Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e01 Episode Script

1 [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, man.
If I had chlamydia instead of my situation, I would welcome it.
I really don't think you would.
Come on.
A problem I can solve with one little pill? Yes, please.
- It's two pills, actually.
- Hmm.
- So are you all done now? - Yeah.
I've called or emailed or visited every single one of them.
You're gonna find the right person, Luke.
Any woman would Apparently, not any woman.
Any sane woman.
I mean, I'm crazy about you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Those big, brown eyes of yours.
Yeah, good eyes.
Dude, this is just bad timing.
See, what you're failing to do here is examine the broad sweep of history.
Consider: I asked Jo to marry me, and she broke up with me.
That's one girl.
And then I met a great girl, sort of perfect for me, actually, whose only downside really was she was already in a relationship.
With you.
- Look, if you'd said something - Then she died.
Probably couldn't have done anything about that.
- Hmm.
- Look, I do understand how some of this feels.
I mean, finding love, it's all heartbreak and disappointment and misery, until it isn't.
When did you know what you wanted? Is any of this about Dylan? Of course it's about Dylan.
[SIGHING.]
- Thanks for this.
- Of course.
Okay, ground rules.
We can sleep side by side or top and tail.
The choice is yours, but Daddy drives on the right-hand side of the road, baby girl.
Sounds good to me.
Also, full disclosure, I am an instinctive spooner.
If it happens, don't take it personally.
Is there anything I should know about you? Um I don't take up much room.
I don't snore.
Don't blind me with the positives here.
If we're sharing a bed, we need to get this shit locked down.
My feet sweat.
Okay? They get hotter than the rest of me.
What are we talking? Like, soaked mattress? Why don't we just top and tail? With your sweaty feet next to my face? I don't think so.
- I'll get you a plastic bag.
- I'm not bagging my feet! Okay, let's just move on, all right? Right, next item on the agenda.
If I bring someone back, I will drape a sock over the door handle.
You're gonna take off one of your socks in front of the girl? Yeah.
It's a kind of foreplay.
I'll work it in.
I imagine you keep your socks on to soak up the sweat, huh? What happens if you bring someone back, and I'm already asleep in here? Very good question.
Quid pro quo.
In that instance, I will carry you like a sleeping child to the sofa, thereupon I will put a single sock in your hand, so if you wake confused, you'll know what's going on.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm hoping to find a new place soon.
I just - got a whole life to put back together.
- Eves, you can stay as long as you want.
- Okay? I'm happy to have you.
- Thanks, dude.
Now, if I put two socks on the door handle Hey! Welcome home, again.
Thanks.
Eves is gonna hunker down with me for a little while.
- How are you doing? - No, not ready with the talking yet.
Loud and clear.
- Haircut? - Oh, yeah.
- Abigail did it.
What do you think? - About time, dude.
Let's brunch.
Did Luke warn you about the spooning? I have been fully briefed.
Yeah, we went camping this one time.
In the morning, I thought I might need to take a pregnancy test.
We pitched on a slope.
It's gravity's fault I ended up on top of you.
I'm gonna get some pepper spray.
So, what's everyone doing this weekend? Evading Luke between midnight and dawn.
But apart from that, I'm free.
Are we sans plans? Well, the baby is developing fingerprints and its basic facial muscles.
Apart from that, we're free.
- What's the proposition? - A literary festival.
Is that like a normal festival, but gone badly wrong? I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea, but if I am gonna get fat and grow a beard, I'd appreciate a little bit more notice, Dyl.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Do we bring books or are we assigned books when we get there? Abigail has a short story in the running for a prize.
So I thought we could, you know, show some interest.
That's cool.
She was writing when I met her.
[LUKE.]
Hang on a second, this could be great.
There are gonna be clever women there and stuff, right? Yeah, these days many women know how to read.
It's opened up a lot of weekend events for us.
Yeah, yeah, I can picture it now.
I'm in bed with some woman, and we're both just reading.
We're hardly having sex at all.
It's like a proper relationship.
- So, you're interested? - Oh, I am interested, Dylan, yes.
I'm gonna go grab myself a slice of that high-class lady pie.
Hmm.
Say those exact words and watch the offers roll in.
Yeah.
[ANGUS EXCLAIMING.]
Look, look! There's a talk about the dissolution of the monasteries at one.
Oh, the dissolution was fascinating.
One man in 50 was part of a religious order.
Sounds like you already know quite a lot about it, Angus.
