Lead Balloon (2006) s03e01 Episode Script
Gas
RICK: £11,500 for the signed Mark Knopfler guitar.
Any advance? £11,500 going to the gentleman on table 1 2.
Goinggone! Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) Yeah, well done.
Next up is a waistcoat worn by Graham Evans of the Graham Evans Band.
Anyone going to start the bidding at £700? £700 for the waistcoat? RICK: £700 No, I'll tell you what, I'll start the bidding myself.
- I'll bid £500 of my own money.
- (APPLAUSE) Cos, yeah So, come on, who'll give me £600 for the waistcoat? £600 for the waistcoat worn by Graham Evans of the Graham Evans Band? OK, £600.
I'll tell you what, let's not be silly.
£550 for the waistcoat.
Did I have a bid here, sir? Do I have a bid, was that? You moved your arm Yes, you did.
(CLEARS THROAT) Could you keep still if you're not bidding? Come on, help me out.
I'm not being paid for this! (LAUGHS) £501 ? Sir? (QUIETLY) Madam? Anybody? (CLEARS THROAT) ct I wanna get hÃgh But I really can't take the paÃn ct Graham Evans.
As in the Graham Evans Band? If I'd heard of the Graham Evans Band, I'd of heard of Graham Evans.
- (SIGHS) Oh, it doesn't matter.
- But how much did you bid for it? It doesn't matter.
The point is, guess who was in the audience? Graham Evans? Ambrose! Michael's father.
Which Michael? Michael from the café! He was there with a man! He's gay! - So? - What do you mean, so? It's Michael's father! What's he gonna think - when he finds out his dad isyou know? - Well, maybe he knows.
Oh, of course he doesn't.
You know what Michael's like.
He's not even comfortable with the idea of normal sex.
God knows Normal sex?! You are so homophobic! - Oh, no.
What's she done now? - Nothing.
- She needs somewhere to stay.
- What's wrong with her bedsit? It's not safe.
The boiler's leaking carbon monoxide.
They've had to move everyone out.
That's a bit of an overreaction, isn't it? A whilst of fumes and the whole place has to be evacuated.
I mean, she grew up next to a power station.
A bit of Calor Gas isn't gonna make any difference to her lungs.
It's carbon monoxide.
It's potentially fatal.
She could open a window.
Well, I've said she can stay here until it's fixed.
How long's that gonna be? Unless you'd rather have her sleeping in a shop doorway? No, no, wouldn't want that.
Life's hard enough for tramps as it is.
You are sweet.
It's just it wouldn't happen the other way round.
If our boiler packed up, it wouldn't be all round to Magda's.
No, because we're not at the mercy of a rogue landlord.
That's right - as soon as you're losing the argument, you go.
(DOOR SLAMS) OK, how about this? Welcome to the National Tyre Fitters' Awards.
Now it's our turn to have a blowout.
These aren't new trophies.
They're retreads, but they're cheaper and they should see you through next year's do.
Rick? (SIGHS) I mean, how do you tell someone their father's gay? Please, can we drop this? I'm just saying, how long's he been like that? I have no idea and you don't even know if he is gay.
- Of course he is.
- They might just be friends.
If you'd been there and seen what I saw and saw how he reacted when he saw me seeing them, then you wouldn't be saying what you're saying.
You'd be saying what I am saying.
So how much did you pay for the waistcoat? - Oh, that's private.
- That much, huh? They took it out of my fee, so - So does it fit? - I don't know.
- You haven't even tried it on? - I don't need to.
- Try it on.
- No! - Why not? - Because I didn't buy it to wear it.
The money goes to charity.
It's a donation.
- It's too small, isn't it? - Can we justget on with these gags? Sure.
It's funny though.
Married all those years.
Turns out he's leading a double life.
Rick, you're obsessed.
I am not obsessed! Did you know Michael's father was gay? - Yes? - You knew?! How did you know? - No, I did not know.
- Well, why did you say yes? - I did not.
- You did.
I said yes, because I'm asking yes.
I'm not Yes, all right.
Fine.
I understand.
Mel has told you I'm living here? Staying here temporarily for a day or two.
- Boiler is leaking gas.
- Fumes, yeah.
BOTH: Carbon monoxide.
Very dangerous.
Mel told me.
I know.
Yep.
- Landlord has been served with notice - I know! Mel told me the whole story.
- so I must come and stay with you.
- Anyway, in case you bump into Michael, he doesn't know.
What he does not know? That his father's gay! I mean, God knows what he'd do if he found out.
He'd be traumatised.
Perhaps he can be cured.
No, Magda! That's a bit homophobic.
There's no cure for homosexuality, it's just something you're stuck with.
Not that it's a bad thing to be stuck with.
- Do you think it's good to be like this? - Yes Well, no, not good, but not bad either, it's just Well, it's OK.
It's really It's perfectly normal, absolutely fine.
God, I hate to say it, Magda, you really do have some very backward ideas! So I trust you'll be joining us on Friday? - Friday? - An evening chez Michael.
Your chance to sample the finest cuisine in an intimate, sophisticated atmosphere.
So where's this happening? Here.
It has been on the notice board for a while.
Oh, I didn't see.
Oh, is that this Friday? Oh, that's too bad! My uncle's flying in from Chicago and I have to pick him up at the airport.
- Do you? - MICHAEL: Oh, that's a pity.
- Still, you'll be coming? - Oh, I don't know.
It's short notice.
I did mention it to Mel and she seemed rather keen.
She didn't say anything to me.
I was rather relying on you.
You're very much the guest of honour.
Well, you know, obviously I wouldn't want to let you down.
- Well, please don't.
- No, I won't.
Is this going to be a regular thing? You're gonna open in the evenings now? Oh, yes.
Yes, if it works, why not? Always been an ambition.
Now I've got the new place, why not go for it and become a full-time restaurateur? - What about your social life? - I haven't really got one, to be honest.
So, Michael, will your father be coming on Friday? Father? No, no.
Father doesn't approve of my career "in the catering trade", as he likes to call it.
