Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e01 Episode Script

1
HELGA: Arnold.
MAN: Here we go.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Hmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
How bad is it, Doc?
Well, Helga,
it's a pretty big cavity.
It's going to take a while
to do this filling.
I hate fillings.
I know.
Would you like to use
laughing gas this time?
I don't know.
Does it make you laugh?
(CHUCKLES) Well, you don't
actually laugh, Helga.
Usually, the gas just
makes you feel peaceful
about everything, you know.
No anxieties about
the dental procedure.
About a minute after
we turn off the gas,
you'll be back to normal.
I'll try it.
what could happen?
(GAS HISSING)
DOCTOR: How's the gas?
HELGA: Hey,
this is great, Doc.
I mean, I'm not feeling
anxious about the dental
procedure at all.
(MUFFLED)
This is a-okay with me.
(CHUCKLES)
Everything's fine here, Doc.
You have one happy patient.
Man, I'm feeling goofy.
I'm telling you, Doc,
this Arnold guy,
he's been on my mind
morning, noon and night
for the past six years!
(CHUCKLES)
You don't say.
I mean, think about that.
When you consider
than I am currently
nine years old,
that is fully
two-thirds of my young life.
Is that crazy or what?
Why do I torture myself
by keeping it all
a big secret?
Uh-huh,
finishing up here.
What's the sense to that?
Why not just tell Arnold?
La, la, la, la, la
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(THUDS)
Hey, why am I
telling you all this?
You don't even
know the guy.
I'll just call
that adorable little
football head right now
and tell him myself.
(DIAL TONE BEEPING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
You have reached the
Sunset Arms boarding house.
If you have a message
for me,
Grandma
(GRANDMA HUMMING)
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
The boarders or Arnold
Arnold!
GRANDPA PHIL'S VOICE:
please leave it
at the tone.
(TELEPHONE BEEPS)
Oh, Arnold.
Arnold, it's me, Helga.
Yes, Helga G. Pataki,
the one who worships you.
Yes, wasting the days full
of passionate thoughts of you.
Oh, my angel sweet love.
Oh, how I love
(BEEPS)
(LAUGHTER)
(HELGA SHRIEKING)
Did you hear
something just now?
No.
(CHUCKLES)
King me.
(GROANS)
Hey, look, Grandpa,
it's Arnold
and Arnold's friend.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, hey, short man.
What's going on?
ARNOLD: Well, our club's
coming over for a meeting
in about half an hour.
We're all putting
together our money
and buying a go-kart.
So, do we have
anything to eat?
How should I know?
Look in the kitchen.
There's nothing
edible out here.
Hey, wait a minute!
Did you move anything?
I never touched a thing.
Oh, Arnold, wait,
don't open that
Oh!
(ANIMALS GRUNTING)
I can't believe it.
Every time.
GRANDPA PHIL: I was
two moves away from
beating you, doggone pigs!
OSKAR: come on, Grandpa.
Let's take the game inside
and start over.
Start over? I'd beat you.
Admit it, you were running
and you had no place to go.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Within the walls
of that boarding house,
lies an answering machine.
And it contains message
so humiliating
that it must never ever
be heard by human ears.
I must get my hands on it
before that stupid
football head hears it.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRANDMA GERTIE SCATTING)
Now to get inside,
but how?
Campfire Lass. Perfect.
Good morrow
to you, Miss.
Could I interest you
in some chocolate turtles?
Yeah, yeah. Why don't you
show me what you got?
What do you say
we step into my office?
CAMPFIRE LASS:
That's a funny place
for an office.
(GRUNTS)
No! Unhand me!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
GRANDPA PHIL:
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hello, what are you
supposed to be?
What's it look like?
I'm a Campfire Lass.
Eh, you know, uh,
Faith and Begorrah
Uh, haggis.
Okay.
I supposed you'll be
wanting to sell me
some cookies, then.
