Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e01 Episode Script
Njorl's Saga
I, ERIC, UM AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
MICHAEL NORMAN RANDALL YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF THE MURDER OF ARTHUR REGINALD WEBSTER CHARLES PATRICK TRUMPINGTON MARCEL AGNES BERNSTEIN, LEWIS ANONA RUDD JOHN MALCOLM KERR NIGEL SINCLAIR ROBINSON, NORMAN ARTHUR POTTER FELICITY JAYNE STONE JEAN-PAUL REYNARD, RACHEL SHIRLEY DONALDSON STEPHEN JAY GREENBLAT KARL-HEINZ MULLER BELINDA ANNE VENTHAM JUAN-CARLOS FERNANDEZ THOR OLAF STENSGAARD LORD KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA LADY KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA THE RIGHT HONOURABLE NIGEL WARMSLEY KIMBERLEY ROBERT HENRY NOONAN AND FELIX JAMES BENNET ON OR ABOUT THE MORNING OF THE 19th OF DECEMBER, 1972.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE? YES, SIR.
I'M VERY SORRY.
"VERY SORRY"?! YES, SIR.
IT WAS A VERY, VERY BAD THING TO HAVE DONE AND I'M REALLY VERY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
I CAN ONLY SAY IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
TO HAVE MURDERED SO MANY PEOPLE IN SUCH A SHORT SPACE OF TIME IS REALLY AWFUL AND I REALLY AM VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I DID I AND ALSO THAT I'VE TAKEN UP SO MUCH OF THE COURT'S VALUABLE TIME LISTENING TO THE SORDID DETAILS OF THESE SENSELESS KILLINGS OF MINE.
I'D PARTICULARLY LIKE TO SAY A VERY PERSONAL AND SINCERE SORRY TO YOU, M'LORD FOR MY APPALLING BEHAVIOR THROUGHOUT THIS TRIAL.
I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY SORRY, TOO, FOR THE POLICE FOR PUTTING THEM TO SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THE LITERALLY HOURS OF WORK THEY'VE HAD TO PUT IN COLLECTING EVIDENCE AND IDENTIFYING CORPSES AND SO FORTH.
YOU KNOW, I THINK SOMETIMES WE OUGHT TO REALIZE THE DIFFICUL AND OFTEN DANGEROUS WORK INVOLVED IN TRACKING DOWN VIOLENT CRIMINALS LIKE MYSELF AND I'D JUST LIKE THEM TO KNOW THAT THEIR FINE WORK IS A LEAST APPRECIATED BY ME.
OH, NO, NO.
WE WERE ONLY DOING OUR JOB.
NO, NO, REALLY.
THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU TO SAY THA BUT I KNOW WHA YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.
OH, NO, NO.
WE'VE HAD WORSE.
IT WAS PLAIN SAILING, APART FROM THE ARREST.
I KNOW AND I'M GRATEFUL.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE, TOO, TO THE PROSECUTING COUNSEL FOR DRAGGING HIM IN HERE MORNING AFTER MORNING IN SUCH LOVELY WEATHER.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME IN ANYWAY.
AH, GOOD.
BUT WHA A PRESENTATION OF A CASE.
OH.
THANK YOU.
OH, NO.
IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO WATCH YOU IN ACTION.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
OH, YES, YOU DID.
OH, NOT AFTER THA SUMMING UP.
GREAT.
OH.
THANK YOU.
AND NOW I MUST COME TO THE JURY.
WHAT CAN I SAY? I'VE DRAGGED YOU IN HERE DAY AFTER DAY KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR HOMES YOUR JOBS, YOUR LOVED ONES JUST TO HEAR THE PRIVATE DETAILS OF MY PETTY ATROCITIES.
NO, NO.
IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.
BUT YOU COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH NICER CASE.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
MURDER'S MUCH MORE FUN.
YES.
AND SO MANY OF THEM.
EXCELLENT.
WE'VE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME.
I'M SORRY.
I'M VERY MOVED.
SO, M'LORD IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO PASS THE MOST SAVAGE SENTENCE ON ME THAT THE LAW CAN PROVIDE.
WELL, UH, NOT NECESSARILY.
UH, NO, M'LORD.
THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW IS HARDLY SUFFICIENT.
I INSIST I MUST BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF.
WELL, YES AND NO.
I MEAN, SOCIETY AT LARGE OH, NO, M'LORD! NOT WITH MASS MURDER.
OH, BUT IN THIS CASE, DON'T YOU THINK? YES, YES.
OH, COME ON, M'LORD! YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME LIFE.
NO! NO.
NO.
WELL, TEN YEARS AT LEAST.
COME ON.
TEN YEARS? SHAME, SHAME.
WELL, FIVE THEN.
BE FAIR.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GIVING YOU THREE MONTHS.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.
GIVE ME SIX.
PLEASE.
WELL ALL RIGHT.
SIX MONTHS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
BUT SUSPENDED.
OH! THREE CHEERS FOR THE DEFENDANT! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! IT'S NO GOOD, SPIDER.
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASILY.
WE'RE COMING IN AFTER YOU.
THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HMM.
WE'D BEST SEPARATE.
I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU CHECK THE RIGHT VENTRICLE.
ANY SIGN OF HIM, DAVIS? WHY, NO.
NOTHING HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CHECK THE SPLEEN.
WAIT! OH, MY GOD! HE'S DOWN THE BACK OF US! QUICK! WE'VE GO TO CATCH HIM BEFORE HE REACHES THE NECK.
OH, NO.
TOO LATE, DAVIS! HE'S GOT OUT! OH! HE'S EATING! RUN FOR IT! AH! OH, MY GOD! WE'RE HERE IN THE STOMACH! OH THIS LITTLE-KNOWN ICELANDIC SAGA WRITTEN BY AN UNKNOWN HAND IN THE LATE 13th CENTURY HAS REMAINED UNDISCOVERED UNTIL TODAY.
NOW IT COMES TO YOUR SCREENS FOR THE FIRST TIME FRESH FROM THE LEAVES OF ICELAND'S HISTORY.
THE TERRIBLE NJORL'S SAGA IT'S NOT THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, I MEAN TERRIBLY VIOLENT.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR LEAVES HIS HOME TO SEEK HANGAR THE ELDER AT THE HOUSE OF THORVALD NLODVISSON THE SON OF GUDLEIF HALF-BROTHER OF THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGAR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC SON ARVAL GRISTLEBEARD, SON OF HARKEN WHO KILLED BJORTGUAARD IN SOCHNADALE IN NORWA Y OVER GUDREED, DAUGHTER OF THORKEL LONG THE SON OF KETTLE-TROU THE HALF-SON OF HARVIYOUN HALF-TROLL FATHER OF INGBARE THE BRAVE WHO WED ISENBER OF GOTTENBERG THE DAUGHTER OF HANGBARD THE FIERCE WE APOLOGIZE FOR AN ERROR IN THE SAGA.
EVIDENTLY THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGAR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE GETTING THIS VERY EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA STARTED.
IF ANY OF YOU AT HOME HAVE ANY IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO GET THIS EXCITING SAGA STARTED AGAIN HELP THE EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA 18-B MacNORTEN BUILDINGS, OBAN.
HELLO, UM, WELL I WAS THE THIRD VOICE YOU HEARD JUST NOW.
UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TERRIBLE MESS.
IT WASN'T ALL THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, NO, I MEANT TERRIBLE IN THE SENSE OF UNFORTUNATE.
OH.
ANYWAY, UM, OUR PLEA FOR ASSISTANCE HAS BEEN ANSWERED BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY WHO'VE GIVEN US SOME VERY USEFUL INFORMATION ABOUT THE SAGA AND SO WE CARRY ON NOW WITH "N JORL'S SAGA" WITH OUR THANKS GOING ONCE AGAIN TO THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR RODE OFF INTO THE DESOLATE PLAIN.
DAY AND NIGHT HE RODE LOOKING NEITHER TO RIGHT NOR LEF STOPPING NEITHER FOR FOOD NOR REST.
12 DAYS AND NIGHTS HE RODE, THROUGH RAIN AND STORM THROUGH WIND AND SNOW BEYOND THE ENCHANTED WATERFALL THROUGH THE ELFIN GLADES UNTIL HE REACHED HIS GOAL.
HE HAD FOUND THE RICH AND PLEASANT LAND BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS THE LAND WHERE GOLDEN STREAMS SANG THEIR WA Y THROUGH FRESH, GREEN MEADOWS WHERE THERE WERE HALLS AND PALACES AN EXCELLENT SWIMMING POOL AND ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE BONUS INCENTIVE SCHEMES FOR INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMEN IN THE CITY.
ONLY 15 MILES FROM EXCELLEN THAMES-SIDE DOCKING FACILITIES AND WITHIN EASY REACH OF THE PROPOSED M25.
HERE IT WAS THAT ERIC NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR MET THE MAYOR MR.
ARTHUR HUDDINUT, A LOCAL SOLICITOR.
WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN.
YES, EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN BUT NONE MORE SO THAN THE BUSINESSMEN AND INVESTORS WHO SHAPE OUR SOCIETY OF THE FUTURE.
HERE AT NORTH MALDEN AND WE APOLOGIZE TO VIEWERS OF NJORL'S SAGA WHO MAY BE CONFUSED BY SO MANY REFERENCES TO NORTH MALDEN.
AND AFTER A FRANK EXCHANGE OF VIEWS, WE HAVE AGREED TO CARRY ON SHOWING THIS VERSION SUPPLIED TO US BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY ON THE UNDERTAKING THAT FUTURE SCENES WILL ADHERE MORE CLOSELY TO THE SPIRI OF 12th CENTURY ICELAND.
WITH MOIST EYES, ERIC LEAVES THIS HAPPY LAND TO RETURN TO THE HARSH UNECONOMIC REALITIES OF LIFE IN THE LAND OF LJOSA WATERS.
ON HIS WAY, ERIC RESTED A WHILE IN THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND THE LAND OF DARK FORCES WHERE GILDOR WAS KING.
THESE WERE THE DUKES OF THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND.
PROUD WARRIORS WHO BORE ON THEIR CHESTS THE LETTERS OF THEIR DREAD NAME.
Uh, hello? Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society? Yes, that's right.
It's about this saga.
Oh, yes, the Icelandic saga.
Yes.
Good, isn't it? Well, uh, well, I don't know but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick to the spirit of the original text.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I mean, a lot of these things that are happening I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true.
Well, it's a new interpretation, really.
Well, we didn't want a new int I mean, we wanted the proper thing.
I mean, just look what's happening now.
Banners were a very important part of Icelandic lore, Mr.
Mills.
Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry.
I just can't accept that.
It's gone too far.
I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement.
Oh! Well, you're just trying to cash in on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga.
That's business, Mr.
Mills.
Well, that's as may be but it's not the way the BBC works.
Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way but, uh, you know, if you ever want to come to Malden 8:00 IS A PEAK VIEWING HOUR SO NATURALLY, WE TEND TO STICK TO OUR COMEDY OUTPUT.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THERE'S SPOR BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE KNOW THIS IS POPULAR AND POPULARITY IS WHAT TELEVISION IS ABOUT.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE ACCUSING US OF BEING RATINGS CONSCIOUS.
"RATINGS CONSCIOUS"? TRANSMITTING BLAND GARBAGE, M'LORD.
MMM.
THANK YOU.
NOW I'M REALLY CHEESED OFF! I MEAN, IT'S NO YOUR HIGHBROW, BLEEDING PLAYS THAT PULL IN THE VIEWERS, YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, JOE PUBLIC DOESN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH THREE HOURS OF DOCUMENTARIES EVERY EVENING.
THANK YOU.
HE WANTS TO SIT DOWN AND HE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED! HE DOESN'T WANT A LOAD OF NO, REALLY! I'M ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH IT! I REALLY AM! CASE DISMISSED.
"CASE DISMISSED," M'LORD? ALL RIGHT FIVE YEARS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
CALL THE NEX CASE, PLEASE.
CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND'S SON YOU ARE ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR GET ON WITH IT.
WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND? HE OBVIOUSLY CAN' RAISE HIS RIGHT HAND YOU SILLY USHER PERSON.
CAN YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT LEG, MR.
NJORL? CAN YOU RAISE ANY PAR OF YOUR BODY, MR.
NJORL? I SEE.
WELL, WE'LL SKIP THAT.
WELL, JUS TAKE THE BOOK IN YOUR RIGH HAND, MR.
NJORL WITHOUT RAISING ANY PART OF YOUR BODY.
OH.
WHAT IS IT NOW YOU PERSISTENTLY SILLY USHER? HE CAN'T HOLD THE BIBLE, M'LORD.
OH, SCREW THE BIBLE! LET'S GET ON WITH THIS BLEEDING TRIAL! I'VE GOT A GAY LIB MEETING AT 6:00.
SUPERINTENDENT LUFTHANSA, WILL YOU PLEASE READ THE CHARGE? IS A CHARGE STRICTLY NECESSARY, M'LORD? THE PRESS IS HERE.
OH! OH, SORRY.
UM RIGHT! HERE WE GO.
ONE, THAT YOU DID, ON OR ABOUT 1126 CONSPIRE TO PUBLICIZE A LONDON BOROUGH IN THE COURSE OF A BBC SAGA; TWO, THAT YOU WERE WILLFULLY AND PERSISTENTLY A FOREIGNER; THREE, THAT YOU CONSPIRED TO DO THINGS NOT NORMALLY CONSIDERED ILLEGAL; FOUR, THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF AN OFFENSIVE WEAPON VIZ, THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION.
THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION? IT'S THE BEST WE COULD FIND, M'LORD.
ALL TOGETHER NOW! ASSAULTING A POLICE OFFICER! THANK YOU! CALL POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM.
INTO THE WITNESS BOX CONSTABLE! THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER ON.
NOW YOU ARE POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM? NO! I DENY THA TO THE LAST BREATH IN MY BODY! OH! SORRY.
YES.
POLICE CONSTABLE, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT? NO! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE! OH! YES! YES! HE'S THE ONE! HE DONE IT! I'D RECOGNIZE HIM ANYWHERE.
SORRY, SUPER.
CONSTABLE, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COUR IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, YES! I WAS PROCEEDING IN A NORTHERLY DIRECTION UP ALITALIA STREET WHEN I SAW THE DECEASED STANDING AT AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW BARING HER BOSOM AT THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
SHE THEN TOOK OFF HER WAIT A TICK! WRONG STORY.
