Little Britain (UK) s03e01 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! A bloody lovely place to live.
Discovered In 1972, lost In 1974 then found again a few years later hiding under Belgium.
But what makes Britain so fandabbydozy? Why, it's the great British public.
Ah, push it, push it good, Ah, push it, push it real good, At Hill Grange Health Spa, ex-Olympic gymnast Bubbles Devere is off to have her breakfast.
Ah, morning, darling.
l'm just going for breakfast.
Please service my room.
Quickly.
Chop chop.
Hurry up.
Do it quickly.
Thank you, darling.
- Sticking to your diet, Mrs Devere? - Yes, l'm just having Special K this morning.
Hello, girls.
Hello, Vita darling.
Don't forget, l'm having a fondue facial at 12.
Hello, Mrs Papadopoulous.
How was your anal bleaching? l'll have a look later, darling.
l don't believe it! Hello, Bubbles.
l didn't know you were stayin' here.
l haven't seen you since the divorce.
Well, l thought it was better if we didn't communicate for a while.
Are you here withher? lf you mean Desiree, then yes.
Oh, goody.
So l'm finally going to meet the woman who destroyed our marri-age.
ls she as beautiful as they say? l think so.
Yes.
Darling Yes? Desiree, l don't believe you've met my ex-wife Bubbles.
Oh, hello, baby, so nice to meet you.
Don't forget, sugar, we have a honeymoon massage at ten.
Nice to see you again, Bubbles.
l wouldn't have that Munch Bunch yoghurt if l were you, darling.
Why's that, baby? You already look like a hippo, darling.
Oh, do l, baby? Yeah, baby.
Hippo like you belong in the zoo! Desiree, please.
Maybe Baby's right.
Maybe l shouldn't have this Munch Bunch raspberry yogurt after all.
- You little slut! - You fat bitch! Get your hands off me! - Please! Stop them! - Hey, let's not be too hasty.
in the words of the famous song, "This is the dawning of the age of the aquarium," - look, Andy, a cuttlefish.
- Yeah, l know.
''A cuttlefish lives in more tropical climes and feeds on plankton.
'' - Yeah, l know.
- Are you enjoying the aquarium, Andy? lt's borin'.
But l thought you loved sea life.
l thought you said the underwater world had a sublime beauty that mankind could scarcely comprehend.
Yeah, l know.
l thought we was going swimming, though.
- This is an aquarium.
You swim in a pool.
- Yeah, l know.
Well, then, let's see if l can find the octopuses.
Oh, excuse me, aquarium employee, could you tell me where the octopuses are? We have a few octopi.
Down the next corridor past the sea-horses.
- Oh, it's octopi, is it? - Yes.
- What did l say? - Octopuses.
Oh, silly me.
Always getting me ''puses'' and me ''pi'' mixed up.
Exactly.
We've got someeek.
lf you just go past there, over the next corridor, to the right.
- Any conger eels? - l'm afraid not.
At the Mike McShane Estate in Bruise, a long-awaited visitor has finally arrived.
Not long now, my sweet.
No.
Hello, Mr Dudwee.
No, no, you're not Ting Tong.
l am Ting Tong.
Ting Tong Macadangdang.
Wait there.
- Oh, so this home now? - No! l said wait at the door! look.
- You're not Ting Tong.
- l am Ting Tong.
That That is me, mm? Yeah.
Is good photo, l give you that, is good photo.
- l want my deposit back.
- Come and sit with Ting Tong.
let us know each other before we have good time.
So, l am Ting Tong.
l am from viwage tiny in Thaiwand.
l am 19.
l am beautician.
Here is a picture of my family.
Hopefully, they come live with us soon.
- l-l'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave.
- But l want be good wife of you.
look, l'm sure you're very pleasant and you've had a long journey - Much of it on foot.
-.
.
much of it on front, but l paid £80.
- l think somebody's sold me up the Swanee! - But l am love you! - l'm very flattered, but you'll have to leave.
- You think l'm uglsorty, don't you? No No one's saying you'rehideous.
There's been an administrational error.
You nip back to Thailand and we'll sort it out from there.
- Oh, please don't make me leave! - No, l said no! - Mr Dawdle.
