Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e01 Episode Script
The Crittendon Plan
( theme song playing ) HOGAN: And I'm telling you, London, it can't be done.
Sure, we know where the tunnel is, but if the Krauts are running a rocket fuel convoy through there, it'll be heavily guarded.
Besides, it's too far from Stalag 13 to take all my men.
We've arranged all that, old boy-- made contact with an underground group.
They'll meet you tomorrow night at 2200 hours at rendezvous point, uh, 906.
Oh, and you'd better use recognition code one-four.
We hear these people are eccentric but keen, terribly keen.
They'd better be.
Blowing up a tunnel and a convoy should call for a battalion.
We can go you one better, old boy.
Chap of ours worked out a special plan for this operation.
Got it all in his head, unfortunately.
Why? Where's his head? Oh, no problem there.
You can pick him up on your way to the rendezvous point.
Caught his foot in a trap a while back.
Jerry's got him in Stalag 16.
We've got to break him out of Stalag 16? Is it worth it? Oh, he's got such a beautiful concept of the whole operation, old boy.
We've named it after him: The Crittendon Plan.
Not Colonel Crittendon! Aha-- you know him.
I know he's the most incompetent officer in the entire British army-- that's how well I know him.
( laughing ) Fooled you, too, eh, did he? ( laughs ) Razor sharp, old Crit.
Razor sharp.
We'll pick up the usual things-- explosives, shortwave, and so on.
Best of luck, chaps.
( line clicks ) Hey, wait a minute.
Colonel, not Crittendon.
Crittendon.
They got to be kidding.
It would be a disaster-- a complete, impossible disaster.
Just tell me one thing, one thing he's ever done right.
Well, he always put a lot of faith in me.
Good, you're going with us.
Congratulations.
Serves you right, big mouth.
I didn't say I put a lot of faith in him.
I just said he You're escaping tonight.
I'll join you tomorrow; let's go.
But how are we going to do it, Colonel? I mean, blowing up a whole convoy in a tunnel-- that's a pretty big job.
Why ask me? It's all in The Crittendon Plan.
T-The Crittendon Plan.
Yes, sir.
I'm sure it's all in there.
Report! Herr Kommandant, I beg your pardon.
Schultz, what is it, what is it? I don't know how to say it, Herr Kommandant, but Schultz, what is the matter with you? You say, "All present and accounted for.
" Now, say it.
I would give my life if I would be able to say it, but, I Unfortunately, Commandant, there's been an escape.
Escape? Schultz, did you sound the alarm? Sound the Too late, Commandant.
Happened early last night.
Carter.
He's long gone.
Long gone? Schultz, I will have your head for this.
Berlin will have my head.
The one thing they would never question was my perfect record.
Now it's gone.
Should we call out the dogs? Call out the No chance, Commandant.
Why not? Carter thinks like a dog.
Yes, he thinks like a dog.
But he must be recaptured.
You got a problem, Commandant, because there's only one man in Stalag 13 who knows how to find him.
Who's that? Me.
I think like him.
Hogan, this is a trick.
I'm not letting you out of this camp.
Commandant, do you really think I'd go out and hunt down one of my own men? I order you to go.
That never works, sir.
Hogan, what am I to do? Wait for your transfer.
Russian front.
Hmm.
Russian front.
Yes.
We'll wait for your replacement.
A beast probably.
A beast, of course.
Won't be a man of your culture, humanity.
Prisoners will suffer.
The prisoners will suffer, yes.
Why not? But c'est la guerre.
C'est la guerre.
Hogan, you owe it to your men to bring him back.
Really, sir? Look at them.
What would it mean to those poor devils if they were to lose me? More than you'll ever know, sir.
Then go.
I'll do it.
Under heavy guard, of course.
"Hair-trigger" Schultz.
Jawohl, my colonel.
Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him.
He's your prisoner.
And see to it that it stays that way.
Jawohl, mein Kommandant.
And bring Carter back.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan, what are we really going to do? Well, Schultz, first Tell me nothing, nothing.
Colonel Hogan, I must protest.
What are we doing here? Looking for Carter.
Humph.
We were sent out to look for Carter.