Hold on. Hey, Arnold!
Yeah?
Come out here a sec.
Some Scottish girl
is selling cookies.
You want some?
What?
Who was it?
I think it was
a phantom Campfire Lass.
A phone.
But where is the blasted
answering machine?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Hello, yes.
Don't ever surprise me
like that!
Oh I mean,
how do you do?
I don't believe we have met.
Are you playmate of Arnold?
Uh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
Of course, not.
Then what are you doing
with the boarding house
telephone?
Oh, I was just checking to see
if it's working correctly.
I'm an intern at
public phone school.
Public phone school?
What a crazy town.
(WATER SPLASHING)
Up there.
Eureka.
(CLATTERS)
OSKAR: What are you
talking about? I was winning.
GRANDPA PHIL: You were not.
You were cheating.
OSKAR: I was not cheating.
You're old and you're
losing your mind.
(GASPS)
I have to tell you
things all the time.
Doggone it,
no, you don't!
OSKAR: Hey, Mr. Hyunh,
we couldn't play
checkers downstairs
because of your
stupid jigsaw puzzle.
(GRUNTS)
I must get to that tape
before Arnold does.
GRANDPA PHIL: Set up
that checker board
in the hall here.
I hope you're happy!
MR. HYUNH:
What you talking about?
(ALL ARGUING)
GRANDPA PHIL: You better
believe it, Sharpie.
MR. HYUNH: It's none
of your business.
GRANDPA PHIL:
All right, it's settled.
We'll play on Mr. Hyunh's
kitchen table.
OSKAR: Okay, as long as
he has something to eat.
(DOOR OPENS)
Look, fellers,
I got me a new
glider plane.
Catch it, Harold.
Let me see it.
Come on, throw it over here.
Come on,
throw it to me!
Over here! Over here!
Hey, you guys coming up?
Come on! Let's start
this meeting already.
STINKY: But we're throwing
my new glider plane.
Yeah.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we have the meeting
right here in the hallway?
(ALL AGREEING)
(GRUNT) Why doesn't anybody
I know just show up,
so they can all spend
the rest of their lives
in this hallway?
(PHONE RINGS)
Phoebe, it's Helga.
Listen, this is the mother
of all emergencies.
So what I'm about to ask you
to do, you should just do
and don't ask me why
and don't say you're
not the kind of person
that could actually
do something like this
and just do it, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Stop calling me!
I'm sorry.
(EXHALES) Phoebe.
(HELGA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, that sounds like
that Jolly Olly man!
He should be all the way
across town at this hour.
What a bizarre
turn of events.
ALL: Ice cream!
(CLAMORING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HUMMING)
Oh, look, a message!
(GASPS)
HELGA'S VOICE:
Arnold, it's me, Helga.
Yes, Helga G. Pataki,
the one who worships you
Oh, this is a long one.
I better write it down.
(RECORDING CONTINUES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(LAUGHTER)
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, Arnold,
before I forget,
there was a message for you.
A young lady called.
Really?
(LAUGHS) Really?
ARNOLD: What was her name?
Oh, it was
"H" something.
Hel Hel
Gosh, it's on the tip
of my tongue.
Hel
(RATTLING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, yes, here it is.
Helen of Troy.
Yeah, and Ms. Troy
wanted to tell you
that she was selling
a kind of passion fruit
drink or something.
Huh?
Huh?
You know, I really don't
like telephone solicitations.
Why would you wanna
buy a soft drink over
the phone, I ask ya.
And, you know,
they always seem to call
right at dinner time.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(SCREAMS)
Eureka! The light at
the end of the tunnel.
You did it, Helga, old girl.
You're home free.
(GRUNTS)
(BOYS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(BOYS GASP)
So, about the go-kart
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(PANTING)
Finally, I have the tape.
Mission accomplished.
My nightmare is over.
There she is, Lassies!
She's the ruffian
who pilfered me cookies.
Get her!