- No, now, come on! Oh, please don't make me leave! Please, Mr Dudwee! Ple-e-e-ase! Maybe juststay tonight and we'llsee what happens.
After a productive morning sending bullying text messages to younger children, Vicky and her gang are returning to their estate, - Who the-Hollyoaks-Omnibus is that? - Chandelle Baker's gang.
- Who are sumlethefan? - They live down St Paul's.
No, but yeah, but no.
What are they doing on our patch or somethin' or nothin'? - Cos they are well gonna get beaten.
- Cool it, Vicky, they're well 'ard.
- They give the Redmond sisters a bog wash.
- They don't scare me.
Don't be fooled by the rocks l got.
l'm Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block.
V to the P to the 'icky to the 'ollard.
Oh, my God, this is well hectic.
Hey, you, what you doin' on our patch, you total bunch of minging dog bitches? We is well the best dancers! Mrs Emery is what we in Britain call an OAP, which stands for ''old and putrid''.
- Hello, Mrs Emery.
- Oh, hello, dear.
- l met you at the jumble sale the other day.
- Oh, yeah.
- l hear they raised a lot of money.
- Good.
They need that new roof.
- Did you meet the new vicar that day? - Umyes, yes.
He's very nice, isn't he? - The older vicar looked very nice.
lovely smile.
- Yes, he was nice.
- Pick up anything at the sale? - No, not really.
l got a lovely book on handicrafts and a very nice set of thimbles.
Ohlovely.
Well, l can't stand here chatting all day.
l'll see you later, dear.
Mind out, someone's spilled something.
To-do.
in Britain, we can proudly say we have transvestites from all walks of life, Between 1979 and 1990, even the British Prime Minister was a transvestite, Yoo-hoo! Sorry, l'm late.
l overslept.
Uml think you may have forgotten something, my dear.
- Oh, really? What's that? - Erwellre - Come with me, my dear.
- This is exciting.
- Regarded.
- Oh, do my earrings not go with my Oh, oh, Florence, help me! l'm a lady with a beard! Help me! - Calm down, dear! - l can't, l'm a bearded lady! - What happened? - l forgot to shave.
It grows so fast, doesn't it? - Here, take this.
- - Oh, what am l to do? - l don't know! There's a chemist over there.
They may have something for you.
Oh, please.
Yes, gents? My lady friend here needs to talk to you about something rather embarrassing.
- Yes, l have a very slight facial hair problem.
- Can l see? lt's not very noticeable, l know, but l know it's there and it's not very ladylike, is it? No.
Well, rethe razors are over there.
- l can't use a razor.
l'm a lady.
- Well, some ladies who come here with your - problem - Problem, yes.
.
.
they like to use this.
lt bleaches the hair.
l see.
And this is for ladies, is it? - Yes.
- Very well, l'll take 12 tubs.
Er, would you like to take a tub? l beg your pardon? You do have aslight moustache problem.
How dare you! You do.
Are you sure you can't see it? Honestly, my dear, you wouldn't know it was there.
in Buxom, Sir Norman Fry, MP, has called a press conference, .
.
comment about the situation.
Can we have a statement, please, sir? l, re l have a statement l would like to read.
''On Tuesday night, following a late meeting at party headquarters, ''l decided to go for a relaxing drive through the King's Cross area.
''Whilst there, l saw a young Rastafarian gentleman on the side of the road.
''As one of my constituents, l felt it my duty to stop and offer him a lift.
''During the journey, l pulled over into a nearby alleyway ''so that l could safely reach into the glove compartment and take outa Murray Mint.
''At this point, l fell on top of him ''and, l regret to say, a part of my body accidentally entered him.
'' As far as l'm concerned that is the end of the matter.
Thank you.
Carol Beer has left her job at the bank and is now delighting customers at this travel agent's in the new town of SpongeBob Square-Pants, That's all booked for you, Mr Ryan.
One fly-drive return to Toronto.
Thank you.
l'm so looking forward to it.
l haven't seen my daughter in four years.
No.
One thing l forgot to say, is it possible for me to have a vegetarian meal on the plane? - l'll just have to cancel your booking.
- Oh, don't do that.
Right, done that.
