Hot In Cleveland s03e01 Episode Script

Last season on Hot in Cleveland Are you asking me to marry you? If you'll have me.
You dosed us with dog drugs? Well, not on purpose.
It looks just like the aspirin bottle.
I've just noticed I'm I'm wearing a wedding ring.
Did I get married last night? We don't know.
We don't know what we did last night.
Therefore, by the power vested in me by the province of Ontario We're married! - Elka, don't do it! - Max? Marry me! I should have never let you go.
She's not gonna marry any of you losers.
She's already married to me.
Elka, who is that? My dead husband! - Elka! - Elka? She's not in the guest house.
Where could she be? Snitch! Did they follow you from church? No.
When you ran off, they were still fighting.
Ohh I had something borrowed and something blue.
I didn't think my something old would be my dead husband.
Oh, it's my agent.
But I'm not even gonna take it.
That's how important this situation is.
You poor thing.
You must be in shock.
Yeah, you're right.
It's just gonna be hanging over everyone's head, so I'll just call him back and, you know, just get it over with.
Oh.
You're getting a text.
Oh, why did I teach them to text? Read it.
- LOL.
" - LOL? Oh, he thinks it means lots of love.
Oh, I feel terrible.
I keep picturing him standing at the altar, looking at me with so much LOL.
Oh.
It's Max.
"I've fallenIn love.
And I can't get up.
" OhMax.
He's the Ross to my Rachel.
You have a voicemail too.
Play it.
Hey, runaway bride.
It's your husband.
For 40 years, I've been missing two things from Cleveland, you and the pastrami at Nate's.
To be honest, you're both a little fattier than I remember.
But hey, kid, you're still gorgeous.
And I love ya.
Gimme a buzz, baby.
OhBobby.
I miss his subtle sense of humor.
What are you gonna do? It's all too much, and I have to get away somewhere to think.
I have got the most amazing news.
I'm going to New York.
My agent just booked me to be a guest on that new morning talk show, The Chatter.
That cheesy rip-off of The View? It's not a rip-off.
It's three women discussing vital issues of the day.
How is that different? Well, The View has four.
And that's the best part.
My agent said that The Chatter is looking for a fourth too.
This could be my chance to get back on national television.
I have a great idea.
Why don't we all go to New York? Elka, that'll give you time to think! Just get me out of here before they come after me.
They're slow, but they'll be here.
I still can't get over it.
Everyone in the world wants to marry you, and here I am withering on the vine.
Victoria married you.
It never happened.
We will never speak about our wedding to anyone outside of this room.
I'm not your wife.
You're not my husband.
Well, how come I have to be the husband? I just said it never happened.
It doesn't matter who the husband is.
No, but your instinct was that I was the husband.
You're not listening to anything I'm saying.
Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
It's always me.
Yeah, you two don't seem married at all! Why is my coffee mug empty? It's Tipsy Tuesday.
Wine me, people.
Good.
Dear lord, if you can't make me great today, please make the others terrible.
Victoria had better be good.
She kept me up all night practice interviewing her.
Married two days, and you're already whipped.
By the by, I understand that the producers are looking to add a fourth co-host, and not to toot my own horn, butBeep beep! I have a wildly popular local show-- Oh, hi! Ohio! In fact, I'm sort of the Oprah of the middle east.
I thought Ohio was in the midwest.
I think you're thinking of a different Ohio.
Sorry, hon, but the producers are looking for a gay one.
You know, to compete with the Rosies and the Ellens.
Gay, you say.
And now, angrier than The View and talkier than The Talk, it's The Chatter! Good morning, everybody, and welcome to Soap Opera Week.
We're gonna be talking to all your favorite stars whose shows have been canceled to make room for this show.
So let's meet our first guest chatterbox, shall we, from The Edge of Tomorrow Victoria Chase! Thank you.
Thank you, all.
SoSoap opera cancelled.
- Very sad.
- So sad! You're nobody now! So what's new in your life, sad girl? Well, actually, Christal, I have some very big news.
And I want to say it loud and proud for the first time right here on The Chatter.
I just got married! - Aah! - Oh! That's fantastic! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
To a woman.
Oh, God.
Well, go on with your gay self! Sweet Pinot Grigio! You married five men, and now you're into women? Yes.
Yes, uh, in fact, that's my beautiful bride right over there.
Joy Scroggs-Chase, stand up, honey.
