Louie s03e01 Episode Script
Something is Wrong
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie you're gonna die Louie, Louie, Louie Louie One time I was jerking off-- This is another-- this is another aging thing.
I was jerking off and I looked at my penis and it was blurry because my eyes are going.
So I can't-- Because you're suppose to get reading glasses when you-- when this becomes blurry and that's exactly That's the precise fixed length.
And so it's blurry now, so I gotta go get reading glasses and I gotta-- like this.
Hmm So I had to go to the drug store and buy reading glasses and I felt weird, like, "She knows I'm jerking off with these.
" Like, she's just looking at me like, "You ain't reading shit, you dirty old" Anyway, so I got reading glasses and I looked at it and it was still blurry.
So I don't think it's my eyes.
I think my dick is getting blurry.
I think I've actually But here's the good news-- I am getting older but I also have more money than I used to have so I'm gonna get a new-- I'm gonna upgrade my dick.
I'm gonna get a new dick.
I'm amazed that I haven't heard about that.
Like, that rich old guys-- Why aren't they getting new dicks? 'Cause with the amount of money poured into people's tits and their faces, how are old, rich, asshole guys-- "I'm getting a new one!" On the golf course, "Getting my new dick on Wednesday.
" And it just-- and I don't mean like a synthetic kind of transvestite kind of pink pea pod Frankenstein grafted-off-your-leg dick.
I mean some dead kid's dick on your body.
Like a new ( chuckling ) "Happy ending to a sad story" on your body.
'Cause that's-- I wanna get on that list now.
The next time some Puerto Rican track star gets hit by a bus, I get his dick right here, his beautiful, shiny, brown dick on my body, next to-- 'Cause I'm keeping the old one.
I'm gonna have I'm gonna have both for awhile.
Like when they had-- they were building the new Yankee Stadium and the old one was still there, that's gonna be what this is like.
I can't "Parking of vehicles only authorized.
" I mean Park-- Okay, "Parking permitted anytime after midnight.
" Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Is it after midnight right now or is it before? It's before midnight right now.
I gotta go, I gotta Hi.
Hey, hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, nightmare.
Yeah? Yeah, total nightmare.
Just everybody screaming at each other and nobody listening to me.
The meeting goes on for two hours-- nothing gets done.
God, and that cooz Lisa started her shit with me again.
Shit, really? Yeah.
Oh, God! She was just stupid.
I'd like her but she's faking it to make me sweat.
You should just quit that job.
What kind of a thing is that to say to me? Sorry.
Say that to me, I should quit my job.
You should quit your job.
I like my job.
Anyway, I'm having lunch with George tomorrow and even though I hate to use my connection with him for Thank you.
Did you already eat? Is this dessert? No, no Never mind.
Let's not have the food talk.
So you have the kids this weekend? No, they're with Janet.
Shows? Just a couple at the Cellar.
All right, well, let's get together during the day.
Sure.
Okay, what is up? Nothing.
You look weird.
We'll hang out-- we'll hang out during the day.
That's fine.
Okay, Louie, if you're gonna sit there and pretend like nothing's wrong, you're gonna drive me crazy.
Look, you're doing your mouthy face.
You're trying not to say something.
I'm not-- you know what, I'm-- I'm just tired.
No, you're not acting tired.
You're acting sort of tense and Oh, God, why-- why does it have to be like this? What is this, a game of relationship charades? What is on your mind? Y'know, nothing, there's nothing Okay, well, I know it's about me, I know that.
Why do you think you know that? Because you have zero problem telling me anything that's wrong with you, except when it's about me right? And then I've gotta drag it out of you.
Something is wrong, right? Right.
Mouth.
Okay, let's see, um you are depressed.
You feel like I'm pushing too hard.
You are scared of going to my mom's house for Thanksgiving.
You just wanna break up with me and Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me? No, that's-- no, that's craz-- Oh, my God, Louie you're breaking up with me.
You can't break up with me.
