Hacks (2021) s03e01 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 1
1
[ELECTRIC LIGH
ORCHESTRA'S "EVIL WOMAN"]
You made a fool of me ♪
But them broken
dreams have got to end ♪
♪
Hey, woman, you got the blues ♪
'Cause you ain't got
no one else to use ♪
There's an open road
that leads nowhere ♪
So just make some miles
between here and there ♪
There's a hole in my head
where the rain comes in ♪
You took my body ♪
- Hey.
- Hi.
Ha, ha, woman ♪
- It's a crying shame ♪
- [SCOOTER HONKS]
But you ain't got
nobody else to blame ♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Evil woman ♪
Evil woman ♪
Evil woman ♪
- Evil woman ♪
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Rolled in from another town ♪
- [ALL CHEER]
- Ah, yeah!
Let's go! Yeah!
Oh, good, there you are.
Right this way.
I've got number one. We're traveling.
Wow, you look absolutely incredible.
Aw.
I'm actually a really big fan.
Oh.
You smell really good too.
Here is the stage.
But you better get
your face on board ♪
The very next train ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Evil woman ♪
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
We are so excited to welcome back
Deborah Vance!
- [CROWD MOANS]
- That's it?
Our Deborah Vance slot machines
- Hey, Marty! Marty!
- Are exclusive to the
- Hey! Marty!
- Palmetto and to Caesar's.
Where's Deborah?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, she's a little busy these days.
Hold on and you might ♪
Ooh ♪
Be famous ♪
You've had such a year
since that special came out.
What's next? Nobel Peace Prize?
It's such an ugly medal.
Got to tell you, loved
the Super Bowl commercial.
Oh, wasn't that fun? And I actually do
love Tostitos Scoops.
Did you ever imagine
you were going to be
on the "Time" 100 list?
Yes.
I loved your special.
I loved your vaccine.
Deborah, come to Brazil.
You know, I keep hearing that.
You know, I will.
That's not real crab!
[LAUGHTER]
Yes! [LAUGHTER]
Wait, just so you know,
I fucking hate your sister,
and I want to kill your sister for you.
[LAUGHS]
- You're adorable.
- [LAUGHS]
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
And let 'em decide ♪
But now you're thinking why ♪
Ooh ♪
You're famous ♪
♪
Your way to paradise ♪
[LAUGHING]
Oh, George, thanks for letting
me get up here so last-minute.
I'd bump anybody for you, baby.
- You've got to be kidding.
- You're the best.
Plus you've got the
biggest special in the world.
I'm so proud of you, you have no idea.
Thank you. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Ah, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
This is so intimate.
[LAUGHTER] I
no, really, I haven't
I haven't played
a room this small for a while.
So [LAUGHTER]
Anyway, thanks in
advance for being kind.
I'm working out some new material, so
[LAUGHTER]
It might be a little rough.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you laughing?
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, um, you know, I-I was, uh,
out walking my two corgis
the other day and
[LAUGHTER]
That's not the joke.
[LAUGHTER]
Why [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[STIRRING PIANO MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- You don't see it?
- Mm-mm.
The strawberries are
with the Waterford crystal,
the cacti are with the penguins,
and the corn cobs are
nowhere near each other.
- It's chaos.
- Huh.
She's obviously not sleeping again.
I might have to slip
Ambien in her coq au vin.
Good morning. both: Hey.
You look gorgeous.
Oh. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Your stylist is in the living room.
- Good.
- Actually, while I have you,
we need to go over a few
things with the collection.
Sure.
It's not good.
For the DV baseball caps,
we wanted to feature one with text.
The designer suggested
"fabulous" on acid-wash denim.
Oh, that's so tacky.
Let's do "chic" on the
leopard print hearts.
Perfect. I'll see you at the office.
Hello, hello.
Oh, hi.
So we have some incredible options
for the award presentation.
Everybody sent looks
Celine, Fendi, Dolce
Oh, the other day, somebody told me
Dolce is extremely problematic.
Okay, no Dolce. We love a woke queen.
Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't wear it.
I'm just telling you an
annoying part of my week.
[CHUCKLES] Hilarious.
[GASPS] Ooh.
I love that one.
But also no, you know?
You know, um, these are all lovely, um,
but nothing's really speaking to me.
You know, I just
I think I might have
something better in my closet.
[PATRICK HERNANDEZ'S "BORN TO BE ALIVE"]
♪
We were born to be ♪
Alive ♪
We were born to be ♪
- Alive ♪
- Born ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Yes, we were born ♪
Born ♪
Born ♪
♪
Born to be alive ♪
♪
Mm-hmm.
Holy fuck.
Okay, so I'm thinking floor-length,
so let's go to evening gowns.
Alaia, no.
Ann Demeulemeester,
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Alexander McQueen, no.
Let's see.
Yeah, the A's were good to me.
Let's see, let's see.
No. No.
Eh, predictable. No.
It's good to be alive ♪
To be alive ♪
Hm. [GASPS]
[GASPING SOFTLY]
Yeah.
Okay, here it is.
What do you think?
Okay, honey, this is it.
I'm not so sure now.
- I don't
- Trust your gut.
It's so bright, so bold.
It'll make a splash.
Really?
- Love.
- Obsessed.
- Will you zip me?
- Yeah.
It was actually custom-made for me.
I never got to actually
wear it to the event, though,
'cause Polanski fled.
It's actually j
i-it just won't close.
But you know, did you
drink any seltzer today?
Because I read on this
website one time that
seltzer can make you
bloat, and it definitely
- would be the seltzer.
- It's okay. It's okay.
I just need to lose a
little bit of weight.
I got two weeks. I can
I can make it fit.
How do these walk?
- No words.
- Oh, my God.
- Beautiful.
- You better walk.
Yes. Yes.
Born to be alive ♪
Yay, my Botox settled.
Mine didn't. I'm gonna sue Getty Images.
- Ugh.
- Stop.
I'm disgusting.
Oh, hey, Ava said she had work tonight,
so she might still be working.
- Okay.
- FYI.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY]
Ava?
Ava?
Ava!
Oh. Shit.
Sorry. Sorry.
I was I was ch [LAUGHS]
Chopping the blocks as
they were flying towards me,
and they get louder as
they gather in power.
What's up, you guys?
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hey, why don't you guys head to the back
and and we'll meet you in a second?
- It's it's
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Over that way.
[LAUGHTER] You you
know you could have
told me if you didn't want
to come to the premiere.
No, I swear to God I worked.
I had to read, like, 500
pages of fucking research
on how the coral reefs are collapsing,
and it was so depressing
that I literally had
to escape to an alternate reality.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did I look dorky?
No, not at all.
- Really?
- No.
Really sexy.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
[SCOFFS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Fuck.
Shit. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, you guys. I'm
gonna have to call this in.
You can wait here or you
can walk to the next stop.
I'm so sorry.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I was distracted.
I'm gonna be late for work now.
Fuck you.
I-I'm hearing you.
