Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce" I just think it's time to take control of my message.
So you're ditching your entire brand? No, I'm not ditching my brand.
I'm expanding it.
Do you have any idea how much time and money SheShe spend building you as the sexy, fun face of divorce? I can't live in a world that doesn't have both of us in it.
That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We got married at the courthouse yesterday.
I received an envelope with photos.
You and Albert? You are gonna pretend to be a perfectly respectable bride.
God help me, I am in love with you.
You're insane, you know that? I married that woman.
But no, no, no, Jo.
I need to say this.
- Okay.
- Nothing can live up to this.
Want to meet your son? Oh, you're beautiful.
Can you take him for a little bit? No, Becca.
Just to the park or Magic Mountain.
Becca.
She's not here, Dad.
She's gone.
So we're back with Abby McCarthy, the author of the nationwide best seller, "The Art of Artful Living.
" - Beautiful book - Oh, my gosh, I got to say, - I love, love, love this book, Abby.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much.
I just thought, you know, if people would just take the time to beautify the simple things You mean, like, a toilet paper holder or something like that? Yeah, exactly, like their toilet paper holder.
It would just make their lives all that much richer.
- I did that, remember? - It was weird.
Uh-huh.
I made mine look like a mustache.
- Everyone was talking about it.
- I used duct tape.
It was a thing of beauty.
But didn't you used to write about just more serious things, like your kids and relationships and that sort of thing? - Yeah, I did, a long time ago.
- Oh.
- Why'd you quit doing that? - That sounds like a different "Abby McCarthy," Kath, - doesn't it? - It does.
Yeah, it was a little bit different.
Really, you should change your name because that woman, whew, she made a colossal mess of her career, her life.
Do you remember? Wait, that was the woman.
Her marriage fell apart, and she was the one who got busted with that male hooker, - sleeping with that guy.
- I've forgotten about that.
Well, she had reasons to sleep with him.
What could the reasons have been? Maybe she hated credibility.
Yeah, maybe she doesn't like money.
How's she gonna pay her bills? - Money.
- Hooker.
- [distorted.]
Career.
- Bills.
Duct tape.
Career.
- Bills.
- Duct tape.
Hooker.
So what about the royals? Aren't they I mean, how cute is that little George? I love him, I love him.
Here's the great thing about him.
Little George, you just want to grab his feet and go Feet, feet.
- And then the little thighs.
- I know.
- And Charlotte.
- I love She had a boo-boo on her.
[knock on door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look like you need some coffee.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
I've had a lot, but I dropped the kids off, and I just thought I would stop by here before I took this baby to the firehouse.
- The firehouse? - I can't do this.
I maybe got to close my eyes for ten minutes last night, and I can't get in touch with Becca, who's this baby's, you know, actual parent.
- She's been missing for days.
- Yeah, four days.
So I gathered up all the baby stuff, and I'm gonna take him over to safe surrender today.
- No.
- Yeah, I'm gonna give him to a fireman.
Firemen are so capable.
- No.
- Abby, I'm gonna leave this baby in a hot car by accident, or I'm gonna feed him solids.
I mean, look at me.
I have a huge meeting today.
I look like I've been in Vegas with a baby and Johnny Depp for three days.
Okay, give me the baby.
Give me the baby.
- Are you sure? - You just got back from Latvia.
- Yes.
- You need some sleep.
And you need to have maybe some tea, not coffee and maybe a shave - and maybe a Valium or three.
- Okay, I just I should just Okay.
I mean, don't you have to work? - Are you sure? - I do.
My to-do list is getting out of hand, but I am still waiting for the call to find out when I face the SheShe tribunal.
It's all right.
Wait.
Hold on one second.
I brought the stuff, though, just in case.
You sure? You can, yeah, take the baby? Yeah? You know, I mean, just do a quick load.
- One load.
- No, no, no problem.
- I got it, I got it.
- You sure? Listen, you need to get some sleep, and I need some sweet, Taye Diggs-flavored baby head in my life.
- Okay.
- Safe surrender to me.
[soft pop music.]
Whoa.
Did we finish that whole case? Consider it a liquid honeymoon.
- Speaking of honeymoon.
- No, no.
- Do we have time? - Mm-mm, no.