You can't break up with me.
I'm not.
But why-- what? You can't break up with me because Well, I'm not anything to you.
We're not anything, we're nothing, y'know? We've been nothing for six months.
I haven't even met your kids.
Yeah, but that's-- I'm just trying to be really careful with them, because-- Please, we're not talking about that.
Louie Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay, let's just-- we're gonna Oh, my Oh, my God! Okay, all right, just do it.
Just-- let's just-- let's just say it.
What? Just break up with me, okay? Just-- April-- Just say it so that we can be done with it.
Okay, I like you, you're a good guy.
I have no regrets, but you could only do y'know, this much and now you can't do it anymore so you should just say the words and we'll move on.
Please don't eat that ice cream right now.
( sighing ) Okay, here we go, let's hear it.
April, I'm not breaking up with you; I'm just tired.
Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna make me do it, aren't you? This is amazing.
You're gonna make me break up with myself.
That's not what-- I-- I-- I'm gonna make it really easy for you, okay? This is how it's gonna work.
I am gonna say to you, "We should not be together anymore," and then after I say that, you just sit here.
You don't say anything But I'm not-- for, like, 17 seconds, okay? Just sit in silence and then we'll be done with it.
I'm not-- Here we go.
We shouldn't be together anymore.
Okay, good job, we're done.
I They made very nice tender whole chicken for you.
Thank you.
You're a doll.
Here, why don't you eat this chicken when you're done with your ice cream.
( bells jingling ) ( exhaling ) ( drill rattling ) Hey! ( man ) Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, that's That's my car.
Okay.
Well, I gotta get it out of there.
Well, we're working.
But I didn't-- it didn't say you-- You didn't say you guys were gonna be doing all of that.
Well, you shouldn't have parked there.
What What the hell are you guys doing, anyway? I don't know.
Can you ( horn honking in distance ) ( beeping ) Hi.
Hi.
You looking to buy a bike? Oh, no, no.
No? Just, uh Are-- are these, uh These are really nice, huh? Oh, yeah, these are pretty sweet.
Do you ride a bike in the city? Sure.
It's dangerous or Yeah.
I've laid a few down.
I got, y'know, I got some of that.
Whoa.
I've got some of that.
You gotta go down with these kind of-- Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, I can't be doing none of that.
Oh, wow, more? Yeah, oh, yeah.
That's nasty.
It gets better, man, here.
Really? Busted-up knees.
Oh.
- Chicken skins-- you gotta have these in the wintertime.
- Okay, yeah.
I got fluid in my knees.
Oh, yeah.
I'm still walking, though.
Yeah, well-- I got a permanent limp but I'm walking.
Well, I can't be doing none of that.
That's crazy.
I got kids, so that's not All right, man.
What-- But, uh Um, how-- how much is that bike? This one's 75.
Yeah.
That's it? That's it.
Wow.
You get 45 miles to the gallon.
Really? You can park it anywhere.
So it's actually smart to buy a motorcycle.
( singing in foreign language ) ( engines revving ) ( engines revving ) ( tires screeching ) ( woman crying ) ( woman ) Why won't somebody help me?! Why?! I'm in pain here! Won't somebody help me?! Let's take a look here! I need help! ( crying ) Y'know, there's nothing dumber than riding a motorcycle.
It's just stupid.
We get motorcycle fatalities in here all the time and, I gotta tell ya, I feel sorry for none of them.
The guy in here a week ago-- four pieces.
His legs both cut off, the torso, and his helmet in a bag with just his head in it.
Cut off at the neck.
You know what his mom said to me? "Is he gonna be all right?" Why won't somebody help me? Why, God?! Oh, shit.
Listen, I need a-- I need to get to a phone.
Can I get up and get to a phone? No, I can't let you up.
But I gotta call my ex-wife, I gotta tell her I can't pick up the kids.
Nobody knows I'm here.
Here.
Use mine.
Thank you.
Doctor, the CAT scan's ready if you wanna take a look.