OH, YES! THERE WERE THREE NUNS IN A RAILWAY COMPARTMEN AND THE TICKET IN NO? ANYWAY, I CLEARLY SAW THE DECEASED THE DEFENDANT! DEFENDANT! SORRY.
SORRY, SUPER.
I CLEARLY SAW THE DEFENDAN DOING WHATEVER HE'S ACCUSED OF UH, RED-HANDED.
WHEN KICKED, UH, CAUTIONED, HE SAID "IT'S A FAIR COP, I DONE IT ALL.
RIGHT.
NO DOUB ABOUT THAT.
" THEN, BOUND AS HE WAS TO THE CHAIR HE ASSAULTED MYSELF AND THREE OTHER CONSTABLES WHILE BOUNCING AROUND THE CELL.
THE END.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND FOR MY NEX PIECE OF EVIDENCE I-I THINK YOU'D BETTER LEAVE IT THERE, CONSTABLE.
EXCELLENT EVIDENCE, CONSTABLE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, MR.
NJORL, WILL YOU TELL THE COURT, PLEASE WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF 1126? MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY IF YOU WERE NORTH OF A LINE FROM THE HUMBER TO THE MERSEY.
IS HE IN THERE, DO YOU THINK? HELLO, HELLO, DEFENDANT? ARE YOU THERE? COO-EE! I THINK WE BETTER GO AND HAVE A LOOK, MAURICE.
DON'T CALL ME MAURICE IN COURT! ARE YOU IN THERE? MR.
NJORL? THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME.
WE'LL GO DOWN THERE AND THROUGH THE LEFT LUNG.
IT WAS AROUND THE LEFT LUNG THAT ONCE AGAIN, I'VE PROVED TOO CLEVER FOR AND NOW, THE STOCK MARKET REPOR BY EXCHANGE TELEGRAPH.
TRADING WAS CRISP AT THE START OF THE DAY WITH SOME BRISK BUSINESS ON THE FLOOR.
RUBBER HARDENED, AND STRING REMAINED CONFIDENT.
LITTLE BITS OF TIN CONSOLIDATED ALTHOUGH BISCUITS SANK AFTER AN EARLY GAIN AND STOOLS REMAINED ANONYMOUS.
ARMPITS RALLIED WELL AFTER A POOR START.
NIPPLES ROSE DRAMATICALLY DURING THE MORNING BUT HAD DECLINED BY MID-AFTERNOON WHILE TEETH CLENCHED, AND BUTTOCKS REMAINED FIRM.
SMALL, DARK, FURRY THINGS INCREASED SEVERELY ON THE FLOOR WHILST RUDE JELLIES WOBBLED UP AND DOWN AND BOUNCED AGAINST RISING THIGHS WHICH HAD SPREAD TO ALL PARTS OF THE COUNTRY BY MID-AFTERNOON.
AFTER LUNCH, NAUGHTY THINGS DIPPED SHARPLY FORCING GIBLETS UPWARDS WITH THE NICKY NACKY NOO.
TING TANG TONG RANKLED DITHELY, LITTLE TIPPLES POOPED AND POPPY THINGS WENT PONG! GIBBLE GABBLE GOBBLE WENT THE RICKETY RACKETY ROO, AS THE EH, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO BE NORMAL.
HMM? HMM.
HELLO, MRS.
PREMISE.
HELLO, MRS.
CONCLUSION.
BUSY DAY? BUSY? I JUST SPEN FOUR HOURS BURYING THE CAT.
FOUR HOURS TO BURY A CAT? YES.
HE WOULDN' KEEP STILL.
WRIGGLING ABOUT, HOWLING ITS HEAD OFF.
OH, IT WASN' DEAD THEN? WELL, NO, NO.
BUT IT'S NOT AT ALL A WELL CAT.
SO AS WE WERE GOING AWAY FOR A FORTNIGHT'S HOLIDAY I THOUGHT I BETTER BURY I JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
QUITE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO COME BACK FROM SORRENTO TO A DEAD CAT.
IT WOULD BE SO ANTICLIMACTIC.
YES, KILL IT NOW.
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
YES.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE OUR BUDGIE PUT DOWN.
REALLY? IS HE VERY OLD? NO.
WE JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE I TO THE VET TOMORROW.
TELL ME, HOW DO THEY PUT BUDGIES DOWN THEN? WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THA BUT I'VE JUST BEEN READING A GREAT BIG BOOK ABOUT HOW TO PU YOUR BUDGIE DOWN AND APPARENTLY, YOU CAN EITHER HIT THEM WITH A BOOK OR YOU CAN SHOO THEM JUST THERE JUST ABOVE THE BEAK.
JUST THERE? YES.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
OF COURSE, MRS.
ESSENCE FLUSHED HERS DOWN THE LOO.
OH, NO, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
NO, THAT'S DANGEROUS.
YES, THEY BREED IN THE SEWERS AND EVENTUALLY YOU GE EVIL-SMELLING FLOCKS OF HUGE, SOILED BUDGIES FLYING OUT OF PEOPLE'S LAVATORIES INFRINGING THEIR PERSONAL FREEDOM.
GOOD MORNING, MRS.
CUT-OUT.
MORNING, MRS.
CUT-OUT.
IT'S A FUNNY THING, FREEDOM.
I MEAN HOW CAN ANY OF US BE REALLY FREE WHEN WE STILL HAVE PERSONAL POSSESSIONS? YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T.
I MEAN, HOW CAN I GO OFF AND JOIN FRELIMO WHEN I'VE GOT NINE MORE INSTALLMENTS TO PAY ON THE FRIDGE? NO, YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T.
WELL, THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE WHOLE CRUX OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S ROADS TO FREEDOM.
NO, IT BLOODY ISN'T.
THE NUB OF THAT IS HIS CHARACTERS STAND FOR ALL OF US IN THEIR DESIRE TO AVOID ACTION.
MIND YOU, THE MAN AT THE OFF-LICENSE SAYS IT'S AN EVERYDAY STORY OF FRENCH COUNTRY FOLK.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW? NOTHING.
60 NEW PENCE FOR A BOTTLE OF MALTESE CLARET.
I PERSONALLY THINK THAT OH, BEG YOUR PARDON I PERSONALLY THINK THA JEAN-PAUL'S MASTERWORK IS AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
'TISN'T! 'TIS! NO, IT ISN'T! ALL RIGHT.
WE CAN SOON SETTLE THIS.
WE'LL ASK HIM.
DO YOU KNOW HIM? YES.
WE MET ON HOLIDAY LAST YEAR.
IN IBIZA? YES.
HE WAS STAYING THERE WITH HIS WIFE AND MR.
AND MRS.
GENET.
OH, I DID GET ON WELL WITH MADAM S.
WE WERE LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS JEAN-PAUL LIKE? WELL, YOU KNOW, A BIT MOODY.
YES.
YES.
HE DIDN'T JOIN IN THE FUN MUCH.
JUST SAT THERE THINKING.
STILL, MR.
ROTTER CAUGHT HIM A FEW TIMES WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION.
LE CAPTITALISME ET LA BOURGEOISIE ILS SONT LA MEME CHOSE OH, WE DID LAUGH.
OH, DEAR.
WELL, WE'LL GIVE HIM A TINKLE THEN.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
SHE SAID THEY WERE IN THE BOOK.
