Lovejoy (1986) s03e01 Episode Script
Friends in High Places
Hey, Lovejoy! Why don't you call Rotterdam and tell them it's not coming? I never had a deal with the Dutch, Harry.
(Laughing) That's your story, and you're sticking to it.
Nice working with you boys.
Bye, Lovejoy.
Well, it's nice working with you, Harry.
- (Harry) Bye! - Bye! Yeah! Three hundred thousand dollars, if you remember.
But pay a few debts.
Put a down payment on your daughter's first flat.
Give yourself a brief change of scene, and bingo, it's gone.
Well, almost gone.
This is what I missed.
Gave up the game.
Went to live in Spain to see if I could remember how to paint.
- (Man) Hello, Lovejoy.
- Hi, how are you? No, not fakes, the real thing.
Just to see if I could.
I can't.
Who wants a Lovejoy when you can have a Utrillo? A fake Utrillo? Perhaps I have returned a better and a wiser man.
Who knows? Anyway, I'm back.
Hm! Thank you.
It's time to renew old friendships.
(Dog barks) (Car door shuts) What's this? Am I supposed to - go into raptures, fall at your feet? - Janey! - Where have you been, Lovejoy? - You've cut your hair.
- What? - You've cut your hair.
It suits you.
Don't change the subject.
You walk out of my life without so much as a by-your-leave.
- Be reasonable.
You were in New York.
- Reasonable? I get more reason from a horse.
What's that you're wearing? You look ridiculous.
I come home for this? I'm not even married to the woman.
Six months, and not even a single word.
You could have been dead.
I sent you a postcard.
Postcard? We're supposed to be partners.
I didn't receive it.
And who reads postcards? Brought you a present.
- Alex always buys me perfume.
- Try sticking that behind your ears.
Oh, come here, you (Both laugh) I missed you.
I thought it was time we had a break from each other.
Give you back to your husband.
I never left him.
He was in New York too, remember? (Tuts) That's what I mean.
He still there? In Hong Kong.
Back on Sunday, I think.
Did it work out for you, this break? Discovered I couldn't paint, again.
I think I put that one to rest, Janey.
I got involved in a cactus-growing operation.
Got stung.
Oh, and I nearly got married.
Twice.
Welcome home, Lovejoy.
Oh, Janey, the cottage.
- Oh, sorry, we've already - No, no, no.
Landed on my feet again, house-sitting for a friend in Spain.
- Casablanca.
- Casablanca's in Morocco.
No, it's in Upper Deeping, actually.
But that's just down the road.
- So we're back in business? - Janey.
- Come for supper tonight.
- I'd love to.
Eight o'clock.
And take that bloody awful suit off.
One down, two to go.
(Dogs barking) - (Dogs barking and snarling) - Good boy.
Good boy.
Here.
(Crescendo of barks) (Dogs barking and snarling) When I suggested you get some security, I didn't mean for you to take me literally.
- What are you doing here? This is the enemy.
- No, it isn't.
It's a good job with prospects.
Since you've been gone, I've done a business development course.
I've got a word processor.
- I saw a safe this morning, a prototype.
- Get away with you.
Yeah, it's got a laser.
Takes a picture of your eye.
Stores it in the memory.
You look at it, it opens.
You ought to get one.
It'd do wonders for your insurance hassles.
A job? A job? You've got antiques in your blood, Eric.
You've got a good eye.
- Have I? - Yeah, you can't be a whore to commerce.
- I can't? - No.
What's it gonna do for you? You're a craftsman.
An artisan.
Well, you will be.
- This yours? - Mine, and it's paid for.
Well, nearly.
- I'm a new man since you've been gone.
- Well, I preferred the old one, Eric.
The footloose, the romantic, the poet.
The dreamer.
- Where's Tink? - Ah.
(Whispers) There he is, look.
(Lovejoy) Psst! (Both) Psst! Tinker! Goodness on such a colossal scale is wondrous to behold, Lovejoy.
Rising an hour before dawn.
After cold ablutions, two hours of silent meditation before partaking of an humble breakfast of arrowroot.
Got you out just in time, by the sound of it, Tink.
Oh, you did, lad, you did.
God bless you both! She wasn't yours to sell, Eric.
She wasn't yours either.
Lady Jane said I could have her, after you just bolted off.
That's true, Lovejoy, as God is our witness.
This car paid for my business development course.
All right, how much, Fred? Well, I have done quite a bit on her.
- Do you want to have a look? - No, no, I don't.
To Fred Barber.
I don't want to sell her.
I love her to bits.
But it's the government, those bloody student loans.
Yeah, well, this should cover it.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
Tinker? Er I don't want to Well, you know.
- But this check - Oh, God is our witness, Fred.
Or Lady Jane Felsham of Felsham Hall if you want an earthly guarantor.
Right.
OK, well, cheers.
- Goodbye, Myrtle.
- (All) Myrtle? Now, I think I ought to warn you Lovejoy, you shouldn't have! (Sounds horn) (Eric) Well, if this is the right place, Lovejoy, you've cracked it! Why is your landlord inside, Lovejoy? I said he was in Spain, not inside.
What did you do, rob a bank? Ah! Couldn't stay away, eh, Jane? Welcome to my humble abode.
- Shangri-la! - Casablanca! Eric! Oh! I I don't know whether to kiss you or salute you.
- Well, I know which I'd prefer.
- Oh Oh, Tinker! - You look divine.
- For my sins.
Oh, thank you! - Oh, I have missed you boys.
- Yeah.
- And how are you, Lady Jane? - All the better for seeing you.
- What's in here, Janey? - Your bag and a little housewarming gift.
Champagne? I knew after six months you'd be short of bread so - see you later, and - I won't be late.
Bye, boys.
Olé.
I'm not saying I'm coming back, Lovejoy.
That way lies madness.
But I will come in and file your stuff up for you, of an evening, just for old times' sake, like.
And, er, perhaps do the odd weekend job.
Your choice, Eric.
Can't say I'm not disappointed.
I mean, I've had my midlife crisis.
Happens to some people earlier than others.
Tinker's done his penance.
Amen to that.
For us it's business as usual.
(Jane) Lovejoy.
My friend, Victoria Cavero.
- Victoria - Victoria.
I've got a daughter called Victoria.
this is Lovejoy.
It's very kind of you to come to my rescue, Mr.
Lovejoy.
Just Lovejoy.
We've been friends for years.
- We were at Benenden together.
- How long will you be staying with Jane? - I don't really know.
- She's just come back from Peru.
- Holiday? - No, I live there.
Oh.