Okay.
Hello, hello.
( woman ) Hello.
Hey.
Hey, Janet, it's Louie.
I'm calling from a-- not-- not my phone.
Hey.
You're picking up the girls, right? No, I can't.
What? Louie, no, you can't do that to me right now.
You don't-- no, I, seriously, I can't come.
Louie, I am always happy to cover for you but this is unfair, okay? It's too short notice.
You come and you get them.
I cannot because I'm in a hospital with my head strapped to a thing.
Louie, what happened? I got in an accident.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
How bad are you? I'm waiting for the doctor to come back.
I think I might be okay.
What happened? Well, it was a It was a motorcycle accident.
Motorcycle? Yeah.
I bought a motorcycle and then I got in an accident on it.
Okay, so you-- you can't come pick up the kids? Nope.
Okay.
Well, good luck with that.
He bought a motorcycle.
He got in an accident.
Prick.
Ass-necked idiot.
What the hell he's doing on a motorcycle?! ( woman ) Why won't somebody help me?! Well, you're fine.
Goddamn lucky.
Really? Yeah.
Nothing broken.
Nothing broken? Yeah.
Do I have any internal-- Ow! ( groaning ) This-- it hurts a lot.
Yeah, well, film is good, your CAT is good, you're gonna be in a little pain but you don't need us.
( woman ) Ow! Ow, ow, all right! What about Obama? ( horn honking ) ( knocking ) I'm coming.
Shit.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I've been trying to call you since yesterday.
Yeah, my phone's broken.
Listen, I'm sorry to just come over but I left my laptop here.
Oh, man, okay.
Can I get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.
Plus clothes that I have here.
Okay.
Jeez, are you okay? I, uh, had an accident.
What do you mean? Well, I got hit by a truck.
Jesus! I was in the hospital.
Oh, my God, Louie! Well, come sit down.
Is no one taking care of you? Well, I didn't break anything, so Who cares? You were in the hospital.
You got hit by a truck.
Yeah.
Oh, my God! It's my leg, really hurts.
You need some help here.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Wow.
You feeling better? Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
Okay, well If you need anything, you can call me.
I'm gonna go.
Well Um Stay? Stay? Yeah, do you wanna stay? Stay.
How are you saying "stay"? I mean, how do you mean that? Just that maybe you-- maybe you should.
Do you mean that you need more help from me right now? No, I just What do you mean by, "Do I wanna stay?" I, uh well, I I'm just saying that maybe you should stay here and we can go see your mom on Thanksgiving-- Look, Louie.
You're hurt, so I helped you, but as far as I'm concerned, we're still broken up.
Well, maybe maybe we should get back together and try and-- All right, let's Because here's what I think is going on-- It's kind of weird for you that I'm here, helping you and feeding you and then I'm just gonna leave, and you're feeling bad and guilty because I'm being nice so now you're just saying this.
Is that I'm just saying let's go to your mom's.
Louie, if we go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving with my whole family and sleep together in my childhood bedroom, that's it.
We're a couple.
You get that, right? Do you realize that you might be wasting four years of both of our lives because you can't just say, "Bye, see ya," right now, because in this second that feels weird? Oh, my God, Louie, please, I'm begging you, for the sake of future me and future you.
You could save yourself another divorce and years of false living.
You could just be a man in this one moment and say to me, "April, thank you for helping me.
" Y'know, "Have a good one.
See ya sometime.
" Ugh! Bye! ( door slamming ) ( sighing ) Are we after midnight or before midnight right now-- Before-- it's before midnight.
It's before midnight.
But it's also after midnight.
It's always before midnight and it's always after midnight.
***.
It's 24 hours.
Parking of vehicles only authorized or you can't park it? A dog or a carrot? Or is it like "Parking the vehicles only authorised".
Vehicles And then this is a green thing But you can't tell And it'sthe line is straight across, it's not even.
.
It's not-- It doesn't--it doesn't indicate - that you can't do something.