Ralf is gonna be here any minute with the kids.
[laughter.]
[beeping.]
- Need some help? - You okay? I'm just so mad at myself, and now this is frozen, like my heart.
No, sweetie.
No.
- Let me just get out of your hair.
- No, no, no.
The kids are gonna be here soon.
Stay.
There's plenty of room for all of us.
No, you guys should have your space.
I mean, this is the first time you've been together, right, since you told them? You got real married.
- But, yeah.
- Unlike Aunt Delia, who made a mockery of the whole institution.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, we didn't say it like that, but yeah.
- Hey, hey, it's fine.
- God.
We're all fine.
I mean, the kids adore JD.
[sniffles.]
No, I really just don't need any of your newlywed juice just spewing all over me.
No offense.
I'd like to say on this romantic, poetic, sacred occasion that love is a fraud.
- Oh, Jo.
- You hear yourself? - Not again.
- You shitfaced, stupid son of a bitch.
Oh, yeah.
You've been reminding me about it every day.
Oh, I will keep reminding you every single day until the end of time.
I don't want you to forget for one second what you did.
Jo, you are shooting the messenger.
The me you're not a messenger.
You're a miserable lush.
You don't think I feel bad enough? As long as you're on my couch, you live by my rules, and if I want to force you to watch this video every single day like goddamn "Clockwork Orange," I will.
It is never going to happen again.
Oh, God.
I swear on our kid's life, never again.
He's just so full of shit.
How many times has he promised me he's gonna clean up? How did I get into this mess? Come to New York with me, just get away from it all.
I really wish you would reconsider.
I have a plan.
I'm gonna go back east for six months, let the dust settle here, and then my triumphant return.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello.
My name is Quinna.
Now, let's all think of something that we're grateful for today.
I am grateful for the convergence of the summer solstice and the full moon tonight.
- That's tonight? - Yeah, a true celestial blessing.
I will be back in just a few to take your order.
Okay.
Thank you.
The food here is good, but I kind of want to set her on fire.
No, she is right.
The convergence of the solstice and full moon is incredibly rare.
It's a powerful opportunity to access our sacral chakras.
- No to whatever that is.
- Yes.
We should have a goddess ceremony.
- Will there be wine? - No.
No, it is not like that.
It's spiritual.
Come on, let me do something nice for you guys.
I mean, my life feels so bountiful right now.
Things with JD are great and with the kids and Ralf.
They're just adapting to us being married.
- Everything's great.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late, you guys.
Please tell me that you ordered.
[baby whines.]
- Is that what I think it is? - Yeah, Jake was about to safe surrender him, so I intervened, and he finally settled down.
He's so cute.
Hella cute, but can I just tell you how screwed up it is that you are actually co-looking after this kid.
Agreed.
You should dump it at the firehouse with Taye and Becca's headshots pinned to its blanket.
- Wow.
- Come on, you guys, this whole free-floating baby thing and all the work stuff, it has me very, very anxious.
I'm just happy to be able to do something about something, so Okay, what can I get for you beauties? I am gonna go receptive.
Ah, ah.
You are? You have to say it like a statement, so I am receptive.
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not a bowl of seed with nature grains.
I'm gonna have the coffee 'cause I am tired.
I am hopeful.
- [cellphone chiming.]
- I am persuasive.
Sorry.
Abby here.
Yes.
Uh, today? Well, that's very soon.
That's okay.
Yes, yes, I will absolutely be there.
Okay.
Bye.
Ah Okay, you're okay, you're okay.
- What's going on? - Two hours.
I have two hours to pull myself together and go save the only paying job that I have left.
Why did I say that I would take care of you, you beautiful bastard? Who can help me? I would love to help you with the baby, but I have to prep for the goddess ceremony.
I have to get to the bakery, honey.
I'll take him.
Delia, you loathe children more than you loathe New York.
Yeah, and I'm going to New York.
Pain is transformational.
Isn't that what Phoebe always says? - Don't put that on me.
- Anyway, it doesn't seem like you have a choice.
Hey, little baby, want to watch Auntie Delia drink? Just kidding.
[laughs.]
Can we get it together All right.
You got this.
You are woman.
Roar.
And that is why my time with the gigolo is nothing to be afraid of.
