Melissa & Joey s03e01 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ryder, Lennox, poker night! Let's go, get down here.
It's family togetherness time where I take all your money.
Wish we could, but Zander is taking me to an art show.
It's photos of people taking photos of people.
It's very meta.
Whatever happened to just parking behind the supermarket and making out? - What the--? - I didn't mean that.
Do the meta thing.
I like this new artist boyfriend.
He seems pretty harmless.
There's no such thing as a harmless 17-year-old boy, Mel.
Unless he's neutered.
Do you remember when Lennox broke up with Haskell right before she met Zander? Those were the happiest nine minutes of my life.
- Hey, there he is.
- What's up? You ready to bleed some money? Can't tonight, Joe.
School camping trip's tomorrow, and a bunch of us are going over to mark's house to hang out.
Oh, and that's more fun than hanging out with us? Well, it's cheaper.
All right, see you guys.
See you.
Okay, well Guess it's just the two of us, then.
Yeah, it's gonna happen a lot now.
You know, us.
Alone in an Empty house.
I'm sure we can figure out something fun to do with each other.
Like what? Is that coming from your pants? Yep.
That would be my phone.
Oh look, it's Tatiana.
Mm, what did she do to merit such a classy ringtone? Don't ask questions you don't want answered, Mel.
Hey there.
We've noticed it too.
One A-list celebrity after another hooking up with the nanny.
Now you know who I'm talking about, right, Kev? Listen, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke, Robin Williams.
Something must happen in the house that people just can't fight.
Oh, they can fight it, because it's just gross.
Hey.
All right, do did you think of something that we could do with each other? Not gonna happen.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
- Need some help with that? - Thanks, Joe, but I think I've developed the skill set necessary to stuff sweatpants into a duffel bag.
Okay.
Your fly's down.
So, three days out in the wilderness, huh? You know, there's no video games out there, no texting.
Oh, and the only angry birds are Angry birds.
I think I'll survive.
I'm sure you will.
Where's your other shoe? Oh, man, I don't know.
Ryder, your size 48 shoe was in the shower.
See? Solved it.
Look at you all grown up with your two shoes.
Wow, you are looking awfully Armani this morning.
Oh, you know nothing.
I'm actually very Hugo Boss.
- Because? - Because I have a job interview.
A very big job interview, actually.
And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell your Aunt Mel because-- - it's best not to tell her stuff.
- That's how we live.
Thank you.
Wow, you look nice.
Were you indicted? Actually, I'm on my way to a funeral.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Anyone we know? Yes, as a matter of fact.
It's um The trash man.
Odd, I could have sworn I saw him this morning.
Yeah.
You know, in my grief, I misspoke.
I meant the mailman.
I would send a sympathy card, but there's no one to deliver it.
You know, I sense you're covering something, but in order to pursue it, I would have to care.
And I'm happy to say I don't.
All right, bye, guys.
See you in four days.
Oh that's right.
You're leaving today.
Oh, my little baby nephew.
Little? Burke, that kid's a giraffe.
If he grows any taller, we're gonna have to start recutting the doors.
Fantastic committee hearing today.
I was electrifying.
The entire zoning commission was hanging on my every word.
Huh.
Look what Zander drew for me.
And now I'm home and my power to captivate is gone.
No, look.
Isn't it awesome? Oh, so awesome.
I mean just as awesome as the other 30 drawings he did that look exactly the same.
No, this is different.
See, this is me looking to the left.
Best ones are where I'm looking slightly up and to the right.
Does this kid draw anything else? All right, what are you getting at? Well, honey, he's obsessed with you.
Enjoy it.
Doesn't last long.
Hey.
Oh my-- are you kidding me? Doesn't this guy know how to draw anything else? It's like you're dating a Xerox machine.
You two are dead inside, like husks of corn left out in the sun.
Husks of corn who buy your clothes.
Wow, I thought you made up the whole funeral story.
I didn't know you were that close to the mailman.
Oh, the mailman's fine.
Only thing that got buried today was my career.
Isn't that old news? I mean, aww.
You know Zev Buchwald from down the street, the sporting goods guy? He's expanding citywide, and he comes up to me the other day and he says, "hey, Joe, we could really use somebody like you.
" - Well, that sounds positive.
- Yeah, his massive expansion means he needs help around the house working as the nanny.
You know, pushing the strollers, wiping the butts.
Well, yeah, look on the bright side-- the mailman's not dead.
