Hotel Babylon (2006) s03e01 Episode Script

London Town, where reputations and fortunes.
are won and lost in the blink of an eye.
Where you can be a lowly gatekeeper one day.
and the king of the castle the next.
When is a hotel not a hotel? All the time.
Hey presto! A magicians' convention.
A Grand Prix victory celebration.
Or the perfect venue from which to launch.
your new range of high street designer rip-offs.
for cash-strapped girls about town.
For the right price, we'll turn ourselves into whatever you want.
So if you've worked up an appetite on the catwalk.
and want a three-course lunch consisting of six peas a fifth of a carrot and a glass of freshly squeezed celery juice no problem.
If you want to celebrate with enough champagne to drown a horse no problem.
After the show, if you want a bath filled with ass's milk, no problem.
No questions asked except do you want it skimmed or semi-skimmed? In many ways, fashion and hotels go hand in hand.
Look at them all, the beautiful people.
Yes, but are they beautiful on the inside? When they look that good on the outside, who cares? We're both glamorous, image-obsessed and all about the money.
It's Christopher Price.
- Who? - The Chairman of De Rigeur.
He is the only man who can make me look better with my clothes on.
Without De Rigeur, I'd have to think very seriously.
whether I left my flat at night.
Let me make it easy for you.
On behalf of London, don't.
In the hotel business the unwritten rule is that it's never wrong to make money.
And yet sometimes, just sometimes, we are each called upon.
to stand up and be counted.
At such moments, the unwritten rule is put to the test.
For what does it profit a man if he should gain the whole world.
and lose his own soul? Oh, my God! It's the Astrix dress.
Gorgeous.
Go.
So this is what you call a toilet break? I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing what I'm gonna be wearing.
months before every other woman in London.
Are you gonna return to reception where you actually work.
or have we lost you forever? You know, when I was a girl.
people were forever telling my mother that I could be a mod So, Tony, which show do you think would be better for me? Les Mis or Phantom of the Opera? Well, I think that madam would find Les Mis most agreeable.
Oh, sweet Jesus! That is so cute.
Say it again.
- What? - Most agreeable.
- Most agreeable.
- Wonderful! Again.
Most agreeable.
- One more time.
- Madam, at 4:32 pm I officially turn 40 years old.
I beg you, please don't let this be the prevailing memories of my thirties.
Happy birthday! My most agreeable man.
As I was saying before you walked off, I could've been a model.
Aside from your grace, heights and looks, what stopped you? I was trampled by a horse when I was nine.
- That accounts for the looks.
- Broke my left ankle.
and left me with a limp until I was 15 by which time my ambitions had moved on from a living gawked at by men.
Your room key, sir.
You're on the fourth floor.
Enjoy your stay.
Oh, I shall.
I can see you've really moved on.
Sure.
I'm expecting a courier parcel to be delivered any moment.
When it arrives, bring it directly to me.
Ooh, a new top secret design.
incorporating De Rigeur's trademark tiny buttons bringing the show to a rousing finale perchance? Just call me as soon as my parcel arrives.
Yes, sir.
Sir! I couldn't help but notice.
that it says here that you're De Rigeur's European Sales Director.
And? Well, this is gonna sound exceedingly naughty, but your Astrix dress - It's going to be huge.
- It's Oh, my God! It's amazing.
And I was just wondering whether there was just the teeniest chance.
of being able to get my hands on one before it hits the shops.
You want me to find you an Astrix? To be one of the first women to wear it would be I can't tell you what it'd be like Yes, I can.
It would feel utterly amazing.
I will pay for it, of course.
Double if I have to.
- You don't want one of those dresses.
- No, I do.
- No, you don't.
- No, I really, really do.
Look, just call me as soon as my parcel arrives.
Time for a management meeting.
What? - Bloody hell.
- It's her dentist apparently.
- That would explain it.
- What? Why he's polishing her teeth with his tongue.
So, come on, Gino, we're all dying to know, what happened? Well, I read that Vladimir Putin, he learn judo.
So I think I learn judo.
Become a head barman of steel.
What did they do? Put you in with a black belt? No.
They put me in with the kids.
You know, just a beginner.
- So, what? A kid did it? - No, no.
These kids are good.
