Get Smart (1965) s03e01 Episode Script

( quoting music lyrics ) ( quoting music lyrics ) ( both singing ) - Is that you, 38? - 86.
Come on.
Well, 38, it certainly is good to see you again.
- How's Mrs.
38? - Oh, just fine! We're expecting a little fraction soon.
( laughing ) ( forced laugh ) Oh, by the way, how's the Chief these days? Still giving you all of those tough assignments? Yes, I don't know what it is with the Chief, but he's yet to give me an assignment that hasn't turned out to be a tough one.
Depends on you, doesn't he? Tells you everything.
Everything.
Well, not everything.
He hasn't told me about the secret formula - for the new supersonic warhead yet.
- Oh? But he will.
As a matter of fact, he's briefing me on it tomorrow before he leaves on his vacation, in case anything happens to him.
It must be great being in on things like you are.
We couriers never hear anything.
We're like errand boys.
- You-- do you have anything for me? - Oh, yes.
There you are.
You know, 38, There's something very different about you today.
I just can't figure-- oh, I know what it is.
It's that striped necktie.
You never wear striped neckties.
You always wear solid colors.
I wonder why you-- ( theme music playing ) Max! - What happened to him, 38? - Somebody slugged him.
See if you can bring him to.
I'll see if I can catch the guy.
Right, 38.
Max! I don't understand it.
I just don't understand it, Chief.
Why in the world would he want to hit me? Are you sure that's all you said to him, just that you didn't like his necktie? That's all I said to him, Chief.
I mean, after all, nobody wears a striped necktie with a plaid sport jacket.
Well, practically nobody.
A strange thing, Chief.
Agent 38 didn't say that he hit Max, he said someone else did.
so stable to me.
- I can't imagine what-- - Chief! Chief, I'm sorry for breaking in like this, but I've-- - ( 99 gasps ) - Max, what are you doing? It's me, 38, your old friend! Now we're even, old friend.
I see you had the decency to change to a solid color tie.
Max! What is it, 38? What happened? I just escaped from KAOS.
They grabbed me when I was on my way to meet Max and took me to their hideout.
They've got a guy out there that's my double.
- A double? - For you? Perfect.
It looks exactly like me.
Walks like me, talks like me.
I doubt if anybody'll ever tell us apart.
Wait a minute, 38.
Tell me, is Mrs.
38 expecting? Not that I know of.
I think you'd better go home and check.
What do you think all this means, Chief? It can only mean one thing, 99-- the League of lmposters has made its first move.
- The League of lmposters?! - Right.
Of course! The League of lmposters.
It's gotta be the League of lmposters.
What else could it be but the League of lmposters? - One question, Chief? - What? What is the League of lmposters? It's KAOS' new diabolical scheme to infiltrate us, Max.
For years they've been scouring the world for exact physical duplicates of the CONTROL personnel.
- Like the double for Agent 38.
- That's right.
And they've trained each one of them to impersonate a specific CONTROL agent perfectly-- voice, mannerisms-- everything.
Oh, is that all? Well, they overlooked one little item, Chief.
- What's that? - The eagle eye of Maxwell Smart.
Which eye is that, Max? Now look, Chief, I don't care how good an imposter is, I guarantee you that I'll see through him the minute I meet him face to face.
- You met one this morning, Max.
- Huh? - You met one this morning.
- Oh, yes.
That was a different thing.
We weren't face to face, Chief.
- I was standing kind of sideways-- - Max! This is serious, Chief.
Do you think they have a double for every agent in CONTROL? This is Siegfried calling the lmposter Department.
Send Johann in immediately.
Please, und snap it up.
Ah, Johann, I've been waiting for you.
Sorry about that, Chief.
I was just about to call you on my shoe phone.
Ah, that's wonderful! You look more like Smart than Smart does.
Und your voice is his echo.
Tell me, how long did it take you to learn that voice so perfectly? - Just a few months, Siegfried.
- Ah! Such a genius.
It took me almost 10 years to speak English so good like I do.
Sit down, sit down.
We'll discuss our plans, hmm? We don't know who they're going to impersonate next, so none of us is safe.
We can't take any chances.
All right, that's it.
Stay right where you are.
Nobody move.
- Max! - What are you doing? Just checking you out, mister.
If you're really the Chief of CONTROL, prove it.
- Put it away.
- I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisfied that you're not an imposter.
If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
I'm completely satisfied.
I admit you're thorough, but, Max, you've got to learn to relax.
I will never relax, Chief, never relax.
Not until I break that evil League of lmposters and smash them like insects.
Uh, Chief, you got anything that needs stamping? No, Max.
Well, in that case, I think I'll go wash my hand.
Well, Siegfried, I think it's time to act.
I've never been so ready for a project in all my life.
I've completely memorized everything there is to know about Maxwell Smart.
Good.
I have some new telephoto movies of him we just took.