You must be a leg man.
Well, it wasn't her personality I saw from across the room.
You two make a lovely Abomination.
Shut up, Libby.
Joy, you're gorgeous.
But two lipsticks? How does that work? I-- it-- Ooh I see what you mean about the personality.
Joy, what turned you off men? Was it the smell? Or was it their ungodly demand for sex in the morning? What woman wants to stare down that barrel before coffee? Joy and I have sex in the morning all the time.
Don't we, baby? Look, we were at Elka's bachelorette party, and Melanie mixed dog medicine with alcohol, and Andif you really want a juicy story, her husband came back from the dead to stop her getting married! Maybe it's just because I'm on my second bottle of coffee, but I want to hear that! We got to get her up there! Am I right, ladies? And one man? - There's no room.
- We'll make room.
Come on! So let me see if I'm following this.
Your husband faked his own death and hid from the mob, and he didn't tell you? He was trying to protect me.
Aw! You know, as a lesbian thespian, I too know the pain of a life in hiding.
And he left you all that stolen loot to live on? Yes.
But I didn't know that.
Ooh! But why is no one bringing up that a man plays dead for 40 years, then he expects his woman to jump, hmm? She has to jump.
In the eyes of God, she's still married to him.
Yes.
But I'm also in love with Max and Fred.
Ooh-- Really? I mean, come on.
If ever there was an ooh moment So Who are you gonna choose, pretty lady? Ohh I have no idea.
Oh! Good coffee! I can't believe this.
People wants an interview.
Ellen, Conan, Leno-- Oh, my career is taking off.
I only wish I had been brave enough to come out a long time ago.
Oh, God, I love you.
Get your hands off me! I am not speaking to you, and I'm never speaking to you again.
Oh.
My little spitfire.
That's what I'll call her on Leno.
Bobby-- what are you doing here? I'm your husband.
I'm not going anywhere.
Hey, you two, how many lesbians does it take to make me a sandwich? You kidding me? You call this a pickle? No wonder you can't get a man! It's not that I can't get a man, it's-- Oh, never mind.
Cheerio! Now I know why the mob wants to kill that guy.
That's my husband you're talking about.
For now.
We are still going over the pros and cons of Max, Fred, and Bobby.
Yeah, well, I would choose Fred.
I mean, look at that adorable face.
Oh, my Freddy bear.
Really? I choose Max.
I've always had a crush on him myself.
He's all man.
Well, except for his hip.
Titanium.
More wine, darling? How--how many is that? I need this.
I've had a very stressful day.
Yeah, well, I would go easy on that.
You know how you get.
So Who would you choose? Well, I think both Max and Fred are wonderful guys.
Look at how many good qualities you have listed for them.
All you had for Bobby is already married and funny.
Why didn't you write down hot, hot, hot? 'Cause I thought you were joking.
Women find him scrumptious! Him.
Hot, hot, hot.
Write it down.
Even if you do find Bobby hot, hot, hot, I say cross him off.
He faked his death for 40 years.
He won't even tell you where he was! Yeah.
Cross off the first hot.
And he didn't come back when you were arrested.
He only came back because he thought you might be with someone else.
You practically went to prison.
Yeah.
Cross off the second hot.
And he cheated on you with your best friend.
He had a son you never even knew about.
You're right! Cross off funny! Elka.
Okay.
I'll tell him it's all over.
Martin Scorsese saw me on The Chatter.
He wants to have a meeting with me to discuss a character he's developing-- a woman who discovers her true sexuality later in life.
That is my story! Is this character also an idiot? I'm sorry.
I just can't go with you.
SoI guess this is good-bye.
Didn't you used to be a blond? Didn't you used to be something? It's happening Isn't it? The heat.
I'm on fire.
I could roast marshmallows over here.
What are we gonna do about it? Everything! Damn you, you bald ancient Adonis! Enough with the stirring! Why is it ever since we got married everything you do annoys me? Because ever since we've been married, you have been a needy little [Mutters.]
bitch.
What did you just call me? Stop it, you guys! I hate it when you fight.
Oh, see? Now you've upset Melanie.
What has happened to us? This marriage is ruining our friendship.
Hey, boy! "Send more bath oil.
" Elka.
More? She and Bobby have been marinating in that tub for days! Well, I guess when you're as wrinkled as Bobby, it's hard to know how long you've been in the water.
I can't believe she chose Bobby.
