iCarly s03e01 Episode Script

Next, on iCarly We want to show you guys an awesome new product for sale.
You've all seen that stupid commercial for that crazy blanket with the sleeves, right? Well, we found something even crazier and stupider.
And we don't mean Freddie.
Right up there.
Look.
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My blanket keeps flying off my body.
Well, forget blankets, 'cause now there's The sack.
The sack? With the sack, you'll stay warm and cozy while doing all the fun things you enjoy, like You enjoy, like Even enjoying hot bowls of chowder.
Made of a super-soft, thick, luxurious fabric of some sort, the sack comes in rash red, mucus green, pus yellow or blue.
Order now, and you'll also get this photo of a 1996 penny.
Hey, nice sacks.
We know.
All right.
Now, lately at iCarly, we've been thinkin' about See, kids don't eat enough vegetables these days.
So we're gonna set a good example.
Watch this.
Ow.
What's wrong? I don't know.
Oh my God, you lost a tooth.
See what you get for eatin' vegetables? In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know, you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and it's time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me (leave it all to me) Ow, ow.
Ah Stop that.
Come on, I'm hungry.
But you just had a tooth fall out.
You can't be eating corn on the cob.
Ah, what's the big shizz? It's normal for teeth to fall out.
Yeah, when you're five.
Or ninety.
How long has it been since you went to a dentist? I don't know, two Twelve years.
What? Years? You're supposed to go every six months.
Yeah, I'll add that to my list of things that'll never happen.
Ow.
Hey, you guys, which one of these shirts do you think I should wear tomorrow? To where? Prison.
Prison? Oh my God, what did you download? Nothing.
Yeah, nothing.
That's not why I'm going to prison.
Then why? To teach art.
I volunteered for this program where people help prisoners learn valuable skills so when they get out, they won't have to go back to a life of crime.
Sure.
Why would a dude Rob a bank when he can build a robot out of soda bottles? Hey, is she eating my corn? That was the last piece of corn.
No, she's not.
But she is going to see a dentist.
Hey, what's on this corn, barbecue sauce? Sam's blood.
All right, Sam, just sit here and let me adjust this for you.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doin', lady? She's just gonna have you lie down.
Oh.
Well I do like lyin' down.
And I'll just put this around your neck.
What, are we having ribs? No.
See, when the dentist starts drilling into your teeth-- drilling my teeth? No.
No.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
Help me! Hey, hey, hey, girls, girls, girls.
Hi, doctor Wheeler.
This is my friend Sam.
She's a little nervous.
I'm way nervous.
She hasn't been to a dentist since-- she hasn't been to a dentist.
Sam, there's nothing to be nervous about.
There better not be.
Why don't you go sit in the waiting room, and I'll get Sam's teeth all fixed up.
Okay.
Stay blonde.
Stay brown.
Stop! No.
Help us! Thank you, officers.
I'll take it from here.
You sure you don't want us to stay? Nah.
If I'm gonna teach these guys about art, I need to show them that I trust them.
Whatever you say.
If you need us, just yell.
No worries.
Hello, gentlemen.
My name is Spencer, and I'm gonna be teaching you guys about sculpting.
Ah! Specifically-- ah! Help me! Help me! Help me! Sorry.
We should've warned you about that guy.
He's always trying to kill somebody.
Yeah, that would've been good to know.
Yeah.
As I was saying, I'm gonna teach you guys about sculpting, which, of course, is art.
Now, I think of art as a physical expression of emotion.
So, let's start by talking about the emotions you guys are feeling right now.
Stabbing.
Stabbing isn't really an emotion.
It's more of an activity that I hope you don't do to me.
See, an emotion is more of a feeling.
Well, maybe, I feel stabby.
So, sculpting-- why don't we come up with an idea for a sculpture we can all build together? A knife.
No.
Let's think of something big and not deadly.
How about a big pair of pants? Okay, we all seem excited about that, so great, sure.
Let's sculpt a big pair of pants.
Hey.
He wants to apologize for trying to kill you.
All right.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
Ah! Apology accepted! Ooh, her teeth look good.
Yep.
I replaced the missing tooth and filled three other cavities.
You hear that, Sam? You're blurry, pretty blurry girl.
Why is she giggly? We had to give her some nitrous oxide to calm her down.