And also, I want to commend you
for using mass transit.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- You're a piece of shit, okay?
I'm sorry, I-I'm just gonna
go wait in my car.
Don't leave the scene either.
I won't. Sorry.
[WHISTLES]
Oh. Uh, hi, Lewis.
Sorry, I-I'm almost done
with a a new draft.
Sorry it's late. I this morning
Uh, no no worries.
That's not why I'm here.
So the good news. Good news is that
the story on the heat
dome is turning out great.
- Great.
- Bad news is that
Josh is stuck in Arizona.
All flights have been canceled
'cause the tires are
melted to the tarmac.
Again?
Um, so he won't make it to Montreal
for the panel with me this weekend.
Do you think you might want
to take his place, go instead?
Oh, wow.
I mean, yeah, I-I would love to.
- Yeah?
- Thank you.
Great. I'll have Gretchen send you
- the information.
- Yeah.
- It's gonna be fun.
- Okay, thanks.
All right, goodbye. Back to work.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry it's so last-minute.
Oh, my God, it's totally fine.
It's so awesome he asked.
I know, right?
There are so many other writers
they could have asked
who've been there longer.
But he asked you.
Plus I have fight choreo all weekend.
Apparently there's,
like, a whole episode
that's just one epic fight scene
where I realize my powers as
Wolf Girl during the fight.
Oh, my God. Of course
the female protagonist
doesn't know what's going
on with her own body.
Actually, it's like a metaphor
for how society views
female anger as unpalatable.
Oh, that's really good then.
Do you need me to pick up
your car while you're gone?
Oh, thank you, but I
guess it's gonna be a while.
I hope that guy's paying
for it since he hit you.
Yeah, for sure he will.
BMW drivers, such dickheads.
Zoom-zooming around, you know?
Um, hey, do you know where my
collapsible water bottle is?
Oh, yeah, I'll check the dishwasher.
Thank you.
[NELL WIDMER'S "LA FLEMME"]
♪
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
Ugh! Oh, my God!
Could you have driven any slower?
We missed three shows already.
Yeah, well, that was harrowing.
Why would you rent a $300,000 car
in a new city with French road signs?
Because JFL is the comedy industry event
of the year, Jimmy.
Deborah's doing amazing.
I want people to know
we're doing amazing too.
It's all about peacocking, baby.
No, it's not.
Reps come to this festival to
Cheat on their wives.
Sure, but we are here to see
fresh, interesting new voices, okay?
Stop stressing.
Mi trust fund es su trust fund.
Just charge it. [GIGGLES]
Thank you. She has
a huge bag in the back,
and also it's very sensitive.
Be careful on the gas.
Hey, Jimmy, Kayla.
Ugh.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Surprised to see you two here.
You know this is New
Faces, not Old Faces, right?
Ha ha, very funny. Just so you know,
we have a diverse roster
of clients of every age.
Yeah, I saw you just
signed Valerie Bertinelli.
Yeah, we did. Huge get lot of people
wanted Valerie, but we got her, so
And guess what? We only represent
Valerie Bertinelli's
non-cooking appearances,
so you actually fucking don't know
what you're talking about, Dan.
Whatever. We got to go.
Hey, good luck this winter.
A bad flu season could
knock out your whole roster.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, okay?
- Whoa.
Great to see you guys.
Maybe I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
- Silas.
I just drove a Lambo,
by the way, just now.
Congrats. [CHUCKLES]
And he did a good job driving around!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
It's so '80s in here.
Oh, is that true? Is it the birds?
Well, I mean, I don't know. I just
Uh, Logan and Mirya, right?
Ava from the "Ice Age" roundtable.
Oh, hey.
You guys were so fucking funny at that.
Oh, my God, no, you were.
Seriously, we were talking about it.
Oh, that's so nice of you to say.
I was a little nervous because I'm not
super familiar with the universe.
Oh, who cares?
Sorry [CHUCKLES]
Are you wearing, uh, Black Pashmina?
Yeah, um, my boss says I
don't process onions well,
so she gave me a bottle to
wear every time I'm around her,
but it's it's fine.
Yeah, it stinks.
Um, are
are you working for Deborah Vance?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we've been
writing for her for, like, a few months.
Yeah, she's winning
Comedy Special of the Year.
She's here?
Yeah.
Do you know if her manager's here too?
And then I asked myself, you know,
do I even want to date a male model
at this point in my life?
And the answer was, yeah.
- Okay, Kayla
- I do want to.
Who are those Latitude
douchebags talking to?
Oh, um, Clive somebody.
Yeah, that's one of the shows
that we missed on stage four.
Apparently he's the toast of the town.
[LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Okay, we gotta meet that
guy. We are gonna sign him
before Latitude does.
Okay, there we go.
We got a live one. [LAUGHS]
I'll do some recon right after
I hit the little ladies' room.
Do you happen to have a tampon?
Why would I?
[SIGHS] I don't know, Jimmy.
Hey. Deborah's here?
- You're here?
- Yeah.
Lewis asked me to join
a panel last-minute.
Oh, my God, Ava, that's
huge. That's awesome.
And she hired new writers?
You know what, she hired two,
which is actually a
compliment, isn't it?
She had to replace you with two people.
Wow.
Also, you look great.
I like this blazer. Very writer.
I'm not ready to see her.
Ava!
That doesn't matter at all.
- Hey.
- Holy shit.
- That's Winnie Landell.
- Who?
The head of your network.
Introduce me.
Be charming. Come on.
15 people, none of them like her.
- I agree.
- I don't think she's funny.
- Hi.
- Uh, Ava,
this is Winnie Landell.
She gave me my job.
So by proxy, she gave you yours.
What are you?
Uh, mostly Irish, a little Scottish
No, no, no, I mean agent or stand-up
- Oh, no, I'm a writer.
- Of course you are.
Actually, she's my favorite writer.
Keep that on the down-low.
Hi, Lewis. Winnie,
I am Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
I'm Ava's manager and
a huge fan of yours.
Everything you've done at the network
You're Jimmy LuSaque's kid?
- Yes.
- I knew him.
I fucked him once.
After the divorce
mine, not his.
Well, I don't know, maybe his.
We didn't talk much.
What year?
Have you seen the spicy tuna guy?
- Uh, no.
- No.
Was it post -'96?
Uh, so Winnie and I
are headed to dinner.
And then after, we're gonna
go to Seth and Evan's party.
- Do you want to go to that?
- Yes.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, spicy tuna.
Okay. See you there?
- Okay.
- Okay. All right.
Wow. Blunt. You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure
it was after the divorce.
So do you think that was an invitation
for both of us or just you?
I don't know. I'll f I'll find out.
I literally sweat through
my shirt when I heard
about Deborah, so I got to change
if I'm going to this party.
Okay. Text me, all right?
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Oh.
Sorry, can you hold the door?
Sorry. Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
- Wh
wh-whoa.
Wow. Oh, my God.
- Deborah, hi.
