Malcolm in the Middle s03e01 Episode Script
Houseboat (1)
Let's get some more.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # And you're not so big! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # And you're not so big! # Life is unfair # We're not renting the fanciest place here but I have a place to work on my cliff diving.
Wow Roxy's sharing a houseboat with Stevie's family on a man-made lake by the power plant.
I don't want to meet the girl that would impress.
Do not touch! I'm not! Hal, let me see you bathing suit.
No.
The ones you picked out are too big and baggy.
Baggy is good.
It's less surface area I have to shave.
I like the little ones.
No.
You always pop out.
I do not.
That was one time.
The Kenarbans are conservative people.
We'll be in very close quarters with them.
Get the baggy ones.
Let me show you something.
Not the suit in the egg.
Don't say anything till you see it.
Watch out! > (CLATTERING) Dewey Can I see that spear gun? Sure.
Now, don't tell me this doesn't do somethin' for ya.
(GASPS) I-I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife.
You see, my wife has the exact same shape (GASPS) (GASPS) So when you and I get back, you know, if you wanted, maybe I could give you a call.
Maybe.
Psst! > Psst! Psst! (LAUGHS) Whoa.
Look at that guy.
Psst! Psst! Do you know him? Who? That nutcase? Of course not.
Help me choose a surf board.
OK.
(Malcolm!) Oh For the love of! Oh! Excuse me.
Oh! God, it's not me, it's the suit.
I am a normal person! I'm here with my family.
My son is Malcolm! Come with me.
I know how this looks but I'm telling you Malcolm! No! No! This is a complete misunderstanding.
Dude, where were you? If Spangler finds out you blew off drill practise, he'll kill you.
I'm not afraid of him now.
Why aren't you in uniform? I'm leavin'.
I'm outta here.
You can't just leave.
Yes, I can.
I just turned 18, I'm legally an adult and no-one can tell me what to do! I'm outta here! You're not gonna graduate?! I'm going to Alaska.
Francis, it's crazy up there.
You can make $45 an hour working on oil rigs or logging camps and you don't even need a diploma.
Wait! $45 an hour? That's with room and board.
You work a couple of years and you're set for life.
Somethin' to remember me by.
Do you realise how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? Mom, please! I feel terrible.
I completely understand what I did.
I sold out my own father for a girl.
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
We both agree I'm a terrible person.
For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't even give you the time of day! That's your gratitude?! Maybe I'm the good one after all.
Here, Mom.
For your throat.
I put a little honey in it.
One vacation a year and this is how you start it! (PHONE RINGS) You go and make it right! Hello? Dad's probably not that mad at me.
I mean, it's not like I shoved him in the squad car.
Dad, can I talk to you? Er, no.
not right now.
I'm kinda busy.
Reese, can you help me? Sure, Dad.
I love to be helpful.
Can you close the door? Absolutely not, Francis! "You're not listening.
" I can make $45 an hour.
That's more than you or Dad makes.
You are going to graduate from high school.
Why spend the tuition? It's a waste of money.
We both know I'm failing.
OK, now we both know.
Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it.
If you flunk out, you'll do another year! You just can't stand the fact I'd make more money than you! (CRASHING) Argh! Whoa.
That was close.
(SMASHING) Oh, look at all this lovely scenery and nature.
This will be wonderful.
Dear, did you pack my hat? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
You should have asked me to.
No problem.
I'll just create one out of newspaper.
Everything OK? Everything's wonderful.
We're on vacation.
The whole drive up here Dad wouldn't look at me.
I just wish I could take those two minutes back.
That's the King Of The Seas? (SCREAMING) No TV! There's no TV! There's no TV! There's no TV! (CHUCKLES) There's your TV.
I don't see any TV.
Excuse me.
OK.
Dad, I'll help you with that.
(GRUNTS) No, no.
I've got it.
Dad, please.
Wait.
Come on.
Talk to me, please.