In fact, it is an asset.
When Carl accused me of loneliness, of desperation, that's just what men do when they meet an independent woman of a certain age.
That is the story they want to tell.
But don't we become more human because of our mistakes? My brand becomes more valuable as I become more authentic.
Is that it? Uh, well, I could go on.
I mean, I'm a talker.
No, here's the thing.
You were trying to get back with your husband while writing about the wild, sexy freedom of divorce.
A little, yes.
We tried a little.
And that was something your readers felt betrayed by.
Again, we've done the optics.
- The optics? - Yeah, research is over.
It's all about optics now, and yours aren't good.
How is sleeping with your ex and then lying about it part of a healthy divorce? - Well, it's not unhealthy.
- It wasn't divorce.
- It is now.
- Abby, let me explain.
No, okay, I get it.
My story got a little confused lately, but that's divorce.
That's life.
You're the guy that wanted to slap an always sexy, always happy face on this, but if I embrace everything that has happened to me, and I am ready to, I think that we have something really exciting here.
Women in midlife, they just want to be reflected with honesty and compassion, and, dare I say it, they are looking for a leader.
I am going to be that leader for my generation.
[rock music.]
Is that all you got [moaning.]
[moaning loudly.]
[groans.]
[panting.]
How'd it go with Frumpkis? Oh, Jesus.
Really? I know that in addition to some spectacular shagging, we might also speak in words about matters of mild to actual importance.
If I wanted to talk, I'd go home.
I have a daughter for that.
Got it.
- Oh, come on.
- You know, you have a unique way of making me feel like a dildo with a person attached.
I mean, have you even told your friends about this, about whatever this is? You're acting like such a chick.
- Really? - Yeah.
God, it's as if as soon as you What? As soon as I what? As soon as you open your legs to me, you close your heart.
That is very pretty.
Did you just come up with that? Unbelievable.
Hey, Mitchell.
I just heard.
You fired Abby? - I let her make her case.
- And then you fired her.
We went in a different direction, yes.
Why? The Carl thing doubled traffic to her page.
I saw the research.
- Ah, ah.
Optics.
- Don't optics me.
Her work was connecting.
She spoke to our readers.
Maybe not the 24-year-old idiots in search of the perfect spray tan.
Those 24-year-olds spend good money.
Okay, but your idea for the column was inspired, Mitchell.
Divorce is hard.
Ladies like me need a sexy, fun face to give us hope.
- It was a good idea, wasn't it? - So good.
Okay.
750 words twice a week.
Excuse me? You write it.
Clearly, you are passionate about it.
You are in touch with the zeitgeist, and you're already on the payroll, so why not? Well, first of all, Abby's face and mine aren't exactly interchangeable, and secondly, I'm an editor.
With your very own byline.
I hereby dub ye SheShe's new merry divorcee.
Da, da-da-da - [baby crying.]
- Jesus.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, my God, okay.
Hey, look at that.
That's a doll.
Look.
All right, I'm running out of ideas here, baby.
Okay, hold on.
Hold on, Auntie Delia needs her ba-ba.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, okay.
Here we go.
Okay.
Oh, good boy.
That's good.
That's good, right? Okay, hold on.
All right.
Oh, God.
- Delia? - Hi.
Yes, yes.
We are good.
He is good.
He is just a little tyrant who just hates brownish people.
He is a brownish people.
Oi.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I'm is there a word for sad, lost, terrified, and humiliated? Oh, D, I'm so sorry.
Pre-drunk again.
Are you really sure it's a good idea to be moving away? I mean, if you need a break from the firm, shouldn't you take a break here where people love you? Thank you.
I think I need a fresh start.
Okay, but do you even know that Albert is the one that sent the pictures of you to Gordon? It had to be him.
- Or his wife or Gordon's ex.
- Yeah.
Or anyone who wanted to hurt you.
Did you even ask? I would rather move 3,000 miles.
Anyway.
Ugh.
How was your meeting? - I got fired? - What? I'm sorry, I don't know why that came out as a question.
- I got fired.
- What? No.
Really? The news is still sort of hitting me, but I went in, and I fought for it, and clearly, Mitchell was happy to see me go, so now I am officially unemployed with no prospects on the horizon.
- So - Okay.
