Mad Men s03e01 Episode Script

Do you know how hard I've prayed? Why does he make me suffer? - God will give you a child.
- Let me see her.
- So you killed another one.
- 'Cause you had nothing to do with this.
Maybe you ought to stay off her once in a while.
Get out, you witch! I've got 85, and my boots are off.
You don't have a sheath.
I'll get one, but that'll be another quarter, and this is all I have.
Go wash yourself.
You get me in trouble and I'm gonna cut your dick off and boil it in hog fat.
I'm gonna cut his dick off I'm gonna cut his dick off and boil it in hog fat.
What was that, sweetheart? I'm cold.
Do you want to hold him? I'm gonna cut his dick off and boil it in hog fat.
- It's midnight.
What do you want? - I told you God would give you a child.
Whose is it? Is your husband home? God is giving you a child.
His name is Dick, after a wish his mother should've lived to see.
Come on.
Drink this.
You know, there's no point in both of us not sleeping.
- She wakes up at night when I drop off.
- You so sure it's a girl? Well, believe me, she knows what she wants.
I packed your valise.
- I could have done that.
- Well, you'll get a chance.
The clasp is broken.
Carla said she saw Sally hitting it with a hammer.
She's taken to your tools like a little lesbian.
Am I ever going to sleep again? At least you don't look tired.
I just want everything to be perfect.
I want her to come into our home at its best.
Close your eyes.
- You're on a warm, sandy beach - Because I'm a whale.
You're on a warm, sandy beach.
You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil.
And as you slide your hands through that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair You're good at this.
Lola? Lola.
Hello? Yes, but on occasion, you have to resign yourself to sleeping where you are.
That's why they sell subway tokens, silly.
Lola.
- You're looking lovely today.
- Thank you.
Are you here to see me? No, I'm just verifying some information.
Thank you, Lola.
He just always stops by concerning the strangest things.
- Yesterday it was my engagement ring.
- Enough, Lola.
You know there's something about the way he talks.
I could listen to him read the phonebook.
Well, when he gets to "S," I need Howard Sullivan at Lever Brothers.
Remarkable.
I picked it for its sensuality, but it also, in some way, reminds me of our business.
Who is the man who imagined her ecstasy? Who indeed? - We were just talking about you.
- Burt's on his way.
Where's Roger? Probably taking another Grecian treasure out of its crate.
I apologize for Baltimore.
It has to be done.
It's a sales call.
Isn't there more I can do here? It's not a sales call.
You're the face of our business.
They need someone they can trust.
London Fog.
How ludicrous.
- Really? I have one.
- So do I.
No, of course.
It's just the name.
There is no fog in London.
There is no London fog.
- Are you sure about that? - Quite.
Never was.
It was the coal dust from the industrial era.
Charles Dickens and whatnot.
Mr.
Cooper, Mr.
Peterson is here to see you.
- Come on in, Burt.
- Hey, Don.
Bert, Lane.
- We need you to have a seat, Burt.
- Okay.
You got a blindfold, too? This isn't easy.
- It really isn't.
- Oh, God.
I really thought I'd made it.
I know it's unkind, but it's generous and it's fair.
- Well, why the hell did you wait so long? - It was brought to our attention that your wife was undergoing radiation.
We thought it decent to wait.
That was decent.
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything? Sad meeting.
Sorry about that.
It wasn't easy.
- We'll see how you do without my Rolodex.
- We're going to take that risk.
You make me sick.
You're the dying empire.
- We're the future.
- Burt, control yourself.
- No, I'm the head of accounts, damn it! - I'm sure we'll regret it.
I'm serious.
See you on the breadlines, fellas.
Is that the last of it? Because I don't like how much I'm getting used to these.
I don't know anything you don't know.
You understand there's no point ever in making over $40,000 when you'll be taxed 69%? You're working for them.
And God forbid you really make it.
Everything over 70 grand is 81%.
- Even if you're married? - Fellow comrades in mediocrity, I want you to listen very carefully.
You can all go straight to hell.
I heard he's going in-house at Nabisco.
