Metalocalypse (2006) s03e01 Episode Script
Renovationklok
business with you and Dethklok, Charles Well Roy, the way this band has been doing I think we'll all become very wealthy lt's all quite metal What's that, uh, sound? Oh Hey, where's all the fucking naked sluts? Dad, your stupid whore secretary told me that you "weren't to be bothered" I told her to go fuck herself And then I slapped her Now I need some money Now! l'm sorry gentlemen This is my son Damien Damien! This is a private meeting! You should be back at recording industry college! Fuck that stupid shit l'll be running this place anyway since you don't know what the fuck you're doing Look You'll just let anybody in here! Ha Look at this long haired monkey What kind of music do you play? Death metal You motherfucker aybe it's best we all cool down, huh? You'll be sorry for that, you son of a bitch! sorry, uh again Mmhmm What do I tell you guys before every meeting? Try not to punch people Try not to punch people That's correct What do you expect from us? These meetings are sooo boring We don't care about them You should care, William Let me just say this to everybody Pay attention to this contractual stuff because, uh, what if i'm not around in the future? [ echoing .]
[ snoring .]
[ jackhammer, banging .]
[ construction continues .]
Arghhhh!! Ugghhh God it's loud! [ retching .]
[ screaming, retching .]
[ construction continues .]
shut up with the fucking construction, man! Can you guys see that hungover people are trying to sleep? How the fuck can people listen to that racket? [ death metal plays .]
There That's better What's up bro!??! Who the fuck are you? l'm some dude! I snuck in How is that possible? I just snuck into your trunk last night! You guys were pretty hammered!! Whose in charge of fucking security now? Dude you're my favorite singer! You gotta leave a message on my cell phone! Ugh Weird dude in my bedroom This doesn't look good [ jackhammer .]
Oh, good mornins! Nice of yous twos to join us! Dudes, when the fuck is this place gonna be fuckin' finished? I need to be able to start sleeping again! Well, we're almost done now that we've picked the most beautiful and elegant interior designer in the whole world Who is that dildo?!!! some guy who snuck right in! Oh Murderface, don't Don't do that Ow! Ow! stop! fuck you lady! You're fired!!! Get out of here! l'm sorry it didn't work out you know Call me if you want to hang, you know what l'm saying Or whatever You, weirdo There's the door Get the fuck out of here and uh, thanks uh, for buying our records My friends are never gonna believe me! see you guys later! ALL: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! TOKl: Oh nooooos!! Not agains!!!! PlCKLEs: we keep forgetting that we're up here!!! sKWlsGAAR: Until renovations ams finished at least NATHAN: Guys, we don't have a manager now so all the stupid fuckin' shit is up to us Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! l'llteach you torock Dethklok, Dethklok skwisgaar skwigelf, taller than a tree Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee William Murderface Murderface Murderface Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo Nathan Explosion Dethklok in a press conference recently announced plans for their first live show since its attack, giving a muchneeded boost to the world's economy We know that the world is going through a tough time right now economically And we see a lot of businesses scaling down But not us We're going to put on the biggest, most expensive elaborate live show that's ever been done We're gonna make spending money metal Check it out! We made solid crystal posters and they're not even for sale! Tickets are pentouple price! There's no recession for metal! The recession is an asshole! And with the untimely death of their manager, how will Dethklok continue to organize their multi krillion dollar business? We're not hiring a replacement manager Too fuckin' soon Kimosabe We're taking on all management, uh, thingies I ams in charge of Financials Treasuries I am head of Financial Business Affairs l'm chief of Financial Receipts Gathering Deputy President of Financial Monies l'ms in charge of snacks fuckin' bullshit Aren't you frightened of mismanaging this band? Charles Offdensen was considered by many a financial genius What are your credentials? Fuck you! That's my credentials! We know what we're fuckin' doing, as and with Dethklok in charge of their finances' how will they control their spending? Receipts have been submitted to the media that show billions of dollars squandered on vanity projects Fifteen million dollars was spent on Dethklok kitty shades, sunglasses for cats Twenty million was spent on the "super tits candy snake project", which was never completed or defined And finally, $855 million was spent converting 90 acres of land and corn silos into "Cool Ranch Dorito" dispensers [ cheering .]
