Friday Night Dinner (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

Someone's in a hurry.
Oh, hi Jim, what are you Oh, yes, no, this is one of Wilson's "preferred areas".
- "Preferred areas"? - Yes.
- For? - Oh, uh Great.
Well, see you later then.
Yeah.
Bye.
Come on, lovely.
You've emptied your bottom Come on, Wilson.
The body parts were found buried in the basement of Crippen's home, although the head, limbs and skeleton were never recovered.
Oh, please can you stop watching your horrible murder programmes.
But it was Crippen.
Never mind Crippen.
Can you get the ketchup, please? - The tomato blood! - And maybe put some clothes on? - Why wasn't I a caveman? - You are a caveman.
And hurry up, they'll be here soon.
- What? - I said Just get me the ketchup! Here's your tomato blood! Hi Dad.
Oh, you bleeding idiot! You - Dad! - Ow! Shit on it! What happened? - Oh, look at you! - My shitting knuckles! - You all right? - Sorry, Dad.
- When did you get here? - Hmm? Inside! Ugh! What were you doing creeping up on me like that? Martin, they'll be here soon.
Bloody paralysed hand.
- Dad's made an effort.
- What? His special pants? Ah! - Big night tonight.
- I know.
Adam and Emma, Emma and Adam Wonder what she's like.
Hideous? But not as hideous as that.
Thank you, but none of us want to catch a disease tonight.
But it's a waste! Oh, just try and be normal for Adam's girlfriend.
What? Of course I'm going to be normal.
Mmm.
And you'll be nice, won't you, Jonnyboo? No Hi! Oh, my God, they're here already.
- They're here? - Wait! Sorry, Martin, she's not seeing you like that.
- What? - You'll have to go outside.
- But - Mum! - I'll get you in a minute.
- But Jackie! Coming! Hello! - Hi.
- Sorry, we're early.
Oh! Don't be silly.
- Erm, Emma, my mum.
- Lovely to meet you.
Oh, and I bought you some yellow things.
Oh, they're gorgeous! Thank you.
- My brother, Jonny - All right, Pusface? - Very good.
- All right, Pissface? Oh! - Oh, I love your hair! - Thanks, I grew it myself.
She grew it herself! Yes, Mum.
Well, come through.
- Where's Dad? - Er He's upstairs, just getting Oh Who's that? - Excuse me.
- Dad? - Martin? - Do you like ketchup? - What are you - I trod in some bloody dog shit.
- Ugh! - Lovely! I'm the father, Martin Goodman.
Hello, Father Goodman.
Sodding thing I'm really sorry.
No, it's good so far! I had to throw me bleeding sock away.
Sorry, but you're not washing your disgusting foot in my sink.
But Jackie! Right, then.
No Martin, we've got a guest! - Oh - Dad! Ah A pleasure to meet you.
Sorry again, Emma.
It's OK, thanks.
Now I know where to find the footbath.
Adam told me you had a lovely sense of humour.
- Did I? - What else has he told you? Likes it from behind.
Um, and you have a sister.
- Yeah, I do.
- Oh, I would have loved to have had girls.
- Evening everyone.
- Hello.
- Father Goodman.
- You all right now? What? Oh, apologies for before.
Only, you know Dog faeces and Um, Emma was just saying she has a sister.
- Yeah.
- Yes, we wanted girls.
We know.
So how long's it been, then? - "It"? - Your courtship? Excellent.
Uh, we have been courting for precisely - Eight weeks? - No, nine weeks! Oh yeah.
Nine weeks! Oh, how lovely.
What? Oh, the hands.
- Yes, they're holding hands.
- Great.
Oh, did you see that programme the other night, the one with the hands? Um, I might need a few more details.
Yes, could you be more vague? It was all about murder within the family.
Oh, not this now.
Well, the man who did it had these great big hands.
Thank you, Martin.
Has anyone in your family been murdered? Um, no, not yet.
Although sometimes I'd quite like to strangle my sister.
Well, the hardest part isn't the actual killing.
It's working out what to do next.
Also available for children's parties.
The best thing would be to put your sister's body in the bath - OK.
- Hmm.
Then turn on the taps and pour in loads and loads of washing powder.