- You're sure it's not starting again? - Mr.
Campbell's office.
- What? - I'll let him know.
- The firings.
- Mr.
Campbell, Mr.
Pryce wants to see you.
- I'm at lunch.
- I'll bring you a doggy bag.
Holy crap.
You couldn't have pulled me aside to say that? I'm sure it's nothing.
How the hell am I supposed to live like this? Drop dead, you limey vulture! Son of a bitch! I assume you can continue to handle this beautifully while I dispense psychotherapy to the girls in the pool.
You Americans don't know how to handle your emotions.
It's unbecoming.
His wife is sick.
And if you had talked to his girl, she would've informed him.
So he would've had a longer walk to Mr.
Cooper's? And if you had talked to me, I would have been waiting with his coat and his Rolodex.
While we're on the topic of decorum, I'd like to speak with you about the way I'm being addressed.
Could you be more specific? The switchboard.
I'm not John.
I'm Mr.
Hooker.
That's the way they've been taught to address the secretaries.
Yes, well, as I've explained, in Great Britain A truck is a lorry and an elevator is a lift.
I've got it, Mr.
Hooker.
Despite your title, you are not a secretary.
- I'm Mr.
Pryce's right arm.
I'm not his typist.
- Of course.
Good luck, everybody.
Good luck! I assume you will let him know when Mr.
Peterson has left the building.
- How are we today? - Very well, thank you.
- Burt Peterson's left the agency.
- Really? Yes.
I can't speak for everyone here, but I like you.
- And I like you.
- But you don't know me.
But I will make that effort, if given the opportunity.
Pardon? I apologize that I haven't been more welcoming, socially.
It seemed until your wife arrives I didn't want to make it awkward with a threesome.
Although, now that I think of it, perhaps your being alone is all the more reason I should've offered my hospitality.
- Do have a seat.
- Why? Is something wrong? I don't know.
You just removed the head of my department, and now you're offering me a chair.
How cruel of me.
I wanted to inform you that you're now head of accounts.
- Excuse me? - It seemed like the right thing to do, despite your lack of hospitality.
The specifics are pending, as is the announcement.
Is this really happening? I need to know it's certain.
Yes, but - Wonderful.
Thank you.
- Splendid.
- Well, it turns out things are splendid.
- That's good.
Could you get my wife on the phone? I have Mrs.
Campbell for you.
- How are you, sweetheart? - What are you doing? I know I told you this morning.
I'm having luncheon, with the Docents' committee from the Met.
- How are they? - Since when do you care? Since I was made head of accounts.
- No! - Yes.
Oh, my goodness! Peter, that's wonderful! It really is.
I knew it would happen one day for real.
- I love the sound of your voice right now.
- That's because I'm already drunk.
Good for you.
Just one more minute.
My husband got some good news.
- Make a reservation.
Surprise me.
- Okay.
- I should call my mother.
- Peter.
Don't go to the well.
There's no water there.
I don't even know if I'm getting a raise.
I didn't ask.
I forgot.
That's very noble.
You see? One doesn't need money to be fulfilled.
Don't let those ladies from the Met hear you say that.
- I should go.
- Bye.
Sorry to interrupt your lunch.
I heard you wanted to see me, so I grabbed a sandwich.
- What can I do for you? - Mr.
Peterson's left the agency.
If that's your news, I think you've been scooped.
So you've heard? Let's just say he did not "go gentle into that good night.
" So you're probably wondering where that leaves you.
- Should I be worried? - No, I should say not.
We're making you head of accounts.
Spectacular.
Thanks a lot.
We're charting the course of transition right now.
There are many details to come.
I wouldn't be much of an account man if I didn't ask what it pays.
I wouldn't be much of a financial officer if I wasn't prepared to disappoint you.
It's 21, but we'll reevaluate this year.
Ken, this is not for broadcast.
There'll be a formal announcement.
Great.
You believe this? What is the world coming to? - That is a big bottle.
- That's not a bottle.
That's his date.
- "My, oh, my, what a big bottle you have.