Welcome to Dethklok's Dorito Land! [ electricity buzzing, people screaming .]
l'd like to remind you all that Dorito Land is not open to the public lt's just for us sorry Which brings us to now With the economic world in flux, Dethklok has cancelled all interviews to work on "more important issues" Guys, ever since Murderface harassed that other interior designer and she fell out of our house, it made me think we got to be the interior designers of Mordhaus All it is is making decisions l'll make a decision right now, check this out I decided to slice it so then what are we going to do about the living room? That's the most important decision because that's the room that everybody shares Am I right? Yeah, you're right Guys, wait! l've got it! I got it! A sandscape! A big badass indoor desert scene sandscape right here! No! Living room is going to be a badass Arizona style No way! Tucson! Fuck no! scottsdale! Right here man! You know how I feel about sand! But it's an escape! I hate this idea! Real cactus, real tumbleweeds, real snakes! Huh? Jackrabbit! Where's Toki? He'd love that! Where is he? sand will get everywhere, Murderface Vacuum No problem Oh yeah, like that won't be a fuckin' nightmare Oh, uh, guess l'm gonna leave the room Guess l'll vacuum my stupid fuckin' shoes again Tucson! scottsdale! Ugh Do you know what goes into making a house a home? fuckin' badass concert lighting l'll show you Uh Toki You're supposed to be making snacks And all l'm smelling is burning plastic And you know that burning plastic isn't snacks I mean, Toki? Are you listening to me? I misses hims Pickle We all do Even though we don't say it Why don't we says it, Pickle? Toki [ sighs .]
because admitting sadness makes you gay I feel we're taking Dethklok and managing it right downs the crapper Toki Okay, listen You're in charge of snacks And judging by your snack [ Nathan screaming .]
Ams dat Nathans screamins? Alright check this out lt's scream activated lighting Whaaaaaa!!!!! see? You come home it's dark Where are my keys? Whaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Over there Put it in every single room of the house l'm afraid that's going to cost an awful lot of money l'm just telling you Fuck money! ALL: Fuck money! Dis is my platinums practice chambers I has a solid ruby metronome And a champagne humidifier so fuckin' expensive dat it makes me horny This is my endangered species furniture room seriously guys Fuck money My Lords may I please speak with you about a personal financial matter? What? Go! Talk! Masters our paychecks are not being honored at the bank Ohhhhhhh Uhhh, lets see That's weird Yes sire lt bounced Guys if their money's fuck'd then our could be too! We gotta find out what's going on with our money! You'll be sorry for that, you son ofa bitch I'll never fuckin' forget you did this since my poor father has been ill it's been my personal task to clean this company up Which brings me to Dethklok Dethklok is finally in a vulnerable position And they're getting no more of the label money until they renegotiate the terms that we think are fair And if they don't They'll be sorry NATHAN: Guys, uh I just checked all of our accounts and uh, no money is coming in What the fuck is going on here? sKWlsGAAR: Uh, Williams? Did you pay the electrics bill? MURDERFACE: uh, what am l gonna pay it with? My farts? [ creaking .]
ALL: [ screaming .]
REPORTER: This is the footage that caught the world's attention Dethklok literally plummeting both financially and actually Hopefully this hiccup won't affect Dethklok's "most expensive concert ever" Gentlemen, for the first time Dethklok could be in grave financial peril Vader Orlag? Dethklok lost a truly important part of their empire This man With him gone Dethklok hasn't the capabilities to make educated business decisions and in the meantime they're squandering billions Here to explain more about Dethklok's financial problems is Dethklok financial expert Wilmore Unduntingiminen Dethklok is acting as their own management and the limits of their financial ruin are endless And then there's this man Damien Cornickleson, heir apparent to Crystal Mountain Records currently run by his well respected and terminally ill father Roy Cornickleson But what label owner in their right mind would devour their most profitable entity? Damien is a record executive a cunning hotheaded opportunist Don't you see, they thrive on misleading, tricking and ensnaring They're like feral animals, rabid dogs thinking only of what will benefit them in the moment And since Dethklok is already making bad decisions Exactly Why not make one more that could end up being their undoing? He is indeed a dangerous man Our record's selling really well, at least that's what it says on the news so why should we renegotiate? Yeah! Why ams we recongotinates? We know your that your most expensive concert ever is coming up and if we don't hear the answer that we want, we have the right to shut down the event lt's all in the contract we're faxing you But wes already spents our monies on de concert!!! Dats the only ways we gets it back! That's right l'll pull the plug on your show and you'll never make your money back You'll be doomed Renegotiate Dude this thing is fuck'd lt's totally cluttered with addendums and appendixes and stuff like that But what does it mean? I think it means that this slick asshole is trying to fuck us We should get some help with this You know how bad that would look? We're supposed to be our own management and legal consult lt's like admitting failure Wait, I totally know where to go Come on Listen, I know you guys are regular dildos and stuff but you sell records, so this shit should make sense to your fuckin' ass right? Yeah it should she's not answering Let me try to talk to her so does this make any sense to you? Uhhhhh My managers not in now No but You You Do you know what these words mean? Uhh, "exclusivity"? Yeah, yeah, yeah Here we go, here we go Uhh, cross recoupment? Here we go I told ya My manager isn't here today Okay gimme that back! This is a waste of time Ladies and gentlemen The store is closing in 5 minutes lt's closing forever because it's a record store And, they're all closing I wanna thank all the employees for sticking around and sticking it through the tough times so enjoy illegally downloading all your mp3's online Hey guys I just thoughts about somethings What evers happens to The Klokateers whos nevers gots their paychecks? Ooh yeah? Why are we all so dreary? We shouldn't have to worry about this crap We never have before! We should just concentrate on what we're good at Death metal and interior design! surprise! Take it in! I know, I know its supposed to be a group effort but look, check it out! I went above and beyond I gotta go take a shit [ Nathan groaning .]
