Happy Endings s03e01 Episode Script

Penny, I know we've only known each other a little while, and I know this is crazy.
But - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Will you take this leap with me? Of course I will.
This is gonna be a perfect marriage of adrenaline and danger.
Now let's BASE jump.
Shall we? Okay! Ooh, pretty.
- Okay.
- All right.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Yeah? One Two Three! And I'm gonna take the stairs! Oh, God, Penny.
What is the matter with you? You are so pathetic.
It's like, what are you so scared of? Take a risk for once in your-- Whoa! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ohh! - Ow! Ow! - Oh! Oh, my God! - Oh, no, oh, no.
- What a schlemiel! I never get tired of watching this! - How did she manage to fall around the landings? - Oh, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, you know that I love a Penny pile-on - as much as the next slut, but - Oh, damn right.
That was a massive fall, and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out of there unscathed.
- Agreed.
- Amen.
Thank God.
Uh, friendos? I did not make it out unscathed.
I'm extremely scathed.
I know.
- Classic Penny! - It was the word! It was the word! I'm sorry, but it's funny.
Serious, though, Dave and I have some big, potentially earth-shattering news.
- Now we don't wanna freak anybody out.
- No.
But Alex and Dave - are casually seeing each other.
- Oh, we knew that.
- Gross.
- And it's the least interesting pairing since chicken piscati and Pinot gris.
- What? - Sorry.
I've been watching a lot of Frasier.
I know you're all terrified right now, and clearly, that is why you're lashing out at us, but don't worry.
We're not gonna let this thing get too serious, because Alex and Dave, much like Dave's new haircut, are keeping it cazsh.
Oy vey.
Trust us, the last thing we want - is for things to get complicated like in "it's complicated.
" - Oh.
- So we're just gonna go with it, like in "just go with it" - So cute.
And be friends with benefits like in "no strings attached.
" Guys, could the focus please be back on me, okay? And could someone put this chip in my chip hole? I'm so hungry.
No, Max, don't do it.
Wait.
Are you still falling? Okay, laugh it up.
It's like a slinky with breasts.
You guys, not cool.
I died for two minutes in the ambulance.
What? Wow.
Babe, I am loving you in that robe.
You look so happy and so relaxed.
Thanks, byabe.
You were right.
Getting laid off has been really good for me.
I mean, it was a little weird at first, because I've basically had a job since I was in, like, seventh grade.
Well, now you can finally take a break, and you can start working on those hobbies - that you've been putting off forever.
- Right? - Like your dance-cooking - Mm! - And your candle making - Mm-hmm! And I know you didn't forget about this guy.
Sinbrad! What's up, my dude?! Oh, no, you didn't! Get him! Get him, get him, get him.
Yo' mama so fat, she died.
Sorry, I - that was just sad more than anything.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I need to practice.
- It's pretty sad.
- It's a little rusty.
- Yeah, but you know what the best part of all of this is? - Hmm? - Is that we've been able to hang out so much more.
I mean, I have been coming so hard home from work just 'cause I'm excited to have dinner with you.
I mean, when you were working, we hardly spent any time together, and I know this is crazy, but I was scared that eventually we were gonna turn into one of those couples that just slowly drifts away from each other.
Babe, that will never be us, okay? Now you go to work and make that money for papa.
Yeah.
- All right? Mmm.
- Mmm.
I'll just be here chillin' all day.
- Mm! - Thinking about you.
- Mmm! - Thinking about me.
- Mm? - Think about you, naked.
Ooh! Let me get some of this.
- No.
- Oh! Spank it.
Have fun! Bye, baby.
All right, now.
Huh! Yeah.
Gimme this.
Ahh.
Man, I love the workplace-- fluorescent lights, stale coffee, and the sweet sound of men quoting classic comedies.
Yo, Williams! - You my boy, blue! - Yeah.
So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Okay.
Vince Vaughn! Eh, not great! - Ahh.
- Daddy's home.
Huh! So I was thinking about it, and I think you and Dave casually dating is actually a great idea.
Yo, yo! Here's your drink friend.
Bro.
Bro V.
Wade.
Bromaine lettuce.
So what's the damage on my bevvy? We go Dutch.
It's more cazsh.
Actually, the drinks were free.
That bartendress over there was flirting with me, but I did not flirt back.
