Life in Pieces (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

1 GREG: Parenting is easy.
(CRYING): Oh, God, no! (BOTH CRYING) JOHN: Hey, there's our favorite almost eight or nine-year-old granddaughter.
- We got married.
- What? Clementine knows my entire romantic history.
You have no romantic history.
Then, she knows that.
I can't believe this is our house.
Babe, that fridge saw me naked more times than you did.
I know she did.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Come on, bring it in, buddy.
- Oh.
Don't tell me the universe doesn't want us together.
(RAILING SNAPS) (COLLEEN CRIES OUT) (SPLASH IN POOL) Colleen? (COLLEEN CRIES OUT) This is our wedding night.
And now our lives are ruined.
Because of your motel balcony, we haven't even been able to consummate our marriage.
Mm-mm.
I mean, we do some stuff.
- Yeah, but not the stuff.
- Mm-mm.
Although the stuff we have been doing has been really nice.
- I really appreciate the effort you've put in.
- (CLEARS THROAT) It's been really great.
Excuse me, yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) That's just the universal sign for "Stop talking.
" This may not be the amount you were hoping for, but this is the best the motel can offer.
(SIGHS) $2 million? $2 million.
COLLEEN: $2 million.
BOTH: Oh, my God.
Hey - $2 million? - (LAUGHS) That's not our official response.
We're gonna mull it over and we'll get back to you.
- No, no, we're not.
- No, no, no! - MATT: No! - COLLEEN: No, no, we want it.
(MATT LAUGHS) Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me.
MATT: Well, I guess by now you've all heard about our-our settlement.
So, it's pretty obvious that, well, things couldn't be going any better for Colleen and me.
Uh, Matt, could you turn me around? Oh, yeah, sorry.
COLLEEN: Hi, guys.
(CHUCKLES) Been a long road to get here.
But, uh, through it all, you, my family, you, uh, even in my darkest hour, you always believed in me because you knew that one day I would make it.
"Make it"? Your wife fell off a balcony.
Exactly.
My wife.
You don't think that my wife could fall off a balcony? Just admit it, Greg.
You've always thought that you were better than me.
I never thought that.
I did.
But now I think that Matt's the best.
- Wow.
- So weird.
MATT: Uh, now, e-even though I am the millionaire, Colleen and I have decided that we're not gonna - let this money change us.
- No.
MATT: Are you ready? It's a cash grab.
Oh! Cash grab! Oh! Oh, this is it.
MATT: This is everything that you've ever lent me over the years, swirling around in a giant vortex of money.
It looks like only ones.
I mean, this is really showy, Jen.
Besides, like, I don't have money? Look, I got plenty of money.
You see all this? I got all of this money right no, that's mine! Mine! That's (GRUNTS) There isn't a booth big enough for all the money that you've lent me.
Thank you, Dad.
Here's what I think of you paying me back.
It was a gamble, you pushing Colleen off that balcony, but it paid off.
You're a bigger man than I'll ever be.
JOAN: I want to get out! Let me out, please! Oh, oh, no! No, no, it's swallowing me! Oh, no! Well, I hope you all had fun today.
But Matt and I feel like what's the point of having all this money if there's nowhere to spend it.
So, we are taking you all to Las Vegas! Pack your bags! Vegas, bitches! Yeah! Then what the hell you do it for? Babe, everyone is so proud of you.
You're a winner now.
We both are.
I'll feel more like it when you don't have to lift me off the toilet.
Hey, guys.
Just want you to really hold onto this happiness for as long as you can, which, in this case, is not very long.
You see, the motel just filed for bankruptcy.
What does that mean? Well, it means that you get nothing.
Not-Nothing? They can do that? Yeah, sadly, they can.
I'm so sorry.
But this is fun.
What the hell you do it for? So, the good news is, um, we're going to Vegas.
The, uh, bad news is that we won't be able to cover the rooms, the shows, or the food.
And also, it's Barstow, not Vegas.
But the bus is totally on us as long as you give us the cash back.
And also, don't open any more champagne.
(CORK POPS) Oh.
I brought this from home.
LARK: Paci! Paci! Paci! Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? - LARK: Paci! Paci! - JEN: Just a second, Lark! Come on, come on, come on.
Where is it? Where is it? Please, please, please.