(SHRIEKING)
(LASSIES SCREAMING)
Or maybe
an archaeologist.
What do you wanna be
when you grow up, Harold?
Me? I don't want
to be nothing.
I just wanna
I just wanna
I just wanna eat.
I'm really hungry!
Hello, Harold.
What can I get
for you today?
Uh, nothing.
I was just, uh, browsing.
Well, in that case,
I'll be in the back,
plucking a chicken.
Last thing I need,
kids coming in here
with nothing to do.
Always touching everything,
never buying.
(SNIFFING)
Sheesh, these kids.
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, Harold,
what's with your shirt?
Huh?
I didn't do nothing.
Harold,
the strangest thing.
You know that ham I was
wrapping when you came in?
I can't find it.
You didn't see what I did
with it, did you?
Uh, no, no.
We didn't do nothing
about a lost ham,
right, fellas?
We ain't see nothing.
Hey! That looks like my ham.
Huh? Ham? What ham?
Harold Berman,
I can't believe my eyes.
You stole my beautiful ham
and now it's ruined.
Aw, I was hungry.
I was really, really hungry.
That doesn't give you
the right to steal
from people!
You understand that?
(CRYING) No! Mommy!
I'm going to have
to call his mommy.
MARILYN: I just
I don't I
If you are hungry,
come home.
We have a full fridge.
Instead, it's this
This shanda.
Why, Harold, why?
I was hungry.
I wasn't thinking.
Harold, we, we just
can't let this pass
because who-- who knows
where it will lead?
You could wind up in prison
and in a chain gang,
maybe on death row.
Jerry!
JERRY: Harold.
I think you need to learn
a lesson from this.
What kind of lesson?
RABBI GOLDBERG:
Harold, I'm disturbed
about two things.
First of all,
you stole.
Stealing is against the law.
"Thou shalt not steal."
But I was hungry,
Rabbi Goldberg.
But secondly
and most important,
you stole a ham.
Ham is not kosher.
Not kosher at all.
We don't eat ham.
We haven't for 5000 years.
And we don't need
to start now.
I know, and I'm sorry!
Yes, I know you're sorry
because you did something
that got you into trouble.
But I don't think
you understand why.
When I was a young man
about your age,
I had a friend who
admired a vest
hanging in a tailor shop.
It was a beautiful vest.
Red velvet
with gold buttons.
He coveted that vest, Harold,
but didn't have the money
to buy it.
You know what happened?
My friend stole the vest
and he was punished.
He had to work
at the tailor shop,
learning how to cut
and sew and stitch,
so he would see just
how much work it takes
to make a vest.
He learned a good lesson.
You can, too, Harold.
I have an idea.
So we're all agreed.
Harold will work here
every day after school
for one week.
Well, okay. I'm not wild
about the idea,
but I guess
it's only one week.
Thanks, thanks. I think
this will be great
for Harold.
What do I have to do?
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
Ever used one
of these before?
(WHINES)
Oh, this stinks.
(MUMBLES)
How's it
going, Harold?
(SIGHS)
Ah, pretty dumb so far.
Maybe it'll get better.
Are you kidding?
They're making me work in
this stupid butcher shop.
(SCREAMS)
MR. GREEN: Oh,
for the love of Pete.
Now they're all dirty.
Well, shovel 'em up
and throw 'em out, Harold.
An ounce of help,
a pound of trouble.
(GROANS)
Where do you want these?
No, no, don't let 'em
drag on the floor like that.
Pick 'em up!
(EXCLAIMS)
(HAROLD SCREAMING)
Help me! Mommy!
(SIGHS WEARILY)
(HORNS HONKING)
Uh, Mr. Green.
Yes?
Why are you
hitting the meat
with that hammer?
I'm tenderizing it.
What does that mean?
I'm making it softer.
It tastes better.
You mean you can make
meat taste different
just by hitting it?
You can go home now, Harold.