What has looking for Carter to do with the many stops we've been making? What has looking for Carter to do with all the supplies and bundles you were loading back there? German uniforms, guns and radios, and boxes of something that looks like something I do not want to look at.
Dynamite.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! What are we doing here? Looking for Carter.
Hmm.
"Looking for Carter.
" There he is now.
It is Carter.
Carter, you're under arrest.
Please wait.
I found you, Carter.
You are my prisoner.
Hi, Schultz.
Now, get into the truck.
No tricks.
Get in! Where are we going, Schultz? Back to Stalag 13, where else? I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.
Why, why? Well, we have orders to pick up a prisoner.
What prisoner? What orders? My German uniform in the back of the truck.
Well, shall we go? SCHULTZ: Wait! We are going back to Stalag 13, and nowhere else.
Now, back into the truck.
March! Just thinking of you, Schultz.
Do not think of me.
Halt! Why are you thinking of me? Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter? Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, they're close behind me that way.
I welcome the Gestapo.
I've captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner single-handed.
Sure, Schultz, and they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff in the back of the truck.
I know nothing of what's in the back of the truck! Nothing! And I'll back you up every inch of the way-- as long as I can humanly hold out.
He might not crack for hours.
Let's go to Stalag 16.
Get in the truck! Schnell! You'll never regret it, Schultz.
Danke.
Go ahead, sir; I read you loud and clear.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Mission underway there, chaps? Our men are on their way, sir, hours ago.
Oh, I say, that's a bit of a fix.
What is, sir? Well, our mistake, really, though completely understandable.
The Colonel Crittendon in Stalag 16 isn't the man for the job at all.
It's the wrong Crittendon? The Colonel Crittendon we want is in Stalag 2.
Fine, sir.
Yes, well, you see, where we got our wires crossed is this, that that donkey in Stalag 16 submitted a perfectly dreadful plan about a year back for growing geraniums along the runways of all our aerodromes.
Called it The Crittendon Plan.
So, you can understand our mistake.
Eh, any possibility Perfectly, sir.
of getting word to your men in the field? Not a prayer.
Oh.
Too bad.
Well, they'll just have to muddle through, won't they? Best of luck, chaps.
Righto.
Colonel Crittendon, Major.
What's going on here? Quiet! We will question the prisoner in private.
Of course, Major.
I understand.
I must say, I'm surprised at you chaps going over to Jerry.
You especially, Carter.
We did not turn traitor.
We forged some papers to get you out of here, so listen.
Actually? Well, that's jolly sporting of you, but, uh I have my own tunnel working here.
Three or four months, I'll be free as a bird.
Crittendon! Happens every time.
Listen to me.
You're going out of here with us tonight, but, first, I've got to be sure.
Did you or did you not formulate something for the War Office known as The Crittendon Plan? Of course.
That's why you've come for me.
So they're actually going to do it-- The Crittendon Plan.
Well, that does it.
Get the guard.
Yes, sir.
You know, Colonel, actually, I always did think that Get the guard.
Yes, sir.
Guard! Jawohl, Herr Major? This is our man.
Get his things together and follow us.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Can't believe they're going through with it, Hogan.
All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.
Good? It's superb.
Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.
Geraniums? Geraniums? Of course.
Straight from the horror of war.
Like coming home to mother's cottage.
Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.
That's The Crittendon Plan? Geraniums lining every runway.
And they're going to do it.
Any way we can leave him, sir? 'Fraid not, but I'd love to.
Something wrong? Nothing, nothing at all.
Let's go plant geraniums.
Good show.
Carry on, chaps.
Chins up.
See you in Tipperary.
( phone rings ) Yes.
Sergeant Schultz.
Yes, put him on.
Dummkopf.
Where have you been? I don't want a report on traffic conditions.
Have you captured Carter, yes or no? Herr Kommandant, we definitely captured him, most definitely.
Then why don't you bring him back? Ooh, a very good idea, Herr Commandant, very good.
As soon as certain details have been worked out.
Schultz, what is the matter with you? Have you got Carter or not? I want a straight answer.
Oh, and I would like to give you one, but, like Hogan always says, life is not always black and white.
