iCarly (2021) s03e01 Episode Script

1
ALL: Ooh!
Look, Freddie.
Spit-shined and ready to go.
Wait.
(GARGLES, SPITS)
Just needed a little more spit.
Ooh, is this one of those
edible arrangements?
(SPITS) No.
So, are you nervous?
(SCOFFS)
Does LeBron James get nervous
before the big game?
Are you LeBron James in this situation?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I'm the one who convinced
these two to give it a shot,
but you don't see anyone
giving me a diamond.
Do you think they'll give me a diamond?
Oh, Millicent, this isn't about you.
Now let me stand to your right
so I get my good side in the pictures.
Oh, I got it.
(CHUCKLES): Yes!
It's covered in my mother's spit.
It really is.
"Hello, Carly. We haven't
spoken in three weeks,
so let me just say
something weird to you".
Uh, is this an intervention?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Fine, Marissa.
It is me eating your makeup,
but I can stop any time I want!
Lewbert Robinette Patricia Sline
(WHISPERS): Robinette Patricia?
(WHISPERS): I know. I love it.
Lewbert, my Big Sline,
- my Sline Ball.
- Uh
Will you make me the happiest
mother of Freddie on earth?
(SCREAMING)
Is that a no?
(OTHERS CLAPPING)
I want what they have.
- Do you?
- Not really.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Hey, Freddie
- Oh, yay! - Hi.
- Hi.
Pearl's here! Everybody, look!
It's Pearl and she's here!
A toast to Pearl!
Who is here!
Ah.
Thanks,
- but Freddie is all the toast that I need.
- Aw.
(GROANS) These are both empty.
I'm engaged!
I'm gonna dig up my mom
and laugh in her face!
Aw, another couple as happy as we are.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Sad I missed it.
Oh, hey, no prob,
I caught the whole thing.
(CHUCKLES): It looks like
Freddie is proposing to Carly.
You want me to text it to you?
(CHUCKLES): If you had been here,
you would have laughed and laughed,
or made the face
you're making right now.
I know ♪
You see ♪
Somehow the world will change for me ♪
And be so wonderful ♪
So wake up the members of my nation ♪
It's your time to be ♪
There's no chance
unless you take one ♪
And the time to see
the brighter side ♪
Of every situation ♪
Some things are meant to be ♪
So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪
So, what'll it be?
Wine and crying, or
whiskey and light violence?
You're sweet, but it's just gonna be
my regular nightly routine
drinking kombucha from a wine glass
and watching videos of soldiers
reuniting with their dogs.
I'm fine.
Really? 'Cause that was
more awkward than
when we had to tell Millicent
her goldfish moved to Canada
for the health care.
Which part?
Almost proposing to Carly
after not talking to her
for three weeks?
My girlfriend walking in right after?
My mom getting engaged to the
adult man I bullied as a child?
Pearl outright refusing my offer
to text her that video?
So, you and Carly really didn't talk
the entire time you were gone?
Of course we didn't.
He was on a super romantic road trip.
With my girlfriend.
Pearl thought Carly and I were in love,
and I want it to work
with Pearl, so I said,
"Let's get in the car and just drive".
- (CHUCKLES) Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You know, spontaneous, romantic.
A logistical nightmare.
Who's driving? Where are you staying?
How long are you milking
one pair of underwear?
It was just what we needed.
That and couples therapy
four times a week.
Mm. I can't do therapy.
Too smart for it.
They're so committed.
I mean, paying $200 an hour
to someone who knows
what the problem is
but refuses to tell you?
Freddie and Pearl are thriving.
Okay, but what about Freddie and Carly?
When he ran after Pearl on his birthday,
you waited up for him all night, crying.
I was watching a sad movie.
The sad movie was your life.
Fine. You know, I was upset that night.
I wanted a conversation.
And instead, I got
a text two days later.
"Hit the open road with
my lady. Talk soon?"
Stalk of wheat emoji.
A perfect text.
Stalk of wheat means impotence.
So, that's it.
No part of you thinks
that you're into Freddie?
Well, that's the thing.
You know, I shouldn't have to
think about it.
I want someone that I am crazy about.
Someone that makes my knees buckle.
I just wish she'd stop running
away from the conversation.
You drove through six states and
three sovereign indigenous areas
in the same pair of underwear
to get away from
that exact conversation.