[ groans .]
Whoaaa! [ Nathan shudders .]
Let's see how much this thing cost Guys l've been crunching numbers and financially, I don't know how to say this, but we're fuck'd Thanks to Murderface's sandscape we're in the red Good one, Murderface The only way we're gonna make money back is if this concert is successful And until then, we're really gonna have to cut down on spending Oh guys, we can't eats here, dis ams too expensive Now where are we gonna eat for restaurant night? This is the only restaurant I think we can afford now I didn't realize that 71 1 was a restaurant Listen The construction has stopped Dats because they don'ts gets paid, stupid Ow! Guys, start turning the couches over We gotta find some loose change for some fuckin' hamburgers We're live tonight in Monaco eagerly awaiting night sold out record setting biggest most elaborate most expensive concert ever Quite a feat in this economic climate This is also the first show Dethklok has ever done without the aid of their manager/lawyer CFO Charles Offdensen Look guys, tonight's the only night that we can really make back the money that we spent while we were acting like assholes as managers And I know the label has been threatening to shut this thing down so they can force us to renegotiate I think we just got to play this concert and call their bluff so uh, let's just play and hope for the best Go get em, guys Yeek shitty speech, l'm sorry Go, uh Nathan? Just stop talking Just stop talking all money and fuckin' destroy it lt will rain worthless blood money onto your putrid souls Tonight we will watch money commit suicide [ angry screams .]
What's going on out there? The label shut us down What are we gonna to do? You boys got a show to do Don't worry, l'll be right here when you're done l'm going to have a little meeting with these guys You're right, Nathan I was dead I made sure that I was pronounced dead on the premises Where were you for the last nine months? I can't tell you now But when the time is right, I will There's something much bigger than us going on out there But that's a story for later In the meantime
[ snoring .]
[ jackhammer, banging .]
[ construction continues .]
Arghhhh!! Ugghhh God it's loud! [ retching .]
[ screaming, retching .]
[ construction continues .]
shut up with the fucking construction, man! Can you guys see that hungover people are trying to sleep? How the fuck can people listen to that racket? [ death metal plays .]
There That's better What's up bro!??! Who the fuck are you? l'm some dude! I snuck in How is that possible? I just snuck into your trunk last night! You guys were pretty hammered!! Whose in charge of fucking security now? Dude you're my favorite singer! You gotta leave a message on my cell phone! Ugh Weird dude in my bedroom This doesn't look good [ jackhammer .]
