Ideal (2005) s03e01 Episode Script

Oh, Jen, I think I'm losing my mind.
NICKI: I've had hallucinations.
I'm your baby's new health visitor.
Going 100% legit.
- What's your business? - Making porno.
I'm sensing some discontentments in this house.
Shall we pray for them? COLIN: Do you like beef? I just like working with the dead.
Is that really so weird? No.
Alan, do you remember when we worked on that house and the cops came and arrested the tenant? I remember it well, Marco.
It was last Tuesday.
Was it 'cause you informed on her? She was running a brothel in a pebble-dashed semi-detached.
As a Christian, I couldn't allow that.
Will God punish her? Or will they leave it to the proper authorities? God will punish all the do-baddies, Marco.
Whoremongers, pornographers, the murderers, the thieves, and especially the drug dealers.
As Christians, it's our duty to do anything we can to help God punish them.
Want me to get that, chief? You're all right.
I'm nearly there.
No, I don't want to buy any life insurance.
Hi, hi.
Hello, Brian.
A bit old for trick-or-treating, aren't you? I'm experimenting with me inner Manson.
More like Edward Scissorhands with a cue ball, eh? - Have you got any weed? - Killer? Yeah.
- Killer weed.
- No, weed killer.
I'll go and get your weed killer.
Thanks for lending it us.
Got two builders in me toilet here.
Some folk have all t'luck.
Pureed turnip.
Brian, what're you doing? Nicki probably thought Death had come for her.
Little Death had come for her baby.
It's us, Nicki, we're Goths.
Oh, so I'm not being abducted by aliens, then? - That one, please.
- Forty notes.
Smashing, ta.
So where did you two meet then? Friends Resurrected? Met at a crazy golf course, didn't we? A crazy golf course? That's not very Goth.
Ah, but we're Goth, the next generation.
Eh, do you wanna hear some piping hot gossip? You know Judith across the hall? She's back, working at undertakers.
Is she? God.
Wonder what sort of reference the last one gave.
Conscientious, punctual, on top of her job That is so sick.
I thought you lot liked all that kind of stuff.
Sacrificing, bloodletting, picnicking with t'Grim Reaper.
- No, I'm dead squeamish, me.
- Squeamish? That's not Goth.
You're so narrow-minded.
Today's Goth is much more in touch with his feelings.
Leon don't live in a dungeon, you know.
He works at Funburn, the tanning shop.
I thought you might need some of your bolts replacing.
Anyway, listen, I think Judith might be taking some of the work home with her.
- What're you gobbing on about? - I've seen her.
Dragging big, heavy sacks into her flat late at night.
Sacks big enough to have bodies in them.
And I seen her just now.
With blood all over her hands.
Red blood.
- Hello, Moz.
- What've you been doing? - Something innocuous? - Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Yes, um I'm just preparing meat.
- What kind of meat? - Legs.
- Chicken legs? - No.
Oh.
Sounds like some serious snooping's required.
Hey, I'll help you with investigation.
You can be Crackers, I'll be her off Prime Suspect.
Come on.
We'll be late for aerobics.
Aerobics? Now that is definitely not Goth.
Whoa! Sorry, kiddo.
I know you're just expressing yourself, but - I didn't mean to be frightened.
- Yeah, whatever.
Hi, hi.
I'm Alan, this is Marco.
- Ignore me.
- Mmm.
Come on, you.
Back to the batty cave.
Why would folk want to dress like that when they could wear a nice pullover? - I really like monsters.
- Ah, now.
Just because they're different, we shouldn't label them monsters.
That's God's job.
How's it going, lads? Taking less time than you thought? You get a lot of visitors.
A more suspicious man might think there's something dodgy going on.
Yeah, well, well They all They all come to me, because they have a special need.
And I provide them with a service.
What kind of service? Advice and succour.
- Succour? - You see I don't like to boast about it, Alan, but I've been born again.
I have accepted the love of our Lord baby, Jesus Christ, our Lord God, into my heart.
And I feel it's my duty to pump that love into other folks' hearts.
Praise be, Moz, praise be! I sensed it.
You see, - I've been born again.
- No.
What a sacred coincidence.
I found the Lord 10 years back.
