Ghosts (2019) s03e01 Episode Script
The Bone Plot
1
Whether Elizabeth's spies
knew about the letter
is still a matter
of much conjecture.
Hello. Where has
she been hiding?
She's not dead,
Julian.
Good ones
never are.
It's just a costume.
They're making a documentary,
history's greatest plots.
Apparently, there was a coup
planned here back in the day.
Hey, look, that wasn't
a coup per se,
that was an informal
discussion with some
parliamentary colleagues
about Maggie's
leadership style,
you know.
She's not talking
about the '80s, mate.
Look at her.
Then what plot she talk about?
About.
Don't know,
it's just what they told us.
I thought you might know.
It's possible Elizabeth's
forces simply happened
upon the plotters.
One for the bloopers.
Elizabeth's forces
simply happened
upon the plotters.
What?
You know, I don't think
I've ever seen you laugh.
No.
Well, I asked the producer
if they'll name-check the house
and he just
stared at me blankly.
-So
-That's the producer
over there, Mike.
Oh, well,
then I asked some guy.
Er, do you mind?
Some of us are trying
to learn something here.
Regarded by many as a martyr,
a mastermind, a hero.
And perhaps the most
important person ever to have
walked these grounds.
Is it me?
Sounds like me.
Which is why the history
books echo with the name
Sir Humphrey Bone.
-Oh.
Heavens. Why, I think
she means--
It's fallen off again!
Head, Humphrey.
Where is it?
ZARA: It's just such
an incredible place.
-Can almost hear the history
echo from the walls.
-Yeah, it's almost like--
-Shut up!
And there's the Stuart facade
and the Dutch gable.
-And those--
-High end B and B
in the gatehouse.
Opens next spring.
Tell your friends.
We could probably do
a guest--
We're really, really lucky
to have found,
well, been given, this place.
Actually, we did wonder
if you'd be up for talking
about your family connection
to the house.
-On camera.
-Who? Me?
I've never been on camera.
Well, have a think about it.
-Yeah.
- She'll think
about it.
-You mad?
-Context?
The interview.
To make the gatehouse
a guesthouse,
we need ghosts. Guests.
And this is free publicity.
-So--
-No, forget it.
I'm not going on telly.
Why? What are you
so scared off?
Going on telly.
Oh, you'd be great.
-No.
-Camera would love you.
MIKE: Just tell your story.
Name-drop the house and,
oh, you could wear a top
with our logo on it.
We don't have a top
with our logo on it.
-Hmm.
-We don't have a logo.
I'll call Obi,
he'll do us a great logo.
Oh, bad moon
on the rise.
Dust covers dawn.
Birds fall, crop fail.
Something wicked
this way come.
Oh, that explains it.
Anybody home?
Ah, Annabelle.
-Alison.
- Alison.
-Was hoping I'd catch you.
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey?
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey?
Humphrey.
-Humphrey.
-I'm just saying,
personally speaking,
I can't remember
ever seeing you
properly laugh.
That's absolute nonsense.
I laugh all the time.
Why, only the other evening,
Fanny and I were in stitches
while recalling
the satirical skewering
of socio-political institutions
in the Mikado.
-Isn't that right, Fanny?
-Mmm?
-The Mikado.
-Oh, hilarious skewering
of socio-political
institutions.
-Hysterical.
-Side splitting.
-Riotous. I concur.
-Agreed.
So, I hope that puts
this matter to rest.
Carry on.
-Humphrey? Humphrey?
-Head? Humphrey?
Neither of you laugh.
-Found it.
-Him.
Him. Sorry.
You didn't tell us
you were famous.
Am I? Ooh, that's nice.
Am I a painter?
She means the plot, mate.
The Catholic plot.
Oh, that.
You always said your death
was just a misunderstanding.
In a way, yeah.
Certainly wasn't,
um, straightforward.
MARY: What? One chop.
Well, it sounds
pretty straightforward to me,
but then,
I was burned alive, so--
CAPTAIN: All right, now,
steady on, Mary.
-Steady. Steady.
-Well.
I mean, more, that
the circumstances
were complicated.
I could tell you
about it if you like.
-Yeah.
-Well, if you wouldn't mind.
-We've got all day.
-Yeah.
-Yum.
Oh. Thank you.
Bon matin.
Sleep well, er,
d ormir, er, bon?
It gets quite draughty
down your end of the, um--
Don't be a
Be a
Um, I was just wondering
if there might be
something you might
fancy doing.
Not with me. Not with me.
Like, um,
I meant more for you.
-Like a hobby.
Something that
might make you
a bit more, um, joyeux?
The--
A tapestry, maybe.
Or you could learn
some English
or there's archery.
Or you could
learn a bit of English.
It doesn't matter,
actually.
Livre.
Me leave?
I live here.
Livre.
Oh, er,
like a reading group.
Yeah, great idea.
You could use the chartroom
up in my end if you wanted.
And maybe in winter,
you could learn
a bit of English.
It is ugly language.
