Futurama s03e01 Episode Script

The Honking Notify his survivors.
B-E-N-D-E-R Bender B-E-N-D-E-R, Bender Saying B-E-N-D! Mail call! Amy, your designer lingerie catalog.
Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade.
|And Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
You buy once,|you're on the list forever.
And for Bender|A black-bordered envelope.
Someone you know must have died.
I hope it was one of my enemies.
|Those guys suck.
Oh, no! My uncle Vladimir! I'm sorry.
|When's the funeral? Tomorrow, at the family castle.
|Followed by the reading of his will.
Well, I'm rich.
Goodbye, losers,|whom I've always hated! Come on! lt'll be fun.
Pardon me, my good simpleton.
Could you take us to yon castle? Some say unholy things|happen up there.
For example, all of us say that.
Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.
Mumbo, perhaps.
Jumbo, perhaps not.
With your science,|are you closer to understanding the mystery of how a robot|walks or talks? Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram|is here on the inside of your case.
I choose to believe what I was|programmed to believe.
I will go this far and no further.
And so we commend|Vladimir's remains to the earth.
Filings to filings.
Rust to rust.
To my loyal butler, You There,|for decades of service I leave a pittance to be paid|in 20 installments of 1/20th of a pittance each.
To my lazy, spoiled son, Tandy, who|never learned the value of a dollar I leave my entire|$10 million fortune.
- Is that a lot?|- To my loving nephew, Bender if he's not responsible|for my death, I leave my castle.
Let's stay there tonight! On condition that he spend|one night in it.
Oh, man! There's always a catch.
I get a good vibe from this place.
|Nice long dinner table quiet, well-behaved spiders,|graveyard-adjacent.
Yep, it's gonna be - What is it?|- That painting's eyes are watching me! Motor eye sensors attached|to motion detectors.
So does my butt, but I don't frame it|and put it on the wall.
Although - What's that?|- I don't know, but it's infectious.
No doubt about it.
|This place is haunted.
Don't be silly, man.
|The last ghost died 200 years ago.
The last human ghost.
|But robot ghosts? "0101100101.
" What does it mean? It's just gibberish.
"1010011010?!" Uncle Vladimir! Come, Bender.
You'll like being dead.
They said that about being alive! Join us.
Join us.
Join us.
Just as I suspected.
These robots were|buried in improperly shielded coffins.
Their programs leaked into the wiring|through this old modem allowing them to project themselves|as holograms.
Of course! It was so obvious! That sequence of words I said|made perfect sense.
We really should tell Bender|there's nothing to be afraid of.
Bender, wake up! He's okay!|Quick, does anyone have any liquor? Bender, what happened? Somebody ran me over!|And not with a normal hover car.
It crept along on round rubber feet,|like a wolf! Poor Bender.
Seeing things.
You've been drinking too much.
|Or too little.
Anyway, not the right amount.
Maybe he has.
Look at these tracks.
I think Bender may be|telling the truth.
Bender, you look awful.
|I prescribe makeup.
Here! It just so happens I have|my Mary Kay sample case.
I just need sleep.
I had nightmares|about cars running people over.
Many dream of a fresh new look.
And Mary Kay can make|those dreams come true.
Look! They found those same|rubbery tracks in New New York.
A hit-and-run|by the robot porno theater.
Robot porno theater?|I was in that general area last night.
Whoever ran me down out on the moors|followed me back here! No one's trying to run you over.
|Stop being a big hallucinating baby.
Yeah? Could a big hallucinating baby|do this? I'm scared! I don't know which I like more,|smashing cars or faces.
Lucky you won't decide tonight.
|Come on.
It's church tomorrow.
Did you hear something? It was probably just|a golden marmoset.
Don't sound like no golden marmoset|I ever heard.
Made it.
So, what are you wearing tomorrow? Where? What the? Transmission fluid? Where have I been?|What happened? Gets out of here, youse lousy bum! - Please, I'm scared.
|- We all are.
It's the human condition.
That's why I put on this tough guy|facade.
Now beat it! I passed out around midnight,|much earlier than usual.
When I woke up, I found these|in my chest cabinet.
Relax.
You were probably just|shooting big fuzzy craps.
No! I think I may have hurt someone.
Lord, I'm on the verge|of a nervous meltdown.
You're scaring me.
|You're going wacko! Right.
I need professional help.
|And damn the expense! Damn the expense! You have nothing to worry about.
Except a nightmarish life|of unremitting horror! For you see, you are a were-car.
A were-car? The car that ran you down|was a were-car.
It beamed the virus to you|through its demonic headlights! That's crazy.
Yes.
So crazy that it must be true! Each midnight,|when your clock resets to 0 your hardware reconfigures|into a murderous car.
I can't keep running people over.
I'm not famous enough|to get away with it.
Help me! Yes.
But you must be willing|to pay a terrible price.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Follow me.