What he means by that, I do not know.
Schultz, when I want philosophy from Hogan, I'll ask him.
Oh, an excellent idea.
I shall put him on.
Schultz, I don't want to talk to Hogan.
Schultz! Highly irregular.
Excuse me, please, Colonel Hogan.
Commandant Klink would like to speak to you.
Much too busy for that, Schultz.
Tell him, will you? But if I tell him, Colonel Hogan, he might ask what are you so busy doing.
All right, I'll tell you.
Please.
I'll make up something.
Now, look, Crittendon, it's almost rendezvous time.
Our people are going to be here.
Are you in with us or not? Well, dash it all, Hogan.
A prisoner's duty is to escape and get back to his own life.
Now, what's that got to do with blowing up convoys? I explained that to you.
The people we're to meet here are highly suspicious by nature.
Otherwise, they wouldn't be alive.
They're expecting us to have a Colonel Crittendon who has the master plan to this whole operation.
I can't tell 'em we have the wrong Crittendon.
They'd pull out in a minute.
We couldn't switch the whole thing to planting geraniums, I suppose? No! Pity.
Colonel, I think our people just came in.
All right, I'll do the talking.
Don't get pinned down on anything.
I'll answer the questions.
Here, do you really think you should? Yes.
Just asking.
I believe I have a spot on my left sleeve.
( spits ) It must be from the stroganoff.
I love to play Parcheesi on Sunday.
It is early in the year for stroganoff, is it not? As a boy, I had a pet rabbit.
I miss him.
I had a bunny once.
Miss him terribly at times.
That is not in the code.
Sit down, sit down.
He's ad-libbing.
Dull code otherwise.
You are Hogan? Sergeant Carter.
Colonel Crittendon.
I do not like it.
You should have more men.
And if you were more of a man, we would need less men.
We're all specialists and we have the plan.
The, uh, Crittendon Plan.
Tell it to me.
Which one? Not now, later.
In the morning.
I must I must hear the plan.
Don't be an old woman.
They will tell you the plan when they tell you the plan.
I do not trust them.
And why should they trust you? Excuse me, but What is this, a German? He's a neutral.
Could you speak to Commandant Klink just for a little moment? Who is this Klink? I'm sorry, Schultz.
We're just leaving.
Where are we going? You stay here.
It won't be more than a day or two.
A day or two? All right, not more than a week.
A week? One thing.
Tonight, tomorrow, no time, no one touches the girl.
What girl? Girl? What girl? No one touches her.
Of course, of course.
No, naturally.
Never entered my mind.
Oh, boy.
What? What's up? Shh ( whispering ): Where are the others? They left to look at the tunnel.
What, without me? You were born under a lucky star.
Well, uh shouldn't we go and look for them or something? I will lead you.
Oh You sure you know the way? I've been there before.
MARKO: They will post the guard there tomorrow morning.
Yeah, about 50 troops.
And how do we fight 50 Germans? We don't.
We open fire on the convoy about a half a mile from the tunnel.
We stop the lead trucks so the others bunch up and we call in the bombers to go to work on the rocket fuel.
Where do we get the bombers? Get in touch with 'em by shortwave.
Have a flight of B17s standing by.
As soon as we find out what time the convoy arrives, we radio the information.
What of the tunnel? Blow that, too.
Bombers will force the Germans inside.
We'll sneak up and lob in some high explosives.
Eh, dangerous plan.
There may be some losses.
What time's the convoy get here? Tell him.
They come two hours after the guard is posted at that tunnel.
All right.
Let's go.
Carter? Hey, Colonel, I got some beauties here.
( chuckles ) Where is the girl? She's not here? Where's Crittendon? Well, he's right over there asleep I I don't know.
I said no one touches the girl.
CRITTENDON ( chuckles ): Hello there, chaps.
( sighs ) Well, we, uh, had a deuce of a job finding you, but, uh, we had quite a jolly chat together, really.
What did you do with him? Not what you think, pig.
I asked him some questions that you should've asked him last night.
He has no plans at all.
Did you know that? He knows nothing about the convoy.
He wants to plant geraniums somewhere.
Crittendon! Well, she, uh seemed sincerely interested.