It is an ugly language.
But, yes, well done,
very good.
KITTY: Humphrey?
Humphrey?
Humphrey?
HUMPHREY: Sorry.
It's not someone
I've thought about
in a very long time.
What about jokes?
Do you like jokes?
I don't think we ever lent you
a champagne bucket.
'Cause, well, we don't own
a champagne bucket.
Well, you do now.
Oh, a film crew.
How surprising.
I'm surprised that, now
I think of it,
I do remember Jan from the shop
mentioning something
about a documentary, was it?
-Oh.
-Lucky I dropped by.
I do feel lucky.
I imagine they could use
a little local knowledge.
Fill in the gaps
in their research.
I'm not sure that
you care what I say.
-Or know my name.
-BARCLAY: Hello, there.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local land owner
slash historian.
He hasn't changed,
has he?
Arrogant, sleazy,
and entirely self-serving.
Can you believe
I used to associate
with that type.
So, I've done
a lot of--
Hello.
See that?
I spy harry heart attack.
Those three-bottle lunches
finally catching up
with him, eh?
Oh, no. Alison.
You have to get him
out of here right now.
-What are you
talking about?
-Barclay.
He's on the verge
of a heart attack.
Trust me,
I know the signs.
What if he can't sit
right there
and doesn't move on?
We could be stuck
with him forever.
I think you're
getting a bit
carried away.
Which means you could
be stuck with him, too.
ROBIN: Every day.
For the rest
of your life.
ALISON: Oh, no.
Lovely strip of land
at the end of the drive there
once belonged to me.
-OBI: No way.
-MIKE: Okay.
What about 4:30?
Could you do it by 4:30?
It's not
about the deadline.
I'm just not doing black text
on a white T-shirt.
-I'm an artiste.
-What?
Would you ask Michelangelo to
touch up your skirting boards?
Depends on his prices.
-And if he could
do it by 4:30.
-Here's what I'll do.
Custom vector logo.
Three-colour digi print,
on a high-weave cotton blend.
Oh, sounds great.
Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
And you'll credit me
on air, right?
I mean, if they ask
about the top.
Oh.
They'll ask about the top.
That's a fact.
And the priest says, "I know.
That's why I painted it gold."
That is offensive
to at least five
different religions.
There are only
three in it.
Give over. It's just
a harmless bit of fun.
You haven't heard
me jumbo jet joke yet.
There's a nun,
a gorilla and a paedo--
Do you mind?
I'm baring my soul here.
Yeah, you're making this
very slow and painful.
-Unlike his execution.
-Oh.
Yeah, where was I?
Oh, yeah. Book club.
Bonjour. Good to see you.
Bonjour again.
Well, happy reading.
What book
is it this week?
Um, quel livre?
Well, don't tell me
how it ends.
Moi, joyeuse.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, don't just stand there.
We have much to do.
We've received word
from Queen Mary.
She approves of your plan,
but only if we can act quickly.
There are spies everywhere.
We cannot delay.
Then Monday it is.
We get Elizabeth
on her way to chapel.
By this time next week,
the true queen
will sit on the throne.
Death to Queen Bess.
ALL: Death to Queen Bess.
What about him?
-He knows nothing.
-Famously.
He is a good man.
So, the plan is to conceal
our place here.
BARCLAY: Well, fancy that.
Young filly there
seems to think I might have
some useful insights.
Her words, not mine.
Well, mine,
but she nodded.
Wants to get me
on camera.
And you're not, like,
nervous about--
What I, What I mean
by that--
Tell the old guff
to go and die
in his own property.
-Got enough of this.
-Are you okay?
Me? Yes.
Fit as a fiddle.
In fact, I'm on a bit
of a health kick.
After 20 years
of no exercise whatsoever,
I've just
taken up squash.
-Yeah, that'll do it.
-What is squash?
So, we've got a few more shots
to grab in the Rose Garden
and then we'll be back
to do the interviews.
-If you're both happy and--
-Marvellous.
-Yeah.
-I'll go and rehearse.
There's no need
to prepare anything.
Really.
Best to keep it natural.
-Conversational.
-Of course. Of course.
Amateur.
You have got
to get him out of here.
I meant to say, Zara,
there's a stunning view
of the house,
um, from just,
just past that fence.
I thought it might make
a nice background
for Barclay's interview.
Okay, I'll take a look.
Yeah, just past the fence.
-Just outside the ground.
-Outside.
-Outside.
-Outside.
Did you say outside?
Yeah, I think she got it.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local historian.
A friend of the house.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
Button House spokesmen.
What's he doing here?
Chetbegwynde.
Beg-Chetwynde.
He just appeared
like posh Batman.
Well, he's in there saying
he's our spokesman.
Yeah, well, he spoke
to Zara and they want
to film a bit with him now.
-What?
-Yeah.
Can't let him speak for us.
You've got to do the interview.
Well, pile on the pressure.
No. It's just I know
that you could do it.
-You're the face
of Button House.
Because you know
what you've got?