I'll run them now so you can brush up on his walk, gestures, mannerisms.
Dubrovnik-- roll the film.
Just a minute, Siegfried, haven't you forgotten something? - What is that? - Where's the popcorn? Oh, that's wonderful, Johann.
You're even beginning to think like Smart.
We don't know who they're gonna grab next.
All we can do is wait and see.
It's a little hard on the nerves.
Well, Chief, at least you're not facing KAOS alone.
Max is with you all the way.
anything encouraging, - don't say anything at all.
- ( metal jingles ) - Oh, my ring.
- Oh, it's under the desk.
I'll get it.
Chief, the soap in that washroom is terrible.
Look what it did to my hands.
Yes, I know.
My hands are all chapped too.
Max! Why did you hit the Chief? Stand back, 99.
That isn't the Chief.
It's an imposter.
The Chief always wears a ring.
This man doesn't have a ring.
Here it is, Max.
It fell under the desk.
Oh, sorry about that, Chief.
Max, we're getting so jumpy.
If only there were some way to know who they were going to impersonate next.
Yes, well, I can tell you one thing for sure-- it won't be Maxwell Smart.
Because if anybody comes through that door that looks like me, I'll recognize him in a minute.
They might try, Max.
They must have a lot of information about an agent as important as you.
Yes, but they don't know the little things, the thousand tiny details that go to make up that complicated and fascinating personality known as Agent 86.
Watch the walk now.
He has a very distinctive walk.
He looks like he's suffering from a severe case of tight underwear.
And now we take our telephoto lens inside Smart's apartment.
- ( alarm clock ringing ) - This is how he gets up in the morning.
( ringing stops ) Are you sure Smart isn't already on our side? And even if someone does try to impersonate me, Chief, I've got a brand-new identification mark that nobody knows about.
Good.
If I have a secret way to check your ID, Max, - it could save some lives.
- Right.
I'll show it to you, Chief.
If you don't mind, 99, I'd appreciate it if you'd turn your head.
Max, we're CONTROL agents.
We're not supposed to have secrets from one another.
If you don't turn your head, I'm not going to show it.
There it is, Chief.
Isn't it a beaut? I just got it yesterday.
That's a pretty bad bruise, Max.
How'd it happen? Bridge game.
I got a partner that signals a lot.
It's a great identification-- a big purple bruise on your right ankle.
And this final scene is very interesting.
We took it just last night.
Watch this.
Johann: Oh, a large purple bruise on his right ankle.
Siegfried: A lovely color.
That's it.
Well, thank you, Siegfried.
That movie was most helpful.
I now have every mannerism of Maxwell Smart down to perfection.
Good.
Tomorrow we kidnap Maxwell Smart und you will take his place.
Yes, but I must be very careful to remember not to let them see my right ankle.
Why would you not let them see your right ankle? Because I don't have a bruise on my right ankle.
- Ow! - You have now.
Are you there, 13? Which locker are you in, 13? - Here I am, 86.
- Here I am, 86.
So The old double-agent- with-the-two-faces-in- the-twin-locker trick.
- I'm the real 13.
- He's not the real 13.
( unison ) He's the imposter.
- No, he's an imposter.
- He is! Now, just a minute, gentlemen.
I'll decide who the imposter is.
Don't worry, Agent 13, he won't get away with this.
And don't you worry either, 13.
He won't get away with it either.
According to my fantastic memory, it seems to me that when I had breakfast with Agent 13 this morning he had eggs for breakfast and he spilt some of them on his lapel.
Which means that the imposter is you.
Wait a minute.
Come to think of it, he had cereal.
I was the one who had eggs.
Put 'em up, 86.
Up.
Hold it! Someone's coming.
Okay.
Max, over here! Chief, they were laying for me and there were two 13s.
I know that, Max.
I want to show you something.
Hand me that photo, will you? ( speaks German ) Here, this will help with the impersonation.
Ah, I see Mr.
Smart is coming to his senses.
If he has any left.
Mr.
Smart, meet Mr.
Smart.
Fantastic, isn't it? You'll never get away with this, Siegfried.
First of all, he doesn't look any more like me than you do.
He's got big ears, a long nose and a slit for a mouth.
He looks exactly like you.
He even has the same beady little eyes.
Who does? Like it or not, he is you.
Und no one could tell the difference.
Very well, Siegfried.
He might pass in the dark, but your plan is doomed to failure because you overlooked one tiny little thing-- you see, I happen to have a very distinctive and unique voice.
Did you hear that, Siegfried? He has a very distinctive and unique voice.
That's right.
Listen to me-- Mr.
Smart, you might be interested in what we are going to do inasmuch as you are going to do it.
Your Chief-- the real one-- will reveal the secret of the supersonic warhead to our Johann here.
As soon as he does, Johann will kill your Chief, substitute our Chief for him, and then CONTROL will be-- how do you say it in your language? Ah, yes ( speaks German ) Well, Siegfried, we'd better get going.