- At least it's not red.
Even if it was red, I wouldn't know what the fuck it means.
I was jerking off and I looked at my penis and it was blurry because my eyes are going.
So I can't-- Because you're suppose to get reading glasses when you-- when this becomes blurry and that's exactly That's the precise fixed length.
And so it's blurry now, so I gotta go get reading glasses and I gotta-- like this.
Hmm So I had to go to the drug store and buy reading glasses and I felt weird, like, "She knows I'm jerking off with these.
" Like, she's just looking at me like, "You ain't reading shit, you dirty old" Anyway, so I got reading glasses and I looked at it and it was still blurry.
So I don't think it's my eyes.
I think my dick is getting blurry.
I think I've actually But here's the good news-- I am getting older but I also have more money than I used to have so I'm gonna get a new-- I'm gonna upgrade my dick.
I'm gonna get a new dick.
I'm amazed that I haven't heard about that.
Like, that rich old guys-- Why aren't they getting new dicks? 'Cause with the amount of money poured into people's tits and their faces, how are old, rich, asshole guys-- "I'm getting a new one!" On the golf course, "Getting my new dick on Wednesday.
" And it just-- and I don't mean like a synthetic kind of transvestite kind of pink pea pod Frankenstein grafted-off-your-leg dick.
I mean some dead kid's dick on your body.
Like a new ( chuckling ) "Happy ending to a sad story" on your body.
'Cause that's-- I wanna get on that list now.
The next time some Puerto Rican track star gets hit by a bus, I get his dick right here, his beautiful, shiny, brown dick on my body, next to-- 'Cause I'm keeping the old one.
I'm gonna have I'm gonna have both for awhile.
Like when they had-- they were building the new Yankee Stadium and the old one was still there, that's gonna be what this is like.
I can't "Parking of vehicles only authorized.
" I mean Park-- Okay, "Parking permitted anytime after midnight.
" Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Is it after midnight right now or is it before? It's before midnight right now.
I gotta go, I gotta Hi.
Hey, hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, nightmare.
Yeah? Yeah, total nightmare.
Just everybody screaming at each other and nobody listening to me.
The meeting goes on for two hours-- nothing gets done.
God, and that cooz Lisa started her shit with me again.
Shit, really? Yeah.
Oh, God! She was just stupid.
I'd like her but she's faking it to make me sweat.
You should just quit that job.
What kind of a thing is that to say to me? Sorry.
Say that to me, I should quit my job.
You should quit your job.
I like my job.
Anyway, I'm having lunch with George tomorrow and even though I hate to use my connection with him for Thank you.
Did you already eat? Is this dessert? No, no Never mind.
Let's not have the food talk.
So you have the kids this weekend? No, they're with Janet.
Shows? Just a couple at the Cellar.
All right, well, let's get together during the day.
Sure.
Okay, what is up? Nothing.
You look weird.
We'll hang out-- we'll hang out during the day.
That's fine.
Okay, Louie, if you're gonna sit there and pretend like nothing's wrong, you're gonna drive me crazy.
Look, you're doing your mouthy face.
You're trying not to say something.
I'm not-- you know what, I'm-- I'm just tired.
No, you're not acting tired.
You're acting sort of tense and Oh, God, why-- why does it have to be like this? What is this, a game of relationship charades? What is on your mind? Y'know, nothing, there's nothing Okay, well, I know it's about me, I know that.
Why do you think you know that? Because you have zero problem telling me anything that's wrong with you, except when it's about me right? And then I've gotta drag it out of you.
Something is wrong, right? Right.
Mouth.
Okay, let's see, um you are depressed.
You feel like I'm pushing too hard.
You are scared of going to my mom's house for Thanksgiving.
You just wanna break up with me and Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me? No, that's-- no, that's craz-- Oh, my God, Louie you're breaking up with me.
You can't break up with me.
You can't break up with me.
I'm not.
But why-- what? You can't break up with me because Well, I'm not anything to you.