Inner strength?
I was going to say a branded
sweatshirt coming,
but inner strength.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
Love you.
THOMAS: Is it your
oral skills?
-Excuse me?
-That worry you
about the interview.
I just don't want
to be on camera.
-It's public speaking.
-I understand entirely.
I remember my first
confabulation
on Button FM.
Stammering like
a chicken-hearted clown.
But I found
my voice, Alison.
And I can help you
find yours.
Okay?
Okay.
How dare you!
I'll have you know I've got
my entertainer's badge.
Just hadn't sewn it on yet.
The same with
my sewing badge.
I'm simply saying that
the reason you so rarely
see us reduced
to fits of hysteria
is because in present company
we're seldom given cause.
All right then,
why don't you
make us all laugh?
-Show us how it's done.
-I'll handle this, Fanny.
-Right, now.
-I just remember thinking,
"Well, it must be a pretty good
book 'cause they've been
in there for ages."
Farewell. Bonsoir.
Er, bon--
See you all. Take care.
Oh, someone
forgot their-- Oh.
Oh, no.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon--
Something amusing?
Sorry. It's just,
it's hard to think
of you in a sort of,
well, teacher role.
Ah, I see,
because of the frisson.
-The frisson?
-The frisson.
Between us.
I know it is difficult, Alison,
but while you are
under my tutelage,
you really must pretend
there is no frisson.
Thomas, there is no frisson.
That's the spirit.
-Now then, your turn.
The butler, the butler burned,
the butler burned the butter
and the butter--
-Butler.
-The butler burned
the butter.
-What's a butler? Big "but".
-Big "but".
-Welcome to Button House.
-I know it feels strange, but--
Shaking everything
THOMAS: I am a confident
and beautiful young woman.
ALISON: I am
a confident woman.
-And I deserve
to be on television.
-Welcome to Button House.
We're not a seagull.
Remember--
Thomas is terrific
and I wish we were betrothed.
Thomas is terrific
and I wish we were--
-No.
-It's just an exercise.
I can do
something else.
CAPTAIN:
And the quartermaster says,
"You may have paid the bill,
"but I'm still
the pate familias."
-Because he's had the pate.
Do you see?
-The pate.
-FANNY: Very clever.
-She didn't laugh.
You didn't laugh,
nobody laughed.
Yes. Long fancy words
don't make something funny.
I find I often laugh most
at the simplest things.
-Duly noted.
-Like someone else laughing.
Oh, yes.
Laughter is contagious.
What? Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
Not in a bad way,
Kitty. No.
Just that laughter
breeds more laughter.
-That's preposterous.
-Balderdash!
-What's up?
-OBI: About this top,
-I've been looking--
-Haven't you done it yet?
Impact-wise.
We could wrap the text
around the trunk.
I don't care if you
potato print it on a bin bag.
As long as it says Button House
and it's here by 4:30pm, yeah?
All right, all right,
I'm on it.
This sweater
is my Sistine Chapel roof.
-Ceiling.
-Is it? Good.
Because I just googled the roof
and I weren't blown away.
I say, I--
Anyway, where was I?
You were
about to die.
-Oh, yeah.
-If you can call that dying.
What have you done?
MAN 1: Halt.
Her Majesty's guards.
We have to go.
-Go? What?
-You want to live?
We must go.
MAN 2: Who do you think
you are?
Humphrey.
I'll hold them off
as long as I can.
What?
This isn't the life
you signed up for.
-Go. Have another one.
Well, go!
MAN 3: In the name
of Her Majesty,
open this door.
MAN 4: Show yourself.
MAN 5: Open up!
Keep going!
WOMAN: Beheaded on the spot
for high treason,
so heinous was his crime.
Mary's orders
still in his hand.
Sir Humphrey Bone,
mastermind
of the Bone Plot.
And martyr to it.
-At least, that's how--
For valiance.
-Yes.
-Quite right.
Well said, that man.
Fair dos.
I say fair dos.
It's a horrible way to go.
MARY: Easy for you to say,
isn't it?
Barely even feels
an arrow.
You what? Have you
ever had a--
We should tell Alison
what we've learned.
-Yes.
-KITTY: And she can tell
the television people.
Oh.
HUMPHREY: This isn't the life
you signed up for. Go!
MAN 1: In the name
of Her Majesty,
open this door.
MAN 2: Harder.
MAN 1: Open this door.
What am I doing?
Ah, yes, yes.
You son of a--
Yeah.
Her Majesty's guards.
Show yourself.
No sign of him, sir.
Why is it always
bad news with you?
-It's not always.
-Never, "I found him.
He's through here"
MAN 1: I found
that priest hole once.
MAN 2: There was no priest
there. That's just a hole.
-God, I love this house.
Whoopsie-daisy.
-I might say I did that.
-I would.
See, this is why
I won't have swords
in the house.
-Yeah.
-Well, you've got kids,
haven't you?
-Bad day?