Where is it? - Hey! I'm in here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, quit messing around, honey.
- Come on, help me.
- LARK: Paci! Paci! I need it.
Somebody hand me it.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay, here, here, here.
Please, please, just suck on one of these.
- Any, please.
- JEN: Unless one of those is the stinky-ass yellow one with the chewed up handle, you're just wasting our time.
Uh, yeah, well, look.
Oh, see this.
I'm chewing on the handle.
Right here, okay.
Now, here.
Try it.
Okay, I've run out of ideas.
I know.
The car.
- I'm checking the car.
- GREG: Yeah, great.
Check between the oh, whoa, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
You are not getting away again.
Oh, please, honey.
Just ten minutes.
- One beer, I'll be right home.
- No.
No one is leaving here until we find this paci.
Paci, I need it, Mommy.
I know, sweetie.
I feel your pain.
I felt the same way when they pulled fen-phen from the drugstore shelves.
- Found it! - JEN: What? Where was it? It was in the pantry along with something else I thought I lost.
- My ukulele.
- Oh.
- You found that, too? - Yeah.
And you're still doing the authentic pronunciation.
Night, night.
Oh, God.
Honey, we have got to break her of this habit now or she's gonna wind up on a street corner selling her body for pacifiers.
And honestly, I don't think she's got the ass for it.
Ah, you're right.
It's just we have to do this delicately, you know? Yeah.
This is totally one of those things that could, like, scar a kid for life.
I know.
Why don't we tell her that she has to send her paci to the Paci Fairy? That like the sweatpants fairy your mom made up so you'd stop wearing sweatpants to school every day? - Yeah.
- That's so weird.
It's not weird if it works.
Hmm Oh, come on.
What, these are my lounge-abouts, right? Chefs wear these.
- Mm-hmm.
- O-Oh.
We could tell her that the Paci Fairy is a guy, so that you don't have an issue with it being sexist.
No, my issue is not with his gender.
Although, why couldn't a fairy be a guy? My issue is that parents shouldn't lie to their kids.
Remember what happened with the Sinclairs? They told that kid he could fly.
Oh, my gosh, I never sent flowers.
Don't worry, I took care of it.
- Thank you.
- And I'm gonna take care of this, too.
By not lying to our child.
I mean, the last thing we need is her standing at her bat mitzvah with a paci in her mouth.
- You know, or her confirmation.
- One thing at a time.
- Okay.
- You know? JEN: Oh, come on, Lark.
Come on, can we please just talk about this? Lark, listen to me.
Do you really want to grow up to be like that lispy chick from my office? You've met her.
She had a pacifier.
And now she lives alone with a turtle.
GREG: Jen, trying to scare our kid by telling her she's gonna go live with a turtle is like trying to scare a Jewish mother by saying her kid's gonna grow up to be a doctor.
Stop.
You think Lark could be a doctor? - (GROANS) - (SIGHS) All right.
Honey? Um Listen, have you, have you ever heard of the, um, the Paci Fairy? LARK: Paci Fairy, who's that? Well.
Your daddy is gonna tell you all about him.
Yeah oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
GREG: Yeah.
We're gonna send your paci away on a balloon to the Paci Fairy, and because you are such a big girl, he is gonna get you a present.
A present? - Yeah.
- That's right.
Yeah.
But if you keep your paci, then the Paci Monster sneaks into your room at night when you're sleeping, and he just eats you up in one big bite.
(WHISPERS): Jen, what the hell are you doing? Come on, "Paci Monster"? Come on.
I don't know, I felt like we needed a bad guy or something.
Okay.
Paci Fairy, no monster.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Okay, so Here we go.
All right? Now, everybody is here, so we're gonna send these off, and let it float away to the Paci Fairy, and then he is gonna bring you a big present.
The Paci Fairy's a dude? Joanie, get your hat, we're leaving.
Stop.
This is so something you only do for the first kid.
Oh, totally.
Come on, Tyler's pacifier got a blastoff to Paci Planet, while Samantha's got tossed into the garbage disposal while I screamed at her, "Look at what you made Mommy do!" Do you remember that, sweetie? Yeah, I remember feeling like it was my fault but not knowing why.
I don't even remember what we did with Sophia's pacifier.
I probably lost it or something.