We're not anything, we're nothing, y'know? We've been nothing for six months.
I haven't even met your kids.
Yeah, but that's-- I'm just trying to be really careful with them, because-- Please, we're not talking about that.
Louie Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay, let's just-- we're gonna Oh, my Oh, my God! Okay, all right, just do it.
Just-- let's just-- let's just say it.
What? Just break up with me, okay? Just-- April-- Just say it so that we can be done with it.
Okay, I like you, you're a good guy.
I have no regrets, but you could only do y'know, this much and now you can't do it anymore so you should just say the words and we'll move on.
Please don't eat that ice cream right now.
( sighing ) Okay, here we go, let's hear it.
April, I'm not breaking up with you; I'm just tired.
Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna make me do it, aren't you? This is amazing.
You're gonna make me break up with myself.
That's not what-- I-- I-- I'm gonna make it really easy for you, okay? This is how it's gonna work.
I am gonna say to you, "We should not be together anymore," and then after I say that, you just sit here.
You don't say anything But I'm not-- for, like, 17 seconds, okay? Just sit in silence and then we'll be done with it.
I'm not-- Here we go.
We shouldn't be together anymore.
Okay, good job, we're done.
I They made very nice tender whole chicken for you.
Thank you.
You're a doll.
Here, why don't you eat this chicken when you're done with your ice cream.
( bells jingling ) ( exhaling ) ( drill rattling ) Hey! ( man ) Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, that's That's my car.
Okay.
Well, I gotta get it out of there.
Well, we're working.
But I didn't-- it didn't say you-- You didn't say you guys were gonna be doing all of that.
Well, you shouldn't have parked there.
What What the hell are you guys doing, anyway? I don't know.
Can you ( horn honking in distance ) ( beeping ) Hi.
Hi.
You looking to buy a bike? Oh, no, no.
No? Just, uh Are-- are these, uh These are really nice, huh? Oh, yeah, these are pretty sweet.
Do you ride a bike in the city? Sure.
It's dangerous or Yeah.
I've laid a few down.
I got, y'know, I got some of that.
Whoa.
I've got some of that.
You gotta go down with these kind of-- Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, I can't be doing none of that.
Oh, wow, more? Yeah, oh, yeah.
That's nasty.
It gets better, man, here.
Really? Busted-up knees.
Oh.
- Chicken skins-- you gotta have these in the wintertime.
- Okay, yeah.
I got fluid in my knees.
Oh, yeah.
I'm still walking, though.
Yeah, well-- I got a permanent limp but I'm walking.
Well, I can't be doing none of that.
That's crazy.
I got kids, so that's not All right, man.
What-- But, uh Um, how-- how much is that bike? This one's 75.
Yeah.
That's it? That's it.
Wow.
You get 45 miles to the gallon.
Really? You can park it anywhere.
So it's actually smart to buy a motorcycle.
( singing in foreign language ) ( engines revving ) ( engines revving ) ( tires screeching ) ( woman crying ) ( woman ) Why won't somebody help me?! Why?! I'm in pain here! Won't somebody help me?! Let's take a look here! I need help! ( crying ) Y'know, there's nothing dumber than riding a motorcycle.
It's just stupid.
We get motorcycle fatalities in here all the time and, I gotta tell ya, I feel sorry for none of them.
The guy in here a week ago-- four pieces.
His legs both cut off, the torso, and his helmet in a bag with just his head in it.
Cut off at the neck.
You know what his mom said to me? "Is he gonna be all right?" Why won't somebody help me? Why, God?! Oh, shit.
Listen, I need a-- I need to get to a phone.
Can I get up and get to a phone? No, I can't let you up.
But I gotta call my ex-wife, I gotta tell her I can't pick up the kids.
Nobody knows I'm here.
Here.
Use mine.
Thank you.
Doctor, the CAT scan's ready if you wanna take a look.
Okay.
Hello, hello.
( woman ) Hello.
Hey.