Nitrous? Laughing gas.
She'll be a little loopy for awhile.
Now come on, let's go check her x-rays.
How ya doin'? Okay.
But we need to get out of here.
I gotta go to the dentist.
We're at the dentist.
Whoa.
That was fast.
Oh man, it's gone.
What's gone? My thumb.
It was there a second ago.
Here.
See? Your thumb came back.
Oh yeah.
What's so funny? You.
You're acting all loopy from the gas the dentist gave you.
Oh.
Hey.
What? Come here.
Come here.
What is it? I wanna tell you a secret.
Okay.
Come here.
I'm already here.
What's the secret? I like fried chicken.
It's not a secret that you like fried chicken.
I know.
I got scared to tell you my real secret.
Just tell me.
Okay.
Come here.
I already come here'd.
You know that kid, Freddie? Yes, I know Freddie.
We kissed.
What? Me and Freddie kissed.
You know You and Freddie really kissed?! Shhhh! Don't tell Carly.
Thanks for taking me to the dentist.
I can't understand you with all that cotton in your mouth.
Thanks for taking me to the dentist.
I'm hungry.
Hey, the dentist said you can't eat for three hours.
It's okay, it'll be our little secret.
Yeah, not our only little secret.
What do you mean? Uh, do you not remember what you told me at the dentist? Nah, it's all a blur-- just like third through ninth grade.
Hey, I'm home from prison.
Hi.
All right, you people have no food.
I'm gonna make a run to pink bunny.
You guys want yogurt? No.
No thanks.
So, how was teaching sculpting to prisoners? Well, it started off pretty interesting when one of my students tried to kill me with his bare hands.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Fun? Later.
What's fun about a psychotic-- Sam and Freddie kissed.
Ah.
What did you just say? The dentist gave Sam this loopy gas, and she was all, "me and Freddie kissed".
No way.
Give me the deets.
I don't have any deets.
'Cause after she told me, she whispered, "shhh.
Don't tell Carly.
" Why would she tell you not to tell yourself? I don't know.
It was the gas talkin'.
She doesn't even remember she told me.
So now, I know this insane secret that I'm not supposed to know and she doesn't even know that I know and why wouldn't she want me to know? Okay, calm down.
Never tell a girl to calm down.
Guys always tell girls to calm down and it never works.
It just gets us all whipped up.
You see me all whipped up now, it's 'cause you told me to calm down.
You know, most guys have to get married to suffer this kind of abuse.
Can you believe Sam and Freddie kissed, and they didn't tell me? Maybe they didn't.
But why would Sam lie? I'm not sayin' she lied.
When you're on that wacky gas, sometimes you don't know what you're saying.
Well, Sam did think her thumb was missing.
Was it? No.
So, then Sam and Freddie probably didn't kiss.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's no way Sam wouldn't tell me if that really happened.
And there's no way that would happen.
All right then.
Now, you wanna hear about my day in prison? No, I'm good.
I like the way you touched my head Freddie.
So why would you choose him instead Freddie.
Girl who cuts my hair Freddie.
Ah.
Why so jumpy? 'Cause you blasted me in the head with pressurized air.
I was here, I know what happened.
So, how'd Sam do at the dentist? Like you'd expect.
She bit him? Four times.
He may lose part of his finger.
But then, the dentist gave her some of that wacky g.
Nitrous oxide? Mm-hmm.
And then What? Oh, she started saying some pretty weird stuff.
Weird how? Like, she thought her thumb was missing.
Was it? No.
And then She said that you two kissed.
So she really thought her thumb was missing? That's so crazy.
And she said you two kissed.
I'm comin', mom.
Your mom didn't call you.
I heard the whistle.
Is what Sam said true? No.
I'm sure she has both her thumbs.
Did you and Sam kiss? Tell me.
No.
Whoa.
When did you get so strong? Same time the voice got lower.
Did you and Sam kiss? Okay.
Yes, it's true.
Sam and I kissed.
Oh my God.
I was bummed about never kissing anyone.
And I was out on the balcony, and Sam came out, and she said she'd never kissed anyone either, and then we ended up kissing.
Oh my God.
It was just one time.
Except for that other time, but that might have been Sam's twin sister.
I'm still fuzzy on the whole Melanie thing.