So, how are things
at Mr. Green's?
It's okay.
You know,
meat's kinda interesting.
I wonder
what this stuff is.
I'd say it's made
from chuck roast
with some added
oatmeal filler, of course.
Do you like
being a butcher?
Huh? Yeah.
I've been doing it
for a long time.
What's your favorite
kind of meat?
Don't you have
sweeping to do?
What's the difference
between a rump roast
and a butt steak?
Hey, I got work to do.
Go sweep outside!
Just two more days
and he's out of my hair.
I see we're having
the marinated beef shank
again today, huh.
Might I suggest that you use
a little less soy sauce
in your marinade next time?
It overpowers the beef.
Beef, veal
prosciutto
pork sausage.
And did you know, Ma,
that you can get tri-tip
for about the same price
as this brisket?
But you don't have
to marinate it.
Three days
in a butcher shop
and already he's an expert.
The point is, he's not
a criminal, Marilyn.
Jerry!
I'm just saying.
I think maybe he's found
his true calling.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CLAMORING)
Nice job, Harold.
Your week is up.
You can run along now.
You're all done paying me back
for the ham. You can go.
But I like working here.
I think I wanna grow up
to be a butcher.
(LAUGHING)
Maybe I can come
and help you out every day.
Like be your assistant.
Look, Harold,
you're a nice kid,
but you're really
more trouble
than you're worth.
Uh, I gotta get ready
for my big annual
meat sale this weekend
and I don't
have time for this.
But I can help you.
Oh, please.
I said no. No, thank you.
Good night, Harold.
He's still out there, huh?
Uh-huh.
(SIGHS)
Hey, I thought I told you.
Harold, come back here!
Harold, what in the name
of Pete do you think
you're doing?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Green.
You caught me stealing
that turkey red-handed,
didn't you?
Guess you have to punish
me now and make me work
in your shop again, huh?
Oh, no, you're not
fooling me, Harold Berman.
I told you I don't want you
to work in my shop anymore,
and I meant it.
Now go on. Scram!
(CLAMORING)
I'll get to all of you
one at a time.
Hey, Arnold, I got
your grandma's order
right here.
Boy, you're really busy,
huh, Mr. Green.
No, I'm in a hammock,
I'm taking a nap
on a nice spring day.
Yeah, I'm busy. I'm swamped.
But what can I do?
It's my annual meat sale.
It's always like this.
Here you go.
You all have to take
a number and get in line.
Next!
(CLAMORING)
ARNOLD: Mr. Green,
I brought someone to help you.
Oh, no. No, Harold.
I already told you.
You're more trouble
than you're worth.
You couldn't possibly
be any help.
-Uh, Mr. Blue?
-It's Green.
Where are my briskets?
I told you,
we're out of briskets.
WOMAN: But I
Actually, uh, Mr. Green,
I think you have
some extra brisket
in the back freezer
where you keep the diced lamb.
You know what? You're right.
There are briskets there.
Ah, what the hay.
I'm probably crazy,
Harold, but you can help out.
Just for today.
Wash your hands
and come on back here.
All right!
Lamb chops.
Coming up.
Any more veal?
Let's see, uh
HAROLD: Here you go.
The last few choice
veal cutlets.
Thanks, Harold.
You really surprised me
today, Harold.
You came through
and did a great job.
Thanks, Mr. Green.
I just love being here
and being around meat.
You know, Harold,
when you first started
helping out here,
I really thought
it was a bad idea.
But after today, I realized
that you remind of someone.
Really? Who?
A young me.
Wow. Thanks, Mr. Green.
Now, remember, I told you
it was just for one day.
Yeah, right.
Well, thanks for
letting me help today.
I better be going, then.
Hey.
Huh?
What are you doing
Mondays after school?
You You mean
That's right.
You're my new
apprentice butcher.
Really?
MR. GREEN:
See you Monday, kid.
HAROLD: All right!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)