Oh! The added bonus with the monasteries talk is we'd miss James Hamilton.
- What? - You don't like James Hamilton? I may be thinking of a different James Hamilton.
Basement Angels is incredible.
Exactly.
Not that guy.
Love that guy.
Luke, any plans? I'm headin' for the real deal, baby.
I'm leveling up from dating apps to tents full of lady poets.
Did you know swiping left is also how you turn book pages? - [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
- Hi.
Yeah, thanks for calling me back.
Um I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to cancel you.
No, it's not just you.
The wedding's been called off.
Um No offense, but it might be a bit weird if you DJ just for me.
Yeah, I'm really sorry, but, yeah, I've got to go.
And kill myself.
How are you doing? Ah! Well, the usual.
'Cause I was thinking, it's maybe not that easy for you, is it, being out with two couples after breaking up with Mal? - It's fine.
- I wondered Please.
Don't.
Okay.
I want what you guys have, the big love.
Well, yes.
- It is very nice.
- Really nice.
- What's nice? - Being in love and stuff.
Yes.
That stuff is cool, yeah.
I've got my competition announcement to get to.
Sounds great.
- Luke, Evie, want to come? - I promised Luke I'd go to his thing.
So, if you really do like James Hamilton, will you come to his book signing with me? - I would obviously love to.
- Yeah? Luke.
Shall we? Yeah.
[CHATTERING.]
Abigail's great, isn't she? Yeah, Abigail's great.
Me and Dylan had seven years to figure things out and, somehow, I ballsed it up.
Maybe she deserves a go? He's not a fairground ride.
You don't have to queue politely.
I don't know.
Promise me, no more quiet suffering from either of you.
What do you mean, from either of us? I'm just saying there's a big, noisy suffering or no suffering at all.
Right, here we go.
What was her fiancé like? Mal? He was nice.
Quite straight.
In furniture terms, he'd be a very solid table.
Reliable but quite functional.
- You're such a bitch.
- I quite liked him.
All I have to do is write an amazing poem, and these girls are gonna flock to me.
- To your Byronic charms.
- Yeah! To my what charms? That doesn't bode well.
Have you ever read a poem? Well, greetings cards, mostly.
- Tell me, are there many female poets? - Yes.
Okay, like who? - Emily Dickinson? Anne Sexton? - Sure.
Sure.
- Sylvia Plath? - Consider that blank filled in.
Okay.
Help me write something from the heart.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, what is in your heart, Luke? What is in my heart? Uh A sort of quiet desperation that things will never work out? Good.
Write that.
I want to intrigue these girls.
I don't want to sound depressed.
Poetry is depressing.
That's the point of it.
Look at the moon.
It's so silvery.
Life is fleeting.
Here comes the grave.
It's kind of all about sadness and tragedy.
Her poem's about a river.
The river was a metaphor for her depression.
It led to the sea.
The sea meant death.
Jesus.
[CHATTERING.]
- Are you nervous? - Yes! I am literally being judged.
I need a wee.
[ABIGAIL.]
Andi had worked at the bar for the best part of three years.
The bar really had chewed up the best parts.
All of the nights, most of the weekends, and for what? Hey! I was reading that! I know! I can see! I thought it was quite good so far.
"Quite.
" The qualifying word every author longs to hear.
If you let me finish reading it, "quite" could easily turn into a "very.
" - Can I - Can you just leave it? All right.
Sorry, yeah.
- It's a long queue.
- That's because he writes great books.
Who's this one to? Probably not good for the baby, is it, you standing up for so long? We could go to a seated event instead.
Some kind of talk? I'm fine.
Why do you hate his books so much? Oh, it's not that.
I just I read the first 30 pages of one and thought, "Wow, it's like the Maroon 5 of literature.
" I love Maroon 5.
- Can we at least agree they're divisive? - No, they rock! They do many things, but absolutely do not rock.
They are the James Hamilton of pop music.
Well, that sounds like a good thing.
I'm suddenly afraid of our forthcoming baby names conversation.
Well, I was thinking, James Hamilton if it's a boy and Maroon if it's a girl.
Little Maroon 5 Baker.
Wait, why Baker? That's my surname.
Is it? Hey.
Great event.
Oh, thanks.
- Are you gonna read? - Absolutely.
Quietly, in a corner.
[CHUCKLES.]
- How was your first time? - That's an intimate question.
- No, I meant up on the - I know.
My first reading was terrifying, but also really cool, - Oh.
- and it's a supportive crowd.