Before it were trendy.
He were hard to find in them days.
- Praise be, Moz, praise be! - Praise be.
Praise be, praise be, praise be.
Praise be.
Oh, what a shame.
Just when we were getting a head of steam up.
I'll get that, brother.
- Praise be, praise be, praise be.
- Yeah, that's enough.
Baby Jesus is sleeping.
- Is Moz in? - He is indeed, petal.
I think it's fair to say his door is always open.
Oh, is it broken, then? Felix is right busy at the moment.
The school's put him in charge of the anti-bullying campaign, haven't they? - Yeah.
- Right.
He's come up with a great slogan.
Um "Let's kick bullying's head in "and call it names.
" - That'll learn 'em.
- Yeah.
What about a campaign for beating up all the swots? You could call it, "Go to work on an egghead.
" But that's pro-bullying.
- It's a joke.
- Uh, it's not.
It's a big problem, actually.
Some of them kids at that school are right out of control, aren't they, Felix? Yeah.
Can you sell us a quarter of weed? - There you go.
- Cheers.
Ta.
I love skunk weed.
Can't wait to go home and just get monged.
She used to smoke a little, now she smokes a lot.
But she's still Jenny off her block.
- Them the words? - No.
You know what, I might just skin one up for the walk home.
Out, Satan.
Out! Sorry, Moz.
I didn't realise.
- Better out than in, eh? - Aye.
Definitely.
I'm just letting you know that your water will be off for half an hour.
Yeah, all right.
I've still got me holy water.
- Soz about that, Jen.
- No, you're all right.
I were possessed.
What choice did you have? - Oh, hello.
- Hi, Nicki.
How are you? Um, I sleep an average of an hour a night, my eyeballs are burning in their sockets, and I got a corridor full of carcass.
- You? - Feeling fantastic, ta.
Yeah.
I'm glad someone is.
God, I'm such a state.
Bags under my eyes.
Look at my skin.
You look like a mum.
That's what mums look like.
- Moz in? - Yeah.
- Superdad's in the kitchen.
- Cheers.
You promised to be gentle.
If our species is to survive, I must - Hey, it's the plodster.
- All right, Moz? I refuse to answer without me lawyer present.
Hey, you're looking, uh, pretty perky.
Am I? Yeah, well, you know.
Well, actually, I wasn't gonna say, 'cause it's early days, but I need to tell someone.
I'm in love.
In love with police work? No, serious, serious.
I've started seeing this girl.
It's amazing.
We just fell for each other, like that.
You know her.
I've seen her around here loads of times.
- What, Mrs Coneybear? - Give over.
- It's China.
- China? - China! Fella, you're kidding.
- What? What, you don't reckon I can pull a girl like China? Of course you can.
Law of averages.
You live in Manchester long enough, you pull China.
I had shares in her meself at one point but they never matured.
Hey, you're talking about the woman I love.
I'm talking about the woman everybody's loved.
Why do you think they call her China? 'Cause she's made up one-third of the world's population.
One more word and it's truncheon time, okay? - Hello? - Hiya, Mum, it's me.
I feel like I'm losing my marbles.
Sanjeev just cries and screams every night.
- I'm sure all babies aren't like that.
- Well, you were.
- Was I? - You were an absolute nightmare.
Wouldn't feed properly, kept biting my nipples.
Oh? Okay.
Well, I am sorry for that.
I'm not saying China haven't got a past.
We've all got a past.
I mean, look at me.
Spent nine months shagging me best mate's girlfriend.
Um - I'm sorry about that.
- Oh, at last, an apology.
Many, many thanks.
I'll put that next to me ball of resentment.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, we've all got a past, Moz, but we gotta put that behind us Nine months? - Nicki said it was three weeks.
- Yeah.
Well, it was I forget the exact time frame, but NICKI: I'll get it.
NICKI'S MOTHER: stop me from smothering you Hang on a sec, Mum.
- Hiya.
- Hello, Persia.
- China.
- Whatever.
In the kitchen.
Sorry, Mum.
You were saying about the third time they put you on the anti-depressants? - Missed you.
- Missed you.
- Miss you more.
- Mmm.