Well, he's back now. You guys can talk.
And I so want to do that,
but I can't.
Not everybody has time
to just go gallivanting
across the Pacific Northwest
like some GD Sasquatch.
I'm too busy with my new project.
And if that project is real,
I'm very happy for you.
(SCOFFS): Oh, it's real.
(WHISPERS): Paul, I need a new project.
A real one.
An outdoor Las Vegas wedding
in August at high noon?
What a dream!
We were considering Hawaii, but
there's just something classy
about a place where
you can smoke in church.
(PHONE CHIMES)
- Your Uber's here, lemon peel.
- Oh.
I use Marissa's account
since my rating is a 0.3.
They're literally allowed
to leave me anywhere.
You will always have five stars
with this girl.
It's sweet to see you so excited
for their outdoor high noon
Las Vegas Wait a minute.
I happened to hack into
Grandma B's email
and saw who she's considering
for maid of honor.
Danica from book club.
Wait, which Danica?
The Danica who thought
Lean In was too sexy,
or the Danica who never
takes off her beret?
- Beret.
- Oh, Danica.
Wait, have you hacked into my email?
No, I respect you too much. Wink.
Don't feel bad. Danica's been
a maid of honor before,
and those dogs are still together.
Are you saying all I have to do is
prove I'll be a better
maid of honor for Grandma B,
and the gig is mine?
You know I'm not.
So glad I got to meet up with
my favorite client in person.
You know, on the phone,
it's all business.
If I don't get a new project
immediately,
I am going to burn
this city to the ground.
My cat's surgery went great.
Thanks for asking.
- How about TV?
- I don't know.
The last time I did a TV show,
I got replaced by a dinosaur.
Well, kids love dinosaurs.
This would be reality TV,
so it'll be real.
Networks are hot for shows
about content creators.
They figure
your followers will watch it.
They won't, but who cares?
We'll already have the cash.
As long as I have total control
but people still like me.
I want to be an absolute boss
in a fun way.
Like "Go ahead, wear jeans
on Fridays, but fear me".
Bully me, queen. (CHUCKLES)
First thing we need is a hook,
like how the D'Amelios are sisters,
or how the Kardashians are sisters.
Well, I guess the hook is a sister.
I only have a brother.
Oh, right, Spencer.
No.
You know who might make
good TV? Freddie.
Freddie? Freddie Benson?
Fredward "Freduccini" Benson?
The neighbor boy who does
the five, four, three, two?
(CHUCKLES): Oh, I think
I know what's going on.
Five, four, three, two, you're smashing.
What? No! Freddie has a girlfriend.
Presumably they're smashing.
Oh, so it's a love triangle?
Because that's a hook.
Amore triangula.
Except there is no triangle.
There's a love line
between Freddie and Pearl.
He and I are a squiggle at best.
A squiggle. We're gonna win an Emmy!
Whoo!
Look, I am gonna bring so much drama,
you're not gonna even care
that Freddie's girlfriend
- accused us of being in love.
- (GASPS)
Not that that happened.
Amore triangula.
You, latte me, you, fix the lighting,
and you, call my grandmother
and you tell her to apologize.
(VOICE BREAKING):
She knows what she did.
Carly! You look great.
Very natural.
I know, right?
Rumor has it, my ponytail belonged to
Queen Elizabeth's horse.
The real star has arrived!
Somebody get me a director's
chair, a green juice
and a PA to scream at!
Hey, excuse me, terrifying woman.
Do you know where I
can find Ms. Carly Shay?
I'm right here.
I'm just disguised under
this blanket of luxury.
Do I need to get into costume?
PA, luxury blanket! Now!
Spencer, I don't know
how to tell you this, so
I'm gonna make Paul do it.
You've been recast.
Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny!
You threw up on me at hot bitch yoga?
We nearly beat a man to death together?
We're sisters and best friends?
Oh, yes, our fun, sisterly memories
of assault and bodily fluids.
I ran a very routine DNA test,
and it turns out Sunny
is Carly's 11th cousin.
But since she has a massive following,
we're rounding up to sister.
If we're gonna be sisters,
we should figure out who's older.
My filler guy and I were thinking you.
But I already told a woman
I want to sleep with
that I'm on this show.
I also told her that I'm Dax Shepard,
and I don't want to lie to her twice.
