Jersey Shore s03e01 Episode Script
Back to the Shore
- I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! - We are here to, like, blow this place apart.
- Party's here.
Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- Oh, my! - Sammi, she really, like, surprised me.
- Your girlfriend over here hooked up with my boy.
- Ronnie's [Bleep.]
Ing hot.
I'm attracted.
- They're starting to get to know me.
And they're like, "you know what, snooki? You're a real cool girl.
" I'm like, "thank you.
" Like, finally.
- Oh! - Oh! - We pretty much became a family, and we loved each other.
- We killed it in Jersey.
It was a blast.
I want this thing forever.
[Cheering.]
- Miami, here we come.
- This is nice.
- Hello? - What up, big pimp? - [Shrieks.]
- I love Miami - We came down to Miami as one big family.
Everybody was pretty close.
- It's t-shirt time.
- Since then, the family isn't exactly the same.
- Snook, come to daddy.
- Did I bang snooki last night? - Like, this big.
- Ronnie thinks that by getting into a fight that he's allowed to creep.
- I'll go sleep with my girl on the bed.
How about that? You know what I'm saying? - Do you think she has a right to know? - I mean, I don't know.
- Ron made out with two girls.
- This is gonna be so bad.
- You asked for her number.
- I got her number, yes.
- [Bleep.]
You.
Who wrote the note? You too.
- She wrote it too! - [Bleep.]
You, Nicole! And your [Bleep.]
Ing sidekick! - I'm in your [Bleep.]
Ing face right now.
You called me a [Bleep.]
! - Aah! - Bye.
Bye.
- He's not even gonna say good-bye to jenni.
- Holy [Bleep.]
.
- What Ron will do to her in the future will just go to show who was actually there for her and who wasn't.
- No! - Miami! - See ya, Miami! - I'm gonna miss you, Miami.
So now it's time for us to shoot back up to Jersey because it's summertime in Jersey.
It's gonna be an unbelievable year, and it's gonna be pretty cool.
- Hey, I'm so excited to be back at the Jersey shore house.
[Get crazy by lmfao.]
- Dj pauly delvecchio! - I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [Laughing.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go vinny! Go vinny! - Um, hello! - If you wanna have fun and do something crazy - Whoo! - I'm so excited to go to the Jersey shore.
Oh, yeah! I cannot wait to go to the [Bleep.]
Ing Jersey shore.
Seaside is definitely more of my scene with the guys.
[Spraying.]
I'm so excited to get back into my house, pop some bottles, and hook up with my roommates.
Is this the wrong heel? [Thud.]
I look like a hooker.
Sick.
[Whining.]
[Grunts.]
[Bleep.]
My life! I should not be wearing hooker boots.
Oh, God.
I'll just close this.
Aah! [Horn honks.]
[Laughs.]
No! I stalled! Hopefully I make it to the shore.
Yeah, buddy.
You know what? Angelina, she's done.
I kicked her ass out in Miami, and I just need a party girl, so I invited my girl deena.
The roommates don't know that I'm doing this.
Deena is like another snooki.
She loves to party.
She loves to be loud and obnoxious.
She doesn't give a [Bleep.]
About what anybody thinks.
Hello.
That's me.
I'm almost at your house, bitch.
Be excited.
- Oh, I'm so excited! Deena is, like, one of my best friends, and she's gonna be my partner in crime.
Oh, jeez Louise.
[Horn honks.]
Bitch! How ready are you? I missed you.
- Me and Nicole are really close, and as soon as I met her, it was like ahhh It was, like, love at first sight.
We started calling each other all the time.
We hung out.
We'd go to clubs.
You know, go guy shopping.
So that's why, like, when she called me and she invited me down, I was like, thank God.
- I love you.
Have a great time.
- Bye.
I love you.
- Nice to meet you.
- It was so good to meet you.
Girls, knock 'em dead.
- Let's go.
- Whoo! Bye! I'm so excited! I can't wait.
- I'm gonna tell you a little inside scoop about the roommates.
Jenni, you're gonna love jenni, 'cause I love jenni.
We're gonna be, like, three besties.
- Tom? - Yeah.
- Can you help me with my bag? - Oh, don't break the new thing we just bought.
Me and tom definitely need a break from each other.
I'll call you when I get there tonight.
[Dog barks.]
Shut up! We've been getting into, like, some serious fights lately.
I have been really excited to go to Jersey.
Love you.
Away from my long island problems.
Like, long island problems being tom.
- On to the next one.
Pauly, adorable.
You're gonna love him.
You'll probably have sex with him.
- [Laughs.]
- Just saying.
And then, Mike is, like, a sweet guy.
[Laughs.]
Vinny, sweetheart.
You're gonna love him.
- Oh, I can't wait.
- [Laughs.]
- Whew! Smells like the situation.
This is the family shore house, round two.
This is Jersey back again, so I'm pretty excited to be, you know, back where everything had started.
Voila.
We've got this going down.
- You're gonna love this.
I bought a little shower caddy so no one can [Bleep.]
With my shampoo and soaps and stuff.
- Um, who am I missing? Oh, Ron and Sam.
Pbbt! - [Laughs.]
- That's all I have to say.
Pbbt! I don't know Ronnie anymore.
I used to love him, and in Miami, everything just got [Bleep.]
Ed up because of Sam, and if I could take it back, what I did with Sam, trying to be a good friend to her, I would.
- I'm headed out right now.
I'm gonna go pick up Sam.
We've been together for a year.
We're gonna celebrate when we get down there.
Me and Sammi are pretty good right now.
We took a gigantic step from Miami.
[Bleep.]
Roller coaster ride that was.
But, uh [Laughs.]
- Miami was hard for me to handle.
I'm still working on things, take it day by day and see what happens.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, are you ready? - Yeah.
- I just hope that he will never do that to me ever again, 'cause that was a little bit traumatizing.
- Bye, guys.
Miss you.
Ronnie, take care of my daughter.
- Bye.
Off to the Jersey shore.
- Wow, they seem like a good frickin' time.
- Hell yeah.
We're gonna hit up karma, we're gonna hit up bamboo.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Headliners.
- Headliners.
- Has tight pool parties.
- Yes.
Can't wait to go guy shopping.
- Hell yeah.
- Oh, I love faux hawks.
It's my best thing.
- Faux hawks? Ron has a faux hawk.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- Uh-oh.
[Both laugh.]
- That would be [Bleep.]
Ing hilarious because when Ron gets drunk, he's single.
- You never know what happens when you put a little cherry vodka in deena and Nicole's blood, so It definitely is intimidating coming into this as the new girl.
No one knows me yet, so it's just like, hopefully these people like me.
[Laughs.]
Oh, deena, this is going to be interesting.
- I'm going to the Jersey shore.
It's like my second home.
The Jersey shore is in my blood.
My father went to the Jersey shore.
My uncles went to the Jersey shore.
I have to go where I belong.
Like a monkey has to go to the [Bleep.]
Ing jungle, I belong at the Jersey shore.
- Last summer was crazy on the Jersey shore.
I actually miss it.
I miss the boardwalk.
I miss the beach.
I miss the clubs.
But we are absolutely gonna top last summer.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Miss you too.
Love you.
- All right.
Hold it down over here for me.
- You look like you're all set.
Gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
I'll call you.
Bye.
Love you.
Love you.
- It's so sad.
[Riders screaming.]
- This time hell is gonna hear us live life - What the [Bleep.]
'S up in this bitch? No one.
Yeah, [Bleep.]
.
We're the first one to arrive in the house.
- Oh, the duck phone.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm back.
Seriously.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah, we're sleeping up here.
Bring your stuff up here.
- You know, I arrived first, so nobody else was there, so I was able to choose from any room I wanted, and I kind of figured, old room upstairs is much nicer than downstairs.
There's three beds in there.
As long as I'm with Ron, anybody else can come stay with us.
Like, it's not gonna be awkward.
Who do you think's coming next? - Probably Mike.
- I have a feeling the whore bag's gonna be next.
[Car door shuts.]
- Oh, somebody's here.
- You you hear? You hear people? - [Laughs.]
- Who is it? - Go upstairs.
- Who is it? - You were right.
- Whore bag? - Yeah.
I'm helping her with nothing.
- Just whore? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I hope she [Bleep.]
S herself when she sees me.
- [Groans.]
- [Laughs.]
- Party's here, times two! - Hi, I'm deena.
Nice to meet you.
- Everyone was so nice, but Sam, she was like, "uhh! Hi.
" She's laughing at me.
- I definitely am.
- I didn't have any problems with you ever, and now I do.
[Rock music.]
- Me and Ron and Sam have not spoken since Miami.
Um, I have no intention of patching [Bleep.]
Up.
It's too late.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop! - [Bleep.]
! - Hey, stop! - Go upstairs.