Hey! Now you will call to no one to betray us.
No one.
Yeah, I guess we won't.
Oh, bad show.
HOGAN: All right, time to go, Carter.
Ready with that thing? I hope so.
It's the best I could do on short notice.
You are going nowhere.
HOGAN: I already explained to you what happened.
We simply got the wrong Colonel Crittendon.
That's all.
No offense, Colonel.
Quite all right.
For that, you can shoot us, or you can stay here, or you can come with us but we're going to try to stop that convoy.
Get in the truck, Carter.
Right, Colonel.
No! He will not shoot.
I am going with them.
But they have no chance.
Perhaps, but they are going to fight Germans, and that is what I am going to do: fight Germans.
I do not believe them.
You are afraid.
You? The girl stays with me.
Who wants to die by inches? I am going.
You have no chance! All right, Crittendon, you sure you've got it? Got it, old boy.
Oops.
Having a spot of trouble holding it, though.
I'm talking about procedure.
Ah.
Now, you're under the truck with the bomb.
Yes, indeed.
When we stop the lead truck in the convoy, you crawl under it and tape the bomb to the gas tank.
Right.
It's set to go off when they're in the tunnel.
Well, I'll do my best, old boy.
Not exactly my line of work, though, you know? Truck coming, Colonel.
All right, Carter.
Set the bomb.
Uh-oh, bad news.
Marko's in the front seat with a couple of Krauts.
That pig.
What do we do now, Colonel? Go through with it.
I shall cover him from the side of the road.
If he opens his mouth, I fire.
But if he hasn't gone over to them, it seems a rum go to blow him up.
That's our job.
All right, Crittendon, get under the truck.
Under the truck.
Crittendon? Yes? The bomb.
Ah.
If you see the truck is not going to stop, jump out of the way.
Don't worry.
They'll stop.
( tires screech ) Hello.
These are your instructions, Sergeant? To stop for every hitchhiker? No, Major, I Laudent, inspect the truck there to see if they're doing anything else wrong.
Yes, Herr Major.
Sergeant, dismount! Sergeant, you will look at me! Yes, Major.
Who is this other hitchhiker? You are running a bus service? No, Major, uh, one of our patrols picked him up.
They thought he was a member of a guerrilla band and would make a good hostage.
So, with guerrillas operating, you make two stops and bunch up the convoy?! Sergeant What is it? Nothing, nothing.
CARTER: Is everything in order, Laudent? You will look at me, Sergeant! Almost everything, Herr Major.
Get back in the truck.
Yes, sir.
Where are you going, Sergeant?! Get back in the truck! Yes, Major.
( door shuts ) Drive on.
And your commanding officer shall hear from me.
( engine starts ) All right, get this truck out of here.
The rest of that convoy will be along in a minute.
Right, Colonel.
Crittendon.
Did you get it taped down okay? No fuss at all, old boy.
What time's it set to go off? Two minutes.
Cor.
Glad I didn't know.
Let's go.
Hey, the convoy's in the tunnel, Colonel.
How's the time? It should've happened by now.
Crittendon, are you sure? ( explosion ) There she goes! And the tunnel, the convoy, the works! ( gasps ) Hogan, you're wonderful! No one touches the girl! No one.
Oh.
Pity, actually.
Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Carter, I want every minute of the three days you were gone accounted for.
That's the thanks we get for keeping your record intact? Hogan, I will not be diverted.
Well, just look what happened while we were gone.
A British colonel escaped from Stalag 16, and you're complaining.
They'll catch him.
Eh, you're probably right.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
I want every minute accounted for.
Well, it takes time to track down a fox.
Carter? I led them a merry chase, sir, but they were relentless.
Schultz, why did you keep calling from a beer hall? Because there was a telephone? I won't accept that.
But, sir, it was really an exhausting chase.
It may go down in the annals of the all-time great manhunts.
Boy, I was out there in the woods, and I was Carter Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I just have to say it.
You and Schultz were just too much for me, just too much.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Schultz, I am giving you a three-day pass.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan, you will receive two extra pieces of writing paper.
Characteristically generous, sir.
And me, sir? for attempted escape.