Hi. Well, I think we're almost
ready to do the interviews,
if you--
Yeah, about that,
I don't know what
Mr Beg-Chetwynde told you,
but he's not actually
anything to do with
Button House.
He's just a, sort of,
I mean, local weirdo.
Actually, that's not fair.
No, that is fair.
So, yeah, we'd rather
he wasn't associated
with the house,
because, to be honest,
I'm worried about how
he comes across on TV.
Okay.
It's just that
I got the impression
your wife wasn't
all that keen
to do an interview.
Are you kidding?
She can't wait.
I'm telling you,
she's a natural.
Er--
-So, the house is, um--
-THOMAS: Um.
-Like, my connection, um--
-Um?
-To the family, um--
-Um, um, um.
-You see, if we can--
-You ready? You're up next.
-What, now? I'm not ready.
-We need more time, damn you.
Can't Barclay
go first?
No, he's been canned.
Apparently, an anonymous source
told them what he's like.
-And they were, like--
-Mike?
What? He's bad PR
you know it.
How did he take it?
-Erm--
-"Erm." They're all at it.
Give me five minutes
and I'll let you know.
Wish me luck.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'll do it. We need
to be gentle with him
and then we need to get him
out of here real quick.
-Obi.
Oh, we're finished here,
are we?
Hey, see.
It's a masterpiece.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, give it to me.
-And why are you wearing it?
-'Cause it looks sick.
Right. Er, we're ready
for Alison.
Just up
by the fence there.
-Fence? What fence?
-Just up by the--
She thought the view
was quite good.
No, no, no,
I mean, there's much
better spots near the house,
like, er, by the sign,
so you can see the house,
by the sign.
It's, just,
we're all set up
over there now.
But, but, maybe we'll come
and grab something
here a bit later.
I'm thrilled to fill in
a tiny part of its rich
and varied history.
Yes, that'll do it. Right.
Once more.
Get it in the old memory.
Oh, God, is he still here?
-Hello, there.
-What? Me?
May I just say
what an honour it is
to be joining you here
in this wonderful house.
Oh, God. No.
I'm thrilled
to fill in a tiny part
of its rich
and varied history.
It's happened.
Alison!
BARCLAY: Ah, perfect.
Er, knock, knock.
Hi. How are you?
-How are you?
-Yes, fine. Raring to go.
Ah, right.
It's just--
Do you want to sit down?
-No.
-Really? Okay.
The thing is, talking again
to the documentary guys,
it seems now they want
to focus more on people
who actually lived,
live, in the house.
Oh, dear.
So, I wore a new shirt
for nothing.
Been bally baking
in it all day.
And talk
about itchy.
Well, that explains it.
Yes, it does.
Er, that's much better.
Yeah.
Oh.
Breathe, but don't gasp
and don't gabble.
No "ums" and "ahs".
If you need to pause,
pause, but don't show
you're pausing.
Look, I know that
you mean well,
but it's me
they want to talk to.
Not some dropout
from the Thomas Thorne
finishing school.
So will you please
just stop talking
and accept you're better poet
than you are a teacher
and that is really
saying something.
Confident, eloquent,
composed.
My work here is done.
-Damn your eyes.
-You're welcome.
Mmm.
ALISON: It was inherited
through my dad's side,
but he died
when I was young
and my mum
passed away
more recently.
So, with no living relatives,
the house has become
a kind of link
to my ancestors
through the ages.
It's like having family
all around me.
ZARA: And can you give us
any more information
about the house?
Now, could you smile,
-but with your voice.
-Say Button House.
JULIAN: Alison!
ZARA: building itself
is every bit as fascinating
as your journey--
I warned you.
I did warn you.
Pull the top down.
THOMAS: You're doing
very well.
Try not to hesitate.
I warned you. Alison!
-ZARA: Alison?
ZARA:
Literally a phone call
saying you now own this house.
ALISON:
It was inherited
through my dad's side,
but he died when I was young
and my mum passed away
more recently.
So, with no
living relatives,
the house has become
a kind of link.
Ah, can't see the logo,
lose the thing.
Lose the thing.
It's like having family
all around me.
ALL: Aw.
I think this
is where I--
Well, the brick,
the brick frontage,
is--
well, was a brick frontage
Yeah.
that was added
to what was a Tudor house.
FANNY: What does that say?
What is a "butt ho"?
Are you the butt ho?
It was brick.
It had a brick facade.
-Oh. Obi.
-Oh, my--
what we now see, now,
on Button House.
Well, thanks, everyone.
But there's much more
to this place than just
structural issues.
For one thing, it's haunted.
And I'm turning it off.
-No, no.
-Oh, hang on a sec.
I think this
is my cameo.
Ooh.
JULIAN: Watch the vase.
-Wait for it. There.
-This house has changed
much in the last 400 years.
-Can I have your autograph?
-Oh, you got a pen?
But one thing's for certain,
when it came
to the Catholic cause,
Sir Humphrey Bone
was a man prepared
to stick his neck out.
Oh, very good.
Neck? Seriously?