You do have prospects.
Okay? Tons, and those guys, they're idiots.
Christopher is hot.
Didn't he feel hot to you? - What? - He's burning up.
Got to get him to the doctor.
I mean, I didn't don't think so.
- He seemed regular.
- He's radiating heat.
If he were a cartoon baby, there would be heat lines coming off of him.
When an infant gets a fever, it can be very serious.
- I didn't know.
- No, not your fault.
I need to get him to the doctor.
I need to text Jake.
I'll text Jake.
Just go.
Just you take him.
And I felt him, and he was just burning up, and I know that a fever can be super dangerous, right, so Jake and I, we've been sort of switching off taking care of him, so he's been going back and forth a lot, which is no surprise that he's come down with something.
And I have no idea if he's even had his shots, so 'cause obviously he's not my baby.
- 98.
5.
- Oh.
So how long is this baby staying with you? I really have no idea.
His mother's MIA, and his father is Taye Diggs.
- Love Taye Diggs.
- Yeah, well, obviously so did his mother, for one night at least.
[chuckles.]
Uh, may I? The baby is completely fine, but you are very, very warm.
Oh.
Of course.
I'm having a hot flash.
- Sorry.
- Have you seen anyone about that? No, because it is normal.
But you might want to consider hormone replacement.
Estrogen patches can really help with the symptoms.
- Estrogen patches.
- Yeah.
Come on now.
Don't look so grim.
People just weren't meant to live this long.
Work it on, win this game I want to take it down when I do my thing Gonna do my thing Gonna do my thing I give it all I got, my friend I'm unstoppable And it's time to hit the road again Hey.
I thought you'd left already.
Did you send Gordon those pictures? Tell me the truth.
- Hello to you too.
- Answer me.
I thought he had a right to know.
Oh, my God.
So you had to return a few gifts.
You want a Nambe bowl? I will buy you a bowl.
- You petty, little shit.
- You would've made a tragic trophy wife, and you know it.
You arrogant, petty, little shit.
- Someday you're gonna thank me.
- You ruined my life, Albert.
You ruined Gordon's life.
So you screwed me silly - because you were so in love with him? - I - You did not want to get married, Delia.
- No.
The sooner you admit that, the better.
I can't wait for you forever.
Wait for me? What we have comes along once in a lifetime.
I could burn my life down for it.
No, you would burn my life down for it, which is far less noble, and may I remind you that you are still married.
You of all people should know that is negotiable.
Wha? What? You're deluded.
You'll be back.
I give New York a month, tops.
Is he okay? Baby's fine.
I'm the one with the temperature problem.
What do you mean? I had a hot flash.
Abby, I ran, like, 14 lights to get here.
Well, this is somebody else's baby.
We can't afford to break him, and I panicked, and then Dr.
Efron told me that essentially, I have outlived my usefulness.
- What? - He said that people weren't supposed to live this long, so now that this kid-making factory is closed, I may as well just shuffle on off to Buffalo.
Yes, I'm sure that's exactly how he phrased it.
That is exactly how he phrased it, and then he gave me this prescription for an estrogen patch.
I don't even know where to put an estrogen patch.
Oh, I think they go over your mouth, right? Too soon? Sorry.
I'm just a dried-up, old skin pod.
I don't have a sense of humor.
Come on.
You may as well just put me on an ice floe like a Viking.
I think the Vikings were actually the fire raft guys, - but that doesn't matter.
- No, that was the Eskimos.
- No.
- I mean, the Inuits.
I don't even whatever.
Just give me a dignified send-off.
Abby, look at me.
Hey, hey.
You're still pretty hot for a dead chick.
I'd do you.
Aw.
Really? And if it didn't cause severe marital confusion, I would do you right here in front of this baby.
I don't even care.
- I ruined your meeting, huh? - Oh, no.
I managed that all by myself.
The guy just seemed to hate the way I breathed air.
Well, were you mouth breathing? How'd yours go? - Fired.
- Okay.
So between the two of us, we have exactly - None jobs.
- Zero jobs, yeah.
[laughs.]
I did get a line on Becca.
- Oh, really? She's around? - Florida.
She's staying with a cousin in St.
Augustine.
She really is in crisis.
Yeah, and I heard back from Taye's people.