Almost as soon as I left school, I did what my mother said I should never do.
- What was that? - I got married.
He was Peruvian.
We went to live in Lima.
- Jorge was a brilliant lawyer.
- Was? He was murdered three months ago.
Murdered? I'm sorry.
Who by? It could have been the extreme left.
Or the fascists, the government.
He offended them all at some time or other.
He wasn't afraid to speak out.
I had to leave the country.
I got here yesterday.
I promised you'd help, Lovejoy.
- Help? - Have a look at this.
- It's pre-Colombian.
- Yes.
If you look, you can see there's a mark.
It's supposed to be the ring that Atahualpa, god king of the Incas, gave to his bride on their wedding day.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Victoria, but these rings are quite commonplace.
They're worth about $500.
- But this one's unique.
- Oh.
Before he was killed, my husband was threatened.
He knew its value.
He was going to sell it to get funds for the campesinos.
Campesinos? The Indians made destitute by the greed of our politicians.
Victoria feels that while she has the ring, she may be in danger.
- Danger from whom? - From the same people who killed Jorge.
- But they're in Peru.
- They're everywhere, Lovejoy.
- Why would they want to kill you? - I was involved with the campesinos too.
Girls this does sound a bit far-fetched, but if it makes you happy, I'll stay the night.
No, Lovejoy.
No, what we're asking is for you to take the ring away and sell it.
Janey, it's Friday night.
I've just got back in the country.
I'm in a new house.
I haven't even got a Rottweiler.
Stick it back in your safe.
- But supposing someone breaks in? - No one's gonna break in here.
Everyone in the county knows Alex has got this place wired up like Fort Knox.
It's all right, Lovejoy.
(Church bell tolling) Oh, darling, I've caused so much trouble to you and to Lovejoy.
Oh, not at all.
He's in his element.
Janey? Is there something going on between you two? Oh, Good Lord, no! He's my business partner.
Yes, but you seem very close.
Well, of course, he's like a brother to me.
He doesn't look at you like a brother.
Yes, Dennis, there are two ladies up there on their own, and I'm a little worried about them.
So if you could divert a patrol car for five minutes to check on 'em, I'd appreciate it.
Much obliged.
Thank you very much, Dennis.
(Eric) This is ridiculous.
A security guard breaking into his own office in the middle of the night to steal the bloody safe! I'd have lost my job if we'd got caught.
Well, you could have told them their security was working, Eric.
Ha-ha.
This has got to be back first thing Monday morning.
- Now would you tell us what you want it for? - Certainly.
I have here the ring that the god king Atahualpa gave his bride on their wedding day.
Worth probably one million dollars.
Worth maybe 500 dollars.
It's pre-Colombian semiprecious turquoise.
Peruvians dig 'em up in their back garden every day.
Maybe, but this is on the word of a beautiful woman, and there's a lot of bad people out there who think it's worth enough to threaten her and us if they think I've gone off with it.
- D'you want to see how this thing works? - You've told me.
I mean, I stare at it and hey presto - It doesn't open, Eric.
- When I stare at it, I said.
You see, this laser reflects off my retina and creates what they call a speckle.
Now, that pattern's stored, then the laser reads the pattern on my eye and compares it with the pattern in the safe.
Just get on with it and open the safe, would you, Eric? Yeah, right.
You're ready? I shall say the magic words.
Open sesame.
- (Beeping) - (He laughs) There we are.
A miracle, isn't it? And of course, I - note the pun - am the only person who can make it work.
What's this? Well, when I was in the priory, the monks gave me temporary charge of the meadery.
It's a great honor.
They have a secret recipe that I altered just a smidgen to create a monk's mead a la Tinker.
I invited them to try it and inspired them to a vow of silence.
- They were legless, you mean.
- It did tend to bring them to their knees.
Yes.
Not to be drunk for five years, Lovejoy.
- I want to see how it travels.
- It's not a time machine, Tink.
- What's this? - A tuna-fish sandwich.
I'm checking the condensation factor.
There you are.
Safe as the Bank of England Oh! (She sighs) - You don't believe a word of it.
- What Peruvian death squads in rural England? Give me a break, Jane.
We're English.
We can't imagine what she's been through.
Look, the ring is real.
You have it.
Sell it.
That's all you're being asked to do.
OK? Please.
- (Rings) - Hold on.
That'll be for me.
Lovejoy.
Hello, Douglas.
That was quick.
Who? Yeah, who? Mm-hm.
No, of course I realize you have to see it.
No, no, I won't bring it to Windsor.
Call me back at my cottage within the hour.
Yeah.
- Good morning, senora.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
Well, according to Douglas Rimmer, leading gem expert, if you're right about the king's mark, we could have a buyer, an Alfredo Pereira.
Brazilian banker.
Name ring a bell? Pereira, Pereira.
Yes.
Isn't he the chap who's always in the Tatler, Dempster, Harper's? - He plays polo with the Royals.
- He's playing at Windsor this afternoon.
(Grunts) - (Low bleeping) - No.
When I tried it earlier, nothing happened.
It's obviously a computer fault in the laser.
We're gonna have to phone the manufacturers in Melbourne on Monday.
I don't believe this.
It's like the night I went to the National Theatre.
It was a play by Harold Pinter.
The safety curtain rose on the second act and it jammed at the level of Sir Ralph Richardson's knees.
The solution to the problem lay in Canada.
- Well, what happened? - I never found out.
They sent us home.
Will you stop talking about Ralph Richardson's knees? We'll have to smash this open.
Well, you'll never do that, Lovejoy.
The solution to this problem lies in the Cayman Islands.
What? Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the cracksman who beats them all? (All) Barney Waddock! No way, Tink.
I've retired, my son.
- Don't need it no more.
Who needs lasers? - (Tinker) It's life and death.
- (Line crackling) - Can you Can you hear me? Can you recommend someone? It's my boy you want.
I passed all my knowledge on to him, to make an honest lad of him.
How can I reach him? It's Saturday morning, and we need him! It's Jonathan you want, for a sophisticated assessment.
I hear you.
Have you got a number for him? Call the school.
School? What school? Slough Grammar.
- Slough what? - Eton, my boy! - Jonathan Waddock! - Yeah.
- Major Dill.
- Yes, Tinker.
My dad said you'd be hard to miss.
- Come to take you to lunch, old bean.
- Oh, really? I thought it was a safe you wanted cracking.
Alistair? I'm shogging off for an hour or two.
My fee for this sort of thing, by the way, is 50 quid an hour.
Plus expenses.
(Commentator) straight down the ground.
