Maron (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

Hey, babe? You have coffee on? Hey, Linds.
You might want to come in here and see this before it goes away.
You might want to, you know, do something with it.
Never mind.
What? So, I just can't count on you for anything.
Take it easy.
I thought it was a normal Monday.
I didn't know he was off for teacher conferences.
So, you don't write anything down on calendars? I mean, come on, Joaquin.
When I make a mistake, it's because I'm an idiot.
But when you make a mistake, it's because, "I'm so overwhelmed.
" Yeah, I am overwhelmed because you're an idiot, all right? It's bad enough that you load him up on sugar.
Oh.
Should I? Marc, this is my son, Jackson.
This is Joaquin.
You all know about each other.
Hey, everybody.
I bought that robe.
It's very soft.
I don't wear it a lot.
Won't fall for it You can't see And you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well Ugh.
I am sorry about that.
He wasn't supposed to bring my son today, but it's all fine now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
It's a little weird.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not the way I wanted you to meet Jackson.
Like, it's soon, right? Well, it's not that soon.
I mean, we've been together for two months.
Yeah, but I heard that you're it's you're supposed to wait wait, like, six months.
I read that.
Oh, okay.
All right.
- Well, it happened.
- Okay.
And now you're gonna have to deal with it.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- All right.
Come here.
- Ooh.
What - Give me that bony ass.
Yeah, is it bony? It's not fat? No, not at all.
It's totally bony.
All right.
I got to go.
What? No, I thought you were staying today.
No, I have meetings with agents.
I'm looking for one with enough juice to get me a talk show.
So, are they still here? Uh, Joaquin left a while ago.
Is Jackson out there? He's riding his bike.
Okay.
Marc? Sometimes shit gets real.
Right.
Real.
Got it.
Okay, so what's the deal? You you want to go with this guy? We're gonna see loads of people today, then we'll talk about it and see who you like best.
What if I don't like any of them? Oh, you think that's a given? Oh, my God.
What? I can't stand this song and dance, man.
Why can't you just get me a talk show? Well, because that is what an agent does.
I'm a manager.
Oh, what do you do? I Thank you.
That is extremely offensive, and I'm not answering it.
No, I Whatever it is, it's quite a racket.
Oh! N How are you and Lindsey? Uh, just moving too fast.
Oh, my God.
So you're gonna screw it up.
No, she just wants me to have a relationship with her kid.
Oh, shh right.
I have seen you and Lindsey together.
You are perfect together.
Screw it up, you'll die alone.
It's a little dramatic.
You're like an annoying Helen Mirren.
Oh, God.
Any woman willing to put up with you is a saint a saint, I say.
You know what? I want a male agent.
- Get in.
Stop speaking.
- No, why don't you go? - You're a lady.
- Fine.
Look, no bullshit you're having a moment.
Uh, a lot of people are gonna make a lot of promises, but this agency is uniquely positioned to make you pop.
Really? In what way? Our infrastructure.
Not only would you be covered by our TV department, but also new media, reality, film, and lit.
You want your name on a book? We'll find someone to write it for you.
Actually, I'm just, uh, interested in pursuing a talk show.
Which is exactly our wheelhouse.
We represent two women on "The View," one on "The Talk.
" One on "The View," three on "The Talk.
" Three on "The View.
" How many on "The Talk"? "The Talk" is a piece of shit.
Yeah.
So, which did you like best? 'Cause there's so much choice.
Really? I thought they all seemed the same to me.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- So, wait is "The Talk" really a piece of shit? Yeah, God.
Okay, so then why do you keep trying to get me on it? Uh well I couldn't get you on "The View.
" Hi.
When you got the attention, were you ready? Did you feel like like, "I can handle it.
"? No.
Suddenly, I'm on the cover of Time magazine, and, of course, I was, uh, married to my first wife who was iconic, and we met and started out a-at the same time Barbra.
- Streisand? - So - That's her name.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- Barbra Joan Streisand.
- Yeah.
When you first became, like, the a guy, you're like, "I'm now I'm Elliott Gould, and I have a little juice.
I'd like to do what?" I said, "I want to meet Elvis Presley.
" - Naturally.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so, uh, I-I-I we arranged it for me to go to Las Vegas.
- Mm-hmm.
- See his show and then go backstage, uh, to meet him, which I did.