- I'm pretty sure jwoww's gonna come running up here, knowing that this is, like, the best room in the house, and Ron goes into the bathroom and leaves me out in the, like, hallway with the luggages.
You know what I mean? - Uhh! - [Laughs.]
Hello, I'm here in the room you wanted, and, um, I think she almost [Bleep.]
Herself, - Ron and Sam took the upstairs room, which basically [Bleep.]
Ed it up for everybody in the house.
I hope they get at [Bleep.]
Ing incurable disease living up there.
- Yeah, it's vin.
- Now everyone's a martian, alien - Thank God.
Vinny! - Wow, it's like a time warp.
- Okay, so Ron and Sam are upstairs.
- Upstairs where? - In that room.
The three bedroom.
- The three bedroom? The nice bathroom with the upgraded bedroom.
So where the [Bleep.]
Should I sleep? - You could take that bed if you want.
There's nobody there's nobody on that side.
- I don't want to sleep in here.
[Bleep.]
! - We're not gonna do anything.
- I'm not sleeping in here.
- [Laughs.]
- I think it's weird that Ronnie and Sammi took the bedroom upstairs with three beds in it.
I'm just gonna pick this room over here.
Even if I'm best friends in the world with them, I want a room where I can bring girls back to and [Bleep.]
.
You know? And that's I can't do it in front of Sammi.
- hey yeah - Who is it? Pauly? Your boyfriend? - Of course.
See how excited he is? He's like a little kid.
Look, he's so excited.
Look.
- Ma? Ma? [Laughter.]
- Yo, what up, pimp? We got our duck phone back.
- What's going on? Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- How are you doing? - Hi.
- Good.
What's going on? - What's up? - Yo, where am I sleeping? [Laughter.]
- I got a bed for you, dog.
- This one's mine.
- All right, straight.
Yeah, definitely.
The room situation's all screwed up.
Like, Ronnie and Sam are upstairs, and there's an extra bed with them, kind of awkward.
It's like, I don't want to get that room, the boring room.
But there's a bed right next to vinny's, which is I'm cool with that.
I'll just I'll just bunk with vinny.
- What is that, vin? - Oh, it's my sh It's my shower caddy.
- Oh.
- You never heard of a shower caddy, dog? - Yo, vinny's mad funny.
Like, it's a cool idea.
A shower caddy's great.
But you're a dude.
So I gotta let everybody know vinny has a shower caddy.
Yo, when we meet you on the boardwalk, I'm gonna be like, "yo.
" - It's his shower caddy.
- He got a shower caddy.
- Oh, lookit.
A loofa.
- Yo, can I use it, dog? [Laughter.]
- I'm in seaside, bitch.
- Remember the bottle that I told you I was gonna pop open when I get there? - You opened it already.
- I did.
- You're such a whore.
- Before I left my house, I definitely opened the bottle and took, like, three shots.
- So would I, if I wasn't driving.
- [Laughs.]
I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I just can't wait to, like, blow the [Bleep.]
Ing speakers off this house.
But don't tell anybody I'm drunk I'm just gonna walk in like I'm a good time.
- [Bleep.]
.
- [Laughs.]
- If you think you got it come on now - Let's go, bitch.
- All right.
- I'm just really, really excited to, like, be back in seaside.
This is like gorilla juicehead guido heaven.
- Snooki did come with someone.
- Oh, my God.
This brings back memories! Are you ready? Boo-boo! Oh, my God, I missed you! I've got a girl.
Deena.
- Hi, new roommate.
- New roommate, bitches.
- New roommate.
- Party's here, times two! - Party of two's here.
- Snooki! What up? - Hello! - I'm your new roommate.
- Snooki walks through the door with this gremlin lookalike, and she says she's the new roommate.
- Hi, I'm deena.
Nice to meet you.
- What's her name? Diana? Deena? She looks exactly like snooki.
Like, four feet tall.
Short, little, like, meatball.
Exactly like snooki.
- She looks like she's ready to party, I'm just saying.
- She is.
Double trouble.
- Double trouble right here.
Where's our room? - Whoops, sorry.
I brought deena inside the house, everyone was so nice.
But Sam, she was like, "uhh! Hi.
" Like her little valley girl self.
- Deena? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Deena.
You can call me Dee.
Deena Nicole, whatever you want.
- I wanted us three to room.
- We are, right here.
- How fun.
- Yay.
You're gonna be my new best friend.
- It'll be fun.
- This is it? - They [Bleep.]
Ed it up.
Yeah, they [Bleep.]
Ed it up.
So now it's pauly and vinny and us three.
- Well, good.
So the good people are downstairs.
- Yeah.
- And the [Bleep.]
Ers are upstairs.
I'm a little pissed off because Ron and Sam got that room.
But jenni is a doll, and she picked the room with three beds.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Thank God, because if I didn't live with one of those two, I'd probably kill myself.
What's up, bitches? - Whoo! - Snooki and deena taking over this town! - What do you think of her? - She looks like a gremlin.
- I thought she was gonna be hot.
And I'm a little I'm a little taken aback, right? I'm in this house with now three girls, and apparently deena knows snooki from home, so they're bff.
And now it's three against one.
Snooki's [Bleep.]
Ing jenni's bitch.
The girl's probably gonna be snooki's bitch.
It's me against this whole house.
Do you get that? - What are the situations with the rooms right now? - You're upstairs.
- Wow.
- Just looking at Mike, you see "miserable" tattooed on his forehead.
That's a bad situation.
He [Bleep.]
Ed my best friend right in front of me.
- What do you mean? - I saw your [Bleep.]
Ing ass, jerkoff! [Rock music.]
- You masterbatin'? - Yo, I have a vibrator if you need it.
I'm on a two-month dry spell.
I haven't had sex in two months.
There's not a chance.
There's not a chance it's happening.
So hopefully I'll find somebody.
- Do you want to see mine? I'll show you mine.
- Show me it.
Do you have the rabbit? - I call my vibrator the elmo, because "tickle me, elmo ," you know what I mean? - Yes.
- She's green.
- That's it? - Listen, honey, this [Bleep.]
Does wonders.
- [Laughs.]
- But, you know, I have vinny in the house now, so maybe I don't need the vibrator.
We'll see.
I love this room.
- I feel like this is, like, yesterday.
Damn, I don't see it.
I'm feeling really good.
I'm excited.
I'm back in my home area, and I'm just looking forward to seeing everybody right now.
- Mike! - Oh! - Oh, my God.
What up? Man, how is this place? What's the deal, man? What's what is everybody doing? - How are you doing, man? - Listen, I need to tell you something.
- Hi, I'm your new roomie.
- Oh, yeah? Okay.
- Angelina isn't coming back.
- Hi, how are you? - Oh, that's fantastic.
Is everybody here? Am I the last one? - Yep.
- Yeah.
- For real? - Yeah.
- What's what's the sit What are the situations with the rooms right now? Are they the same rooms or no? - You're upstairs.
- What? I'm upstairs? - Yeah.
- I'm upstairs? For real? - I actually feel bad for Mike because he really got the [Bleep.]
End of the stick.
Nobody wanted to room with Ron and Sam.
- What is it? Where is it at? - Sam's old bedroom.
- Who's in It's Sam's old bed? - Yeah.
- Unfortunately, it could have been mvp in that room.
Uh, Mikey-vinny-pauly.
Why Ron and Sam would pick a room with three beds, uh, is definitely sort of baffling.
Wow.
It sucks being the last person.
Whatever.
- Just looking at Mike, you see "miserable" tattooed on his forehead.
That's a bad situation.
- Wow.
- Burgers for the boys.
- I'm hungry.
- Chef boyar-vin.
- Supposedly it's 80% lean, 20% fat.
That's how I like my women.
- I thought it was the other way around.
[Both laugh.]
- You see snooki's hair? Doesn't she look like a fireball? - She does.
- I love it.
- She's like a firecracker.
- I am.
[Laughter.]
- Jersey.
- Where? I live in Jersey also.
Bitch, I'm here.
I know every part of Jersey.
Just tell me where the [Bleep.]
You're from.
- Like what part? - It was very disrespectful.
Sammi kind of just, like, looked at her with disgust.
That's just rude.
- I'm new, so I was like, I'm gonna come in here with an open mind, and I tried.
It's gonna be three against one.
- Okay, you guys want to eat inside? Yo, snook's friend is hot.
She can get it.
- You mean your new roommate.
- Do you have a job? - Yeah, I'm a dental assistant and I waitress.
- Who else was a dental assistant? - Angelina! - Today's the last day we're even gonna mention that girl's name.
[Laughter.]
- Um, I love to have a good time.
I'm single, ready to mingle, and I'm just like a walking holiday.
- Oh, nice.
- A walking holiday? Like, what does that mean? Are you gonna give out candy? Like, I don't get it.
- You seem like a fun time.
You really do.
