It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e01 Episode Script

Mac, you gotta see this movie, dude.
Really? I thought it was boring.
Boring? It's about the end of the world, Dee.
Inconvenient Truth is not about the end of the world.
It is about how if we don't stop global warming, we are going to destroy this environment.
I think it sounds cool.
I'll check it out.
It is.
It's awesome.
Dude, come on.
What the hell is that? What? Are you kidding me? What is the big deal, Dennis? What is the big deal? Are you nuts? It's like you see a movie, and now you're crazy about the environment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe I would actually like to do some good in this world, make a difference.
You wanna do good? Yes.
You can't do good.
You're not good at that.
I can do good.
No.
I am capable of doing good.
No, you just screw people over for your own benefit.
You guys are gonna be so angry when you look back and you see that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds and says, "Dennis, you are a good person.
You are making a di" Holy shit.
What? There's a baby in this Dumpster.
What the hell is it doing? We gotta call somebody.
Who? The police? The mother? I mean, think, Dee.
Somebody threw this baby in the trash.
We can't just put it back into the system.
It is a terrible system.
It's a horrible system.
We live in a throwaway culture where everyone's just lookin' for the easy way out.
You don't wanna carry your Big Gulp anymore? Throw it in the street.
Don't wanna take care of your baby? Throw it in a Dumpster.
I just can't take it.
Charlie, you're harpin' on it.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father.
I'm tellin' you, I am not your father.
Then take a stupid blood test.
I'm not takin' no blood test.
It's so easy.
It's a little prick Look, I've had enough of this.
I'm not even gonna talk What the hell is that? It's a baby we found in the trash.
Well, put it back.
It doesn't belong to you.
We're not gonna put it back.
Well, give it to the cops.
Get it outta here.
It's bad for business.
Oh, that's great, Frank.
Pass the buck.
Just passin' Everybody passin' the buck.
You know, it's time we started taking responsibility for the refuse we're creating.
Oh, my God, dude.
Are you still harpin' on that stupid global heating movie you saw? "Global warming," Charlie.
Yeah.
Right.
Like the earth is magically getting hotter.
All right, stop! Clearly this is not the right environment for a child.
I will take care of the Dumpster baby until we figure out what to do with it.
Dee, you're helping me.
What? No, I'm not.
You see what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet, and it's because of people like you.
Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old.
There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets having unprotected sex with multiple partners Mm-hmm.
Sharing needles and contracting the H.
I.
V.
Virus, and it's all your fault.
Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full-blown Al DS.
What the hell are these scrubs doing, dude? They're activists, Charlie.
They're sifting through the trash looking for recyclable materials.
Recycling.
What a waste.
Frank, we are trying to make a difference.
You see? He has no problem not callin' me "Dad.
" Uh, hey, man.
Where can I get one of those recycle bags? Get lost, narc.
Excuse me? What we're doing is completely legal, so why don't you just leave us alone? Oh.
No, I'm not a cop, man.
I just wanna help out.
Sure you do.
I saw you pull up in that Range Rover.
Is everything okay, Sage? Yeah.
No, everything's fine.
I was just explaining to your friend that I I want to help you guys out.
Listen, bro.
I know your type: Straightedge, mainline weekend warrior comin' down here in your cashmere sweater with your moussedup, hairsprayed coif.
This isn't just a hobby for us.
So why don't you take your phony, suburban, halfassed bullshit someplace else? I'll take that, hippie.
Ah Hey, Frank Frank Fr-Frank Haha! Dude, do you believe this thing, man? It's a Charlie, Charlie, get down Dude, it's amazing! Look at this.
Bro, you can chop a camel right in the hump and drink all its milk right off the tip of this thing, man.
That is a find, man! That's spectacular.
This is an Ali Baba sword, dude.
Come on, you guys.
Let's get out of here.
Look, Dennis.
Look at this.
I don't care about that, all right? You guys are makin' me look like an asshole.
I'm out here tryin' to make a difference, and you're over here rummagin' around the trash like a couple of narcs, okay? You can't just come down here with your mainline, cashmere, moussecoif hair spray and start bein' like a suburban tool.
You can't Are you feeling all right? What are you saying? Did you even look at this? I don't know.
I think I just got punked out by a couple of hippies.
I gotta do somethin' about this.
Goddamn, this Dumpster baby's heavy.
No, no, it's good for your back.
All right.
So we got the diapers and the wipes and the powder.
Shit, this raisin' babies is easy, huh? Huh? I think, first things first, the baby smells like trash, right? Throw it in the bath.
Already with this? I didn't do it.
Already with this? I come home to a crying baby? I didn't do anything.
No, I didn't do anything.
It's okay.
Jesus Christ.