WHERE'S THE PARIS TELEPHONE DIRECTORY? IT'S ON THE DRYER.
NO, NO.
THAT'S BUDAPEST.
OH, HERE WE ARE.
SARTRE, SARTRE IT'S 621036.
OH, THANK YOU, MRS.
FARLEY.
HELLO? PARIS 621036, PLEASE.
AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, BUSTER.
HELLO.
HELLO, MRS.
SARTRE.
IT'S BEULAGH PREMISE HERE.
OH, PARDON.
C'EST BEULAGH PREMISE ICI.
OUI, OUI, DANS IBIZA.
OUI.
WE MET NOUS NOUS RECONTRONS AU HOTEL MIRAMAR.
OUI, A LA BARBEQUE, C'EST VRAI.
EST-CE QUE JEAN EST CHEZ VOUZ? OH, MERDE.
WHEN WILL HE BE FREE? OH, PARDON.
QUAND SERA T'IL LIBRE? SHE SAYS HE'S SPEN THE LAST 60 YEARS TRYING TO WORK THAT ONE OUT.
OH, TREZ AMUSANT, MADAME S.
OUI, ABSOLUMENT.
A BIENTOT.
WELL, HE'S OUT DISTRIBUTING PAMPHLETS TO THE MASSES BUT HE'LL BE IN AT 6:00.
OH, WELL, I'LL RING B.
E.
A.
THEN.
OH, LOOK! PARIS! THAT'S NOT PARIS.
JEAN-PAUL WOULDN' LIVE HERE.
IT'S A RIGH OLD DUMP.
BUT THIS IS WHERE THEY WERE WRONG.
FOR THIS WAS NO OLD DUMP, BUT A TOWN WITH A FUTURE AN URBAN ELDORADO WHERE THE BUSINESSMAN OF TODAY CAN EN JOY THE FACILITIES OF TOMORROW IN THE COMFORT OF YESTERDAY.
PROVIDED BY A GO-GETTING, GO-AHEAD COUNCIL WHO KNOW JUST HOW LOUD MONEY CAN TALK.
INTEREST RATES WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS BUT WE HAD THE SAME TROUBLE WITH ONE OF OUR ICELANDIC SAGAS.
THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLY KEEN BUT THEY DO RATHER TEND TO TAKE OVER.
I THINK I'D STICK TO CARIBBEAN ISLANDS IF I WERE YOU.
FINE.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SAGA.
HERE THIS IS NOT PARIS.
THIS IS ICELAND.
OH WELL.
PARIS MUST BE OVER THERE THEN.
OH.
OOH, HERE WE ARE.
NUMBER 25.
OH, YES.
FLAT ONE YVES MONTAND, FLAT THREE, JACQUES COUSTEAU FLAT FOUR, JEAN GENE AND FRIEND OOH, YES.
FLAT FIVE, MAURICE LAROUX.
WHO'S HE? NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
FLAT SIX, MARCEL MARCEAU WALKING AGAINST THE WIND, LIMITED.
FLAT SEVEN, INDIRA GANDHI.
SHE GETS ABOU A BIT, DOESN'T SHE? YES.
YES.
FLAT EIGHT, JEAN-PAUL AND BETTY-MURIEL SARTRE.
Oui? C'EST NOUS, BETTY-MURIEL.
EXCUSEZ QUE NOUS SOMMES EN RETARD.
Entrez.
OUI, MERCI.
OH, RUBBISH.
BONJOUR.
PARLEZ VOUZ ANGLAIS? OH, YES.
GOOD DAY.
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS MRS.
CONCLUSION FROM NUMBER 46.
OH, NICE TO MEET YOU, DEAR.
HELLO.
HOW'S THE OLD MAN BEEN? OH, DON'T ASK.
HE'S IN ONE OF HIS BLEEDING MOODS.
THE BOURGEOISIE THIS, IT'S THE BOURGEOISIE THAT.
HE'S LIKE A LITTLE CHILD SOMETIMES.
I WAS ONLY TELLING THE RANIERS THE OTHER DAY OF COURSE, HE'S ALWAYS RUDE TO THEM ONLY CLASSY FRIENDS WE GOT I WAS SAYING, "SOLIDARITY WITH THE MASSES" I SAID, "PIE IN THE SKY.
" OOH, YOU'RE NOT A MARXIST, ARE YOU, MRS.
CONCLUSION? NO, I'M A REVISIONIST.
OH, GOOD.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE! I'M AT MY WITS' END REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS EVERYWHERE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS HIM.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GOA YOU COULDN'T GET IN HERE FOR PROPAGANDA.
WELL, VERY WELL.
CAN WE, UH, POP IN AND HAVE A WORD WITH HIM? YES, COME ALONG.
THANK YOU.
BUT BE CAREFUL.
HE'S HAD A FEW.
OH.
MIND YOU, HE'S GOOD AS GOLD IN THE MORNING I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM BUT COME LUNCHTIME, IT'S A BOTTLE OF VIN ORDINAIRE.
SIX GLASSES AND HE'S READY TO AGITATE.
UH, COO-EE! JEAN-PAUL? JEAN-PAUL? AH, IT'S ONLY US.
OH, PARDON, C'ESTMEME NOUS.
OUI.
JEAN-PAUL, YOUR FAMOUS TRILOGY, RUES A LIBERTE IS IT AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT? OUI.
TOLD YOU SO.
OH, COITUS.
TODAY, WE LOOK AT A VANISHING RACE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH A RACE WHO ONE MIGHT SAY ARE LOSING A WINNING BATTLE.
THEY LIVE IN A SUNSHINE PARADISE A CARIBBEAN DREAM WHERE ONLY REALITY IS MISSING FOR THIS IS WHICKER ISLAND AN ISLAND INHABITED ENTIRELY BY EX-INTERNATIONAL INTERVIEWERS IN PURSUI OF THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF WHICKER ISLAND IS HERE IN A NUTSHELL.
THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WHICKERS.
THE LIGHT-WEIGHT SUITS THE OLD SCHOOL TIES THE PRACTICED VOICE OF THE SEASONED CAMPAIGNER CANNOT HIDE THE BASIC TRAGEDY HERE.
THERE JUST AREN' ENOUGH RICH PEOPLE LEF TO INTERVIEW.
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS AND SO YOU FIND THEM SITTING BESIDE ELEGANT SWIMMING POOLS SIPPING MARTINIS AND WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE INTERVIEW.
I TALKED TO THE ISLAND'S ONLY WHITE MAN, FATHER PIERRE.
FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON IN THIS COLONIAL CAMPARI-LAND WHERE THE CLINK OF GLASSES MINGLES WITH THE MURMUR OF A MILLION MOSQUITOES WHERE WATERFALLS OF WHISKY WASH AWAY THE WORRIES OF A WORLD-WEARY WHICKER WHERE GIN AND TONICS JINGLE IN A GYROSCOPIC JUBILEE OF SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "J"? FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON HERE? WELL MAINLY FOR THE INTERVIEWS.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A CRUMBLING EMPIRE IN THE SUN-DRENCHED CARIBBEAN, WHERE THE CLICHES SPARKLE ON THE WATERS LIKE THE MUSIC OF REPEAT FEES AND SO FROM WHICKER ISLAND IT'S FARE WELL, AND BON VOY AGE.