(Cheering) (Man) Yes! (Cheering) (Commentator) Alfredo Pereira into the boards in front of the grandstand position.
They all gallop down on it.
(Crowd shouting) (Commentator) He can't get ahold of it.
They've taken it out to the center of the field.
There's some hard riding going on.
There's Tosh again.
Hits the ball down towards the goal.
Tosh still on the ball.
Looks for the goal shot.
I like it.
Well, I've been back two days and here I am sipping Pimm's with the polo set.
I can't make an evaluation on this, Lovejoy.
I'm not asking you to, Douglas.
I just want to know if you recognize it.
Peruvian, you say? I think your first instinct was right.
It's trash.
Mark you, one did go for $12,000 in New York the other day.
What if that is King Atahualpa's mark? Then it could be just out of the Vilcarino collection, and that would make it interesting.
How interesting? Two million interesting.
- Is that in Pereira's league? - My dear Lovejoy, you don't know Pereira.
No, I don't.
Could you point him out? (Commentator) up towards the goal.
- Angus on the attack - (Clattering hooves drown out commentary) Alfredo Pereira takes it down the line.
- (Cheering) - There's a goal! - Perfect shot! That's won the game.
- (Applause) (Commentator) Wonderful play there from Alfredo Pereira.
Victory came right in the final second.
If my interest is to be engaged, then, Mr.
Lovejoy, I should like to know something of the ring's most recent history, like for example how it comes to be in your possession.
- Confidential, senhor.
- Hm.
Does it concern a lady? (Chuckles) Oh, it always concerns a lady.
- It does.
It always has, in my experience.
- I wouldn't know that.
To me it's just a piece of merchandise.
For me it's not just a question of merchandise.
One can go into any shop for that.
No, for me collecting is to be in touch with personality, humanity and a little dash of intrigue.
Adds spice, don't you think? Well, since I can't supply any of that, maybe we should call it a day.
So be it.
Well goodbye, gentlemen.
Sen senhor, excuse me! Senhor? Senhor? Monsieur? Sir? If I could arrange for you to see the ring - That's what I thought we were here for, Mr - Rimmer.
- Rimmer? - Rimmer, yes.
Yes.
- (Whispers) He wants to see it.
- Course he wants to see it.
- For God's sake, Lovejoy! - Yeah, all right, all right.
I'm sorry I made it a little hard for you, senhor, but I did make my client a solemn oath to protect his privacy.
Why? Is he a thief? Would it matter if he was? Aren't half the art collections of the world built on someone at some time thieving something from somebody else? People even die for it.
That is either very sophisticated or a very cynical view.
Not knowing you as a person, Mr.
Lovejoy, I cannot be sure which.
I'd be very happy to show you the ring, with Mr.
Rimmer there to value it.
Well, I have a full weekend.
I'm a guest at Windsor Castle, you know.
Monday morning, ten o'clock? On Monday at 12 o'clock, I fly to Paris.
- Eight, nine, before your flight? - Eight o'clock.
Yes.
If you would care to bring it to the Ritz hotel.
- Yes, I think I could manage that.
- I can't, I've got an appointment at 9:30.
It'll have to be my place.
Mr.
Rimmer will keep you informed.
- I'm not some wretched messenger - You are calling the shots, Mr.
Lovejoy.
I wait on Mr.
Rimmer's instructions.
How dare you? I shall never do business with you again.
Yes, you will, Douglas.
You got what you wanted, didn't you? - And the ring's safe, isn't it? - Oh, yes, very safe.
Then why so moody? Gut feeling, Janey.
He was just so conveniently there for it.
And a meeting at Windsor polo grounds.
And spending a weekend at the castle? What's all that about? Probably showing off.
(Lovejoy) Your husband.
He have any dealings with the Brazilians? He was investigating a small group of Latin American bankers, a kind of international freemasonry.
- I can't remember what they were called.
- Now, that's the smell I was after.
Oh, Lovejoy.
This is Barney's boy, Jonathan.
- Hello, Jonathan.
How you doing? - Hi.
I'm gonna have to use my brain for the first time this half.
This is costing us £50 an hour plus expenses.
Is anyone going for a takeaway? Thai, for preference.
- (Murmurs) Fish and chips.
- Right.
Yeah, I'm just checking in, Janey.
Bugger! I've forgotten the ensemble average.
Say good night to Victoria for me.
Sleep tight.
(Chuckles) This is good fun.
(Murmurs) You ever get the feeling you're being "ripped orf"? (Buzzing) Oh, damn.
- What seems to be the trouble? - I haven't a clue.
- Let me have a look.
- Thanks very much.
(Muffled shrieks) That's it.
Get her in the van.
(Muffled cries) (Lovejoy) Wakey-wakey! - I'm supposed to be back for chapel at 10:40.
- (Phone) Don't worry, Jonathan, we'll have you back for evensong.
Yeah? Hello? They took the wrong woman! It should have been me! They know you wouldn't let anything happen to Jane.
(Phone) Yeah? Yeah, Lovejoy.
Who the hell are you? - Where is she? - Yeah, you've got her.
No police, agreed.
No police? Straight swap - Janey for the ring.
They're going to call back in a few hours, let us know where and when.
Well, give them the bloody ring.
The ring.
So a complete match gives a result of 1, and no match gives a result of 0.
You'll never get a complete match.
So the safe will open if the figure is greater than - Will open? if the figure is greater than 0.
98.
- In theory.
- So open it, Eric.
- (Low bleep) - I can't do it.
I can't do it.
So why the hell can't he open the safe, Jonathan? I don't know, do I? That's how it works, that's all I know.
I'm not bloody Einstein.
Hey, hang on a tick.
Do you wear contact lenses? - How do you know? - Take them out.
I've only just got 'em.
Take them out, Eric.
OK? Now shoot.
(Device whistles) Now, that is a miracle.
The contact lens was altering the speckle pattern, making the correlation much less than the threshold level.
- So all this has been - A complete waste of time.
- That'll be 500 quid.
- Eric'll pay you.
Come on, Victoria.
Cash? Or do you want to pay VAT? - (Keys rattle) - (Horse whinnies) (Clanking) (Acoustic guitar music from TV) (Man speaking Portuguese) (Speaking Portuguese) (Horse grunts) (Whispers) That's a good boy.
What I don't understand is that wealthy educated people thought it was all right for a whole tribe to be denied its basic rights.
The reason was always the same, the Indians are too primitive to take responsibility for themselves.
There's an old Peruvian saying nothing comes cheaper than the skin of an Indian.
And was it as they say a fairy-tale marriage? Most of the time.