It's 10 minutes to 3:00 if Mr.
Smart's watch is correct.
If it isn't, let me know.
I have a lifetime guarantee on it.
Which in your case is over within 10 more minutes.
Dubrovnik, Balinkov, get off his shoe.
The other one! The one with the phone.
( crunches, dings ) Okay, Siegfried, that's it, you've had it.
It's one thing when you fight the United States Government, but it's quite another thing entirely when you start to fool around with AT&T.
Mr.
Smart, I leave you to your fate.
When we close that door, this room will be hermetically sealed.
Gas will be pouring in until you are out-- dead! There is no way to escape.
Goodbye.
( whirring ) Now, Max, I'll be leaving on my vacation in a few hours, so it's time to give you the formula for the new supersonic warhead.
Now remember, this is top secret-- even to the rest of the CONTROL personnel.
Don't worry about it, Chief.
You have my word that nobody at CONTROL will hear about it from me.
Good.
Wait a minute.
Before I give you the formula-- for complete security, Max-- I'd like to see your secret identification mark.
Always thinking, aren't you, Chief? - There you are, Chief.
- Fine.
Okay, now about the warhead - Uh, 99, will you excuse us? - Right, Chief.
- Now, Max, listen very carefully-- - ( door sliding ) Hold it, Chief! Don't say another word.
This man is an impostor.
His name is Johann and he's a KAOS agent.
Don't listen to him, Chief.
His name is Johann and he's a KAOS agent.
Chief, you've got to believe me.
I just escaped from a KAOS cell a few minutes ago.
- But I don't know who-- - He's lying, Chief.
Quiet, Max, I'm talking to-- Max.
Wait a minute, I can prove who I am.
Don't look.
He has the identical bruise on his ankle.
It's probably just a cheap Japanese imitation! It seems hopeless, Chief.
There doesn't seem to be any way to tell them apart.
They're exact doubles.
You think that's something? They've got a guy that looks so much like you, Chief, he could pass-- Wait a minute.
Maybe you're passing for him.
Maybe you're the impostor.
No, I'm the Chief, but I can't take any chances.
One of you is a KAOS agent.
And until I find out who it is, I'll have to keep you both under guard.
I've got it.
My fingerprints! He can't have my fingerprints because these are my fingers.
No, it wouldn't work.
Whoever the fake Smart is, he's already had access to the fingerprint files.
There's nothing that can keep him from substituting his prints for the real ones.
What are we going to do, Chief? This could paralyze our whole organization.
There's only one answer, 99-- Emergency Identification Procedure #6A.
This evening at 6:00 a board of inquiry will determine who the real Max is.
than anybody else.
- I want to have you on that board.
- Right.
Now, until 6:00, you're both prisoners.
Dummkopfs.
Dunderheads! Sissies! You let Smart escape from under your noses? Please, Siegfried, try to calm yourself.
I am calm! You should see me when I'm upset! Und now, because of your stupidity, we have to put Plan B and C into effect.
I know what Plan B is, but Siegfried, what is Plan C? This is Plan C! Darling, would you please be kind enough to put Plan B into effect? Thank you, sweetheart.
$12.
40.
And Smart #2, how much did you overcharge CONTROL on last week's expense accounts? $12.
40.
Smart #1, what was your reason for joining CONTROL? I wanted to fight the forces of evil and serve on the side of niceness.
Smart #2, what was your reason for joining? I needed the money.
That too.
Smart #1, have you ever kissed me? I'm not the kind of a man to kiss and tell.
Chief, he's ducking the question.
According to the rules, that's his answer.
Smart #2, have you ever kissed me? - Don't you remember? - I'll never forget.
Yes, I kissed you.
Smart #2, in what cities does CONTROL have secret headquarters? Washington, New York, Baltimore, Los Angeles, Cleveland and Phoenix.
And we had one in Las Vegas, but we lost it.
Smart #1, when you went to England on the Martin case, what was the cover you used? I posed as the prime minister.
You posed as the prime minister? I didn't say it was a successful cover.
Smart #1, last week, what did you tell me in the strictest confidence about the Chief? Chief, that's not fair.
Would you answer a question like that? - Yes, I would.
- Well, go ahead and answer it.
Smart #1, answer the question.
I said that you were an inconsiderate Simon Legree who bullies his employees and has no conception of how this organization ought to be run.
Remember, I'm only quoting.
And the answer to that is Agents 42, 57, That concludes the questioning.
Your decisions, please.
Thank you.
Smart #1, step forward, please.
Well, you took your own sweet time about it, but I'm glad to see you've finally come to the right decision.
The panel has decided that you are the KAOS impostor.
And since this calls for emergency action, you will be shot right now.
- Are you all right, Chief? - Yes, it's just my shoulder.
Chief, are you all right? Yes, it's just his shoulder.
Oh, Max.
I certainly hope I shot the right one of me.
( theme music playing )