You know what? I'm just gonna kick back, grab a beer and watch the Sixers, all right? You're not gonna help? You wanted me to do this with you.
Would it kill you to go shopping once in a while? We're outta beer.
Oh, we are? No, we're not out of anything, Mac, 'cause you don't live here.
Wait One left.
Nice.
Great.
Hey, if we're gonna raise this baby together I think it's important we at least try to make it work, so when you're done with the bath, why don't you go out and get some beer and, um, a pack of smokes would be good.
We're not gonna raise anything together.
I said I would help hang on to this Dumpster baby for a couple of days until we figure what to do with it.
Really? Yes.
You're gonna raise your voice to me right now? I'm not raising my voice.
Well, I'm tryin' to have a rational conversation.
I feel like you're berating me for absolutely no reason.
So you know what? What? For the sake of the baby, we need some space.
I'm gonna go with the guys, blow off steam.
What? You're just gonna dump this thing on me and leave? You gonna guilt me into staying? Okay, I guess I have to stay for the sake of Dumpster Baby.
But I will tell you what.
I'm not gonna stand here and be berated.
I'm going to bed.
My God, I can't Charlie would you just please lay there and go to sleep? I can't sleep, dude.
It's impossible.
My mind's goin', like, a mile a minute.
Well, stop thinkin' about it.
I'm not your father.
Now go to sleep.
No.
Dude, it's not that.
I'm thinkin' about something completely different.
It's the trash, isn't it? It's the sweet, sweet trash.
I mean, man, we found some amazing shit out there today.
The kind of shit I didn't think you could find in the trash, you know? And, uh, I'm just goin' nuts thinkin' about what else is out there.
Frank, there's ordinary guys just like you and me goin' through everyone else's trash.
They don't appreciate it.
Ah, people don't appreciate their trash, Frank.
Let's go get the flashlights.
So I scale this tree.
I mean, this is a big tree too, right? I get to the top of it.
I find the nest.
This is This is baby bluebirds.
They're starving to death.
So I regurgitate my lunch and I nourish the entire flock Wow.
Like Well, well, well.
Check it out, babe.
The narc is back.
Mmm.
Hey, uh, Sage, I thought about what you said, and I think you were right, man.
I was halfassing it.
But I'm not gonna halfass it anymore.
I'm gonna devote myself completely to the cause.
Look, bro.
Just 'cause you come in here with your Birkenstocks and your Phish T-shirt doesn't mean you're devoted.
Means you're a total poser.
Wow.
Um Well, you know what, man? Uh, I'm just gonna go then, I guess.
You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks and my Phish T-shirt and my kind bud with me.
What? Did you just say you had kind bud? Kind bu Yeah.
I mean, you know, I just have, like this much.
Hey, and look at this.
It's a little ray gun, like.
Oh, that's nice, man.
Look at this thing right here, dude.
Put this in a plastic bag and, boom, shower radio, buddy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
Unbelievable.
We're on a roll.
Here's Look at this.
We wrap stuff in this.
Look.
We can wrap it all up.
All right.
Electrics.
Electrics! Whoa! A sneaker.
What size? Fourteen.
Throw it in the pile, baby.
Crash in the pile.
Ah, Charlie, isn't this great? We go right to the source! Forget about the dump.
Yeah.
Screw the dump, man.
It's right in your backyard, dude.
Yeah.
This is it.
What's that? What's that? What's that? It's another coat, man.
Ooh, can I have it? No.
Well, you already got one.
Frank, use your head.
This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat.
Come on, man.
Oh, when you're right, you're right.
Look at that.
Yeah, baby.
You'll find one.
If you keep diggin', you're gonna find one of these.
Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.
Huh? Oh, hello.
Look who it is, huh? The girl who ruined my life by fallin' in love with my best friend and havin' sex with this guy right here.
How you doin'? Gross.
And "gross" to you.
And you know what? I don't know what you're doing.
I don't want to know.
Go and do it in somebody else's Dumpster, okay? Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
What do you got in those? Coffee cups and food scraps.
Yeah, we'll take 'em.
Hand 'em over.
I don't know why it's cranky, okay? Well, maybe he's hungry.
Your thoughts on nursing it? I haven't slept in three days.
I don't have thoughts anymore.
You know, raising a child is not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be.
Well, what if we put it back where we found it? Oh, my God, that is the cutest little baby I've ever seen.
What's his name? Uh, his name is It's D B.
D.
B.
Oh, he could be a Gerber Baby.
He could be in commercials.
I have an idea.
I'm three steps ahead of ya.
We need to make Dumpster Baby a star.
Exactly.
This is exactly what I'm talkin' about.
We can't put it back into a corrupt system.
No.
We have an opportunity to give it a real future here.
Yes, by making it a star.