- Hi.
I had no idea you were here.
Give me a hug. [CHUCKLES]
Wow.
Wow. Uh
well, it's it's an
honor to be in the presence
of Supreme streetwear royalty.
- Ah.
- Congrats on everything.
It's been really cool to see it all
from afar, obviously.
It's been a good year.
How you doing?
Good. Real good.
Really, uh, really good.
So doing good, yeah.
You look well.
Thanks.
And you look, uh, the same.
- That's the goal.
- [LAUGHS]
So, um, what are you up to
I'm headed to a really cool party.
On my way right now.
It's on a roof top.
Fabulous.
[BELL DINGS]
Oh, shoot, this is me.
Um, it was good to see you.
Have fun.
Okay.
Uh, I look well?
You got nothing on my new haircut?
You're not gonna say I look like
a little page boy or something?
No, I just thought maybe you'd put
a child's wig on backwards.
There we go. Thank you.
Can I start on the blazer now?
Sorry, is that the
Tom Cruise coconut cake?
How the hell did you know that?
It's a famous cake.
Every Christmas he sends one
to his entire contact list.
I've read about it for years.
Kirsten Dunst said it
was one of the best cakes
she's ever had, and she
was in "Marie Antoinette."
Well, I guess Tom just saw
the special and he loved it.
That's cool.
How is it?
Fantastic. I was very funny.
Ha ha. I mean the cake.
Oh, I'm off sugar now.
So
no one's eating the
Tom Cruise coconut cake?
- Would you like to try it?
- Yeah.
For sure. Thank you.
Would love that.
[CLEARS THROAT] I just want to say,
for the record, I'm
not a Tom Cruise guy,
and I actually think leading man culture
is really toxic, but I do want
to see what this tastes like
strictly from an
anthropological standpoint.
Sure.
Wow.
Yup. [LAUGHS]
Yup.
That is fucking good.
You seriously aren't
even gonna have any?
No. I have to fit into a dress that
I have to wear tomorrow
night, so if I even have
a bite of something
sweet, I'll crave it.
Can't even look at a peach.
Very you, all or nothing.
So I met your new writers.
How are they?
They're very good joke writers.
So what are you doing
here at the festival?
Oh, well, uh, I've actually been writing
on that very prestigious
show "On The Contrary."
[GASPS] Oh, that's incredible.
Congratulations.
Have you seen it?
I've seen clips.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Um, it's really good.
Really popular, really award-winning.
So yeah, I'm here to represent
the show on a panel tomorrow,
uh, "Changing The World With Laughter."
Ah.
Yeah.
So I don't know, I'm just bummed
'cause I wish my girlfriend, Ruby,
the hot actress, was here.
She's stuck in LA filming
for this DC show she's in.
It's called "Wolf Girl." She's the lead,
the, uh, titular Wolf Girl, so
it's top secret, though.
Don't tell anybody.
That your girlfriend's a dog?
I think you're the one that
should stop talking about it.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, we just, uh
just moved in together.
- Mm.
- Gorgeous house, you know,
natural light, like, everywhere,
vaulted ceilings.
Sounds lovely.
Good view?
Gorgeous.
Well, that's good.
I'm really happy for you.
Well, I should get going.
Thanks for the cake.
Enjoy Montreal.
Oh, I won't.
It's Paris in the ears
but Hartford on the eyes.
Uh, is that the dress
you're trying to fit into for tomorrow?
Mm-hmm. Isn't it gorgeous?
Um no.
It's literally the most hideous dress
I've ever seen in my entire life.
It's Bill Blass couture.
It's one of a kind.
Well, thank God
there's only one of those.
Okay, you're insane.
I mean, look at this.
I am. That's the problem.
It's gorgeous I-I mean,
the crinoline detailing alone.
Lady, I don't know
what to tell you, okay?
It's fugly ass. It's giving Big Bird.
Oh, my God!
You know nothing about
fashion. You dress like
you're about to have
lunch on a steel girder.
Hey, whatever. You can
wear whatever you want.
Yeah, I know I can, and I will.
You know, it's just sad that
you're so wrong about this.
I mean, everybody loves this dress
Damien, Marcus, my stylist,
all of her assistants.
Everyone on your payroll?
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna prove you wrong.
[LINE TRILLS]
Hi, could you please send up a bellhop?
A gay one.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
You're insane.
We'll see.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
sneaking up the stairs worked.
Crashing a party is
big Lambo energy, Jimmy.
Yeah, well, we are
fucking signing this guy.
There he is. Okay, let's go.
- [SIGHS] Here we go.
- I appreciate you.
Thank you. Thanks.
Hey, there he is, the toast of the fest.
How are you?
I'm Jimmy LuSaque, Jr., manager.
- Hi.
- Kayla Schaffer,
cofounder and assistant to Jimmy.
Oh, nice to meet you guys.
You too. Dude, your show
- Unbelievable.
- So good
I-I can't even talk
about it don't want to.
- And we were there.
- That's very nice.
I-I appreciate that. Thank you.
Look, I'm not gonna
bullshit you with small talk.
I'd love to sign you.
And that's a huge deal.
Wow.
You can go with a
bigger firm if you want,
but we come from a place like that,
and I can tell you firsthand,
they will not treat
you with the same kind
of care and attention that we can.
We are really good at developing
long-term strategy for our clients.
We're very thoughtful
and we want to create
a five-year and a ten-year plan for you.
Okay. Uh
you guys really think I can make it?
Oh, we know it.
Wow. Man, I appreciate that.
I do, 'cause I I
mean, I've been talking
to some of the other
reps, and they've been,
you know, hesitant.
- Well, they're idiots, okay?
- Fucking losers.
- We represent Deborah Vance.
- Total icon.
Between us, she is 70 shh
and doing better than ever, okay?
That's gonna be you
when you're that age.
Man, your optimism
is it's so inspiring.
Uh I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Let's do it.
Well, all right. Hey!
Welcome to la familia.
- All right.
- All right, dude,
we're gonna get
celebratory drinks, okay?
- Whoo!
- Okay, I shouldn't, but
yeah, all right, let's do it.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Get in the bathroom.
- What? Why?
Because I don't want
you influencing him.
Go.
Fine.
- Hi.
- I need the cash up front.
My pants stay on. Where is he?
Oh, my God, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I just had a quick question for you.
- Come on in.
- Oh, amazing.
I was not in the mood.
Okay, this dress,
what do you think?
Wh-why are you asking me?
Did you, like did you work on it?
No, no, I just want to
know honestly what you think.
Honest opinion.
It's weird.
- Okay.
- Is that yeah, I think it's
One might say, like, it's ugly.
It's really ugly. I
would say it's really ugly.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey! Okay.
That was a very leading
line of questioning.
This dress is gorgeous.
It was custom-made for me.
Oh, on y on on you?
You would wear it? Oh,
we I actually think
then that could be fierce, actually.
I mean, that could be a slay even.
You're, like, my my queen.