So, I go backstage, and there's Colonel Tom Parker.
Right.
And Elvis' father and their whole entourage.
- Red and Sonny.
- Yeah.
A-And Elvis is standing there with a gold .
45 in his waistband.
- Makes sense.
- And so, I wanted to see if I could just talk with him privately.
I said, "Uh, Elvis, why don't you come out and hang out with us?" And did he? Well, no, uh, he just he didn't do it.
He said to me, "Hey, man, you're crazy.
" I said, "I ain't crazy, Elvis.
I'm scared just like you.
" And he said, "Well, how could you Why did you and Barbra split up? You're two of my favorite people.
" And I said, "Shut up, Elvis.
" - You said, "Shut up, Elvis"? - Yeah.
And that was the end of it? Don't be cruel.
I really want to say thanks again, Elliott.
That was a real honor for me.
I mean, you're you're kind of an idol of mine.
When I was a kid, you were, like, the epitome of Jewish cool, you know.
No, I don't know about that.
But you're a very good interviewer.
Did you ever think about doing a real TV talk show instead of this this thing you do in your tool shed? Well, it's a garage, but, yeah, of course, I think about it.
That's the plan.
I just need an agent.
So, you're looking for an agent? - Yes.
- I may know the guy.
David Rosen.
He's a kingmaker.
Okay, all right.
Well, that's very very, uh, gracious of you.
I mean, it it's not putting you out.
- No, no.
It's a pleasure.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
You don't get too many shots in this business.
You need someone who knows where the bodies are buried.
- Mm.
- And he's put quite a few in the ground.
Yeah, that's that's amazing.
I do need a guy with power.
Great.
Great.
Thank you.
David Rosen.
David Rosen.
And Richard Pryor, for most of his career.
Carlin for five minutes.
And, of course, Dangerfield.
He was my guy.
I was the one who told him to sell aluminum siding.
And I was the one who pulled his ass out of there.
That's amazing.
So, like, when when he says, "no respect," he's probably he's probably talking about you.
Oh, I respected him.
He just wasn't ready yet.
Now, you you, you're ready.
I heard your interviews on the computer.
Could you hand me that, dear? You need to be on TV behind a desk.
Well, actually, I-I He doesn't, uh, work behind a desk.
It's more like a workbench.
Huh.
What, we're fighting over a desk? We're making millions here.
I don't give a shit.
Do it on a ping-pong table.
So so, do we have a match here? Hey, oh oh oh, w-well, obviously, uh, Mr.
Rosen's a legend.
But but I've really got to pass it by my manager first, so I can Of course, it's a yes for you.
I was talking to Mr.
Rosen.
Elliott, I was sold on him before he walked through the door.
I believe in you, Marc.
You got something special.
Well, thanks.
You know, I didn't want to get out of bed today.
I didn't think I had it in me.
But I am so grateful I did.
His wife died.
It's been very hard for him.
You're just what he needed.
What? To new relationships.
- Marco.
- Okay.
We're gonna shop you to all three networks.
Yes, yes.
This is the right man.
Okay.
I don't even know what happened in there.
I mean I I don't think I said yes.
I was just beat up by these two old guys.
They they should be in "The Expendables.
" - "The Dependables.
" - Shut up.
Look, you took a meeting without your manager present.
This is your fault.
Oh, okay, so now it's about you.
Now it's about your insecurities.
Now it's about your bad puns.
Ooh.
Uh, you do know that David Rosen doesn't even rep Elliott Gould anymore, right? - What? - He dumped him like 20 years ago.
He's now represented by Brandon Depaolo.
No, I know that guy.
So, what happened in there then? What what what what happened with me? Was I just gifted? Was I was I given as a gift from one old guy to a really old guy? Was it like when my cat La Fonda brings a a bird in in her mouth and gives it to me? What I mean, what happened in You got to get me out of it.
No.
You get yourself out of your own mess.
Oh, come on.
Now what? Okay.
Hey, baby.
Hey, skinny.
Look, I'm sorry that yesterday was so weird.
No, no, no.
I-I think I could have handled it better.
Well, I'm gonna give you a chance to handle me better.
Do you want to come over for dinner? - Don't you have Jackson tonight? - Yeah.
But, you know, now that the ice is broken, I thought maybe you could spend some time together.