Most? Women adored him, and he adored women.
Very early on, I realized that I was going to have to learn to share him.
And that's how it was.
(Birdsong) (Phone rings) Yeah? Where and when? Come on, let's go.
The man who was speaking on the phone sounded sort of Spanish.
Well, can you remember a word? Any word? - Amiga.
- That's friend, female.
- A aviansa.
Is that a word? - It sounds like an airline.
- Aliança? - Yes, that's it.
That's ring in Portuguese.
Brazilian.
(Footsteps) Oh, Alex! Darling, I've missed you! What the hell's going on here? Hello, Alex.
(Snores gently) (Louder snoring) You didn't inform the police? Jane could have been killed! - She may have been killed if I'd called them.
- Alex, it was my fault.
Every time I come back, she's in some sort of bloody problem with you, Lovejoy! - Maybe you shouldn't go away so often! - I beg your pardon? - Look, stop it, both of you! Stop it! - It's Pereira we should be concentrating on.
- Pereira? - Alfredo Pereira.
- He's a leading international banker.
- Do you know him, Alex? He was involved in that World Bank Project for the development of the South American Indians.
Development? More like colonization.
- It was a scandal.
- What else? He was a founder member of the International Congress of Latin American Bankers.
ICLAB.
That's the one Jorge was investigating.
And old Alfredo's due at my place in one hour.
(Jane) But you both know the ring isn't there.
I'll bluff it out.
Look, I don't believe Pereira is involved with this.
I want to come with you.
No, I want you to stay here.
Jane needs you.
I need you.
I want you to both stay by the phone.
- Is she safe? - Yeah, she's back home.
- She's OK.
- Thank God for that.
- Where are you going, Eric? - We've got to take the safe back, Lovejoy.
Not yet, you're not.
- This is preposterous.
- Isn't it, Douglas? Come inside, senhor.
It's charming here.
I don't believe you've met.
Victoria Cavero, Alfredo Pereira.
- Senora.
- Senhor.
- Coffee, senhor? - Thank you, er, no coffee.
It's Brazilian.
These are colleagues of mine.
But shouldn't this be confidential? If you wish.
Mr.
Catchpole, you're security.
Would you mind going outside and securing? Thank you, Mr.
Catchpole.
- And the senora? - Oh, didn't I tell you? - Senora Cavero is the owner of the ring.
- Ah, forgive me, senora.
I'll go through the procedures.
I open the safe.
You view the merchandise.
Mr.
Rimmer pronounces.
We haggle and come to our conclusions.
I agree to that.
Ah.
Mr.
Catchpole - Make your mind up, Lovejoy.
- Mr.
Lovejoy.
Open the safe.
Yeah, but the - It's a prototype.
Very few on the market.
- I know.
I, er I have several.
They're very good.
(Device whistles) Now look here, Lovejoy, is this one of your jokes? Mr.
Catchpole, escort Mr.
Rimmer outside, please.
- But - This is none of your concern, Douglas.
- I can walk on my own.
- Just Would you like some breakfast, senhor? Help yourself.
What are you playing at? You knew the ring wasn't there.
You've already taken possession of it earlier this morning.
That's all right if it's your way of doing business, but you haven't paid for it.
I I am sorry, I, er I don't understand.
The price for what you already have is three million dollars.
- We want settlement now.
- Preposterous.
As Mr.
Rimmer would say.
Shall I call him in, and we'll make it public? Your allegation that I have this ring already, hm? - Based on? - A word.
Aliança.
That's Brazilian for ring.
- In Peru, it would have been - Anillo.
Your man in the horse box on the telephone.
(Latin accent) A little bit careless.
My man at the horse box? Huh! If it were not all so absurd, I should be getting angry with you.
You accuse me now of what precisely? Kidnap.
Death threats.
(Sighs) Mr.
Lovejoy.
I am here, keeping an appointment in good faith.
You have brought me on a wild-goose chase.
It appears you have no merchandise.
And now, if you will excuse me, I have a plane to catch.
Senora Cavero has a schoolfriend.
They were at Benenden together.
A certain Royal lady.
You probably know her.
She likes horses too.
She's going to phone her now, and tell her about our meeting at Windsor and the violence that you inflicted on their very good friend Jane Felsham, Lady Jane Felsham.
This phone call is our marker - for 3.
5 million.
- 3.
5? It just went up.
When you kidnapped Lady Felsham, you picked the wrong woman.
Make your call.
- Does she know the number? - Shh.
Hello, this is Senora Cavero.
I wonder if I could speak to Her Royal Highness's equerry, please.
Hello, who am I speaking to? Is that the residence of Her Royal Highness? (Jane) It isn't permitted for me to answer that.
Who are you? Hello? Yes, I'm afraid we had a crossed line.
This is Victoria Cavero.
No, please don't disturb her.
Will you tell her that I'm in England and I'd love to see her? Yes.
Thank you.
Phew! Before we go any further I think you owe me the courtesy of telling me who I'm dealing with.
Are your interests political, hm? Or purely mercenary? In South America, is there any distinction? Now, that is insulting.
We're talking about Indians, in your country and in mine.
I know of the problems in your country, senora, and of your concern for them.
But you, Mr.
Lovejoy, I see as someone merely out for what you can get.
So don't take the high moral ground with me.
I am sorry if I have offended you, senora.
To put the matter right and to assure you of my goodwill, I am prepared to make a contribution to your cause.
Whatever you call it, Pereira, it's still 3.
5 million.
You wanted the ring, you got it.
Now you pay for it.
Oh, the ring may be worthless.
Oh, do me a favor.
I am not prepared to go beyond a million.
- 3.
5.
- 1.
5.
and you can still play your little games with your friends in Windsor.
We both know what I'm selling, Pereira, and what you're buying, and it's not the ring.
Two million, my limit.
Cash check.
Now.
A word of advice, senora.
Don't go back to Peru.
(Lovejoy) Adiós, amigo.
- Now look here, Lovejoy - The deal's done, Douglas.
- Without the ring? How? - Sort of a miracle.
- But what about my commission? - Make sure he doesn't stop the check.
- Go on, Douglas, you'll miss your ride.
- Wait! - Just one small point, though.
- Hm? You asked 3 million for me, 3.
5 for Janey? I've known Janey longer.
Anyway, 3 million was a bit ambitious.
Two million for your campesinos, senora.
Thank you.
Oh, Lovejoy, I think I should tell you in case it rebounds on you, this Royal I'm supposed to be so friendly with, I left the term before she arrived.
- Really? - I never even met her.
(Lovejoy) Really.
Well, all that remains is for us to discuss my commission.