MICHAEL NORMAN RANDALL YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF THE MURDER OF ARTHUR REGINALD WEBSTER CHARLES PATRICK TRUMPINGTON MARCEL AGNES BERNSTEIN, LEWIS ANONA RUDD JOHN MALCOLM KERR NIGEL SINCLAIR ROBINSON, NORMAN ARTHUR POTTER FELICITY JAYNE STONE JEAN-PAUL REYNARD, RACHEL SHIRLEY DONALDSON STEPHEN JAY GREENBLAT KARL-HEINZ MULLER BELINDA ANNE VENTHAM JUAN-CARLOS FERNANDEZ THOR OLAF STENSGAARD LORD KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA LADY KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA THE RIGHT HONOURABLE NIGEL WARMSLEY KIMBERLEY ROBERT HENRY NOONAN AND FELIX JAMES BENNET ON OR ABOUT THE MORNING OF THE 19th OF DECEMBER, 1972.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE? YES, SIR.
I'M VERY SORRY.
"VERY SORRY"?! YES, SIR.
IT WAS A VERY, VERY BAD THING TO HAVE DONE AND I'M REALLY VERY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
I CAN ONLY SAY IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
TO HAVE MURDERED SO MANY PEOPLE IN SUCH A SHORT SPACE OF TIME IS REALLY AWFUL AND I REALLY AM VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I DID I AND ALSO THAT I'VE TAKEN UP SO MUCH OF THE COURT'S VALUABLE TIME LISTENING TO THE SORDID DETAILS OF THESE SENSELESS KILLINGS OF MINE.
I'D PARTICULARLY LIKE TO SAY A VERY PERSONAL AND SINCERE SORRY TO YOU, M'LORD FOR MY APPALLING BEHAVIOR THROUGHOUT THIS TRIAL.
I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY SORRY, TOO, FOR THE POLICE FOR PUTTING THEM TO SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THE LITERALLY HOURS OF WORK THEY'VE HAD TO PUT IN COLLECTING EVIDENCE AND IDENTIFYING CORPSES AND SO FORTH.
YOU KNOW, I THINK SOMETIMES WE OUGHT TO REALIZE THE DIFFICUL AND OFTEN DANGEROUS WORK INVOLVED IN TRACKING DOWN VIOLENT CRIMINALS LIKE MYSELF AND I'D JUST LIKE THEM TO KNOW THAT THEIR FINE WORK IS A LEAST APPRECIATED BY ME.
OH, NO, NO.
WE WERE ONLY DOING OUR JOB.
NO, NO, REALLY.
THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU TO SAY THA BUT I KNOW WHA YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.
OH, NO, NO.
WE'VE HAD WORSE.
IT WAS PLAIN SAILING, APART FROM THE ARREST.
I KNOW AND I'M GRATEFUL.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE, TOO, TO THE PROSECUTING COUNSEL FOR DRAGGING HIM IN HERE MORNING AFTER MORNING IN SUCH LOVELY WEATHER.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME IN ANYWAY.
AH, GOOD.
BUT WHA A PRESENTATION OF A CASE.
OH.
THANK YOU.
OH, NO.
IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO WATCH YOU IN ACTION.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
OH, YES, YOU DID.
OH, NOT AFTER THA SUMMING UP.
GREAT.
OH.
THANK YOU.
AND NOW I MUST COME TO THE JURY.
WHAT CAN I SAY? I'VE DRAGGED YOU IN HERE DAY AFTER DAY KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR HOMES YOUR JOBS, YOUR LOVED ONES JUST TO HEAR THE PRIVATE DETAILS OF MY PETTY ATROCITIES.
NO, NO.
IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.
BUT YOU COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH NICER CASE.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
MURDER'S MUCH MORE FUN.
YES.
AND SO MANY OF THEM.
EXCELLENT.
WE'VE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME.
I'M SORRY.
I'M VERY MOVED.
SO, M'LORD IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO PASS THE MOST SAVAGE SENTENCE ON ME THAT THE LAW CAN PROVIDE.
WELL, UH, NOT NECESSARILY.
UH, NO, M'LORD.
THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW IS HARDLY SUFFICIENT.
I INSIST I MUST BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF.
WELL, YES AND NO.
I MEAN, SOCIETY AT LARGE OH, NO, M'LORD! NOT WITH MASS MURDER.
OH, BUT IN THIS CASE, DON'T YOU THINK? YES, YES.
OH, COME ON, M'LORD! YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME LIFE.
NO! NO.
NO.
WELL, TEN YEARS AT LEAST.
COME ON.
TEN YEARS? SHAME, SHAME.
WELL, FIVE THEN.
BE FAIR.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GIVING YOU THREE MONTHS.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.
GIVE ME SIX.
PLEASE.
WELL ALL RIGHT.
SIX MONTHS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
BUT SUSPENDED.
OH! THREE CHEERS FOR THE DEFENDANT! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! IT'S NO GOOD, SPIDER.
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASILY.
WE'RE COMING IN AFTER YOU.
THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HMM.
WE'D BEST SEPARATE.
I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU CHECK THE RIGHT VENTRICLE.
ANY SIGN OF HIM, DAVIS? WHY, NO.
NOTHING HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CHECK THE SPLEEN.
WAIT! OH, MY GOD! HE'S DOWN THE BACK OF US! QUICK! WE'VE GO TO CATCH HIM BEFORE HE REACHES THE NECK.
OH, NO.
TOO LATE, DAVIS! HE'S GOT OUT! OH! HE'S EATING! RUN FOR IT! AH! OH, MY GOD! WE'RE HERE IN THE STOMACH! OH THIS LITTLE-KNOWN ICELANDIC SAGA WRITTEN BY AN UNKNOWN HAND IN THE LATE 13th CENTURY HAS REMAINED UNDISCOVERED UNTIL TODAY.
NOW IT COMES TO YOUR SCREENS FOR THE FIRST TIME FRESH FROM THE LEAVES OF ICELAND'S HISTORY.
THE TERRIBLE NJORL'S SAGA IT'S NOT THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, I MEAN TERRIBLY VIOLENT.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR LEAVES HIS HOME TO SEEK HANGAR THE ELDER AT THE HOUSE OF THORVALD NLODVISSON THE SON OF GUDLEIF HALF-BROTHER OF THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGAR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC SON ARVAL GRISTLEBEARD, SON OF HARKEN WHO KILLED BJORTGUAARD IN SOCHNADALE IN NORWA Y OVER GUDREED, DAUGHTER OF THORKEL LONG THE SON OF KETTLE-TROU THE HALF-SON OF HARVIYOUN HALF-TROLL FATHER OF INGBARE THE BRAVE WHO WED ISENBER OF GOTTENBERG THE DAUGHTER OF HANGBARD THE FIERCE WE APOLOGIZE FOR AN ERROR IN THE SAGA.
EVIDENTLY THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGAR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE GETTING THIS VERY EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA STARTED.
IF ANY OF YOU AT HOME HAVE ANY IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO GET THIS EXCITING SAGA STARTED AGAIN HELP THE EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA 18-B MacNORTEN BUILDINGS, OBAN.
HELLO, UM, WELL I WAS THE THIRD VOICE YOU HEARD JUST NOW.
UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TERRIBLE MESS.