I'm sweating, so I take a shower, slip on my bar of soap smash my arm on the tap.
Broke in three places.
Surprise! # Happy birthday to you.
# Happy birthday to you.
- # Happy birthday, dear Tony # - That's you.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, Tony.
- Happy birthday, Tony.
- Thank you very much.
Sorry I'm late.
I had an early morning dental appointment.
Oh, you poor thing.
Did you get drilled? - Happy birthday, Tony.
- Thank you, Jackie.
We got you a present.
Ah, I think I know what that is.
After all, I've dropped enough hints.
And what might that be? Digital radio, so I can listen to the footie when I'm on nights.
Oh.
It's a ledger.
- Yeah, so you can write down all your - Yeah.
All my little errands.
Yes.
That's great.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
I'm gonna need that.
because the older I get, you know, the more things I'll forget.
- What we thought.
- Yeah.
# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good # Shut up, Gino.
Before I break the other arm.
- All set for another standing ovation? - Well, who would argue that this year.
hasn't been the dog's bollocks covered in chocolate? - Financially, that's undoubtedly true.
- The only way that counts.
But doesn't there come a point where we have to pause.
to consider precisely how we're able to be as successful as we are? Everything in our garden is rosy, David.
Why do you have to come along unzip your excellently tailored fly, and piss all over the flowers? Look, this issue doesn't have to be negative for the company.
Handled properly, we could actually make a stand.
A tenner says whoever came up with that horse shit.
was never answerable to the bottom line.
Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for the man of the moment Chairman and CEO of De Rigeur Ltd, Mr Christopher Price.
Okay, item two on the agenda.
Jury from the Old Bailey.
They're unable to reach a verdict on a murder case.
So they're gonna stay in the hotel overnight to deliberate.
They'll be booking under the pseudonym the West London Aquarium Association.
The court's requested just one point of contact with our staff.
- For the duration of their stay.
Tony? - Absolutely.
Oh, come on, it's his 40th.
Yeah, I'm sure he's already got something else planned.
Well, I never really went big on birthdays.
Your wife's probably planning on whisking you out for the night.
as soon as you get home.
Well, if she has, she hasn't said anything.
- But wouldn't she anyway as a surprise? - Then it wouldn't be a surprise.
Well, maybe the surprise is in the act of surprising Tony.
Maybe the surprise is what the surprise is actually going to be.
- Have you had a stroke? - Why don't we call her and find out? Charlie, that's really unfair.
Sorry, Jackie, but this could be the start.
of a lucrative new revenue stream for us mid-week.
It's really important that I've got my best man on it.
It's okay, fine.
Give her a call.
Speed dial 2.
Okay.
Item three.
Tonight's banquet for De Rigeur's top brass of major investors.
James? Well, once they've de-rigged the fashion show we can move in and turn the room back into a banqueting suite.
Meanwhile, Adam's well underway with the menu.
Good, good.
I take it you've got your top boys and girls serving up.
- Silver service to a gold standard.
- Did you make that up yourself? Well? Nothing planned.
Tone, the job's yours if you want it.
Quadruple pay, I hasten to add.
- One for each decade.
- Okay.
Yeah, fine, okay.
Right, I'm gonna get to work.
All good? Thanks.
- Welcome to Hotel Babylon, madam.
- My wheel's broken.
Well, I could fix that for you faster than the Lewis Hamilton pit-stop.
I have no idea what you're talking about but if that means you can fix it quickly, then thank you.
Round here they call me the Spanner.
At my old school, that wouldn't have been a good thing.
Perhaps if madam removed her gum she would be able to taste that the wine is most definitely not corked.
I don't wanna talk to you any more.
I wanna speak to your supervisor.
Yeah, almost there.
You know, the President of Russia is a big fan of judo as well, you know.
So when he come over to London he give me the call and I go to the spa with him.
Chewing gum stuck in there - As if by magic.
- What can I say? You're a spanner.
Thank you, madam.
Everything okay, Mr Price? I was just wanting to say how well you vindicated my decision.
to switch from the Burlington this year.
Well, I'm very pleased to hear that.
And assuming tonight's dinner runs as smoothly You have my word on it.
Then in addition to next year's summer launch we'll switch all our events from the Burlington as a matter of course.