- Shall we talk over dinner? - Dinner? Oh, great, I'm starvin'.
(Laughing) That's your story, and you're sticking to it.
Nice working with you boys.
Bye, Lovejoy.
Well, it's nice working with you, Harry.
- (Harry) Bye! - Bye! Yeah! Three hundred thousand dollars, if you remember.
But pay a few debts.
Put a down payment on your daughter's first flat.
Give yourself a brief change of scene, and bingo, it's gone.
Well, almost gone.
This is what I missed.
Gave up the game.
Went to live in Spain to see if I could remember how to paint.
- (Man) Hello, Lovejoy.
- Hi, how are you? No, not fakes, the real thing.
Just to see if I could.
I can't.
Who wants a Lovejoy when you can have a Utrillo? A fake Utrillo? Perhaps I have returned a better and a wiser man.
Who knows? Anyway, I'm back.
Hm! Thank you.
It's time to renew old friendships.
(Dog barks) (Car door shuts) What's this? Am I supposed to - go into raptures, fall at your feet? - Janey! - Where have you been, Lovejoy? - You've cut your hair.
- What? - You've cut your hair.
It suits you.
Don't change the subject.
You walk out of my life without so much as a by-your-leave.
- Be reasonable.
You were in New York.
- Reasonable? I get more reason from a horse.
What's that you're wearing? You look ridiculous.
I come home for this? I'm not even married to the woman.
Six months, and not even a single word.
You could have been dead.
I sent you a postcard.
Postcard? We're supposed to be partners.
I didn't receive it.
And who reads postcards? Brought you a present.
- Alex always buys me perfume.
- Try sticking that behind your ears.
Oh, come here, you (Both laugh) I missed you.
I thought it was time we had a break from each other.
Give you back to your husband.
I never left him.
He was in New York too, remember? (Tuts) That's what I mean.
He still there? In Hong Kong.
Back on Sunday, I think.
Did it work out for you, this break? Discovered I couldn't paint, again.
I think I put that one to rest, Janey.
I got involved in a cactus-growing operation.
Got stung.
Oh, and I nearly got married.
Twice.
Welcome home, Lovejoy.
Oh, Janey, the cottage.
- Oh, sorry, we've already - No, no, no.
Landed on my feet again, house-sitting for a friend in Spain.
- Casablanca.
- Casablanca's in Morocco.
No, it's in Upper Deeping, actually.
But that's just down the road.
- So we're back in business? - Janey.
- Come for supper tonight.
- I'd love to.
Eight o'clock.
And take that bloody awful suit off.
One down, two to go.
(Dogs barking) - (Dogs barking and snarling) - Good boy.
Good boy.
Here.
(Crescendo of barks) (Dogs barking and snarling) When I suggested you get some security, I didn't mean for you to take me literally.
- What are you doing here? This is the enemy.
- No, it isn't.
It's a good job with prospects.
Since you've been gone, I've done a business development course.
I've got a word processor.
- I saw a safe this morning, a prototype.
- Get away with you.
Yeah, it's got a laser.
Takes a picture of your eye.
Stores it in the memory.
You look at it, it opens.
You ought to get one.
It'd do wonders for your insurance hassles.
A job? A job? You've got antiques in your blood, Eric.
You've got a good eye.
- Have I? - Yeah, you can't be a whore to commerce.
- I can't? - No.
What's it gonna do for you? You're a craftsman.
An artisan.
Well, you will be.
- This yours? - Mine, and it's paid for.
Well, nearly.
- I'm a new man since you've been gone.
- Well, I preferred the old one, Eric.
The footloose, the romantic, the poet.
The dreamer.
- Where's Tink? - Ah.
(Whispers) There he is, look.
(Lovejoy) Psst! (Both) Psst! Tinker! Goodness on such a colossal scale is wondrous to behold, Lovejoy.
Rising an hour before dawn.
After cold ablutions, two hours of silent meditation before partaking of an humble breakfast of arrowroot.
Got you out just in time, by the sound of it, Tink.
Oh, you did, lad, you did.
God bless you both! She wasn't yours to sell, Eric.
She wasn't yours either.
Lady Jane said I could have her, after you just bolted off.
That's true, Lovejoy, as God is our witness.
This car paid for my business development course.
All right, how much, Fred? Well, I have done quite a bit on her.
- Do you want to have a look? - No, no, I don't.
To Fred Barber.
I don't want to sell her.
I love her to bits.
But it's the government, those bloody student loans.
Yeah, well, this should cover it.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
Tinker? Er I don't want to Well, you know.
- But this check - Oh, God is our witness, Fred.
Or Lady Jane Felsham of Felsham Hall if you want an earthly guarantor.
Right.
OK, well, cheers.
- Goodbye, Myrtle.
- (All) Myrtle? Now, I think I ought to warn you Lovejoy, you shouldn't have! (Sounds horn) (Eric) Well, if this is the right place, Lovejoy, you've cracked it! Why is your landlord inside, Lovejoy? I said he was in Spain, not inside.
What did you do, rob a bank? Ah! Couldn't stay away, eh, Jane? Welcome to my humble abode.
- Shangri-la! - Casablanca! Eric! Oh! I I don't know whether to kiss you or salute you.
- Well, I know which I'd prefer.
- Oh Oh, Tinker! - You look divine.
- For my sins.
Oh, thank you! - Oh, I have missed you boys.
- Yeah.
- And how are you, Lady Jane? - All the better for seeing you.
- What's in here, Janey? - Your bag and a little housewarming gift.
Champagne? I knew after six months you'd be short of bread so - see you later, and - I won't be late.
Bye, boys.
Olé.
I'm not saying I'm coming back, Lovejoy.
That way lies madness.
But I will come in and file your stuff up for you, of an evening, just for old times' sake, like.
And, er, perhaps do the odd weekend job.
Your choice, Eric.
Can't say I'm not disappointed.
I mean, I've had my midlife crisis.
Happens to some people earlier than others.
Tinker's done his penance.
Amen to that.
For us it's business as usual.
(Jane) Lovejoy.
My friend, Victoria Cavero.
- Victoria - Victoria.
I've got a daughter called Victoria.
this is Lovejoy.
It's very kind of you to come to my rescue, Mr.
Lovejoy.
Just Lovejoy.
We've been friends for years.
- We were at Benenden together.
- How long will you be staying with Jane? - I don't really know.
- She's just come back from Peru.
- Holiday? - No, I live there.
Oh.
Almost as soon as I left school, I did what my mother said I should never do.
- What was that? - I got married.
He was Peruvian.