- Seriously - Washing powder? Yes, it acts as an acid, so all the flesh on your sister's body would be stripped off quite soon.
Dad! Then all you'd have to do is burn or grind down her bones.
Welcome to the family.
Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Just No more murder stuff, all right? - Yes.
- Or burning bodies.
What am I meant to talk about? Anything! Just not murder or burning bodies.
I suppose I could always talk to her about physics.
- Does she like physics? - No one likes physics.
No one likes physics? Are you mad? What about the principles of magnetism? - She must like magnets.
- Bye-bye.
Can't we just burn his body? Can I be of any hindrance? Oh thanks, sweetie.
Um - If you could maybe take this in - OK, thanks.
Oh, have you got a straw? Save some for me! - Adam - What? - Mmm - Oh Mum! Ooh, she is a lovely girl! Lovely girl.
Mmm.
Get off! Go inside.
Mum, do you think Adam will marry that girl? Ignore him, Bobble.
Thanks, Mum.
Do you think you'll marry that girl? Dad just ate ketchup straight from the bowl.
- He did? - Starters.
- Have I got any on my face? - Only in your ear.
And here's the chicken.
- Oh, lovely, Jackie.
- Yeah, lovely bit of squirrel! Ooh! Emma, you'll have to have a tour of the house later.
OK, cool.
Maybe Adam can show you his old room I'm definitely not showing you my old room.
- Oh - Why not? Because I'm not 12 any more.
Oh yeah, I always forget he's been through puberty.
So what are you hiding up there, then? Just dead bodies! Sorry.
- Ooh, that's the other woman! - Ha-ha.
It's all right, I know about her.
Oh, take whatever you want, love.
Thank you.
- You all right? - Um - You OK? - What? Yeah, fine.
Just Work.
Erm Sorry, just one moment.
Jonny Yeah, one moment.
Boys? - So, Emma - Yes? Do you like magnets? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? - This is not happening.
What is not happening? OK Oh, my God.
You mustn't tell anyone.
Your penis needs to be removed? Seriously, you must not tell Emma.
Her penis needs to be removed? All right.
I've just been sent this.
Whoa! "Hi Hotness.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
" Who is she? Emma's sister.
- Her sister? - Shh, shh! What, so, have you been No, of course I haven't been So she just randomly sent you that? Yeah, I mean, she texted me once before and she was, you know, friendly but Not quite as friendly as that.
Oh, God.
- It's probably a mistake.
- Yeah.
I mean, who would want to show you their body? Exactly.
"Hi, Adam.
It's Emma's sister.
"Like what you see?" That's probably not a mistake.
Why would she do that? Why would she Everything all right? - Yeah! Cool.
- Cool.
What you looking at? Porn? - Porn! - What? No, just some - Football.
- Football.
- You hate football.
- Yeah, that's why we're looking at it.
- It was hateful.
- Mmm-hmm.
Definitely not being strange.
- What am I gonna do? - I don't know, but But what? Can you send me that? - It's really delicious.
- Thanks, love.
- Are you OK? - Hmm? - You're not eating anything.
- Yeah, Adam.
Sorry.
It's lovely, Mum.
So, Emma, Adam was telling me all about your sister.
Excuse me.
He said she's really nice.
Yeah, she is, but we're quite different.
- Are you? - Hmm.
- She's very shy.
- Shy.
Sorry.
Another one! - You're popular tonight, Adam.
- Yeah, isn't he? Isn't he? Um, just work.
I'll get it.
Stay there.
I'll go.
Seriously, is everything all right? Yeah, babe.
I was saying before to your female.
- Dad - Your "female".
That the Indians are currently building the world's most powerful magnet.
- That is what he was saying.
- What are they building it for? To attract metal, you imbecile.
OK.
Actually, I've a couple of pretty big magnets up in the loft.
I can show you them later.
- Um - You definitely won't be murdered.
Everyone, we have a special guest for dinner.
This is Katie.
Hello, Katie.
Katie's here because her mummy, Susan, from round the corner, had to go and see Katie's grandma in hospital all of a sudden.
So, we're All looking after her tonight.
- Really? - Shh! Evening ruined.
You remember Adam, don't you? He used to baby-sit for you when you were little.
- Hi, Katie.
- Hello, Adam.
- Oh - Fancies you.