- I'm a blast in a glass.
This is a blast in a glass.
- If deena was a holiday, she'd definitely be Thanksgiving, 'cause she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing.
- [Laughs.]
- Here's to a good summer and a blast! - Yes, yes, yes.
Cheers, cheers.
Cheers.
[Bleep.]
.
- Yeah, no.
I'm not gonna cheer to deena.
No.
- All right.
- Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the family.
- Nice to meet you.
- We are like a family.
- I'm glad that you guys are welcoming and not like this bitch.
"Get out of here.
" - No, with all seriousness, I think the way you treat people in this house is the way you're gonna get it back.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I'm a very respectful person, but if, like, someone should step on my toes, like, I probably will be the same way.
- Well, we're all the same.
- It's like, if you can't take the heat, get the [Bleep.]
Out of the kitchen.
You know? - All right.
- Whoa! - I swear to God, if vinny hooks up with this girl, done ties with vinny.
- Sammi's like, "[Bleep.]
.
" - I hope she rots in hell.
- You come into this [Bleep.]
Ing house! This is my [Bleep.]
Ing house! - I think we're gonna play flip cup before we go.
- Oh, flip the cup? I love flip the cup! Flip the cup! Flip the cup! - We decided to play flip cup 'cause we want to stay in, and of course, Ron and Sam are nowhere to be seen.
It just goes to show that they're not willing to participate in the household.
Like, they're dead.
- Flip the cup, flip the cup.
- Me, me, who's next? - Win, win! - When I see everybody drinking with me, it's like hallelujah, hallelujah - Default.
The wind.
- What wind? You gotta deal with the elements.
You gotta deal with the elements.
- Go.
- [Bleep.]
Ing wind.
- What are they doing? - They're on the porch or something.
- I can't deal with [Bleep.]
Ing meatballs.
- Let's get wasted - Okay, drink it.
Just drink it.
- Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! [Cheering.]
- First shot! [Laughter.]
- The drunks are your friends we'll just sit here wasting our time - Hold on.
Let's take a winner pose.
- And then you woke up and [Bleep.]
.
- Did we ever lose at anything? - No.
Good point.
- There's nobody listenin' - What would you do if you were me right now? You don't know what I'm going through right now.
- I do.
Don't tell me I don't.
'Cause you know I do.
And I want you to know I like you.
I'm madly in love with you.
I want to be there for you.
- Why? - Because you're my girlfriend.
- Hot tub.
- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, yes, jacuzzi! Cheers, to you inviting me.
Whoa! - I like the middle.
- We're in the hot tub and there's an issue.
As of right now, I'm a little upset with vinny.
Maybe he wants to be with deena.
I don't know.
- This drink you made was awesome.
- Thank you.
- Whatever you did.
- Here.
I made a blast in your glass.
- I swear to God, if vinny hooks up with this girl, done ties with vinny.
Done ties.
- What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? - What are you talking about? - Hello.
- All I know is, I'm having a blast.
- I love it how [Bleep.]
Ing funny it is that you [Bleep.]
Have sex with my best friend.
- Who? - Ryder.
Like, two weeks ago, vinny hooked up with my best friend ryder.
Like, legit, had sex to where I walked in and saw them.
That's not okay.
Ew! - Oh, yeah, for sure, right.
- I hooked up with snooki's friend ryder.
Like, I didn't know it was a problem.
It was just like, we were all out one night.
I don't feel I was wrong by doing it.
- He [Bleep.]
Ed my best friend right in front of me.
- I don't know what you want me to do.
Like, you like guys.
You have boyfriends, like - But I didn't have sex with them like that.
- What? Like like what? - I saw your [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
, jerkoff! - Oh, my God.
- He [Bleep.]
Ed ryder.
- Dun dun dun - [Laughs.]
- So, what's it like, being a dental assistant? - Oh, my God.
- This is not a good time.
Like, this is like the most horrible time ever.
- You're such a jerkoff.
- Fine.
Be like that.
- You don't realize how much I care about you and how much I like you.
- I care about you the same exact way.
- Ah, you don't.
When I told you that I had feelings for you and then you [Bleep.]
Ing go and, like, smush my best friend, that's not okay.
- I'm sorry if I hurt you, but, you know, that's not what I intended.
I give up.
- No, nothing.
You're gonna hook up with grenades, but you can't [Bleep.]
Ing make out with me? Are you serious? I don't understand how you could have sex with Angelina and then I try and hook up with you Don't ever even look at me the same way.
Or don't even ever try to hook up with me like that.
- 'Cause I don't want to hurt you, and I won't.
'Cause I don't want to hurt you.
- It's over.
- Oh! - whoo I gotta let you know you really broke my heart - I'm I'm sorry I have a [Bleep.]
Ing penis.
- Stick it in one of the jet holes.
I'm going to bed.
- Oh - Mike, come on.
- You're not gonna believe the new chick.
She's totally getting butt naked.
- [Bleep.]
! - You laughed at me for no reason! - I still laughing at you.
- [Bleep.]
You! [Rock music.]
- [Laughs.]
We're just trying to have a good time this summer.
That's it.
- You are a blast and a holiday.
- Wait, where's my [Bleep.]
Ing blast in a glass hat? - I don't know.
- You have a you have a blast in a glass hat? - Yes.
Where is my hat? - You're looking for your lucky hat? - Yeah.
- I can go find your lucky hat.
- Do you want to come with? - Yeah, um, let's go find it.
- Cowboy hat is probably another term for deena's kooka.
- All right.
- Well, let's survey the area from here.
- Okay, with the words.
Let's just [Bleep.]
Ing find my hat.
[Laughs.]
Where's my hat? - We'll find it.
- You help me.
Mike, come on.
Help me find my hat.
Should I get this or my cowboy hat? - Yes, your lucky hat.
- Wah.
- Let's find your cowboy hat.
Deena is awkwardly cute and, uh, we got a situation.
- Here's my cowboy hat.
- I can see it now.
I-I can see it.
You look you look good.
So you, like, wave it in the air and stuff? - And I have to [Indistinct.]
In my bikini, like this.
- Uh-huh.
- And just have a good time.
- Oh, wow.
Really? - It looks like a good time.
Everything looks situated.
[Laughs.]
This woman starts to, you know, pull their dress on.
As she's doing that, she's totally getting butt naked.
[Laughs.]
- Subtlety is underrated - No, you can't do it.
No, you can't do it now.
- Do I really want to do this right now? Does the situation want to get situated right now? You hit like a in the house home run just now.
- No, I don't even want to talk about it, because that was really bad.
- In the house home run.
And, um, the answer is, day one, I had to pull the eject button.
Pssh! You look great.
Listen, you look You look awesome.
- When Mike saw my nahnah, I was just like, oh, my God.
Like, a day? Really? It took a day for somebody to see my goods.
I can't.
- You are in great shape right now.
This is only between me and you.
I'm downstairs, right? - Are you talking [Beep.]
Already? - Not yet.
- This is not bad! - You tried bending over the bed.
- Let's get this situation straight.
- What? - This needs to be gracefully explained.
She goes, "get my cowboy hat.
" So I'm like, "yo, you got cowboy boots?" She's like, "no ," she's like, "but I look good with just the hat on.
" So, you know, she goes, "and my bikini.
" So she closed her eyes, and as she was doing it, she took everything off, like like, every And I guess she didn't know that it was off.
- [Laughs.]
- She's like like, still with her eyes closed.
She's butt naked.
She's butt naked.
- Deena accidentally showed her kooka to Mike.
Man, every first day in Jersey, just something crazy goes down.
- Hey, you.
- If I see your [Bleep.]
Ing penis rise, I'm going to bed.
That's all I'm saying.
- He saw my nahnah.
- Why don't you put some pajamas on? You know, that's a good situation.
- Should I put on sexy pajamas? Where are you going? - I think I'm just gonna hide in my room.
You have no idea what just happened.
- What? - She's really drunk, I guess.
I don't even know if she's drunk or if she's just - Stupid? - Whatever, yeah.
- I'm gonna go with stupid.
- [Laughs.]
- Where is everybody? - They're sleeping.
- We're gonna wake them up.
- Uh, I'm not going upstairs.
- Who is sleeping? - Oh, my God.
She's on crack if she goes upstairs.
- Nobody has ever, ever gotten butt, butt, butt naked.
She did.
- [Laughs.]
- Mike, you have [Bleep.]
, all right? Wake the [Bleep.]
Up.
- What do you mean, wake up? - Wake up.
- For what? - We're trying to have a good time.
- You're annoying.
- [Laughs.]
- She's laughing at me.
- No, she's not.
- I definitely am.
[Laughs.]
- You're the biggest bitch.
- I'm here and I'm staying.
- You are a [Bleep.]
Ing slutty-assed bitch! - I'll [Bleep.]