OK, fine (CHUCKLES) Oh, I wanted to wait till this afternoon but what the heck? Check this out.
It's a Cavanaugh.
Remember last year you saw a picture of a father and a son fishing together and said, "I'd like to try that"? Yeah Yeah, well, I kept lookin' at that picture and thinkin' about you and me, and I started putting a little money away, and, you know, I, I got this for ya.
Oh, man, you wouldn't believe how hard this week has been.
Every time I looked at you I wanted to spill the beans but This is why you wouldn't talk to me? We'll take the Dingy out and do some fishin'.
Just the two of us.
Great.
See you on board, Skipper.
Hey, guess who's still the good one.
Do you? I see it too.
Hey, boys, what are you doing? I don't know.
What are you doing? Where did you get the boat? We stole it from our spirit camp.
We're going for cigarettes.
Spirit camp? So, you girls are? Cheerleaders.
Bad! Cheerleaders! Yeah.
We haven't seen any boys in, like, six weeks.
Even you guys are starting to look good.
(ALL GIGGLE) (BOAT ENGINE REVS) Wait.
Where are you guys going? Follow us and find out.
Get the boat! Ready to go fishing, son? Now? Yeah.
We're catching everyone's dinner.
Now, don't you take this personally, alright? This is a special thing with Malcolm and me, just this once.
Too bad you can't come with us(!) Too bad we're taking the boat(!) Oh Oh No.
At least Reese and Stevie are as bored and miserable as I am.
Remember to call me .
.
Snoop .
(MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL) (MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL) (SIGHS) This is great.
To just relax with adults.
"Suffocate".
Good for you, Abe.
"Cry baby.
" I believe that's two words, dear.
OK, then.
Just "baby".
I heard what happened.
My, my, my.
All that splintered wood and broken glass.
(TUTS) I brought you something.
What's that? A hammer.
I expect you to repair the case.
You'll find lumber in the common room.
I have a nine-inch gash in my leg! Hmm That's quite a handicap.
Cadet, you damaged school property! You are the one responsible for repairing it.
Consider it a character-building lesson.
I didn't damage anything.
That was negligence.
The phone wasn't properly connected to the wall! It's unfair! I decide what's fair around here.
But wait.
Maybe I've been hasty.
No.
Now that I've reconsidered, the decision stands.
You will fix the damage by the end of the week.
That is all, Cadet.
Dewey, you have to let go of the rope.
You're all sunburnt.
No.
Just let go.
It's gonna be dark soon.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
Just open your fingers.
But I'll fall.
That's the point.
Dewey, don't think, just do it.
Just let go! No! Oh, for crying out loud! You let go of that rope and you come in for dinner! Come on, honey! No.
Ow! I'll make French fries.
Ow! Your favourite.
Ice cream.
You know you love ice cream.
And it was wriggling and fighting.
And finally I got it on the hook.
That was one helluva worm.
I was sure I'd catch something with it.
Dewey, pass the salt, please.
Where'd you get that shiner? Mom It was horrible.
It was like we were there for hours.
It was so boring.
What are you smiling about? I like these potatoes.
You guys went to the camp? Oh, man.
What was it like? Imagine 100 fat guys fallin' downstairs knocking over old ladies.
Multiply that by 10 and you're not even close.
Until today .
.
I'd have traded my life .
.
for anybody's No way.
It's Mom's.
If it were Mom's, would I do this? (SIGHS) That was delicious.
I am so sorry about Abe.
What do you mean? Oh, you're sweet to pretend, but I know he's ruining the vacation with his pouting and sarcastic little digs.
If it's bothering you, talk to him.
(SIGHS) Sure is a beautiful night.
You're right! Anything is better than this! Oh, Malcolm, better hit the hay.
We're getting up early tomorrow.
Nightie .
.
night (LAUGHS) I'll tell you what the problem is.
I hate this boat, I hate this place and everything about this vacation! Then, why didn't you say anything? What difference would it have made? This trip was your idea! And God knows, whatever Kenny wants, Kenny gets! Stop behaving like a total ass! I could be sitting in a suite in Hawaii right now! They can't afford that.