And who have better lives than child stars? Nobody.
Nobody.
Rich, famous They have it all.
The happiest people on earth.
D.
B.
, my main man, you got tossed into the right Dumpster.
Brenda, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time than I have to.
We've got meetings with agents all over town.
Can you make D.
B.
A star? Well, I'm sorry to say, but in today's commercial world there's just no room for another white baby actor.
There's an influx already.
White babies don't sell.
White babies just aren't selling right now.
Question: Who is selling, Brenda? Well, the Latino market is the fastest growing demographic in the country.
Great.
So Mexicans are selling.
Oh, well, D.
B.
Can play Mexican.
Yeah.
D.
B.
Could definitely be a Mexican.
We get him some pistols.
He fires 'em off like crazy.
He does Do the jumpin' thing.
He does the Mexican Jumpin' Bean.
Watch this.
Ayayay! We get him a little thing with chips.
He could sell chips.
And he can dip the chips into the nacho cheese.
It's perfect.
It's perfect.
It's hilarious.
For all we know, he is Mexican.
'Cause here's the thing.
Tell 'em the thing.
Oh, we've got Ooh, I Look.
I can't really get into the specifics of the whole thing but we've got no idea who D.
B.
's dad is.
We don't know who the dad is.
It isn't me.
I'm sorry, but your son just does not look Latino.
Oh.
Well, I mean, that's a bit of a disappointment.
That makes me sad.
Yeah, because we're truly tryin' to give him a future.
Is there anything that we can do? Well, not unless you can change the color of this baby's skin.
Let me get this straight.
You want to put your baby into a tanning bed.
That's correct.
I'm sorry.
That's against the law.
Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? And we don't wanna jam you up here.
We just wanna put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Just to get a base.
We'll sign whatever waivers.
Cook him a couple of minutes, and we'll be out of your hair.
I am feeling compelled to call the authorities.
Oh, are you? Well, then why don't we take our business elsewhere? I sense some judgment in your voice, sir, and I don't appreciate it.
You could have helped change this child's life forever.
You chose not to.
That's on you.
I can live with that.
Come on, D.
B.
I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes.
Trees are people too Save this tree These developer pigs are gonna tear down this tree.
So tonight we will hold a candlelight vigil in protest.
Hey, Sage, Asriel, can we commune for a moment? Yeah.
What's up? Well, listen.
I don't want to be putting out any negative vibrations or anything like that, but I think we're going about this the wrong way.
Thanks, but, uh, we got it.
Okay, why don't we hear him out, Sage? Thanks, Asriel.
Well, listen.
While I think lighting a couple of candles and singin' a few sweet jams sounds like a really good time it's not gonna stop a bulldozer.
Somebody needs to step up and be a hero here.
So I'm thinkin', I would chain myself to that tree and that way, if they wanna kill that tree, they gotta kill me first.
That is so brave of you, Dennis.
Is it? Wait.
If anyone is gonna chain themselves to anything, it's gonna be me.
But it was Dennis's idea.
No, wait, Asriel.
He's right.
Maybe it should be him.
Right.
I'm the one in charge here.
Right.
You're the one in charge.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Mountain, go get some chains.
No, wait.
Hold off on that, Mountain.
I brought some.
Charlie, we gotta stop.
We gotta stop.
No.
Two more stops, Frank.
Let's keep it moving.
Let's drop it off at base camp.
No.
No base camp.
We gotta keep movin', Frank.
March! No, it's fallin'.
Ho! Do not lose that.
Do not lose that.
It's just a bottle.
All right, I think we gotta stop.
We gotta stop at the apartment.
No, dude.
There's no time for that, man! We gotta drop some stuff off.
All right, fine.
We'll make it quick.
All right.
Charlie, maybe we should get rid of some of this shit.
What? Yeah.
I mean What'd you say, get rid of it? Yeah.
Frank, look at this.
Huh? Yeah.
This This Look at that, bro! Yeah.
Yeah.
This here's our future, man.
People are just throwin' this away.
Get rid of it, dude? Frank, we start gettin' rid of this, we're gonna be just like the wasters out there.
Look Hey, guess what.
Somebody else is gonna find it.
Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Well, where are we gonna sleep? You sure you still wanna do this? Mountain, this is what it's all about: Me and my girl side-by-side savin' a life, bringin' in the dawn together.
I mean, come on! Looks like it's gonna rain.
It does look like it's gonna rain.
Have you seen Asriel? No.
Wonder where she is.
Riders on the storm Tonight we cross the plane of reality Into the dimension of no place or time.
Open your mouth.
Become the journey.
Like a dog without a bone What are we doin', man? It's pourin' rain out here! We're actin' like animals.
But we gotta stick together, Frank, if we're gonna make it.