We went to live in Lima.
- Jorge was a brilliant lawyer.
- Was? He was murdered three months ago.
Murdered? I'm sorry.
Who by? It could have been the extreme left.
Or the fascists, the government.
He offended them all at some time or other.
He wasn't afraid to speak out.
I had to leave the country.
I got here yesterday.
I promised you'd help, Lovejoy.
- Help? - Have a look at this.
- It's pre-Colombian.
- Yes.
If you look, you can see there's a mark.
It's supposed to be the ring that Atahualpa, god king of the Incas, gave to his bride on their wedding day.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Victoria, but these rings are quite commonplace.
They're worth about $500.
- But this one's unique.
- Oh.
Before he was killed, my husband was threatened.
He knew its value.
He was going to sell it to get funds for the campesinos.
Campesinos? The Indians made destitute by the greed of our politicians.
Victoria feels that while she has the ring, she may be in danger.
- Danger from whom? - From the same people who killed Jorge.
- But they're in Peru.
- They're everywhere, Lovejoy.
- Why would they want to kill you? - I was involved with the campesinos too.
Girls this does sound a bit far-fetched, but if it makes you happy, I'll stay the night.
No, Lovejoy.
No, what we're asking is for you to take the ring away and sell it.
Janey, it's Friday night.
I've just got back in the country.
I'm in a new house.
I haven't even got a Rottweiler.
Stick it back in your safe.
- But supposing someone breaks in? - No one's gonna break in here.
Everyone in the county knows Alex has got this place wired up like Fort Knox.
It's all right, Lovejoy.
(Church bell tolling) Oh, darling, I've caused so much trouble to you and to Lovejoy.
Oh, not at all.
He's in his element.
Janey? Is there something going on between you two? Oh, Good Lord, no! He's my business partner.
Yes, but you seem very close.
Well, of course, he's like a brother to me.
He doesn't look at you like a brother.
Yes, Dennis, there are two ladies up there on their own, and I'm a little worried about them.
So if you could divert a patrol car for five minutes to check on 'em, I'd appreciate it.
Much obliged.
Thank you very much, Dennis.
(Eric) This is ridiculous.
A security guard breaking into his own office in the middle of the night to steal the bloody safe! I'd have lost my job if we'd got caught.
Well, you could have told them their security was working, Eric.
Ha-ha.
This has got to be back first thing Monday morning.
- Now would you tell us what you want it for? - Certainly.
I have here the ring that the god king Atahualpa gave his bride on their wedding day.
Worth probably one million dollars.
Worth maybe 500 dollars.
It's pre-Colombian semiprecious turquoise.
Peruvians dig 'em up in their back garden every day.
Maybe, but this is on the word of a beautiful woman, and there's a lot of bad people out there who think it's worth enough to threaten her and us if they think I've gone off with it.
- D'you want to see how this thing works? - You've told me.
I mean, I stare at it and hey presto - It doesn't open, Eric.
- When I stare at it, I said.
You see, this laser reflects off my retina and creates what they call a speckle.
Now, that pattern's stored, then the laser reads the pattern on my eye and compares it with the pattern in the safe.
Just get on with it and open the safe, would you, Eric? Yeah, right.
You're ready? I shall say the magic words.
Open sesame.
- (Beeping) - (He laughs) There we are.
A miracle, isn't it? And of course, I - note the pun - am the only person who can make it work.
What's this? Well, when I was in the priory, the monks gave me temporary charge of the meadery.
It's a great honor.
They have a secret recipe that I altered just a smidgen to create a monk's mead a la Tinker.
I invited them to try it and inspired them to a vow of silence.
- They were legless, you mean.
- It did tend to bring them to their knees.
Yes.
Not to be drunk for five years, Lovejoy.
- I want to see how it travels.
- It's not a time machine, Tink.
- What's this? - A tuna-fish sandwich.
I'm checking the condensation factor.
There you are.
Safe as the Bank of England Oh! (She sighs) - You don't believe a word of it.
- What Peruvian death squads in rural England? Give me a break, Jane.
We're English.
We can't imagine what she's been through.
Look, the ring is real.
You have it.
Sell it.
That's all you're being asked to do.
OK? Please.
- (Rings) - Hold on.
That'll be for me.
Lovejoy.
Hello, Douglas.
That was quick.
Who? Yeah, who? Mm-hm.
No, of course I realize you have to see it.
No, no, I won't bring it to Windsor.
Call me back at my cottage within the hour.
Yeah.
- Good morning, senora.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
Well, according to Douglas Rimmer, leading gem expert, if you're right about the king's mark, we could have a buyer, an Alfredo Pereira.
Brazilian banker.
Name ring a bell? Pereira, Pereira.
Yes.
Isn't he the chap who's always in the Tatler, Dempster, Harper's? - He plays polo with the Royals.
- He's playing at Windsor this afternoon.
(Grunts) - (Low bleeping) - No.
When I tried it earlier, nothing happened.
It's obviously a computer fault in the laser.
We're gonna have to phone the manufacturers in Melbourne on Monday.
I don't believe this.
It's like the night I went to the National Theatre.
It was a play by Harold Pinter.
The safety curtain rose on the second act and it jammed at the level of Sir Ralph Richardson's knees.
The solution to the problem lay in Canada.
- Well, what happened? - I never found out.
They sent us home.
Will you stop talking about Ralph Richardson's knees? We'll have to smash this open.
Well, you'll never do that, Lovejoy.
The solution to this problem lies in the Cayman Islands.
What? Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the cracksman who beats them all? (All) Barney Waddock! No way, Tink.
I've retired, my son.
- Don't need it no more.
Who needs lasers? - (Tinker) It's life and death.
- (Line crackling) - Can you Can you hear me? Can you recommend someone? It's my boy you want.
I passed all my knowledge on to him, to make an honest lad of him.
How can I reach him? It's Saturday morning, and we need him! It's Jonathan you want, for a sophisticated assessment.
I hear you.
Have you got a number for him? Call the school.
School? What school? Slough Grammar.
- Slough what? - Eton, my boy! - Jonathan Waddock! - Yeah.
- Major Dill.
- Yes, Tinker.
My dad said you'd be hard to miss.
- Come to take you to lunch, old bean.
- Oh, really? I thought it was a safe you wanted cracking.
Alistair? I'm shogging off for an hour or two.
My fee for this sort of thing, by the way, is 50 quid an hour.
Plus expenses.
(Commentator) straight down the ground.
(Cheering) (Man) Yes! (Cheering) (Commentator) Alfredo Pereira into the boards in front of the grandstand position.