Here's the thing though-- the offer he gave me was actually pretty good.
And I think I may even get him to come up.
What? Whoa.
Are you negotiating a salary? No, are you kidding? If I take another job like this, - then I really will be a nanny.
- Well, aren't you one now? I'm just asking.
No, I'm not.
I only work as a nanny.
All right, what I am is an executive in transition who took a temporary job to tide him over.
Yeah.
Three years ago.
- I'm sorry, what was that? - Nothing.
You know, it's obvious why they want you-- Ryder and Lennox are good kids.
You're a big part of that.
I'm an even bigger part.
But you know, numbers aren't important.
It's not a pie chart.
There's another thing you're great at-- pies.
I do make a damn good cherry pie.
We all need you around here, Joe.
No no, you don't.
You don't.
Look, all Ryder's friends drive.
Lennox spends all her time with her boyfriend.
Seriously, Mel, I got nothing to do here all day but lift weights.
I mean, look at me, you know? I've never been any hotter.
And yet I'm empty inside.
I'm like this insanely lean-cut shell of a man.
I mean, give me one reason why you need me here - We-- - Besides pies, or dinner, or anything that you can digest.
Sure, there aren't that many minute-to-minute things with the kids, but I think of you like-- Like-- like this fire extinguisher over here.
Okay, you don't need it every day, but when you do, it's right here waiting for you.
Hanging on the wall.
Yeah yeah.
I want you on that wall.
I need you on that wall.
Ready to spray yourself all over any problem.
You know, maybe-- maybe you're right.
Maybe this is it for me, you know? Maybe I'm gonna be doing this for the rest of my life.
Nanny Joe.
Joe the nanny.
End of story.
- Where are you going? - I don't know, but when you say something that final, you have to leave the room or else you end up looking stupid.
Joe, stay.
I'm not sure I can, Burke.
Joe is seriously considering the offer.
He might actually go work for those awful people across the street.
The buchwalds are very nice.
Whose side are you on? Fine, I'll badmouth the neighbors.
Their mailbox pisses me off! Can you help me come up with something to keep Joe busy? He thinks there's no reason for him to be here.
Uh, maybe 'cause there's not.
You knew Joe wasn't gonna be around here forever.
Is this about losing an employee, or is it something more? No.
It's less, much less.
I just want Joe to feel wanted-- I mean, necessary.
And I will find important necessary things for him to do.
Even if you have to make stuff up? Oh, please.
I'm hardly that desperate.
Solar panels.
- What? - I'm gonna get Joe to install solar panels all over the roof.
It's physical, it's dangerous, and he can work shirtless, which he obviously lives for.
I am good.
Wait a minute, didn't Joe want to install solar panels, like, two years ago and you said no? Exactly.
It's gonna look like I caved, and Joe loves it when I cave.
Oh, but you're not really caving, are you? Of course not.
I manipulate, I bend the truth, I steal diet sugar packets.
But I never cave.
The guidance counselor doesn't get that I only want to apply to art schools.
He is a narrow-minded art hater.
Not like you.
No.
I love art.
I think art is cute, and I want to kiss it on the nose.
You know what? I'm gonna tell that lame guidance counselor it's art school or nothing when I see him at 1:00.
Uh, it's 1:15, honey.
Crap.
He's gonna send me to Florida State.
You know for an artist, he's got a really nice butt.
I know.
And he's obsessed with me.
I don't know how I live with it.
Is this Zander's sketch book? Yeah.
You know how you can tell? Me.
Oh, me.
Strange brunette.
Me.
Strange brunette.
Strange brunette again.
- Who is she? - I don't know, - but I'm gonna find out.
- She's very pretty.
Yeah, for now.
Look at this electric bill.
It is so high.
Whoo.
High.
Check this.
The school's already posting pics of Ryder's camping trip.
Here's Ryder paddling a canoe.
Ryder standing up in a canoe.
Here's two guys fishing Ryder out of the water.
Well, I bet there's no picture of him turning off a light after he's done using it.
You know, we really need some cheaper power.
You know? Some dependable energy.
An alternative source.
I don't know.
Panels of some kind.
Perhaps solar.
I told you that two years ago.
Oh, my gosh, you did.
Ha.
Boy, older and wiser, huh? You know what? I bet you could install them.
Are you saying that you were wrong and I was right? That's what I'm saying, Joe.
That is what I'm saying.
I'm not buying it.
I think you're making this up.
You don't want solar panels.
Yes, I do.
I do with all my heart.