Dismissed.
I talk too much? You talk too much.
Sure, we know where the tunnel is, but if the Krauts are running a rocket fuel convoy through there, it'll be heavily guarded.
Besides, it's too far from Stalag 13 to take all my men.
We've arranged all that, old boy-- made contact with an underground group.
They'll meet you tomorrow night at 2200 hours at rendezvous point, uh, 906.
Oh, and you'd better use recognition code one-four.
We hear these people are eccentric but keen, terribly keen.
They'd better be.
Blowing up a tunnel and a convoy should call for a battalion.
We can go you one better, old boy.
Chap of ours worked out a special plan for this operation.
Got it all in his head, unfortunately.
Why? Where's his head? Oh, no problem there.
You can pick him up on your way to the rendezvous point.
Caught his foot in a trap a while back.
Jerry's got him in Stalag 16.
We've got to break him out of Stalag 16? Is it worth it? Oh, he's got such a beautiful concept of the whole operation, old boy.
We've named it after him: The Crittendon Plan.
Not Colonel Crittendon! Aha-- you know him.
I know he's the most incompetent officer in the entire British army-- that's how well I know him.
( laughing ) Fooled you, too, eh, did he? ( laughs ) Razor sharp, old Crit.
Razor sharp.
We'll pick up the usual things-- explosives, shortwave, and so on.
Best of luck, chaps.
( line clicks ) Hey, wait a minute.
Colonel, not Crittendon.
Crittendon.
They got to be kidding.
It would be a disaster-- a complete, impossible disaster.
Just tell me one thing, one thing he's ever done right.
Well, he always put a lot of faith in me.
Good, you're going with us.
Congratulations.
Serves you right, big mouth.
I didn't say I put a lot of faith in him.
I just said he You're escaping tonight.
I'll join you tomorrow; let's go.
But how are we going to do it, Colonel? I mean, blowing up a whole convoy in a tunnel-- that's a pretty big job.
Why ask me? It's all in The Crittendon Plan.
T-The Crittendon Plan.
Yes, sir.
I'm sure it's all in there.
Report! Herr Kommandant, I beg your pardon.
Schultz, what is it, what is it? I don't know how to say it, Herr Kommandant, but Schultz, what is the matter with you? You say, "All present and accounted for.
" Now, say it.
I would give my life if I would be able to say it, but, I Unfortunately, Commandant, there's been an escape.
Escape? Schultz, did you sound the alarm? Sound the Too late, Commandant.
Happened early last night.
Carter.
He's long gone.
Long gone? Schultz, I will have your head for this.
Berlin will have my head.
The one thing they would never question was my perfect record.
Now it's gone.
Should we call out the dogs? Call out the No chance, Commandant.
Why not? Carter thinks like a dog.
Yes, he thinks like a dog.
But he must be recaptured.
You got a problem, Commandant, because there's only one man in Stalag 13 who knows how to find him.
Who's that? Me.
I think like him.
Hogan, this is a trick.
I'm not letting you out of this camp.
Commandant, do you really think I'd go out and hunt down one of my own men? I order you to go.
That never works, sir.
Hogan, what am I to do? Wait for your transfer.
Russian front.
Hmm.
Russian front.
Yes.
We'll wait for your replacement.
A beast probably.
A beast, of course.
Won't be a man of your culture, humanity.
Prisoners will suffer.
The prisoners will suffer, yes.
Why not? But c'est la guerre.
C'est la guerre.
Hogan, you owe it to your men to bring him back.
Really, sir? Look at them.
What would it mean to those poor devils if they were to lose me? More than you'll ever know, sir.
Then go.
I'll do it.
Under heavy guard, of course.
"Hair-trigger" Schultz.
Jawohl, my colonel.
Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him.
He's your prisoner.
And see to it that it stays that way.
Jawohl, mein Kommandant.
And bring Carter back.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan, what are we really going to do? Well, Schultz, first Tell me nothing, nothing.
Colonel Hogan, I must protest.
What are we doing here? Looking for Carter.
Humph.
We were sent out to look for Carter.