IT WASN'T ALL THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, NO, I MEANT TERRIBLE IN THE SENSE OF UNFORTUNATE.
OH.
ANYWAY, UM, OUR PLEA FOR ASSISTANCE HAS BEEN ANSWERED BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY WHO'VE GIVEN US SOME VERY USEFUL INFORMATION ABOUT THE SAGA AND SO WE CARRY ON NOW WITH "N JORL'S SAGA" WITH OUR THANKS GOING ONCE AGAIN TO THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR RODE OFF INTO THE DESOLATE PLAIN.
DAY AND NIGHT HE RODE LOOKING NEITHER TO RIGHT NOR LEF STOPPING NEITHER FOR FOOD NOR REST.
12 DAYS AND NIGHTS HE RODE, THROUGH RAIN AND STORM THROUGH WIND AND SNOW BEYOND THE ENCHANTED WATERFALL THROUGH THE ELFIN GLADES UNTIL HE REACHED HIS GOAL.
HE HAD FOUND THE RICH AND PLEASANT LAND BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS THE LAND WHERE GOLDEN STREAMS SANG THEIR WA Y THROUGH FRESH, GREEN MEADOWS WHERE THERE WERE HALLS AND PALACES AN EXCELLENT SWIMMING POOL AND ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE BONUS INCENTIVE SCHEMES FOR INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMEN IN THE CITY.
ONLY 15 MILES FROM EXCELLEN THAMES-SIDE DOCKING FACILITIES AND WITHIN EASY REACH OF THE PROPOSED M25.
HERE IT WAS THAT ERIC NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR MET THE MAYOR MR.
ARTHUR HUDDINUT, A LOCAL SOLICITOR.
WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN.
YES, EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN BUT NONE MORE SO THAN THE BUSINESSMEN AND INVESTORS WHO SHAPE OUR SOCIETY OF THE FUTURE.
HERE AT NORTH MALDEN AND WE APOLOGIZE TO VIEWERS OF NJORL'S SAGA WHO MAY BE CONFUSED BY SO MANY REFERENCES TO NORTH MALDEN.
AND AFTER A FRANK EXCHANGE OF VIEWS, WE HAVE AGREED TO CARRY ON SHOWING THIS VERSION SUPPLIED TO US BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY ON THE UNDERTAKING THAT FUTURE SCENES WILL ADHERE MORE CLOSELY TO THE SPIRI OF 12th CENTURY ICELAND.
WITH MOIST EYES, ERIC LEAVES THIS HAPPY LAND TO RETURN TO THE HARSH UNECONOMIC REALITIES OF LIFE IN THE LAND OF LJOSA WATERS.
ON HIS WAY, ERIC RESTED A WHILE IN THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND THE LAND OF DARK FORCES WHERE GILDOR WAS KING.
THESE WERE THE DUKES OF THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND.
PROUD WARRIORS WHO BORE ON THEIR CHESTS THE LETTERS OF THEIR DREAD NAME.
Uh, hello? Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society? Yes, that's right.
It's about this saga.
Oh, yes, the Icelandic saga.
Yes.
Good, isn't it? Well, uh, well, I don't know but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick to the spirit of the original text.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I mean, a lot of these things that are happening I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true.
Well, it's a new interpretation, really.
Well, we didn't want a new int I mean, we wanted the proper thing.
I mean, just look what's happening now.
Banners were a very important part of Icelandic lore, Mr.
Mills.
Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry.
I just can't accept that.
It's gone too far.
I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement.
Oh! Well, you're just trying to cash in on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga.
That's business, Mr.
Mills.
Well, that's as may be but it's not the way the BBC works.
Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way but, uh, you know, if you ever want to come to Malden 8:00 IS A PEAK VIEWING HOUR SO NATURALLY, WE TEND TO STICK TO OUR COMEDY OUTPUT.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THERE'S SPOR BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE KNOW THIS IS POPULAR AND POPULARITY IS WHAT TELEVISION IS ABOUT.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE ACCUSING US OF BEING RATINGS CONSCIOUS.
"RATINGS CONSCIOUS"? TRANSMITTING BLAND GARBAGE, M'LORD.
MMM.
THANK YOU.
NOW I'M REALLY CHEESED OFF! I MEAN, IT'S NO YOUR HIGHBROW, BLEEDING PLAYS THAT PULL IN THE VIEWERS, YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, JOE PUBLIC DOESN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH THREE HOURS OF DOCUMENTARIES EVERY EVENING.
THANK YOU.
HE WANTS TO SIT DOWN AND HE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED! HE DOESN'T WANT A LOAD OF NO, REALLY! I'M ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH IT! I REALLY AM! CASE DISMISSED.
"CASE DISMISSED," M'LORD? ALL RIGHT FIVE YEARS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
CALL THE NEX CASE, PLEASE.
CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR CALL ERIK NJORL SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND'S SON YOU ARE ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR GET ON WITH IT.
WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND? HE OBVIOUSLY CAN' RAISE HIS RIGHT HAND YOU SILLY USHER PERSON.
CAN YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT LEG, MR.
NJORL? CAN YOU RAISE ANY PAR OF YOUR BODY, MR.
NJORL? I SEE.
WELL, WE'LL SKIP THAT.
WELL, JUS TAKE THE BOOK IN YOUR RIGH HAND, MR.
NJORL WITHOUT RAISING ANY PART OF YOUR BODY.
OH.
WHAT IS IT NOW YOU PERSISTENTLY SILLY USHER? HE CAN'T HOLD THE BIBLE, M'LORD.
OH, SCREW THE BIBLE! LET'S GET ON WITH THIS BLEEDING TRIAL! I'VE GOT A GAY LIB MEETING AT 6:00.
SUPERINTENDENT LUFTHANSA, WILL YOU PLEASE READ THE CHARGE? IS A CHARGE STRICTLY NECESSARY, M'LORD? THE PRESS IS HERE.
OH! OH, SORRY.
UM RIGHT! HERE WE GO.
ONE, THAT YOU DID, ON OR ABOUT 1126 CONSPIRE TO PUBLICIZE A LONDON BOROUGH IN THE COURSE OF A BBC SAGA; TWO, THAT YOU WERE WILLFULLY AND PERSISTENTLY A FOREIGNER; THREE, THAT YOU CONSPIRED TO DO THINGS NOT NORMALLY CONSIDERED ILLEGAL; FOUR, THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF AN OFFENSIVE WEAPON VIZ, THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION.
THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION? IT'S THE BEST WE COULD FIND, M'LORD.
ALL TOGETHER NOW! ASSAULTING A POLICE OFFICER! THANK YOU! CALL POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM.
INTO THE WITNESS BOX CONSTABLE! THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER ON.
NOW YOU ARE POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM? NO! I DENY THA TO THE LAST BREATH IN MY BODY! OH! SORRY.
YES.
POLICE CONSTABLE, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT? NO! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE! OH! YES! YES! HE'S THE ONE! HE DONE IT! I'D RECOGNIZE HIM ANYWHERE.
SORRY, SUPER.
CONSTABLE, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COUR IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, YES! I WAS PROCEEDING IN A NORTHERLY DIRECTION UP ALITALIA STREET WHEN I SAW THE DECEASED STANDING AT AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW BARING HER BOSOM AT THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
SHE THEN TOOK OFF HER WAIT A TICK! WRONG STORY.