I thought for sure she'd choose Max.
Well, you can't compete with first loves.
I mean, she's been romanticizing this relationship for over 40 years.
Yeah.
Obviously, the chemistry's still there.
I mean, we've all done crazy things for great sex.
I miss doing crazy things for great sex.
Aw, don't be sad.
How about I take you out later and buy you something pretty? That'd be nice.
Okay, this Weird.
Guys, I came over to say good-bye.
- Oh, no.
- What are you talking about? Bobby and I are leaving in an hour.
Seriously--you're gonna leave Cleveland and go on the lam with Bobby? Couldn't Bobby hide here from the mob? Oh, he'd always be looking over his shoulder.
And with his bursitis, that'd be very painful.
Well, where are you gonna be hiding? I can't tell you that.
That's what hiding means.
Elka, are you sure this is what you want to do? It's a really big step.
And we're really gonna miss you.
Oh, I'm sure you will.
And now I'd better go Before you three start crying.
Joy, come on.
The taxi's waiting.
Wait--is that what you're wearing? It's Scorsese, not "scores easy.
" Elka gave me that one before she left.
There's nothing inappropriate about this.
- It's fine.
- If we were courting, sure.
But I already bought the cow.
You don't need to give away the milk.
Oh, my God.
I married a wanker.
Hey, guys, Elka left me a message.
- What did she say? - It's what she doesn't say.
I think something's wrong.
Hey, girls, I promised I'd call, so here's my call.
Bobby and I are very happy.
I miss you all.
Even Joy.
Bye.
Well, she sounds sweet, content, upbeat.
See? I told you something's wrong.
I agree.
"Even Joy"? Clearly, it's a cry for help! Well, I'm gonna find her, and if she's as miserable as she's not sounding, convince her to come home.
You'll never convince her.
You're a pushover when it comes to Elka.
I'm the one who can drag her home.
Oh, you and Elka will just fight.
No, no, once again, I have to come along and be the voice of reason.
Just call Scorsese and reschedule the meeting.
I can't believe I just said those words.
It'll make you seem more in demand.
Ah that's the woman I married.
No.
If she had to hide out in the Southwest, couldn't it have been Sedona where all the nice spas are? Chance! Where's Elka? How did you guys find me? Oh, we were searching the guest house for clues when I noticed you had written on a pad next to the phone.
So I took a pencil and I started to lightly shade over the impression, and that's when I realized it was a souvenir pencil from the Happy Shopping Grounds! Shh! Don't let him hear you.
Listen, we don't want to blow your cover, but your message really worried us.
Oh! I knew I shouldn't have said I missed Joy.
Is everything okay? Well I just wanted my marriage to go back the way it was.
- But it didn't? - No, it did! I had just forgotten the way it was.
Other than the raging passion, we don't have a thing in common.
You know what? Then come back with us.
I rented a Prius.
He'll never even hear us leave.
I can't.
He's my husband Even if we have run out of things to say to each other in five days.
Well, that's just sad! Said the woman in the fake gay marriage? Well, at least our fake marriage is based on friendship.
I mean, sure we bicker a bit, and Joy can be a little demanding, but at the end of the day we laugh and we like each other.
Thanks, Victoria.
That's sweet.
And darling, I'm sorry I've been so touchy lately.
Oh, it's okay.
We're good.
I can't believe this.
I'm actually jealous of you two.
Elka, don't you think you deserve the type of marriage these two have? Bobby, we've gotta talk.
This isn't working.
I know.
Whatever we had is as buried as I thought you were.
It was worth a shot.
All we had wasthe heat.
I will miss that.
Well, you know where I am.
Maybe once a year? Sounds good to me.
Any chance you'll get any younger by then? Thanks for leaving me with a laugh.
Love ya, kid.
Love you too.
Right now I could be in a heart-shaped tub in the Poconos with Fred.
What is it with you and baths? I like to be clean.
And dirty at the same time.
You know, maybe you should take a break from men for a while.
No.
I'm not ready to settle down yet.
If there's one thing I learned on the reservation it's that wild horses can't be broken.
Well At least you didn't get married to someone who'd leave you in the middle of a flight to flirt with Portia de Rossi.
Oh, this again? Portia is married to Ellen.
They're lesbian royalty.
It could help my career.
You know, ever since we got married, that's all I ever hear about-- your career! You never think about me.
Women! Am I right?