Ing pound you! - Step out of it! Put your hands on me.
Hit me! - Where is everybody? We're gonna wake them up.
- Uh, I'm not going upstairs.
She's on crack if she goes upstairs.
- She's really drunk, I guess.
I don't even know if she's drunk or if she's just - Stupid? - Whatever, yeah.
- I'm gonna go with stupid.
- [Laughs.]
- Nobody has ever, ever gotten butt, butt, butt naked.
She did.
- [Laughs.]
- Mike, you have [Bleep.]
, all right? Wake the [Bleep.]
Up.
- What do you mean, wake up? - Wake up.
- For what? - You could tell.
She's like, "Mike," like, all on his bed.
Like like a snooki.
Like, it reminded me of like how snooki would be, going into, like, the guy's room.
- Uhh! You're annoying.
- Yeah.
You're annoying.
- [Laughs.]
- I was drunk.
I wanted to snuggle.
Nothing, like, crazy.
Like, I really just wanted to snuggle, and this bitch laughs.
- No, you don't have to leave if you don't want to.
- No, I'm fine.
- Good night.
- Come cuddle with me.
- [Laughs.]
- Bitch, I will smack that [Bleep.]
Ing grin right off your face.
Seriously.
She's laughing at me.
- She's not laughing at you.
- She is.
- No, she's not.
- I definitely am.
- I didn't do anything to you.
- Okay.
- I didn't have any problems with you ever.
- Okay.
- And now I do.
- Hello! - And so does everybody else in the house.
- Cool.
- That's cool.
- [Laughs.]
- They're embarrassing, and Sammi's a [Bleep.]
.
- Why? - And that's all.
- [Laughs.]
- You want to walk out of my room, calling me a [Bleep.]
.
Can't say it to my face.
Hell yeah.
I have a problem with you now.
- What happened? - She's like a [Bleep.]
In a bag.
I tried to be nice to this girl.
- Who? - I hope she rots in hell.
I do.
I will [Bleep.]
Ing knock her out.
- Talk all you want.
- What happened? What'd I miss? - Have I done anything wrong, being in this house? - We've been here, like, for five hours.
- I don't care.
- That was very awkward, very audacious of a rookie - What does audacious mean? - In calling a veteran - I don't really [Bleep.]
Ing care.
- I can't believe deena called Sammi the "c" word on the first night.
It's the first night.
Those are fighting words.
- You are the blast from the past.
- Don't tell me who I am.
What is it, the blast in a cup? I am putting you up for rookie of the year award.
You are going for rookie of the year award.
Not only were you butt naked on the first day - You do not talk to me.
Like, I am a good person to everybody, but if you want to laugh at me and make fun of me - Yeah.
- I will [Bleep.]
Ing make your life miserable.
- What holiday is it? Halloween? - I love how she's not saying one word to my face.
[Laughs.]
- She's just like snooki.
- I'm sitting in bed, I kind of was like brushing it off, and then I say, no.
- This bitch, this bitch.
Good, go cuddle with your [Bleep.]
Ing boyfriend.
Don't talk to me.
- Listen.
Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
- Then Ron jumps up to go downstairs, and I'm like, who does this girl think she is? - Listen, listen.
Don't no, no, no.
Don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved, all right, deena? You come into this house, this is my [Bleep.]
Ing house! Listen, bitch, you don't [Bleep.]
Ing know me.
You're in my [Bleep.]
Ing house.
You just walked through the door.
You earn respect in this [Bleep.]
Ing house.
You don't [Bleep.]
Ing just get it.
No, don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved! - I'm not! - You got a problem with my [Bleep.]
Ing girlfriend, you deal with it with her, do you understand me? I'm upstairs no, no, no.
I'm not done talking! I'm not done talking! I'm not done talking, okay? When I'm done, you can talk.
That's the way it works.
All right? - What happened? - This bitch.
Go cuddle with your [Bleep.]
Ing boyfriend.
- Listen, listen, listen.
Don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved, all right, deena? She just kept talking [Bleep.]
, so I got up and I gave her a piece of my mind.
I'm upstairs no, no, no.
I'm not done talking! When I'm done, you can talk.
That's the way it works.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- You got a problem with my [Bleep.]
Ing girlfriend, you deal with it with her, so shut the [Bleep.]
Up! - Okay, but she's now laughing at me.
- Because - No, no, no, no.
Get off of me! - I thought it was such a [Bleep.]
Move when Ronnie came down for Sammi.
Like, let your girlfriend do her fighting battles on her own.
Don't talk to me the way you're talking to me, first of all! And second of all - [Imitates deena's voice.]
First of all, second of all.
- I don't care who you are! - [Monotone.]
I don't care who you are.
- So go upstairs.
- I don't I don't know who you think you are.
- You don't Just go to sleep.
- Deena kind of reminded me of, like, a dirty chihuahua, just barking, and, like, you kind of just want to smack it to the side.
- I'd rather have [Bleep.]
Ing Angelina back.
- Hold on a second.
Don't walk out of my room calling me a [Bleep.]
.
- You laughed at me for no reason! Get real! - I'm still laughing at you.
- Who are you talking to? - I'm talking to you.
Diana, deena, whatever the [Bleep.]
Your name is.
- Yeah.
I didn't start with you! - You're the new girl.
Shut up, you stupid [Bleep.]
.
- Ooh, here it comes.
- You fucking [Bleep.]
! - [Bleep.]
You! [Bleep.]
You! [Bleep.]
You! - You don't want to piss off deena like that, because even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a [Bleep.]
.
I will [Bleep.]
Ing attack you like a squirrel monkey.
Sam, you were such a bitch.
You're a [Bleep.]
, the biggest bitch I've ever met in my entire life.
You are the biggest [Bleep.]
Ing bitch.
I don't understand how you even have friends.
You are the biggest bitch.
- I'm here and I'm staying, whether you like it or not.
- You are a [Bleep.]
Ing slutty-assed bitch! - Thank you.
- You don't give a [Bleep.]
About anybody else but yourself.
- I knew, coming into this house, that there was unfinished drama between Sammi and the girls.
I just didn't think it was gonna come out like this, and I didn't think it was gonna happen on the first day.
- You're not a true friend.
You're a backstabbing bitch.
You showed it to me in [Bleep.]
Ing Miami, you [Bleep.]
Ing bitch! You were fake as [Bleep.]
! You pretended to be my [Bleep.]
Ing friend, and you [Bleep.]
Ing weren't even telling me yourself.
- Are you serious? - I am dead serious, you [Bleep.]
Fake bitch! Ron, is she fake? Do you think she's fake? I'm asking you.
- Yeah, she's fake.
- Okay, Ronnie, your mom called me every single [Bleep.]
Ing week! "Why the [Bleep.]
Is my son with this bony-assed bitch?" I might have fabricated a little bit, saying that Ronnie's mom said that Sam is a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word.
- Like, honestly, I don't know who you think you are, snooki, but I don't know why you would even say things like that.
- Even though I don't like you, well, I will always love Ronnie.
- He doesn't even [Bleep.]
Ing like you.
- All right, snook, you need to relax, 'cause you're a [Bleep.]
Ing loser from poughkeepsie, and you know it.
And you know it! - [Bleep.]
! - First of all, come here and I'll [Bleep.]
Ing pound you, bitch! - You bitch! Step out of it! - Put your hands on me, then.
- Yo, babe.
No, stop! - Some people right here.
- Jersey shore! Jersey shore! Jersey shore! - Hold up, get a drink in your cup - Last summer was crazy on the Jersey shore, but we know each other now.
We're gonna hit Jersey hard.
- That was so much fun! - We've got a new roommate, and we all welcomed deena in with open arms.
- Mvpd.
- Mvpd.
- Are we good? - Yeah.
- Aah! [Horn blows.]
- This is gonna feel a little uncomfortable.
[High-pitched squeak.]
- [Laughs.]
- [Groans.]
- Where's the beach? Where the [Bleep.]
'S the beach? Where? - Nicole! - I did nothing [Bleep.]
Ing wrong! - Tom totally broke up with jenni.
- [Crying.]
I don't deserve this.
- [Bleep.]
, do whatever the [Bleep.]
You want.
I'm done with this [Bleep.]
.
- [Crying.]
- Oh! - Oh! - [Bleep.]
Stabbed me in the [Bleep.]
Back! I've never stabbed you in the back! - And now I [Bleep.]
Ing see it.
- The dynamic definitely has changed.
You know, it's not one big happy family anymore.
- Are you friends with her? I'm sorry for the next bitch you [Bleep.]
Ing take over.
I hate you! INeed to go.
- Aah! - Ew, get the [Bleep.]
Off my arm.
- You're talking to a police officer like that.
- I don't care.
I'm a [Bleep.]
Ing good person.
- Is she gonna be all right, though? - Aw, [Bleep.]
.