Pardon me for going to college and earning a decent living! Should I drive a crappy car cos they do, too?! They cannot hear me! And even if they could, they'd understand it's just my puckish sense of humour.
(Don't you worry.
They're not that smart.
) Turn on the radio.
Yeah.
(SNORING) (SNORES) What? Nothing.
I didn't want it to come to this but there's only so far I can be pushed.
You don't have to convince me.
This is the kind of injustice the Alabama legal system addresses.
Just sign here.
And we'll need your parents' signatures at the bottom.
Great! I'm a notary as well as a lawyer so I can have this expedited.
Great.
(PHONE RINGS) (MIMICS FEMALE VOICE) Hello? Well, he's in with a client.
Can he call you back? Mom, please! We can't watch Dewey! We already have plans.
Now they include your brother.
Mom! This isn't a negotiation! Take your brother with you and have fun!!! (WHIMPERS) Now, remember, this is a magic buoy.
Mermaid's are drawn to it and they'll grant your every wish.
But they won't show up if there's more than one person here.
Just leave.
Don't insult me.
Hi, Malcolm.
Me and my naked friends got tired of waiting for you.
You don't want Reese to have all the fun, do you? (GASPS) (GASPS) What happened? Did you catch something? No.
We're not gonna catch anything.
I know.
(LAUGHS) This is really awful, isn't it? (SIGHS) I don't think there's a darn fish in this whole lake.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It's just nice bein' out here with you.
Dad.
Mmm? You know the other day at the store when I pretended not to know you? Yeah.
That was a new low.
Well, there was this girl.
Really? I'm sorry.
I know.
Ooh! Looks like you got a nibble! OK, set the rope.
Let him run.
OK, reel him in.
Reel him in.
Look at that, huh?! (LAUGHS) Come to Poppa, baby.
You betcha! Oh, yeah! That's a striper! (LAUGHS) Look at that beauty! Way to go, Malcolm! Thanks, Dad! Oh, look at that! (< GIRLS LAUGH / CHATTER) Huh Isn't this your brother's shirt? (ENGINE REVS) Ugh! Why? Ugh! You are in so much trouble! I know! I can't believe it either.
Hi, Dewey! (BELL RINGS) If you'll excuse me, dear, I think I'll take a nap on my luxurious foam bed.
How long you gonna let this go on? I tried to talk to him.
It didn't help.
Maybe you came on too strong.
Start by apologising.
You don't have to mean it.
You have one day of vacation left.
You wanna spend it like this? Alright.
I can swallow my pride.
You think you're on some picnic?! With your long suffering sad eyes and your pouting? You are a big, over-indulged momma's boy! You are an uptight, impossible-to-please, control freak! I can't take it any more! What will you do about it, momma's boy?! Huh?! What's the big momma's boy gonna do about it?! (THUDDING) (CRASHING) Oh, my God I'm sorry.
I thought you were fighting.
(BUMPING) I didn't see anything! Oh, dear God! Three weeks of slave labour.
My relationship with Dad will never be the same and I can't stop smiling.
Dewey.
Remember when we were both stuck on the buoy and you said you wanted to be a ventriloquist? Well, I thought we could do it together.
(MUMBLES) Thanks, Dad.
(MUMBLES) You're welcome, son.
Oh, my God! What is it? It's Francis! He quit school.
He's on his way to Alaska! That's ridiculous.
He can't just leave school.
He needs our permission.
No, he doesn't.
He got himself legally emancipated.
As we age, skin loses its plumpness and wrinkles appear deeper.
Enriched with patented: It plumps up the skin and wrinkles appear pushed up.
Like this.
Plumper skin, wrinkles appear reduced.
BELL CROWD NOISE/CHEERING Make your skin feel: Skin Contact.
BELL (snoring) (chuckles) New Sure Men Absolute.
