Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e01 Episode Script

1
[MATRIMONIAL MUSIC]
I do.
You may now kiss
- the
- Corn!
Corn? Oh, give me one with the works!
Right, and when you pour the powder,
sprinkle this with, like, a fine mist.
- Dad!
- All right. Yes, yes.
You may now kiss the bride.
[APPLAUSE]
Time to release the doves!
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING]
- Hey, hey. Hey.
Rejoice!
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you for the best wedding
that I could ever dream of, Dad.
Have I ever let you down, Mayan?
Not that I can think of.
And now the biggest
band in rock and roll,
Mini Kiss!
Here comes the bride ♪
All dressed in white ♪
♪
Her dad's got corn,
it's a perfect night ♪
♪
Kiss ♪
Kiss the bride ♪
Kiss, kiss the bride! ♪
And that's how I'm gonna
throw a banger backyard
wedding the Lopez way!
Dad, those ideas are very
specific and unique, but
They don't want your
cheap ideas, George.
Mini Kiss is not cheap.
They're mini, but they
want full-size money.
I am planning a traditional,
religious wedding
with a priest, a choir,
and drones that light up the sky
in the shape of the Virgin Mary.
Rosie, those ideas are really
specific and unique, but
They don't want your tacky ideas, Rosie!
It's nice that you want to pay for
and you want to help plan the wedding,
but Quinten and I have our own vision,
and we're gonna take care of everything.
So
you two think that you can
get married better than us?
You're divorced, so yes.
I can't believe
that you are making the most
important day of your life
about you.
Do you two have any idea how much corn
I've already bought?
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS] I'm so glad
you put your foot down.
I had to.
My parents take over everything.
wedding. vision.
Exactly.
Do we have a vision?
No, we do not.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Chance, your babysitter
will be here soon.
Daddy and I are gonna
go to the wedding expo
to get some ideas.
Why?
So your mommy and I can pretend
we had a vision all along.
Why?
So Grandma and Grandpa don't
try to take over our wedding.
Why?
One more "why" and I
pick you up from school
wearing rollerblades and all my gear.
How come?
You don't have any
ideas for your wedding?
Hey, we just got engaged.
Stop pressuring me, man.
We do actually have one
idea for the wedding, Gordo.
Come here.
I want you to be the best man.
In the world?
We'll start with the wedding.
It's a very important job,
and I know you're not gonna let me down.
Your babysitter is here.
If you give me money for pizza,
I cannot guarantee that
is what I will spend it on.
It's fine. Oscar watched
me when I was a kid.
And I only had to get stitches once.
Twice.
I can't believe Mom and Dad
want me to be the best man.
I thought I was gonna get
one of those no-pressure jobs.
Like ring bearer or priest.
Don't worry.
I can teach you everything
you need to know.
If you want to be the
best man, you need to be
the best man.
You just said the same thing twice.
I did.
I did.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I'm so relieved that we
like all the same things.
Our vision's really coming together.
Yeah, we found a cake, invitations,
and a DJ with a money-back
guarantee that he will
get this party started!
[IMITATING HORN] Bow, bow, bow, bow!
Right?
I don't know how we're
gonna afford it, though,
because we are buh-buh-buh-broke!
Maybe we should think about
taking some of your parents' money.
Well, if we take their money,
we'll be stuck with their ideas.
I don't think anyone else
is gonna write us a big check, Mayan.
- [LOUD METALLIC CLATTERING]
- Whoa!
Jeez.
Hey, there's a competition.
"Fiancé Feud."
The couple who knows each other
best wins a $25,000 wedding.
We know each other.
We just picked out all the same things.
- And we've been together for nine years.
- And we've been together nine years.
[LOUD METALLIC CLATTERING]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
You have gotten the groom ready.
But what does the best man do
if the groom gets cold feet?
Give him socks?
Yes.
Where's Quinten?
I'm bored. I want to
make fun of someone.
As best man, my job is
to protect the groom.
I am not at liberty to say.
Where's Mayan? I'm bored.
I want to criticize someone.
What are my obligations to the bride?
Nothing.
She's at the wedding expo to get ideas.
I thought they already had a vision.
Oh, they don't.
They're gonna pretend that
they had one all along.
How dare they lie to me?
All right, come on, Chance.
Let's get back to best man training.
You got to plan a
bachelor party for nerds.
Oscar, I already found a
Dungeons & Dragons escape room
my boy Q's gonna love.
I should have known they
didn't have any ideas.
Now they're going to this
expo so a bunch of strangers
could tell them what their
wedding should look like
when I should be the one
telling them what their
wedding should look like.