OH, YES! THERE WERE THREE NUNS IN A RAILWAY COMPARTMEN AND THE TICKET IN NO? ANYWAY, I CLEARLY SAW THE DECEASED THE DEFENDANT! DEFENDANT! SORRY.
SORRY, SUPER.
I CLEARLY SAW THE DEFENDAN DOING WHATEVER HE'S ACCUSED OF UH, RED-HANDED.
WHEN KICKED, UH, CAUTIONED, HE SAID "IT'S A FAIR COP, I DONE IT ALL.
RIGHT.
NO DOUB ABOUT THAT.
" THEN, BOUND AS HE WAS TO THE CHAIR HE ASSAULTED MYSELF AND THREE OTHER CONSTABLES WHILE BOUNCING AROUND THE CELL.
THE END.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND FOR MY NEX PIECE OF EVIDENCE I-I THINK YOU'D BETTER LEAVE IT THERE, CONSTABLE.
EXCELLENT EVIDENCE, CONSTABLE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, MR.
NJORL, WILL YOU TELL THE COURT, PLEASE WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF 1126? MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY IF YOU WERE NORTH OF A LINE FROM THE HUMBER TO THE MERSEY.
IS HE IN THERE, DO YOU THINK? HELLO, HELLO, DEFENDANT? ARE YOU THERE? COO-EE! I THINK WE BETTER GO AND HAVE A LOOK, MAURICE.
DON'T CALL ME MAURICE IN COURT! ARE YOU IN THERE? MR.
NJORL? THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME.
WE'LL GO DOWN THERE AND THROUGH THE LEFT LUNG.
IT WAS AROUND THE LEFT LUNG THAT ONCE AGAIN, I'VE PROVED TOO CLEVER FOR AND NOW, THE STOCK MARKET REPOR BY EXCHANGE TELEGRAPH.
TRADING WAS CRISP AT THE START OF THE DAY WITH SOME BRISK BUSINESS ON THE FLOOR.
RUBBER HARDENED, AND STRING REMAINED CONFIDENT.
LITTLE BITS OF TIN CONSOLIDATED ALTHOUGH BISCUITS SANK AFTER AN EARLY GAIN AND STOOLS REMAINED ANONYMOUS.
ARMPITS RALLIED WELL AFTER A POOR START.
NIPPLES ROSE DRAMATICALLY DURING THE MORNING BUT HAD DECLINED BY MID-AFTERNOON WHILE TEETH CLENCHED, AND BUTTOCKS REMAINED FIRM.
SMALL, DARK, FURRY THINGS INCREASED SEVERELY ON THE FLOOR WHILST RUDE JELLIES WOBBLED UP AND DOWN AND BOUNCED AGAINST RISING THIGHS WHICH HAD SPREAD TO ALL PARTS OF THE COUNTRY BY MID-AFTERNOON.
AFTER LUNCH, NAUGHTY THINGS DIPPED SHARPLY FORCING GIBLETS UPWARDS WITH THE NICKY NACKY NOO.
TING TANG TONG RANKLED DITHELY, LITTLE TIPPLES POOPED AND POPPY THINGS WENT PONG! GIBBLE GABBLE GOBBLE WENT THE RICKETY RACKETY ROO, AS THE EH, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO BE NORMAL.
HMM? HMM.
HELLO, MRS.
PREMISE.
HELLO, MRS.
CONCLUSION.
BUSY DAY? BUSY? I JUST SPEN FOUR HOURS BURYING THE CAT.
FOUR HOURS TO BURY A CAT? YES.
HE WOULDN' KEEP STILL.
WRIGGLING ABOUT, HOWLING ITS HEAD OFF.
OH, IT WASN' DEAD THEN? WELL, NO, NO.
BUT IT'S NOT AT ALL A WELL CAT.
SO AS WE WERE GOING AWAY FOR A FORTNIGHT'S HOLIDAY I THOUGHT I BETTER BURY I JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
QUITE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO COME BACK FROM SORRENTO TO A DEAD CAT.
IT WOULD BE SO ANTICLIMACTIC.
YES, KILL IT NOW.
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
YES.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE OUR BUDGIE PUT DOWN.
REALLY? IS HE VERY OLD? NO.
WE JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE I TO THE VET TOMORROW.
TELL ME, HOW DO THEY PUT BUDGIES DOWN THEN? WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THA BUT I'VE JUST BEEN READING A GREAT BIG BOOK ABOUT HOW TO PU YOUR BUDGIE DOWN AND APPARENTLY, YOU CAN EITHER HIT THEM WITH A BOOK OR YOU CAN SHOO THEM JUST THERE JUST ABOVE THE BEAK.
JUST THERE? YES.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
OF COURSE, MRS.
ESSENCE FLUSHED HERS DOWN THE LOO.
OH, NO, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
NO, THAT'S DANGEROUS.
YES, THEY BREED IN THE SEWERS AND EVENTUALLY YOU GE EVIL-SMELLING FLOCKS OF HUGE, SOILED BUDGIES FLYING OUT OF PEOPLE'S LAVATORIES INFRINGING THEIR PERSONAL FREEDOM.
GOOD MORNING, MRS.
CUT-OUT.
MORNING, MRS.
CUT-OUT.
IT'S A FUNNY THING, FREEDOM.
I MEAN HOW CAN ANY OF US BE REALLY FREE WHEN WE STILL HAVE PERSONAL POSSESSIONS? YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T.
I MEAN, HOW CAN I GO OFF AND JOIN FRELIMO WHEN I'VE GOT NINE MORE INSTALLMENTS TO PAY ON THE FRIDGE? NO, YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T.
WELL, THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE WHOLE CRUX OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S ROADS TO FREEDOM.
NO, IT BLOODY ISN'T.
THE NUB OF THAT IS HIS CHARACTERS STAND FOR ALL OF US IN THEIR DESIRE TO AVOID ACTION.
MIND YOU, THE MAN AT THE OFF-LICENSE SAYS IT'S AN EVERYDAY STORY OF FRENCH COUNTRY FOLK.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW? NOTHING.
60 NEW PENCE FOR A BOTTLE OF MALTESE CLARET.
I PERSONALLY THINK THAT OH, BEG YOUR PARDON I PERSONALLY THINK THA JEAN-PAUL'S MASTERWORK IS AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
'TISN'T! 'TIS! NO, IT ISN'T! ALL RIGHT.
WE CAN SOON SETTLE THIS.
WE'LL ASK HIM.
DO YOU KNOW HIM? YES.
WE MET ON HOLIDAY LAST YEAR.
IN IBIZA? YES.
HE WAS STAYING THERE WITH HIS WIFE AND MR.
AND MRS.
GENET.
OH, I DID GET ON WELL WITH MADAM S.
WE WERE LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS JEAN-PAUL LIKE? WELL, YOU KNOW, A BIT MOODY.
YES.
YES.
HE DIDN'T JOIN IN THE FUN MUCH.
JUST SAT THERE THINKING.
STILL, MR.
ROTTER CAUGHT HIM A FEW TIMES WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION.
LE CAPTITALISME ET LA BOURGEOISIE ILS SONT LA MEME CHOSE OH, WE DID LAUGH.
OH, DEAR.
WELL, WE'LL GIVE HIM A TINKLE THEN.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
SHE SAID THEY WERE IN THE BOOK.