Future-ready protection.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # And you're not so big! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # You're not the boss of me now! # And you're not so big! # Life is unfair # We're not renting the fanciest place here but I have a place to work on my cliff diving.
Wow Roxy's sharing a houseboat with Stevie's family on a man-made lake by the power plant.
I don't want to meet the girl that would impress.
Do not touch! I'm not! Hal, let me see you bathing suit.
No.
The ones you picked out are too big and baggy.
Baggy is good.
It's less surface area I have to shave.
I like the little ones.
No.
You always pop out.
I do not.
That was one time.
The Kenarbans are conservative people.
We'll be in very close quarters with them.
Get the baggy ones.
Let me show you something.
Not the suit in the egg.
Don't say anything till you see it.
Watch out! > (CLATTERING) Dewey Can I see that spear gun? Sure.
Now, don't tell me this doesn't do somethin' for ya.
(GASPS) I-I-I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife.
You see, my wife has the exact same shape (GASPS) (GASPS) So when you and I get back, you know, if you wanted, maybe I could give you a call.
Maybe.
Psst! > Psst! Psst! (LAUGHS) Whoa.
Look at that guy.
Psst! Psst! Do you know him? Who? That nutcase? Of course not.
Help me choose a surf board.
OK.
(Malcolm!) Oh For the love of! Oh! Excuse me.
Oh! God, it's not me, it's the suit.
I am a normal person! I'm here with my family.
My son is Malcolm! Come with me.
I know how this looks but I'm telling you Malcolm! No! No! This is a complete misunderstanding.
Dude, where were you? If Spangler finds out you blew off drill practise, he'll kill you.
I'm not afraid of him now.
Why aren't you in uniform? I'm leavin'.
I'm outta here.
You can't just leave.
Yes, I can.
I just turned 18, I'm legally an adult and no-one can tell me what to do! I'm outta here! You're not gonna graduate?! I'm going to Alaska.
Francis, it's crazy up there.
You can make $45 an hour working on oil rigs or logging camps and you don't even need a diploma.
Wait! $45 an hour? That's with room and board.
You work a couple of years and you're set for life.
Somethin' to remember me by.
Do you realise how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? Mom, please! I feel terrible.
I completely understand what I did.
I sold out my own father for a girl.
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
We both agree I'm a terrible person.
For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't even give you the time of day! That's your gratitude?! Maybe I'm the good one after all.
Here, Mom.
For your throat.
I put a little honey in it.
One vacation a year and this is how you start it! (PHONE RINGS) You go and make it right! Hello? Dad's probably not that mad at me.
I mean, it's not like I shoved him in the squad car.
Dad, can I talk to you? Er, no.
not right now.
I'm kinda busy.
Reese, can you help me? Sure, Dad.
I love to be helpful.
Can you close the door? Absolutely not, Francis! "You're not listening.
" I can make $45 an hour.
That's more than you or Dad makes.
You are going to graduate from high school.
Why spend the tuition? It's a waste of money.
We both know I'm failing.
OK, now we both know.
Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it.
If you flunk out, you'll do another year! You just can't stand the fact I'd make more money than you! (CRASHING) Argh! Whoa.
That was close.
(SMASHING) Oh, look at all this lovely scenery and nature.
This will be wonderful.
Dear, did you pack my hat? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
You should have asked me to.
No problem.
I'll just create one out of newspaper.
Everything OK? Everything's wonderful.
We're on vacation.
The whole drive up here Dad wouldn't look at me.
I just wish I could take those two minutes back.
That's the King Of The Seas? (SCREAMING) No TV! There's no TV! There's no TV! There's no TV! (CHUCKLES) There's your TV.
I don't see any TV.
Excuse me.
OK.
Dad, I'll help you with that.
(GRUNTS) No, no.
I've got it.
Dad, please.
Wait.
Come on.
Talk to me, please.
OK, fine (CHUCKLES) Oh, I wanted to wait till this afternoon but what the heck? Check this out.