Up for it? Yes.
For sure.
For sure.
Yeah, I was actually kind of hoping that Sylvia Plath might be here today.
You mean the next Sylvia Plath? The real deal.
If she wasn't indisposed [EXHALES.]
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a pity about that, isn't it? Well, I look forward to hearing your piece.
I quite like Anne Sexton as well.
Any chance of her putting in an appearance? Yeah, very good.
I get it.
A plain cheese sandwich.
- That would be your last meal? - Yeah.
I can't imagine I'd be very hungry, and I like cheese.
The last thing you ate and you wouldn't even want a dab of pickle with it? Nope.
I like it plain.
Thoughts on Picasso? - Car or artist? - Either.
- No strong opinion.
- Brilliant.
One of three finalists.
- That's a big deal! Right? - Yeah.
Well, I don't really know how I feel about it.
It means reading in front of people.
You'll be great.
I'm just I'm really looking forward to Look, I know you want to be supportive, and that is really nice.
It's just I'm already nervous about reading it out loud and having you there.
I wouldn't make faces at you.
I I will be looking at you the whole time, trying to tell what you're thinking.
- It's a lot of pressure on your face.
- I'll, uh I'll put a bag on my head.
Look, I'm really excited I really feel that this is something I need to do on my own.
Hey, can we catch up later? I better go practice.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Hey.
Well done.
[SIGHS.]
You should have told me they're dead.
I've just been asking if they're attending the festival.
Yeah, they both committed suicide in the '60s and '70s.
Okay, how about Emily Dickinson? How's she doing? - She died over 100 years ago.
- So not great, then.
Good.
Here's the person we need for poetry, Mr.
Soppy Feelings himself.
That old chestnut.
- What's going on? - Luke's trying to write a poem.
- Well, what have you got so far? - Nothing.
- What do you want to write about? - Nothing, really.
- How do you feel? - Bit horny, bit lost.
Think you could you make any of that rhyme? I think we're over-complicating this.
I just need something simple to open a conversation with that girl other than poets who died without anyone telling me.
Okay, hold that thought.
How's Abigail? She's good.
She's down to the final three.
What's the story about? Uh, well, so far as I can tell, it's about a woman who works in a bar.
Oh.
Not a massive stretch for her, then.
It's so weird that you met her before I did.
Yeah.
We drank a million cocktails and plotted getting rid of her boyfriend.
Getting rid of? Break up with.
Not murder.
[CHUCKLES.]
He was a chef or something.
What else did you guys talk about? Not much.
Just stuff.
Maybe you'll end up being friends.
Maybe.
- Hi.
- What would you like me to sign? To Holly, please.
- Looks well-thumbed.
- I've read it loads.
It's easily your best one.
Not a very original opinion.
Oh, um - I like your others as well.
- If it helps, I'm not a fan of it.
- Have you read the new one? - Yes, I've started it.
- How long ago? - A month ago? Most people read it in three days.
If you enjoy a book, that's generally how long it takes.
I'm not being a dick.
- It's just every sentence costs me.
- For which you get paid.
- Oh, oh! You missed putting "To Holly.
" - Well, she missed reading my book.
"For Holly, best wishes, James Hamilton.
" That could have been the only decent sentence you write all year.
- Okay.
Move along.
- You want my opinion? Your work makes book burning seem a socially acceptable thing to do.
Security! [SCOFFS.]
As if you have bouncers at a literary festival! Oh, well, fancy that! What is it with us and bouncers? Hey, guys.
My name's Luke, and this is a heartfelt piece that I finished very recently, actually.
[INAUDIBLE.]
"The door bangs shut behind me.
An empty closet.
Nothing hanging there.
I will not hang there.
And now I face the room and find a face like mine.
A mirror to me.
I find lips, a kiss, the echo of my own stiffening.
" Cheers, guys.
Thank you.
Thanks for supporting the arts.
Did Luke just come out of the closet? I think he did.
Not too sexy? - Yeah, yeah.
Where did that come from? - What do you mean? Like, what feelings were you exploring? [CHUCKLING.]
Thought you meant where did I get it from.
I stole it from the Internet.
"The echo of my own stiffening"? Weird line, isn't it? Like my erection made noise as it went up.
You don't think it's some other guy also with a hard-on? No! No, no, no, no.
Why would I write/steal something like that? The only thing is there's the one about the closet.
A closet's an American wardrobe, isn't it? The closet? - The "closet" closet? - "Closet" closet.
[DYLAN.]