" - "I'm sorry, honey, but I'm taken.
"I just pawned my typewriter so we could be together all weekend.
" The captain's about to announce our descent into Friendship.
Quick refill? I don't know.
Don't you need something to run the plane? - And what about you, Mr.
Hofstadt? - Excuse me? I took a look at your luggage.
You're William Hofstadt? Bill.
Call me Bill.
And this is my associate, Mr.
Fleischmann.
- Sam.
- Shelley.
- Are you headed to Baltimore or DC? - Baltimore.
Well, how about that? We're heading to Hausner's for dinner.
You should've been in line two hours ago if you want to eat by 8:00.
Lorelei has made some inroads with the maitre d'.
Well, we have to check in, and we have an early meeting.
- Where are you staying? - The Belvedere.
Well, this is too much.
Us, too.
Now you have to take someone else's luggage.
Bill Hoffman's.
Hofstadt.
My brother-in-law.
He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people's things.
I've flown a few times, but I've never actually seen a stewardess that game.
Really? This is your captain Hello, Kenny.
Any plans tonight? All I know is to avoid Grand Central.
I heard Burt Peterson's still at the bar.
Oh, no.
It had to happen, I guess.
He didn't put up much of a fight.
Not counting today, I mean.
- It's a tough job.
- No doubt about that.
I just want to let you know, I've always been a big fan of your work, and I've been very vocal about it.
I appreciate that.
Maybe now things will finally settle down.
That's true.
Listen, I just want to say that through all of this, I know that you were there reminding me that I can do this job.
Well, you're welcome.
I guess it's because I think you can.
- Have a good night.
- You, too.
And my friend and I were listening to some radio program, and we had this huge bag of Fritos We're not allowed in uniform So, at some point my friend stops eating, but I can't.
And I ate all of them and I got so It was quite unladylike.
- And I still can't eat them to today.
- Too much of a good thing.
It happens.
I think accounting sounds fascinating.
Going through other people's bank accounts? It sounds sexy.
Jesus, Lorelei, how deep did you have to dig to come up with that? Why would you insult a man's profession? No, it's okay.
I don't usually tell people I'm an accountant.
Listen, Billy, Sam, I didn't mean to insult your profession.
Don't sweat it.
Of course, you do know there are different kinds of accountants.
Are there? - Tell them what we do.
- I don't know, Bill.
- I'm gonna have to swear you all to secrecy.
- You can't guarantee that.
You're right.
Well, someone just brought everything to a screeching halt.
We'll be good.
You ever heard of James Hoffa? You know, I don't just throw away newspapers every day, I also read them.
There is a lot of money missing.
And they don't really keep receipts.
- So you're a couple of G-men? - No, we're accountants.
Isn't the service exquisite? I'm based in New York.
I'd always rather be there, but it's my job to be out of town.
I don't know.
I keep going to a lot of places and ending up somewhere I've already been.
- How about a nightcap? - Well, I don't know.
Your face is red.
Order for us.
Felt self-conscious there for a moment.
We're the only ones without a uniform.
- Good night, Bill.
- Sam.
Shelley, it's been swelly.
- Well, this is me.
- Let me see if it's different than my floor.
What are we doing? I don't know.
I'm engaged.
On the other hand, you might be my last chance.
I've been married a long time.
You get plenty of chances.
It's my birthday.
Really? Is it? It really is.
Let me see your driver's license.
That's not gonna help.
Happy birthday.
Hello.
My air conditioner does not work.
It is stagnant in here.
Take your hand out.
I can't breathe.
Stand up.
Lorelei thinks you look like Ty Power.
Remember him? Go on.
And while you're distracted, I'm gonna take off my shoes.
Is that okay? Your turn.
Not yet.
Do you like? Everyone's always asking me if I was a model, but I wasn't.
The one I have at home is different.
Hope I didn't break it.
No, it's fine.
Just a minute.
Thank you.
Airplane.
Oh, God.
Jesus.
- What is that? - Fire alarm.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Forget your shoes.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Do you have another cigarette? Everything's okay, folks.