Whether Elizabeth's spies
knew about the letter
is still a matter
of much conjecture.
Hello. Where has
she been hiding?
She's not dead,
Julian.
Good ones
never are.
It's just a costume.
They're making a documentary,
history's greatest plots.
Apparently, there was a coup
planned here back in the day.
Hey, look, that wasn't
a coup per se,
that was an informal
discussion with some
parliamentary colleagues
about Maggie's
leadership style,
you know.
She's not talking
about the '80s, mate.
Look at her.
Then what plot she talk about?
About.
Don't know,
it's just what they told us.
I thought you might know.
It's possible Elizabeth's
forces simply happened
upon the plotters.
One for the bloopers.
Elizabeth's forces
simply happened
upon the plotters.
What?
You know, I don't think
I've ever seen you laugh.
No.
Well, I asked the producer
if they'll name-check the house
and he just
stared at me blankly.
-So
-That's the producer
over there, Mike.
Oh, well,
then I asked some guy.
Er, do you mind?
Some of us are trying
to learn something here.
Regarded by many as a martyr,
a mastermind, a hero.
And perhaps the most
important person ever to have
walked these grounds.
Is it me?
Sounds like me.
Which is why the history
books echo with the name
Sir Humphrey Bone.
-Oh.
Heavens. Why, I think
she means--
It's fallen off again!
Head, Humphrey.
Where is it?
ZARA: It's just such
an incredible place.
-Can almost hear the history
echo from the walls.
-Yeah, it's almost like--
-Shut up!
And there's the Stuart facade
and the Dutch gable.
-And those--
-High end B and B
in the gatehouse.
Opens next spring.
Tell your friends.
We could probably do
a guest--
We're really, really lucky
to have found,
well, been given, this place.
Actually, we did wonder
if you'd be up for talking
about your family connection
to the house.
-On camera.
-Who? Me?
I've never been on camera.
Well, have a think about it.
-Yeah.
- She'll think
about it.
-You mad?
-Context?
The interview.
To make the gatehouse
a guesthouse,
we need ghosts. Guests.
And this is free publicity.
-So--
-No, forget it.
I'm not going on telly.
Why? What are you
so scared off?
Going on telly.
Oh, you'd be great.
-No.
-Camera would love you.
MIKE: Just tell your story.
Name-drop the house and,
oh, you could wear a top
with our logo on it.
We don't have a top
with our logo on it.
-Hmm.
-We don't have a logo.
I'll call Obi,
he'll do us a great logo.
Oh, bad moon
on the rise.
Dust covers dawn.
Birds fall, crop fail.
Something wicked
this way come.
Oh, that explains it.
Anybody home?
Ah, Annabelle.
-Alison.
- Alison.
-Was hoping I'd catch you.
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey?
-Humphrey.
-Humphrey?
Humphrey.
-Humphrey.
-I'm just saying,
personally speaking,
I can't remember
ever seeing you
properly laugh.
That's absolute nonsense.
I laugh all the time.
Why, only the other evening,
Fanny and I were in stitches
while recalling
the satirical skewering
of socio-political institutions
in the Mikado.
-Isn't that right, Fanny?
-Mmm?
-The Mikado.
-Oh, hilarious skewering
of socio-political
institutions.
-Hysterical.
-Side splitting.
-Riotous. I concur.
-Agreed.
So, I hope that puts
this matter to rest.
Carry on.
-Humphrey? Humphrey?
-Head? Humphrey?
Neither of you laugh.
-Found it.
-Him.
Him. Sorry.
You didn't tell us
you were famous.
Am I? Ooh, that's nice.
Am I a painter?
She means the plot, mate.
The Catholic plot.
Oh, that.
You always said your death
was just a misunderstanding.
In a way, yeah.
Certainly wasn't,
um, straightforward.
MARY: What? One chop.
Well, it sounds
pretty straightforward to me,
but then,
I was burned alive, so--
CAPTAIN: All right, now,
steady on, Mary.
-Steady. Steady.
-Well.
I mean, more, that
the circumstances
were complicated.
I could tell you
about it if you like.
-Yeah.
-Well, if you wouldn't mind.
-We've got all day.
-Yeah.
-Yum.
Oh. Thank you.
Bon matin.
Sleep well, er,
d ormir, er, bon?
It gets quite draughty
down your end of the, um--
Don't be a
Be a
Um, I was just wondering
if there might be
something you might
fancy doing.
Not with me. Not with me.
Like, um,
I meant more for you.
-Like a hobby.
Something that
might make you
a bit more, um, joyeux?
The--
A tapestry, maybe.
Or you could learn
some English
or there's archery.
Or you could
learn a bit of English.
It doesn't matter,
actually.
Livre.
Me leave?
I live here.
Livre.
Oh, er,
like a reading group.
Yeah, great idea.
You could use the chartroom
up in my end if you wanted.
And maybe in winter,
you could learn
a bit of English.
It is ugly language.
It is an ugly language.
But, yes, well done,
very good.
KITTY: Humphrey?