They all gallop down on it.
(Crowd shouting) (Commentator) He can't get ahold of it.
They've taken it out to the center of the field.
There's some hard riding going on.
There's Tosh again.
Hits the ball down towards the goal.
Tosh still on the ball.
Looks for the goal shot.
I like it.
Well, I've been back two days and here I am sipping Pimm's with the polo set.
I can't make an evaluation on this, Lovejoy.
I'm not asking you to, Douglas.
I just want to know if you recognize it.
Peruvian, you say? I think your first instinct was right.
It's trash.
Mark you, one did go for $12,000 in New York the other day.
What if that is King Atahualpa's mark? Then it could be just out of the Vilcarino collection, and that would make it interesting.
How interesting? Two million interesting.
- Is that in Pereira's league? - My dear Lovejoy, you don't know Pereira.
No, I don't.
Could you point him out? (Commentator) up towards the goal.
- Angus on the attack - (Clattering hooves drown out commentary) Alfredo Pereira takes it down the line.
- (Cheering) - There's a goal! - Perfect shot! That's won the game.
- (Applause) (Commentator) Wonderful play there from Alfredo Pereira.
Victory came right in the final second.
If my interest is to be engaged, then, Mr.
Lovejoy, I should like to know something of the ring's most recent history, like for example how it comes to be in your possession.
- Confidential, senhor.
- Hm.
Does it concern a lady? (Chuckles) Oh, it always concerns a lady.
- It does.
It always has, in my experience.
- I wouldn't know that.
To me it's just a piece of merchandise.
For me it's not just a question of merchandise.
One can go into any shop for that.
No, for me collecting is to be in touch with personality, humanity and a little dash of intrigue.
Adds spice, don't you think? Well, since I can't supply any of that, maybe we should call it a day.
So be it.
Well goodbye, gentlemen.
Sen senhor, excuse me! Senhor? Senhor? Monsieur? Sir? If I could arrange for you to see the ring - That's what I thought we were here for, Mr - Rimmer.
- Rimmer? - Rimmer, yes.
Yes.
- (Whispers) He wants to see it.
- Course he wants to see it.
- For God's sake, Lovejoy! - Yeah, all right, all right.
I'm sorry I made it a little hard for you, senhor, but I did make my client a solemn oath to protect his privacy.
Why? Is he a thief? Would it matter if he was? Aren't half the art collections of the world built on someone at some time thieving something from somebody else? People even die for it.
That is either very sophisticated or a very cynical view.
Not knowing you as a person, Mr.
Lovejoy, I cannot be sure which.
I'd be very happy to show you the ring, with Mr.
Rimmer there to value it.
Well, I have a full weekend.
I'm a guest at Windsor Castle, you know.
Monday morning, ten o'clock? On Monday at 12 o'clock, I fly to Paris.
- Eight, nine, before your flight? - Eight o'clock.
Yes.
If you would care to bring it to the Ritz hotel.
- Yes, I think I could manage that.
- I can't, I've got an appointment at 9:30.
It'll have to be my place.
Mr.
Rimmer will keep you informed.
- I'm not some wretched messenger - You are calling the shots, Mr.
Lovejoy.
I wait on Mr.
Rimmer's instructions.
How dare you? I shall never do business with you again.
Yes, you will, Douglas.
You got what you wanted, didn't you? - And the ring's safe, isn't it? - Oh, yes, very safe.
Then why so moody? Gut feeling, Janey.
He was just so conveniently there for it.
And a meeting at Windsor polo grounds.
And spending a weekend at the castle? What's all that about? Probably showing off.
(Lovejoy) Your husband.
He have any dealings with the Brazilians? He was investigating a small group of Latin American bankers, a kind of international freemasonry.
- I can't remember what they were called.
- Now, that's the smell I was after.
Oh, Lovejoy.
This is Barney's boy, Jonathan.
- Hello, Jonathan.
How you doing? - Hi.
I'm gonna have to use my brain for the first time this half.
This is costing us £50 an hour plus expenses.
Is anyone going for a takeaway? Thai, for preference.
- (Murmurs) Fish and chips.
- Right.
Yeah, I'm just checking in, Janey.
Bugger! I've forgotten the ensemble average.
Say good night to Victoria for me.
Sleep tight.
(Chuckles) This is good fun.
(Murmurs) You ever get the feeling you're being "ripped orf"? (Buzzing) Oh, damn.
- What seems to be the trouble? - I haven't a clue.
- Let me have a look.
- Thanks very much.
(Muffled shrieks) That's it.
Get her in the van.
(Muffled cries) (Lovejoy) Wakey-wakey! - I'm supposed to be back for chapel at 10:40.
- (Phone) Don't worry, Jonathan, we'll have you back for evensong.
Yeah? Hello? They took the wrong woman! It should have been me! They know you wouldn't let anything happen to Jane.
(Phone) Yeah? Yeah, Lovejoy.
Who the hell are you? - Where is she? - Yeah, you've got her.
No police, agreed.
No police? Straight swap - Janey for the ring.
They're going to call back in a few hours, let us know where and when.
Well, give them the bloody ring.
The ring.
So a complete match gives a result of 1, and no match gives a result of 0.
You'll never get a complete match.
So the safe will open if the figure is greater than - Will open? if the figure is greater than 0.
98.
- In theory.
- So open it, Eric.
- (Low bleep) - I can't do it.
I can't do it.
So why the hell can't he open the safe, Jonathan? I don't know, do I? That's how it works, that's all I know.
I'm not bloody Einstein.
Hey, hang on a tick.
Do you wear contact lenses? - How do you know? - Take them out.
I've only just got 'em.
Take them out, Eric.
OK? Now shoot.
(Device whistles) Now, that is a miracle.
The contact lens was altering the speckle pattern, making the correlation much less than the threshold level.
- So all this has been - A complete waste of time.
- That'll be 500 quid.
- Eric'll pay you.
Come on, Victoria.
Cash? Or do you want to pay VAT? - (Keys rattle) - (Horse whinnies) (Clanking) (Acoustic guitar music from TV) (Man speaking Portuguese) (Speaking Portuguese) (Horse grunts) (Whispers) That's a good boy.
What I don't understand is that wealthy educated people thought it was all right for a whole tribe to be denied its basic rights.
The reason was always the same, the Indians are too primitive to take responsibility for themselves.
There's an old Peruvian saying nothing comes cheaper than the skin of an Indian.
And was it as they say a fairy-tale marriage? Most of the time.
Most? Women adored him, and he adored women.
Very early on, I realized that I was going to have to learn to share him.
And that's how it was.