Okay, ready? We're gonna count it off.
- Five - Five ALL: Four three two Wait, wait.
What? All done.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Bye-bye, paci! - (CHEERING) - HEATHER: Good job, Lark.
- LARK: See you, sucker.
- Come here, I'm so proud of you.
- Come here, sweetie.
Oh.
You're such a big girl.
And now, no big scary Paci Monster's gonna come and eat my Lark's face off.
Oops.
Look, right there.
Oh, the power lines.
- JEN: Oh, God.
- GREG: No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no - (ELECTRICITY SPARKING) - Oh! (WHISPERING): No Paci Monster, no Paci Monster.
No Paci Monster.
Mommy! Ugh, what have we done? 'Cause I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's the wrong thing.
We need a bigger crib.
Yeah.
- Whoo - Here we go, come on - Whoo - Think you see us coming from a mile away They want to see us, want to be us, nah, we don't play Hey Yeah, getting fancy, as you can see We got to go, making you move, now come on, get on your feet Say one, two, what's the move - Five, six, do it like this - (SIREN WAILS) - Yeah, get up - POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, please pull over.
- Whoo - Right now Ma'am.
Please pull the mower over.
- Ma'am? - Don't call me ma'am.
- Whoo - Right now - Get up - Whoo Right now, get up.
Whoo-hoo! HEATHER: Sophia, are you kidding me? It wasn't me.
I just took you off the lawn mower.
Sweetheart, why would you do such a thing? I don't know.
I'm bored over here.
But, dear, we have a tennis ball.
Sophia, our house just burned down.
We have a ton of boxes to unpack.
Why do we even need so many boxes? Because we might be living here for a year.
Okay, so it's not a great time for you to jack a lawn mower and take it for a joyride.
I-I'll watch her, Heather, you go unpack your boxes.
You know, sometimes, these kids need to be disciplined the old-fashioned way.
HEATHER: Oh.
Here, go put this in my closet.
I don't want to get it dirty.
'Cause we're gonna be doing some hard labor.
N-No.
Put that down.
We're not here to play.
We're here to work.
(GROANS) All right.
Now, get up there.
I'm not supposed to go in the attic, you know.
Well, why don't you channel some of that sass into figuring out what critter is scratching around up there? Is this even safe? No, but that's what the rope is for.
Fine.
I'm going.
But I better get some candy when I'm done.
Even coal miners get to have a beer at the end of the day.
Sophia? I baked some cookies.
Come on down, I'll give them to you.
What the? (GRUNTS) Mr.
Pickle? I've been had.
Sophia? Sophia? (GRUNTS) Tim, have you seen Sophia? I thought you were watching her.
I thought you were unpacking.
I fell in the pool.
In your swimming trunks? I was quite lucky.
Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- I fell in the pool.
Uh, where's Sophia? Oh, we were playing hide-and-seek, uh Uh, Sophia? Pop-Pop gives up.
Come on out, right now.
She's not gonna learn what hard work is if you let her just quit in the middle of a game.
Sophia, honey, you stay hidden, okay? You make Pop-Pop look for you.
Sophia? Sophia! Okay, Tank.
This is Sophia's scent.
Now, go find her, girl.
Is she outside? Is that it? (BARKING) (GASPS) My sweater.
I've been looking for that.
(LAUGHS) Well, then who's Tank chasing? A Subaru? What? Tank! Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
Have you seen a little girl? Uh, she was in my attic, but, uh, she got away.
She must've squiggled out of the rope I had tied around her.
Come on, Gracie, let me show you the other sidewalk.
Did you lose Sophia, dear? No.
Well, all right, yeah, she she duped me.
Her-Her and that pickle were working together.
You know, sometimes kids can be a lot like dogs.
When they feel lost, they usually go home.
Wait, a-are we still talking about Sophia? 'Cause I lost Tank, too.
We're talking about our granddaughter.
If you want to find her, think about what she just lost.
Well, there you are.
That wasn't a very nice trick you played on Pop-Pop.
In some families, my creativity would be celebrated.
Well, why are you doing it? I mean, you're usually so well-behaved.
Don't tell anybody, but you're kind of my favorite grandkid.
I know.
You wrote it on my birthday cake.
So, what is it? You can talk to me.
This is my home.