- Morning.
- Morning.
You ever get nervous wearing that on the subway? I don't ride the subway.
I do worry about being followed, though.
I think Lola takes a horse and buggy.
She's never on time.
- I'm not at work yet.
- I don't want to sit in my office and listen to someone talk about their water retention.
- Peggy, brides are very self-conscious.
- Lf she's so worried about getting married, then why is she shamelessly flirting with Moneypenny all the time? - Don't call him that.
He hates that.
- Are you defending him? He's repellant.
Reminds me of a doorman.
And the typing she does for him? Oh, God, I'm so glad I'm gonna be out of here soon.
- That's very comforting, Joan.
- There's nothing I can do.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Pryce just called.
There's a meeting for the heads of accounts immediately.
Excuse me? Mr.
Pryce called a big meeting for you and Mr.
Cosgrove.
What are you talking about? Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to see you.
I'm just here to show you the continuity of our service.
That with or without Burt Peterson, you are on our mind.
- I apologize.
- Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano.
I don't know how, but I left my plane ticket at the hotel.
He's the guy with the marker who always does what I say.
Words, pictures.
- Sal, this is Howard.
- Pleasure.
- I don't remember Do you have a family? - Not yet.
I have a wife.
Well, Howard is my son.
He's gonna be part of this from now on, starting with taking you two gentlemen on a tour.
That's it? You're not gonna say anything? My father is extremely concerned about the business right now.
Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don't want to take credit for everything, but two of every three raincoats sold last year had "London Fog" stitched on the inside pocket.
Dad is worried that everyone who's ever going to buy a raincoat already has one.
Because a business has to get bigger every year.
That's capitalism.
Well, our worst fears lie in anticipation.
That's not me, that's Balzac.
Balzac, huh? You are not Burt Peterson.
I've been investigating umbrellas, bags, hats.
There are companies that all they do is make hats.
London Fog is a 40-year-old brand that sounds like it's existed forever.
You've established, with our help, that it means one thing, raincoats.
New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain.
That's true.
Let's see if we can find you some earplugs.
Bacardi, Belle Jolie, Birds Eye, Cadbury, Campbell Soup International, Cartwright double-sided aluminum, Chevron oil, Dunkin' Donuts, General Foods Europe, Kodak, Lever Brothers, Martinsons, Popsicle, Relaxacisor, Rio De Janeiro, which is dormant, United Fruit, Warner Brothers.
And now for Mr.
Campbell.
Admiral Television, Alpine Real Estate, Bethlehem Steel, Con Ed, Gillette, Gorton's, Liberty Capital Savings, Lucky Strike, Maytag, North American Aviation, P&G Pampers, Playtex, Samsonite, Secor Laxatives, Snyder's Ketchup, Utz.
- Why does he have Utz? - Some of this was done based on accounts, and some of this was done based on relationships, and you figure out what happened with Utz.
So you decided all of this? Forty-two cents of every dollar at this agency is spent in the television department, but no, we did.
- What are these "O's" for? - Olson.
- She's all over the place.
- You know that's not true.
You're each taking half the company.
Of course it's possible someone could distinguish themselves.
Would be easier that way.
- Can you believe this? - Lf you're upset, you seem to be hiding it.
I'm excited.
I mean, I feel badly about Burt Peterson.
Three kids, wife with cancer.
But you greased up the chute and shoved him down it.
What could possibly be the matter? Why did you even accept this? You have no interest in this.
- Why wouldn't I want this? - Because you're no good.
They want us to hate each other.
I refuse to participate in that.
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Look at you.
Never break a sweat.
You're right, I should just lay down and we should run together, holding hands.
- What time is it? - 1:15.
- We should be back in the office by 3:00.
- We're going back to the office? I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be completely honest with me.
London Fog.
It's a subway car, and there's a commuter looking up.
There's a girl with her back to us.
She's wearing one of those short tan ones, but it's open.
Her legs are bare.
We know what he's seeing.
"Limit your exposure.
" That's it.
Good.
Mr.