And, anyway, he's away at an antiques fair with Colin.
Colin? His partner.
- Oh, right.
- OK.
Business partner! (LAUGHS) Got to be careful how you phrase that these days otherwise people might think, you know - Perish the thought! (LAUGHS) - Funnily enough, I saw your father the other night.
I was doing one of these charity auction things and, yeah, he was there with someonewho is, um you knowlike a man.
Oh, that'll be Colin.
Yes, they're great mates.
Father retired, bit of a loose end, always had a passion for film memorabilia, turns out Colin's got a shop selling that kind of thing.
Yeah, Father was looking for an opening - Enter Colin.
- Precisely.
Am putting my food on this shelf.
- So I see.
- That way it does not get mixed with your food.
I think I get the idea.
I have special sausages my mother sent from home.
- Nice.
- But, please, if you don't mind, do not take because I cannot get in this country.
I don't think anyone's gonna take those.
They're made from special meat and blood.
Mmm, really? So this is why I don't want I can pretty much guarantee no-one will touch them.
But if you like this, you can have.
- No, I'm fine.
- This is also from my country.
You can actually get that anywhere, but thanks anyway.
No, you cannot get anywhere.
Yes, I think any supermarket you can get those.
- No, you can only get - Look, let me show you.
See? Yes, here you are.
"Processed and packaged at Unit 1 2, "Trade Hill Industrial Estate, Peterborough.
" If you do not like, you do not have to have.
- All right? - All right, Rick, Magda? - Hi, Ben.
- Dad, is this your waistcoat? Yeah, it used to belong to a famous pop star actually, but, um - Cool.
- Wow! Who is it? Graham Evans As in the Graham Evans Band? - He used to be Wellanyway - Well, it's wicked.
Can I have it? Yeah! Go on.
I bought it with you in mind anyway.
Oh, cool.
Thanks, Dad.
So, Magda, have you moved in then? - Yes, boiler is leaking gas.
- Yep, they know.
- Carbon monoxide.
- Carbon monoxide.
I've told them.
- That stuff's really dangerous.
- I don't know about that.
Landlord has been served with notice.
Wow, poor you.
Poor Magda.
Poor all of us! (LAUGHS) So any luck with the job-hunting? Er, yeah.
Got an interview, but, er, it didn't really work out.
Oh, you didn't get it? No, I didn't make the interview.
You know, it was raining.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, I thought, "You know, something else will come along.
" - And has it? - No.
No.
No, but, um, it doesn't matter though, Dad, - cos the thing is, I've got a job.
- Yeah?! - That's great news! Well done! - Yeah, cheers.
Yeah, it's waitressing at Michael's café.
Oh, right.
Yeah, well, it's only this Friday.
- Would you like? - Oh, yeah! - I'll take two.
- Oh, thanks, Magda! My mother has sent from home, from my country.
SAM: Wow, cheese! Huh! Christ.
(BANGING FROM OVERHEAD) (HE SIGHS AND TUTS) - (WHISPERS) God's sake! - She's probably just - moving the bed around or something.
- Well, I've never heard anything like it.
Don't be ridiculous! You'd think she had the exorcist up there with her.
- Have you seen the fridge? - No, what's the matter with it? Nothing.
Well, nothing yet.
She's put her food in it.
Where did you expect her to put her food? In the airing cupboard? No, I'm just saying, you know, she's partitioned it.
There's a no-go zone now.
The top shelf.
It's like the Berlin Wall.
- You can't - Shut up.
OK.
Look, Magda is not just someone who cleans for us.
She's our friend.
Anyway, she's not gonna be here for long.
- Been a whole day so far.
- (WHISPERS) Oh, dear.
Did you tell Michael that we'd go to his restaurant evening on Friday? No.
- Well, he told me you did.
- I mean, he mentioned it and I said it sounded like a nice idea.
That's like a yes to him, isn't it? That's all the encouragement someone like Michael needs, unless you actually pin him to the wall and go, "Look, you nutter, "I don't want to come to your rubbish evening," he's gonna take that as a yes, isn't he? Hm? Just say we're busy.
Ah, Marty's bagged that one.
I've got a big meeting on Friday, so we won't No, we're committed now.
Anyway, I am the guest of honour, so Oh, I see! - Guestof honour.
- (Door opens) - Oh, hi, Sam.
- Hiya.
- RICK: Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, did you get my text? - Erno.
About the job-hunting? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, no luck, unfortunately.
I got your text and I was texting you back - and then someone called - You did get a job! At Michael's.
Oh, yeah, I did get a job at Michael's on Saturday.
Friday.
Yeah, on Friday.
Um, well, good for you! Congratulations.
Well, we'll have to go now, leave a nice big tip.
Well, I was going to go and fix a bite to eat, so Oh, stay away from Magda's stuff.
It's alarmed.
She'll hear it and come running.
- (RICK CHUCKLES) - OK.
Oh, and don't touch the carthorse-flavoured sausages.
(CHUCKLES) (CRASHING FROM ABOVE) Oh, God.
ct I've got nothing else to say to you ct I'm all out of reasons and rhymes ct I don't care about your problems ct Most directly you don't care about mine ct You say you're sorry No offence Ãntended ct But your contempt is plain to see ct You're so quick to play the vÃctÃm ct The only vÃctÃm here is me ct I'm so tÃred of being everybody's run-around ct - (SIGHS) - Good morning.
Hello.
Sausages again? - Yes, I like to have every morning.
- Mm, I noticed.
- Any news about the boiler? - No.
What's the problem? Can't they get someone to? - Boiler is leaking gas - carbon monoxide.
- I know all that.
- Why can't they get anyone to fix it? - Landlord's brother has come to fix, but he does not know this boiler so he must ask people who make - Just pay someone.
- Is very old - Why can't they buy a new one? - I have said this, but it's very expensive, so landlord says I must wait to be fixed.
And in the meantime just live here.
Yes.
But at least I'm not paying rent.
- That's nice for you.
- Thank you.
I'm very happy here.
Glad to hear it.
But, ooh, trains are noisy at night.
