Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s03e01 Episode Script
Booty Noir
1 ''Have you ever had a dream that's so real ''that you don't know if you're dreaming or not? ''But then you wake up ''and damn, if you're not already in love?'' ''Well, that happened to me, the day l found her ''or should l say, the day we found each other.
'' Yes, Mother, yes.
The colonic solution worked splendidly.
Yes.
Little peanut poo.
- No! Who do l look like, an ATM? - Baby, don't be that way.
Oh, this is getting old, honey, real old.
l'll call you later, Mother.
Focus, Myron.
Focus.
Fire! l can't.
l can't? l can't! lt's just too perfect.
For the first time in my life, l can't shrink something.
Dat booty just too fine.
What? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law You wanted to see me? l can come back.
Birdman, l've got a new case for you.
Tough one, too.
Wally--huh--Gator.
Harvey Birdman.
Nice to meet you.
Not him, Birdman, he's a crocodile.
Looks like a nice enough ''guh-ator.
'' Keep flipping.
Oh.
Operating a speedboat in protected waters operating a speedboat while firing a weapon operating a speedboat while operating a 1 2-pack.
So, he's pretty much being charged for-- Being a redneck.
Yep.
Raise your right hand.
What just happened? You're a bounty hunter, silly.
A bounty hunter? One last thing: there's a reward.
Dead or alive, just bring him back in in 4 pieces or less.
Watch out for the tail.
Look out! l can do something about that.
Pardon me? The butteringbettering of the buttock or rather buttocks.
Plural.
Look, you're a small man but that doesn't mean l won't kick your little green behind.
Move on, pervert.
l've got a device-- a body reshaper.
A devicefor the booty? Well, actually, it was invented for other more dastardly-- Yes, for the booty! - ls it safe? - lt's patented in Sweden.
- How much does it cost? - Free! l mean, it's free.
Well, all right.
When can l schedule an appointment? l have an opening right now.
Turn around.
You're gonna do it right here? lt's outpatient--Back off! Lord, help me.
That didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, speak for yourself.
Tell me, would you care to have a light supper? - Harvey Bird-- - Get down! l'm here to escort Mr.
Gator back.
l'm his attorney.
My papers are right in my suit underneath the-- Wally, we got your attorney/bounty hunter out here.
Mr.
Gator, l am your attorney, and l would love to come inside-- For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilized manner-- litigator toalligator.
Now, come on out, Wally.
l will, but l want tickets for the Aspen Minitruck 500 next month.
And l want to be on the field.
l'll see what l can do.
OK.
l'm coming out.
Y'all gonna tackle me? A little bit.
Oh, sh! Look out! And l'll tell you one thing: no more.
Mm-hmm.
l've had enough of that man.
And all men like him.
Go on.
Well, good thing l got a new man who's nothing like him.
When l saw The moon in your eyes, dear When l stared At your sculpted, yet fine lt'd really look much better if l took that tape off.
Can l trust you? Court will come to order.
Mr.
Bumnuts, proceed.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Today, seated before you, is a simple creature.
These creatures haven't changed; the world has.
They drink beer; they watch NASCAR they fish for bass.
But, rather than letting them go on with their lives in peace society encroaches upon them threatening their very existence.
Yes, they're rednecks and as such, should be pitied and marginalized but, Your Honor, not prosecuted.
l would like to call Wallace Lee Gator to the stand.
Mr.
Gator tell the court, in your own words, what you do each day.
Well, l fish and hunt, and l watch NASCAR.
Yep.
Things have been harder lately? Oh, sure have.
All these chain stores sprung up all over the place.
And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfishing in the swamp? Manatees.
Don't see why there's laws protecting them! Ain't nothing but floating meatsacks.
Federal government has no business telling me how l should live my life! Preach.
''God, she's hot.
'' lsn't that how the story goes? Hotness.
lntenseness.
Sexity.
Together, we're a quasar burning at both ends--in both ends.
Together, we explode.
Sexity.
l'm not quite sure what you're expecting but l have to be honest.
This is my first time.
You're right, baby, it is.
Because until you've been with Norlisa you've never done it right.
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
My glasses! What have you done with my glasses? Don't touch me! All right, touch me.
Mr.
Gator, l like your shirt.
Thank you.
Tell me, where did you get it? Foot Locker.
l see.