What has looking for Carter to do with the many stops we've been making? What has looking for Carter to do with all the supplies and bundles you were loading back there? German uniforms, guns and radios, and boxes of something that looks like something I do not want to look at.
Dynamite.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! What are we doing here? Looking for Carter.
Hmm.
"Looking for Carter.
" There he is now.
It is Carter.
Carter, you're under arrest.
Please wait.
I found you, Carter.
You are my prisoner.
Hi, Schultz.
Now, get into the truck.
No tricks.
Get in! Where are we going, Schultz? Back to Stalag 13, where else? I thought we'd go to Stalag 16.
Why, why? Well, we have orders to pick up a prisoner.
What prisoner? What orders? My German uniform in the back of the truck.
Well, shall we go? SCHULTZ: Wait! We are going back to Stalag 13, and nowhere else.
Now, back into the truck.
March! Just thinking of you, Schultz.
Do not think of me.
Halt! Why are you thinking of me? Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter? Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, they're close behind me that way.
I welcome the Gestapo.
I've captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner single-handed.
Sure, Schultz, and they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff in the back of the truck.
I know nothing of what's in the back of the truck! Nothing! And I'll back you up every inch of the way-- as long as I can humanly hold out.
He might not crack for hours.
Let's go to Stalag 16.
Get in the truck! Schnell! You'll never regret it, Schultz.
Danke.
Go ahead, sir; I read you loud and clear.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Mission underway there, chaps? Our men are on their way, sir, hours ago.
Oh, I say, that's a bit of a fix.
What is, sir? Well, our mistake, really, though completely understandable.
The Colonel Crittendon in Stalag 16 isn't the man for the job at all.
It's the wrong Crittendon? The Colonel Crittendon we want is in Stalag 2.
Fine, sir.
Yes, well, you see, where we got our wires crossed is this, that that donkey in Stalag 16 submitted a perfectly dreadful plan about a year back for growing geraniums along the runways of all our aerodromes.
Called it The Crittendon Plan.
So, you can understand our mistake.
Eh, any possibility Perfectly, sir.
of getting word to your men in the field? Not a prayer.
Oh.
Too bad.
Well, they'll just have to muddle through, won't they? Best of luck, chaps.
Righto.
Colonel Crittendon, Major.
What's going on here? Quiet! We will question the prisoner in private.
Of course, Major.
I understand.
I must say, I'm surprised at you chaps going over to Jerry.
You especially, Carter.
We did not turn traitor.
We forged some papers to get you out of here, so listen.
Actually? Well, that's jolly sporting of you, but, uh I have my own tunnel working here.
Three or four months, I'll be free as a bird.
Crittendon! Happens every time.
Listen to me.
You're going out of here with us tonight, but, first, I've got to be sure.
Did you or did you not formulate something for the War Office known as The Crittendon Plan? Of course.
That's why you've come for me.
So they're actually going to do it-- The Crittendon Plan.
Well, that does it.
Get the guard.
Yes, sir.
You know, Colonel, actually, I always did think that Get the guard.
Yes, sir.
Guard! Jawohl, Herr Major? This is our man.
Get his things together and follow us.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Can't believe they're going through with it, Hogan.
All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.
Good? It's superb.
Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.
Geraniums? Geraniums? Of course.
Straight from the horror of war.
Like coming home to mother's cottage.
Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.
That's The Crittendon Plan? Geraniums lining every runway.
And they're going to do it.
Any way we can leave him, sir? 'Fraid not, but I'd love to.
Something wrong? Nothing, nothing at all.
Let's go plant geraniums.
Good show.
Carry on, chaps.
Chins up.
See you in Tipperary.
( phone rings ) Yes.
Sergeant Schultz.
Yes, put him on.
Dummkopf.
Where have you been? I don't want a report on traffic conditions.
Have you captured Carter, yes or no? Herr Kommandant, we definitely captured him, most definitely.
Then why don't you bring him back? Ooh, a very good idea, Herr Commandant, very good.
As soon as certain details have been worked out.
Schultz, what is the matter with you? Have you got Carter or not? I want a straight answer.
Oh, and I would like to give you one, but, like Hogan always says, life is not always black and white.
What he means by that, I do not know.