[Siren.]
It wasn't all fun.
- Party's here.
Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- Oh, my! - Sammi, she really, like, surprised me.
- Your girlfriend over here hooked up with my boy.
- Ronnie's [Bleep.]
Ing hot.
I'm attracted.
- They're starting to get to know me.
And they're like, "you know what, snooki? You're a real cool girl.
" I'm like, "thank you.
" Like, finally.
- Oh! - Oh! - We pretty much became a family, and we loved each other.
- We killed it in Jersey.
It was a blast.
I want this thing forever.
[Cheering.]
- Miami, here we come.
- This is nice.
- Hello? - What up, big pimp? - [Shrieks.]
- I love Miami - We came down to Miami as one big family.
Everybody was pretty close.
- It's t-shirt time.
- Since then, the family isn't exactly the same.
- Snook, come to daddy.
- Did I bang snooki last night? - Like, this big.
- Ronnie thinks that by getting into a fight that he's allowed to creep.
- I'll go sleep with my girl on the bed.
How about that? You know what I'm saying? - Do you think she has a right to know? - I mean, I don't know.
- Ron made out with two girls.
- This is gonna be so bad.
- You asked for her number.
- I got her number, yes.
- [Bleep.]
You.
Who wrote the note? You too.
- She wrote it too! - [Bleep.]
You, Nicole! And your [Bleep.]
Ing sidekick! - I'm in your [Bleep.]
Ing face right now.
You called me a [Bleep.]
! - Aah! - Bye.
Bye.
- He's not even gonna say good-bye to jenni.
- Holy [Bleep.]
.
- What Ron will do to her in the future will just go to show who was actually there for her and who wasn't.
- No! - Miami! - See ya, Miami! - I'm gonna miss you, Miami.
So now it's time for us to shoot back up to Jersey because it's summertime in Jersey.
It's gonna be an unbelievable year, and it's gonna be pretty cool.
- Hey, I'm so excited to be back at the Jersey shore house.
[Get crazy by lmfao.]
- Dj pauly delvecchio! - I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [Laughing.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go vinny! Go vinny! - Um, hello! - If you wanna have fun and do something crazy - Whoo! - I'm so excited to go to the Jersey shore.
Oh, yeah! I cannot wait to go to the [Bleep.]
Ing Jersey shore.
Seaside is definitely more of my scene with the guys.
[Spraying.]
I'm so excited to get back into my house, pop some bottles, and hook up with my roommates.
Is this the wrong heel? [Thud.]
I look like a hooker.
Sick.
[Whining.]
[Grunts.]
[Bleep.]
My life! I should not be wearing hooker boots.
Oh, God.
I'll just close this.
Aah! [Horn honks.]
[Laughs.]
No! I stalled! Hopefully I make it to the shore.
Yeah, buddy.
You know what? Angelina, she's done.
I kicked her ass out in Miami, and I just need a party girl, so I invited my girl deena.
The roommates don't know that I'm doing this.
Deena is like another snooki.
She loves to party.
She loves to be loud and obnoxious.
She doesn't give a [Bleep.]
About what anybody thinks.
Hello.
That's me.
I'm almost at your house, bitch.
Be excited.
- Oh, I'm so excited! Deena is, like, one of my best friends, and she's gonna be my partner in crime.
Oh, jeez Louise.
[Horn honks.]
Bitch! How ready are you? I missed you.
- Me and Nicole are really close, and as soon as I met her, it was like ahhh It was, like, love at first sight.
We started calling each other all the time.
We hung out.
We'd go to clubs.
You know, go guy shopping.
So that's why, like, when she called me and she invited me down, I was like, thank God.
- I love you.
Have a great time.
- Bye.
I love you.
- Nice to meet you.
- It was so good to meet you.
Girls, knock 'em dead.
- Let's go.
- Whoo! Bye! I'm so excited! I can't wait.
- I'm gonna tell you a little inside scoop about the roommates.
Jenni, you're gonna love jenni, 'cause I love jenni.
We're gonna be, like, three besties.
- Tom? - Yeah.
- Can you help me with my bag? - Oh, don't break the new thing we just bought.
Me and tom definitely need a break from each other.
I'll call you when I get there tonight.
[Dog barks.]
Shut up! We've been getting into, like, some serious fights lately.
I have been really excited to go to Jersey.
Love you.
Away from my long island problems.
Like, long island problems being tom.
- On to the next one.
Pauly, adorable.
You're gonna love him.
You'll probably have sex with him.
- [Laughs.]
- Just saying.
And then, Mike is, like, a sweet guy.
[Laughs.]
Vinny, sweetheart.
You're gonna love him.
- Oh, I can't wait.
- [Laughs.]
- Whew! Smells like the situation.
This is the family shore house, round two.
This is Jersey back again, so I'm pretty excited to be, you know, back where everything had started.
Voila.
We've got this going down.
- You're gonna love this.
I bought a little shower caddy so no one can [Bleep.]
With my shampoo and soaps and stuff.
- Um, who am I missing? Oh, Ron and Sam.
Pbbt! - [Laughs.]
- That's all I have to say.
Pbbt! I don't know Ronnie anymore.
I used to love him, and in Miami, everything just got [Bleep.]
Ed up because of Sam, and if I could take it back, what I did with Sam, trying to be a good friend to her, I would.
- I'm headed out right now.
I'm gonna go pick up Sam.
We've been together for a year.
We're gonna celebrate when we get down there.
Me and Sammi are pretty good right now.
We took a gigantic step from Miami.
[Bleep.]
Roller coaster ride that was.
But, uh [Laughs.]
- Miami was hard for me to handle.
I'm still working on things, take it day by day and see what happens.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, are you ready? - Yeah.
- I just hope that he will never do that to me ever again, 'cause that was a little bit traumatizing.
- Bye, guys.
Miss you.
Ronnie, take care of my daughter.
- Bye.
Off to the Jersey shore.
- Wow, they seem like a good frickin' time.
- Hell yeah.
We're gonna hit up karma, we're gonna hit up bamboo.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Headliners.
- Headliners.
- Has tight pool parties.
- Yes.
Can't wait to go guy shopping.
- Hell yeah.
- Oh, I love faux hawks.
It's my best thing.
- Faux hawks? Ron has a faux hawk.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- Uh-oh.
[Both laugh.]
- That would be [Bleep.]
Ing hilarious because when Ron gets drunk, he's single.
- You never know what happens when you put a little cherry vodka in deena and Nicole's blood, so It definitely is intimidating coming into this as the new girl.
No one knows me yet, so it's just like, hopefully these people like me.
[Laughs.]
Oh, deena, this is going to be interesting.
- I'm going to the Jersey shore.
It's like my second home.
The Jersey shore is in my blood.
My father went to the Jersey shore.
My uncles went to the Jersey shore.
I have to go where I belong.
Like a monkey has to go to the [Bleep.]
Ing jungle, I belong at the Jersey shore.
- Last summer was crazy on the Jersey shore.
I actually miss it.
I miss the boardwalk.
I miss the beach.
I miss the clubs.
But we are absolutely gonna top last summer.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Miss you too.
Love you.
- All right.
Hold it down over here for me.
- You look like you're all set.
Gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
I'll call you.
Bye.
Love you.
Love you.
- It's so sad.
[Riders screaming.]
- This time hell is gonna hear us live life - What the [Bleep.]
'S up in this bitch? No one.
Yeah, [Bleep.]
.
We're the first one to arrive in the house.
- Oh, the duck phone.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm back.
Seriously.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah, we're sleeping up here.
Bring your stuff up here.
- You know, I arrived first, so nobody else was there, so I was able to choose from any room I wanted, and I kind of figured, old room upstairs is much nicer than downstairs.
There's three beds in there.
As long as I'm with Ron, anybody else can come stay with us.
Like, it's not gonna be awkward.
Who do you think's coming next? - Probably Mike.
- I have a feeling the whore bag's gonna be next.
[Car door shuts.]
- Oh, somebody's here.
- You you hear? You hear people? - [Laughs.]
- Who is it? - Go upstairs.
- Who is it? - You were right.
- Whore bag? - Yeah.
I'm helping her with nothing.
- Just whore? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I hope she [Bleep.]
S herself when she sees me.
- [Groans.]
- [Laughs.]
- Party's here, times two! - Hi, I'm deena.
Nice to meet you.
- Everyone was so nice, but Sam, she was like, "uhh! Hi.
" She's laughing at me.
- I definitely am.
- I didn't have any problems with you ever, and now I do.
[Rock music.]
- Me and Ron and Sam have not spoken since Miami.
Um, I have no intention of patching [Bleep.]
Up.
It's too late.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop! - [Bleep.]
! - Hey, stop! - Go upstairs.
- I'm pretty sure jwoww's gonna come running up here, knowing that this is, like, the best room in the house, and Ron goes into the bathroom and leaves me out in the, like, hallway with the luggages.