WHERE'S THE PARIS TELEPHONE DIRECTORY? IT'S ON THE DRYER.
NO, NO.
THAT'S BUDAPEST.
OH, HERE WE ARE.
SARTRE, SARTRE IT'S 621036.
OH, THANK YOU, MRS.
FARLEY.
HELLO? PARIS 621036, PLEASE.
AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, BUSTER.
HELLO.
HELLO, MRS.
SARTRE.
IT'S BEULAGH PREMISE HERE.
OH, PARDON.
C'EST BEULAGH PREMISE ICI.
OUI, OUI, DANS IBIZA.
OUI.
WE MET NOUS NOUS RECONTRONS AU HOTEL MIRAMAR.
OUI, A LA BARBEQUE, C'EST VRAI.
EST-CE QUE JEAN EST CHEZ VOUZ? OH, MERDE.
WHEN WILL HE BE FREE? OH, PARDON.
QUAND SERA T'IL LIBRE? SHE SAYS HE'S SPEN THE LAST 60 YEARS TRYING TO WORK THAT ONE OUT.
OH, TREZ AMUSANT, MADAME S.
OUI, ABSOLUMENT.
A BIENTOT.
WELL, HE'S OUT DISTRIBUTING PAMPHLETS TO THE MASSES BUT HE'LL BE IN AT 6:00.
OH, WELL, I'LL RING B.
E.
A.
THEN.
OH, LOOK! PARIS! THAT'S NOT PARIS.
JEAN-PAUL WOULDN' LIVE HERE.
IT'S A RIGH OLD DUMP.
BUT THIS IS WHERE THEY WERE WRONG.
FOR THIS WAS NO OLD DUMP, BUT A TOWN WITH A FUTURE AN URBAN ELDORADO WHERE THE BUSINESSMAN OF TODAY CAN EN JOY THE FACILITIES OF TOMORROW IN THE COMFORT OF YESTERDAY.
PROVIDED BY A GO-GETTING, GO-AHEAD COUNCIL WHO KNOW JUST HOW LOUD MONEY CAN TALK.
INTEREST RATES WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS BUT WE HAD THE SAME TROUBLE WITH ONE OF OUR ICELANDIC SAGAS.
THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLY KEEN BUT THEY DO RATHER TEND TO TAKE OVER.
I THINK I'D STICK TO CARIBBEAN ISLANDS IF I WERE YOU.
FINE.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SAGA.
HERE THIS IS NOT PARIS.
THIS IS ICELAND.
OH WELL.
PARIS MUST BE OVER THERE THEN.
OH.
OOH, HERE WE ARE.
NUMBER 25.
OH, YES.
FLAT ONE YVES MONTAND, FLAT THREE, JACQUES COUSTEAU FLAT FOUR, JEAN GENE AND FRIEND OOH, YES.
FLAT FIVE, MAURICE LAROUX.
WHO'S HE? NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
FLAT SIX, MARCEL MARCEAU WALKING AGAINST THE WIND, LIMITED.
FLAT SEVEN, INDIRA GANDHI.
SHE GETS ABOU A BIT, DOESN'T SHE? YES.
YES.
FLAT EIGHT, JEAN-PAUL AND BETTY-MURIEL SARTRE.
Oui? C'EST NOUS, BETTY-MURIEL.
EXCUSEZ QUE NOUS SOMMES EN RETARD.
Entrez.
OUI, MERCI.
OH, RUBBISH.
BONJOUR.
PARLEZ VOUZ ANGLAIS? OH, YES.
GOOD DAY.
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS MRS.
CONCLUSION FROM NUMBER 46.
OH, NICE TO MEET YOU, DEAR.
HELLO.
HOW'S THE OLD MAN BEEN? OH, DON'T ASK.
HE'S IN ONE OF HIS BLEEDING MOODS.
THE BOURGEOISIE THIS, IT'S THE BOURGEOISIE THAT.
HE'S LIKE A LITTLE CHILD SOMETIMES.
I WAS ONLY TELLING THE RANIERS THE OTHER DAY OF COURSE, HE'S ALWAYS RUDE TO THEM ONLY CLASSY FRIENDS WE GOT I WAS SAYING, "SOLIDARITY WITH THE MASSES" I SAID, "PIE IN THE SKY.
" OOH, YOU'RE NOT A MARXIST, ARE YOU, MRS.
CONCLUSION? NO, I'M A REVISIONIST.
OH, GOOD.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE! I'M AT MY WITS' END REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS EVERYWHERE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS HIM.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GOA YOU COULDN'T GET IN HERE FOR PROPAGANDA.
WELL, VERY WELL.
CAN WE, UH, POP IN AND HAVE A WORD WITH HIM? YES, COME ALONG.
THANK YOU.
BUT BE CAREFUL.
HE'S HAD A FEW.
OH.
MIND YOU, HE'S GOOD AS GOLD IN THE MORNING I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM BUT COME LUNCHTIME, IT'S A BOTTLE OF VIN ORDINAIRE.
SIX GLASSES AND HE'S READY TO AGITATE.
UH, COO-EE! JEAN-PAUL? JEAN-PAUL? AH, IT'S ONLY US.
OH, PARDON, C'ESTMEME NOUS.
OUI.
JEAN-PAUL, YOUR FAMOUS TRILOGY, RUES A LIBERTE IS IT AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT? OUI.
TOLD YOU SO.
OH, COITUS.
TODAY, WE LOOK AT A VANISHING RACE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH A RACE WHO ONE MIGHT SAY ARE LOSING A WINNING BATTLE.
THEY LIVE IN A SUNSHINE PARADISE A CARIBBEAN DREAM WHERE ONLY REALITY IS MISSING FOR THIS IS WHICKER ISLAND AN ISLAND INHABITED ENTIRELY BY EX-INTERNATIONAL INTERVIEWERS IN PURSUI OF THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF WHICKER ISLAND IS HERE IN A NUTSHELL.
THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WHICKERS.
THE LIGHT-WEIGHT SUITS THE OLD SCHOOL TIES THE PRACTICED VOICE OF THE SEASONED CAMPAIGNER CANNOT HIDE THE BASIC TRAGEDY HERE.
THERE JUST AREN' ENOUGH RICH PEOPLE LEF TO INTERVIEW.
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS AND SO YOU FIND THEM SITTING BESIDE ELEGANT SWIMMING POOLS SIPPING MARTINIS AND WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE INTERVIEW.
I TALKED TO THE ISLAND'S ONLY WHITE MAN, FATHER PIERRE.
FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON IN THIS COLONIAL CAMPARI-LAND WHERE THE CLINK OF GLASSES MINGLES WITH THE MURMUR OF A MILLION MOSQUITOES WHERE WATERFALLS OF WHISKY WASH AWAY THE WORRIES OF A WORLD-WEARY WHICKER WHERE GIN AND TONICS JINGLE IN A GYROSCOPIC JUBILEE OF SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "J"? FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON HERE? WELL MAINLY FOR THE INTERVIEWS.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A CRUMBLING EMPIRE IN THE SUN-DRENCHED CARIBBEAN, WHERE THE CLICHES SPARKLE ON THE WATERS LIKE THE MUSIC OF REPEAT FEES AND SO FROM WHICKER ISLAND IT'S FARE WELL, AND BON VOY AGE.