Word will spread about this place, Charlie.
I have a lot of the right kind of friends.
I look forward to welcoming them with open arms.
Yes.
- Jury are due in two minutes.
- Okay.
- I'll just give this to Anna.
- It's okay.
I'll do that.
I want you to be here to meet the jury in person.
All right.
So there's your room key.
If you take the lift to the sixth floor and then you turn left.
Thank you, Anna.
This package has been delivered for one of the guests.
Ooh, I've been personally asked to look out for this one.
and then call him on his mobile as soon as it arrives.
Well, it's arrived.
I've been meaning to say, congratulations, Charlie.
- What for? - Rebecca's were tough shoes to fill.
Everyone thinks you've done brilliantly since you took over.
- Thanks, Ben.
I appreciate it.
- I hope you don't think I'm a kiss-arse.
Well, on balance, I'd prefer you kissed it than blew smoke up it.
Oh, hello, Mr Duncan.
- Mr Duncan.
- Oh, thank God! Thank you.
- My DVD.
- Just doing my job.
Look, if I was unpleasant earlier, I just want to apologise.
- I'm under a lot of pressure.
- Oh, no need to apologise.
Pressure is my middle name.
Well, not literally, because that would be ridiculous.
Hang on.
You didn't get this from me, but, let me guess, a perfect size six.
I thought that the only size that was perfect to you guys was a size zero.
Don't believe everything you read in the magazines.
- I don't know what to say.
- Trust me, there's nothing you can say.
Look, if you want it, take it.
It's just I'm rather busy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ben, 13 members of the West London Aquatic Aquarium.
West London Aquarium Club.
- Association.
- Does it really matter? Aquarium Association to check in please.
Certainly, sir.
Cheers.
Does it really not bother you that De Rigeur's success is founded.
on the exploitation of a workforce you've never even seen? We pay the minimum wage for the region.
That's all anyone needs to know.
No.
We pay our factory managers enough.
to pay the workers minimum wage, but they don't.
They dole out corn feed and pocket the rest.
I make high fashion for the high street.
It's a tough market.
This isn't a fair world and, thankfully, I'm not bloody Michael Moore.
Look, this is a DVD of secret footage of our factory.
taken by an NGO in the region.
They're using children.
Our trademark tiny buttons are being sewn on by children as young as six.
David, there are people on the pay roll whose job is to deal with it.
I have it on record.
that the children in our factory get one toilet break every seven hours.
If they ask for food, they're beaten.
This is too big for PR to swallow.
If this gets out, any woman with half a conscience.
would sooner wear rags from a dustbin.
So please, watch the DVD.
You seriously think I've got nothing better to do with my time? You'll like it here.
It's a good place to think about the case.
- Please don't talk about the case.
- I wasn't talking about the case.
You said this was a good place to think about the case.
- It is.
- That's talking about the case.
- Surely, that's talking about thinking.
- About the case.
So? So, it's not your place to talk about thinking about the case.
- My apologies to you all.
- Apology accepted.
And it's not your place to speak on behalf of everyone else.
- I was trying to be nice.
- Are you the foreman of the jury? - You know I'm not.
- Well then? Sixth floor.
Okay, okay.
It's not the first day of the Harrods' sale.
- Thanks.
- Are you all right? - Thank you.
- It's no problem.
They're venting their frustration.
at having to stay here for the night instead of going home.
- It's hardly your fault.
- Well, it is actually.
You can let go of me now.
Oh, my God.
I'm very, very sorry.
I can only apologise.
No apology necessary or required.
I'm Tony, by the way, if you need anything.
Justine.
Who is it? Room service.
Just a minute.
- Oh, you're not Tony.
- Tony's busy.
- Well, I didn't order any room service.
- It's on the house.
Enjoy.
- A white wine, please.
- No problem.
It's very nice.
I hope it's expensive.
- Concierge.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- It's Justine.
- Hello, Justine.
- Is that really you? What? Hang on, I'll check for you.
Yes.
I can confirm that it is me.
What's the name of the alias that the jury's booked in under? The West London Aquarium Club.
Association.
But, yeah, that's close enough.
Tony, I need you to come up to my room.
- What for? - What for? Because I need you.
Now.
