Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s03e01 Episode Script

Gimme gimme gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
A man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
To the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a man! ♪
Who'd have thought it, Linda - after
all these years, we'd meet again?
Hardest screw in borstal, weren't I?
There's no need to look so scared!
Not now you've been so nice to me
and allowed me to live
in your back garden.
That's my young man.
- Handsome, isn't he? - Really?
We always thought you were a dyke!
Never confuse being
the hardest bitch in B-block with
being a dyke! How's your kneecaps?
Great, thank you.
They've healed up lovely.
Shall I bring my man round
for supper tonight, Linda?
- How long were you thinking of
staying? - Why? Any problem with that?
- No, it's just I'll have to speak to
my flatmate. - He won't mind, will he?
WILL he, Linda?
Still no oil painting, are you?
You offend me!
TRICKLING WATER
Wipe that up!
Morning, morning!
Oh! I had the most amazing dream!
I was in a cutting edge Channel 4
late-night soap called Benders.
I was in it and Sir Simon Shepherd
was in it, and it was really sort of
in-your-face Queer with a capital Q.
- Know what I'm going to do?
- I know what I'M gonna do - heave!
I'm going to write it down.
If the work won't come to me,
dammit - I'll create it myself!
The muse has entered me
and is throbbing for release!
Pass me my Pentel and click out my
nib. I feel like squirting some ink!
- I wrote a book once. - Oh, yes.
- Keen Teens.
Actually, it was more a photo shoot.
Actually
it was more a porn story.
Actually
I didn't write it, I was in it.
It's in my special box somewhere!
Actually, do you know what?
Pen and paper is so last century.
I'll just yank out my dictaphone.
Benders
by Thomas Thesselonius Farrel.
Daddy spilt some mayonnaise
on the snap of me bending over.
At least, he said it was mayonnaise.
I think it smells
more like coronation chicken.
A 444-part comedy-drama vehicle
for Sir Simon Shepherd
and Thomas Thesselonius Farrel.
- No, don't go near the window!
- Why not?
Because
Because Did you know, Tom,
that 175% of all drive-by shootings
happen near French windows?
Twiggy preserve us! One is
no longer safe in one's own home!
It's like living
in that violent film. What was it?
Chocolate Orange!
Oh, look! Mummy's teeth!
Aww!
- Tea? - No, I think it's gravy.
It's curry.
..Daddy!
Oh, look - mummy's Dutch cap!
Uncle Tyrone used to make me wear
that for my extra special treat!
The baddie could be shot at
the window - a comment on the lack
of serendipity in Blair's Britain.
Took the words out of my mouth!
I dedicate this to Julia McKenzie
and the entire cast of Fresh Fields.
If it wasn't for you, I'd still
be selling pop-socks in Dolcis.
Thanks for the inspiration, guys.
- If I pull this off and Sir Simon
is cast alongside me - You'll pull
HIM off! - Fingers crossed!
A chum of mine Well, he tried to
poison me - maybe "chum" is wrong -
- he said he'd slept with Sir Simon.
What do you say to that? - That
he had an overactive imagination.
Mummy had one of them.
No, she never!
It was an underactive thyroid!
Here it is!
Scene one. Tom stands naked but for
a dicky bow and a pair of galoshes,
whilst being approached from behind
by the marvellous Simon Shepherd.
Tom: What's that lovely perfume
you're wearing, Simey?
Simon
You, Tom! You!
Here it is!
I knew it was here somewhere!
Oh, I was so peachy!
Simey slowly unbuttons the buttons
on Tom's Burberry bell-bottoms
Oh, look at me licking me baps
and slapping me doughy buns!
Simon slowly
guides his hands over Tom's pert,
Morello cherry-esque nipples
..as Tom winces in Is that pain?
No, dear reader, 'tis ecstasy!
- Here, I'm opening me oven and
showing me runny flan. - Oh, for!
- It was set in a bakery!
- Give that to me!
- "Saturday girl Linda is enough to
make any man's dough rise!" Well,
not mine! - That's cos you're an 'omo!
What do you're think you're doing?
You can't walk in here and pillage
our supplies of H-2-bloody-O!
No, don't go to the window!
Don't go to the window!
What have you done,
you foolish, foolish child?
I've opened our back garden up
as a campsite.
Sometimes, I think you're a few
crumbs short of the full biscuit!
Away! Get away! Shoo, you gypsy
type persons! You all smell of poo!
- Don't, Tom! - What? - Honestly, one's
an ex-screw from me borstal! - What?
- She's not a nice person! - What! - Agh!