- So you want to fly to Toronto on the 14th? - Yes.
Computer says no.
- What? - You had the last ticket.
Someone's taken it.
l just need a flight to Toronto, but with a vegetarian meal.
l can get you a vegetarian meal on a flight to Berlin that will be leaving tonight.
The meal isn't that important.
- It's a lentil bake with a rocket salad.
- No, l don't want that.
l'll just put that on hold for you in case you change your mind.
l've got a nut rissole on a flight to Beijing.
- That leaves in ten minutes.
- No! l've got a piece of marinated tofu on a flight to Vancouver.
Vancouver? That could work.
lt's taxiing now.
If you run, you might just get it.
- Obviously not, then.
- No-o.
Can l get to Toronto the following day instead? Computer says no.
You didn't even type anything in then.
Computer says no.
Thank you very much.
- Hang on, hang on.
- Yes? Good-bye.
Over in the Welsh mining village of Landed Brief little fat poofer Dafydd Thomas has finally found a vocation in life.
- Evening, Dafydd.
- Yeah, l'm gay! Get with the programme! - There's your port, Mr Jenkins.
- Thank you, love.
- Evening, Dafydd.
- Good evening, Myfanwy.
- l think l'll have a Bacardi and coke, please.
- Coming right up.
That's a very skimpy little number you're wearing.
lt's for my new job.
- Oh, yes? - Yes, l've become a rent boy.
- A rent boy? - That's right, Myfanwy.
l've got the looks, l've got the body.
l'm a young gay guy.
Why shouldn't l go for it? - How's business? - Slow, but tonight is the first night.
Have you advertised? Yes, Mrs Jones has put a card up in the Post Office and the vicar has kindly said he'll give me a mention in the Parish News.
Well, Dafydd, if it gets you some bum fun, l'm all for it.
l doubt l'll pick up any trade.
Everybody knows l am the only gay in the village.
'Scuse me.
Are you Scott? Ohumyes.
- l'll leave you boys to it.
- No, don't go, l lt said in the advert you look like Dermot O'Leary.
That's right, yes, in his younger days.
Hm, you're not quite what l expected, but l've had an 'ard day.
So, have you got somewhere we can go? Yes, l thought we'd go to Mrs Evans' tea-rooms and have a scone.
- Then wander round some charity shops - That's not quite what l had in mind, Scott.
- Who's Scott? - You are.
- Oh, yes.
- How much for a good hard shag? Myfanwy! l'm serving Mr Jenkins.
look, l only hold hands on a first date.
Oh, bloody time-waster! You'd better get me another Bacardi and coke.
Dafydd Thomas, what are you like? Rent boy, indeed.
Yes, l'd better go and see Mrs Jones and ask her to take that advert down.
Yes, first thing tomorrow.
Scott? Just over there.
in Gash, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Bigger how one of his patients is progressing, Oh, goodness, it's nearly time.
This is going to prove just how far Anne's come in the past six months.
it'll be wonderful for her self-confidence.
it'll also tell everybody a lot about the hospital too.
.
.
But now, i't's been her dream to be on this show for many years, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Anne! Eurovision Hi, Anne.
Thanks for coming on the show.
- lovely cardigan.
- Thank you.
Now, do you have any funny stories that have happened to you over the years? - No.
- OK.
Tell me a bit about the person you're going to be.
Give us your clues.
She's originally from Quebec.
She represented Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest.
She sung the theme tune to Titanic and she's got an old, fat husband with a beard.
OKso tell us, Anne who are you going to be tonight? Tonight, Matthew, l'm going to be Celine Dion.
- Celine Dion! - Good luck.
Enjoy it.
Off you go.
She helps out every other Wednesday at a charity shop in Horley, but tonight, singing live, Anne is Celine Dion! (Stars In Their Eyes theme) (My Heart Will Go On intro) Sounds quite a lot like her, doesn't she? Formerly Dudley Polytechnic, this university was opened by Sir Darren Day in 1994, Yeah, but l was just wondering if l can do my extended essay on modes of sexual discourse in Jane Austin.
- l know we did study that last term.
- l don't know what the rules are on this.
- Martin's know.
- It's OK, l can go to his office.