- Everything okay? - Oh, I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I mean, you do look fine, as in beautiful, if I may be so Italian.
You don't look fine as in happy.
In fact, the last person to look as unhappy as you was my nonna.
- My grandmother, when she lose her dog.
- Oh.
What happened? Well, she was taking little Benito for a walk.
along the cliff tops near Sorrento.
She throw a stick for him to fetch.
Unfortunately, the stick was caught by a strong gusset of wind.
and it went over the edge of the cliff.
Determined to catch the stick, so did Benito.
- Oh, that's a terrible story.
- But it has a happy ending.
- They found Benito - Alive? No.
He washed up on the shore two days later all broken and no eyes.
But he had the stick in his mouth.
In his last moments, just before, you know, the splat little Benito must have been so pleased that he got that stick.
Now you're smiling.
That's better.
I'm just under a lot of pressure from work.
- What work do you do? - Oh, I'm a journalist.
I'm doing a piece about the little scams people get up to in the workplace.
But everyone I've spoken to in the hotel.
is too scared to reveal their wicked little secrets.
Okay, look.
Because you have the most beautiful eyes I ever saw I will tell you a little secret.
Vote not guilty tomorrow and you'll find 100 times as much.
in the following bank account.
- What's all this about? - I'm being nobbled.
I can see that.
But why you? Nine of the jurors voted guilty, two are convinced he's innocent.
I think he's probably guilty but there's not enough evidence for a safe conviction.
The reason we're staying over tonight is because I can't make up my mind.
Well, if you think it's not a safe conviction, you got to say not guilty.
Then we don't get a majority verdict, the case gets thrown out of court.
and a possible murderer walks free.
I don't think I can live with that on my conscience.
Well, obviously this 500,000 is designed to ease your conscience.
- What do I do? - I'm merely here to serve, not advise.
Come on, Tony, help me.
- What are you doing? - I'm helping you by giving you a drink.
- There.
- Thanks.
A lesser man would've just given me the bottle.
Drink.
Okay, now what? Okay, before you do anything let's find out if this is true.
Be careful.
- I'm only gonna check my computer.
- Well, don't delete anything important.
- Charlie, can I talk to you? - What about? What do you know about De Rigeur? Only what I needed to to woo them from the Burlington.
What, so you don't know anything about how they make their clothes.
- Or their treatment of the workforce? - What are you talking about? You know that package that was delivered? Apparently, it's secret footage.
- Of slave labour, child abuse - Hang on.
James, I managed to get hold of the vintner.
He's gonna give us the same volume of Cristal.
at the Moet price for tonight's banquet.
Keep this up and we'll have to start calling you Midas.
Charlie You really need to stop listening to idle gossip.
Charlie, no one loves their clothes more than me, so I don't take this lightly.
when I say I think you need to tell them to leave.
Anna, I can't do this with you any more.
I'm the general manager now.
And there is no way I'm gonna jeopardise the hotel.
over some tittle-tattle you've overheard.
I get it.
Winning this from the Burlington is a really big deal for you.
Not just for me, for the hotel as well.
I know I'm the last person you'd expect to care about anyone else Absolutely the very last.
Now, I have to go and do some serious work.
And if you take a look down.
Look down.
You'll see you're wearing a uniform which means you have to go and do some work, too.
Looking for something below the knuckles? - What? - What is it? - Paris Hilton having sex for money? - I'm checking the weather, Gino.
But you work inside all day.
Yeah, but I like to know what's going on outside, don't I? I gotta give the guests advice, umbrellas, parasols.
You take this job way too seriously, my friend.
Jesus H Christ and the disciples.
Even if any of what you say is true, De Rigeurs pay good money - Phenomenally good money, to stay - Blood money.
My job is to manage the hotel, Anna, not make moral judgment on our clients.
That was spoken like a true whore.
I trust you'll take that back almost immediately.
Where would you draw the line, Charlie? Who would you be prepared to throw out? What, a South London villain? Na.
A corrupt stockbroker? Definitely not.
Arms dealer? Doubt it.
Murderer? Why would you? Child abuser? If you found out that a guest staying in this hotel.
was a child abuser, would you let them stay? Have you gone completely mad? One way or another, Christopher Price is knowingly allowing children.
to be abused in his name.
Jesus Christ, Anna.