Oh, hello!
Help yourself to anything you need.
There's a lovely cushion.
Give her the couch! Take it! Here!
- Shirley Twitch.
"Fingers" to her friends. - Why?
CRUNCH!
This is my flatmate, Tom. I was just
saying what a lovely screw you were.
- I never laid a finger on any of my
girls. - Not without a knuckle-duster!
Tell me, Miss Miss Fingers,
are you still a screw?
No, Tom. These days I guess you
could say I'm a philanthropist!
- I used to collect stamps too!
How many do you have?
- You taking the piss? - No, no!
- You scared of me, Tom? - No, no,
you remind me of very big, fluffy
bear called Nancy, Miss Twitch.
- See you at eight! - OK, bye!
Go easy down them stairs.
What's happening at eight? Huh?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- Calm down! Her and her fella are
coming for tea. - Over my dead body!
- I know how to get rid of unwanted
visitors! - You said that about your
little problem, but it still itches!
Is that the council? I suppose
it must be - you sound very vulgar.
I have four words for you.
Vagrant! Lawn! Get rid!
No, I don't hate travellers! First
record I ever bought was "Caravan".
I am NOT a fascist! I've still got a
"Coal Not Dole" sticker on my ballet
bag. Billy Elliot was based on me.
Oh, I know, wasn't it?
Oh, I know, I love that film.
Which was your favourite bit?
When he kissed the boy? Mine too!
Didn't your heart?
I can do the dance! Listen!
I didn't know Tom was epileptic!
- Shall I call Dr Quinley?
- No, he's doing that film.
The one with the little boy.
The Sixth Sense?
"I see dead people!"
No, the one set up north or Iceland.
You know, where they talk weird.
She was in it! Julie what's it?
- Andrews! - Bloody hell, was that her?
She's gone right common!
I'm nipping out the campsite.
Catch some rays.
If my garden turns into Butlins, I'm
holding you personally responsible!
Before you can say "Ruth Madoc",
there'll be knobbly knees contests
and a man called Freddy standing
in the toilets with his pecker out!
Or was that just MY experience?
Hello?
Oh, big, fat, hairy bollocks!
So, all you do, just pour
some boiling water, then stand
for a couple of minutes.
In the meantime, you can
have a cigarette and a finger.
A-hem!
Sorry to bother you, Nigella!
- I'm off. - You can't leave me alone
with her! - I'm going to Spud-U-Like
to continue toying with my Benders.
My aunt wrote her suicide note
in a Spud-U-Like on the steamy
windows with her tongue! Freak!
..We're off to sunny Spain
Y Viva Espana! ♪
- Ole! - Oh, Linda, we're so excited
about staying at your campsite!
- I'm moist! Feel!
I'm like a dripping sponge!
Sorry - you're treating staying
in your own garden as a holiday?
- We fancied the Algarve, but,
as Suze is with child, flying
is out of the question. - I'll say.
I went on the Chairoplanes at Margate
and got air-rage! Demanded to see the
stewardess! I'm not in my right mind!
- So we thought, "How about a few
hours under canvas?" - I've spent many
a happy holiday in the New Forest -
stroking a pony, waking each morning
to a cheeky little thoroughbred
nibbling my muslin flaps.
- Linda, how much is it again?
- Seeing as you're my neighbours,
how about £500?
- Right. - Excuse me, sorry!
You are paying to stay
in your own back garden!
Come on, Suze - holiday time!
- I feel like Mavis Nicholson in
Cuckoo's Nest. - It's JACK Nicholson.
- Not at the Sheffield Crucible! Bye!
- You! Stay where you are! - Oh,
Miss Twitch, don't you look lovely!
- You look like a pretty princess.
- It's a little something I used
to wear for the borstal balls.
I used to love those borstal balls.
We used to call them the sweaty
Tom, not going anywhere, are ya?
Sadly, I have a prior engagement
to write at a potato-based eatery.
- Meet my young man, Si.
- Hi, how do you do?
Si? That's an unusual name,
innit? Si.
It's like Gasp.
- Believe it or not,
it's short for Simon. - Oh!
Cut-glass diction!
What did you do before you dropped
like a man's slacks out of society?
- I was an actor.
- Oh, really? Tom's an actor!
- You said you was a writer.
You lying to me? - Well,
he's bi-jobual! He's a bit of both.
It's a fiendish business, eh, Si?
- You probably haven't had the luck
or talent I've had. I've done TV,
ads, theatre, film - Pop videos!
Yes, I was wedding guest with
Bell's palsy in "Tragedy" by Steps.
