M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e01 Episode Script

- [Man On Loudspeaker.]
Attention.
- Yeah? All personnel taking part in the model yacht race report to the cesspool.
- If I weren't so beat, I'd go.
- I didn't know you were interested in model boats.
I'm not, but the beach at the cesspool is so lovely this time of day.
We could hunt for shells.
- Or kidney stones.
- How's it coming? Two more and my sister's necklace is finished.
- Sirs? - Radar, you're talking in our sleep.
Colonel Blake says he wants to see youse both on the double.
- It's important.
- Doesn't Henry know it's a holiday? - Aaron Burr's birthday.
- Who's Aaron Burr? [Trapper.]
Aaron Burr, the guy that shot John Wilkes Booth.
"From Major General Bartford Hamilton Steele, U.
S.
A.
"Item one.
All personnel regardless of rank will fall out at 0600 hours daily for one-half hour of calisthenics.
" - Calisthenics! - Henry Calisthenics is a good idea.
We're all in bad condition.
I, for one, am very soft.
Is that true, Frank? If you'll excuse me, uh, I promised to bless a goat cart.
Some folks down the road are going into business for themselves.
- [Henry.]
"Item two.
" - Sir.
I found the calisthenics manual.
- Thank you, Klinger.
- I like your blouse.
- Not too daring? - A little hairy.
This General Steele seems like a new guy trying to make points.
Another pound of chicken doo.
For your information, Captain, the entire Steele family is in the Encyclopedia Americana! Oh, it's a very famous Maryland family.
Three brothers, all of'em generals, West Point grads.
One of'em is a U.
S.
Senator, and one was the first volunteer to be bitten by a mosquito in the Panama Canal.
Bit him right on the locks.
Colonel, is it all right if I go out and start the exercises? I'm dying to get into a size nine.
Fine, Klinger, just go.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
At least there's someone around here with a little sanity.
- "Item two.
" - Choppers, sir.
What choppers? Where choppers? [Men Shouting.]
- Mortars, Marty? - Outside ofTaejon, Trap.
- He's gonna need a ton of blood.
- [Klinger.]
Yes, Doctor.
- What's gonna happen to me, Doc? - Let's go.
[Trapper.]
You're gonna get a manicure, a hair set and a rinse.
Okay.
Come on.
Watch it.
- Got him? - Got him.
Lennox Hill Hospital, This kid was a mess.
Gimme some more 0-general silk.
Come on! Reverse the needle.
Well, you don't have to shout, Doctor.
This kid didn't fall off his bike! I wanna get him off this table and into the recovery room.
- Take it easy, Hawk.
- He must be 17 years old.
He ought to be in the soda shop, reading dirty magazines.
- How's it going? - Better.
We got the bleeding stopped.
- [Hawkeye.]
We're closing now.
- Good.
Man, more stuff s coming in from headquarters.
New orders, regulations.
Read that first one, Radar.
Uh, yes, sir.
- "The winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are" - Not that, Radar.
Let him read it.
I haven't seen a sports page in months.
"First place went to Private Norman Polonsky "with his yacht The American Beauty Dream corncob construction with toilet paper sails.
" Ah, that Polonsky has the sea in his blood.
- More 3-0 silk.
- Yes, Doctor.
"Second prize to Corporal Timothy Mclnerny "for his clipper, The Evangeline carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
" I hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
"The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.
" Gimme that, Radar.
I'm tellin' ya, there are gonna be some changes.
Listen to this from General Steele.
"As of this date, uniform regulations will be strictly enforced.
Individual variations will not be tolerated.
" Now, some of the stuff you guys are wearing is out.
I mean, it's strictly G.
I.
From now on.
What's the matter with this guy Steele? Major Houlihan and I are never out of uniform.
You mean on purpose? That's it.
Put a dressing on.
- Uh, sir, you're forgetting the biggie.
- What? - The big one.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, wait till you hear this, guys.
General Steele is gonna headquarter here for a week.
- Why here? - For the waters.
He's looking over the area, checking every outfit in l-Corps.
We've gotta shape up.
- The boss is coming to dinner.
- I think I saw this show.
Haircuts, shoes shined, uniforms cleaned and pressed Who's gonna press uniforms? The motor pool.
They'll run over them a few times.
Hey, come on, troops.
We're on the spot here.
We gotta clean up the whole place.
What about the pigsty we live in? My part is neat and tidy.
But the other two parties, who shall be nameless, live like swine.
- Pierce.
- Mclntyre.
The Swine brothers.
- Oh, man, Radar, before I forget - Klinger.
- Klinger shouldn't wear dresses, and no skirts.
Yes, sir.
- No dresses.
- Thank you, Nurse.
- You're welcome.
- How's he doing? - Stable, Doctor.