Come sit down.
Well, say hello.
Oh yes, good evening.
Martin Goodman.
Martin, she's an eight-year-old girl, not a 55-year-old businessman.
Actually, I'm nine in June.
Oh And another one! Sorry.
- You all right? - What? Oh, just more work.
Can I play with your phone? Um, not now.
But you used to let me play games on your phone.
Go on, Adam, let Katie play games on your phone.
- Thank you.
- Not fair! Not fair! Right, what would you like to eat? Who's she? - Me? - That's Adam's female.
Yes, I'm Adam's "female".
- Um, she's my girlfriend.
- I'm Emma.
But she's ugly.
Thank you.
Katie! - "She's ugly"! - Martin! Well, I like ugly girls.
Sorry.
I mean Well done.
Sorry about this, love.
You were saying about your sister? Who's very shy.
Well, yeah, she's Can I be your girlfriend? Oo-er! Um Why don't you eat your potatoes? - I don't like them.
- Why not? I don't like the bones.
There's no bones in potatoes.
You're stupid.
Yes, he is stupid, isn't he? You're funny.
- Thank you.
- And handsome.
- Ooh, careful! - Yeah, careful! Where - Where are you going? - Come and sit down now.
Um Hello.
Can I put some make-up on you? Nah.
Can I hold your hand? Oo-er again! - Mum? - Sit down now, Katie.
Yeah, go on, Katie.
- Mmm, OK.
- Give it back! Bad luck, Adam.
- Adam! - Give me back my bloody phone! - Um, Adam? - Adam! Give it back! Katie, you little - Give it back! - No! Open up! Go away.
I'm doing a wee-wee.
What is the matter with you? - It's my phone.
- So? What's she gonna do to it? - Eat it? - No, she doesn't like the bones.
- Are you all right? - You're a lunatic! I'm fine.
Give it bloody back! - Here's your phone.
- Good girl.
Now come and sit down, darling.
She knows.
She knows! All right, pusface? - God! - What are you gonna do? I don't know, but her sister's just got rid of the bikini.
Blimey! She's obsessed.
Well, you are gorgeous.
- Mwah! - Oh, Jonny! I'll have to tell Emma.
Oh, good idea.
Tell your girlfriend.
"I've got naked photos of your sister, please dump me".
Oh, shit.
All right, bambinos? - Hello.
- That Emma's a smashing female.
- 'Female'.
- And a nice-sized chest Dad! Um, did you know that upstairs there are 26 doorknobs? - What? - Katie just made us count them all.
Twice.
Um, where is Katie? Er, living room Twenty six! Excuse me one sec.
Now that's funny.
I'd always counted 28.
- Right, Katie.
- Hi, Adam! I don't know what you saw, but you better not tell Emma.
- What do you mean? - What you saw on my phone.
I didn't see anything on your phone.
Really? You didn't - You didn't see the - What? Nothing.
Um OK, great.
Ignore me.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Oh Do you mean the girl in the bikini? - What? - The photos of Emma's sister? Oh, God.
Um - Please don't say anything.
- OK.
- You promise? - I promise.
Oh Thanks, Katie.
Phew! Can we play now? Um, later, later.
But I want to play now.
Sorry, Katie, I can't now.
Then I'll tell your girlfriend about the photos.
But You just promised you wouldn't! - Emma! - OK, OK.
I'll do it.
Whatever you want! - There.
- Thank you.
Doesn't he look pretty? Yeah.
Beautiful.
Mwah! - Get off! - See you later, "Hotness".
He does look beautiful, doesn't he? Yeah, Katie, he looks really nice.
Well done.
Adam, I'm gonna see if your mum needs any help.
Yeah, um Thanks, Katie.
That was really Fun.
It's a bit much, isn't it? - Is it? - You look like a prostitute.
A good-looking prostitute or a bad-looking Shall we Adam? Sorry, Katie, we're going to see his mummy now.
- Yeah.
- I'll tell.
- Shall we? - Um You go through, Emma, I won't be a sec.
Really? - What? - I want to play some more.
And then, I went to university Um, Manchester Oh, Manchester? - What is he doing in there? - Adam! They have been in there for quite some time.
- Haven't they? - Good doggy! - Woof, woof! - Hold on a second, love.