- You can go.
- Oh, hold on.
I was imagining it on
her, you have to understand.
- Wh
- There you go.
Thank you so much.
She she tricked me.
[CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I don't even think he's gay.
You really shouldn't assume
someone's sexual orientation,
but he absolutely was.
Well, if he's gay with an ass like that,
he's got worse problems
than my assumptions.
- Deborah.
- Well, I mean,
he didn't say he was gay.
Not everyone walks around
announcing their sexual orientation.
Well, that's what I
thought till I met you.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm gonna have another drink.
You want one before you go?
Um sure.
- Just one.
- Okay.
Whoo!
Well, well, well, Latitude boys.
We're just having celebratory drinks
because, um, we just
signed Clive Matthews.
- Oh.
- Gotta burn, huh?
- Ouch.
- I mean, not really.
- We weren't gonna sign him.
- Why not?
His show is, like, the
show of the festival.
Everybody's talking about
it. We got there first.
Did you even see it?
The guy's got three months to live.
Yeah, he's terminal.
It's really sad.
Oh, my God. It wasn't on stage four.
It's called Stage Four.
Wait, what? What does he have?
Ligma.
- Ligma?
- Yeah.
Ligma balls.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
Are you guys are you doing a bit?
Is he really sick?
He is. It sucks.
Beautiful show, though.
No, it-it's true.
He has bofa.
Bofa deez nuts.
Oh, my God. Get the fuck
out of my fucking face!
I'm rooting for him.
Get out of here, Silas, please.
Ugh. Silas is up your ass.
It's sending chills down my spine.
Get over the Silas thing, please.
Okay, we have bigger problems.
And no more signing fresh,
young talent, all right?
Let's just stick with the clients
we have and do right by them.
Should I set that
meeting with Vanna White?
She wants to do a musical.
[SIGHS] Yes.
Hey, Clive, looking good, brother.
Healthy as a dog.
I told him no.
Why not?
Because I didn't want to get herpes!
[LAUGHS]
I mean, a cold sore on top of filler
is a nightmare.
So it seems like you're having fun.
How could I not be?
I'm selling out bigger venues than ever.
Strangers pay for my meals.
My commercial quote is astronomical now.
Oh, good, I was gonna ask
about your commercial quote.
It's astronomical.
You and your scribes
working on, uh, new material?
No, not really.
It-it's weird. I have so much goodwill
from the special that
the audience laughs
at practically anything I say.
And you hate that.
- Well
- Oh, come on.
You hate it. You need a challenge.
That's why you're trying
to crash diet your way
into that hideous dress.
I mean, how many other amazing dresses
could you look incredible in right now?
- Billions.
- Exactly.
You're creating obstacles for yourself.
Eh, maybe.
Oh, while you're here,
while you're here,
for my speech tomorrow night,
did I ever tell you that story
about how I was potty training
DJ and a cat at the same time?
Uh wasn't a competition,
but the cat won.
Um, would this joke be funnier
ending with "shitter" or "toilet"?
I-I don't I don't know.
Which is funnier? Shitter or toilet?
Yeah, I'm I'm not sure.
Well, just think about
it. What's your opinion?
Not really my department.
Well, yeah, it kind of is.
You're a comedy writer.
Yeah, but not for you.
You fired me. I don't
work for you anymore.
Ah. Okay.
As a friend.
A friend?
If I'm your friend, then why
haven't you texted me back
in, like, nine fucking months?
I was I was busy.
Yeah, I've been busy too.
That's not an excuse
to just never respond,
especially to objectively funny memes.
Oh, you mean the yellow guy in the bush?
Oh, my God, it's Homer Simpson!
- Show some respect.
- Look, I apologize
for some unanswered texts,
but that was kind of the whole point,
you going out on your
own and it worked.
I mean, you're changing
the world with laughter.
Okay, but why did you have
to cut me out cold turkey?
To teach me some kind of a lesson?
What are you, Mr. Miyagi,
and I'm the Karate Kid?
Well, it wouldn't kill you
to learn how to wear a belt.
Don't make jokes.
I had to go to couples therapy
'cause my girlfriend was so
sick of me talking about it.
You ignoring me really hurt my feelings.
Some things are better
with a clean break.
Maybe for you.
But did you even think about
how that would make me feel?
Did you think about me at all?
You know, I I didn't
deserve to be cut out like that.
Okay? I'm not your sister.
I'm not Joy Behar.
[SINGSONGY] Someone had too much sugar.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
I do not miss this bullshit.
In fact, why am I even here?
I'm supposed to be at a cool party.
You know what? Congrats on
your fucking award, Deborah.
I'll see ya.
[HUFFS] Jesus Christ.
[DOWNTEMPO JAZZY MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
And also from the Peabody Award-winning
"On The Contrary with Lewis Benton,"
please welcome Ava Daniels.
[APPLAUSE]
It was just this stupid one-line joke.
But at the same time, it did
speak to the massive injustice
in the fintech sector
that did affect change,
and that felt really, really cool.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Well, we're gonna use
our last 15 minutes here
to take some questions
from the audience.
Yes, you in the striped shirt.
Hi. My question is for Ava.
- Oh, no.
- [LAUGHTER]
No, I'm I'm just
kidding. Uh, go ahead.
So you have my dream job.
Uh, not to be a downer, but I feel like
I've been working at
this for a while now,
and I'm just starting to doubt
that I'm gonna get the
jobs that I actually want.
So I guess I'm just wondering
if you have any advice
for someone who feels like
it just might be too hard?
Well, um, I guess I'd say,
you just got to take
a ton of shots on goal.
You know, just keep
trying, keep at it, and
one of those shots is gonna get in.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Okay, the gentleman in
the back with the red shirt.
Actually, sorry.
Wh-what you were saying
about it being hard,
it is really, really hard.
And to be honest, that
doesn't ever change.
You know, y-you got to scratch and claw.
And it doesn't get better.
It just gets harder.
But the scratch in the very
beginning is the fun part.
It's the good part.
And, you know, I hope you
get every job that you want,
but just try to enjoy
where you're at right now,
'cause you'll miss it,
and you can never go back.
Thank you.
[BRANDI CARLILE'S "THE STORY"]
All of these lines across my face ♪
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-
- Tell you the story of who I am ♪
So many stories of where I've been ♪
And how I got to where I am ♪
Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
But these stories
don't mean anything ♪
When you've got no
one to tell them to ♪
It's true ♪
Oh, sorry. I was looking for someone.
Oh, they checked out.
Oh. Thank you.
♪
No, they don't know who I really am ♪
And they don't know
what I've been through ♪
Like you do ♪
And I was made for you ♪
All of these lines across my face ♪
Tell you the story of who I am ♪
So many stories of where I've been ♪
And how I got to where I am ♪
Oh, but these stories
don't mean anything ♪
When you've got no
one to tell them to ♪
It's true ♪
I was made for you ♪
♪
Oh, yeah, well, it's true ♪
That I was made for you ♪
[ELECTRIC LIGH
ORCHESTRA'S "EVIL WOMAN"]
You made a fool of me ♪
But them broken
dreams have got to end ♪
♪
Hey, woman, you got the blues ♪
'Cause you ain't got
no one else to use ♪
There's an open road
that leads nowhere ♪
So just make some miles
between here and there ♪
There's a hole in my head
where the rain comes in ♪
You took my body ♪
- Hey.