Schultz, when I want philosophy from Hogan, I'll ask him.
Oh, an excellent idea.
I shall put him on.
Schultz, I don't want to talk to Hogan.
Schultz! Highly irregular.
Excuse me, please, Colonel Hogan.
Commandant Klink would like to speak to you.
Much too busy for that, Schultz.
Tell him, will you? But if I tell him, Colonel Hogan, he might ask what are you so busy doing.
All right, I'll tell you.
Please.
I'll make up something.
Now, look, Crittendon, it's almost rendezvous time.
Our people are going to be here.
Are you in with us or not? Well, dash it all, Hogan.
A prisoner's duty is to escape and get back to his own life.
Now, what's that got to do with blowing up convoys? I explained that to you.
The people we're to meet here are highly suspicious by nature.
Otherwise, they wouldn't be alive.
They're expecting us to have a Colonel Crittendon who has the master plan to this whole operation.
I can't tell 'em we have the wrong Crittendon.
They'd pull out in a minute.
We couldn't switch the whole thing to planting geraniums, I suppose? No! Pity.
Colonel, I think our people just came in.
All right, I'll do the talking.
Don't get pinned down on anything.
I'll answer the questions.
Here, do you really think you should? Yes.
Just asking.
I believe I have a spot on my left sleeve.
( spits ) It must be from the stroganoff.
I love to play Parcheesi on Sunday.
It is early in the year for stroganoff, is it not? As a boy, I had a pet rabbit.
I miss him.
I had a bunny once.
Miss him terribly at times.
That is not in the code.
Sit down, sit down.
He's ad-libbing.
Dull code otherwise.
You are Hogan? Sergeant Carter.
Colonel Crittendon.
I do not like it.
You should have more men.
And if you were more of a man, we would need less men.
We're all specialists and we have the plan.
The, uh, Crittendon Plan.
Tell it to me.
Which one? Not now, later.
In the morning.
I must I must hear the plan.
Don't be an old woman.
They will tell you the plan when they tell you the plan.
I do not trust them.
And why should they trust you? Excuse me, but What is this, a German? He's a neutral.
Could you speak to Commandant Klink just for a little moment? Who is this Klink? I'm sorry, Schultz.
We're just leaving.
Where are we going? You stay here.
It won't be more than a day or two.
A day or two? All right, not more than a week.
A week? One thing.
Tonight, tomorrow, no time, no one touches the girl.
What girl? Girl? What girl? No one touches her.
Of course, of course.
No, naturally.
Never entered my mind.
Oh, boy.
What? What's up? Shh ( whispering ): Where are the others? They left to look at the tunnel.
What, without me? You were born under a lucky star.
Well, uh shouldn't we go and look for them or something? I will lead you.
Oh You sure you know the way? I've been there before.
MARKO: They will post the guard there tomorrow morning.
Yeah, about 50 troops.
And how do we fight 50 Germans? We don't.
We open fire on the convoy about a half a mile from the tunnel.
We stop the lead trucks so the others bunch up and we call in the bombers to go to work on the rocket fuel.
Where do we get the bombers? Get in touch with 'em by shortwave.
Have a flight of B17s standing by.
As soon as we find out what time the convoy arrives, we radio the information.
What of the tunnel? Blow that, too.
Bombers will force the Germans inside.
We'll sneak up and lob in some high explosives.
Eh, dangerous plan.
There may be some losses.
What time's the convoy get here? Tell him.
They come two hours after the guard is posted at that tunnel.
All right.
Let's go.
Carter? Hey, Colonel, I got some beauties here.
( chuckles ) Where is the girl? She's not here? Where's Crittendon? Well, he's right over there asleep I I don't know.
I said no one touches the girl.
CRITTENDON ( chuckles ): Hello there, chaps.
( sighs ) Well, we, uh, had a deuce of a job finding you, but, uh, we had quite a jolly chat together, really.
What did you do with him? Not what you think, pig.
I asked him some questions that you should've asked him last night.
He has no plans at all.
Did you know that? He knows nothing about the convoy.
He wants to plant geraniums somewhere.
Crittendon! Well, she, uh seemed sincerely interested.
Hey! Now you will call to no one to betray us.