Hey, Janet, it's Louie.
I'm calling from a-- not-- not my phone.
Hey.
You're picking up the girls, right? No, I can't.
What? Louie, no, you can't do that to me right now.
You don't-- no, I, seriously, I can't come.
Louie, I am always happy to cover for you but this is unfair, okay? It's too short notice.
You come and you get them.
I cannot because I'm in a hospital with my head strapped to a thing.
Louie, what happened? I got in an accident.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
How bad are you? I'm waiting for the doctor to come back.
I think I might be okay.
What happened? Well, it was a It was a motorcycle accident.
Motorcycle? Yeah.
I bought a motorcycle and then I got in an accident on it.
Okay, so you-- you can't come pick up the kids? Nope.
Okay.
Well, good luck with that.
He bought a motorcycle.
He got in an accident.
Prick.
Ass-necked idiot.
What the hell he's doing on a motorcycle?! ( woman ) Why won't somebody help me?! Well, you're fine.
Goddamn lucky.
Really? Yeah.
Nothing broken.
Nothing broken? Yeah.
Do I have any internal-- Ow! ( groaning ) This-- it hurts a lot.
Yeah, well, film is good, your CAT is good, you're gonna be in a little pain but you don't need us.
( woman ) Ow! Ow, ow, all right! What about Obama? ( horn honking ) ( knocking ) I'm coming.
Shit.
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I've been trying to call you since yesterday.
Yeah, my phone's broken.
Listen, I'm sorry to just come over but I left my laptop here.
Oh, man, okay.
Can I get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.
Plus clothes that I have here.
Okay.
Jeez, are you okay? I, uh, had an accident.
What do you mean? Well, I got hit by a truck.
Jesus! I was in the hospital.
Oh, my God, Louie! Well, come sit down.
Is no one taking care of you? Well, I didn't break anything, so Who cares? You were in the hospital.
You got hit by a truck.
Yeah.
Oh, my God! It's my leg, really hurts.
You need some help here.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Wow.
You feeling better? Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
Okay, well If you need anything, you can call me.
I'm gonna go.
Well Um Stay? Stay? Yeah, do you wanna stay? Stay.
How are you saying "stay"? I mean, how do you mean that? Just that maybe you-- maybe you should.
Do you mean that you need more help from me right now? No, I just What do you mean by, "Do I wanna stay?" I, uh well, I I'm just saying that maybe you should stay here and we can go see your mom on Thanksgiving-- Look, Louie.
You're hurt, so I helped you, but as far as I'm concerned, we're still broken up.
Well, maybe maybe we should get back together and try and-- All right, let's Because here's what I think is going on-- It's kind of weird for you that I'm here, helping you and feeding you and then I'm just gonna leave, and you're feeling bad and guilty because I'm being nice so now you're just saying this.
Is that I'm just saying let's go to your mom's.
Louie, if we go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving with my whole family and sleep together in my childhood bedroom, that's it.
We're a couple.
You get that, right? Do you realize that you might be wasting four years of both of our lives because you can't just say, "Bye, see ya," right now, because in this second that feels weird? Oh, my God, Louie, please, I'm begging you, for the sake of future me and future you.
You could save yourself another divorce and years of false living.
You could just be a man in this one moment and say to me, "April, thank you for helping me.
" Y'know, "Have a good one.
See ya sometime.
" Ugh! Bye! ( door slamming ) ( sighing ) Are we after midnight or before midnight right now-- Before-- it's before midnight.
It's before midnight.
But it's also after midnight.
It's always before midnight and it's always after midnight.
***.
It's 24 hours.
Parking of vehicles only authorized or you can't park it? A dog or a carrot? Or is it like "Parking the vehicles only authorised".
Vehicles And then this is a green thing But you can't tell And it'sthe line is straight across, it's not even.
.
It's not-- It doesn't--it doesn't indicate - that you can't do something.
- At least it's not red.
Even if it was red, I wouldn't know what the fuck it means.