Humphrey?
Humphrey?
HUMPHREY: Sorry.
It's not someone
I've thought about
in a very long time.
What about jokes?
Do you like jokes?
I don't think we ever lent you
a champagne bucket.
'Cause, well, we don't own
a champagne bucket.
Well, you do now.
Oh, a film crew.
How surprising.
I'm surprised that, now
I think of it,
I do remember Jan from the shop
mentioning something
about a documentary, was it?
-Oh.
-Lucky I dropped by.
I do feel lucky.
I imagine they could use
a little local knowledge.
Fill in the gaps
in their research.
I'm not sure that
you care what I say.
-Or know my name.
-BARCLAY: Hello, there.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local land owner
slash historian.
He hasn't changed,
has he?
Arrogant, sleazy,
and entirely self-serving.
Can you believe
I used to associate
with that type.
So, I've done
a lot of--
Hello.
See that?
I spy harry heart attack.
Those three-bottle lunches
finally catching up
with him, eh?
Oh, no. Alison.
You have to get him
out of here right now.
-What are you
talking about?
-Barclay.
He's on the verge
of a heart attack.
Trust me,
I know the signs.
What if he can't sit
right there
and doesn't move on?
We could be stuck
with him forever.
I think you're
getting a bit
carried away.
Which means you could
be stuck with him, too.
ROBIN: Every day.
For the rest
of your life.
ALISON: Oh, no.
Lovely strip of land
at the end of the drive there
once belonged to me.
-OBI: No way.
-MIKE: Okay.
What about 4:30?
Could you do it by 4:30?
It's not
about the deadline.
I'm just not doing black text
on a white T-shirt.
-I'm an artiste.
-What?
Would you ask Michelangelo to
touch up your skirting boards?
Depends on his prices.
-And if he could
do it by 4:30.
-Here's what I'll do.
Custom vector logo.
Three-colour digi print,
on a high-weave cotton blend.
Oh, sounds great.
Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
And you'll credit me
on air, right?
I mean, if they ask
about the top.
Oh.
They'll ask about the top.
That's a fact.
And the priest says, "I know.
That's why I painted it gold."
That is offensive
to at least five
different religions.
There are only
three in it.
Give over. It's just
a harmless bit of fun.
You haven't heard
me jumbo jet joke yet.
There's a nun,
a gorilla and a paedo--
Do you mind?
I'm baring my soul here.
Yeah, you're making this
very slow and painful.
-Unlike his execution.
-Oh.
Yeah, where was I?
Oh, yeah. Book club.
Bonjour. Good to see you.
Bonjour again.
Well, happy reading.
What book
is it this week?
Um, quel livre?
Well, don't tell me
how it ends.
Moi, joyeuse.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, don't just stand there.
We have much to do.
We've received word
from Queen Mary.
She approves of your plan,
but only if we can act quickly.
There are spies everywhere.
We cannot delay.
Then Monday it is.
We get Elizabeth
on her way to chapel.
By this time next week,
the true queen
will sit on the throne.
Death to Queen Bess.
ALL: Death to Queen Bess.
What about him?
-He knows nothing.
-Famously.
He is a good man.
So, the plan is to conceal
our place here.
BARCLAY: Well, fancy that.
Young filly there
seems to think I might have
some useful insights.
Her words, not mine.
Well, mine,
but she nodded.
Wants to get me
on camera.
And you're not, like,
nervous about--
What I, What I mean
by that--
Tell the old guff
to go and die
in his own property.
-Got enough of this.
-Are you okay?
Me? Yes.
Fit as a fiddle.
In fact, I'm on a bit
of a health kick.
After 20 years
of no exercise whatsoever,
I've just
taken up squash.
-Yeah, that'll do it.
-What is squash?
So, we've got a few more shots
to grab in the Rose Garden
and then we'll be back
to do the interviews.
-If you're both happy and--
-Marvellous.
-Yeah.
-I'll go and rehearse.
There's no need
to prepare anything.
Really.
Best to keep it natural.
-Conversational.
-Of course. Of course.
Amateur.
You have got
to get him out of here.
I meant to say, Zara,
there's a stunning view
of the house,
um, from just,
just past that fence.
I thought it might make
a nice background
for Barclay's interview.
Okay, I'll take a look.
Yeah, just past the fence.
-Just outside the ground.
-Outside.
-Outside.
-Outside.
Did you say outside?
Yeah, I think she got it.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
local historian.
A friend of the house.
Barclay Beg-Chetwynde,
Button House spokesmen.
What's he doing here?
Chetbegwynde.
Beg-Chetwynde.
He just appeared
like posh Batman.
Well, he's in there saying
he's our spokesman.
Yeah, well, he spoke
to Zara and they want
to film a bit with him now.
-What?
-Yeah.
Can't let him speak for us.
You've got to do the interview.
Well, pile on the pressure.
No. It's just I know
that you could do it.
-You're the face
of Button House.
Because you know
what you've got?
Inner strength?