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's not ideal.
Where does this leave me? As either a brave, young homosexual or a plagiarist.
- Or both.
- Okay.
Okay, and if I went and explained? Uh, which aspect? Looking at the positives.
It seemed to go down pretty well.
I'm not sure what to do with it yet.
- It was very courageous.
- It was emotional.
It was important.
Great.
Is there anything else I should understand about my own poem? I think we do have a lot in common.
- The mathematics.
- The baby.
- The chemistry.
- Oh! And how! Maybe we should just agree never to discuss books or music together.
Or art or movies or food.
Maybe gloss over the news.
I think this is gonna work out just fine.
Certainly agree on that.
Hey, you.
Um, I just wanted to be clear that the gay themes and the suicidal themes are just a metaphor.
A metaphor for Well, for being an upbeat, fun guy, really.
It's less about me being the things in the poem than me thinking, "Wow! Imagine being gay and feeling bad and then having sex and feeling better.
" I'm glad I'm not that guy.
I am not that guy! Yeah.
'Cause the use of the personal pronoun - Which one? - "I.
" - You - The word "I" is the personal pronoun.
- Yes, it is.
- Using it made the piece sound quite autobiographical.
I think I've cleared that up.
Do you want to go get a drink? Though it couldn't have been autobiographical to you, given Richard Vaserman wrote it.
I've read it before.
Okay, I may not be gay, per se.
You know, but we've all felt emotions, haven't we? And we've all used words.
When you look at it through that lens, was it theft or was it art? - It was theft.
- It was theft.
"O what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
" Hey, that rhymes.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm guessing you don't want that drink.
Not even a spritzer? See, I think it's the poem's fault for being confusing in the first place.
Hmm.
Poetry isn't about making a bullet point list of facts.
"I'm gay.
I'm out.
I've got an erection.
" That sounds like a very compelling poem.
Drinks? Uh No, I'm just I'm gonna There's a thing I want to - I could do another event if you - It's just It's a quick, quick thing We'll keep your pint warm for you.
Because they're normally cold.
[CHUCKLES.]
Maybe she'd have liked something you actually wrote.
Yeah, well, I tried.
I had nothing.
Hmm.
So, what was the best-case scenario? She ends up thinking you're a writer, then you have to spend your life grudgingly trying to write sonnets? Maybe.
You know, for the right person Dude, you're not a pretentious poem type of guy.
You dress yourself up in fancy phrases.
You are Luke.
And you like spooning and origami and waffles.
And some three-socks-on- the-door-handle kind of girl is out there waiting for you.
What about you? Because the same applies.
You gonna tell him the truth, or you just gonna go on with this other thing you're doing? Uh There's such a thing as timing.
- Lame.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I know.
" Olivia leaned over the bar, over the pool of stray ice cubes that had once been her mojito.
'We'll tell your chef that you and me are lovers.
That way you get to stay working here without it being an issue.
' Andi thought for a moment.
'I feel like I owe you a solution to your thing now.
Are you sure you're in love with him?' 'I think so, ' said Olivia.
'He's my best friend, so it's complicated.
' 'Have you ever slept together?' 'The first night we met.
At a party.
' 'And how was it?' 'Oh, my God.
I can't even Like ' Olivia trailed off and sank her head onto the bar.
Andi smiled.
'But in a good way?' she asked.
[INAUDIBLE.]
[ABIGAIL.]
Andi thought for a moment.
'It's the neck smell, isn't it?' said Andi.
'It's either amazing or it's just a neck.
' Olivia nodded, and tried to stand up, holding onto the bar for support.
But the world had turned to liquid and left her bobbing around in it.
" You know what I struggle with? [INHALING DEEPLY.]
So many things.
Baking, text messages, the German language With women.
I mean, with people.
I don't think we ever really know each other.
I mean, not not fully.
And how can you love someone entirely when you can't know them entirely? There might always be something there, waiting to break your heart out of nowhere.
That's why I don't like swimming in the sea.
I know, in theory, we're a long way from great white sharks.
But technically, there's nothing but water between us and them and they're very accomplished swimmers.
That's what you're saying about girls, isn't it? You think you're happy and then [CHOMPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Something bites you in half.
Sort of.
I'm just saying relationships are difficult.
Especially if they don't love you.
Yeah, that would be a problem.
Men reading fashion magazines Oh, what a world it seems we live in Straight men Oh, what a world we live in Why am I always on a plane â™ â™ Or a fast train? Oh, what a world my parents gave me