Hooker, may I speak with you? I thought it was a good idea that PPL had an office for when visitors come.
Of course, it would make sense for someone to be occupying it in the meantime.
I rustled up an office for you.
I hope you find it appropriate to your status.
My position.
It's near Mr.
Pryce.
It's not exactly in the thick of things, but you will have someone to attend to your typing, to avoid you siphoning off the man-hours.
- My own girl? Of my choosing? - I will have a lineup.
Did he take the ant farm? No, it's actually Mr.
Cooper's.
It just lives there.
Hello, sweetheart.
Now, don't be cross.
I'll only be a minute.
- Do you have a fever? - No.
"The buck stops here," unless it stops over there.
What's the matter? There's two heads of accounts.
Kenny Cosgrove and I are sharing it.
- I'm so sorry.
- I was sitting there and they just read off a list of names, a list of companies.
That's my life.
I know you won't like hearing this, but you're a lot like my father.
You're an ambitious man, and an ambitious man is never happy with what he has.
Why does it always have to be like this? Why can't I get anything good all at once? This is an amazing opportunity.
They believe in you.
Don't turn it sour.
It's a test.
Why not just cut it short and tell them I want it? You can do whatever you want, but they do not want to hear your outrage.
- They want you to beat Ken.
- I know what they want, Trudy.
And honestly, I don't know.
I can't live with this! But you'll try.
It's great.
It's a great ad.
So, how was everything in Baltimore? Out of town.
Don Draper.
- It was first class.
- Go on.
Two old married men.
There was a fire in the hotel, but no casualties.
That's too bad.
For casting this lucky fellow in the subway, what's he look like? I don't know.
A little excited.
A little shocked.
- No, what's he look like? - Handsome.
Your girl's gone.
I have Stolichnaya and Cuban cigars.
I sent them from Greece.
I should've tried a pound of opium.
Help yourself.
So, Cosgrove versus Campbell.
Is Cooper playing God or Darwin? I know it sounds Japanese, but it's not Cooper.
Lane read about it in some management book? I think it came from the home office.
When he told me about it, I thought he was joking.
I told him it was a stupid idea, but they don't always get our inflection.
- Can I speak with you for a moment? - Come in.
What? I I just wanted to let you both know how honored I am with this promotion.
Help yourself.
Not the Stoli.
Hello.
Mr.
Campbell, I was going to tell Don, but I can tell you myself.
I have an old pal at the mayor's office that wants to do a small campaign for I don't know, something about Penn Station.
It'd be my pleasure.
Bert? Is there any brandy? Any glass will do.
I told him that despite life under British rule, we still had a real Yankee.
I don't care what they say.
London Fog is a great name.
I like the ants.
There's no shortage of distractions here.
Now, if we can find a proper pub, we'll have everything.
Why do you have this office? I thought it was necessary that we have a place for when superiors visit.
Of course, it would make sense for someone to occupy it in the meantime.
It's a harebrained idea.
We just fired one third of their workforce.
It's unseemly to go through their pockets as well.
A visitor's office is good, but you sit out front.
Of course.
It was presumptuous.
- This place is a gynocracy.
- Hadn't noticed.
My only point is, if you decide to take the train tomorrow and you run into Carlton, I told them we were busy.
Our stories are straight.
Sally has something to tell you.
Sally! I got it out of her.
Out.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry I broke your suitcase.
Find out how much it is to repair, and it'll come out of your allowance.
- I don't have an allowance.
- Then don't break things.
I just thought I just didn't want you to go.
Come here.
I will always come home, and you'll always be my girl.
- Your eyes look tired.
- I don't sleep well when I'm not here.
You squint too much.
You need reading glasses.
Daddy, Daddy! Are these for me? - Yes.
- Give me that.
It's a stickpin.
There you go.
- Was I really in there? - Nine months.
Tell me about the day I was born.
Well, it was the middle of the night, and it was raining very hard.
And I had just come home from work.
He did not feel like getting back in the car, but he did.
He took my suitcase and my little stuffed Eeyore that I knew I was going to give you.