I was going to say a branded
sweatshirt coming,
but inner strength.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
Love you.
THOMAS: Is it your
oral skills?
-Excuse me?
-That worry you
about the interview.
I just don't want
to be on camera.
-It's public speaking.
-I understand entirely.
I remember my first
confabulation
on Button FM.
Stammering like
a chicken-hearted clown.
But I found
my voice, Alison.
And I can help you
find yours.
Okay?
Okay.
How dare you!
I'll have you know I've got
my entertainer's badge.
Just hadn't sewn it on yet.
The same with
my sewing badge.
I'm simply saying that
the reason you so rarely
see us reduced
to fits of hysteria
is because in present company
we're seldom given cause.
All right then,
why don't you
make us all laugh?
-Show us how it's done.
-I'll handle this, Fanny.
-Right, now.
-I just remember thinking,
"Well, it must be a pretty good
book 'cause they've been
in there for ages."
Farewell. Bonsoir.
Er, bon--
See you all. Take care.
Oh, someone
forgot their-- Oh.
Oh, no.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon bore the brunt.
The butler burned the butter,
but the bacon--
Something amusing?
Sorry. It's just,
it's hard to think
of you in a sort of,
well, teacher role.
Ah, I see,
because of the frisson.
-The frisson?
-The frisson.
Between us.
I know it is difficult, Alison,
but while you are
under my tutelage,
you really must pretend
there is no frisson.
Thomas, there is no frisson.
That's the spirit.
-Now then, your turn.
The butler, the butler burned,
the butler burned the butter
and the butter--
-Butler.
-The butler burned
the butter.
-What's a butler? Big "but".
-Big "but".
-Welcome to Button House.
-I know it feels strange, but--
Shaking everything
THOMAS: I am a confident
and beautiful young woman.
ALISON: I am
a confident woman.
-And I deserve
to be on television.
-Welcome to Button House.
We're not a seagull.
Remember--
Thomas is terrific
and I wish we were betrothed.
Thomas is terrific
and I wish we were--
-No.
-It's just an exercise.
I can do
something else.
CAPTAIN:
And the quartermaster says,
"You may have paid the bill,
"but I'm still
the pate familias."
-Because he's had the pate.
Do you see?
-The pate.
-FANNY: Very clever.
-She didn't laugh.
You didn't laugh,
nobody laughed.
Yes. Long fancy words
don't make something funny.
I find I often laugh most
at the simplest things.
-Duly noted.
-Like someone else laughing.
Oh, yes.
Laughter is contagious.
What? Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
Not in a bad way,
Kitty. No.
Just that laughter
breeds more laughter.
-That's preposterous.
-Balderdash!
-What's up?
-OBI: About this top,
-I've been looking--
-Haven't you done it yet?
Impact-wise.
We could wrap the text
around the trunk.
I don't care if you
potato print it on a bin bag.
As long as it says Button House
and it's here by 4:30pm, yeah?
All right, all right,
I'm on it.
This sweater
is my Sistine Chapel roof.
-Ceiling.
-Is it? Good.
Because I just googled the roof
and I weren't blown away.
I say, I--
Anyway, where was I?
You were
about to die.
-Oh, yeah.
-If you can call that dying.
What have you done?
MAN 1: Halt.
Her Majesty's guards.
We have to go.
-Go? What?
-You want to live?
We must go.
MAN 2: Who do you think
you are?
Humphrey.
I'll hold them off
as long as I can.
What?
This isn't the life
you signed up for.
-Go. Have another one.
Well, go!
MAN 3: In the name
of Her Majesty,
open this door.
MAN 4: Show yourself.
MAN 5: Open up!
Keep going!
WOMAN: Beheaded on the spot
for high treason,
so heinous was his crime.
Mary's orders
still in his hand.
Sir Humphrey Bone,
mastermind
of the Bone Plot.
And martyr to it.
-At least, that's how--
For valiance.
-Yes.
-Quite right.
Well said, that man.
Fair dos.
I say fair dos.
It's a horrible way to go.
MARY: Easy for you to say,
isn't it?
Barely even feels
an arrow.
You what? Have you
ever had a--
We should tell Alison
what we've learned.
-Yes.
-KITTY: And she can tell
the television people.
Oh.
HUMPHREY: This isn't the life
you signed up for. Go!
MAN 1: In the name
of Her Majesty,
open this door.
MAN 2: Harder.
MAN 1: Open this door.
What am I doing?
Ah, yes, yes.
You son of a--
Yeah.
Her Majesty's guards.
Show yourself.
No sign of him, sir.
Why is it always
bad news with you?
-It's not always.
-Never, "I found him.
He's through here"
MAN 1: I found
that priest hole once.
MAN 2: There was no priest
there. That's just a hole.
-God, I love this house.
Whoopsie-daisy.
-I might say I did that.
-I would.
See, this is why
I won't have swords
in the house.
-Yeah.
-Well, you've got kids,
haven't you?
-Bad day?