I'm sorry, Spencer.
I'm not. That's showbiz, baby.
Okay, you know what you do need? A host.
- That's me. I'm the host.
- This show doesn't have a host.
Next up on House of Shay,
Paul shuts up and admits he was wrong.
Wow. I am feeling good about this.
I mean, we got a sister.
We got my literal ponytail.
We got an unqualified white male host.
Yeah, and we've always got the amore
No, don't say it.
There's no need for it.
Sunny and I are gonna
rip each other to shreds.
Actually, I'm pivoting away
from "fighting".
I learned to channel
my difficult emotions
into reading YA fantasy novels
to the blind.
I do all the voices.
(DEEP, RASPY VOICE):
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
Hey, thanks for organizing this
suspiciously elaborate luncheon.
- It's the least I could do.
- Hmm.
Welcome to the family, Mr. Sline.
Or should I say Pop-Pop?
(SCREAMING, LAUGHING)
It'll be nice to have a strong
male role model in my life.
I taught you how to hunt.
This is all so fancy.
These are the kind of plates
you use again.
Oh, no, my fun blouse!
Would you like me to
lick it off, orange rind?
No need for that, Pop-Pop.
I have a stain remover right here.
I also have a lint roller, a sewing kit
and your favorite shade of
medicated ChapStick.
ALL: Clear.
Hey, those are all things
a maid of honor would have at a wedding.
You haven't picked one
out yet, have you?
- (UTENSILS CLATTER)
- Oh.
Don't you think forcing the conversation
before she's ready will
do more harm than good?
Don't you think you're confusing
my thing with Granny
and your thing with Carly?
You have to kiss a lot of frogs
before you can find your prince.
And let me tell you, Grandma B spent
a lot of time in the swamp. (CHUCKLES)
Pause for laughter.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, it's Danica from book club.
She put her beret in the dryer,
and now it's way too small!
Can she give it to her pet mouse?
No, you know Julien hates hats.
She needs us.
I never should have paused for laughter.
Welcome back to
the most dramatic episode
of any show ever.
Still in play are
two immunity idols, four roses,
and a lip sync for your life.
And it all starts now.
Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny,
let's try this yet again.
I need some real conflict. Okay?
Okay.
You ate the last of the peanut butter
and then put the jar
back in the cabinet.
So I thought there was more,
but there wasn't!
Oh, do we live together?
That's fun.
Sunny, no, we need more drama.
You know what? Wh-Why
don't you just hit me
one time, real quick.
Oh, I'll hit you, with
some character work.
(SILLY VOICE): Greetings
from Troll Crossing.
Oh, this is nothing.
Cut!
(SIGHS) That was everything
I look for in reality TV.
I mean, peanut butter larceny,
roommates, that voice.
I wanted more troll.
It's not working. Look.
You know what every reality show
has that we're missing?
Writers, wine throwing, Andy Cohen?
Don't you dare shift those fingers.
Don't you shift them!
- Don't.
- It's bigger than the both of us.
Oh!
Look, Paul.
I don't have feelings for Freddie,
but it's complicated.
- You know, I don't know much about
- (ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)
friendship squiggles
or sex rhombuses, but (GASPS)
(WHISPERS): Amore triangula.
Look, the road trippers
finally made the trip to set.
(LAUGHS): I also have a fulfilling life.
FREDDIE: I was surprised
you're doing another TV show.
Last time, you got
replaced by a dinosaur.
Oh, kids love dinosaurs.
(ROARS) Love me.
That was a dinosaur.
So, you two sure you want to be
on my reality show?
Yes. We had an emergency
session with Dr. Susan,
during which I told Freddie,
"If you're sure you have no
feelings for Carly whatsoever,
we should do the show.
And any scene I'm not in,
I'll sit on the side
with my arms crossed, watching closely".
To which I replied, "How can I say no?"
(CHUCKLES) Do I get $200 an hour
for listening to that story?
(LAUGHS) Fun.
Is it too late to replace me
with a dinosaur?
I'm on it?
But until then,
I have got a fun and relaxing
activity for you all to enjoy.
Aerial silking!
I do not feel relaxed!
Perfect, perfect.
Use that anxiety
to fuel your confrontation
at the dramatic height
of two to three feet.
(GRUNTS) Can I get a helmet?
Can you make that two?