No.
No you don't.
You're just trying to keep me busy.
You know what this is? This is a pity solarization.
Joe, does it really matter? Yes, it does matter, okay? Because you're afraid to say what this is really about.
This is about you and me.
I mean, it's pretty obvious.
You know, I've felt it for a long time too.
You have? Well then, maybe you should say it first.
Okay, fine.
I will.
You don't think I can get another job.
That's it.
No, that's not-- wait, that's not it.
What? Of course you can get another job.
No no.
You don't think I can.
But you know what? I'm gonna prove to you that I actually can get another job.
I'm gonna call that Buchwald guy, and if that job is still available, I'm telling him I'm taking it.
Now give me your credit card.
What for? Oh, I'm still putting up the solar panels.
A good idea's a good idea.
No mystery girl.
I've already been through all 853 of Zander's Facebook friends.
Now I'm checking friends of friends.
That's another like I may have to skip P.
E.
You are handling this so well.
It's like jealousy has given you super strength.
You know, maybe I can't find her because he made her up.
I mean, he's an artist.
They make stuff up all the time.
Maybe, but you'll never know for sure unless you ask him.
Hey, guys, did you happen to see my sketch book? I think I left it around here.
Ah, there it is.
Thank God.
You didn't look inside, did you? What for? I mean, we all know what's inside of it.
Pictures of me, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
You know, it must be boring just drawing me.
You probably want to draw something else every once in awhile, don't you? Nope.
No, not this guy.
In fact, I'm gonna go home and draw you right now.
From memory.
He totally did not make her up.
She's as real as the guilty look on his adorable little face.
So the Buchwalds said I could start over there part time during the day when it's quiet here looking after the kids, and I can slowly transition into full time.
I don't accept this.
You can't just up and leave.
You have to give me at least two years' notice.
Two years? Look, there are things I'll miss if you go.
- Like what? - Everything.
I don't know.
Shut up.
Look, I'm just saying think about it and then decide to stay right here.
Burke, I already told the Buchwalds that I would start looking after their little baby tomorrow.
A baby? Do you how selfish babies are? Leave us alone.
I'm in the middle of an important conversation.
Come on.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Seriously, what do you need me for around here anymore? Tell them to go away.
Oh, it's the school.
This is Joe Longo.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Everybody's okay, but they need to speak - with Ryder's guardian.
- This is Mel Burke.
Uh-huh.
Smoking pot? Better be this kind.
I'll be right there.
All right.
Joey, you're going with me.
- And you're driving.
- How come? 'Cause it's wrong to drink and drive.
Wait, wait, wait.
Out, out.
Let's go.
So the vice principal brought the whole group in and one-by-one and asked us who smoked.
There were five of us who did it, but I'm the only one who told the truth, so I'm the only one in trouble.
How could you be so stupid to smoke pot on a school trip? How could you be so stupid to be the only one to admit it? That's nice, Burke.
Way to instill values.
Yeah, I'm trying to instill common sense.
You don't have to admit to stuff, when they don't have the goods on you.
Can you find the politician in the room, anyone? Oh, forgive me for having survival instincts.
You guys, shouldn't you be focusing on Ryder and how he's dealing with all of this? No no.
Let them go after each other.
No need to focus on me.
Oh no no.
The focus is on you, snoop.
Says here there's a disciplinary hearing for Ryder and his parents slash guardians tomorrow.
This is so bogus.
It was Josh who brought the weed.
I never even smoked before.
I just figured what's the harm in trying it? Oh, so your judgment was worse before you smoked pot? All right, well, the meeting's tomorrow at 4:20.
I have to move some stuff, but I'll be there.
I wish I could be there, but unfortunately I already told the Buchwalds I'd watch their six-month-old baby tomorrow.
Didn't even get high Unless this is all a hallucination and I'm still on the camping trip.
Welcome home, puff daddy.
Friends of friends of friends.
I have looked at so many faces all white people look the same to me.
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
My thumbs are cramping.
Oh, suck it up, Noelle.
This girl isn't gonna find herself.
Lennox, I don't think she exists.
Maybe you were right and she's just a picture in a notebook.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm really just driving myself crazy for nothing.
Refill? No thanks, we're done.
Completely done.
Didn't mean to scare you with the coffee.
You look so nice, Aunt Mel.
Save it.
But thanks.
This is a new blazer.
Ryder, we're ready for you.
You're Mrs.
Scanlon? No, I'm his aunt, Mel Burke.