Sorry? - Trains, very noisy at night.
- There aren't any trains here.
Yes, I cannot sleep for sound of train.
- No, there aren't any trains here! - This does not wake you? No, because there aren't any I can honestly say I have never heard a single train in this house, day or night! - Very noisy, I think.
- Yeah, but, there aren't any (GROANS) At least you weren't gassed in your sleep.
Right, that's me oct.
Don't forget Michael's thing tonight.
No.
What time will you be home? I told you, I'll see you there.
I've got the Fergus Donnelly meeting this afternoon.
Oh, that! You're still trying to - flog his show to the States.
- Yes.
Well, the Americans should love him - he's fat enough.
I'll give him your regards.
And behave yourself at Michael's.
It's his big night.
I don't want you ruining it.
What makes you think I'll ruin it? I'm the guest of honour.
(MEL LAUGHS) RICK: How about this? Welcome to the National Tyre Fitters' Awards.
You must be under a lot of pressure, ct2psi to be precise.
Well, what do you think? - Sorry, what? - (SIGHING) Oh, God! - It's like talking to Ben.
- Just arranging my evening.
What, picking up your uncle from the airport? - Gotta think on your feet.
- Yeah, thanks for that(!) - You're welcome.
- MAGDA: Hello.
Hey, how's it going, Magda? You settling in OK? Oh, yes.
I'm very happy here.
My room is very nice, bed is very comfortable.
- MARTY: Glad to hear it.
- But I can hear trains at night.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
No, there are no trains here.
We've been into all this.
(QUIETLY) Except sometimes I can hear trains.
- You must be imagining it.
- I am not imagining! Yeah, why would you make something like that up? - You can't hear trains here.
- Wrong! You can't hear any trains.
Magda can hear them.
- I don't want to be any trou - Have you ever heard a train here? - Yes.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have, in the distance.
- You're lying! I hear them every day.
- RICK: Rubbish! - Every single day.
All right, I tell you what, there's one way to settle this.
We'll just stand here until we hear a train, shall we? (LAUGHING) Aw, Jeez! - But I - No, no, ssh, ssh! - Good.
I think that settles it.
- No, give it more time.
- You've got to leave it longer.
- I don't need to give it more time.
- You've got to leave it longer than that.
- Anyway, I must go.
Is my day oct.
- MARTY: Doing anything special? - Yes, I'm going to meet - friend Eva at War Museum.
- Nice.
- To see the tanks.
- MARTY: Well, have fun.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
(SIGHS) Poor Magda, being kept awake by Oh, shut up! You know perfectly well you can't hear trains here.
- Can we write some gags, please? - OK, OK though it is hard to concentrate with all the train noise.
- Do you want a sausage? - Oh, Ben, those are I found them in the fridge.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Actually, I think you'll find they're made of No, it doesn't matter.
Cool, cool.
- So what time is Sam going to Michael's? - Er, she's already there.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, she left ages ago.
- So you're just? - Just hanging around really, yep.
Might go and see how she's getting on a bit later.
You're going to go to Michael's? Yeah, just thought I'd grab a bite to eat first.
- I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
- Saves paying for it, doesn't it? No, I mean Michael's big night is pretty important to him and Sam's supposed to be working, so, all in all, I think it might be best if you stayed away.
Sorry, I No, it'll be all right.
Have you got any ketchup? - Well, you could try the cupboard.
- OK.
Or you could always give it a sugar lump.
ct There is a world ÃnsÃde the world that you see ct and it's OK to count the minutes ct Cos how many could there be? ct and if love is all around us ct How could this have found us ct - Bonsoir.
- Oh, hi.
RICK: Sorry, am Iearly? Not at all, no.
Please come through.
Um, where's Mel? She's on her way from work, she'll be here any minute.
Let's hope she recognises the place! (LAUGHS) No, I'veI've reserved this table for you.
Sorry.
Right.
Ah, not just yet.
Now, an aperitif for you, then I can introduce you to your waitress.
- I think you'll find she's a familiar - Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi, Sam.
- No.
Aperitif first, I think.
What can I get you? The bar is - Where's Mum? - She's on her way from work.
- Have you seen Ben? - Yeah, I saw him earlier.
He'll drop by - a bit later.
- Oh, right, OK, cos I was Sorry.
To drink, what can I get you? I can recommend the Cabernet He'll have a beer, I think.
- Be back in a moment.
- Yeah.
- Yeah - Good waitress.
Knows her customers.
Yes.
Yes, quite.
- This is all very exciting, isn't it? - Yeah.
Are you expecting many people? Oh, God, yes! Once the rush starts, this place will be packed.
None of the restaurants round here get busy this early.
- But you've got quite a few bookings? - No, no.
But I've had a lot of interest, Yes, everyone seems to think it's a great idea, - so let's say I'mquietly confident.
- (They chuckle) - A-ha! - All right? RICK: Oh, hi, Ben.
- Is Sam here? - Yes, she is.
- Cool.
- She's working.
- Right.
- SAM: Hiya.
- BEN: All right? - Er, beer? - Glass.
- SAM: Glass.
Sorry, um, are you going to be eating? ErI don't know really, just see how it goes.
- Can I have some water, please? - SAM: Yeah, sure.
Is tap water OK? - Yeah.
- Glass? Glass? MICHAEL: Only there is the tapas bar round the corner if you just want aa drink and a snack.
No, it's cool.
I mean, can't really get in there anyway.
It's absolutely heaving.
Not really a rest Not really a restaurant though, is it? - More a jumped-up pub.
- I suppose.
So what time can we expect Mel? Only we did say 7.
30.
Yeah, I know.
She's got this meeting, it must have gone on.
- She'll be hereany minute, really.
- Right.
Soare you all right? You seem different.
- Yeah, not feeling too clever.
- Maybe you should go home.
- Yeah, I think I might.
- I mean to your place.
When do you think Mel might be here? I can't get hold of her.
She must be on her way.
- Have you tried her mobile? - I have thought of that, yes.
- She's not answering.
- Right, no worries.