You know what I mean? - Uhh! - [Laughs.]
Hello, I'm here in the room you wanted, and, um, I think she almost [Bleep.]
Herself, - Ron and Sam took the upstairs room, which basically [Bleep.]
Ed it up for everybody in the house.
I hope they get at [Bleep.]
Ing incurable disease living up there.
- Yeah, it's vin.
- Now everyone's a martian, alien - Thank God.
Vinny! - Wow, it's like a time warp.
- Okay, so Ron and Sam are upstairs.
- Upstairs where? - In that room.
The three bedroom.
- The three bedroom? The nice bathroom with the upgraded bedroom.
So where the [Bleep.]
Should I sleep? - You could take that bed if you want.
There's nobody there's nobody on that side.
- I don't want to sleep in here.
[Bleep.]
! - We're not gonna do anything.
- I'm not sleeping in here.
- [Laughs.]
- I think it's weird that Ronnie and Sammi took the bedroom upstairs with three beds in it.
I'm just gonna pick this room over here.
Even if I'm best friends in the world with them, I want a room where I can bring girls back to and [Bleep.]
.
You know? And that's I can't do it in front of Sammi.
- hey yeah - Who is it? Pauly? Your boyfriend? - Of course.
See how excited he is? He's like a little kid.
Look, he's so excited.
Look.
- Ma? Ma? [Laughter.]
- Yo, what up, pimp? We got our duck phone back.
- What's going on? Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- How are you doing? - Hi.
- Good.
What's going on? - What's up? - Yo, where am I sleeping? [Laughter.]
- I got a bed for you, dog.
- This one's mine.
- All right, straight.
Yeah, definitely.
The room situation's all screwed up.
Like, Ronnie and Sam are upstairs, and there's an extra bed with them, kind of awkward.
It's like, I don't want to get that room, the boring room.
But there's a bed right next to vinny's, which is I'm cool with that.
I'll just I'll just bunk with vinny.
- What is that, vin? - Oh, it's my sh It's my shower caddy.
- Oh.
- You never heard of a shower caddy, dog? - Yo, vinny's mad funny.
Like, it's a cool idea.
A shower caddy's great.
But you're a dude.
So I gotta let everybody know vinny has a shower caddy.
Yo, when we meet you on the boardwalk, I'm gonna be like, "yo.
" - It's his shower caddy.
- He got a shower caddy.
- Oh, lookit.
A loofa.
- Yo, can I use it, dog? [Laughter.]
- I'm in seaside, bitch.
- Remember the bottle that I told you I was gonna pop open when I get there? - You opened it already.
- I did.
- You're such a whore.
- Before I left my house, I definitely opened the bottle and took, like, three shots.
- So would I, if I wasn't driving.
- [Laughs.]
I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I just can't wait to, like, blow the [Bleep.]
Ing speakers off this house.
But don't tell anybody I'm drunk I'm just gonna walk in like I'm a good time.
- [Bleep.]
.
- [Laughs.]
- If you think you got it come on now - Let's go, bitch.
- All right.
- I'm just really, really excited to, like, be back in seaside.
This is like gorilla juicehead guido heaven.
- Snooki did come with someone.
- Oh, my God.
This brings back memories! Are you ready? Boo-boo! Oh, my God, I missed you! I've got a girl.
Deena.
- Hi, new roommate.
- New roommate, bitches.
- New roommate.
- Party's here, times two! - Party of two's here.
- Snooki! What up? - Hello! - I'm your new roommate.
- Snooki walks through the door with this gremlin lookalike, and she says she's the new roommate.
- Hi, I'm deena.
Nice to meet you.
- What's her name? Diana? Deena? She looks exactly like snooki.
Like, four feet tall.
Short, little, like, meatball.
Exactly like snooki.
- She looks like she's ready to party, I'm just saying.
- She is.
Double trouble.
- Double trouble right here.
Where's our room? - Whoops, sorry.
I brought deena inside the house, everyone was so nice.
But Sam, she was like, "uhh! Hi.
" Like her little valley girl self.
- Deena? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Deena.
You can call me Dee.
Deena Nicole, whatever you want.
- I wanted us three to room.
- We are, right here.
- How fun.
- Yay.
You're gonna be my new best friend.
- It'll be fun.
- This is it? - They [Bleep.]
Ed it up.
Yeah, they [Bleep.]
Ed it up.
So now it's pauly and vinny and us three.
- Well, good.
So the good people are downstairs.
- Yeah.
- And the [Bleep.]
Ers are upstairs.
I'm a little pissed off because Ron and Sam got that room.
But jenni is a doll, and she picked the room with three beds.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Thank God, because if I didn't live with one of those two, I'd probably kill myself.
What's up, bitches? - Whoo! - Snooki and deena taking over this town! - What do you think of her? - She looks like a gremlin.
- I thought she was gonna be hot.
And I'm a little I'm a little taken aback, right? I'm in this house with now three girls, and apparently deena knows snooki from home, so they're bff.
And now it's three against one.
Snooki's [Bleep.]
Ing jenni's bitch.
The girl's probably gonna be snooki's bitch.
It's me against this whole house.
Do you get that? - What are the situations with the rooms right now? - You're upstairs.
- Wow.
- Just looking at Mike, you see "miserable" tattooed on his forehead.
That's a bad situation.
He [Bleep.]
Ed my best friend right in front of me.
- What do you mean? - I saw your [Bleep.]
Ing ass, jerkoff! [Rock music.]
- You masterbatin'? - Yo, I have a vibrator if you need it.
I'm on a two-month dry spell.
I haven't had sex in two months.
There's not a chance.
There's not a chance it's happening.
So hopefully I'll find somebody.
- Do you want to see mine? I'll show you mine.
- Show me it.
Do you have the rabbit? - I call my vibrator the elmo, because "tickle me, elmo ," you know what I mean? - Yes.
- She's green.
- That's it? - Listen, honey, this [Bleep.]
Does wonders.
- [Laughs.]
- But, you know, I have vinny in the house now, so maybe I don't need the vibrator.
We'll see.
I love this room.
- I feel like this is, like, yesterday.
Damn, I don't see it.
I'm feeling really good.
I'm excited.
I'm back in my home area, and I'm just looking forward to seeing everybody right now.
- Mike! - Oh! - Oh, my God.
What up? Man, how is this place? What's the deal, man? What's what is everybody doing? - How are you doing, man? - Listen, I need to tell you something.
- Hi, I'm your new roomie.
- Oh, yeah? Okay.
- Angelina isn't coming back.
- Hi, how are you? - Oh, that's fantastic.
Is everybody here? Am I the last one? - Yep.
- Yeah.
- For real? - Yeah.
- What's what's the sit What are the situations with the rooms right now? Are they the same rooms or no? - You're upstairs.
- What? I'm upstairs? - Yeah.
- I'm upstairs? For real? - I actually feel bad for Mike because he really got the [Bleep.]
End of the stick.
Nobody wanted to room with Ron and Sam.
- What is it? Where is it at? - Sam's old bedroom.
- Who's in It's Sam's old bed? - Yeah.
- Unfortunately, it could have been mvp in that room.
Uh, Mikey-vinny-pauly.
Why Ron and Sam would pick a room with three beds, uh, is definitely sort of baffling.
Wow.
It sucks being the last person.
Whatever.
- Just looking at Mike, you see "miserable" tattooed on his forehead.
That's a bad situation.
- Wow.
- Burgers for the boys.
- I'm hungry.
- Chef boyar-vin.
- Supposedly it's 80% lean, 20% fat.
That's how I like my women.
- I thought it was the other way around.
[Both laugh.]
- You see snooki's hair? Doesn't she look like a fireball? - She does.
- I love it.
- She's like a firecracker.
- I am.
[Laughter.]
- Jersey.
- Where? I live in Jersey also.
Bitch, I'm here.
I know every part of Jersey.
Just tell me where the [Bleep.]
You're from.
- Like what part? - It was very disrespectful.
Sammi kind of just, like, looked at her with disgust.
That's just rude.
- I'm new, so I was like, I'm gonna come in here with an open mind, and I tried.
It's gonna be three against one.
- Okay, you guys want to eat inside? Yo, snook's friend is hot.
She can get it.
- You mean your new roommate.
- Do you have a job? - Yeah, I'm a dental assistant and I waitress.
- Who else was a dental assistant? - Angelina! - Today's the last day we're even gonna mention that girl's name.
[Laughter.]
- Um, I love to have a good time.
I'm single, ready to mingle, and I'm just like a walking holiday.
- Oh, nice.
- A walking holiday? Like, what does that mean? Are you gonna give out candy? Like, I don't get it.
- You seem like a fun time.
You really do.
- I'm a blast in a glass.
This is a blast in a glass.