- Hmm? - Stable, Doctor.
- All right.
Keep the blood going.
- Yes, Doctor.
Hey, Doc? Am I gonna have a bad scar? No, no, you'll have a beauty.
"Z," like Zorro.
Watch it! Don't laugh for three days.
- How do you feel about Biarritz in June? - Sorry.
- Baden-Baden in July? - Uh-uh.
- Monte Carlo in the fall? - 'Fraid not.
- How about the mattress supply room Thursday night? - Okay.
I'll bring the saltines.
## [Humming.]
Stay away from my medical magazines, Frank.
I just got 'em.
"TheJoy of Nudity.
" [Scoffs.]
Naked people playing volleyball? Do you participate in this sort of thing? - It's a tax shelter.
- You can deduct your sneakers and deodorant.
- Disgusting! - I certainly hope so.
- Hold it, Frank! - Touch that still, I'll put knots in your dental floss.
Just so it's understood I have no part of it.
[Man On Loudspeaker.]
Attention.
Attention, please.
- General Steele is arriving at 1000 hours.
- That's only a few minutes.
- Oh, dear! - [Mocking.]
Oh, dear! Attention, five minutes to General Steele.
- Five minutes.
- ## [Whistling.]
## [Whistling Continues.]
Radar! Radar? Oh.
I got these new fatigues and cap and everything from the supply sergeant.
Well, how do I look? - Oh, you look very nice, sir.
- Thank you.
Any tags or anything? - Hold it.
- What is it? "Do not remove this tag under penalty of Federal Code 764-J.
" Boy, you get me in trouble, and I'm gonna have your keister.
- Yes, sir.
- [Siren Wails.]
Oh, hell! The kitchen's on fire again.
Sir, it's not the kitchen.
It's General Steele! He just pulled up.
Mention the tag, and I'll kill you.
- Am I perfect? I wanna be perfect.
- Wet your lips.
General, sir.
Welcome to MASH 4077 th.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake commanding.
[Softly.]
Perfect.
Uh, can I help you with the door, General? I read about these new snaps in the, uh, snap bulletin I got there.
[Jeep Siren Blares.]
[Siren Turns Off.]
I'm sorry, General.
Sixty-two years old, and fit to play halfback at the Point.
- Hike.
- Right.
Sergeant? What kind of a formation is this, Colonel? - Just the gang, sir.
- [Softly.]
Call formation.
- Hmm? - Have the company fall in.
Right.
Company, fall in.
- [Whispers.]
Officers in front - Officers in front.
- Enlisted personnel in the rear.
- Shall we inspect the troops, Colonel? Right, General.
Radar Uh, after you, General.
At all times.
- Something, General? - I'm a bit surprised.
Sir, the tag just fell off.
Honest.
- Bear left and a pace behind! - Yes, sir.
My second-in-command, Major Frank Burns.
Trim the hair in your nose! Got that, Sergeant Donovan? - Yes, sir.
- You gave him an "N," General? Nostril.
I'll know what it means.
Our head nurse, Major Margaret Houlihan, sir.
Gut in, chest out! Blackjack Pershing, 1915.
- Oh, sir, would you like the sergeant to write that down? - It isn't noteworthy.
Uh, don't write that down.
He knows what it means.
This is our chaplain, Lieutenant Father Mulcahy.
There are no atheists in foxholes! I've heard that.
I'd like to see a shine on that cross, Father.
This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
The Irish were rotten Indian fighters.
Noncoms.
- The backbone of the service.
Where are you from, son? - Iowa, sir.
No talking in ranks! - [Softly.]
Sir! - Not now, Radar.
- Sir! - What is it? Straight ahead at 12:00! Oh, no.
[Softly.]
Not now, Marjorie.
I'm inspecting the troops.
- You needed me for something? - Yes, Doctor.
Well, I got drafted as soon as I could.
There's been a slight elevation in his temperature.
- Any other problems? - He's complaining of abdominal pains.
Mm-hmm.
- Hiya, Doc.
- You're supposed to be sick at attention.
- [Chuckles.]
- Ahh, I told you not to laugh for three days.
- How do you feel? - So-so.
Stick around.
He could be developing an abscess.
Start him on penicillin.
Right.
Did you get the saltines? I could only get Ry-Krisp, but I'm salting them down.
- You're very thorough.
- I think you'll find I'm pretty much all business.
- ## [Strumming.]
- You got a date tonight? - You have a fantastic grasp of the obvious.
- Love your uniform.
Surplus, from Montezuma's army.
You better not bump into Henry and that general.
I intend only to bump into Nurse Baker.
Repeatedly, if possible.
You think I made myself too handsome? I wanna give her a fighting chance.
Hi.
Got you some cheese.
- Oh! Thank you, Radar.