Just wouldn't want her to miss out on the squid, that's all, in case there's a run on it.
Absolutely delicious, just fried in oil.
You should have seen them when they came in this morning - all fresh, glistening, little baby ones, you know, with thethe tentacles.
Ah, hello, looks like we're in business.
Er, Michael, maybe you should just let Good evening, why not come in and enjoy a glass of wine while you look at the menu? (VOMITS) Yep, don't worry about that, he's not a customer.
He's a friend of the waitress! No, thank you.
Right, come on, come on, come on.
Hello, Michael.
- Father? Colin? - Surprise.
I thought you weren't coming? - Colin felt we should make the effort.
- COLIN: You know what he's like.
I said, "Ambrose, it's Michael's big night! Of course we're going!" Well, I'm delighted.
Thank you.
I mean, do come in.
Oh, mind the, er You should probably get that cleared up, you know.
- It's not very - Yes, I know, it's only just happened, haven't had a chance yet.
Anyway, we've got some real treats on the menu.
- Right, why don't we sit you over - Why don't we sit over there? Always like a window seat, good for people-watching.
Right.
Um, Father, you remember Rick, don't you? I certainly do.
- Rick, this is my business partner Colin.
- Delighted to meet you, Rick.
I spotted you at the auction the other night.
Yes, I know.
I thought you were very good.
We said on the way home - how good we thought you were? - AMBROSE: Yes.
Well, let me get you a glass of wine on the house.
- BOTH: Thank you.
- Thanks.
MICHAEL: Sam? So you like Graham Evans? - What? - The waistcoat? Oh, that! No, that was more about giving to charity really.
- I gave it away.
- Really? That's very generous of you.
It's worth a lot of money.
- I looked it up.
- Professional interest, you see.
He's huge in Japan.
He wore that waistcoat on the cover of the first album.
- Did he? - Yes, you'd get - £1,500, £2,500 for that, easy.
- Oh, right.
UmRick this is a bit awkward.
I don't know whether you might have deduced that Colin and I are rather more thanbusiness partners? No, not really.
It hadn't even crossed my mind.
I mean, what you do in youris - Quite.
Well, the thing is - It's Michael.
- We can't face telling Michael about us.
- Silly, I know.
No, not at all! I mean, bloody hell.
(LOUDLY) And there we were, - stuck in traffic all the way after that.
- What's this? - Difficult journey getting here? - Very.
Ah, well, that explains it.
That's where everyone is - stuck in traffic.
Let's hope so.
No good having a restaurant without any customers.
Well, I like it like this - cosy, intimate, it's a lovely atmosphere.
This is so not my job.
Yes, well, he is so not my boyfriend.
Not that I've got a boyfriend! Heaven forbid! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I-I mean, if you did, that would be finewouldn't it? (MUMBLING) Wouldn't it? Table for four? Yes, yes, we can do that.
Er, 9.
30? Great.
Yes, see you in27 minutes.
Ah, there we are.
Four discerning diners on their way to sample the Chez Michael experience.
Shall I just tip this down the lav then, or? Yes, yes, if you would.
Ah! Here's Mel.
The rush is on.
(LAUGHS) Mel, delighted you could make it! Let me get you a glass of wine on the house.
(GIGGLES) Aw! Darling, I'm sorry I'm late.
- (GLASS TINKLES) - Good meeting? (LAUGHS) Very good! Fergus sold his show to the States and so he insisted that we all have some champagne and then we went to the pub - to celebrate.
- Did you? Mm-hm.
Anyway, where's the party? It's like a bloody morgue in here.
Actually, I'll get you some water instead.
I don't want water, I don't like watter.
/ Grrr! Sorry! (GIGGLES) Mel, have you met Michael's father Ambrose? How do you do? - And his business partner Colin.
- Delighted.
(GASPS) He's told me all about you.
You're the gay ones! (SHE KISSES THEM) But, ssh! Because Michael doesn't know.
No, on balance, I think it's safe to say # didn't ruin Michael's big night.
I know.
I don't know how you put up with me.
How was evening? Well, let's think, the place was like a morgue, Ben threw up and Michael found out his father was gay.
It was a triumph.
- You did not enjoy? - I've had better nights.
How was the War Museum? It was very nice, thank you.
I enjoyed very much.
- Oh, good.
- But my friend is upset.
She has bad memories of these things.
They should put warning sign, I think.
I think the words "war museum" do kind of warn you.
- Oh, Sam - Hi, Dad.
God, Mum, you look awful! - Can I just say - Sorry about last night, darling.
No, it's cool, it was a bit of a crap job, so it worked out quite well in the end, actually.
Yeah, Sam, you know that waistcoat I lent you? Gave me.
Yeah.
I've decided I like it.
Can I have it back? - Yeah, sure, but I gave it to Ben.
- Well, can you get it back from Ben? Definitely, only he cut it up into lots of small pieces.
Cut it up?! Why?! It was for a textile project.
Um, he's gonna make, like, a collage.
What of? A waistcoat, but he went oct the idea coswell, it's a bit rubbish really.
What has happened to sausages? Oh, those.
Yeah, they've gone.
Where have they gone? Well, they're all over the pavement outside Michael's café.
How did this happen? - It's a long story.
- Please don't remind me.
- I like these sausages.
- Yes, I know you do, Magda.
When is your boiler going to be fixed? - Boiler is leaking gas - carbon monoxide.
- Please, don't tell - the whole story again.
- Very dangerous.
- I know.
- Landlord's brother is coming to fix.
Yeah, I know.
First he must go to people and ask for part, but I know ct I wanna get hÃgh But I really can't take the paÃn ct Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane ct Oh, I'm like a one-man band ct So, tell me, how were theNational Tyre Fitters' Awards? Yeah, it went really well, I came up with this great gag.
This guy in the front row - Ssh, you hear that? - What? No, listen, I can (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS, RAILS CLACK) Oh, that is brilliant.
You've been planning that for the last two days?! Yes, I have.
Well, I feel very sorry for you that you had to do that - cos it means you've lost the argument.
- No, I didn't lose the argument.