- Woof, woof! - So, shall I get the magnets? - Come on, doggy, walkies! - Woof! Woof! - Er, Adam? - Hi, Mum.
- Keep going.
- Woof, woof! - What are you doing? - Yeah, it's a little bit complicated.
Your girlfriend's been sitting in there for ages.
I'm his girlfriend.
Hi, is everything Oh, hi Emma.
He just really likes kids.
- Right.
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God! - Jonny! Facebook! - OK.
- Emma! Get off! Can I just say, you're behaving really weirdly.
- Am I? - Adam, she's eight years old.
- I'm nine in June.
- She's nine in June.
- It's my sister.
- Your sister? Hi, Helen.
OK, Katie, we've played enough now.
But I want to be your girlfriend.
Well, maybe in a few years.
- Can I hold your hand? - What? - Just for a little bit.
- Really? - And you won't tell Emma anything? - No.
- Promise? - Promise.
- Promise, promise? - Promise, promise.
- But don't let go.
- Why? If you let go of my hand, I'll tell her what I saw on your phone.
But - Everything OK? - Yeah, can I have a word? Sure.
Hey.
OK, I know you like kids - But this is ridiculous.
- Ridiculous? For Chrissakes, Adam, I'm your girlfriend, - come and talk to me! - Yeah, sure, sure.
Absolutely, absolutely.
- Right.
- Emma! - Where are you going? - Yes, where are you going? I'm going to the toilet.
Is that allowed? I did it again.
Yes, all good, love.
She's been really Fun.
Yes! Three kittens! Bye.
Katie, sweetheart, why don't you sit over here with me for a bit? No, we like it here, don't we? Er I'll go.
You two have fun! - Oh, hi Jim.
- Hello Jackie, er - Adam - Jonny.
Oh, yes, no, I just wanted to apologise to your family for all the That Wilson's been doing round here.
Um OK, I'll tell 'em.
Is your mother in? Um, she's a bit tied up.
Tied up? What? No, she's busy.
- Adam's girlfriend's here.
- Ah, young love Yeah.
So Actually, Jim, talking of young love, you ought to know that Adam's girlfriend is quite a bit younger than him.
I see.
Yes, in our culture The Jewish culture? That's right, it's kind of allowed.
Well, there's nothing wrong with an age difference.
I once went out with a lady who was 35 years older than me.
Did you? Oh No.
I'm getting confused with my mother.
Would you like to meet her? Oh yes, we would, wouldn't Katie, do you want to come and see a real doggy? How exciting! Ooh, a doggy! There they are.
Adam and Katie.
Hi Jim.
Um, hell Hello.
Hello doggy! What's your name? - Wilson.
- Good doggy.
You've painted your nails.
When you marry me, can we get a doggy? Um Listen, Adam, I think it's probably best if I go.
Well, I'm very happy for you both.
You make a lovely couple.
- Shalom.
- Shalom.
- OK, I'm gonna head off.
- What? Why are you going? Because every time I try and talk to you, you're holding a little girl's bloody hand.
Rude word.
Emma, I told you, it's only a bit of fun.
Fun? How is this fucking fun? Ruder word! What's going on? Sorry, Jackie, but I've got to go.
What? Where are you going? But, Emma Oh! - You let go! - Oh, piss off! - Adam! - Another rude word.
Emma, please.
I'm sorry, OK? - You're sorry? - Yeah, it's really complicated.
I - Oh, shit! - Ugh! - Oh, bloody hell! - Are you all right, Bobble? Excuse me - Oh, my God, are you OK? - Ahhh! - Adam? - Ahh! My head! Pusface? Martin get a cloth.
Jonny, a plaster.
OK, Mum.
- Katie, go inside.
- Adam, are you OK? I think I need my puffer.
- My puffer! - Your what? His asthma thing.
There's one upstairs.
OK.
Where is it? On his desk, his old bedroom.
First room on the right! What's that? His puffer, Emma's getting it from his room.
Is she? - Does this help? - No! Um I'm just getting his, um He just really likes tits.
- Here.
- Thanks.
What? - Your bedroom - What? - Emma! - What are all these texts? I can't explain What is going on? - Goodbye, Adam.
- Emma! Don't! Don't go.
So Can I be your girlfriend now?