Oh, good mornins! Nice of yous twos to join us! Dudes, when the fuck is this place gonna be fuckin' finished? I need to be able to start sleeping again! Well, we're almost done now that we've picked the most beautiful and elegant interior designer in the whole world Who is that dildo?!!! some guy who snuck right in! Oh Murderface, don't Don't do that Ow! Ow! stop! fuck you lady! You're fired!!! Get out of here! l'm sorry it didn't work out you know Call me if you want to hang, you know what l'm saying Or whatever You, weirdo There's the door Get the fuck out of here and uh, thanks uh, for buying our records My friends are never gonna believe me! see you guys later! ALL: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! TOKl: Oh nooooos!! Not agains!!!! PlCKLEs: we keep forgetting that we're up here!!! sKWlsGAAR: Until renovations ams finished at least NATHAN: Guys, we don't have a manager now so all the stupid fuckin' shit is up to us Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! l'llteach you torock Dethklok, Dethklok skwisgaar skwigelf, taller than a tree Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee William Murderface Murderface Murderface Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo Nathan Explosion Dethklok in a press conference recently announced plans for their first live show since its attack, giving a muchneeded boost to the world's economy We know that the world is going through a tough time right now economically And we see a lot of businesses scaling down But not us We're going to put on the biggest, most expensive elaborate live show that's ever been done We're gonna make spending money metal Check it out! We made solid crystal posters and they're not even for sale! Tickets are pentouple price! There's no recession for metal! The recession is an asshole! And with the untimely death of their manager, how will Dethklok continue to organize their multi krillion dollar business? We're not hiring a replacement manager Too fuckin' soon Kimosabe We're taking on all management, uh, thingies I ams in charge of Financials Treasuries I am head of Financial Business Affairs l'm chief of Financial Receipts Gathering Deputy President of Financial Monies l'ms in charge of snacks fuckin' bullshit Aren't you frightened of mismanaging this band? Charles Offdensen was considered by many a financial genius What are your credentials? Fuck you! That's my credentials! We know what we're fuckin' doing, as and with Dethklok in charge of their finances' how will they control their spending? Receipts have been submitted to the media that show billions of dollars squandered on vanity projects Fifteen million dollars was spent on Dethklok kitty shades, sunglasses for cats Twenty million was spent on the "super tits candy snake project", which was never completed or defined And finally, $855 million was spent converting 90 acres of land and corn silos into "Cool Ranch Dorito" dispensers [ cheering .]
Welcome to Dethklok's Dorito Land! [ electricity buzzing, people screaming .]
l'd like to remind you all that Dorito Land is not open to the public lt's just for us sorry Which brings us to now With the economic world in flux, Dethklok has cancelled all interviews to work on "more important issues" Guys, ever since Murderface harassed that other interior designer and she fell out of our house, it made me think we got to be the interior designers of Mordhaus All it is is making decisions l'll make a decision right now, check this out I decided to slice it so then what are we going to do about the living room? That's the most important decision because that's the room that everybody shares Am I right? Yeah, you're right Guys, wait! l've got it! I got it! A sandscape! A big badass indoor desert scene sandscape right here! No! Living room is going to be a badass Arizona style No way! Tucson! Fuck no! scottsdale! Right here man! You know how I feel about sand! But it's an escape! I hate this idea! Real cactus, real tumbleweeds, real snakes! Huh? Jackrabbit! Where's Toki? He'd love that! Where is he? sand will get everywhere, Murderface Vacuum No problem Oh yeah, like that won't be a fuckin' nightmare Oh, uh, guess l'm gonna leave the room Guess l'll vacuum my stupid fuckin' shoes again Tucson! scottsdale! Ugh Do you know what goes into making a house a home? fuckin' badass concert lighting l'll show you Uh Toki You're supposed to be making snacks And all l'm smelling is burning plastic And you know that burning plastic isn't snacks I mean, Toki? Are you listening to me? I misses hims Pickle We all do Even though we don't say it Why don't we says it, Pickle? Toki [ sighs .]
because admitting sadness makes you gay I feel we're taking Dethklok and managing it right downs the crapper Toki Okay, listen You're in charge of snacks And judging by your snack [ Nathan screaming .]
Ams dat Nathans screamins? Alright check this out lt's scream activated lighting Whaaaaaa!!!!! see? You come home it's dark Where are my keys? Whaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Over there Put it in every single room of the house l'm afraid that's going to cost an awful lot of money l'm just telling you Fuck money! ALL: Fuck money! Dis is my platinums practice chambers I has a solid ruby metronome And a champagne humidifier so fuckin' expensive dat it makes me horny This is my endangered species furniture room seriously guys Fuck money My Lords may I please speak with you about a personal financial matter? What? Go! Talk! Masters our paychecks are not being honored at the bank Ohhhhhhh Uhhh, lets see That's weird Yes sire lt bounced Guys if their money's fuck'd then our could be too! We gotta find out what's going on with our money! You'll be sorry for that, you son ofa bitch I'll never fuckin' forget you did this since my poor father has been ill it's been my personal task to clean this company up Which brings me to Dethklok Dethklok is finally in a vulnerable position And they're getting no more of the label money until they renegotiate the terms that we think are fair And if they don't They'll be sorry NATHAN: Guys, uh I just checked all of our accounts and uh, no money is coming in What the fuck is going on here? sKWlsGAAR: Uh, Williams? Did you pay the electrics bill? MURDERFACE: uh, what am l gonna pay it with? My farts? [ creaking .]
ALL: [ screaming .]