Hi. Well, I think we're almost
ready to do the interviews,
if you--
Yeah, about that,
I don't know what
Mr Beg-Chetwynde told you,
but he's not actually
anything to do with
Button House.
He's just a, sort of,
I mean, local weirdo.
Actually, that's not fair.
No, that is fair.
So, yeah, we'd rather
he wasn't associated
with the house,
because, to be honest,
I'm worried about how
he comes across on TV.
Okay.
It's just that
I got the impression
your wife wasn't
all that keen
to do an interview.
Are you kidding?
She can't wait.
I'm telling you,
she's a natural.
Er--
-So, the house is, um--
-THOMAS: Um.
-Like, my connection, um--
-Um?
-To the family, um--
-Um, um, um.
-You see, if we can--
-You ready? You're up next.
-What, now? I'm not ready.
-We need more time, damn you.
Can't Barclay
go first?
No, he's been canned.
Apparently, an anonymous source
told them what he's like.
-And they were, like--
-Mike?
What? He's bad PR
you know it.
How did he take it?
-Erm--
-"Erm." They're all at it.
Give me five minutes
and I'll let you know.
Wish me luck.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'll do it. We need
to be gentle with him
and then we need to get him
out of here real quick.
-Obi.
Oh, we're finished here,
are we?
Hey, see.
It's a masterpiece.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, give it to me.
-And why are you wearing it?
-'Cause it looks sick.
Right. Er, we're ready
for Alison.
Just up
by the fence there.
-Fence? What fence?
-Just up by the--
She thought the view
was quite good.
No, no, no,
I mean, there's much
better spots near the house,
like, er, by the sign,
so you can see the house,
by the sign.
It's, just,
we're all set up
over there now.
But, but, maybe we'll come
and grab something
here a bit later.
I'm thrilled to fill in
a tiny part of its rich
and varied history.
Yes, that'll do it. Right.
Once more.
Get it in the old memory.
Oh, God, is he still here?
-Hello, there.
-What? Me?
May I just say
what an honour it is
to be joining you here
in this wonderful house.
Oh, God. No.
I'm thrilled
to fill in a tiny part
of its rich
and varied history.
It's happened.
Alison!
BARCLAY: Ah, perfect.
Er, knock, knock.
Hi. How are you?
-How are you?
-Yes, fine. Raring to go.
Ah, right.
It's just--
Do you want to sit down?
-No.
-Really? Okay.
The thing is, talking again
to the documentary guys,
it seems now they want
to focus more on people
who actually lived,
live, in the house.
Oh, dear.
So, I wore a new shirt
for nothing.
Been bally baking
in it all day.
And talk
about itchy.
Well, that explains it.
Yes, it does.
Er, that's much better.
Yeah.
Oh.
Breathe, but don't gasp
and don't gabble.
No "ums" and "ahs".
If you need to pause,
pause, but don't show
you're pausing.
Look, I know that
you mean well,
but it's me
they want to talk to.
Not some dropout
from the Thomas Thorne
finishing school.
So will you please
just stop talking
and accept you're better poet
than you are a teacher
and that is really
saying something.
Confident, eloquent,
composed.
My work here is done.
-Damn your eyes.
-You're welcome.
Mmm.
ALISON: It was inherited
through my dad's side,
but he died
when I was young
and my mum
passed away
more recently.
So, with no living relatives,
the house has become
a kind of link
to my ancestors
through the ages.
It's like having family
all around me.
ZARA: And can you give us
any more information
about the house?
Now, could you smile,
-but with your voice.
-Say Button House.
JULIAN: Alison!
ZARA: building itself
is every bit as fascinating
as your journey--
I warned you.
I did warn you.
Pull the top down.
THOMAS: You're doing
very well.
Try not to hesitate.
I warned you. Alison!
-ZARA: Alison?
ZARA:
Literally a phone call
saying you now own this house.
ALISON:
It was inherited
through my dad's side,
but he died when I was young
and my mum passed away
more recently.
So, with no
living relatives,
the house has become
a kind of link.
Ah, can't see the logo,
lose the thing.
Lose the thing.
It's like having family
all around me.
ALL: Aw.
I think this
is where I--
Well, the brick,
the brick frontage,
is--
well, was a brick frontage
Yeah.
that was added
to what was a Tudor house.
FANNY: What does that say?
What is a "butt ho"?
Are you the butt ho?
It was brick.
It had a brick facade.
-Oh. Obi.
-Oh, my--
what we now see, now,
on Button House.
Well, thanks, everyone.
But there's much more
to this place than just
structural issues.
For one thing, it's haunted.
And I'm turning it off.
-No, no.
-Oh, hang on a sec.
I think this
is my cameo.
Ooh.
JULIAN: Watch the vase.
-Wait for it. There.
-This house has changed
much in the last 400 years.
-Can I have your autograph?
-Oh, you got a pen?
But one thing's for certain,
when it came
to the Catholic cause,
Sir Humphrey Bone
was a man prepared
to stick his neck out.
Oh, very good.
Neck? Seriously?