They are reaching out to him, whatever that means.
Oh, I'll tell you what that means.
Taye, babe, looks like your super sperm met a magic egg.
Give us a jizzle jangle.
[chuckles.]
One way or another, this little guy's off our hands soon.
- Hello? - Hello, sister.
Ready to get my goddess on.
Oh, did you not get the text about wearing white? Oh, I'm taking care of an infant.
Everything I have that's white is soaking in a vat of bleach and my ancient tears.
Oh, wow, never mind.
Just come in.
Come in and enter with an open heart.
I shall.
Wow, it is very transformational out here.
- [cellphone chiming.]
- Thank you.
Sorry, one sec.
Yeah, take it.
Hey.
You're kidding me.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll see you there.
Hey, moon sister.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Jake finally reached Becca.
She's gonna pick up the baby tomorrow.
- Well, that's good.
Isn't it? - I hope so.
I mean, she's hardly seemed up to the task.
Well, what that is, is not your problem, and hey, it is really shitty that they fired you.
Totally uncalled for.
- Thank you.
- And two, maybe shittier, Mitchell asked me to take over your column.
That is not at all what I thought you were gonna say.
Me neither.
I told him how important your work was.
No, no.
Hey, it's great.
Are you excited? Not if it's gonna cause stuff with us.
It won't.
This is not a zero-sum game.
I mean, it is an interesting opportunity.
Totally and you should totally do it, and there's not gonna be any weird stuff with us, and I know you came to my defense.
You've always been my champion.
- I was, and I am.
- Although, according to you, you don't date, and that's kind of the column.
I mean, I did make out with that DJ, and I am here, ready to expand.
Yes, you are, so let us make a toast to new horizons.
Yeah, there is no wine.
- Are you serious? - What do you mean, there's no wine? - There's no wine, yeah.
- Well, I mean, come on.
[all breathing deeply.]
When a full moon falls on the solstice, it's a powerful chance for renewal in our lives.
Whatever we're ready to let go of, anything new, we are ready for.
This is a perfect chance to call down on our goddess energy.
Okay, so everyone has a symbol of a different element in front of them.
Let's go around and describe how our element contributes to our personhood.
Abby McCarthy, will you start? My element is stone, which comes from the Earth, - which makes me feel grounded.
- Good.
So I am grateful for good Earth stuff, - like vegetables and, uh, mud masks.
- Good.
- Yes, mud masks.
Good, thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
Barbara, your turn.
My element is en fuego.
[laughter.]
It is fire, and as you all know, it is perfect for me because I am both hot and dangerous.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Yeah! - Barbara.
- Jo.
- My element is ice, which would contribute to my personhood by keeping my cocktails nice and cold, if I had one.
I'm sorry.
I like my yoni as much as the next gal, but this is kind of goofy.
My element is water, which represents the tears I cried when I canceled my reservations at Bestia tonight.
Okay, all right, but you're here now, so can you just try to take things seriously, please? Okay, okay.
Okay, everyone, close our eyes.
I want us to take a moment and think about anything in our life that's troubling us right now, conflict, unresolved issues, pain, and I want you to thank them because everything in this life happens for a reason, and every issue presents itself to serve a higher purpose.
[sobbing.]
Abby? - Sorry.
Jesus.
- Are you okay? Abby? I am just not really an "everything happens for a reason" kind of gal.
It's just, all that talk is a little bit insane.
[laughs.]
No offense.
- No.
It's okay.
- By that logic, genocide happens for what? Or when a kid dies of cancer, what is the lesson there, that watching a kid suffering is awful? Wow, bad day, Abbs? Oh, it's just what we want to believe, when the truth is, we are all just blobs of sentient plasma sharing time on a big, cold space rock.
We are born, we age, we outlive our usefulness, and then we die, and there's no little patch of estrogen that is going to save us from the ultimate futility of our existence.
Might want to bust out the wine, Phoebs.
Yeah.
We weren't meant to live that long? - What's wrong with people? - It's ridiculous.
- 50 is the new 30.
- Well, 30 is pushing it.
And after what happened at SheShe, that is rough day.
Not to sound like a drunken record.
- But - Oh, that's funny.
the solstice convergence is an amazing opportunity to create major life shifts.