So you visit the shops around your home.
- Well, uh - lsn't it true that you enjoy the benefits of the modern world? - Well, they-- - The world you criticize for encroaching on your traditional lifestyle? l thought a gator only ate what he killed.
Not when it's 2.
99 a pound at the Costco! What? What was that? l can't.
What's that, baby? l'm living a lie.
All the things that l once believed, lies! Can't you see it? l'm a phony, a pretender.
That's not what l see.
l see a man who knows what he wants but isn't afraid to give his woman what she needs.
A proud, green man, and he's mine.
Norlisa! Who's that? - Who--who's what? - Norlisa! That! lt's your ex-boyfriend.
How did he know you were here? l honestly don't know.
Norlisa! Now l see.
l'm your man on the side.
How dare you! Now, that's just weird.
Come on out here! Stay calm.
There's no way he can find us.
Yeah, l'm here with my new man.
What are you doing? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! All right.
Think rationally.
lt's a 47-unit building, so it'll take him forever to-- So, you got a new man.
ls that what it is? Baby, whoo! You lose your gym membership or something? l like 'em big, but, mm! What?! When's the last time you've been to the gym? Look at that big old gut on you; looks like one big ab.
Both of you, back off.
l'll enlarge you.
l mean, shrink you.
Oh, God, l'm so confused! Ladies and gentlemen, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant guilty.
Now, for the life of me, l can't come up with a sentence.
Mr.
Foreman, do you have any recommendations? l'd like to see them wrestle.
Look out! Takedown's worth 2 points.
3 if you're topless.
l see.
Oh, baby.
l'm sorry l was so harsh.
You know you're my man.
Yeah, baby, l know.
And you, too, baby.
You're my man.
lsn't this great? My two men and me having dinner.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Stop it.
Well, Wally, it looks like everything's gonna be OK.
Yep.
lt's all about times like this surrounded by all my friends-- Phil, Avenger, Peanut, Red-- Wait.
Where's Reducto? ''So few of us are lucky enough to know love ''even fewer get to keep it.
''So, if love ever comes to you late at night ''be sure to let her in '' 'cause you don't know if she'll ever come visit again.
'' What do you think of that, Stella? Smartest thing l heard all day.
Let's go sniff some butt.
What happens when she says yes? When shesaysyes?
'' Yes, Mother, yes.
The colonic solution worked splendidly.
Yes.
Little peanut poo.
- No! Who do l look like, an ATM? - Baby, don't be that way.
Oh, this is getting old, honey, real old.
l'll call you later, Mother.
Focus, Myron.
Focus.
Fire! l can't.
l can't? l can't! lt's just too perfect.
For the first time in my life, l can't shrink something.
Dat booty just too fine.
What? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law You wanted to see me? l can come back.
Birdman, l've got a new case for you.
Tough one, too.
Wally--huh--Gator.
Harvey Birdman.
Nice to meet you.
Not him, Birdman, he's a crocodile.
Looks like a nice enough ''guh-ator.
'' Keep flipping.
Oh.
Operating a speedboat in protected waters operating a speedboat while firing a weapon operating a speedboat while operating a 1 2-pack.
So, he's pretty much being charged for-- Being a redneck.
Yep.
Raise your right hand.
What just happened? You're a bounty hunter, silly.
A bounty hunter? One last thing: there's a reward.
Dead or alive, just bring him back in in 4 pieces or less.
Watch out for the tail.
Look out! l can do something about that.
Pardon me? The butteringbettering of the buttock or rather buttocks.
Plural.
Look, you're a small man but that doesn't mean l won't kick your little green behind.
Move on, pervert.
l've got a device-- a body reshaper.
A devicefor the booty? Well, actually, it was invented for other more dastardly-- Yes, for the booty! - ls it safe? - lt's patented in Sweden.
- How much does it cost? - Free! l mean, it's free.
Well, all right.
When can l schedule an appointment? l have an opening right now.
Turn around.
You're gonna do it right here? lt's outpatient--Back off! Lord, help me.
That didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, speak for yourself.
Tell me, would you care to have a light supper? - Harvey Bird-- - Get down! l'm here to escort Mr.
Gator back.
l'm his attorney.
My papers are right in my suit underneath the-- Wally, we got your attorney/bounty hunter out here.
Mr.