Yeah, let's stick together.
All right.
Let's use our heads.
What are we gonna do? We gotta get outta this rain.
Yeah.
Where are we gonna go? We could get in that Dumpster.
I'm not above that.
Let's go.
Asriel! Where are you? Can you give me a bite of that, dude? Mmm.
Yeah.
I'm starvin', you know.
Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend.
Ah, bro, you gotta stop talkin' about that, dude.
I'm also sorry that I didn't get the blood test.
But I know I'm a hundred percent positive that I am not your dad.
Dude, how can you be a hundred percent positive, dude? How do you know? Your mother and I were gonna keep this a secret, but after we made love, she did get pregnant but she had an abortion.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause maybe she didn't tell you.
I mean, she probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up because your mother was a giant whore.
Ah, you know what, dude? I don't believe you, Frank, all right? It's hard to take.
Just Oh, my God.
You're a liar, man.
Girl, you gotta love your man Where are you goin', Charlie? To find out the truth! Charlie! Make him understand Yeah Frank doesn't know the truth.
I knew it.
All right.
You didn't have an abortion, you just told him you did.
I get that.
No.
I had an abortion.
It just didn't take.
Wha What does that mean? It means, you survived it.
You survived the abortion.
What the hell are you talking about, Mom? W We went to one of those clinics one of those underground clinics because Frank didn't want to spend a lot of money Yeah.
And I had the procedure, and then they told me you were dead Okay.
And then three months later, you popped out, happy as a clam! Sweetie, I had to keep it a secret from Frank.
I never wanted the abortion in the first place.
But he was married, and I knew, if he found out, he would have forced me to get rid of you once and for all.
He would have made me throw you in a Dumpster.
Oh, my God.
Nope.
His skin needs to be darker, Dee.
Yeah, I know.
We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him.
Shoe polish.
Shoe polish? Shoe polish.
Shoe polish on a baby? You're such an idiot.
That's gonna look stupid and smell like shit.
We'll see.
Where's D.
B? My door's open! Did he get kidnapped? Somebody came in and took him? There's a note.
There's a note! "Taked' baby.
Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.
" Charlie.
Feast your eyes on this! Oh, my God, Charlie.
Where did you get a baby? I think you know good and well where I got this baby, now don't you? What the hell are you talking about? I'm talkin' about you and Frank throwin' your love child here in the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub! What, did you think I wouldn't find out? Well, I did.
Yeah.
Yeah! What you might not know, though, is that this little baby of yours also happens to be my half brother.
Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago.
It takes nine months to make a baby, so you can just give me the baby and stop screaming.
You know, there was a time where I would've helped you raise this little Dumpster baby brother of mine like a son.
But that's gone now, 'cause you ruined it! You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away! You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And you know what? I found them.
And I'm gonna raise all of 'em! Get me the number for Child Services.
Hey, Sage, buddy.
How are you, man? How are you feelin'? Guh, I I did it.
LI saved the tree.
You sure did, man.
You saved that tree.
Wow.
I gotta say, man, I'm really impressed.
I don't think I could've done what you did here today.
Guh, I'm a hero.
You are.
You're a hero.
Yep.
Guh Come here.
Come here.
Come with me.
Man, it is a good day to be alive.
It's a good day to be alive, isn't it? Okay, guys.
She's all yours.
You might wanna see this.
I banged your girlfriend.
What time did he say? Uh, "later bar, night or day sometime.
" What does that mean? I don't know.
Hey, any of you guys seen that Ali Baba sword Charlie had? What? The little shit dumped me in a Dumpster last night, and I'm takin' all his stuff.
It's every man for himself.
I gotta find that Ali Baba sword.
Pour me a shot there, Dee.
I am the man.
Why are you so chipper? Well, I got punked out by this peace activist.
So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization, I banged his girlfriend, and then I Hey, Frank! You recognize this young man right here? Interrupt me.
All right.
Or should I say, "Hey, Dad"? Yeah.
That's right, everybody.
Who would like to hear a mind-blowing story? Nobody.
Give us back our baby so we can paint it.
Oh, you're gonna paint it, huh? Well, be careful painting it, 'cause you'll be painting my brother.
But I guess you already knew that, didn't you, Dad? What the hell are you talkin' about, Charlie? I'm talkin' about you and the waitress dumpin' your baby in a Dumpster! And the abortion that you tried to make my mom have? Well, guess what, Frankie.
It didn't take.
I'm an abortion survivor, Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad! Charlie! First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby.
That is not my baby.
Second of all, your mother is feedin' you a line of crap Holy shit.
You guys kept the Ali Baba sword? Gimme the sword! That's the sword I want.
Back off, man.
It's my sword anyway Stop grabbin' it!