- If deena was a holiday, she'd definitely be Thanksgiving, 'cause she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing.
- [Laughs.]
- Here's to a good summer and a blast! - Yes, yes, yes.
Cheers, cheers.
Cheers.
[Bleep.]
.
- Yeah, no.
I'm not gonna cheer to deena.
No.
- All right.
- Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the family.
- Nice to meet you.
- We are like a family.
- I'm glad that you guys are welcoming and not like this bitch.
"Get out of here.
" - No, with all seriousness, I think the way you treat people in this house is the way you're gonna get it back.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I'm a very respectful person, but if, like, someone should step on my toes, like, I probably will be the same way.
- Well, we're all the same.
- It's like, if you can't take the heat, get the [Bleep.]
Out of the kitchen.
You know? - All right.
- Whoa! - I swear to God, if vinny hooks up with this girl, done ties with vinny.
- Sammi's like, "[Bleep.]
.
" - I hope she rots in hell.
- You come into this [Bleep.]
Ing house! This is my [Bleep.]
Ing house! - I think we're gonna play flip cup before we go.
- Oh, flip the cup? I love flip the cup! Flip the cup! Flip the cup! - We decided to play flip cup 'cause we want to stay in, and of course, Ron and Sam are nowhere to be seen.
It just goes to show that they're not willing to participate in the household.
Like, they're dead.
- Flip the cup, flip the cup.
- Me, me, who's next? - Win, win! - When I see everybody drinking with me, it's like hallelujah, hallelujah - Default.
The wind.
- What wind? You gotta deal with the elements.
You gotta deal with the elements.
- Go.
- [Bleep.]
Ing wind.
- What are they doing? - They're on the porch or something.
- I can't deal with [Bleep.]
Ing meatballs.
- Let's get wasted - Okay, drink it.
Just drink it.
- Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! [Cheering.]
- First shot! [Laughter.]
- The drunks are your friends we'll just sit here wasting our time - Hold on.
Let's take a winner pose.
- And then you woke up and [Bleep.]
.
- Did we ever lose at anything? - No.
Good point.
- There's nobody listenin' - What would you do if you were me right now? You don't know what I'm going through right now.
- I do.
Don't tell me I don't.
'Cause you know I do.
And I want you to know I like you.
I'm madly in love with you.
I want to be there for you.
- Why? - Because you're my girlfriend.
- Hot tub.
- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, yes, jacuzzi! Cheers, to you inviting me.
Whoa! - I like the middle.
- We're in the hot tub and there's an issue.
As of right now, I'm a little upset with vinny.
Maybe he wants to be with deena.
I don't know.
- This drink you made was awesome.
- Thank you.
- Whatever you did.
- Here.
I made a blast in your glass.
- I swear to God, if vinny hooks up with this girl, done ties with vinny.
Done ties.
- What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? - What are you talking about? - Hello.
- All I know is, I'm having a blast.
- I love it how [Bleep.]
Ing funny it is that you [Bleep.]
Have sex with my best friend.
- Who? - Ryder.
Like, two weeks ago, vinny hooked up with my best friend ryder.
Like, legit, had sex to where I walked in and saw them.
That's not okay.
Ew! - Oh, yeah, for sure, right.
- I hooked up with snooki's friend ryder.
Like, I didn't know it was a problem.
It was just like, we were all out one night.
I don't feel I was wrong by doing it.
- He [Bleep.]
Ed my best friend right in front of me.
- I don't know what you want me to do.
Like, you like guys.
You have boyfriends, like - But I didn't have sex with them like that.
- What? Like like what? - I saw your [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
, jerkoff! - Oh, my God.
- He [Bleep.]
Ed ryder.
- Dun dun dun - [Laughs.]
- So, what's it like, being a dental assistant? - Oh, my God.
- This is not a good time.
Like, this is like the most horrible time ever.
- You're such a jerkoff.
- Fine.
Be like that.
- You don't realize how much I care about you and how much I like you.
- I care about you the same exact way.
- Ah, you don't.
When I told you that I had feelings for you and then you [Bleep.]
Ing go and, like, smush my best friend, that's not okay.
- I'm sorry if I hurt you, but, you know, that's not what I intended.
I give up.
- No, nothing.
You're gonna hook up with grenades, but you can't [Bleep.]
Ing make out with me? Are you serious? I don't understand how you could have sex with Angelina and then I try and hook up with you Don't ever even look at me the same way.
Or don't even ever try to hook up with me like that.
- 'Cause I don't want to hurt you, and I won't.
'Cause I don't want to hurt you.
- It's over.
- Oh! - whoo I gotta let you know you really broke my heart - I'm I'm sorry I have a [Bleep.]
Ing penis.
- Stick it in one of the jet holes.
I'm going to bed.
- Oh - Mike, come on.
- You're not gonna believe the new chick.
She's totally getting butt naked.
- [Bleep.]
! - You laughed at me for no reason! - I still laughing at you.
- [Bleep.]
You! [Rock music.]
- [Laughs.]
We're just trying to have a good time this summer.
That's it.
- You are a blast and a holiday.
- Wait, where's my [Bleep.]
Ing blast in a glass hat? - I don't know.
- You have a you have a blast in a glass hat? - Yes.
Where is my hat? - You're looking for your lucky hat? - Yeah.
- I can go find your lucky hat.
- Do you want to come with? - Yeah, um, let's go find it.
- Cowboy hat is probably another term for deena's kooka.
- All right.
- Well, let's survey the area from here.
- Okay, with the words.
Let's just [Bleep.]
Ing find my hat.
[Laughs.]
Where's my hat? - We'll find it.
- You help me.
Mike, come on.
Help me find my hat.
Should I get this or my cowboy hat? - Yes, your lucky hat.
- Wah.
- Let's find your cowboy hat.
Deena is awkwardly cute and, uh, we got a situation.
- Here's my cowboy hat.
- I can see it now.
I-I can see it.
You look you look good.
So you, like, wave it in the air and stuff? - And I have to [Indistinct.]
In my bikini, like this.
- Uh-huh.
- And just have a good time.
- Oh, wow.
Really? - It looks like a good time.
Everything looks situated.
[Laughs.]
This woman starts to, you know, pull their dress on.
As she's doing that, she's totally getting butt naked.
[Laughs.]
- Subtlety is underrated - No, you can't do it.
No, you can't do it now.
- Do I really want to do this right now? Does the situation want to get situated right now? You hit like a in the house home run just now.
- No, I don't even want to talk about it, because that was really bad.
- In the house home run.
And, um, the answer is, day one, I had to pull the eject button.
Pssh! You look great.
Listen, you look You look awesome.
- When Mike saw my nahnah, I was just like, oh, my God.
Like, a day? Really? It took a day for somebody to see my goods.
I can't.
- You are in great shape right now.
This is only between me and you.
I'm downstairs, right? - Are you talking [Beep.]
Already? - Not yet.
- This is not bad! - You tried bending over the bed.
- Let's get this situation straight.
- What? - This needs to be gracefully explained.
She goes, "get my cowboy hat.
" So I'm like, "yo, you got cowboy boots?" She's like, "no ," she's like, "but I look good with just the hat on.
" So, you know, she goes, "and my bikini.
" So she closed her eyes, and as she was doing it, she took everything off, like like, every And I guess she didn't know that it was off.
- [Laughs.]
- She's like like, still with her eyes closed.
She's butt naked.
She's butt naked.
- Deena accidentally showed her kooka to Mike.
Man, every first day in Jersey, just something crazy goes down.
- Hey, you.
- If I see your [Bleep.]
Ing penis rise, I'm going to bed.
That's all I'm saying.
- He saw my nahnah.
- Why don't you put some pajamas on? You know, that's a good situation.
- Should I put on sexy pajamas? Where are you going? - I think I'm just gonna hide in my room.
You have no idea what just happened.
- What? - She's really drunk, I guess.
I don't even know if she's drunk or if she's just - Stupid? - Whatever, yeah.
- I'm gonna go with stupid.
- [Laughs.]
- Where is everybody? - They're sleeping.
- We're gonna wake them up.
- Uh, I'm not going upstairs.
- Who is sleeping? - Oh, my God.
She's on crack if she goes upstairs.
- Nobody has ever, ever gotten butt, butt, butt naked.
She did.
- [Laughs.]
- Mike, you have [Bleep.]
, all right? Wake the [Bleep.]
Up.
- What do you mean, wake up? - Wake up.
- For what? - We're trying to have a good time.
- You're annoying.
- [Laughs.]
- She's laughing at me.
- No, she's not.
- I definitely am.
[Laughs.]
- You're the biggest bitch.
- I'm here and I'm staying.
- You are a [Bleep.]
Ing slutty-assed bitch! - I'll [Bleep.]
Ing pound you! - Step out of it! Put your hands on me.
Hit me! - Where is everybody? We're gonna wake them up.