You can't say things like that.
Well, if it's true, why not? You have to throw them out.
Mr Edwards.
I need to speak with you.
In private.
Of course.
- May I take your order? - What's your special? Today, half a dozen Swedish oysters, followed by quail with fennel mash.
Sounds marvellous.
- And to drink? - What would you recommend? May I suggest a bottle of the Cotes de Chaalis? Merci, madame.
Mon plaisir.
But don't go swapping the labels for a bottle of old plunk, okay? - Madam, please.
- Oh, come off it.
There isn't a sommelier worth their salt who I'm not offended that you think I might do that.
I'm offended that you think that I might do that.
to someone of your obvious distinction.
So What is the greatest vintage wine you've ever rescued? Well That would have to be a bottle of Pétrus.
from some ghastly soap actor who asked for, and I quote "The most expensive bottle of grape shit you've got.
" You swapped the labels.
I'm afraid I did a little more than merely swap the labels.
- Oh, wickedness.
- Perhaps just a little.
Mr Duncan, what's going on? I'm being escorted from the building, enjoy the dress.
- Anna.
- What, so he's being kicked out? Price has just informed me that David Duncan has been sacked for misconduct.
He wants him off the property immediately.
Well, that just proves everything that I told you.
He's obviously watched the film and rather than act against what he's seen he's acted against the person who made him see it.
Please.
Can you just Charlie, unless you want this hotel to be known as the venue choice.
for unethical corporations, you have to do something about this.
More often than not, the moment we're asked to step forward.
and do the right thing is not accompanied.
by fanfare or blinding light.
More often than not, it comes with a simple look.
That look is a question.
The question is, "Are you who I thought you were.
"or are you something less?" We recognise the question immediately and ask it of ourselves.
"Am I the person I thought I was or am I something less?" - Who is it? - Me, Tony.
If it's really Tony, then come in using your key card.
Well? - You're not gonna believe this.
- Oh, my God.
It's true? If you vote not guilty, tomorrow night you could be worth.
whatever it is you're worth now, plus £500,000.
Of course, you're not going to take it.
- Of course not.
- You're going to report it to the clerk.
Of course I am.
Well, 40 years, you think you've seen everything.
Unbelievable.
- You're not 40.
- Yes, I am.
Today, in fact.
No.
You're working on your 40th birthday.
I was needed, so I offered.
Your wife didn't insist that you took the day off to celebrate? You would have thought so.
- I'd better get back to work.
- Well, hang on.
My understanding was that your job was to look after us.
Well, you've got my number.
If you need anything, give me a call.
I'm sure I'll think of something.
Bloody hell.
Gentlemen.
How are we? I really can't do this cloak and dagger stuff any more.
I'm not asking you to do it.
I'm just asking you to stand guard while I do it.
- Which makes me an accomplice.
- Which makes you a man of conscience.
I worked really hard to become the manager here.
What on earth am I doing? If Nelson Mandela thought like you, would apartheid ever have been smashed? Remind me which hotel he managed.
All we need to do is take the DVD and then we skedaddle.
Please, Charlie.
Okay.
If I knock three times, that means get out immediately.
Right.
See, it's all coming flooding back to you.
Take the lift to the fifth floor and turn right.
Enjoy your stay.
- Can I help you, madam? - Smile, look at me and listen.
- Why? - I'm a journalist for a Sunday tabloid doing an exposé on the way five star guests treat lower grade staff.
in the service industry.
Pass me a map of London's theatreland and pretend we're having a conversation.
- I'm not lower grade staff.
- You know what I mean.
Now randomly point to various theatres as I ask you questions.
Which Sunday tabloid did you say you're from? Oh, I didn't.
But you'll find out soon enough.
- Question number one.
- A-ha.
What's the worst name you've ever been called by an irate guest in this hotel? Lady, I'm black, I'm gay.
Where do you want to start? Evening.
Great.
Where are you? Where are you? Oh.
Ah, Mr Price.
Good evening.
I just wanted to check that everything was to your satisfaction downstairs.
Not a fork out of place.
Excellent.
Just a quick thing.
You're giving a speech tonight, I heard.
My job to keep the troops happy.
May I ask you what form that's gonna take? Any tips you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
I always like to start with something a bit near the knuckle.