I swear, dawg.
Oh.
Well Uh, you know what? It's totally cool, because flirting is in bounds, bro Lin.
Comma James, husband of Streisand, comma Barbra! Okay.
Okay brovine growth hormone.
They used to keep it in cazsh.
Well I'm out.
You two have fun talking like two of Scott Caan's groomsmen.
Yeah.
So what do you wanna do now? Mm, I don't know.
What do two pals do on a Tuesday afternoon? Ohh! Most casual sex ever! Totally.
Okay, I'm coming.
Mm.
All right.
Ooh! We have your hot but not too hot tea, your cool but not too cool pillow.
Oh! And a crustless sando for baby.
Aw, you're so sweet for taking care of me, Max.
Ooh, I hate to be this girl, but I do see some residual crust on that sandwich.
And I thought that I'd made myself pretty crystal clear when I told you I wanted zero crust whatsoever 'cause it hurts my teeth.
Did you not feel I was clear? - No, I felt you were very clear.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna remove the crust.
Thank you.
And here we go.
Okay.
Oh, there's no crust on this sandwich.
But all your chitchatting has left my tea cold.
Okay.
Do you know what, Pen? I have been busting my humps being your male nurse, because I genuinely love these gift baskets.
And to a lesser extent, you, you know, 'cause we're best friends and we love each other and all that barf, but you are the worst patient ever.
So if you will excuse me, I'm taking this gift basket and this gift basket with the salami, - and you are coming with me.
- This is rich! And I will say to you - Good day, sir! - Good day to you, madame! Oh, get out of here, monsignor! I will see you later, guv'nor! Hey, you.
I'm Kent.
Uh, Penny's new physical therapist? Oh, yeah.
Hey, you brought her some gift baskets.
What a good friend.
Well two things you should know about me, Kent-- I'm selfless and have moves like Jagger, specifically the ones he allegedly used on David Bowie in the '70s.
Huh.
Whoa! Al, what is with this outfit? You look like the Olsen twins' burnout brother, Larry Kate Olsen.
Come on.
His middle name is also Kate? You're obviously dressed like this because you slept at Dave's, and you like wearing his clothes, which is the opposite of casual.
You, sister are in a serious relationship.
What? No, his shirts are just comfy, okay? We're totally cazsh.
We slept head-to-toe.
It doesn't count.
It counts.
I'll tell you what doesn't count.
The Miami Heat's most recent NBA championship.
It was an injury-plagued, strike-shortened season.
Therefore, Lebron still needs six rings - to even get in the conversation with Jordan.
- Are you done? No.
Also, Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from The Wire.
Whatever, Jane, okay? - Dave and Alex are not serious, okay? - Mm.
In fact would someone in a serious relationship ask this smokin' hot bartendress for her number so that her and Dave could go out on a date? I don't know what you're-- That makes no sense.
Well, watch me.
Yo, yo, yo, Karissa.
Yo.
What's up? You remember my boy Dave you were making suck-eyes at? Well, he's sweatin' you, so if you give me your digits, he'll hit you up.
Great.
Yep.
Yep.
Careful of my hammy.
Oh.
I should get this for Penny.
If that's the doctor, will you ask if I can still get out of this cast tomorrow? Yeah.
Hey, doc.
Tomorrow Ooh, careful.
Nah, you know what? Penny's actually in Bolivia.
Turns out a body cast is perfect for narcotraficante.
I'll hit you up if she makes it out of the game.
Peace.
Pen, I got some bummer news.
Doc says you're gonna have to be in that cast for at least another week.
Another week? But this thing sooks.
Yeah, it's about to get a lot sookier.
Doc prescribed double the amount of physical therapy.
- No, no, no, no.
- And, Kent? Doc also prescribes that you're gonna have to start showing up here in bike shorts and a Jim McMahon Jersey from now on.
Doc's orders.
Sounds like an odd request, but I'm in.
Ahh! - Ahh! - Careful.
Go long, go long.
Aah! Max! Yeah, I've just been, uh, making candles all day.
Also worked with Sinbrad for a while, getting pretty bad at it, which is how Sinbrad says "good" because he's got a '90s sensibility.
You are so hot when you're hobbying.
I could just eat you up.
How about instead, you eat my beef bourguignon I've been braisin' all day? - Mmm! - See you at dinnie, babe.