Do we have to? Do we? Obviously not, no.
Okay, we really appreciate what you're trying to do, - and we really love you for it.
- Yeah.
Just, you know, burning a list of my fears is not gonna get me my job back or reboot my ovaries.
No, no, but there's real power in examining what you want and setting intentions for it.
That's all I'm saying.
Add in just a sprinkle of space juice.
[laughter.]
Okay, I'm gonna go get some cashew cheese.
What? We may need to ease up on the teasing.
Oh, I'm sorry, you guys, but this touchy-feely crap just brings out my inner asshole, and I've been a little wiped out lately with all the sex I've been having with Scott.
- What? - I knew it.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, the boy's had a lot of practice, and now he wants to have a talk, and before you know it, he is gonna want to do it in a bed.
- Whores.
- Mm-hmm.
I just wanted an escape, you know.
I get it, but there's another human involved, you know, and his needs are real too.
Well, I find that inconvenient.
Until you clear up your stuff with Frump, you're not gonna have the bandwidth for Scott.
Just my humble.
[glass shatters.]
Phoebe? Phoebe? - Can I help you? - No.
Nobody needs help.
Apparently you guys have it all figured out.
You're the most giving person I know, and this is lovely.
Then why are you all being such dickholes? That is an image.
Maybe it's just, even amongst your closest friends, hard to be so out, warts and all.
I don't know, especially when the context is how perfect your life is.
I'm just happy.
Right now I'm happy, and I just want you guys to be happy.
I'm trying to help you decide about things instead of letting them just happen to you.
And you know I hate when people say that, right, all that nonsense? Like, everything happens for a reason, 'cause it doesn't.
But then Phoebe said something so simple about being happy, about making decisions instead of letting life just sort of sucker-punch you into the next situation, and then I got so clear, and I swear this isn't my low hormones talking.
Okay.
Becca is not ready to be a mom.
I am.
Christopher should stay with me, and even though we're not married anymore, we have never been better together, and we kick ass at the whole baby thing.
We do, but for, like, nine more years, and then Charlie's out of the house.
We don't have to talk to each other again, ever, if we don't want to.
- What? - I mean, not that, you know, that's gonna happen, but the idea of us raising another kid together, a kid that's not even ours, that literally sounds insane.
Is that your plan? Nine more years and then "see you, wouldn't want to be you"? - No, of course not.
I - Well, it certainly sounds like you're counting the days until you can put me in your rearview mirror.
I very pointedly said no such thing, but do I want to have another kid with you? No.
Okay, what's this now? What is this, Hot Flash City? What's happening? Is it over? Do you need a patch? Do you are you okay? Flash? No.
You're right.
This is about us committing less to each other, not more.
Exactly.
You know how much I care about No, no, no, no, no.
I get it, I get it.
This is what divorce looks like.
- Abby, I just think that - No, this is good.
This is good.
I need to wrap my head around it.
I'm pretty much on my own from here.
Okay, well, that's kind of happening whether we like it or not because they offered me that job.
Shoot's in Vancouver.
- I thought that guy hated you.
- So did I.
Like, apparently that's what they're looking for in a producing director.
- Mouth breathing? - A mouth breather that they hate.
I'm the man for the job.
- Okay, so you're leaving again.
- Yeah.
I am.
If there's another plan, I would love to hear it, but it's a job.
Rise and shine.
Huh.
And I was just getting used to waking up to the dulcet tones of my slurred speech.
You don't look so good.
[groans.]
Morning to you too.
- Thanks.
- Mmhmm.
Where's Zo-Zo? She spent the night at a friend's house, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I found your empties in the trash can outside.
Look, you you can't just quit cold turkey, Jo.
I mean, I Googled it.
You'll get seizures.
You just give me one week.
One week.
I will be 100% clean.
- I can't do that.
- Jo.
I need you to leave.
This is not a negotiation.
Find another place to stay and until you get some sober time under your belt, please don't come back.
[somber music.]
You tell Zoe about this plan, huh, that you're giving up on me? I haven't talked to her about it yet, but I'm not letting you see her again until you're clean.
For real.
- Oh, no, you can't do that.
- Yeah, I can, and if you don't stop, you're gonna die like this, and I cannot stand here and watch you do that, and I refuse to let Zoe watch that.