Now, last year, I told a gag about a Jewish man.
who rings his useless tailor to congratulate him on his daughter.
She's the only thing the tailor's made that's ever fitted him.
Smut on its own, no, no, no, no.
Clever smut works a treat.
Do you mind if I just make a quick - I love a smutty one.
Brilliant.
- Now, if you'll excuse me.
What do you do for stress? Do you play golf? Stupid cow! Golf! No, it's snooker for the long-sighted.
Golf is shite.
No, I have a little maxim that I've followed for years.
I absolutely love maxims.
After lunch, sleep a while.
After dinner, walk a mile.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna make a note of that as well.
- After lunch - Sleep a while.
After dinner, walk a mile.
- I'm gonna use that.
- You should.
Churchill fought a war on it.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Of course.
- You could've been caught.
- Never gonna happen.
If there's one thing I can do better than anyone.
it's hiding in a guest's room without them ever knowing I'm there.
That's not a good thing, you know.
Charlie, if this contains what I think it contains you've gotta promise me that you won't just shrug it off.
Let's just see it first.
No.
Promise me you'll do something.
I promise.
If it's as damning as you say it is, of course I'll do something.
Thank you.
Hello.
So you're telling me it's not unusual to come into a bathroom.
after a guest has left and find that all the fixtures and fittings.
have been completely stripped out? For sure.
Because we have good stuff, they take it.
My readers will find that extraordinary.
- And what about you? - Me? The little things you get up to on the job.
We might sometimes take drink from mini-bar and replace it with tea.
Or if we hungry, we take bite from chocolate.
But we fold foil over so it looks like we haven't.
But that's really nothing.
- What's going on? - I'm doing interview.
- What? - I'm writing an article.
for Caterer and Hotel Keeper magazine about the rise in theft from hotels.
Not on her time, you're not.
Get back to work please, Tanya.
But I didn't tell her about chambermaid who used to work here.
Tried to steal plasma television by lowering it over balcony.
- To her husband in a van below - And you're not going to.
Out.
- Rope snapped, van dead.
- Out.
I don't want to get anyone into any trouble but I find that talking to staff directly usually elicits more candour.
than going through the proper channels.
I'm Emily James, by the way.
You might've seen my byline in the magazine.
I don't read it.
Concierge.
Hello.
# Happy birthday, Mr Concierge.
# Happy birthday to you # Thank you very much.
Well, don't thank me, Tony, until you've come up for your present.
So I'm behind the bar and she's, well, you know I can detect a lady in distress at 500 metres.
So can a great white shark.
The final outcome for the woman is frighteningly similar.
And I think, "Hey, Gino cheer her up.
" So, I tell her the story about my nonna and her dog.
- You know, when he jump over the cliff.
- Oh, how she must have laughed.
Yeah, she did actually.
Then we were talking about work.
And, well, boys and girls, if I was to go to her room.
and knock on the door, she would invite me in.
She spoke to you about your job? Yeah, mainly about my job and also the little tricks I get up to.
- That's funny.
- No, not funny.
Very sexy.
A woman spoke to me about my job.
- So? - About how rude guests can be to me.
and what I might do to get them back.
With me, it was how much they steal and other things.
I told her about the time I had some fun with a bottle of wine.
to see if an obnoxious customer could taste the difference.
You think all of these women could be.
the same woman? So, who is she then? I don't know, but I think we need to find out.
Mr Duncan, thank you for coming back.
Well, it was either that or finish clearing out my desk.
- We saw the film.
- Well, that was It's a long story.
And we'd like to help you try and give it something of a happy ending.
- But how? - Stage one.
You need to look the part.
Perfect.
Are you sure you're happy for me to do this? What we saw in the film is wrong, Mr Duncan so if this is how to stop that, I don't see we have any choice.
I've spoken to the banqueting manager.
Anybody asks, you're a temp brought in for the evening.
Won't people know that I'm not a waiter when I drop food everywhere? - He's thought of that.
- Yes, I have.
Stage two.
All you need to remember is that you serve from the left.
and you take away from the right.
Serve from the left, take away from the right.
And the secret of being a good waiter? Well, there really is no secret, you just need good manners.
and look as if you're passionate about what you're doing.