- There are no trains! - (LAUGHING) There dre trains.
You know very well
Any advance? £11,500 going to the gentleman on table 1 2.
Goinggone! Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) Yeah, well done.
Next up is a waistcoat worn by Graham Evans of the Graham Evans Band.
Anyone going to start the bidding at £700? £700 for the waistcoat? RICK: £700 No, I'll tell you what, I'll start the bidding myself.
- I'll bid £500 of my own money.
- (APPLAUSE) Cos, yeah So, come on, who'll give me £600 for the waistcoat? £600 for the waistcoat worn by Graham Evans of the Graham Evans Band? OK, £600.
I'll tell you what, let's not be silly.
£550 for the waistcoat.
Did I have a bid here, sir? Do I have a bid, was that? You moved your arm Yes, you did.
(CLEARS THROAT) Could you keep still if you're not bidding? Come on, help me out.
I'm not being paid for this! (LAUGHS) £501 ? Sir? (QUIETLY) Madam? Anybody? (CLEARS THROAT) ct I wanna get hÃgh But I really can't take the paÃn ct Graham Evans.
As in the Graham Evans Band? If I'd heard of the Graham Evans Band, I'd of heard of Graham Evans.
- (SIGHS) Oh, it doesn't matter.
- But how much did you bid for it? It doesn't matter.
The point is, guess who was in the audience? Graham Evans? Ambrose! Michael's father.
Which Michael? Michael from the café! He was there with a man! He's gay! - So? - What do you mean, so? It's Michael's father! What's he gonna think - when he finds out his dad isyou know? - Well, maybe he knows.
Oh, of course he doesn't.
You know what Michael's like.
He's not even comfortable with the idea of normal sex.
God knows Normal sex?! You are so homophobic! - Oh, no.
What's she done now? - Nothing.
- She needs somewhere to stay.
- What's wrong with her bedsit? It's not safe.
The boiler's leaking carbon monoxide.
They've had to move everyone out.
That's a bit of an overreaction, isn't it? A whilst of fumes and the whole place has to be evacuated.
I mean, she grew up next to a power station.
A bit of Calor Gas isn't gonna make any difference to her lungs.
It's carbon monoxide.
It's potentially fatal.
She could open a window.
Well, I've said she can stay here until it's fixed.
How long's that gonna be? Unless you'd rather have her sleeping in a shop doorway? No, no, wouldn't want that.
Life's hard enough for tramps as it is.
You are sweet.
It's just it wouldn't happen the other way round.
If our boiler packed up, it wouldn't be all round to Magda's.
No, because we're not at the mercy of a rogue landlord.
That's right - as soon as you're losing the argument, you go.
(DOOR SLAMS) OK, how about this? Welcome to the National Tyre Fitters' Awards.
Now it's our turn to have a blowout.
These aren't new trophies.
They're retreads, but they're cheaper and they should see you through next year's do.
Rick? (SIGHS) I mean, how do you tell someone their father's gay? Please, can we drop this? I'm just saying, how long's he been like that? I have no idea and you don't even know if he is gay.
- Of course he is.
- They might just be friends.
If you'd been there and seen what I saw and saw how he reacted when he saw me seeing them, then you wouldn't be saying what you're saying.
You'd be saying what I am saying.
So how much did you pay for the waistcoat? - Oh, that's private.
- That much, huh? They took it out of my fee, so - So does it fit? - I don't know.
- You haven't even tried it on? - I don't need to.
- Try it on.
- No! - Why not? - Because I didn't buy it to wear it.
The money goes to charity.
It's a donation.
- It's too small, isn't it? - Can we justget on with these gags? Sure.
It's funny though.
Married all those years.
Turns out he's leading a double life.
Rick, you're obsessed.
I am not obsessed! Did you know Michael's father was gay? - Yes? - You knew?! How did you know? - No, I did not know.
- Well, why did you say yes? - I did not.
- You did.
I said yes, because I'm asking yes.
I'm not Yes, all right.
Fine.
I understand.
Mel has told you I'm living here? Staying here temporarily for a day or two.
- Boiler is leaking gas.
- Fumes, yeah.
BOTH: Carbon monoxide.
Very dangerous.
Mel told me.
I know.
Yep.
- Landlord has been served with notice - I know! Mel told me the whole story.
- so I must come and stay with you.
- Anyway, in case you bump into Michael, he doesn't know.
What he does not know? That his father's gay! I mean, God knows what he'd do if he found out.
He'd be traumatised.
Perhaps he can be cured.
No, Magda! That's a bit homophobic.
There's no cure for homosexuality, it's just something you're stuck with.
Not that it's a bad thing to be stuck with.
- Do you think it's good to be like this? - Yes Well, no, not good, but not bad either, it's just Well, it's OK.
It's really It's perfectly normal, absolutely fine.
God, I hate to say it, Magda, you really do have some very backward ideas! So I trust you'll be joining us on Friday? - Friday? - An evening chez Michael.
Your chance to sample the finest cuisine in an intimate, sophisticated atmosphere.
So where's this happening? Here.
It has been on the notice board for a while.
Oh, I didn't see.
Oh, is that this Friday? Oh, that's too bad! My uncle's flying in from Chicago and I have to pick him up at the airport.
- Do you? - MICHAEL: Oh, that's a pity.
- Still, you'll be coming? - Oh, I don't know.
It's short notice.
I did mention it to Mel and she seemed rather keen.
She didn't say anything to me.
I was rather relying on you.
You're very much the guest of honour.
Well, you know, obviously I wouldn't want to let you down.
- Well, please don't.
- No, I won't.
Is this going to be a regular thing? You're gonna open in the evenings now? Oh, yes.
Yes, if it works, why not? Always been an ambition.
Now I've got the new place, why not go for it and become a full-time restaurateur? - What about your social life? - I haven't really got one, to be honest.
So, Michael, will your father be coming on Friday? Father? No, no.
Father doesn't approve of my career "in the catering trade", as he likes to call it.
And, anyway, he's away at an antiques fair with Colin.
Colin? His partner.
- Oh, right.