No one.
Yeah, I guess we won't.
Oh, bad show.
HOGAN: All right, time to go, Carter.
Ready with that thing? I hope so.
It's the best I could do on short notice.
You are going nowhere.
HOGAN: I already explained to you what happened.
We simply got the wrong Colonel Crittendon.
That's all.
No offense, Colonel.
Quite all right.
For that, you can shoot us, or you can stay here, or you can come with us but we're going to try to stop that convoy.
Get in the truck, Carter.
Right, Colonel.
No! He will not shoot.
I am going with them.
But they have no chance.
Perhaps, but they are going to fight Germans, and that is what I am going to do: fight Germans.
I do not believe them.
You are afraid.
You? The girl stays with me.
Who wants to die by inches? I am going.
You have no chance! All right, Crittendon, you sure you've got it? Got it, old boy.
Oops.
Having a spot of trouble holding it, though.
I'm talking about procedure.
Ah.
Now, you're under the truck with the bomb.
Yes, indeed.
When we stop the lead truck in the convoy, you crawl under it and tape the bomb to the gas tank.
Right.
It's set to go off when they're in the tunnel.
Well, I'll do my best, old boy.
Not exactly my line of work, though, you know? Truck coming, Colonel.
All right, Carter.
Set the bomb.
Uh-oh, bad news.
Marko's in the front seat with a couple of Krauts.
That pig.
What do we do now, Colonel? Go through with it.
I shall cover him from the side of the road.
If he opens his mouth, I fire.
But if he hasn't gone over to them, it seems a rum go to blow him up.
That's our job.
All right, Crittendon, get under the truck.
Under the truck.
Crittendon? Yes? The bomb.
Ah.
If you see the truck is not going to stop, jump out of the way.
Don't worry.
They'll stop.
( tires screech ) Hello.
These are your instructions, Sergeant? To stop for every hitchhiker? No, Major, I Laudent, inspect the truck there to see if they're doing anything else wrong.
Yes, Herr Major.
Sergeant, dismount! Sergeant, you will look at me! Yes, Major.
Who is this other hitchhiker? You are running a bus service? No, Major, uh, one of our patrols picked him up.
They thought he was a member of a guerrilla band and would make a good hostage.
So, with guerrillas operating, you make two stops and bunch up the convoy?! Sergeant What is it? Nothing, nothing.
CARTER: Is everything in order, Laudent? You will look at me, Sergeant! Almost everything, Herr Major.
Get back in the truck.
Yes, sir.
Where are you going, Sergeant?! Get back in the truck! Yes, Major.
( door shuts ) Drive on.
And your commanding officer shall hear from me.
( engine starts ) All right, get this truck out of here.
The rest of that convoy will be along in a minute.
Right, Colonel.
Crittendon.
Did you get it taped down okay? No fuss at all, old boy.
What time's it set to go off? Two minutes.
Cor.
Glad I didn't know.
Let's go.
Hey, the convoy's in the tunnel, Colonel.
How's the time? It should've happened by now.
Crittendon, are you sure? ( explosion ) There she goes! And the tunnel, the convoy, the works! ( gasps ) Hogan, you're wonderful! No one touches the girl! No one.
Oh.
Pity, actually.
Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Carter, I want every minute of the three days you were gone accounted for.
That's the thanks we get for keeping your record intact? Hogan, I will not be diverted.
Well, just look what happened while we were gone.
A British colonel escaped from Stalag 16, and you're complaining.
They'll catch him.
Eh, you're probably right.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
I want every minute accounted for.
Well, it takes time to track down a fox.
Carter? I led them a merry chase, sir, but they were relentless.
Schultz, why did you keep calling from a beer hall? Because there was a telephone? I won't accept that.
But, sir, it was really an exhausting chase.
It may go down in the annals of the all-time great manhunts.
Boy, I was out there in the woods, and I was Carter Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I just have to say it.
You and Schultz were just too much for me, just too much.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Schultz, I am giving you a three-day pass.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan, you will receive two extra pieces of writing paper.
Characteristically generous, sir.
And me, sir? for attempted escape.
Dismissed.
I talk too much? You talk too much.