But not too passionate 'cause otherwise it looks like you have.
an unnatural attraction to food.
Right, I don't know how to do silver service.
Stage three.
Ah, bingo.
Ten minutes' practice and you'll be good enough to serve at The Ritz.
Good luck.
Justine? Justine? I thought a birthday celebration was in order.
Well, I've heard people describe themselves as speechless before but I always thought they just had a limited vocabulary.
I truly don't know what to say, except thank you.
- My pleasure.
- No, really, thank you.
No one has ever done anything like this for me before.
Let's have a toast.
To 40 years in the business.
Well, actually I've only been a door-opening lackey for 22 years.
The business of life, Tony.
Happy birthday.
- That was - Too much? Well, I was going to say very nice.
Well, if it was very nice then How about this? Service.
Service.
- That's good.
Just keep it even.
- Come on, move it guys.
Go on.
Good luck.
You bloody idiot, look what you've done! - Do you know how much this suit costs? - I can't apologise enough.
We will, of course, have everything properly cleaned.
That's being taken out your wages.
Get back to the kitchen now.
Maybe I can take you to the bathroom, sir.
We'll clean What did your clerk say about the money? I have a question for you first.
Am I having a lovely time? I'm having a wonderful time.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
No.
My question was, what would you do with half a million pounds? - That's a good question.
- I thought so.
I would move to Brazil live like a king within about five minutes' walk of the Copacabana beach.
- Me, too.
I'd go to South America.
- Really? Cuba.
Well, technically speaking, that's part of the Caribbean but it's the same neck of the woods.
Great place, Cuba.
Great boxers, wonderful cigars, salsa.
- I would love to learn to salsa.
- We could open up a beach bar.
- Or a salsa school.
- I can't dance.
In Rio, everyone can dance.
With half a million quid behind us.
- Let's do it.
- Absolutely.
Are you serious? Well, I've got a tiny confession to make.
Go on.
Sort of haven't told the clerk about the £500,000 bribe.
You sort of haven't? Well, I just couldn't get the thought out of my mind.
that I was probably going to vote not guilty anyway.
So why not just do it and change my life for the better at the same time.
- Because it would be highly illegal.
- Life's frighteningly short, Tony.
You know, fate offers up these opportunities very rarely.
- Well, it never offers them up to me.
- Gotta seize the day.
Which day? Tomorrow.
I'm gonna vote not guilty, I'm gonna take the money.
and I'm gonna live the dream in Havana.
If you make it Rio, you can count me in.
Really? Well, life begins at 40 and I am 40.
I wanna live my life for once.
I wanna live for myself not Not just exist at others' beck and call.
This isn't just the drink talking? Well, if it is, it's making perfect sense.
- To Rio.
- To Rio.
- I'm so excited! - Me too, me too.
Shall we go inside? Why don't we sit out here for a little while? Friends.
What a year! People often come up and ask me "How come you can sell your clothes at such a low price?" I say, "Mind your own business.
" Our pre-eminence is not by fluke.
It's by design.
We have outflanked our competitors on every front.
We have built our success from the ground up.
by sticking to the basic principles of every successful business.
Giving people what they want.
Now, look for a moment, if you will, at what is making you very, very rich.
- What the hell is that? - What? That is our factory.
Earlier this afternoon I was fired because I wanted to do something.
about this abomination.
You have no authority to address this meeting.
- Let him speak.
- Who said that? Ladies and gentlemen, this is how De Rigeur is able to sell.
- its wonderful designs so cheaply.
- This man was sacked this afternoon.
because he threatens the success of our company.
We've all heard the rumours and we all turned away.
and hoped they weren't true, but they are.
It's time to face the fact Don't listen to him, ladies and gentlemen.
Cut! Cut! it isn't built from the ground up on sound business principles but on the shoulders of beaten children.
- who are so young that they can - Get security! thread a needle, but they can't yet read and write.
Shut your mouth! If you want profit at any cost, then sit there and listen to Christopher.
just like you did last year and the year before that.
But we can do this the right way.
Make a stand right here, right now.
This man is an arsehole.
He's trying to steal your money.
He snuck in here like a rat to undermine your confidence in me.
To give you a sob story Hey, you, sit down.
Sit down.
I order you to sit down.