- Uh, I'm not going upstairs.
She's on crack if she goes upstairs.
- She's really drunk, I guess.
I don't even know if she's drunk or if she's just - Stupid? - Whatever, yeah.
- I'm gonna go with stupid.
- [Laughs.]
- Nobody has ever, ever gotten butt, butt, butt naked.
She did.
- [Laughs.]
- Mike, you have [Bleep.]
, all right? Wake the [Bleep.]
Up.
- What do you mean, wake up? - Wake up.
- For what? - You could tell.
She's like, "Mike," like, all on his bed.
Like like a snooki.
Like, it reminded me of like how snooki would be, going into, like, the guy's room.
- Uhh! You're annoying.
- Yeah.
You're annoying.
- [Laughs.]
- I was drunk.
I wanted to snuggle.
Nothing, like, crazy.
Like, I really just wanted to snuggle, and this bitch laughs.
- No, you don't have to leave if you don't want to.
- No, I'm fine.
- Good night.
- Come cuddle with me.
- [Laughs.]
- Bitch, I will smack that [Bleep.]
Ing grin right off your face.
Seriously.
She's laughing at me.
- She's not laughing at you.
- She is.
- No, she's not.
- I definitely am.
- I didn't do anything to you.
- Okay.
- I didn't have any problems with you ever.
- Okay.
- And now I do.
- Hello! - And so does everybody else in the house.
- Cool.
- That's cool.
- [Laughs.]
- They're embarrassing, and Sammi's a [Bleep.]
.
- Why? - And that's all.
- [Laughs.]
- You want to walk out of my room, calling me a [Bleep.]
.
Can't say it to my face.
Hell yeah.
I have a problem with you now.
- What happened? - She's like a [Bleep.]
In a bag.
I tried to be nice to this girl.
- Who? - I hope she rots in hell.
I do.
I will [Bleep.]
Ing knock her out.
- Talk all you want.
- What happened? What'd I miss? - Have I done anything wrong, being in this house? - We've been here, like, for five hours.
- I don't care.
- That was very awkward, very audacious of a rookie - What does audacious mean? - In calling a veteran - I don't really [Bleep.]
Ing care.
- I can't believe deena called Sammi the "c" word on the first night.
It's the first night.
Those are fighting words.
- You are the blast from the past.
- Don't tell me who I am.
What is it, the blast in a cup? I am putting you up for rookie of the year award.
You are going for rookie of the year award.
Not only were you butt naked on the first day - You do not talk to me.
Like, I am a good person to everybody, but if you want to laugh at me and make fun of me - Yeah.
- I will [Bleep.]
Ing make your life miserable.
- What holiday is it? Halloween? - I love how she's not saying one word to my face.
[Laughs.]
- She's just like snooki.
- I'm sitting in bed, I kind of was like brushing it off, and then I say, no.
- This bitch, this bitch.
Good, go cuddle with your [Bleep.]
Ing boyfriend.
Don't talk to me.
- Listen.
Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
- Then Ron jumps up to go downstairs, and I'm like, who does this girl think she is? - Listen, listen.
Don't no, no, no.
Don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved, all right, deena? You come into this house, this is my [Bleep.]
Ing house! Listen, bitch, you don't [Bleep.]
Ing know me.
You're in my [Bleep.]
Ing house.
You just walked through the door.
You earn respect in this [Bleep.]
Ing house.
You don't [Bleep.]
Ing just get it.
No, don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved! - I'm not! - You got a problem with my [Bleep.]
Ing girlfriend, you deal with it with her, do you understand me? I'm upstairs no, no, no.
I'm not done talking! I'm not done talking! I'm not done talking, okay? When I'm done, you can talk.
That's the way it works.
All right? - What happened? - This bitch.
Go cuddle with your [Bleep.]
Ing boyfriend.
- Listen, listen, listen.
Don't get me [Bleep.]
Ing involved, all right, deena? She just kept talking [Bleep.]
, so I got up and I gave her a piece of my mind.
I'm upstairs no, no, no.
I'm not done talking! When I'm done, you can talk.
That's the way it works.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- You got a problem with my [Bleep.]
Ing girlfriend, you deal with it with her, so shut the [Bleep.]
Up! - Okay, but she's now laughing at me.
- Because - No, no, no, no.
Get off of me! - I thought it was such a [Bleep.]
Move when Ronnie came down for Sammi.
Like, let your girlfriend do her fighting battles on her own.
Don't talk to me the way you're talking to me, first of all! And second of all - [Imitates deena's voice.]
First of all, second of all.
- I don't care who you are! - [Monotone.]
I don't care who you are.
- So go upstairs.
- I don't I don't know who you think you are.
- You don't Just go to sleep.
- Deena kind of reminded me of, like, a dirty chihuahua, just barking, and, like, you kind of just want to smack it to the side.
- I'd rather have [Bleep.]
Ing Angelina back.
- Hold on a second.
Don't walk out of my room calling me a [Bleep.]
.
- You laughed at me for no reason! Get real! - I'm still laughing at you.
- Who are you talking to? - I'm talking to you.
Diana, deena, whatever the [Bleep.]
Your name is.
- Yeah.
I didn't start with you! - You're the new girl.
Shut up, you stupid [Bleep.]
.
- Ooh, here it comes.
- You fucking [Bleep.]
! - [Bleep.]
You! [Bleep.]
You! [Bleep.]
You! - You don't want to piss off deena like that, because even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a [Bleep.]
.
I will [Bleep.]
Ing attack you like a squirrel monkey.
Sam, you were such a bitch.
You're a [Bleep.]
, the biggest bitch I've ever met in my entire life.
You are the biggest [Bleep.]
Ing bitch.
I don't understand how you even have friends.
You are the biggest bitch.
- I'm here and I'm staying, whether you like it or not.
- You are a [Bleep.]
Ing slutty-assed bitch! - Thank you.
- You don't give a [Bleep.]
About anybody else but yourself.
- I knew, coming into this house, that there was unfinished drama between Sammi and the girls.
I just didn't think it was gonna come out like this, and I didn't think it was gonna happen on the first day.
- You're not a true friend.
You're a backstabbing bitch.
You showed it to me in [Bleep.]
Ing Miami, you [Bleep.]
Ing bitch! You were fake as [Bleep.]
! You pretended to be my [Bleep.]
Ing friend, and you [Bleep.]
Ing weren't even telling me yourself.
- Are you serious? - I am dead serious, you [Bleep.]
Fake bitch! Ron, is she fake? Do you think she's fake? I'm asking you.
- Yeah, she's fake.
- Okay, Ronnie, your mom called me every single [Bleep.]
Ing week! "Why the [Bleep.]
Is my son with this bony-assed bitch?" I might have fabricated a little bit, saying that Ronnie's mom said that Sam is a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word.
- Like, honestly, I don't know who you think you are, snooki, but I don't know why you would even say things like that.
- Even though I don't like you, well, I will always love Ronnie.
- He doesn't even [Bleep.]
Ing like you.
- All right, snook, you need to relax, 'cause you're a [Bleep.]
Ing loser from poughkeepsie, and you know it.
And you know it! - [Bleep.]
! - First of all, come here and I'll [Bleep.]
Ing pound you, bitch! - You bitch! Step out of it! - Put your hands on me, then.
- Yo, babe.
No, stop! - Some people right here.
- Jersey shore! Jersey shore! Jersey shore! - Hold up, get a drink in your cup - Last summer was crazy on the Jersey shore, but we know each other now.
We're gonna hit Jersey hard.
- That was so much fun! - We've got a new roommate, and we all welcomed deena in with open arms.
- Mvpd.
- Mvpd.
- Are we good? - Yeah.
- Aah! [Horn blows.]
- This is gonna feel a little uncomfortable.
[High-pitched squeak.]
- [Laughs.]
- [Groans.]
- Where's the beach? Where the [Bleep.]
'S the beach? Where? - Nicole! - I did nothing [Bleep.]
Ing wrong! - Tom totally broke up with jenni.
- [Crying.]
I don't deserve this.
- [Bleep.]
, do whatever the [Bleep.]
You want.
I'm done with this [Bleep.]
.
- [Crying.]
- Oh! - Oh! - [Bleep.]
Stabbed me in the [Bleep.]
Back! I've never stabbed you in the back! - And now I [Bleep.]
Ing see it.
- The dynamic definitely has changed.
You know, it's not one big happy family anymore.
- Are you friends with her? I'm sorry for the next bitch you [Bleep.]
Ing take over.
I hate you! INeed to go.
- Aah! - Ew, get the [Bleep.]
Off my arm.
- You're talking to a police officer like that.
- I don't care.
I'm a [Bleep.]
Ing good person.
- Is she gonna be all right, though? - Aw, [Bleep.]
.
[Siren.]
It wasn't all fun.