It's a Cavanaugh.
Remember last year you saw a picture of a father and a son fishing together and said, "I'd like to try that"? Yeah Yeah, well, I kept lookin' at that picture and thinkin' about you and me, and I started putting a little money away, and, you know, I, I got this for ya.
Oh, man, you wouldn't believe how hard this week has been.
Every time I looked at you I wanted to spill the beans but This is why you wouldn't talk to me? We'll take the Dingy out and do some fishin'.
Just the two of us.
Great.
See you on board, Skipper.
Hey, guess who's still the good one.
Do you? I see it too.
Hey, boys, what are you doing? I don't know.
What are you doing? Where did you get the boat? We stole it from our spirit camp.
We're going for cigarettes.
Spirit camp? So, you girls are? Cheerleaders.
Bad! Cheerleaders! Yeah.
We haven't seen any boys in, like, six weeks.
Even you guys are starting to look good.
(ALL GIGGLE) (BOAT ENGINE REVS) Wait.
Where are you guys going? Follow us and find out.
Get the boat! Ready to go fishing, son? Now? Yeah.
We're catching everyone's dinner.
Now, don't you take this personally, alright? This is a special thing with Malcolm and me, just this once.
Too bad you can't come with us(!) Too bad we're taking the boat(!) Oh Oh No.
At least Reese and Stevie are as bored and miserable as I am.
Remember to call me .
.
Snoop .
(MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL) (MIMICS TARZAN'S CALL) (SIGHS) This is great.
To just relax with adults.
"Suffocate".
Good for you, Abe.
"Cry baby.
" I believe that's two words, dear.
OK, then.
Just "baby".
I heard what happened.
My, my, my.
All that splintered wood and broken glass.
(TUTS) I brought you something.
What's that? A hammer.
I expect you to repair the case.
You'll find lumber in the common room.
I have a nine-inch gash in my leg! Hmm That's quite a handicap.
Cadet, you damaged school property! You are the one responsible for repairing it.
Consider it a character-building lesson.
I didn't damage anything.
That was negligence.
The phone wasn't properly connected to the wall! It's unfair! I decide what's fair around here.
But wait.
Maybe I've been hasty.
No.
Now that I've reconsidered, the decision stands.
You will fix the damage by the end of the week.
That is all, Cadet.
Dewey, you have to let go of the rope.
You're all sunburnt.
No.
Just let go.
It's gonna be dark soon.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
Just open your fingers.
But I'll fall.
That's the point.
Dewey, don't think, just do it.
Just let go! No! Oh, for crying out loud! You let go of that rope and you come in for dinner! Come on, honey! No.
Ow! I'll make French fries.
Ow! Your favourite.
Ice cream.
You know you love ice cream.
And it was wriggling and fighting.
And finally I got it on the hook.
That was one helluva worm.
I was sure I'd catch something with it.
Dewey, pass the salt, please.
Where'd you get that shiner? Mom It was horrible.
It was like we were there for hours.
It was so boring.
What are you smiling about? I like these potatoes.
You guys went to the camp? Oh, man.
What was it like? Imagine 100 fat guys fallin' downstairs knocking over old ladies.
Multiply that by 10 and you're not even close.
Until today .
.
I'd have traded my life .
.
for anybody's No way.
It's Mom's.
If it were Mom's, would I do this? (SIGHS) That was delicious.
I am so sorry about Abe.
What do you mean? Oh, you're sweet to pretend, but I know he's ruining the vacation with his pouting and sarcastic little digs.
If it's bothering you, talk to him.
(SIGHS) Sure is a beautiful night.
You're right! Anything is better than this! Oh, Malcolm, better hit the hay.
We're getting up early tomorrow.
Nightie .
.
night (LAUGHS) I'll tell you what the problem is.
I hate this boat, I hate this place and everything about this vacation! Then, why didn't you say anything? What difference would it have made? This trip was your idea! And God knows, whatever Kenny wants, Kenny gets! Stop behaving like a total ass! I could be sitting in a suite in Hawaii right now! They can't afford that.