- Hi.
Ha, ha, woman ♪
- It's a crying shame ♪
- [SCOOTER HONKS]
But you ain't got
nobody else to blame ♪
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Evil woman ♪
Evil woman ♪
Evil woman ♪
- Evil woman ♪
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Rolled in from another town ♪
- [ALL CHEER]
- Ah, yeah!
Let's go! Yeah!
Oh, good, there you are.
Right this way.
I've got number one. We're traveling.
Wow, you look absolutely incredible.
Aw.
I'm actually a really big fan.
Oh.
You smell really good too.
Here is the stage.
But you better get
your face on board ♪
The very next train ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Evil woman ♪
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
We are so excited to welcome back
Deborah Vance!
- [CROWD MOANS]
- That's it?
Our Deborah Vance slot machines
- Hey, Marty! Marty!
- Are exclusive to the
- Hey! Marty!
- Palmetto and to Caesar's.
Where's Deborah?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, she's a little busy these days.
Hold on and you might ♪
Ooh ♪
Be famous ♪
You've had such a year
since that special came out.
What's next? Nobel Peace Prize?
It's such an ugly medal.
Got to tell you, loved
the Super Bowl commercial.
Oh, wasn't that fun? And I actually do
love Tostitos Scoops.
Did you ever imagine
you were going to be
on the "Time" 100 list?
Yes.
I loved your special.
I loved your vaccine.
Deborah, come to Brazil.
You know, I keep hearing that.
You know, I will.
That's not real crab!
[LAUGHTER]
Yes! [LAUGHTER]
Wait, just so you know,
I fucking hate your sister,
and I want to kill your sister for you.
[LAUGHS]
- You're adorable.
- [LAUGHS]
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
And let 'em decide ♪
But now you're thinking why ♪
Ooh ♪
You're famous ♪
♪
Your way to paradise ♪
[LAUGHING]
Oh, George, thanks for letting
me get up here so last-minute.
I'd bump anybody for you, baby.
- You've got to be kidding.
- You're the best.
Plus you've got the
biggest special in the world.
I'm so proud of you, you have no idea.
Thank you. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Ah, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
This is so intimate.
[LAUGHTER] I
no, really, I haven't
I haven't played
a room this small for a while.
So [LAUGHTER]
Anyway, thanks in
advance for being kind.
I'm working out some new material, so
[LAUGHTER]
It might be a little rough.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you laughing?
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, um, you know, I-I was, uh,
out walking my two corgis
the other day and
[LAUGHTER]
That's not the joke.
[LAUGHTER]
Why [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[STIRRING PIANO MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- You don't see it?
- Mm-mm.
The strawberries are
with the Waterford crystal,
the cacti are with the penguins,
and the corn cobs are
nowhere near each other.
- It's chaos.
- Huh.
She's obviously not sleeping again.
I might have to slip
Ambien in her coq au vin.
Good morning. both: Hey.
You look gorgeous.
Oh. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Your stylist is in the living room.
- Good.
- Actually, while I have you,
we need to go over a few
things with the collection.
Sure.
It's not good.
For the DV baseball caps,
we wanted to feature one with text.
The designer suggested
"fabulous" on acid-wash denim.
Oh, that's so tacky.
Let's do "chic" on the
leopard print hearts.
Perfect. I'll see you at the office.
Hello, hello.
Oh, hi.
So we have some incredible options
for the award presentation.
Everybody sent looks
Celine, Fendi, Dolce
Oh, the other day, somebody told me
Dolce is extremely problematic.
Okay, no Dolce. We love a woke queen.
Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't wear it.
I'm just telling you an
annoying part of my week.
[CHUCKLES] Hilarious.
[GASPS] Ooh.
I love that one.
But also no, you know?
You know, um, these are all lovely, um,
but nothing's really speaking to me.
You know, I just
I think I might have
something better in my closet.
[PATRICK HERNANDEZ'S "BORN TO BE ALIVE"]
♪
We were born to be ♪
Alive ♪
We were born to be ♪
- Alive ♪
- Born ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Yes, we were born ♪
Born ♪
Born ♪
♪
Born to be alive ♪
♪
Mm-hmm.
Holy fuck.
Okay, so I'm thinking floor-length,
so let's go to evening gowns.
Alaia, no.
Ann Demeulemeester,
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Alexander McQueen, no.
Let's see.
Yeah, the A's were good to me.
Let's see, let's see.
No. No.
Eh, predictable. No.
It's good to be alive ♪
To be alive ♪
Hm. [GASPS]
[GASPING SOFTLY]
Yeah.
Okay, here it is.
What do you think?
Okay, honey, this is it.
I'm not so sure now.
- I don't
- Trust your gut.
It's so bright, so bold.
It'll make a splash.
Really?
- Love.
- Obsessed.
- Will you zip me?
- Yeah.
It was actually custom-made for me.
I never got to actually
wear it to the event, though,
'cause Polanski fled.
It's actually j
i-it just won't close.
But you know, did you
drink any seltzer today?
Because I read on this
website one time that
seltzer can make you
bloat, and it definitely
- would be the seltzer.
- It's okay. It's okay.
I just need to lose a
little bit of weight.
I got two weeks. I can
I can make it fit.
How do these walk?
- No words.
- Oh, my God.
- Beautiful.
- You better walk.
Yes. Yes.
Born to be alive ♪
Yay, my Botox settled.
Mine didn't. I'm gonna sue Getty Images.
- Ugh.
- Stop.
I'm disgusting.
Oh, hey, Ava said she had work tonight,
so she might still be working.
- Okay.
- FYI.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY]
Ava?
Ava?
Ava!
Oh. Shit.
Sorry. Sorry.
I was I was ch [LAUGHS]
Chopping the blocks as
they were flying towards me,
and they get louder as
they gather in power.
What's up, you guys?
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hey, why don't you guys head to the back
and and we'll meet you in a second?
- It's it's
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Over that way.
[LAUGHTER] You you
know you could have
told me if you didn't want
to come to the premiere.
No, I swear to God I worked.
I had to read, like, 500
pages of fucking research
on how the coral reefs are collapsing,
and it was so depressing
that I literally had
to escape to an alternate reality.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did I look dorky?
No, not at all.
- Really?
- No.
Really sexy.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
[SCOFFS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Fuck.
Shit. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, you guys. I'm
gonna have to call this in.
You can wait here or you
can walk to the next stop.
I'm so sorry.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I was distracted.
I'm gonna be late for work now.
Fuck you.
I-I'm hearing you.