Based on this ancient|"read me" file your only hope is to destroy|the first were-car.
I'm with you.
In its death throes, the car will beam|out the virus' uninstall program ridding you of the curse.
Otherwise, I can never die? Sure you can die! You want to die? No! There's still too many things|I don't own! Then live on.
Forever cursed! Each night, your attacks will|become more gruesome until one dark night you are doomed|to kill your dearest friend.
I wouldn't want to be me.
Now go.
Go! Could one of you just?|Ah, forget it.
I'll just sleep here.
There.
No rampaging for you tonight.
What about welding everyone|except me to the wall? Just relax.
Tomorrow we'll pry|you down, have breakfast and go hunt down|that ancient evil.
It'll be a rich, full day.
I'm gonna go make my dinners|for the next month and freeze them.
- Bender, no!|- Fry, stay back! You jerk! I thought I was|your best friend! What kind of two-timing kill-mobile|are you? He's supposed to murder his closest|friend, which was me.
But he went for you, not even trying|to second-degree-murder me.
Could you help me?|Bender crushed my foot.
Stop rubbing it in! Oh, God! Fry, I'm so glad to see you.
|Did I hurt you? Not physically.
Why not ask|your new best friend Leela? - I tried to run you over?|- It was very sweet of you.
It doesn't mean anything.
|I have love enough for two.
Words.
Nothing but sweet words turning|into bitter orange wax in my ears.
Enough with the feelings.
To cure Bender, we've got to hunt down|the original were-car.
- Cursed.
Got it.
|- Whatever.
- The tracks lead here.
|- Thanks, eagle eye.
It's daylight.
|He should be in robot form.
But be careful.
|Many robots are stupid and violent.
I wish I was stupid and violent.
We'd|see what's what.
I'd pound him till Get ye to your houses,|ye ignorant villagers! We aren't ignorant villagers.
|We're sophisticated New New Yorkers.
Whup his butt! Stop! What are ye doing? Whaling on the original were-car,|which is you, jerk! - Ye think me be he?|- Sí.
Nee.
I mean no.
I was given the curse|many a year ago while on a bird watching trip|to The Arctic.
I Was attacked|by a vicious motorized sled.
The natives called it|the abominable snoWmobile.
It's true.
I ran over that|bird-watching jerk and 100 others.
Even my best friend|from aromatherapy school.
I once had a best friend who liked|to smell things with me.
Alas, I'm not the original were-car.
I got the curse while taking a class|from a famous robot actor.
You knoW him as Calculon.
O fate most cruel,|would that my acting skills might avail me a sword|to slay this wretched curse.
- Let's kick him!|- Let me explain.
It all began one fateful night|1000 years ago.
Whoa, whoa! You're 1000 years old?|Your bio says you're 27.
Lies! I change my identity|and appearance every decade to avoid suspicion.
I was all of history's|great acting robots.
Acting Unit 0.
8, Thespo-mat,|David Duchovny.
Are you the first were-car or not? No.
But you're near|the end of your search.
I was attacked|by the original were-car.
Give us a name, MacButt! The year was 2019, and I was just|a lowly roboton working in an automotive research lab.
I Was Working on Project Satan a savage car built from the evil|parts of the World's most evil cars.
The steering Wheel from Hitler's car,|the signal from Charles Manson's VW.
- Knight Rider's Windshield Wipers.
|- Knight Rider wasn't evil.
His windshield wipers were.
|It didn't come up in the show.
Only after finishing Project Satan did they discover they had made|a horrible mistake.
For you see, it Was pure evil.
What happened to Project Satan? It's either in Paris|or much more likely still in the abandoned|automotive lab.
Distract the were-car and I'll kill it by plugging its|exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
There it is.
It looks so unhappy.
Excuse me, are you Project Satan? Don't be afraid.
|We know what you are.
You do? Would you like us to put you|out of your misery? Misery? What misery?|I love killing people! Squishing them till their organs|squirt out like chunky mustard! Look, everyone loves killing people,|but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
Oh, no! It's midnight! Hey, this is starting|to feel pretty good.
Fry, distract him! Hey, Project Satan! Over here!|I'm a blind pedestrian.
20 points! Oh, no! There's no exhaust pipe! That's right, thanks to|Ed Begley Jr.
's electric motor the most evil propulsion system|ever conceived! Take whichever one you want.
Oh, boy! I feel like a car|in a candy store! Yes! He chose me!|He's trying to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy! Oh, thanks, Bender.
Too tight! Too tight! Bender, you're cured!|But what happened to Fry? I must have killed him!|He's my best friend and I killed him! I never felt so empty inside.
Bender, I'm alive!|You didn't hurt me at all! But I know you wanted to.
|And that's what matters.
Here's to you.
That's my last beer, you bastard!|I'll kill you! I'll kill you too, buddy.
|I'll kill you too.