Pardon me for going to college and earning a decent living! Should I drive a crappy car cos they do, too?! They cannot hear me! And even if they could, they'd understand it's just my puckish sense of humour.
(Don't you worry.
They're not that smart.
) Turn on the radio.
Yeah.
(SNORING) (SNORES) What? Nothing.
I didn't want it to come to this but there's only so far I can be pushed.
You don't have to convince me.
This is the kind of injustice the Alabama legal system addresses.
Just sign here.
And we'll need your parents' signatures at the bottom.
Great! I'm a notary as well as a lawyer so I can have this expedited.
Great.
(PHONE RINGS) (MIMICS FEMALE VOICE) Hello? Well, he's in with a client.
Can he call you back? Mom, please! We can't watch Dewey! We already have plans.
Now they include your brother.
Mom! This isn't a negotiation! Take your brother with you and have fun!!! (WHIMPERS) Now, remember, this is a magic buoy.
Mermaid's are drawn to it and they'll grant your every wish.
But they won't show up if there's more than one person here.
Just leave.
Don't insult me.
Hi, Malcolm.
Me and my naked friends got tired of waiting for you.
You don't want Reese to have all the fun, do you? (GASPS) (GASPS) What happened? Did you catch something? No.
We're not gonna catch anything.
I know.
(LAUGHS) This is really awful, isn't it? (SIGHS) I don't think there's a darn fish in this whole lake.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It's just nice bein' out here with you.
Dad.
Mmm? You know the other day at the store when I pretended not to know you? Yeah.
That was a new low.
Well, there was this girl.
Really? I'm sorry.
I know.
Ooh! Looks like you got a nibble! OK, set the rope.
Let him run.
OK, reel him in.
Reel him in.
Look at that, huh?! (LAUGHS) Come to Poppa, baby.
You betcha! Oh, yeah! That's a striper! (LAUGHS) Look at that beauty! Way to go, Malcolm! Thanks, Dad! Oh, look at that! (< GIRLS LAUGH / CHATTER) Huh Isn't this your brother's shirt? (ENGINE REVS) Ugh! Why? Ugh! You are in so much trouble! I know! I can't believe it either.
Hi, Dewey! (BELL RINGS) If you'll excuse me, dear, I think I'll take a nap on my luxurious foam bed.
How long you gonna let this go on? I tried to talk to him.
It didn't help.
Maybe you came on too strong.
Start by apologising.
You don't have to mean it.
You have one day of vacation left.
You wanna spend it like this? Alright.
I can swallow my pride.
You think you're on some picnic?! With your long suffering sad eyes and your pouting? You are a big, over-indulged momma's boy! You are an uptight, impossible-to-please, control freak! I can't take it any more! What will you do about it, momma's boy?! Huh?! What's the big momma's boy gonna do about it?! (THUDDING) (CRASHING) Oh, my God I'm sorry.
I thought you were fighting.
(BUMPING) I didn't see anything! Oh, dear God! Three weeks of slave labour.
My relationship with Dad will never be the same and I can't stop smiling.
Dewey.
Remember when we were both stuck on the buoy and you said you wanted to be a ventriloquist? Well, I thought we could do it together.
(MUMBLES) Thanks, Dad.
(MUMBLES) You're welcome, son.
Oh, my God! What is it? It's Francis! He quit school.
He's on his way to Alaska! That's ridiculous.
He can't just leave school.
He needs our permission.
No, he doesn't.
He got himself legally emancipated.
As we age, skin loses its plumpness and wrinkles appear deeper.
Enriched with patented: It plumps up the skin and wrinkles appear pushed up.
Like this.
Plumper skin, wrinkles appear reduced.
BELL CROWD NOISE/CHEERING Make your skin feel: Skin Contact.
BELL (snoring) (chuckles) New Sure Men Absolute.
Future-ready protection.