Mandy (2019) s03e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
some strong language
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you
gave without taking
# But I sent you away
# Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
And I need you today, oh, Mandy. ♪
What are you up to at the moment,
Mandy?
Eh? Spinning in this chair.
No, I mean for a job.
You can't just lounge around in here
all day.
I thought you liked my company, Lol.
I do, of course!
But I just think you're wasting your
time.
No-one will employ me, Lol.
I've tried everything.
Why don't you be an air stewardess,
Mandy?
Apparently, they are desperate for
people to train
as cabin crew at the moment.
- Is that so?
- Yes, and you only have to be tall.
How tall do you have to be, just out
of interest?
5'8.
And they are very strict.
They will overlook everything else
- criminal record,
social media cancellation, perversions
of all kinds -
but if you are under 5'8 by just a
millimetre, you are out.
They test it with lasers.
What a wonderful life - swanning
around the globe,
serving people drinks in little cans.
Why don't you do it, Mandy?
I'm probably not tall enough.
You are very tall. Look at you.
No, I'm not. I'm not 5'8.
- You are! Look at you!
- No, I'm not.
I'm not. It's my boots.
They just make me look taller.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Look, I'll show you.
Oh, my God, Mandy! I had no idea!
I know. It's such a shame.
I'd love to have been an air hostess.
You can do it, Mandy.
There's an operation to make your legs
longer.
My uncle Finbar got it done so he
could be a shelf stacker.
- Give over!
- It's true.
They insert a piece of cartilage into
your shin bone
and Bob is your cousin.
It sounds expensive. I doubt you can
get it done on the NHS.
Student doctors always need people
to train on,
so it's probably cheaper, but
[BELL TINKLES]
..it will take much longer to heal.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah, I just need an extra foot and
a half inserted into me.
Said the actress to the bishop!
[THEY LAUGH]
You are a real doctor, aren't you?
Yeah, of course.
Well, nearly. I just need to practise
on a few more people.
[SHE GULPS]
You know you have to keep these
magnetic callipers on
for six months afterwards?
- Why are they magnetic?
You specified on the form you'd like
the cheaper magnetic ones.
OK, nurse, get the circular saw going.
[SAW WHIRS]
Let's get slicing!
Mandy, fly me away ♪
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to flight 3542 to Dundee.
We're at cruising height now, and the
captain's just turned off
the seat belt signs.
But please take care to listen to any
safety instructions,
and make sure any luggage is safely
secured underneath your seat.
My colleague and I will shortly be
making our way down the plane
with a selection of food, drinks,
scratchcards,
Elizabeth Arden eight-hour cream, and
nuts.
Let me know if you need to rest your
legs.
Oh, thanks, Kenny.
I thought the callipers were coming
off this week.
The doctor said I have to keep them
on a bit longer,
cos me legs keep buckling underneath
me.
Do you know, I'm amazed the airline
have allowed you on.
They're so strict on appearance.
I know, but I said I'd take them to
the European Court of Human Rights
if they threatened to sack me.
- Oh, good for you.
I'll start with the passengers at
the back.
They're more my sort of people.
Oh
Sorry about that. Me callipers are
magnetic.
They were the only ones I could
afford.
[METAL CLANKS AGAINST CALLIPERS]
Was it you that wanted the Prosecco?
- Yes, thank you.
- Here you go.
There, enjoy that.
Oh, that needs to be up.
Scratchcards?
Scratchcard, anyone?
Scratchcards?
Scratch Oh, God.
Scratchcards? Scratchcards?
You could win the holiday of a
lifetime.
I'm on the holiday of a lifetime
now, actually.
Not in economy, you're not.
Yours, I believe.
Where are you off?
I just need to pop to the lavatory.
Well, it's £6.50 if you'd like to
use the lav.
£6.50? Really?
No, I'm having a laugh. They're
free.
They're just down there on the right.
I'd leave it ten minutes, though,
cos the woman in row F just came out
and now they're a fucking disgrace!
Scratchcards?
Scratchcard, anyone?
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Scratchcard?
Scratchcards?
Oh, what's this?
"Say nothing. I have a gun and a bomb.
"Take me to the choc pit."
What's the choc pit?
Cock! Cock!
I couldn't find a "cock" anywhere.
They tend not to print it much in
newspaper headlines.
Oh, my gosh!
Let's go. The cockpit, now.
Fuck!
The autopilot's still engaged, isn't
it, Number Two?
Er, yeah, Captain, I think so.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh
I'll get it.
Ah, good, our coffees!
- Mm!
Stay where you are. I'm now in
charge of this aircraft.
There's a bomb on board.
- Oh, my God!