Don't remember?
Tragedy ♪
- He's played a lot of people with
afflictions, haven't you, Tom? - Yes.
- I had a reasonable amount of success.
- To me, street theatre was success.
- Well, then, you're a bit
of a sad git, aren't you? - Si's
been on the telly, ain't you, Si?
I know who you are! I know!
You're Worzel Gummidge, aren't you?
I can do him! Cuppa tea, Aunt Sally!
- I'm not Worzel Gummidge. - Remember
when I was on telly, Miss Twitch?
Yeah, when we thought you'd escaped.
- I hadn't. The other girls hid me
under the floorboards. - What, alive?
They wouldn't be that cruel! They
dropped an hairdryer into the bath
so they thought I was a goner.
- But I'm a fighter! - My saddest
moment - when I felt your pulse.
Tell us about
your little telly moment, then.
- I was the lead in a medical romantic
drama. - What was it again, Si?
- Piano Practice? - No.
Peak Practice.
Peak Peak Practice?
Did you say Peak Practice?
Don't be so ridiculous!
The only Simon in Peak Practice
was the wonderful, inspirational,
phantasmagorical Sir Simon Shepherd!
- Can I use your bathroom? I need to
spruce myself up a bit. - Oh, my God
Are you really Sir Simon Shepherd?
I don't bel!
Can I touch you?
Well, pick him up!
I thought you were a bloody doctor!
Well, originally, I left the series
to pursue other things.
I did a bit of a dreadful sitcom.
I forget its name
About two flatmates. She was sex-mad,
he was a disillusioned actor
- They put some crap out these days,
don't they? - Dreadful.
After that, work kind of dried up.
One day I was signing on the dole,
when I met the lovely Miss Twitch.
We fell in love, didn't we?
And after that, it seemed
churlish to return to TV.
- And how did YOU end up a tramp,
Miss Twitch? - CLOTHES OFF, HUGHES!
COLD SHOWER!
It's La Hughes now! LA Hughes!
Darling, it's time for
your medication. You must lie down.
Oh it's so cold out there, Simey!
Can't I stay in here, Simey?
Fingers, we're talking. We'd keep you
awake. And there's all those people
queueing for the campsite.
- Can I have a lie-down in your bed,
Linda? - No - Yes, you can! Take her
out! Take out Miss Twitch! Quickly!
Go! Go!
Simon and I need to be alone to have
a little chin-whang WAG! Chinwag!
I love your dress sense, Linda.
Think like a slut,
dress like a slut.
Bye!
I never had a daughter.
- And I think it might be a bit late
to start thinking of babies now.
- A BIT? - Maybe
Maybe YOU could call me Mummy!
- Try it, Linda. - I don't want to.
- You never had a mummy, did you?
- Yeah, you met her.
- She wasn't your REAL mummy - old
Dolly. - She was! - She was just some
old bird you wouldn't leave alone.
I'm not saying she wasn't good
to you. Her whole family treated you
like one of their own.
But your REAL mummy dumped you
on them cos she couldn't
stand the sight of you.
Ain't that right?
That's a lie!
Your REAL mummy was a witch.
No-o-o!
From the neck up,
she had the head of a horse
You're lying to me!
Why are you lying to me?
Sorry, Linda. I thought you knew.
Didn't no-one ever tell you?
No-o-o!
Ha! Gotcha! You were always
so gullible, you silly bitch!
Attention Attention
This is your camp manager speaking.
And when I say "camp"
I mean "camp" as in "site",
not as in "get you, bitch mother!"
The ladies' lavatories are blocked.
I repeat, the ladies' lavatories
are blocked.
Kindly ablute your doings
in that mulberry bush o'er yonder.
Dismissed.
- Well I'm glad I've got you on my
ownsome lonesome, because we have a
mutual friend in common. - Who's that?
Cliff Higgenbottom. We did
a sandwich course together at RADA.
He was on ciabattas, I was on baps.
That poisonous old queen.
Told everyone I was a poof.
Gotta pity the rancid fruit.
AND the thick twats who believed him.
You know you look
sphincter-clenchingly beautiful.
- In the dusk of this eventide light.
- I said to him
I said, "Clive, nobody likes to drink
from the fur cup more than I do."
I've got nothing against nancy-boys
per se Our business would fall
apart without shirtflap-lifters.
God, your hair is so
so hairy, isn't it?
And your eyes are like
two azure paddling pools of love.
Tom can you keep a secret?
I mean, you won't tell Fingers?
If you don't want anyone to hear it,
you'll have to whisper in my ear.