- OK.
Business partner! (LAUGHS) Got to be careful how you phrase that these days otherwise people might think, you know - Perish the thought! (LAUGHS) - Funnily enough, I saw your father the other night.
I was doing one of these charity auction things and, yeah, he was there with someonewho is, um you knowlike a man.
Oh, that'll be Colin.
Yes, they're great mates.
Father retired, bit of a loose end, always had a passion for film memorabilia, turns out Colin's got a shop selling that kind of thing.
Yeah, Father was looking for an opening - Enter Colin.
- Precisely.
Am putting my food on this shelf.
- So I see.
- That way it does not get mixed with your food.
I think I get the idea.
I have special sausages my mother sent from home.
- Nice.
- But, please, if you don't mind, do not take because I cannot get in this country.
I don't think anyone's gonna take those.
They're made from special meat and blood.
Mmm, really? So this is why I don't want I can pretty much guarantee no-one will touch them.
But if you like this, you can have.
- No, I'm fine.
- This is also from my country.
You can actually get that anywhere, but thanks anyway.
No, you cannot get anywhere.
Yes, I think any supermarket you can get those.
- No, you can only get - Look, let me show you.
See? Yes, here you are.
"Processed and packaged at Unit 1 2, "Trade Hill Industrial Estate, Peterborough.
" If you do not like, you do not have to have.
- All right? - All right, Rick, Magda? - Hi, Ben.
- Dad, is this your waistcoat? Yeah, it used to belong to a famous pop star actually, but, um - Cool.
- Wow! Who is it? Graham Evans As in the Graham Evans Band? - He used to be Wellanyway - Well, it's wicked.
Can I have it? Yeah! Go on.
I bought it with you in mind anyway.
Oh, cool.
Thanks, Dad.
So, Magda, have you moved in then? - Yes, boiler is leaking gas.
- Yep, they know.
- Carbon monoxide.
- Carbon monoxide.
I've told them.
- That stuff's really dangerous.
- I don't know about that.
Landlord has been served with notice.
Wow, poor you.
Poor Magda.
Poor all of us! (LAUGHS) So any luck with the job-hunting? Er, yeah.
Got an interview, but, er, it didn't really work out.
Oh, you didn't get it? No, I didn't make the interview.
You know, it was raining.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, I thought, "You know, something else will come along.
" - And has it? - No.
No.
No, but, um, it doesn't matter though, Dad, - cos the thing is, I've got a job.
- Yeah?! - That's great news! Well done! - Yeah, cheers.
Yeah, it's waitressing at Michael's café.
Oh, right.
Yeah, well, it's only this Friday.
- Would you like? - Oh, yeah! - I'll take two.
- Oh, thanks, Magda! My mother has sent from home, from my country.
SAM: Wow, cheese! Huh! Christ.
(BANGING FROM OVERHEAD) (HE SIGHS AND TUTS) - (WHISPERS) God's sake! - She's probably just - moving the bed around or something.
- Well, I've never heard anything like it.
Don't be ridiculous! You'd think she had the exorcist up there with her.
- Have you seen the fridge? - No, what's the matter with it? Nothing.
Well, nothing yet.
She's put her food in it.
Where did you expect her to put her food? In the airing cupboard? No, I'm just saying, you know, she's partitioned it.
There's a no-go zone now.
The top shelf.
It's like the Berlin Wall.
- You can't - Shut up.
OK.
Look, Magda is not just someone who cleans for us.
She's our friend.
Anyway, she's not gonna be here for long.
- Been a whole day so far.
- (WHISPERS) Oh, dear.
Did you tell Michael that we'd go to his restaurant evening on Friday? No.
- Well, he told me you did.
- I mean, he mentioned it and I said it sounded like a nice idea.
That's like a yes to him, isn't it? That's all the encouragement someone like Michael needs, unless you actually pin him to the wall and go, "Look, you nutter, "I don't want to come to your rubbish evening," he's gonna take that as a yes, isn't he? Hm? Just say we're busy.
Ah, Marty's bagged that one.
I've got a big meeting on Friday, so we won't No, we're committed now.
Anyway, I am the guest of honour, so Oh, I see! - Guestof honour.
- (Door opens) - Oh, hi, Sam.
- Hiya.
- RICK: Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, did you get my text? - Erno.
About the job-hunting? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, no luck, unfortunately.
I got your text and I was texting you back - and then someone called - You did get a job! At Michael's.
Oh, yeah, I did get a job at Michael's on Saturday.
Friday.
Yeah, on Friday.
Um, well, good for you! Congratulations.
Well, we'll have to go now, leave a nice big tip.
Well, I was going to go and fix a bite to eat, so Oh, stay away from Magda's stuff.
It's alarmed.
She'll hear it and come running.
- (RICK CHUCKLES) - OK.
Oh, and don't touch the carthorse-flavoured sausages.
(CHUCKLES) (CRASHING FROM ABOVE) Oh, God.
ct I've got nothing else to say to you ct I'm all out of reasons and rhymes ct I don't care about your problems ct Most directly you don't care about mine ct You say you're sorry No offence Ãntended ct But your contempt is plain to see ct You're so quick to play the vÃctÃm ct The only vÃctÃm here is me ct I'm so tÃred of being everybody's run-around ct - (SIGHS) - Good morning.
Hello.
Sausages again? - Yes, I like to have every morning.
- Mm, I noticed.
- Any news about the boiler? - No.
What's the problem? Can't they get someone to? - Boiler is leaking gas - carbon monoxide.
- I know all that.
- Why can't they get anyone to fix it? - Landlord's brother has come to fix, but he does not know this boiler so he must ask people who make - Just pay someone.
- Is very old - Why can't they buy a new one? - I have said this, but it's very expensive, so landlord says I must wait to be fixed.
And in the meantime just live here.
Yes.
But at least I'm not paying rent.
- That's nice for you.
- Thank you.
I'm very happy here.
Glad to hear it.
But, ooh, trains are noisy at night.
Sorry? - Trains, very noisy at night.
- There aren't any trains here.