And I'm the father of the bride.
I'm supposed to pay for the wedding.
They're trying to keep
me in my deadbeat dad era!
When clearly I'm Champagne Papi now!
We need to go to this
convention and stop them
before they commit
to some terrible ideas
by a bunch of idiots.
You're right.
The kind of idiots
that will want to throw
dove doves in the air
instead of chicken doves.
♪
[ENERGETIC UPBEAT MUSIC]
If you're just now joining us,
I'm Todd Cheeks of "Todd
and Barb in the Morning."
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Thank you, thank you.
Where's Barb?
Barb isn't here, so please stop asking!
We're playing "Fiancé Feud,"
and our next question is for the grooms.
All right, who was your
bride's first celebrity crush?
And if she says me,
not my fault. Blame my mama.
All right, Nick.
Zac Efron.
Oh, okay.
Becky, was he right?
The Jonas Brothers.
Ooh.
All three? Hmm, somebody's a freak.
All right.
Well, that wasn't a match.
Nick, do better.
Okay.
Quinten, who was Mayan's
first celebrity crush?
SpongeBob.
Ah.
He's right, Todd.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
And then,
I found my real-life SpongeBob.
[SPONGEBOB LAUGH]
- [MAYAN LAUGHS]
- Ah.
Well, there's nothing
that I can say to that.
All right.
Quinten and Mayan, you
scored another point,
which gets you one step
closer to a $25,000 wedding.
[IMITATING HORN] Bow, bow, bow, bow!
Please don't do that!
[SCATTERED CHUCKLES]
Did you hear that?
They're trying to win money
to cut us out entirely.
What kind of selfish people
want to pay for their own wedding?
Or worse, plan it?
TOGETHER: We need to make sure
someone else wins that prize money.
But who?
It would have to be two people
that are totally in sync.
Where are we gonna find
two people like that?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Part of a best man's job
is to prevent family from
stealing the centerpieces,
so I stole this orchid
from our neighbor's porch
so we could practice.
Now, I'll pretend to
be with loose morals
and an affinity for flowers.
Ready?
Go.
What do you think you're doing, tío?
[EXAGGERATED ACCENT] Nothing.
I saw you take that centerpiece.
Put it back.
Nah, I I brought this from home.
They're for my girl.
She got all mad at me because
she thought I was
talking to someone else,
but I was just talking to Siri.
You don't need that.
You can get something for your
girl from our gifting suite.
Okay.
Pick out anything you like.
Hey, great job, Chance.
Now now let me out,
buddy. [DOOR THUMPING]
Sorry, tío.
Fools that snatch the
centerpiece get locked up.
All right, everybody, it's
time for the dollar dance!
[UPBEAT FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Well, Becky and Nick,
the only thing you have in common
is that you both are losers.
[LAUGHS]
And surprisingly,
Mayan and SpongeBob are
moving on to the next round.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
It's time to meet our
next newly-engaged couple.
Ladies and gentlemen, give
it up for George and Rosie.
[ENERGETIC UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
What are you guys doing here?
Winning this contest so you
two can't get married without us.
You got no shot. Rosie and
I are like two peas in a pool.
Coming in hot, George and Rosie.
Brides, if your partner
could have any superpower,
what would it be?
[UPBEAT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Rosie?
Making me disappear.
Hmm.
George?
Making Rosie disappear!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [TODD LAUGHS]
Mayan, what would
Quinten's superpower be?
[SCOFFS]
That's easy, Todd.
Super strength.
Quinten?
Lactose tolerance.
Cheese without consequence.
- That's the dream.
- Huh.
That's the dream?
- That's the dream?
- Yeah. You know?
Oh.
All right, brides, this
question is still with you.
What will your last name
be once you're married?
♪
George, what will Rosie's last name be?
[GEORGE CHUCKLES]
- Lopez.
- Oh.
Rosie?
Lopez.
- Ah!
- I love you, Mrs. Lopez.
I love you, Mr. Lopez.
[BOTH SMOOCHING]
Oh, they're getting away.
They're getting away.
All right.
Quinten, what would your
future wife's last name be?
Van Bryan.
What?
- No, Lopez.
- [AUDIENCE MURMURING]
Ooh, now that is a devastating blow
to the male ego.
You got that right, Todd.
[LAUGHS]
Why did you say Lopez?
I said Lopez because that's my name.
I thought since we were getting married,
you would take my last name.
[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]
You mean you thought I'd
just give up my identity?
Well, you can keep Mayan.
Awkward.
Okay, this next question
is for the grooms.
What is the one thing about you
that annoys your partner the most?
♪
George.