Mwah.
Dinner is served.
- This looks delicious.
- Doesn't it? And these candles-- beautiful.
You've got so much done today, my little stay-at-home husband.
Mmm.
My cute little Mr.
Wife.
My wifey.
My girl.
My little girl.
My bitch.
You bitch.
- Who's my tiny, miniature bitch? - Oh, all right.
You know, I felt it after the second "bitch.
" Ugh.
You guys are in such a serious relationship.
Yeah, we're married.
Sucks for you! Really, Alex? Sucks for us? Why don't you tell us how keeping it cazsh is going, huh? You're here, uninvited.
What's Dave up to? Well, Jane, if you must know, Dave is currently getting his goatee highlighted in anticipation of his date tomorrow with that hot bartendra, Karissa.
Say what?! - What? - Oh.
- Huh? - So what are you trying to accomplish with all this dating other people stuff, hmm? It's simple.
Dave will go out with a hot-ass ho.
They'll have some sex.
They'll fall in love.
Excuse me.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
That girl so wack, her first name should be Nick Nack Patty.
Ohh, snap! Yello, you got Penny.
Hey, doc.
What? No, who told you I was in Bolivia? Pennis Best friend comin' in hot with a refill.
Okay, I'm gonna call you back.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye! Hey, Max.
That was my travel agent.
Just thinking about taking kind of a post-cast trip for when I'm ready to get back out there, but I don't know where to go.
Where should I go? You-- you have any ideas of good countries that are say, I don't know, in South America? No.
Why are you using a travel agent? The only travel agent you need is a time travel agent, take you back to a time when people still used travel agents.
Yes.
Max, keep it cool, but you're jazzed.
Bolivia.
What do you know about Bovivia? Mm, I heard it's beautiful.
In fact, Lonely Planet calls it "the house that Raul Julia built," and I'm caught.
I can't believe you've been holding me hostage in my own body cast! You're "Misery"-ing me! I'm sorry that I'm "Misery"-ing you.
It's just, I'm so hard crushing on Kent right now.
Oh, well, your precious Kent is in for a crude awakening when I tell him what a horrible person you are.
You're right.
I done you dirty.
I done done you dirty, girl, and I am sorry.
What do you say you get back into bed? Grab another sip on the old tea.
We'll call the doctor.
And maybe we get this thing taken off in the morning, okay? Okay.
But I have to say, I am really tired.
Tired.
I'm so tired of this-- tie-tie-- oh.
You sleepy-tead me.
Mmmm-hm.
Sleepington's, nature's lullaby.
I guess now Kent will have to do all those stretches that he was supposed to do on you on me.
But even four bags shouldn't make me this tired.
Mm.
Lunesta.
Nature's Ambien.
You are a monster.
Ooh! There's Kent.
Fluff out the chesties.
What? So basically, Alex and I are like Tango and cazsh or Franklin & cazsh or Rizzoli & Isles in cazsh.
Now I know that last one isn't that good but she said it once, and we both thought it was really cute, so we both kept saying it.
- Oh, cool.
That sounds hilarious.
- Yeah.
And you guys are really okay with each other dating other people? - It's totally cool.
- Dave! Dave you guys go here? Al.
Who's this enormous? I'm Julian.
And? I've been in Playgirl.
Hey, boobs.
No, just workin'.
On my hobbies.
Cute.
Why don't you take a breather and meet me for drink? Ah babe, you know I'd love to, but I just, um, uh.
stepped into a bubble bath Ahh.
Oh, that is a much better idea.
I am gonna come so hard home right now and hop in that tub with you.
Uhh! We could play Loch Ness monster.
Okay! Stall her! Aah! Hurry up! Who's ready for a Nessie sighting? Hey! It's about time, byabe.
I've been in this tub so long, I'm starting to look like a California raisin.
Ooh.
Just let me slip into something a little more naked.
Mmm.
Oh! Uhh! - Oh, my God.
Are you-- - Darn you.
Why are you in a suit? Um well Funny-- funny story.
Um, so you know I said I haven't been working - for the last three weeks? - Mm-hmm.
Well I've been working for the last three weeks.
Surprise! No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Let me get this straight.
Hmm? You've been lying to me for three weeks? Yeah, well, when you put it like that, yeah.
Look, baby, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I love you? No.