Yes, I cannot sleep for sound of train.
- No, there aren't any trains here! - This does not wake you? No, because there aren't any I can honestly say I have never heard a single train in this house, day or night! - Very noisy, I think.
- Yeah, but, there aren't any (GROANS) At least you weren't gassed in your sleep.
Right, that's me oct.
Don't forget Michael's thing tonight.
No.
What time will you be home? I told you, I'll see you there.
I've got the Fergus Donnelly meeting this afternoon.
Oh, that! You're still trying to - flog his show to the States.
- Yes.
Well, the Americans should love him - he's fat enough.
I'll give him your regards.
And behave yourself at Michael's.
It's his big night.
I don't want you ruining it.
What makes you think I'll ruin it? I'm the guest of honour.
(MEL LAUGHS) RICK: How about this? Welcome to the National Tyre Fitters' Awards.
You must be under a lot of pressure, ct2psi to be precise.
Well, what do you think? - Sorry, what? - (SIGHING) Oh, God! - It's like talking to Ben.
- Just arranging my evening.
What, picking up your uncle from the airport? - Gotta think on your feet.
- Yeah, thanks for that(!) - You're welcome.
- MAGDA: Hello.
Hey, how's it going, Magda? You settling in OK? Oh, yes.
I'm very happy here.
My room is very nice, bed is very comfortable.
- MARTY: Glad to hear it.
- But I can hear trains at night.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
No, there are no trains here.
We've been into all this.
(QUIETLY) Except sometimes I can hear trains.
- You must be imagining it.
- I am not imagining! Yeah, why would you make something like that up? - You can't hear trains here.
- Wrong! You can't hear any trains.
Magda can hear them.
- I don't want to be any trou - Have you ever heard a train here? - Yes.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have, in the distance.
- You're lying! I hear them every day.
- RICK: Rubbish! - Every single day.
All right, I tell you what, there's one way to settle this.
We'll just stand here until we hear a train, shall we? (LAUGHING) Aw, Jeez! - But I - No, no, ssh, ssh! - Good.
I think that settles it.
- No, give it more time.
- You've got to leave it longer.
- I don't need to give it more time.
- You've got to leave it longer than that.
- Anyway, I must go.
Is my day oct.
- MARTY: Doing anything special? - Yes, I'm going to meet - friend Eva at War Museum.
- Nice.
- To see the tanks.
- MARTY: Well, have fun.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
(SIGHS) Poor Magda, being kept awake by Oh, shut up! You know perfectly well you can't hear trains here.
- Can we write some gags, please? - OK, OK though it is hard to concentrate with all the train noise.
- Do you want a sausage? - Oh, Ben, those are I found them in the fridge.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Actually, I think you'll find they're made of No, it doesn't matter.
Cool, cool.
- So what time is Sam going to Michael's? - Er, she's already there.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, she left ages ago.
- So you're just? - Just hanging around really, yep.
Might go and see how she's getting on a bit later.
You're going to go to Michael's? Yeah, just thought I'd grab a bite to eat first.
- I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
- Saves paying for it, doesn't it? No, I mean Michael's big night is pretty important to him and Sam's supposed to be working, so, all in all, I think it might be best if you stayed away.
Sorry, I No, it'll be all right.
Have you got any ketchup? - Well, you could try the cupboard.
- OK.
Or you could always give it a sugar lump.
ct There is a world ÃnsÃde the world that you see ct and it's OK to count the minutes ct Cos how many could there be? ct and if love is all around us ct How could this have found us ct - Bonsoir.
- Oh, hi.
RICK: Sorry, am Iearly? Not at all, no.
Please come through.
Um, where's Mel? She's on her way from work, she'll be here any minute.
Let's hope she recognises the place! (LAUGHS) No, I'veI've reserved this table for you.
Sorry.
Right.
Ah, not just yet.
Now, an aperitif for you, then I can introduce you to your waitress.
- I think you'll find she's a familiar - Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi, Sam.
- No.
Aperitif first, I think.
What can I get you? The bar is - Where's Mum? - She's on her way from work.
- Have you seen Ben? - Yeah, I saw him earlier.
He'll drop by - a bit later.
- Oh, right, OK, cos I was Sorry.
To drink, what can I get you? I can recommend the Cabernet He'll have a beer, I think.
- Be back in a moment.
- Yeah.
- Yeah - Good waitress.
Knows her customers.
Yes.
Yes, quite.
- This is all very exciting, isn't it? - Yeah.
Are you expecting many people? Oh, God, yes! Once the rush starts, this place will be packed.
None of the restaurants round here get busy this early.
- But you've got quite a few bookings? - No, no.
But I've had a lot of interest, Yes, everyone seems to think it's a great idea, - so let's say I'mquietly confident.
- (They chuckle) - A-ha! - All right? RICK: Oh, hi, Ben.
- Is Sam here? - Yes, she is.
- Cool.
- She's working.
- Right.
- SAM: Hiya.
- BEN: All right? - Er, beer? - Glass.
- SAM: Glass.
Sorry, um, are you going to be eating? ErI don't know really, just see how it goes.
- Can I have some water, please? - SAM: Yeah, sure.
Is tap water OK? - Yeah.
- Glass? Glass? MICHAEL: Only there is the tapas bar round the corner if you just want aa drink and a snack.
No, it's cool.
I mean, can't really get in there anyway.
It's absolutely heaving.
Not really a rest Not really a restaurant though, is it? - More a jumped-up pub.
- I suppose.
So what time can we expect Mel? Only we did say 7.
30.
Yeah, I know.
She's got this meeting, it must have gone on.
- She'll be hereany minute, really.
- Right.
Soare you all right? You seem different.
- Yeah, not feeling too clever.
- Maybe you should go home.
- Yeah, I think I might.
- I mean to your place.
When do you think Mel might be here? I can't get hold of her.
She must be on her way.
- Have you tried her mobile? - I have thought of that, yes.
- She's not answering.
- Right, no worries.
Just wouldn't want her to miss out on the squid, that's all, in case there's a run on it.