- Breathing!
- Oh, okay.
Rosie?
Breathing! [LAUGHS]
Ah.
Okay, Quinten, what annoys Mayan the most?
Oh. Evidently, my name.
Oh, that is a loaded
baked potato right there.
Okay, Mayan.
Oh, I can't believe
after all these years
of open and honest communication,
you don't understand me
and you're blindsiding
me at the wedding expo!
[SIGHS]
- Not a match.
- No. Okay.
I want to expand on my answer.
This is not the game.
Well damn, you write fast.
Okay.
If anyone is being blindsided, it's me.
You are the Sandra
Bullock in this situation.
All right.
Looks like George and Rosie
are breaking Mayan and
Quinten's winning streak.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[UPBEAT ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH SINGING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
♪
Hey, hey!
[BOTH SINGING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I just don't understand why you
hate the idea of taking my last name.
I don't understand why you suddenly
think I would take your last name.
Okay, so you have your last name,
and I have my last name,
and neither of our names
are on a giant check.
BOTH: Wedding, wedding, wedding ♪
Just the way we want it ♪
'Cause we won the money ♪
Listen to your parents ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Is this thing on? Check, check.
You guys are being so selfish.
And now we're in a
fight because of you two.
What, the last name thing?
You can't blame that on us.
That's that feminist
here, like Gloria Seinfeld.
Yeah, you guys are the selfish ones,
excluding your parents
from your wedding.
It's called
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
[GLASS TAPPING]
Everybody sit down.
It's time for me to
practice my best man toast.
What's in that glass?
Relax. It's just apple juice.
Nana, you're gonna want these.
Where is Oscar?
Don't worry about it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It was nine years ago
when I met Quinten.
Who would have thunk we'd be here?
He's my daddy, but he's
also my best friend,
and he's marrying my other
best friend, my mommy.
Three peas in a pool.
I thought I was your best friend.
I'm his best friend.
[BARKS]
I have a lot of best friends.
I'm adorable. So sue me.
I'm so happy we're all going
to officially be a family.
And that you guys waited
until after I was born
to get married so I could
be here to see it happen.
[ROSIE SOBS]
So let's raise a glass
to Quinten and Mayan.
Wait, what's gonna be our last name?
I don't know.
Do you do you not
want to take my last name
because you don't want to marry me?
No.
Of course I want to marry you.
It's just what we have works so well,
and I don't want anything to change.
But things are supposed to change.
Taking my name is what's
gonna differentiate
the last nine years from the next 50.
You still imagine us
together in 50 years?
At least.
[ROSIE SOBS]
Getting married means we're a team.
And it would be awesome
if everyone on the
team had the same name.
It doesn't even have to be my name.
- Well, then how about Lopez?
- It doesn't even have to be your name.
I would just love for it to
be clear to the entire world
that you, me, and Chance are a family.
Like my best man said, that's
what marriage is all about.
You're right.
We've all been focusing
on the wrong things.
This wedding should be an opportunity
for us to come together as a family.
That's what I want too.
I've been dreaming of
your wedding forever.
I wanted to be a part of it
instead of just being a guest.
I just wanted to be a guest.
I mean, there were all those years
that we didn't talk, Mayan.
I wasn't sure if I'd ever see you again,
much less
be invited to your wedding.
I thought if I paid,
I guaranteed my spot.
[ROSIE SOBS]
We're sorry we made you
guys feel so left out.
It's happening.
Would you do us the honor of
paying and helping plan our wedding?
- Yes, yes!
- A thousand times, yes.
[LAUGHTER]
So what's our last name gonna be?
Van Bryan or Lopez?
How about Van Lopez?
I like that.
This might be the apple juice talking,
but I like it too.
Cheers to Quinten and Mayan Van Lopez.
I'm really rooting
for you two crazy kids.
That was a great job, Gordo.
You are going to be the best best man.
[MUFFLED] I knew you could do it, buddy.
Oscar?
Chance locked me in the bathroom.
But don't worry, it's only
been for the last five hours.
What? Oh, my.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Turns out the bank
wouldn't cash this check.
The fine print says
it's not a cash prize,
but is a $25,000 wedding package.
Yeah. And this is what they sent us.
Well, if it's not money,
at least we can still use
plates, napkins, and centerpieces.
No, we can't.
These all have names on them.
Well, I guess we're
changing our first names too.
I love you, Rosie.
- I love you, George.
- [BOTH SMOOCHING]
- Oh, they're getting away.
- They're getting away.
- [INDISTINCT]
- I love you, Mr. Lopez.
It was funnier when we did it.
Everything's funnier when we do it.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]