Gator, l am your attorney, and l would love to come inside-- For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilized manner-- litigator toalligator.
Now, come on out, Wally.
l will, but l want tickets for the Aspen Minitruck 500 next month.
And l want to be on the field.
l'll see what l can do.
OK.
l'm coming out.
Y'all gonna tackle me? A little bit.
Oh, sh! Look out! And l'll tell you one thing: no more.
Mm-hmm.
l've had enough of that man.
And all men like him.
Go on.
Well, good thing l got a new man who's nothing like him.
When l saw The moon in your eyes, dear When l stared At your sculpted, yet fine lt'd really look much better if l took that tape off.
Can l trust you? Court will come to order.
Mr.
Bumnuts, proceed.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Today, seated before you, is a simple creature.
These creatures haven't changed; the world has.
They drink beer; they watch NASCAR they fish for bass.
But, rather than letting them go on with their lives in peace society encroaches upon them threatening their very existence.
Yes, they're rednecks and as such, should be pitied and marginalized but, Your Honor, not prosecuted.
l would like to call Wallace Lee Gator to the stand.
Mr.
Gator tell the court, in your own words, what you do each day.
Well, l fish and hunt, and l watch NASCAR.
Yep.
Things have been harder lately? Oh, sure have.
All these chain stores sprung up all over the place.
And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfishing in the swamp? Manatees.
Don't see why there's laws protecting them! Ain't nothing but floating meatsacks.
Federal government has no business telling me how l should live my life! Preach.
''God, she's hot.
'' lsn't that how the story goes? Hotness.
lntenseness.
Sexity.
Together, we're a quasar burning at both ends--in both ends.
Together, we explode.
Sexity.
l'm not quite sure what you're expecting but l have to be honest.
This is my first time.
You're right, baby, it is.
Because until you've been with Norlisa you've never done it right.
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
My glasses! What have you done with my glasses? Don't touch me! All right, touch me.
Mr.
Gator, l like your shirt.
Thank you.
Tell me, where did you get it? Foot Locker.
l see.
So you visit the shops around your home.
- Well, uh - lsn't it true that you enjoy the benefits of the modern world? - Well, they-- - The world you criticize for encroaching on your traditional lifestyle? l thought a gator only ate what he killed.
Not when it's 2.
99 a pound at the Costco! What? What was that? l can't.
What's that, baby? l'm living a lie.
All the things that l once believed, lies! Can't you see it? l'm a phony, a pretender.
That's not what l see.
l see a man who knows what he wants but isn't afraid to give his woman what she needs.
A proud, green man, and he's mine.
Norlisa! Who's that? - Who--who's what? - Norlisa! That! lt's your ex-boyfriend.
How did he know you were here? l honestly don't know.
Norlisa! Now l see.
l'm your man on the side.
How dare you! Now, that's just weird.
Come on out here! Stay calm.
There's no way he can find us.
Yeah, l'm here with my new man.
What are you doing? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! All right.
Think rationally.
lt's a 47-unit building, so it'll take him forever to-- So, you got a new man.
ls that what it is? Baby, whoo! You lose your gym membership or something? l like 'em big, but, mm! What?! When's the last time you've been to the gym? Look at that big old gut on you; looks like one big ab.
Both of you, back off.
l'll enlarge you.
l mean, shrink you.
Oh, God, l'm so confused! Ladies and gentlemen, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant guilty.
Now, for the life of me, l can't come up with a sentence.
Mr.
Foreman, do you have any recommendations? l'd like to see them wrestle.
Look out! Takedown's worth 2 points.
3 if you're topless.
l see.
Oh, baby.
l'm sorry l was so harsh.
You know you're my man.
Yeah, baby, l know.
And you, too, baby.
You're my man.
lsn't this great? My two men and me having dinner.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Stop it.
Well, Wally, it looks like everything's gonna be OK.
Yep.
lt's all about times like this surrounded by all my friends-- Phil, Avenger, Peanut, Red-- Wait.
Where's Reducto? ''So few of us are lucky enough to know love ''even fewer get to keep it.
''So, if love ever comes to you late at night ''be sure to let her in '' 'cause you don't know if she'll ever come visit again.
'' What do you think of that, Stella? Smartest thing l heard all day.
Let's go sniff some butt.
What happens when she says yes? When shesaysyes?