Absolutely delicious, just fried in oil.
You should have seen them when they came in this morning - all fresh, glistening, little baby ones, you know, with thethe tentacles.
Ah, hello, looks like we're in business.
Er, Michael, maybe you should just let Good evening, why not come in and enjoy a glass of wine while you look at the menu? (VOMITS) Yep, don't worry about that, he's not a customer.
He's a friend of the waitress! No, thank you.
Right, come on, come on, come on.
Hello, Michael.
- Father? Colin? - Surprise.
I thought you weren't coming? - Colin felt we should make the effort.
- COLIN: You know what he's like.
I said, "Ambrose, it's Michael's big night! Of course we're going!" Well, I'm delighted.
Thank you.
I mean, do come in.
Oh, mind the, er You should probably get that cleared up, you know.
- It's not very - Yes, I know, it's only just happened, haven't had a chance yet.
Anyway, we've got some real treats on the menu.
- Right, why don't we sit you over - Why don't we sit over there? Always like a window seat, good for people-watching.
Right.
Um, Father, you remember Rick, don't you? I certainly do.
- Rick, this is my business partner Colin.
- Delighted to meet you, Rick.
I spotted you at the auction the other night.
Yes, I know.
I thought you were very good.
We said on the way home - how good we thought you were? - AMBROSE: Yes.
Well, let me get you a glass of wine on the house.
- BOTH: Thank you.
- Thanks.
MICHAEL: Sam? So you like Graham Evans? - What? - The waistcoat? Oh, that! No, that was more about giving to charity really.
- I gave it away.
- Really? That's very generous of you.
It's worth a lot of money.
- I looked it up.
- Professional interest, you see.
He's huge in Japan.
He wore that waistcoat on the cover of the first album.
- Did he? - Yes, you'd get - £1,500, £2,500 for that, easy.
- Oh, right.
UmRick this is a bit awkward.
I don't know whether you might have deduced that Colin and I are rather more thanbusiness partners? No, not really.
It hadn't even crossed my mind.
I mean, what you do in youris - Quite.
Well, the thing is - It's Michael.
- We can't face telling Michael about us.
- Silly, I know.
No, not at all! I mean, bloody hell.
(LOUDLY) And there we were, - stuck in traffic all the way after that.
- What's this? - Difficult journey getting here? - Very.
Ah, well, that explains it.
That's where everyone is - stuck in traffic.
Let's hope so.
No good having a restaurant without any customers.
Well, I like it like this - cosy, intimate, it's a lovely atmosphere.
This is so not my job.
Yes, well, he is so not my boyfriend.
Not that I've got a boyfriend! Heaven forbid! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I-I mean, if you did, that would be finewouldn't it? (MUMBLING) Wouldn't it? Table for four? Yes, yes, we can do that.
Er, 9.
30? Great.
Yes, see you in27 minutes.
Ah, there we are.
Four discerning diners on their way to sample the Chez Michael experience.
Shall I just tip this down the lav then, or? Yes, yes, if you would.
Ah! Here's Mel.
The rush is on.
(LAUGHS) Mel, delighted you could make it! Let me get you a glass of wine on the house.
(GIGGLES) Aw! Darling, I'm sorry I'm late.
- (GLASS TINKLES) - Good meeting? (LAUGHS) Very good! Fergus sold his show to the States and so he insisted that we all have some champagne and then we went to the pub - to celebrate.
- Did you? Mm-hm.
Anyway, where's the party? It's like a bloody morgue in here.
Actually, I'll get you some water instead.
I don't want water, I don't like watter.
/ Grrr! Sorry! (GIGGLES) Mel, have you met Michael's father Ambrose? How do you do? - And his business partner Colin.
- Delighted.
(GASPS) He's told me all about you.
You're the gay ones! (SHE KISSES THEM) But, ssh! Because Michael doesn't know.
No, on balance, I think it's safe to say # didn't ruin Michael's big night.
I know.
I don't know how you put up with me.
How was evening? Well, let's think, the place was like a morgue, Ben threw up and Michael found out his father was gay.
It was a triumph.
- You did not enjoy? - I've had better nights.
How was the War Museum? It was very nice, thank you.
I enjoyed very much.
- Oh, good.
- But my friend is upset.
She has bad memories of these things.
They should put warning sign, I think.
I think the words "war museum" do kind of warn you.
- Oh, Sam - Hi, Dad.
God, Mum, you look awful! - Can I just say - Sorry about last night, darling.
No, it's cool, it was a bit of a crap job, so it worked out quite well in the end, actually.
Yeah, Sam, you know that waistcoat I lent you? Gave me.
Yeah.
I've decided I like it.
Can I have it back? - Yeah, sure, but I gave it to Ben.
- Well, can you get it back from Ben? Definitely, only he cut it up into lots of small pieces.
Cut it up?! Why?! It was for a textile project.
Um, he's gonna make, like, a collage.
What of? A waistcoat, but he went oct the idea coswell, it's a bit rubbish really.
What has happened to sausages? Oh, those.
Yeah, they've gone.
Where have they gone? Well, they're all over the pavement outside Michael's café.
How did this happen? - It's a long story.
- Please don't remind me.
- I like these sausages.
- Yes, I know you do, Magda.
When is your boiler going to be fixed? - Boiler is leaking gas - carbon monoxide.
- Please, don't tell - the whole story again.
- Very dangerous.
- I know.
- Landlord's brother is coming to fix.
Yeah, I know.
First he must go to people and ask for part, but I know ct I wanna get hÃgh But I really can't take the paÃn ct Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane ct Oh, I'm like a one-man band ct So, tell me, how were theNational Tyre Fitters' Awards? Yeah, it went really well, I came up with this great gag.
This guy in the front row - Ssh, you hear that? - What? No, listen, I can (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS, RAILS CLACK) Oh, that is brilliant.
You've been planning that for the last two days?! Yes, I have.
Well, I feel very sorry for you that you had to do that - cos it means you've lost the argument.
- No, I didn't lose the argument.
- There are no trains! - (LAUGHING) There dre trains.
You know very well