- No, it's better if l phone him.
- oh, OK.
Martin, it's Linda.
l've got Robin Dashwood in front of me.
Wants to know if he can write his extended essay on Jane Austin.
Robin.
You know Robin.
Lots of Jazzy waistcoats, colourful glasses.
Always smiling.
Puts you in mind of a young Elmer Fudd.
Fell out of the same tree as Duncan Goodhew.
Could be mistaken for a boiled egg.
That's right.
Baldy! - He says that's fine.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, could you come here for a second, Robin? That's better.
These people are what we in Britain fondly call "'fat pigs".
in Sessex, Marjorie Dawes is hosting her weekly Fat Fighters group meeting.
Hello, Fat Fighters, hope you've had a good week.
Now, today we're going to be talking about binge eating.
Yes, l know, the spray tan went wrong.
So, what kind of foods are binge foods? Foods that we binge on when we wanna have a binge.
Yes, Paul? Er, Terry's Chocolate Orange? Comes in a big orange wrapper and it's got chocolate and you tap it Yes, thank you, l know what it is, yes.
Right.
Chocolate.
l did ask for St Tropez, but they gave me Hawaiian Sunset.
Anyone else? For me, it's fizzy drinks.
What, like Tango? Fizzy drinks.
Any more? Yes, Meera? Marmalade.
Sorry, l couldn't understand the word.
She said marmalade.
Did she? Conserves.
Any more? Any more serious suggestions? - Satsumas.
- Satsuma isn't really a binge food.
No, but it is orange! Have you quite finished? l'm shocked that you of all people would pick on someone for the way they look.
l mean, l may be orange, but you are something' else! You is fat! Oh, man, you is fat! You one big fat thing! You fatty, fatty, fatty! New member? Take a seat, my love.
l won't be one moment.
Where was l? Oh, yes.
Fat cow, fat cow, fat cow! Prime Minister! Prime Minister! If you collect enough tonens on the back of special packets of Coco Pops, you too can send off and become Prime Minister (Scottish accent) It would be very damaging if this government were selling arms to Iran.
- That's not what l was doing.
- Where did the Sunday Times get the story? Excuse me, Prime Minister.
look, dear, he said he didn't do it so he didn't do it! Honestly! You don't want a back bench rebellion.
There's talk of a leadership challenge.
Such a stirrer! Sebastian, thank you.
- Robert, you have my word on this.
- Very well.
l shall see you at Prime Minister's Questions.
Sebastian, would you show the Chancellor out, please? - Just cos you wanna be Prime Minister.
- l do not! You do! She does! Sebastian, would you lock the door? Come over here, please.
l have something rather private that l need to show you.
- Yes? - Somethingquite sensitive.
lt could be potentially very explosive.
Oh, Prime Minister, l want it so bad! lt's this file.
Oh, yes, this file, yes! l want this file so bad, yes.
What is it? An intelligence file l need you to destroy for me.
Oh, OK.
''Arms deal with Iran.
'' You told the Chancellor there were no arms deal.
- Yes.
- You lied.
Yes.
But l thought you were perfect.
l need you to shred this.
- But if this got out - Sebastian, please.
Just do this favour for me.
Of course, Prime Minister.
But first, Prime Minister how about you do a favour for me? Don't forget the bottom shelf.
Air shows in Britain have been taking place since medieval times although they only really became popular with the invention of the aeroplane, Andy, where are you? Andy? Andy? Oh, excuse me, St John's Ambulance lady, sorry to bother you.
l'm looking for my friend.
That's his wheelchair.
l can't think what's happened to him.
l can get them to put out a call on the tannoy.
- Well, l don't want to cause a whole kerfuffle.
- Oh, no, no, it's no trouble.
Well, if you wouldn't mind.
l'm a bit worried.
l don't want him to miss the Red Arrows.
- Wait here and l'll get them to put out a call.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.
Oh, Andy, where are you? Right here.
Ohthere you are.
l was worried sthick.
ls that your parachute or So we say farewell, Little Britain, i myself must bounce now, as I did promise my homaes that we would chill for a bit, have a glass or two of pimp juice and, God willing, get ourselves some sweet booty, Bye-bye! by somix 2007