I want it! Oh, yeah! Mm-hmm! You feel that in the glute? - Yeah.
- It's real tight.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ahh.
The music's pretty good, huh? - Yeah.
It's my one-man experimental band called Yoko Uno.
Oh.
Nice.
Mm! Kent? Kent! Help me.
Kent! Max is "Misery"-ing me! He's like Kathy Bates, only way fatter! Aah! Ohh! You hear that? Could be anything except for Penny, because she is confirmed asleep.
Let's just crank up the Uno.
Please.
So this is nice.
Mm-hmm.
Karissa, uh, Dave tells me that you're from Florida.
Yeah.
Miami.
Go, Heat! Ahh.
Uh-oh.
Wait, wait.
Wait.
This is obviously not working.
Seems like it's working just fine to me, - but don't overthink it.
- No, no.
Not that.
I mean this whole keeping-it-cazsh thing.
Honestly, I don't wanna see anybody else.
Neither do I.
I mean, when I saw you with Karissa today, it took everything in my tiny body not to slap the crunchy curl out of her hair and send her back to whatever monster truck backseat she was born in.
What makes you think she was born in a monster truck? She said she was from Florida.
You know, Wendy Williams said something on her show yesterday that really resonated with me.
She said, "Girl you cannot move backwards in a relationship.
" So what do we do, girl? I guess we move forward.
Come here.
Be sure to show Penny those stretches.
Yeah, definitely.
Hey, I don't know if this would be weird, but maybe you wanna go get a drink sometime? Yeah, I'd like that.
Call me, and, uh, and tell Penny I say hey.
- Yeah.
- Tell her yourself! Penny? Max is a complete phony.
He has been "Misery"-ing me.
He lied about my doctor's appointment, then he drugged me to be alone with you.
Then I escaped.
Then I got caught in this gate, peed on, and grafitti'd by a bunch of kids, although on the plus side, I seriously think this might be a banksy.
Max, is this true? Yes, but, Kent, I-I did it for us.
When we're together and we're looking into each other's faces-- You know what? Forget it.
I'm a skeeze.
Get the hell outta here.
W-- You wanna get a calzone? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please, Pen, I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm boy-crazy right now.
You know what that's like.
You would've done the same thing to me.
What?! I would never-- Oh.
I actually did do the same thing to you.
Tell him yourself! Wow.
We really are perfect for each other.
You sure you're gay? You tell me.
Right now I'm writing a Hot In Cleveland spec script, and I just had sex with Kent in your powder room, so All the best ones are gay.
Or dating your friend.
Zip it.
I thought we were never gonna talk about my whole Dave thing.
I don't even feel that way about him anymore.
Although if Alex were to, say, move away or become dead and asked me to marry him in her absence, I would certainly consider it for her sake and for Dave's sake, but-- I was talking about this hot guy Gregg that I met who's now dating my friend Tim.
Oh.
Me, too.
Sure, you are.
Come here.
Bring it in.
Can't do anything but bring it in.
I'm here.
Brad, shouldn't you be getting ready for work? Or do you have your suit on under your robe? Huh? Jane, I am really sorry that I lied.
Whatever.
I don't wanna hear another word from you.
What about from me, baby girl? Ahem.
Come on, skinny stack.
Brad's sorry.
Hear the man out.
- Oh, you have gotten really good at that.
- I know.
Babe, you were right about me needing some time off, so I quit that job.
- Really? - Yeah.
Look, job or no job, I just-- I want you to do what's gonna make you happy.
I know.
But listen, spending all this time working with Sinbrad has made me realize something.
He's more than just a dummy.
Oh.
He's the perfect metaphor for my life.
You see, Sinbrad is me, and my job is my hand.
Wait.
Not your best.
But I am done letting work control me, okay? And we'll never drift apart.
My byabe.
Boo bear.
Mmm.
Ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.
Mmm! Mmm! Ohh.
Brad, you can leave.
We all see that having a secret job didn't work out for me Oh! Jane was mad and Brad fell out of the bath I did.
Meanwhile Max, huh drugged his good friend Penny in a half-body cast while Max gave Kent a blast ebony and ebony Dave and Alex are dating casually Hold up.
Where are those two honkeys? Hey, guys.
We're moving in together! - Terrible idea.
- That's terrible.
That's a terrible idea.
- Oh, snap! - What?