Key and Peele (2012) s03e01 Episode Script

Go, kids.
Whoa! Thank you.
Good to see ya.
Good to see ya.
Thank you.
Wow.
Oh, my goodness.
Okay, thank you so much.
Oh! Whoa! Wow.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
I am Jordan Peele.
And we are Key and Peele.
Thanks for coming out.
- Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yeah, glad to be back.
It's the beginning of the third season.
And we're happy to be back.
Thank you very much.
- A lot has happened - Yes.
over the year that we've been gone.
We had to respond to some of the things that are happening out there.
I think you know, race is really polarizing - Yes, it mm-hmm.
- in this country.
we and we, you know we visit race ourselves a couple of times, you know, here and there.
And sometimes what we'll do is we find ourselves encountering older African American fans.
And what's funny is the spectrum of fandom is easy.
if you're a 12-year-old and you're a fan of Key and Peele this is what usually happens: You just love it.
But if you are if you're 62 years old and you're a fan of Key and Peele, it's like, "All right.
" Hey.
Hey.
- This gentleman - It's him right there.
"Hey, man.
"I'm enjoying the program, young man.
"Tread lightly.
" "Tread lightly.
" The older you are, the more you have to say to us.
It's like the conversation just doesn't end.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
Good to see you, man.
all right.
I'm surprised you watch.
Hey, keep doing what you're doing though.
Will do.
all right, man.
Okay, young buck, keep doing what you're doing.
- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
- Keep your thang up.
okay? - You got it.
But just remember, you ain't on thin ice, brother, but you're on ice.
- All right.
- Okay.
Just make sure you keep it going.
- I got you.
- All right.
But you know, we got an an opportunity.
- All right.
- Lots of people.
You're still talking to me? You're standing on the shoulders of a lot of people.
- We're still talking? - Stay responsible.
- All right.
- Whatever you do, man.
Make sure you're staying responsible.
It's not I ain't trying to shut you down.
- It's not even - I want you to have - your creative freedom.
- Oh! That's good.
We, um we wanted to take this opportunity to apologize, just to everybody named "Aaron.
" Although, you know, if you're a white dude named Aaron, and you went to school, and they started calling you "A.
A.
Ron" kind of the coolest thing that's ever happened to you.
All right, we're gonna take a little roll here.
- Jay Quellin.
- Here.
- You are present? Balakay.
- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
- Dee-Nice.
- Here.
Good.
Jay-Seeka.
Thank you.
Mr.
Garvey? What is it, A.
A.
Ron? Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today.
Oh.
- Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm.
And what pray tell is the reason for this premature exodus? Yearbook photos.
Um, we have to leave to meet up with our clubs.
Okay.
All right, you know what? That might work with other substitute teachers, but I taught in the inner city for over 20 years.
Now, y'all wanna leave my class early so y'all can go meet up at "the club.
" Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club! Ridiculous.
- Mr.
Garvey? - Dumb son of a bitch! Did I st-st-st-st-st-stutter? Just then, yes.
I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window! What, Jay Quellin? Mr.
Garvey, we're we're telling the truth.
We we have clubs at the school.
We have clubs for special interests.
Okay, I see.
so y'all wanna play.
Y'all wanna play.
Yeah, okay, we gonna play little games.
Fine.
I'll play.
I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all.
Anyone who's in a club stand your ass up.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, there it is, there it is.
The usual suspects.
What the hell club are you in, Jay Quellin? Future leaders of America.
Okay, okay.
How would you know if you're gonna be a leader in the future? Is there a Stargate in your bedroom? Can you travel through time, Jay Quellin? - No.
- Then sit the flip down! Balakay, I Here's the thing.
I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this.
Balakay, what club are you in? Um, part of the Spanish club.
Span the Sp you about as Spanish as Reeon Seacrest, with your big-ass Fraggle Rock hair! How 'bout you, Dee-Nice? I'm in the Chess club.
Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, you are not in the Chest club.
The "Mosquito Bite club," maybe.
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
There he is.
- A.
A.
Ron - Hey.
What club are you in? I'm the president of the Glee club.
Why did I talk? The Glee club? Aah! Like they gonna have a club dedicated to a TV show! Take your ass to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office right now, before I bust a club - up in your butt! - Okay.
- Go! - Okay, I'm gonna go.
Mischievous and deceitful! Chicanerous and deplorable.
This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.
Students, please report to the gymnasium - for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
Now, does anybody in here have a valid reason for leaving this classroom? Tym-Oh-Thee.
- I gotta pick up my daughter.
- You're excused.
Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up? Welcome to Battle Rap, where we're gonna battle rap every day in the month of February, y'all.
Yo, I'm your host, Big Peep-Paroo! - R-r-r-roo! - That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
Yo, introduce, son! - Yeah, what's happenin'? This your boy, Rhino D, and I'm about to fronthand backhand his ass off the mic! That's right, that's right, that's right.