How much have I given to you? I've made you rich.
I have blessed your miserable little lives.
with wealth beyond your wildest dreams.
Come back here, you bastards.
Come back here and listen to me.
- Charlie! - I'm talking to you! Choose the difficult right instead of the easy wrong.
That's not Churchill, my old mum.
I want you out of my hotel first thing.
Can I say something? - Not right now.
- Why not now? 'Cause that really hurt my hand.
- What time is it? - It's too early to be awake.
What are you doing? Wondering how long it takes to learn to salsa.
Not long.
Thank you for staying.
Good to see you.
We'll speak later.
Hi.
If you want the real deal on this place, follow me.
- I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Thank you.
Enjoyment was hardly the point, but thank you.
Mr Price.
As you ceased to be a part of De Rigeur's booking last night I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to settle your bill personally.
If you'd like to step this way.
- I had a lovely time last night.
- Yeah, me too.
Come along.
Justice awaits.
I'll see you at noon.
Tony, this arrived for you last night, but no one could find you.
- Yeah, I was I was busy upstairs.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Can I get you a cab, sir? - No.
Very well.
Have a nice day.
- Tony.
- Yeah.
Jackie and the girls clubbed together to give you a gift.
A digital radio.
Thank you very much, thank you.
- Where are you taking me exactly? - You'll see.
- In here? - Yeah.
Jackie and friends.
Who are you and what do you want with my team? - The truth? - Would be nice.
I'm not a journalist.
I didn't ask you what you're not.
I asked you who you are.
I'm your new public relationships manager.
My what? All the very top hotels have them.
I'm sorry if I deceived you all.
But when I take on a new project, I like to go in under the wire.
and see how the land really lies.
and what the people who plough that land are really like.
And what are we really like? Taking this hotel to the next level is gonna be a lot of fun.
Pull another stunt like this and I personally guarantee that it won't.
We'd like your tape recorder.
Oh, no, I shan't use any of the information.
if that's what you're worried about.
That's reassuring.
We'd like your tape recorder.
Fine.
- Okay, we can delete - Come on.
I was going to reveal my identity this morning.
In my defence, I never lied about my name.
Big deal.
I don't appreciate being taken for a fool.
We're a team, Miss James.
We trust one another, we rely and look out for each other.
After your little display, I wonder who's gonna look out for you.
What a tramp.
I know you think you don't need me, Charlie.
I don't.
I can show you how to handle the Christopher Prices of this world.
without resorting to fisticuffs.
Off you go.
Most of the time we bob along on thinking focusing only on our own private path.
But every now and again someone crosses our path and demands that we look up.
and smell the roses.
- Thank you.
- What for? You're a good man, Charlie.
Soon.
Not now, but soon.
- I'll hold you to that.
- Please do.
In the past, Hotel Babylon has prided itself.
on providing whatever you want, no questions asked.
But that was then and this is now.
best present in the world.
Me, you and the kids at the Emirates every other Saturday.
I couldn't think of anything better.
Are you sure you liked it? You must have thought we'd all forgotten.
- No, I loved that it was a surprise.
- I felt awful.
Thinking you lot didn't care made it all the sweeter.
when I saw how much you did.
- I'm so pleased.
- I gotta go, love.
The boss is coming.
- Okay, see you later, yeah? - Yeah, definitely.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
We all love you very much.
- Yeah, very much.
- Bye.
- The boss is coming? I'm still Charlie.
- Oh, yeah? Everything changes, Tone, but everything stays the same.
Well, that's way too deep for me, mate.
Well, that's because you're getting old.
I wanted to say thank you for yesterday.
Above and beyond the call of duty.
I won't forget it.
No problem.
Getting old? Cheeky sod.
Have you seen this? Buckle yourselves in, boys and girls, 'cause we're in for a shit storm.
Oh, my God, it's Otto Clark.
Anything you want, Anna will get it for you.
Anything? Crawfield is in the building.
- Maybe next time.
- A cook-off! He's here.
I hope you've left your fangs in a little box at home.
Please stay.
Your grill jockey wants to take me and you and this entire hotel down with him.
Will we, won't we? It's making me unhappy and I'm a happy person.
So, um, I'm gonna hand in my resignation tomorrow morning.