Anybody miss me? - Moz, you know China? - Yeah.
You're all right, love? How's your fashion course going? I've decided to take a year out.
- The pressure was getting to me.
- Pressure? Having to go to lectures, do all the practical work.
- Write essays.
- It is a university course.
I mean, what were you expecting, a ball pit and free milk? I've other stuff I wanna do.
I don't want to be tied down.
I'm a free spirit.
Thinking of joining the police force, aren't you? Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
Blimey, Mulder and Scully.
Oh, almost forgot.
Couple of light sticky black.
Busted a motivational speaker in Reddish.
You taking notes? See, it's not all squad cars and riot shields.
Modern policing involves a lot of bong work within the community.
Anyway, best be off.
Some knobhead robbed a side of beef from the butchers down the road.
What was he thinking? Where you gonna hide a side of beef? - See you, fella.
- Bye, Moz.
You first.
Now then, where were we? I love you.
I know.
Mmm.
Ignore me.
- You all right there, petal? - Yeah.
Yeah, I was I was just thinking about going vegetarian.
Alan, do you think God's a veggie? I doubt it.
I'm pretty sure he eats fish.
Can I Can I get you some teas? Bless you, petal.
But we're with flask.
Moz? I'm just nipping out for some air and stuff.
Well, well, well, we've heard it all before.
Come on, I thought we discussed this.
Thought we'd agreed, no going large on the scrikey.
Shh.
That's it.
I know it's none of me business.
- But your wife seems a bit - We're not married.
But surely that conflicts with your strongly held beliefs? Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
If it'd been up to me, I would've been married years back.
I'd be renewing our vows every month.
In a right big church.
The thing is, I've asked Nicki to marry me again and again.
But she always says no.
Maybe next time, eh? Go on.
Let's pray Nicki sees sense.
Will you pray with me, Moz? Yeah.
I love praying, me.
Marco, come and pray with us.
Oh, Lord, as you look down upon three of your humble servants, we pray that you may find it in your infinite wisdom to grant Moz's dearly held wish to be joined in holy matrimony to Nicki.
- Amen.
- We remember how you suffered at the hands of man.
And yet how in your grace and mercy, you forgave man, and then came back.
We know that you shall return to us soon.
And we know that that day is fast approaching.
And when you do return, we shall rejoice in the streets and break bread and drink wine, in moderation.
Heya.
- The three wise men.
- All right, Morris? Keeping well? Peachy keen, sir.
So how's the world of disorganised crime? We are getting proactive with our porno plans.
Porno plans? Oh, setting up your mucky website, eh? Stemroach thought you might like a piece of the action.
Nah, I don't think I'm porn star material, ta.
Although, I wouldn't mind coming down to the studio and helping the actresses, you know, get to grips with the parts.
We're not using a studio.
This is amateur porno.
Rough and ready.
We could use a place like this.
That's what Stemroach said.
Oh, no way.
You're not filming porn here.
Not only would you be disrupting a family home, you'd be disrupting me drug dealing.
Hang on a sec.
Moz is with someone else at the moment.
But I'm sure he'll be able to see you shortly.
- I'm on probation.
- It's all right, Alan.
- I'll field this one.
- Right-o, chief.
Get in there.
Where the bloody hell have you been? I've been searching for Carmel.
I've looked all over.
Then I remembered, she starts her go-go dancing shift at Sex-o-Rama at six.
So I go down there, and she's with that Enrique.
The big cock.
Or to give him his proper title, her actual, real boyfriend.
As opposed to some opportunist scally who told her he were her boyfriend when she lost her memory.
It just doesn't seem fair.
And yet, it is.
Strange.
Here you go.
He's been working undercover.
He's ready to go back in t'field.
We were like a team, me and Carmel.
We did everything together.
We watched telly together.
We laughed together.
- You stole a cow together.
- We did, we did.
Yeah.
We Are you sure you don't want any? Can I interest you in a couple of spare ribs? No, just get it out of here.
As I Say, Colin, make sure you distribute that fatted calf amongst the hungry and the needy and profoundly dead.
Bringing the destitute the precious gift of beef is its own reward.
- Praise be.
- Indeed.
- Oi.
- Soz, but you can't.