And on my right, we got the challenger.
- Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man? I'm Diller Killer, in the house.
no filler right here, dawg.
- Hoo! Hoo! - Okay, okay.
Yo, Diller lost the toss, so you go first.
Okay, gentlemen, battle rap! All right, yeah, man.
Now, here we go.
You're shook, son.
I'm gonna eat you for breakfast.
- 'cause I'm a cook, son.
- Ha ha! I stole a cop-a-feel from your girl's breasteses! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Get back.
He don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
You can't even win this 100-yard dash, but let me ask you a question.
What do they call that, a moustache? Ohh Aaaah! - Aah! - No, man, see Relax, man.
Hey, I need you to relax a little bit.
Take it down a little bit.
- Ahhhhhh - What the [bleep.]
you doin'? I'm telling you, take can you take it down a little bit, man? Come on, what are you, a horse? - Aaaah! - That's the last one.
Yo, what's up, dawg? You know, my [bleep.]
is rich.
I'm swimmin' in simoleons.
What am I supposed to do with this miniature black Napoleon? Yeah, all right.
Yo! Hey, man.
Hey, dawg, get your hey, hey! Now come on, now.
don't get my eyes wet.
Hey, hey, get your boy - Waaaaaah! - Yo, I'm sorry.
Look at that.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Look at it.
Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Go get it, now.
that's a boy.
Oh.
Yeah, man! Here we go! Yeah, man, look at that chain and these fake-ass Timberlands.
- Aaaaaahhh - Oh, man! I'm sorry.
No, you're okay, man.
I'm sorry.
I really apologize.
Yo, man.
What's wrong with him, man? Hey, hey! Remember no, no, hey! Aaaaaahhh - Ahh ahh! - Why are you doing me? - Aaaaahh! - Why would you listen.
- Aaaah! - No.
No, no, no.
Come on.
- Aaaahh! - Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
All right, you guys gotta go, man.
- No, come on, man.
- No, man.
No, you're all done, man.
You got to go.
That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
We got a champion still right here.
Hey, what's happenin'? Yeah! That's what's up.
That's your boy - Aaaaaahh - Justgive me the hat! - Hey, man - Give it up! Gimme that [bleep.]
hat! Listen.
Listen listen, man.
I want you to look out on the lake, man.
I just want you to look out and imagine a place, man, where you can do your thing, man.
Hooooo Where you and I could go and do our thing, - but never have to forfeit, yeah! - Yahh.
You could scream and shout and shove people back and forth, but we don't never have to quit.
- Aaaah! - But look out on the lake, man.
Look out on the lake.
No matter what happens, man, I start rappin'.
Hwah! And my rhymes, they start to flow.
And I'm turnin' the tide.
And no matter what you do, you can push and shove and scream, but we'll never get disqualified.
Laa laa laa! Ah ha ha ha! Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha-ha! Man, for good measure, while you're looking at the lake, just give me one more good "Aaaahh.
" Aaaah You know what'd be great, is if there were other occupations that had hype men in them.
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean? Like if a lawyer had a hype man.
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would That would really spice up the proceedings in the courtroom.
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho! Oh, he objects! He objects! Not only is the prosecution being argumentative Oh ho ho! This [bleep.]
is argumentative! This next sketch is definitely going to get If you are a guy, it's going to get you in trouble right now there's only one way to say it.
So we recommend that you either leave the room, turn off the TV - Or play it coo play it cool.
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
No, you're gonna want to watch it and maybe maybe get somehow get your lady out of the room.
No, gentlemen, I would suggest you take a diamond ring - If you have one laying around.
- of a significant - of a significant carat.
- Oh, yes.
And just chuck it out a window.
Just throw it.
As far as you think you need to.
And she'll go, "What the what you doin'?" Hey, girl, I'm home.
Hey, boo.
how you doing? - Good.
- How was work? Sucked.
Aww.
Can I ask you a quick question? Yeah, sure.
What up? I've just been noticing that every time I leave to go out, the next time I open the computer, the browser history's been cleared.
Hmm.
That's weird.
Yesterday, i went food shopping for, like, 15 minutes.
I used the computer before I went to the store, and when I came back, my history was gone, the cache was cleared, and the cookies had been reset.
Hmm.
Well, I think sometimes the computer runs an automatic software update, so maybe that just kind of clears the history.
Yeah, except when you update the software, a little window pops up, and you click "OK," and then it gets installed, so - Mm-mm.
- Hmm.
I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with the computer, you know? And it's just one of those things, whenever it gets interrupted from the power source, it has to reboot, and it just totally wipes out the history.
Be honest, babe.
it's porn, right? Porn? What's oh, pornography? No.
It's okay if you look at porn.
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
I'm perfectly okay with that, and long as it's not that weird stuff.
Oh All right.
Well, I mean, kinky's okay.