His mother and father aren't available.
So it's just you? Yep, it's just me.
I made it.
Fantastic.
Joe.
You're here.
I thought you said you couldn't-- yeah well, I figured this was a fire-extinguisher moment if there ever was one, right? I would agree with that.
- And you are? - Oh, Joe Longo.
Hi.
Yeah.
Tucker Buchwald.
Joe's a very big part of this.
I'm a big part.
All right.
Come in.
Ryder, are you ready? - Burke, you feeling good? - Better now.
Okay, let's roll.
Zander, I'm thinking about dyeing my hair.
Would you like me better as a brunette? I'd like you better the way you are.
Oh, really? So you wouldn't like me better if I looked like this? Oh boy.
What is going on with her? It's nothing.
I promise.
Zander, you don't hide nothing.
Look, I don't even know her name.
I just sit at the coffee shop, and I draw her when she's not looking.
Oh, that's not too creepy.
That makes me feel much better.
Why are you drawing another girl? Because I can totally capture her on paper.
I got her, right? Totally.
Whereas I can never get you.
I draw you and I draw you, and I never even come close.
It's just so-- it's so frustrating.
So I went off and I found a girl that was easier.
What? Simpler to draw.
You're just-- you're so beautiful.
I can never get it down on paper.
You could have just told me.
I thought you'd get jealous.
Me? That's crazy.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, I promise I won't draw her anymore.
No.
Draw whatever you like, whatever inspires you.
Just not girls.
- I leave that up to you.
- Understood.
- Hey, dude, how'd it go? - Oh, terrific.
I'll be upstairs for the next few years if anybody needs me.
Expelled or suspended? Suspended for the rest of the year.
It's their zero-tolerance policy.
Man, that sucks.
Oh, you are so sweet.
Okay, every happy person has to leave.
Bup bup bup bup bup.
You up, you out.
That's three months of the school year at home.
What happens to his education? Gave us this list of tutors, we can choose one of these.
Oh great.
A bunch of chumps who couldn't get a job at a public school.
We could just forget about college.
Why don't we just take him down to the street corner right now and teach him how to dance with one of those "apartment for rent" signs.
These are all highly trained professionals, Mel.
All right? We'll just pick a name.
You know what? I'm not using anybody on that list.
'Cause as it happens, I know the best tutor available.
Yeah? You got a resume for the guy? - What are you doing? - Come on, Joe.
I'm not playing this.
This is a silly game.
I'm not-- we could just-- we're right here.
We can-- hello? You are the world's greatest expert at everything.
Okay, you just made a really good point.
I'm listening.
He needs somebody, Joe.
And who better? You know you said you had nothing to do? This would be something really important to do.
Look, Burke, I committed to the-- okay, Burke-- okay.
Burke, I committed to the Buchwalds.
That was never gonna work out, okay? That selfish baby was gonna suck up all your time.
And this way you get to stay here with a promotion.
You know, still do all the nanny stuff.
I get pie.
Everybody's happy.
I guess teaching Ryder how the world works would be slightly more rewarding than - changing diapers.
- Sure is.
Wow.
Joe Longo, academic tutor, huh? Never really saw that coming.
Well, that's the thing with these older kids.
You know, there's less to do minute to minute, but when a parenting moment hits, it's a friggin' tsunami.
And when it comes to dealing with kids, there really isn't anyone better than I am.
You got that right.
Hey, what happened to the Buchwald kid? The what? Oh, crap.
The baby.
Oh.
I left him on the porch.
Hey, buddy.
Don't tell your mom and dad.
So, in summation, this country's greatness comes from our Western expansion, which is an expression of our entrepreneurial spirit characterized by who? A businessman, alright? Who's actually the real hero of the American story.
This is your lesson? What about the federal government who made all of that possible? Are you kidding me? All the government did was get in our way.
If you guys are just gonna go-- Lincoln got in the way?? George freakin' Washington got in the way?! - What if I just-- - Who's on our money, Joe? Henry Ford? Donald trump? Aunt Jemima? Is any of this gonna be on the test? They should be because they made this country.
No, they made this country breakfast.
I hate parent-teacher conferences.
They made this country great.
You know what would be great? Is if you went on the roof right now and installed those solar panels that have been - sitting outside-- - Yeah, that would be great.
But you know what I'm doing right now? I'm educating.
- I'm expanding his mind.
- Educate the roof.
- I'm expanding his mind.
- Go educate the roof.
- I will educate-- - Solar panels!