And also, I want to commend you
for using mass transit.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- You're a piece of shit, okay?
I'm sorry, I-I'm just gonna
go wait in my car.
Don't leave the scene either.
I won't. Sorry.
[WHISTLES]
Oh. Uh, hi, Lewis.
Sorry, I-I'm almost done
with a a new draft.
Sorry it's late. I this morning
Uh, no no worries.
That's not why I'm here.
So the good news. Good news is that
the story on the heat
dome is turning out great.
- Great.
- Bad news is that
Josh is stuck in Arizona.
All flights have been canceled
'cause the tires are
melted to the tarmac.
Again?
Um, so he won't make it to Montreal
for the panel with me this weekend.
Do you think you might want
to take his place, go instead?
Oh, wow.
I mean, yeah, I-I would love to.
- Yeah?
- Thank you.
Great. I'll have Gretchen send you
- the information.
- Yeah.
- It's gonna be fun.
- Okay, thanks.
All right, goodbye. Back to work.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry it's so last-minute.
Oh, my God, it's totally fine.
It's so awesome he asked.
I know, right?
There are so many other writers
they could have asked
who've been there longer.
But he asked you.
Plus I have fight choreo all weekend.
Apparently there's,
like, a whole episode
that's just one epic fight scene
where I realize my powers as
Wolf Girl during the fight.
Oh, my God. Of course
the female protagonist
doesn't know what's going
on with her own body.
Actually, it's like a metaphor
for how society views
female anger as unpalatable.
Oh, that's really good then.
Do you need me to pick up
your car while you're gone?
Oh, thank you, but I
guess it's gonna be a while.
I hope that guy's paying
for it since he hit you.
Yeah, for sure he will.
BMW drivers, such dickheads.
Zoom-zooming around, you know?
Um, hey, do you know where my
collapsible water bottle is?
Oh, yeah, I'll check the dishwasher.
Thank you.
[NELL WIDMER'S "LA FLEMME"]
♪
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
Ugh! Oh, my God!
Could you have driven any slower?
We missed three shows already.
Yeah, well, that was harrowing.
Why would you rent a $300,000 car
in a new city with French road signs?
Because JFL is the comedy industry event
of the year, Jimmy.
Deborah's doing amazing.
I want people to know
we're doing amazing too.
It's all about peacocking, baby.
No, it's not.
Reps come to this festival to
Cheat on their wives.
Sure, but we are here to see
fresh, interesting new voices, okay?
Stop stressing.
Mi trust fund es su trust fund.
Just charge it. [GIGGLES]
Thank you. She has
a huge bag in the back,
and also it's very sensitive.
Be careful on the gas.
Hey, Jimmy, Kayla.
Ugh.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Surprised to see you two here.
You know this is New
Faces, not Old Faces, right?
Ha ha, very funny. Just so you know,
we have a diverse roster
of clients of every age.
Yeah, I saw you just
signed Valerie Bertinelli.
Yeah, we did. Huge get lot of people
wanted Valerie, but we got her, so
And guess what? We only represent
Valerie Bertinelli's
non-cooking appearances,
so you actually fucking don't know
what you're talking about, Dan.
Whatever. We got to go.
Hey, good luck this winter.
A bad flu season could
knock out your whole roster.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, okay?
- Whoa.
Great to see you guys.
Maybe I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
- Silas.
I just drove a Lambo,
by the way, just now.
Congrats. [CHUCKLES]
And he did a good job driving around!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
It's so '80s in here.
Oh, is that true? Is it the birds?
Well, I mean, I don't know. I just
Uh, Logan and Mirya, right?
Ava from the "Ice Age" roundtable.
Oh, hey.
You guys were so fucking funny at that.
Oh, my God, no, you were.
Seriously, we were talking about it.
Oh, that's so nice of you to say.
I was a little nervous because I'm not
super familiar with the universe.
Oh, who cares?
Sorry [CHUCKLES]
Are you wearing, uh, Black Pashmina?
Yeah, um, my boss says I
don't process onions well,
so she gave me a bottle to
wear every time I'm around her,
but it's it's fine.
Yeah, it stinks.
Um, are
are you working for Deborah Vance?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we've been
writing for her for, like, a few months.
Yeah, she's winning
Comedy Special of the Year.
She's here?
Yeah.
Do you know if her manager's here too?
And then I asked myself, you know,
do I even want to date a male model
at this point in my life?
And the answer was, yeah.
- Okay, Kayla
- I do want to.
Who are those Latitude
douchebags talking to?
Oh, um, Clive somebody.
Yeah, that's one of the shows
that we missed on stage four.
Apparently he's the toast of the town.
[LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Okay, we gotta meet that
guy. We are gonna sign him
before Latitude does.
Okay, there we go.
We got a live one. [LAUGHS]
I'll do some recon right after
I hit the little ladies' room.
Do you happen to have a tampon?
Why would I?
[SIGHS] I don't know, Jimmy.
Hey. Deborah's here?
- You're here?
- Yeah.
Lewis asked me to join
a panel last-minute.
Oh, my God, Ava, that's
huge. That's awesome.
And she hired new writers?
You know what, she hired two,
which is actually a
compliment, isn't it?
She had to replace you with two people.
Wow.
Also, you look great.
I like this blazer. Very writer.
I'm not ready to see her.
Ava!
That doesn't matter at all.
- Hey.
- Holy shit.
- That's Winnie Landell.
- Who?
The head of your network.
Introduce me.
Be charming. Come on.
15 people, none of them like her.
- I agree.
- I don't think she's funny.
- Hi.
- Uh, Ava,
this is Winnie Landell.
She gave me my job.
So by proxy, she gave you yours.
What are you?
Uh, mostly Irish, a little Scottish
No, no, no, I mean agent or stand-up
- Oh, no, I'm a writer.
- Of course you are.
Actually, she's my favorite writer.
Keep that on the down-low.
Hi, Lewis. Winnie,
I am Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
I'm Ava's manager and
a huge fan of yours.
Everything you've done at the network
You're Jimmy LuSaque's kid?
- Yes.
- I knew him.
I fucked him once.
After the divorce
mine, not his.
Well, I don't know, maybe his.
We didn't talk much.
What year?
Have you seen the spicy tuna guy?
- Uh, no.
- No.
Was it post -'96?
Uh, so Winnie and I
are headed to dinner.
And then after, we're gonna
go to Seth and Evan's party.
- Do you want to go to that?
- Yes.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, spicy tuna.
Okay. See you there?
- Okay.
- Okay. All right.
Wow. Blunt. You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure
it was after the divorce.
So do you think that was an invitation
for both of us or just you?
I don't know. I'll f I'll find out.
I literally sweat through
my shirt when I heard
about Deborah, so I got to change
if I'm going to this party.
Okay. Text me, all right?
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Oh.
Sorry, can you hold the door?
Sorry. Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
- Wh
wh-whoa.
Wow. Oh, my God.
- Deborah, hi.
- Hi.
I had no idea you were here.