I like kinky.
As long as it's not that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
Wow.
Um Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey.
It is your fantasy.
Just as long as you aren't looking at women who Not women? Wow! Okay.
Men? Chicks with dicks? Horses? Worse than horses? Wow.
Baby, gimme a little credit.
None of that matters.
The only thing that matters that when we're doing it, I'm thinking about you And you're thinking about me.
Right? Right, baby? You guys, uh, you guys know the film the film musical Les Mis, right? - People have seen that? - It came out quite recently.
We just know that so many girlfriends got their guy to see it by just being, like, Hey, your boy Wolverine is in there.
Wha no.
No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mis.
Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching.
Ta-ching.
That's your boy.
He in there.
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there.
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
- Who else in it? - Gladiator.
- Hell no.
- Yes.
That's your boy.
Maximus is in the movie.
You ain't tryin' to trick me? I ain't tryin' to trick you.
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
Ah, man, she's just he's like, "Oh, man, come on.
What? - That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
That's your man.
That's your dawg.
And, look, there Catwoman up on this bitch.
- Catwoman? - That's for you.
I did this for you.
I come to the movies for you.
One at a time I put men like you Behind bars every day One at a time Legateaux, you may take my years But cannot lock my soul away All the years I had to run I chased you through the years So long ago it all begun Now your journey's at an end In the shadows on my shame You will pay for what you've done But was I ever to blame? Death will be your only friend Do I let this fight end now? Do not interrupt me Just to end this life of pain Let me finish what I need to say Will the end be welcome now? Fine, I'll let you finish first Will my journey be in vain? Don't let me get in your way I only stole a loaf of bread - Are you finished now? - All I needed - to survive - Okay, now it's my turn If I end up in your cell Can we have some give and take? Why should I have stayed alive? Let me get a word, at least Do I tell him that I love him? Do I tell him of his child? Now, where did this bitch come from? - I have no idea - one at a time Will he ever know his daughter? Lady, seriously, please hang on Will he recognize her eyes? It's hard enough to talk to him Did you say my daughter? - Yours and mine - One at a time The trumpets call out freedom This all has to happen on the same block? Let the marching shake the ground Now this is just a joke We could solve all these issues if everyone just spoke One at a time Taking what we can, 'cause things are getting worse Taking what we can from every pocket and purse One at a time The men have come Their blood will spill One at time The years destroyed the man She knew before we parted And when love and war and blood and glory's Barracks have been climbed - We will die - I will love Years, they pass Can't we speak? One Here we go again, popping in and out Don't have much to do with what this is about A time Why are we all facing the same way? Is the city on fire? What's with all the smoke? Oh, now we're all ears.
Great.
Hello, my fellow Americans.
With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther.
Hi! Now, the first year of my second term has been a challenge.
Cluster.
[bleep.]
! Tonight, I'd like to address the concerns of the American people over what they perceive as the U.
S.
government spying on their digital and electronic activities.
Man, y'all some deluded, self-important mother[bleep.]
if you think we interested in your deviant, porn-watchin' asses! I can assure you, the American people, we are not reading every individual email.
Rather, we're searching for key words that would indicate a threat.
And don't worry, everybody, those key words are not "girl on girl," "anal", "squirting", "plopping".
- Hmm.
"Plopping"? What the [bleep.]
is "plopping," you dirty mother[bleep.]
? These key words are being used, amongst other things, to prevent terrorists from using weapons of mass destruction.
Not prevent you from watching videos of ass destruction! Now, these policies have already foiled numerous terrorist plots.
These are not the kind of plots that y'all are used to, like when a guy comes in the door with his penis in a pizza box, and a lady sucks on it.
And I assure you that the country's gotten safer since the end of the Bush era.
And I ain't talkin' about the president.
Boop.
These policies have allowed us to probe and penetrate - I know y'all been probin - until the de No, Luther Just, what I'm trying to say is that there have been numerous terrorist cells fingered - And you got fingers, you put - and that Luther.
Okay.
Luther, why are you trying to undermine the president with your juvenile sexual innuendo? The average American has nothing to fear from these policies.
Now! If we was drone-strikin' perverts, our country would look like Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome right about now.
I'm talkin' about a post-apocalyptic nightmare! Thank you, and good night.
Go to sleep, y'all.
- "Plopping"? - Oh, yes, sir.
That's when Oh! Y'all are some sick mother[bleep.]
.
Welcome to Metta World News.
Our top story: why are people always trying to steal my magic? In other news, cat litter can be used to blind people when fighting.
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
Well, that wraps up Metta World News for this Wednesday, February biscuit fountain drink.
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
Thank you.
All right.
all right.
So now, everybody, it's time to go straight to your computer and google "plopping.
" We're very sorry.
- We're sorry.
- Uh, good night.
- Thank you very much.
- Good night.
Thank you.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.