REPORTER: This is the footage that caught the world's attention Dethklok literally plummeting both financially and actually Hopefully this hiccup won't affect Dethklok's "most expensive concert ever" Gentlemen, for the first time Dethklok could be in grave financial peril Vader Orlag? Dethklok lost a truly important part of their empire This man With him gone Dethklok hasn't the capabilities to make educated business decisions and in the meantime they're squandering billions Here to explain more about Dethklok's financial problems is Dethklok financial expert Wilmore Unduntingiminen Dethklok is acting as their own management and the limits of their financial ruin are endless And then there's this man Damien Cornickleson, heir apparent to Crystal Mountain Records currently run by his well respected and terminally ill father Roy Cornickleson But what label owner in their right mind would devour their most profitable entity? Damien is a record executive a cunning hotheaded opportunist Don't you see, they thrive on misleading, tricking and ensnaring They're like feral animals, rabid dogs thinking only of what will benefit them in the moment And since Dethklok is already making bad decisions Exactly Why not make one more that could end up being their undoing? He is indeed a dangerous man Our record's selling really well, at least that's what it says on the news so why should we renegotiate? Yeah! Why ams we recongotinates? We know your that your most expensive concert ever is coming up and if we don't hear the answer that we want, we have the right to shut down the event lt's all in the contract we're faxing you But wes already spents our monies on de concert!!! Dats the only ways we gets it back! That's right l'll pull the plug on your show and you'll never make your money back You'll be doomed Renegotiate Dude this thing is fuck'd lt's totally cluttered with addendums and appendixes and stuff like that But what does it mean? I think it means that this slick asshole is trying to fuck us We should get some help with this You know how bad that would look? We're supposed to be our own management and legal consult lt's like admitting failure Wait, I totally know where to go Come on Listen, I know you guys are regular dildos and stuff but you sell records, so this shit should make sense to your fuckin' ass right? Yeah it should she's not answering Let me try to talk to her so does this make any sense to you? Uhhhhh My managers not in now No but You You Do you know what these words mean? Uhh, "exclusivity"? Yeah, yeah, yeah Here we go, here we go Uhh, cross recoupment? Here we go I told ya My manager isn't here today Okay gimme that back! This is a waste of time Ladies and gentlemen The store is closing in 5 minutes lt's closing forever because it's a record store And, they're all closing I wanna thank all the employees for sticking around and sticking it through the tough times so enjoy illegally downloading all your mp3's online Hey guys I just thoughts about somethings What evers happens to The Klokateers whos nevers gots their paychecks? Ooh yeah? Why are we all so dreary? We shouldn't have to worry about this crap We never have before! We should just concentrate on what we're good at Death metal and interior design! surprise! Take it in! I know, I know its supposed to be a group effort but look, check it out! I went above and beyond I gotta go take a shit [ Nathan groaning .]
[ groans .]
Whoaaa! [ Nathan shudders .]
Let's see how much this thing cost Guys l've been crunching numbers and financially, I don't know how to say this, but we're fuck'd Thanks to Murderface's sandscape we're in the red Good one, Murderface The only way we're gonna make money back is if this concert is successful And until then, we're really gonna have to cut down on spending Oh guys, we can't eats here, dis ams too expensive Now where are we gonna eat for restaurant night? This is the only restaurant I think we can afford now I didn't realize that 71 1 was a restaurant Listen The construction has stopped Dats because they don'ts gets paid, stupid Ow! Guys, start turning the couches over We gotta find some loose change for some fuckin' hamburgers We're live tonight in Monaco eagerly awaiting night sold out record setting biggest most elaborate most expensive concert ever Quite a feat in this economic climate This is also the first show Dethklok has ever done without the aid of their manager/lawyer CFO Charles Offdensen Look guys, tonight's the only night that we can really make back the money that we spent while we were acting like assholes as managers And I know the label has been threatening to shut this thing down so they can force us to renegotiate I think we just got to play this concert and call their bluff so uh, let's just play and hope for the best Go get em, guys Yeek shitty speech, l'm sorry Go, uh Nathan? Just stop talking Just stop talking all money and fuckin' destroy it lt will rain worthless blood money onto your putrid souls Tonight we will watch money commit suicide [ angry screams .]
What's going on out there? The label shut us down What are we gonna to do? You boys got a show to do Don't worry, l'll be right here when you're done l'm going to have a little meeting with these guys You're right, Nathan I was dead I made sure that I was pronounced dead on the premises Where were you for the last nine months? I can't tell you now But when the time is right, I will There's something much bigger than us going on out there But that's a story for later In the meantime