(Birdsong) (Phone rings) Yeah? Where and when? Come on, let's go.
The man who was speaking on the phone sounded sort of Spanish.
Well, can you remember a word? Any word? - Amiga.
- That's friend, female.
- A aviansa.
Is that a word? - It sounds like an airline.
- Aliança? - Yes, that's it.
That's ring in Portuguese.
Brazilian.
(Footsteps) Oh, Alex! Darling, I've missed you! What the hell's going on here? Hello, Alex.
(Snores gently) (Louder snoring) You didn't inform the police? Jane could have been killed! - She may have been killed if I'd called them.
- Alex, it was my fault.
Every time I come back, she's in some sort of bloody problem with you, Lovejoy! - Maybe you shouldn't go away so often! - I beg your pardon? - Look, stop it, both of you! Stop it! - It's Pereira we should be concentrating on.
- Pereira? - Alfredo Pereira.
- He's a leading international banker.
- Do you know him, Alex? He was involved in that World Bank Project for the development of the South American Indians.
Development? More like colonization.
- It was a scandal.
- What else? He was a founder member of the International Congress of Latin American Bankers.
ICLAB.
That's the one Jorge was investigating.
And old Alfredo's due at my place in one hour.
(Jane) But you both know the ring isn't there.
I'll bluff it out.
Look, I don't believe Pereira is involved with this.
I want to come with you.
No, I want you to stay here.
Jane needs you.
I need you.
I want you to both stay by the phone.
- Is she safe? - Yeah, she's back home.
- She's OK.
- Thank God for that.
- Where are you going, Eric? - We've got to take the safe back, Lovejoy.
Not yet, you're not.
- This is preposterous.
- Isn't it, Douglas? Come inside, senhor.
It's charming here.
I don't believe you've met.
Victoria Cavero, Alfredo Pereira.
- Senora.
- Senhor.
- Coffee, senhor? - Thank you, er, no coffee.
It's Brazilian.
These are colleagues of mine.
But shouldn't this be confidential? If you wish.
Mr.
Catchpole, you're security.
Would you mind going outside and securing? Thank you, Mr.
Catchpole.
- And the senora? - Oh, didn't I tell you? - Senora Cavero is the owner of the ring.
- Ah, forgive me, senora.
I'll go through the procedures.
I open the safe.
You view the merchandise.
Mr.
Rimmer pronounces.
We haggle and come to our conclusions.
I agree to that.
Ah.
Mr.
Catchpole - Make your mind up, Lovejoy.
- Mr.
Lovejoy.
Open the safe.
Yeah, but the - It's a prototype.
Very few on the market.
- I know.
I, er I have several.
They're very good.
(Device whistles) Now look here, Lovejoy, is this one of your jokes? Mr.
Catchpole, escort Mr.
Rimmer outside, please.
- But - This is none of your concern, Douglas.
- I can walk on my own.
- Just Would you like some breakfast, senhor? Help yourself.
What are you playing at? You knew the ring wasn't there.
You've already taken possession of it earlier this morning.
That's all right if it's your way of doing business, but you haven't paid for it.
I I am sorry, I, er I don't understand.
The price for what you already have is three million dollars.
- We want settlement now.
- Preposterous.
As Mr.
Rimmer would say.
Shall I call him in, and we'll make it public? Your allegation that I have this ring already, hm? - Based on? - A word.
Aliança.
That's Brazilian for ring.
- In Peru, it would have been - Anillo.
Your man in the horse box on the telephone.
(Latin accent) A little bit careless.
My man at the horse box? Huh! If it were not all so absurd, I should be getting angry with you.
You accuse me now of what precisely? Kidnap.
Death threats.
(Sighs) Mr.
Lovejoy.
I am here, keeping an appointment in good faith.
You have brought me on a wild-goose chase.
It appears you have no merchandise.
And now, if you will excuse me, I have a plane to catch.
Senora Cavero has a schoolfriend.
They were at Benenden together.
A certain Royal lady.
You probably know her.
She likes horses too.
She's going to phone her now, and tell her about our meeting at Windsor and the violence that you inflicted on their very good friend Jane Felsham, Lady Jane Felsham.
This phone call is our marker - for 3.
5 million.
- 3.
5? It just went up.
When you kidnapped Lady Felsham, you picked the wrong woman.
Make your call.
- Does she know the number? - Shh.
Hello, this is Senora Cavero.
I wonder if I could speak to Her Royal Highness's equerry, please.
Hello, who am I speaking to? Is that the residence of Her Royal Highness? (Jane) It isn't permitted for me to answer that.
Who are you? Hello? Yes, I'm afraid we had a crossed line.
This is Victoria Cavero.
No, please don't disturb her.
Will you tell her that I'm in England and I'd love to see her? Yes.
Thank you.
Phew! Before we go any further I think you owe me the courtesy of telling me who I'm dealing with.
Are your interests political, hm? Or purely mercenary? In South America, is there any distinction? Now, that is insulting.
We're talking about Indians, in your country and in mine.
I know of the problems in your country, senora, and of your concern for them.
But you, Mr.
Lovejoy, I see as someone merely out for what you can get.
So don't take the high moral ground with me.
I am sorry if I have offended you, senora.
To put the matter right and to assure you of my goodwill, I am prepared to make a contribution to your cause.
Whatever you call it, Pereira, it's still 3.
5 million.
You wanted the ring, you got it.
Now you pay for it.
Oh, the ring may be worthless.
Oh, do me a favor.
I am not prepared to go beyond a million.
- 3.
5.
- 1.
5.
and you can still play your little games with your friends in Windsor.
We both know what I'm selling, Pereira, and what you're buying, and it's not the ring.
Two million, my limit.
Cash check.
Now.
A word of advice, senora.
Don't go back to Peru.
(Lovejoy) Adiós, amigo.
- Now look here, Lovejoy - The deal's done, Douglas.
- Without the ring? How? - Sort of a miracle.
- But what about my commission? - Make sure he doesn't stop the check.
- Go on, Douglas, you'll miss your ride.
- Wait! - Just one small point, though.
- Hm? You asked 3 million for me, 3.
5 for Janey? I've known Janey longer.
Anyway, 3 million was a bit ambitious.
Two million for your campesinos, senora.
Thank you.
Oh, Lovejoy, I think I should tell you in case it rebounds on you, this Royal I'm supposed to be so friendly with, I left the term before she arrived.
- Really? - I never even met her.
(Lovejoy) Really.
Well, all that remains is for us to discuss my commission.
- Shall we talk over dinner? - Dinner? Oh, great, I'm starvin'.