- Jo.
- I'm serious.
Don't call, don't come around, until you do right by your kid.
We got more presents.
I thought when you eloped, - you had to forgo the free stuff.
- No, not with my friends.
That's not how they roll.
Wow.
It's from Ralf.
This is what I'm talking about.
You put love out.
You get love in.
I just wish my friends weren't so closed off to it, that's all.
You tried.
That's what oh.
It's the painting he bought of you.
Huh.
"To the victor go the spoils.
" Do you think that's roguishly charming or just hostile? Hostile.
What is that? My last alimony payment.
Ever.
I did not think this through when we got married.
You didn't? Oh.
I just thought you were okay without his money.
You're okay, right? Yeah.
[baby whining.]
I am so, so sorry, little man.
Mama kind of freaked out.
I can't thank you guys enough.
You two are gonna be okay, right? We're gonna be great.
My cousin came back with me.
She's gonna move in for a while and help, and then I'm gonna go back to work 'cause it turns out I'm not really stay-at-home material.
More like run-away from-home material.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
This is a little hard.
I'm a little attached.
Of course.
You were with us through all of it, Abby.
I think that's why I was a part of all this, and then I was I felt alone.
- You can always call.
- Always.
I mean, we're, you know, framily.
Friends and family.
Whatever.
I just I'm gonna see you, right? Yes.
Promise.
We love you guys.
Right? - Do you mind if I just? - Yeah, of course.
[soft guitar music.]
Okay.
Without you - Hey.
Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
I am surely The last of my Bye-bye, Auntie Abby.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Wake me tomorrow - Hey.
- Hey.
Grabbing a coffee.
You want one? I can, you know, help myself whenever, so Great.
Get me one and come sit down.
- Sit down? - Yeah.
Jesus, come sit with me.
You want an engraved invitation? Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Go ahead.
- With? - Didn't you have some things to say to me on subjects of mild to actual importance? My goodness.
Is this you making an effort, Josephine? Well, I didn't come here to bang you and take off.
That would be tacky.
I came here to talk to you and then bang you and then take off.
I'll accept that.
Well, I'd say I was surprised but Hello, Albert.
So what brought about this change of heart? So quickly, no less.
I did some thinking, and I realized you're right.
- Am I? - Mm.
Why? Why am I running away to New York, when everything I want is here? This, this is my life now, and the truth is, I think about you.
I think about you all the time, your brilliance, your power, your confidence, and how I can destroy it all.
More than anything, I want to make you suffer.
If you're trying to make me hard, it's working.
Let's see if you feel that way when my lawn decor is your head on a spike.
Someday I'm gonna tell our kids about this conversation.
"That was the moment I knew your mom loved me.
" Except you won't be able to talk because you're head's gonna be on a spike.
Did you not register the spike? Damn, it's good to have you back.
The firm missed you.
[door clicks open.]
Uh-oh.
I thought we might be having a photo album emergency.
It's two photo albums.
- It's a two-photo-album alarm.
- Okay.
Well, I think I'm gonna confiscate these.
Please.
Thank you.
Remember how you used to hold Charlie like a football? Yeah.
Time happens, and it's happening to us.
Okay, look.
This whole "let's adopt Christopher" thing Okay, it just sounded like a good idea at the moment.
I get it, I get it.
All I'm saying is, that during my Vancouver deal it's gonna be good.
I'm gonna be able to fly home a bunch.
You're gonna be able to have more help with the kids if you want, but I really think that it's a good time for you to maybe take a break.
- A break? - Yeah, a break.
Abby, anything good that's happening to me is happening because you supported both of us while I figured my shit out.
When's the last time you didn't have to work? Uh, I don't know.
Okay, then let me take over for a while, financially.
You get to breathe.
You get to figure out what you want to do next, because I don't think what you want to do next is raise someone else's kid with your un-husband.
- Really? - Yes, really.
I owe you.
I mean, I literally owe you, and I'm also supposed to take the kids for a couple of weeks, and now I'm going away.
Just just let me help.
You're the greatest un-husband ever.
Well, you're an amazing un-wife.
So what do you think you're gonna do with yourself? I have no idea.
[quirky music.]
[beeping.]
[beep.]