Give me a hug. [CHUCKLES]
Wow.
Wow. Uh
well, it's it's an
honor to be in the presence
of Supreme streetwear royalty.
- Ah.
- Congrats on everything.
It's been really cool to see it all
from afar, obviously.
It's been a good year.
How you doing?
Good. Real good.
Really, uh, really good.
So doing good, yeah.
You look well.
Thanks.
And you look, uh, the same.
- That's the goal.
- [LAUGHS]
So, um, what are you up to
I'm headed to a really cool party.
On my way right now.
It's on a roof top.
Fabulous.
[BELL DINGS]
Oh, shoot, this is me.
Um, it was good to see you.
Have fun.
Okay.
Uh, I look well?
You got nothing on my new haircut?
You're not gonna say I look like
a little page boy or something?
No, I just thought maybe you'd put
a child's wig on backwards.
There we go. Thank you.
Can I start on the blazer now?
Sorry, is that the
Tom Cruise coconut cake?
How the hell did you know that?
It's a famous cake.
Every Christmas he sends one
to his entire contact list.
I've read about it for years.
Kirsten Dunst said it
was one of the best cakes
she's ever had, and she
was in "Marie Antoinette."
Well, I guess Tom just saw
the special and he loved it.
That's cool.
How is it?
Fantastic. I was very funny.
Ha ha. I mean the cake.
Oh, I'm off sugar now.
So
no one's eating the
Tom Cruise coconut cake?
- Would you like to try it?
- Yeah.
For sure. Thank you.
Would love that.
[CLEARS THROAT] I just want to say,
for the record, I'm
not a Tom Cruise guy,
and I actually think leading man culture
is really toxic, but I do want
to see what this tastes like
strictly from an
anthropological standpoint.
Sure.
Wow.
Yup. [LAUGHS]
Yup.
That is fucking good.
You seriously aren't
even gonna have any?
No. I have to fit into a dress that
I have to wear tomorrow
night, so if I even have
a bite of something
sweet, I'll crave it.
Can't even look at a peach.
Very you, all or nothing.
So I met your new writers.
How are they?
They're very good joke writers.
So what are you doing
here at the festival?
Oh, well, uh, I've actually been writing
on that very prestigious
show "On The Contrary."
[GASPS] Oh, that's incredible.
Congratulations.
Have you seen it?
I've seen clips.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Um, it's really good.
Really popular, really award-winning.
So yeah, I'm here to represent
the show on a panel tomorrow,
uh, "Changing The World With Laughter."
Ah.
Yeah.
So I don't know, I'm just bummed
'cause I wish my girlfriend, Ruby,
the hot actress, was here.
She's stuck in LA filming
for this DC show she's in.
It's called "Wolf Girl." She's the lead,
the, uh, titular Wolf Girl, so
it's top secret, though.
Don't tell anybody.
That your girlfriend's a dog?
I think you're the one that
should stop talking about it.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, we just, uh
just moved in together.
- Mm.
- Gorgeous house, you know,
natural light, like, everywhere,
vaulted ceilings.
Sounds lovely.
Good view?
Gorgeous.
Well, that's good.
I'm really happy for you.
Well, I should get going.
Thanks for the cake.
Enjoy Montreal.
Oh, I won't.
It's Paris in the ears
but Hartford on the eyes.
Uh, is that the dress
you're trying to fit into for tomorrow?
Mm-hmm. Isn't it gorgeous?
Um no.
It's literally the most hideous dress
I've ever seen in my entire life.
It's Bill Blass couture.
It's one of a kind.
Well, thank God
there's only one of those.
Okay, you're insane.
I mean, look at this.
I am. That's the problem.
It's gorgeous I-I mean,
the crinoline detailing alone.
Lady, I don't know
what to tell you, okay?
It's fugly ass. It's giving Big Bird.
Oh, my God!
You know nothing about
fashion. You dress like
you're about to have
lunch on a steel girder.
Hey, whatever. You can
wear whatever you want.
Yeah, I know I can, and I will.
You know, it's just sad that
you're so wrong about this.
I mean, everybody loves this dress
Damien, Marcus, my stylist,
all of her assistants.
Everyone on your payroll?
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna prove you wrong.
[LINE TRILLS]
Hi, could you please send up a bellhop?
A gay one.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
You're insane.
We'll see.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
sneaking up the stairs worked.
Crashing a party is
big Lambo energy, Jimmy.
Yeah, well, we are
fucking signing this guy.
There he is. Okay, let's go.
- [SIGHS] Here we go.
- I appreciate you.
Thank you. Thanks.
Hey, there he is, the toast of the fest.
How are you?
I'm Jimmy LuSaque, Jr., manager.
- Hi.
- Kayla Schaffer,
cofounder and assistant to Jimmy.
Oh, nice to meet you guys.
You too. Dude, your show
- Unbelievable.
- So good
I-I can't even talk
about it don't want to.
- And we were there.
- That's very nice.
I-I appreciate that. Thank you.
Look, I'm not gonna
bullshit you with small talk.
I'd love to sign you.
And that's a huge deal.
Wow.
You can go with a
bigger firm if you want,
but we come from a place like that,
and I can tell you firsthand,
they will not treat
you with the same kind
of care and attention that we can.
We are really good at developing
long-term strategy for our clients.
We're very thoughtful
and we want to create
a five-year and a ten-year plan for you.
Okay. Uh
you guys really think I can make it?
Oh, we know it.
Wow. Man, I appreciate that.
I do, 'cause I I
mean, I've been talking
to some of the other
reps, and they've been,
you know, hesitant.
- Well, they're idiots, okay?
- Fucking losers.
- We represent Deborah Vance.
- Total icon.
Between us, she is 70 shh
and doing better than ever, okay?
That's gonna be you
when you're that age.
Man, your optimism
is it's so inspiring.
Uh I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Let's do it.
Well, all right. Hey!
Welcome to la familia.
- All right.
- All right, dude,
we're gonna get
celebratory drinks, okay?
- Whoo!
- Okay, I shouldn't, but
yeah, all right, let's do it.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Get in the bathroom.
- What? Why?
Because I don't want
you influencing him.
Go.
Fine.
- Hi.
- I need the cash up front.
My pants stay on. Where is he?
Oh, my God, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I just had a quick question for you.
- Come on in.
- Oh, amazing.
I was not in the mood.
Okay, this dress,
what do you think?
Wh-why are you asking me?
Did you, like did you work on it?
No, no, I just want to
know honestly what you think.
Honest opinion.
It's weird.
- Okay.
- Is that yeah, I think it's
One might say, like, it's ugly.
It's really ugly. I
would say it's really ugly.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey! Okay.
That was a very leading
line of questioning.
This dress is gorgeous.
It was custom-made for me.
Oh, on y on on you?
You would wear it? Oh,
we I actually think
then that could be fierce, actually.
I mean, that could be a slay even.
You're, like, my my queen.
- You can go.
- Oh, hold on.