I've got the Jesus army people worked in me bog.
Which is another reason why you can't film your bluies around here.
That toilet is now technically consecrated ground.
See, we got a website called Adorable Faces in Abominable Places.
Naturally, we thought of your place.
- I said they could film around mine.
- Yeah, yeah.
Why not film around at Jar Jar Binks' place? - Still lives with his mum.
- She's not me mum.
She's She's me dad.
Eh? Me Me dad's a tranny.
Well, it keeps him off the glue.
- Why not film around yours? - No The light, it's not good enough.
Hark at Kubrick! You're only filming bums and busters.
That reminds me, we gotta go and do some auditioning.
So, are you in or are you out? I've told ya, I'm out.
Look, lads, you go and do your auditioning or whatever, but let me make one thing crystal clear, you are not filming porn in this house.
- Now let that be final.
- No.
Please let that be final.
No! Tania.
Great to see you.
Is now a good time for a visit from the Northwest premier health visitor? Couldn't be better.
Come in.
Well, there's nothing wrong with this little chap, is there? You don't, um, you don't still smoke weed, do you? A little bit, every now and then.
Oh, do you fancy skinning up? I shouldn't really.
- Because of the baby? - No.
Because of the builders.
So, you seeing anybody at the moment.
What, you mean, is this making me hallucinate? No.
No, not at the moment.
You and Nicki seem pretty solid, though.
Don't you mean "stolid"? So stolid crew.
I don't know.
Well, as I understand it, Nicki had a baby by someone else and you stood by her.
Most blokes would've run a mile.
Yeah, but I've got a broken leg.
Couldn't even walk to the chippie.
Yo, mate.
So, I was thinking double glazing.
Or treble.
Maybe go quad.
Alan wants to show you some problem piping.
Brilliant.
I'll hobble straight over.
Soz about that.
Bloody nightmare.
So, is there any money in this looking at babies business, then? Well, it's not me main source of income.
- I sell stuff on eBay.
- What sort of stuff? All kinds of things.
I just pick stuff up.
- Remember when you picked me up? - Mmm.
Not sure if you were a bargain or not.
Well, I thought we were really well suited, you know? You and me.
I don't know what went wrong.
Why did we split up? You caught gonorrhoea from having a one-night stand with the girl who worked at Smoke-Mart.
So I dumped ya.
Just didn't know what we had, did we? Apart from gonorrhoea, and that were diagnosed.
But I'm a different man now.
I won't make that mistake again.
Fancy giving us a quick blowie while Nicki's out? Tania.
- What're you doing here? - Nicki, good news.
Tania is our new health visitor.
Isn't that perfectly innocent? Hiya, Nicki.
I've given him a thorough examination and you've got a lovely, healthy boy.
Yeah, apart from his broken leg.
I should be going.
But, any problems, you know where to contact me.
- 999? - No, my number's on here.
Thanks.
I think we've got your number.
Right.
See you next week.
I'll be counting the seconds.
- It's good news, innit? - What? That your ex-girlfriend is gonna be paying us regular visits? Yeah, my dream come true, innit? No, I meant, it's good news that the baby's fine.
- We know that.
- Yeah, but You can't beat an official stamp.
You'll be getting an official stamp in a minute.
Do you know your trouble? You have never taken this relationship seriously.
You are totally lacking in commitment.
That's not true.
I've actually got too much commitment for just one woman.
I'm joshing ya.
- I'm joshing ya.
- Jesus! Exactly.
Thank you, Jesus.
- What? - Now, I don't want you to think I'm interfering, petal, but Moz has got something he wants to ask you.
- Have I? - Something very special.
Oh, yeah.
- Now? - What have you got to lose? Um Right.
Yeah, of course.
Well, uh okay, here goes.
Nicki? Will you Will you marry me? - Are you serious? - He definitely is.
Is that what you really want? Def-o.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Moz, I'd love to.
Praise be.
- Can we come to the wedding? - Of course you can.
Praise be.
Praise be.
Praise be.
Today's the day we shoot our first porno.
I'm thinking of asking China to marry us.
I'm Catalan, you fuck dick.
Let yourself in, have a snoop around if you fancy.
It's not gonna be a corpse.