- Eh, eh.
- Lovely.
So, you can come over and screw me, but you can't spend five minutes with my son? Oh, yeah.
Five minutes I could do.
I'm sorry, I have a life, Marc.
All right, I'm not some real doll that you can just wash out afterwards.
Well, that's nasty.
I know I know you're not a real doll.
I Well, okay, I'll come over.
I'm coming over.
No, you know what? Forget it, all right? I don't want you to come over.
No, I'm coming, and I'm bringing a kite.
- Does the kid like kites? - Goodbye! All right, I'm bringing dessert.
Hello? You're so good at, like, killing relationships.
Call David Rosen.
You're a monster.
It's weird.
When I date women my own age, almost always, I feel like I'm auditioning for the role of The Last Good Man on Earth.
And generally, I get a few callbacks, but I don't get the job.
And I think it's because I don't take notes well.
Hey.
Hi.
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm, uh, Lindsey's uh, boyfriend.
- Oh.
Marc, yeah.
- Right.
I'm Jackson's babysitter.
Hey, I have an exam tomorrow.
I really have to take off.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Would you mind? No, wait a minute.
Where's Lindsey? Out.
Hey, can you pay me? I really need it.
What? How much? - $45.
- Seriously? $45? I have I have three $20's.
Perfect.
Thank you.
Wait, what just happened? The woman robbed me.
Hey, buddy.
Remember me? Marc I was wearing your mother's robe - the other day.
- I remember.
Yeah, that was soft.
You want to eat some cake? All right, let me put it another way.
I'm gonna eat some cake, but I'll I'll feel guilty if I eat it alone, so I'm gonna I'm gonna need you to eat some cake with me.
Okay.
All right, great.
You're gonna be my littler enabler.
It's gonna be amazing.
Hey.
What are you doing here? What are you not doing here? Well, when I told you not to come over, I assumed you weren't coming over.
I brought a cake, and now I'm all ashamed of myself, and your kid is this horrible enabler.
How much of that did he eat? I'd like to think we split it, but I'm pretty sure I ate more.
You let him eat all of that sugar.
Jesus, Marc.
He's gonna be up all night.
Yeah, it really looks like he's gonna be up all night.
I didn't know what to do with the situation.
I just had some cake.
Look, it's fine, all right? I will just deal with it when he gets up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.
Okay.
Well, did you guys have fun? I mean, did he show you his hexbugs? - Did you set this up? - What? I mean, I come over here for dinner, and strangely, you're not here.
I didn't know you were coming over.
Then the babysitter just splits like it was planned.
What are you accusing me of exactly? You wanted me to bond with your kid, so it would, like, suck me into being a stepdaddy for the rest of my life.
You are so paranoid.
Your parents really did a number on you.
Well, congratulations.
You got me all figured out.
Wha What? Is that funny? Why is that funny? I don't know.
It just felt what? Oh, come here.
- Oh, now I'm like - Come on.
All right, okay.
- Aww.
- Okay.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm okay.
Am I okay? All right.
I got to I have to go.
Bye.
Hey, Elliott, it's Marc Maron.
Hey, Marc, I'm so glad that you and David hit it off.
Yeah, man.
You know, David yeah, I love David, but but Great.
Because he thinks the world of you, too.
Well, I Well, that's very nice.
Well, you know, he's a very special guy.
He was a P.
O.
W.
in Korea, and they kept him there for a couple of years after the war, and he never once gave up hope.
That's the kind of guy who is working for you.
Wow.
He's a P.
O.
W.
, huh? They don't make them any tougher than that.
Exactly.
So, don't worry.
I don't even see this as a setback, and it won't slow him down one bit.
Setback? What kind of setback? Oh, David.
He'll be okay.
He's tough.
Fought in Korea.
Yeah.
He was a P.
O.
W.
, you know? Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
I know all about it.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You guys you go back, do you? Oh, Garden Street, the Bronx.
He always had my back, and I always had his.
Are you a friend? No, no, I'm a new client.
Oh, that's terrific.
You know, he's had a rough couple of decades.
- Hi, David.
- Hi.
How you feeling? Wait.
What does he want? He wants to write something.
Write it.
Give him the pen.
"I can stop" "I can st s "I-I-I can still I can still" Still what? "Do the job.