That's not quite close enough.
I have rather a crooked cochlea.
In fact, I'm going to have to sit
on your lap with your arms No!
I'm slipping! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Master Shepherd! Is that your crook
I feel in the small of my back?
- All I was going to say is that
I'm itching to get back in front of
the cameras! - I have a brilliant idea!
You can be the lead in "Benders" -
my TV series!
You play Simon and I'll be -
what a coincidence - Tom!
- Let's plunge straight in with
scene two, shall we? So you are
- In the shower, naked
- And you're on the toilet. - Right
But I'm only tinkling -
I always sit down to tinkle.
So, Tom, do you want to join me?
You look like you could do
with a good soaping-up.
OK, Si. Should I keep my trunks
on or off?
- Oh, I think off, Tom, don't you?
- Whatever you say, Simon.
- Off go the trunks, then.
- I'll just mime that Sod it -
in for a penny, in for a pound!
Look!
- A very strange stage direction
- Is it? - Yeah. It says that we kiss.
Oh, really?
Gosh! That's strange, isn't it?
Must be a typing error or something.
But I'm game if you are!
- No, I'm reading further on here
- What?
Is that physically possible
with a bar of soap?
Em two words, Simon.
Patience and practice.
Now, come on.
Are you going to kiss me or not?
You're a boy. I'm not kissing a boy.
That's where you've got it
all wrong, Simey. I'm no boy.
I'm man.
All man!
No!
Steady, tiger!
Do you know, Tom? I think you're
released something dormant in me.
Then let's do it again!
And this time use your tongue -
it's there for a reason, godammit!
- Get him off! - Get off him, Tom!
Get off him!
Well, well, Linda Hughes!
..Si, get out there
and pack the tent up. We're leaving.
Simey ain't going anywhere,
Miss Twitch. I've woken something
hitherto a-slumbering within him.
I think you'll find that
he's jumped ship, sexuality-wise.
Go on, Si, tell her. With you at
my side, she don't scare me no more.
Is this true, Si?
Have you gone all puffy on me?
It is true that
Tom's awoken something in me, yes
I'll KILL you!
No, no! Fingers!
It's not my latent homosexuality!
- I want to be an actor again.
I read this script - You like it?
No, it's dreadful. But it's awoken
my desire to act again. Peak Practice
have been begging me to come back.
Twitchy, how do you feel about
pitching the tent in the car park of
a GP's surgery in the Peak District?
Oh, Si Si
No!
But I felt tongue!
You used your tongue!
Don't do this to me!
I love you, Simon Shepherd!
Oh, shut up!
Come on, Twitchy!
Phew!
TUNE BEEPS
Yeah, that's good. Very good
DISCORDANT BEEPING
Perfect.
- How's the series going? - Marvellous!
I've reworked it into
a big musical - "Hey, Big Bender."
- So where have YOU been? - Judging
the Glamorous Granny competition.
Wish I'd bloody never started
that campsite.
- Thanks for a lovely holiday, Linda!
- Who'd have thought it -
ME winning the competition
for the Prettiest Pregnant Person!
Wasn't it funny, Linda, when they
asked if YOU were going in for it?
Because although you LOOK pregnant,
you are, of course,
vomit-inducingly ugly!
Get out of my lounge!
Go on! Piss off!
Well, well
Well, well, well, well, well.
Funny old day, weren't it?
I can think of many transient verbs
to describe today, Linda -
painful, humiliating, frightening
very, very frightening
but not by any stretch
of the imagination was it FUNNY!
What, just cos Sir Simon Shepherd
didn't fancy ya?
Bollocks!
When we kissed,
there was definite trouser movement!
Linda how much are you charging
per tent?
£500.
But but there must be
over 1,000 tents out there!
3,971.
God! Do you know what this means?
Do you know what this means? It
means I'm rich! Rich! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
RICH! ..Oh, no, shit. YOU'RE rich.
What're you gonna do with the money?
Spend it.
But if you do sex with me,
I'll give you half.
What position do you want, then?
- Space hopper! - Come on
Oh, yes! Come on! Oh, yes, bitch!
- Oh, yes! - Harder! Harder!
We're rich! We're rich! We're rich!
No, dear! I'M rich!
If I may draw your attention
to your tenancy agreement, section 5,
subsection 35a, and I quote
"In the event of my back passageway
being used as a campsite
"all proceeds from said venture
will go to Ms Beryl Merit."
- Well, you've started now, it seems
a shame to stop. - Yeah, true
Bounce it, bitch, bounce it!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