I don't know how to live anywhere else.
Oh, honey.
This is just a house.
A home is where your family is.
And you're always gonna have a home with me.
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
I already feel safer.
Oh, my God! We'd better go.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
(COUGHS) TIM: So, what do you think Tyler's announcement is? Either Clementine's pregnant or they want us to listen to a new song.
God, I hope she's pregnant.
Hi, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
So, after much consideration and a Twitter poll, Clementine and I have decided that our marriage has come to its natural conclusion.
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
All marriages come to a natural conclusion.
Y-You stick it out.
- It's okay, Mom.
It's for the best.
- (GROANS) Can't you convince her to take you back? No, it was my idea.
If Tyler gets to quit his marriage, can I quit tee-ball? I've been doing that twice as long.
I'm really sorry, honey.
So strange.
You always think you'll divorce before your children.
(SOFTLY): Yeah.
Oh, poor Tyler and Clementine.
Oh.
I-I didn't get to say good-bye to her.
I don't think I ever said hello to her.
I don't think we ever even had a conversation.
Oh, well.
Hey, family.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Love you.
- I love you.
- (GIGGLES) You're a liar, Heather, the same damn liar you've always been.
(STAMMERS) Hi.
Hi.
Wh-Wh-What's going on? You told us that you were getting a divorce.
Well, I mean, legally, we have filed for divorce, but that doesn't mean we can't still share a house or our music or our cat.
Yeah, we just got a cat.
Probably wasn't the best timing, though.
Look, the point is, Tyler and I are still gonna be best friends who just love and support each other as we explore new relationships.
- We're calling it romantic unsyncing.
- Romantic unsyncing.
Is it okay if in the Christmas letter, if I just call it divorced? No, Joan.
Oh, okay.
I've enjoyed our little chat.
CLEMENTINE: You know, when you first said that we should unsync, I wasn't so sure, but it was a great idea.
We don't need labels to define our relationship.
Which reminds me, I should define what we are online.
Me, too.
Okay.
Single.
Me, too.
Single.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING) Oh.
Mine must be broken.
Can we talk? TIM: Hey, guys.
- Listen, we were just thi - Oh! - Honey.
- What, did this house get smaller?! - Uh, we had to make room for the cat.
- (HISSES) - Gah! - Ow! - Oh, God.
- Oh, geez, honey, sorry.
You're standing in his litter box.
Oh, sorry.
Will you just cut it out, Tim? I'm HEATHER: Okay.
Before you guys make this permanent life-altering decision, could we talk about what it is that went wrong in your marriage? We just don't really have anything to talk about - unless we watch a TV show together.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and then we'd only have sex, like, five times a week.
Huh.
Only in the bed.
HEATHER: What you're talking about, that's marriage.
- Yeah.
It's-it's a really good one, actually.
- Yes.
See, I knew you guys wouldn't understand.
Relationships have evolved way beyond your generation's limited, conventional view of love.
- Is he too old to spank? - Honey Oh, you know, I have to go get ready or I'm gonna be late for my date.
(HEATHER STAMMERS) You have a date already? Yeah, that's why we're doing this.
Hey, do you want me to drop you off? Sure.
Thanks.
TYLER: See? Modern relationships don't have to be binary.
Let that wash over you.
All right, he's getting spanked.
I don't care how old he is.
Come here.
- No.
- HEATHER: Hit him.
Hit him.
Get don't you run away from me.
You're only making it worse! Are you sure we should be doing this? It's gonna be great.
Do you want me to walk you in? No.
That might be a little weird.
Yeah, he might be the jealous type.
And I am having a good hair day.
So, do we kiss or hug or? What if we just took a deep breath at the same time? I'm so gone (BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATHS) Anyone could see that I'm wasted - Okay.
- Okay.
Knock 'em dead.
(LAUGHS) And I just want to know what's in your head Let me in You know what? I think, maybe, maybe our idea of marriage is antiquated and relationships really are changing.
Yeah, I got to say, I know it it didn't look like it when I was spanking him, but I am so proud of the man Tyler's becoming.
Oh, yeah.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES) Hey, what's up? If all my defenses come down (CRYING): She's so much prettier than me.
HEATHER: This is just like when he was a baby, when we first brought him home from the hospital.
(CRYING) Oh.