..and unless £1 million is
transferred
into my bank account, by BACS or
CHAPS, then I'll detonate it.
I'm sure that's normal. I'm sure
that's
How did you get a bomb on board the
plane?
I suppose you could say
..I had to wing it!
Is it on the wing?
Yes! Yes, it's on the wing! Get out.
I don't want you hearing my bank
account details.
Or anyone else, for that matter.
[INSTRUMENTS BEEP]
Kenny, there's a bomb on the wing!
I know. We heard.
Well, I've had a good life.
You know, I got to fly on a plane
and
Well, I've had some lovely hot
dinners.
You're lucky, Mandy.
You've experienced some things, you
know?
You've lived life.
This is the first time I've ever left
Billericay.
Oh, Mandy, what am I going to?
Mandy?
Mandy!
They just can't get that sort of
money together in an hour!
You expect me to believe that?
A million's loose change to an
airline.
They need to transfer it now.
And no tricks.
Because when I get jumpy
..I start to get twitchy.
OK. What was that sort code again?
Erm
[HE TUTS]
Oh, God.
Er, er, 20
- Mm-hm?
..13
..31.
[CALLIPERS CLANK HEAVILY]
[SHE SCREAMS]
Oh
Oh, God bless her.
She was so brave.
And she never even lived to see her
new legs.
We'll never forget you, Mandy.
Excuse me.
I can't seem to get Jumanji to play.
Oh, you've just paused it, I think.
Oh, you silly sausage!
- Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Scratchcards - any scratchcards?
[PHONE PINGS]
They say they've transferred it.
Er
No, I can't see it in my bank account.
Have you tried Pending Transactions?
Do you get signal up here?
Er, yeah, two bars but it's enough.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
So go to Account, Current Account,
Recent Transactions
- Mm-hm.
- ..Pending Transactions.
- Erm [PHONE PINGS]
Oh.
It's a text from the bank.
- Oh!
"We have detected suspicious
activity on your account
"and blocked it. Please call us on"
Fuck me!
I did tell them I was doing this.
Oi, dickhead, I've kicked your bomb
off the wing.
Bullshit. I don't believe you.
It's bomb o'clock.
Goodbye, world!
[DETONATOR BEEPS]
[DETONATOR BEEPS REPEATEDLY]
Fuck's sake!
I'll just have to finish you off the
old-fashioned way
Starting with you.
[SHE SCREAMS]
Fucking hell, I've shot him.
- Fuck.
- Oh, yeah.
Should have bought a scratchcard,
mate.
You could have been a millionaire by
now.
[ALARM BEEPS]
Is everything all right?
Do you want me to go back to serving
coffees?
Bloody Nora, that bullet has severed
the hydraulic control unit.
We don't have any brakes.
We can land the plane,
but there's no way of stopping it.
We'll crash into the airport.
Ground Control. This is flight
3-5-4-2.
Prepare for crash landing.
Prepare for crash landing.
Wait, I've got an idea.
No, it's gone.
Oh, well.
No, it's back again.
You land the plane, and I'll stop it.
Which way to the wheels?
- Back through that hatch?
If I don't make it back,
remember my name.
Mandy Carter.
We're coming in fast. Clear the
runway.
Clear the airport, our brakes have
failed.
Repeat, our brakes have failed. We are
going to crash.
Even if we can get this thing down,
we're going so fast we won't stop
until the long-stay car park.
Best-case scenario, we'll be taking a
bus back to the terminal.
And they're only every 15 minutes.
For God's sake, wait!
Oh, God, what are you doing?
Oh, shit, brace, brace!
Brakes not responding.
Critical, brakes not responding.
Brakes not responding.
We're down.
I hope she's done
Hydraulic failure.
- ..whatever it was she was going to do.
- What was her name again?
We're slowing.
We're slowing!
I don't know how
..but she's done it.
She's done it.
Mandy's done it!
Mandy!
Mandy! Mandy!
Mandy! Mandy!
Thank God.
Mandy?
Mandy!
God bless you.
Mary, was it?
Her name was Mandy Carter
and she's just saved the lives of you
and everyone else on this goddamn
plane.
Thank you, Mandy,
wherever you are.
[SHOP DOORBELL RINGS]
I think I've won a tenner on a
scratchcard.
It's better than that. You've got
six planes.
You have won the holiday of a
lifetime.
First-class flight to New York!
Oh, fuck that, I'm staying here.
I'm going nowhere.
# Come fly with me
# Let's fly, let's fly away
# If you can use some exotic booze
# There's a bar in far Bombay
# Come on and fly with me
# Let's fly, let's fly away
# Come fly with me
Let's float down to Peru ♪