I was imagining it on
her, you have to understand.
- Wh
- There you go.
Thank you so much.
She she tricked me.
[CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I don't even think he's gay.
You really shouldn't assume
someone's sexual orientation,
but he absolutely was.
Well, if he's gay with an ass like that,
he's got worse problems
than my assumptions.
- Deborah.
- Well, I mean,
he didn't say he was gay.
Not everyone walks around
announcing their sexual orientation.
Well, that's what I
thought till I met you.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm gonna have another drink.
You want one before you go?
Um sure.
- Just one.
- Okay.
Whoo!
Well, well, well, Latitude boys.
We're just having celebratory drinks
because, um, we just
signed Clive Matthews.
- Oh.
- Gotta burn, huh?
- Ouch.
- I mean, not really.
- We weren't gonna sign him.
- Why not?
His show is, like, the
show of the festival.
Everybody's talking about
it. We got there first.
Did you even see it?
The guy's got three months to live.
Yeah, he's terminal.
It's really sad.
Oh, my God. It wasn't on stage four.
It's called Stage Four.
Wait, what? What does he have?
Ligma.
- Ligma?
- Yeah.
Ligma balls.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
Are you guys are you doing a bit?
Is he really sick?
He is. It sucks.
Beautiful show, though.
No, it-it's true.
He has bofa.
Bofa deez nuts.
Oh, my God. Get the fuck
out of my fucking face!
I'm rooting for him.
Get out of here, Silas, please.
Ugh. Silas is up your ass.
It's sending chills down my spine.
Get over the Silas thing, please.
Okay, we have bigger problems.
And no more signing fresh,
young talent, all right?
Let's just stick with the clients
we have and do right by them.
Should I set that
meeting with Vanna White?
She wants to do a musical.
[SIGHS] Yes.
Hey, Clive, looking good, brother.
Healthy as a dog.
I told him no.
Why not?
Because I didn't want to get herpes!
[LAUGHS]
I mean, a cold sore on top of filler
is a nightmare.
So it seems like you're having fun.
How could I not be?
I'm selling out bigger venues than ever.
Strangers pay for my meals.
My commercial quote is astronomical now.
Oh, good, I was gonna ask
about your commercial quote.
It's astronomical.
You and your scribes
working on, uh, new material?
No, not really.
It-it's weird. I have so much goodwill
from the special that
the audience laughs
at practically anything I say.
And you hate that.
- Well
- Oh, come on.
You hate it. You need a challenge.
That's why you're trying
to crash diet your way
into that hideous dress.
I mean, how many other amazing dresses
could you look incredible in right now?
- Billions.
- Exactly.
You're creating obstacles for yourself.
Eh, maybe.
Oh, while you're here,
while you're here,
for my speech tomorrow night,
did I ever tell you that story
about how I was potty training
DJ and a cat at the same time?
Uh wasn't a competition,
but the cat won.
Um, would this joke be funnier
ending with "shitter" or "toilet"?
I-I don't I don't know.
Which is funnier? Shitter or toilet?
Yeah, I'm I'm not sure.
Well, just think about
it. What's your opinion?
Not really my department.
Well, yeah, it kind of is.
You're a comedy writer.
Yeah, but not for you.
You fired me. I don't
work for you anymore.
Ah. Okay.
As a friend.
A friend?
If I'm your friend, then why
haven't you texted me back
in, like, nine fucking months?
I was I was busy.
Yeah, I've been busy too.
That's not an excuse
to just never respond,
especially to objectively funny memes.
Oh, you mean the yellow guy in the bush?
Oh, my God, it's Homer Simpson!
- Show some respect.
- Look, I apologize
for some unanswered texts,
but that was kind of the whole point,
you going out on your
own and it worked.
I mean, you're changing
the world with laughter.
Okay, but why did you have
to cut me out cold turkey?
To teach me some kind of a lesson?
What are you, Mr. Miyagi,
and I'm the Karate Kid?
Well, it wouldn't kill you
to learn how to wear a belt.
Don't make jokes.
I had to go to couples therapy
'cause my girlfriend was so
sick of me talking about it.
You ignoring me really hurt my feelings.
Some things are better
with a clean break.
Maybe for you.
But did you even think about
how that would make me feel?
Did you think about me at all?
You know, I I didn't
deserve to be cut out like that.
Okay? I'm not your sister.
I'm not Joy Behar.
[SINGSONGY] Someone had too much sugar.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
I do not miss this bullshit.
In fact, why am I even here?
I'm supposed to be at a cool party.
You know what? Congrats on
your fucking award, Deborah.
I'll see ya.
[HUFFS] Jesus Christ.
[DOWNTEMPO JAZZY MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
And also from the Peabody Award-winning
"On The Contrary with Lewis Benton,"
please welcome Ava Daniels.
[APPLAUSE]
It was just this stupid one-line joke.
But at the same time, it did
speak to the massive injustice
in the fintech sector
that did affect change,
and that felt really, really cool.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Well, we're gonna use
our last 15 minutes here
to take some questions
from the audience.
Yes, you in the striped shirt.
Hi. My question is for Ava.
- Oh, no.
- [LAUGHTER]
No, I'm I'm just
kidding. Uh, go ahead.
So you have my dream job.
Uh, not to be a downer, but I feel like
I've been working at
this for a while now,
and I'm just starting to doubt
that I'm gonna get the
jobs that I actually want.
So I guess I'm just wondering
if you have any advice
for someone who feels like
it just might be too hard?
Well, um, I guess I'd say,
you just got to take
a ton of shots on goal.
You know, just keep
trying, keep at it, and
one of those shots is gonna get in.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Okay, the gentleman in
the back with the red shirt.
Actually, sorry.
Wh-what you were saying
about it being hard,
it is really, really hard.
And to be honest, that
doesn't ever change.
You know, y-you got to scratch and claw.
And it doesn't get better.
It just gets harder.
But the scratch in the very
beginning is the fun part.
It's the good part.
And, you know, I hope you
get every job that you want,
but just try to enjoy
where you're at right now,
'cause you'll miss it,
and you can never go back.
Thank you.
[BRANDI CARLILE'S "THE STORY"]
All of these lines across my face ♪
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-
- Tell you the story of who I am ♪
So many stories of where I've been ♪
And how I got to where I am ♪
Deborah Vance.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
But these stories
don't mean anything ♪
When you've got no
one to tell them to ♪
It's true ♪
Oh, sorry. I was looking for someone.
Oh, they checked out.
Oh. Thank you.
♪
No, they don't know who I really am ♪
And they don't know
what I've been through ♪
Like you do ♪
And I was made for you ♪
All of these lines across my face ♪
Tell you the story of who I am ♪
So many stories of where I've been ♪
And how I got to where I am ♪
Oh, but these stories
don't mean anything ♪
When you've got no
one to tell them to ♪
It's true ♪
I was made for you ♪
♪
Oh, yeah, well, it's true ♪
That I was made for you ♪