You guys are my best friends.
How come neither one of you told me? We promised each other 'd never speak of it again.
Oh, man, I've en speaking of it again.
I'm calling Sam right now.
No.
If you tell Sam I told you, she'll kick me in places that should never be kicked.
I have to talk to her about this.
Then you got to get her to tell you it happened.
Just let me call.
No, you cannot-- just one phone call.
Do not call.
I'll just talk to her right now.
She's going to destroy me.
Okay.
All right, I'd say this sculpture is just about finished.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A seven-foot tall pair of pants.
Yeah.
Really nice.
I wanna stab 'em.
You know, I just wanna sa I'm really proud of you guys 'cause instead of stealing or beating or stabbing, you worked as a team and built this large pair of pants together.
Well, we owe it all to you, Spence.
To Spencer.
To Spencer.
Thank you.
Cheers.
This punch is really good.
You made this yourself? Mm-hmm.
In my own toilet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go disinfect my mouth.
Quick.
Help us get in the pants.
Yo, what up, kiddo? Just stuff.
Hey, check out the sculpture my prisoners made with me.
Nice.
But why'd you bring it home? Well, I was gonna leave it with them, but they really wanted me to have it.
I think they really liked me.
How come you're all sweaty? 'Cause I had to lug this thing all the way up here.
Weird, it's a lot heavier than I thought it would be.
I'm gonna go to the armenian bakery across the street.
Why? For some lama-june.
Wanna come? What's lama-june? Some kinda food.
I'll pass.
Bye.
Hi.
Hey.
See you.
Whatever.
All right, I'm here.
Where's the bacon-flavored ice cream? There is no bacon-flavored ice cream.
But your text said-- I made it up.
But I brought my big spoon.
How can you-- what up with the gigantic pants? Listen.
Okay.
We're best friends, right? Of course.
And best friends don't keep secrets from each other, do they? Why, what'd you do? Is it bad? Did you finally do something bad? Holy crab, I le this.
I didn't do anything bad.
Then why are you keeping it a secret? I'm not the one keeping secrets.
All right, you can have your 20 bucks back.
What 20 bucks? That I took out of your purse.
You took You Sam.
Well, at least it's not a secret anymore.
That wasn't the secret I was talking about.
So I can keep the 20? No.
Why didn't you tell me that you and Freddie kissed? I-- hey, can I run upstairs for a second and install these-- you spoke of it.
Leave me alone, Sam.
No.
Let me go.
Let me-- you swore you'd never tell anyone we kissed.
I didn't.
You told me.
I never told you anything about-- yeah, you did.
When you were all hopped up on wacky gas.
Oh.
You know, I tell you guys everything, so it really makes me feel, like, betrayed that my two best friends made out and then didn't even-- no, we didn't make out.
It wasn't like that.
We just did it to do it, you know? Well, I just think that best friends should be open with each other.
I just wish that one of you would've told me so I didn't have to find out by Hello.
Hiya.
Hey.
You're prisoners? Used to be.
And you guys were inside the pants? Mm-hmm.
Well, you do realize we have to call the police.
Yeah, I guess.
But before you do that, you guys got any duct tape? Why did y tell them where the duct tape was? I don't know.
I was trying to be helpful.
Yeah, you helped 'em, all right.
Well, it's Freddie's fault.
When you see prisoners escaping, you don't announce that you're gonna call the cops.
"Well, you do realize we have to call the police.
" Man, this duct tape is really strong.
I hate being restricted.
Don't worry.
Soon we'll all be free and then I'll turn my back and you guys can resume kissing behind it.
We promised no more secrets.
Never again.
From now on, we all tell each other everything.
All right? You'll tell me everything? Yeah.
Swear.
How long was it? What? How long did you guys kiss? I don't know.
Like seven seconds? Seven, eight? Oh.
And was it fun? Fun? Yeah.
I mean, did you guys, you know, like it? Carly, where's my banjo? Over there by your robot, but-- yeah.
Whew.
Why do you need your banjo all of a sudden? 'Cause I was just across the street at that armenian bakery, and I met this girl there buyin' some lama-june, so I start chattin' her up, turns out she loves banjo music.
She's gonna freak.
Okay.
We've got to get out of this.
On three? One two Three.