Freddie, I'm flying!
She's very flexible.
Triple-jointed elbows.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Carly, don't worry about
the actual silking.
Uh, worry about being alone forever
because Freddie refuses
to speak to you. Wow.
Is that what she told you?
Why did no one fetch me from my trailer
that should have been provided?
I am the host.
There's no host.
Our first twist is a twist.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Dude, no, no!
- (CARLY YELPING)
Oh, God! I may not survive this!
CARLY: Aah! I need a Dramamine!
I was Peter Pan off Broadway.
Hey, Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.
Do you know what Carly's been
saying about you? I do.
Because I've got the receipts.
- Those are from CVS.
- I know, but I used them to write down
everything you told me the other day.
Here we go, here we go.
Um (CLEARS THROAT)
Pearl could tell you
and Carly were in love.
You went after Pearl while Carly
waited up all night for you,
- crying her eyes out
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh, my (GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)
That's going on the sizzle reel.
Let's do it again, but
this time tackle Pearl.
I am done with this.
But
But I am keeping the ponytail.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Okay, fine. I'll play Carly.
Hey, Milli-Vanil.
You doing okay?
Grandma B officially chose
her maid of honor,
and it's Danica, from book club.
(CRIES): With the beret.
Hey, your grandmother
worships you, okay?
You are going to be part of her wedding.
Don't tell me I'm gonna be an usher.
I will accept DJ or higher.
Relationships aren't about titles.
They're about being there
for each other.
Even when they make
questionable choices?
Even when you're dangling
from the ceiling
- with a silk so far up your butt that you
- I beg you.
Have secrets.
Millicent, we have something
we wanted to ask you.
There's a girl living here ♪
That we always hold dear ♪
Good old Millicent ♪
Is this happening? Did Danica die?
Such grit and such fight,
sweet as Turkish delight ♪
She's good old Millicent ♪
The virtues that we extol ♪
Deserve a starring role ♪
Will you please, please marry us? ♪
Be your officiant?
Yes! That's, like,
higher than the bride!
And then I tackled Paul to the ground.
In a cool way?
No.
(KNOCKING)
Hey, Carly, um
can we finally talk?
- Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, Harper is
- Bye.
A terrible friend.
What do you want to talk about?
How bananas are going extinct?
What's gonna happen to smoothies?
I know some people like
to put almonds in it, so
Um
How about why you flying-tackled Paul?
I guess that's a good topic, too.
I did wait up for you that night,
but then you went off with Pearl,
and things are going so great
with you guys,
I just thought, you know,
maybe we don't need to talk.
Maybe we could just go back
to being Freddie and Carly.
So I
Created a whole-ass reality show
just to avoid talking to me?
Just as any normal person would.
Look, I'll admit it.
Over the years, I've thought about
whether we should be together.
And thought about it
BOTH: And thought about it
and thought about it.
But you shouldn't have to
think about it.
Exactly.
And
you know what I never
have to think about?
Being Carly and Freddie.
I know.
It's the best.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Shoot, I got to go.
Uh, Pearl is legit
about to join the circus.
(CHUCKLES): And she could.
Pearl T. Barnum over here.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, thanks for doing the show today.
Or should I thank Dr. Susan?
(CHUCKLES) Of course.
Paul said it was important to you.
And no matter what awkward phase
of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in,
no matter who we're dating
or how little we know
about what we're signing up for,
I am always gonna be there for you.
I promise.
(PHONE CHIMES)
How does a leotard cost $7,000?
I got to go, but, hey, look at us.
We did it, we're talking, huh? Go us!
Okay, bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Did your knees ?
Yeah. They did. I buckled.
Wine and crying, or whiskey
and light violence?
All of the above.
Carly Shay is an influencer.
I'm under this blanket of luxury.
PAUL: She's relatable to all women.
(ROARS) Love me.
PAUL: She and her attractive,
successful siblings
She knows what she did.
(DEEP, RASPY VOICE):
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
PAUL: plagued by hangers-on,
desperate to get on TV.
Why did no one fetch me?
I'm Dax Shepard.
Will she ditch the losers
and tackle her insecurities?
All this on House of Shay.
I didn't know it was gonna be that bad.
Or that Paul was gonna
recast himself as my brother.
(SCOFFS) I love it.
Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me.
Every network passed.
Ah, makes sense.
Ooh.