" "I can still do the job.
" But I don't think we need to worry about that right now.
We need to do what's best for you.
Give him the pad.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
"If I don't work, I'll die.
" Stop crying.
You're gonna make me cry.
All right, all right, look, it was nice meeting you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay? I'm going out to get pads and pens for our meetings.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, you're gonna get through it.
Oh, okay.
I can't believe they make parents do this shit.
Well, of course.
Who else would do it? I don't know.
Isn't there some Forrest Gump-like character the town could put on the payroll? You know, like a lovable village idiot with a solid work ethic? You know what? It sounds like you want the job, okay? - No, no.
- No, come here.
Stand behind it.
Push really hard and try and keep a straight line.
Oh, look at that.
This is fun.
- Right? - I'm contributing.
So, I don't I don't know what to do about this David thing.
What do you think I should do? I am not weighing in on it.
- Why not? - Because I know what you want.
You want me to tell you that it's okay to fire him.
Well, it's The situation is a train wreck.
My career's gonna be as dead as his left side.
What? What? Is that who you are? You just when things get difficult, you just cut and run? - You just leave? - No.
That's not who I am.
Usually, it takes me years to realize I made the wrong choice.
- Oh.
Good to know.
- Uh-huh.
Okay, no, no, no.
You're doing it all wrong.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are screwing up the field.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Okay.
It's a woman's job, clearly.
What the? Really? Hey, you might be able to get that job, if you want it.
Hey, you got to forgive me for saying this, but I've never heard of Busca.
Oh, no.
No one in America has yet.
Busca's the world's third-largest search engine.
"Busca" is Spanish for "search.
" We're a Chinese company.
Okay, so it's gonna be one of these meetings.
Yeah, I know it sounds odd, but that's what's so exciting about the new media landscape today.
We're basically owned by the Chinese Rupert Murdoch.
Now, as a new player, he's willing to pay way over market for top talent.
We just signed a series deal with Quentin Tarantino.
Wow, that's big.
I love his movies.
I didn't love "Inglourious Basterds," but I like most of them.
- "Django"? - Yeah, love "Django.
" - "Django.
" - Yeah, no B.
J.
Novak in "Django.
" Listen, Quentin's doing our first drama.
We want you to do our first talk show.
So, what are we talking, like a pilot? Yeah.
And if that goes well, guaranteed hundred episodes.
That's a hell of a commitment.
That's amazing.
And you're gonna overpay me? We want to send a message to the community.
People think it's irresponsible how much money we're laying down, but it's like, we'll get it all back just by charging more for modified broad-term keyword phrases.
Right? So it's fair for everyone.
Yeah.
Hey, so how did you pick me? Do you Are you a fan of mine? - I'm a huge fan.
- Oh.
Now.
Up until yesterday, I had not heard of you.
I think you met my grandfather, though.
He's a friend of David Rosen's.
Oh, wow, the guy at the hospital.
You're kidding.
Like they say, it's all who you know, right? That's crazy.
Oh, hey, look.
Before we get too far down this road, uh, I have certain personal ethical standards I'd like to try to, you know, keep up.
- Sure.
- This, uh this Chinese Rupert Murdoch fellow, is he a good guy? The best.
I like him.
I like him a lot.
I'm a very loyal person, sometimes to a fault, to where I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by sticking with something.
Like, I don't know if I'm being loyal or I'm just trying not to hurt someone's feelings.
And sometimes I don't know until something happens that makes it very clear what I should do.
All right, come on, come on, come on.
Hustle, hustle.
No, I don't want to! Oh, that's good.
That's good.
Eye on the ball.
Eye on the ball.
Hey.
Oh, hey, babe.
Oh, thank you so much for doing that.
Yeah, I knew you had your hands full, so I thought I'd pitch in.
The supermarket was horrible.
You got the wrong kind of juice.
Well, they didn't have the exact brand, but that's fine, isn't it? No, it's not fine.
Okay, this is loaded with sugar.
You can't just give kids all this sugar.
Okay, all right.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Just next time, I'll do it myself.
I'm done.
What? Where are you going? No, we are not done talking about this.
Yep, just walk away.
Amazing! You know what? I am so disappointed in you.
North Cackalacky girl Ain't it clever how you smile Don't it drive a young man wild When you call his name Let's get on with the show