- Yeah.
When I die, I'm willing you my height.
I'm gonna give you this.
Guess what's in this box.
- Give.
- Something you wanted for tonight.
A dehydrated date.
You add water and there's a girl inside.
- Saltines.
- Radar, you're an exceptional human being.
I snitched those off the cook while he was personally serving General Steele.
Hey, the word's out that general's a little bit "el wacko.
" He made me polish the bottom of his boots and put starch in his socks.
Any questions? - [Laughing.]
- You ready? Got the car ready, Kato? My hat's off to you, Colonel.
How do you manage pork roast on C rations? Oh, just lucky, General.
One of our trucks hit a pig.
Beautifully prepared, an apple in its mouth and all.
We don't get any apples, sir.
Uh, that was a baseball painted red.
- What have we here? - Oh, that's an old tongue depressor, General, sir.
It's military equipment.
You wouldn't carelessly throw away a used rifle, would you? - Oh, I don't know, sir.
We - This can be cleaned up and used again.
- Waste, waste! - Well, now, you see, General, that's full of germs.
I don't even know if you can sterilize wood.
Let me put it to you this way.
Have you ever seen a bird get blood poisoning from a white picket fence? Well, I know so little about birds, sir.
My mother's canary had bronchitis.
It was waste defeated Hannibal at the Battle of Zama.
He was a darky, you know.
- What's that over there, Colonel? - Officers' quarters, sir.
- And there? - That's our four-place latrine, sir.
Good thinking.
The men can encourage each other.
- Camaraderie.
- Precisely.
- What's that building, Colonel? - Storage supply, sir.
- I'd like to see that.
- Yes, sir.
Canary had bronchitis, eh? He didn't die of it, though.
He fell off his little swing and smashed his bill.
Good.
I hate birds.
Mmm, Hawkeye, what are we doing? I was hoping you'd know.
Things are happening too fast.
- You wanna stop and have another saltine? - Hawkeye? - Yeah? - Tell me the truth.
Do you respect me? Do I respect the flag? Apple pie? Hamburgers? The loyalty of a fine dog? That's all I wanted to know.
This is our supply room, General.
Aw, Pierce! And after that, Lieutenant, uh, stack the walls and whitewash the mattresses.
Yes, sir.
I don't understand this.
A civilian giving orders to military personnel? Uh, well, uh, General Steele, sir, uh to tell you the truth, sir, uh, this civilian is, uh B.
F.
Pierce, sir.
United Press.
- United Press? - Right.
Ah, a member of the Fourth Estate.
General Bartford Hamilton Steele.
That's three E's, not all in a row.
For the record, you can say that I predict an early end to the war if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.
Make a good story for you.
See me later.
I've got some 8x10 glossies in my portfolio.
One picture's worth a thousand words, General.
The dying utterance of General Custer.
- You going Stateside soon, Mr.
Pierce? - I certainly hope so, General.
- Uh, we all do, sir.
- When you get home, would you call my wife? - Certainly, General.
- Tell her I'm sending a Jeep for her birthday.
It'll be in a large crate marked "kitchen utensils.
" Don't mention that in your article.
Scout's honor.
You might also tell Mrs.
Steele the dried prunes are working out fine.
Best thing since the Gatling gun.
As a matter of fact, just talking about it Uh, excuse me, where's the little generals' room? Oh, that's just outside, sir.
There you go.
First door on the left, sir.
No, no.
That's the wrong You're going into the Ah, fine, sir.
Whatever.
Damn it, Pierce! You didn't come to formation you didn't come to dinner and then we come in here and find you horsing around with a girl! Henry, that general is gooney bird.
He's psycho.
Yeah, I know.
How do you figure that? - I mean, he comes from a fine family.
- Well, so did the Borgias.
Henry, it's got germs on it.
I mean, you're in civvies, United Press.
What am I gonna do? Have a saltine.
Nine.
Gimme a break.
I'm starvin'.
- [Laughs.]
Ten.
- And this is our little officers' club, General Steele.
Although we allow anyone in, except the enemy, of course.
- [Laughs.]
- Hi, Henry.
Uh, General, this is Captain Mclntyre, one of our really fine surgeons.
- Surgeon.
Doctor, eh? - Not yet.
My brother contacted yellow fever during the digging of the Panama Canal.
- You should've called me sooner, sir.
- Good pretzels.
Thank you.
Uh, sir, this is Warrant Officer Martin Williams one of the best chopper pilots in the theater.
- General.
- Williams.
- Well, General, care for a little drink? - War and whiskey don't mix.
General Grant kept throwin' up on his bugler.
Chopper pilot, eh? - Yes, General.
- How far is it to the front, Williams? - Twenty minutes, General.
- And what is your fuel consumption? Twenty gallons an hour, General.
Waste, waste, waste! We're gonna have to move your unit closer to the front, Colonel.
Where the guys are fighting, sir? "You do your best business on Main Street.
" General Cornwallis.
It's not all that pleasant being on the 50-yard line, General.
- It's very dangerous, sir.
- Danger is our business.
Get your second-in-command, and we'll find a new location.
MASH means Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, and mobile you shall be! Sir.
Sir, that'll mean tearing down the tents, the buildings.
We'll have to pack everything up.
I mean, we've been here a long time.
We fixed it up so nice.
I mean, gee whiz, just last week the nurses planted radishes.
"A radish will never stand in the way of victory.
" Marshal Foch.
Moving the hospital closer to combat? Now I know he's crazy.
He's a fruitcake.
He's got raisins for eyes.
History shows that most great military minds border on the eccentric.
- You gotta jump me.
- I don't want to.
- [Groans.]
- Life in the big city.
That general is nuts! I've seen that look in every Hitchcock movie.
Can you still see the hair in my nose? Uh-huh, but it's parted on the wrong side.
I never realized I had so much hair up there.
I did.
I just thought it was an ingrown mustache.
[Jeep Siren Wails.]
Come on, Frank.
The general wants to go look for the new hospital site.
- Henry, you're not really gonna let this guy move us? - He'll get us killed! Well, what am I supposed to do? He's a two-star general.
But he's a three-star loony.
He is nuts, isn't he? Is Bismarck a herring? - Henry.
- Yeah? What if you just disobeyed him? I can't disobey an order.
I mean, unless somebody gives me an order to do it.
- Terrific.
- [Jeep Siren Wails.]
- Come on, let's not keep dingdong waiting.
- Geronimo! Well, you can see for yourselves, gentlemen.
This is a much more desirable location.
Good water supply.
Flat ground, easier logistics.
This is it.
We move tomorrow.
That's an order.
- Whatever you say, General.
- Aren't we forgetting something, Colonel? - General? - You accepted an order.
That requires a salute.
Uh, saluting isn't advisable around here, sir.
No, sir.
There are snipers.
And they could see that you're the higher ranking officer.
Pish tosh! Let me have it.
[Gunshots Ricocheting.]
- [Gunshot.]
- Well, we can stand and fight or we can have lunch.
- Lunch! - Lunch! Yeah, I'm a little hungry myself.
[Gunshots Continue.]
# I love a parade # #The beat of the drums Dah, dah, dah, dum # # I love ## They can do more for you down in Seoul.
I'll send you my bill later.
Don't laugh.
- Land soft, Marty.
- Gotcha.
[Jeep Siren Wailing.]
- Hold that chopper! - I got an emergency.
That patient's going to Seoul.
I need that chopper! I wish to use it to observe the move! Sorry, General.
Go! - You bring that chopper back down here! - Too late, General.
- You're insubordinate! You're insolent! - Right! Right! And you're nuts! All right.
This preliminary hearing is now in order.
- General? - Thank you, Colonel Atkins.
I'll make this as brief as possible so we can get on with movin'this unit.
- Charges.
- "Re: Captain Benjamin" Get on with the charges! Charges.
"Insubordination.
Disobedience of orders.
- Impersonating a civilian.
" - Thought I forgot about you in the storage room, didn't you? It was a night I'll never forget.
I'd like to interrogate the first witness, Colonel.
- By your leave, General.
- "Warrant Officer Martin H.
Williams.
" - Yes, General.
- I want you to know there are no charges against you.
You simply obeyed the orders of a superior.
The sign of a good soldier.
Now, feel at ease.
Just tell in your own words the incident at the helicopter pad yesterday at 0900 hours.
But first, a number.
Sir? You know, a musical number.
Well, you've got it in your blood, boy.
Just let it out.
#When the sun goes down the tide goes out # #The darkies stand around and they all begin to shout # # Hey, hey, Uncle Fud It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud # #Hey, hey, Uncle Fud It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud # #It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud # #What a dance they all do # # Lordy, they all dance for you # ##[Continues.]
- I take it we don't have to leave? - Only the general does.
In a rubber truck.
- ## [Strumming.]
- Hey, Trap.
Look at this one playin' basketball.
Not a bad hook shot for a girl.
Hey, did you guys read Stars and Stripes today? What, Henry? "General Bartford Hamilton Steele has been promoted to three-star general "for meritorious service in Korea.
"His new assignment is the Pentagon where he will be in charge of operations for the entire Asian theater.
" Hmph! And you all thought he was crazy.
Crazy? A three-star general? Hit it! #When the sun goes down and the tide goes out # #They all gather round and they all begin to shout # [Together.]
# Hey, hey, on my way # #What a dance they may do # # Lordy, how ##