Mum (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

Oh, Christ.
- Hello? - Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting.
I was by the pool.
- How was your journey? - Oh, fine.
Bit of trouble on the M25, but I was wondering where you'd got to, as I was sitting by the pool.
Oh, sorry, Jason texted Derek to let him know.
No, it's fine.
I was just worried about you, as I was sitting by the pool.
Oh.
It's got a pool.
Right.
ALL SHOUTING Oh, sorry, love.
Come on.
Hello.
- It's amazing.
- Yeah, this is incredible.
Thanks for inviting us, Pauline.
Well, it's just got the three reception rooms and the one swimming pool and the 4.
5 acres of grounds, but it'll do! This way.
Gravel.
Yeah.
Welcome.
Oh! - Here's the birthday boy.
- Here she is.
Big sis! Welcome to our little home for the week.
Shoes.
Yep.
Wow, look at this place! Shoes.
Yes.
Not a bad life, just been sitting by a roaring fire and reading a newspaper.
Champagne, everyone? Oh, wow.
Uh, yeah.
- Go on, then.
- Yeah.
We've just got the 96 bottles.
Shall we use the plain flutes or the crystal? I hate having to choose.
Well, I won't be having any champagne, so - I'm on antibiotics, aren't I? - Yeah.
Are you, love? Yeah.
I'm on antibiotics, which means I can't drink alcohol.
And also, I'm always tired and I can't lift anything.
And in the mornings, I'm sick.
And for the rest of the day, I have to keep eating and drinking water or I just keep being sick.
- And you're a little bit teary, aren't you? - Yeah.
Just a little bit, but I Let's not talk about it.
They're really strong antibiotics.
- Shall we - Yes.
Well, if you'd like to come this way, we'll begin the tour.
Oh, this hallway is nearly as big as my house.
Yes, but it feels bigger.
Should you be carrying that? This is the dining room.
Oh, yeah, it's lovely.
- Oh.
- Don't.
Oh, wow, babe.
Look at the bottle.
That's not a bottle, babe.
That's a decanter.
Piano, obviously.
Very nice.
You can play the piano, can't you? It's pronounced pi-ah-no.
This is quite a good space if you want to read a broad sheet or check the Ftse 100 index.
Well, that's good to know.
65 inches, 4k, surround sound, Wi-Fi, Sky plus, and if you ask it nicely, it'll make you a latte.
Ha.
And if you're nice to the telly, it'll make you - I've done it.
- Right.
The kitchen.
It's got an island.
Bay window.
Hand spray pull-out rinse.
Wow.
Yes.
- Oh, wow.
- Bloody hell! It's just got the two dishwashers, ice machine, larder through there.
I don't suppose you've ever had a larder, have you, Cathy? No.
No.
Well, I don't know about you guys, - but I'm going to have a dip in the pool.
- Oh, my God.
Derek will help you with your luggage and once I've dried off, I'll accompany you to your rooms.
- Thanks, Pauline.
- Thanks, Pauline! Oh, it's It's really lovely, Pauline.
Thanks so much for inviting us.
It's quite all right.
I love a swimming pool in the spring.
So fresh! Lovely and fresh.
I'll go in later.
Good idea.
PHONE DINGS - Hello? - Michael! I'm in here, mate.
Sorry, just turn this off.
I've been listening to, er Radio 4.
Oh, OK.
It's a radio station, but they don't play music and you can't phone in.
Yeah.
I have it on in the car.
I can see that.
- Thanks for coming.
- Thanks for inviting me.
- It's quite a house.
- Yeah.
So, you'll be residing in Chestnut, Cathy.
It's not one of the premier rooms, but don't worry, it's very you.
Aw! A little bed for a little Cathy.
Thanks, that's really thoughtful.
Will you actually fit in that? Just about.
Aw, that's so cute.
She's such a tiny person.
Only things to point out are, don't touch the Lego.
I won't.
Promise? - Yeah.
- No smoking indoors, and - swan.
- Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Never seen that before.
Thought not.
If you'd like to follow me.
There's a room down here we're keeping for a party on Saturday, so you'll be residing down in the South wing.
- Oh, my God.
- Welcome to your room.
It's got en en-suite.
I'll be next door, so just give me a shout.
Thanks, Pauline! - That's a nice one.
- Show me.
- It's a nice one, isn't it? - Yeah, it is a nice one.
It's unbelievable.
- And that's just setting one.
- Jesus.
Whereas, if you really to fuck something up - Oh, my God.
- It's vicious! - Oh, I bet it makes a lovely dough.
- What's that? - I bet it makes a lovely dough.
- Oh, yeah, mate.
Springy as fuck.
Right.
Here it is.
Just a small diamond.
- You going to do it, then? - Yeah.
WHISPERING: - Cost me 8,900.
Deary me.
Why are you spending 8,900 on a ring? That's how much it cost.
- Look at the en-suite, babe.
- Is there anything we can nick? Power shower.
- Is it big enough? - Erm - That feels all right.
- Little bit tight, maybe, but No, it's all right.
What about when you wash your bum? Erm - Good for you? - Yeah, good for me.
- Good for you? - Yeah.
Teeth? Yeah, teeth should be all right.
Erm You know you don't have to wash your bum like that.
I want to wash my bum like that.
That's quite a chandelier.
Yeah, I was thinking I might nick it and put it in my house.
It would fit right in.
What do you think of my bedroom? Oh, an astronaut.
You do love astronauts.
Yeah, I'm going to be one when I grow up.
But do you know what I love more than astronauts? Lego? Oh, that excites me in a way no furniture should.
And a tiny, single bed.
I did ask for a matchbox, but this was all they had.
I Oh.
Yeah, thanks.
And Oh.
Yep.
Was all a bit of a rush this morning, wasn't it? Yeah.
Did you get home before Jason got there? Yeah, yeah.
No, it was, um It was nice.
I mean, the film was bollocks, but - Yeah, they always are.
- It's nice to go to the cinema.
Yeah.
And then Yeah.
- Afterwards.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, we should probably do it again at some point.
Oh, God, yeah.
Consider that your free trial.
Now I'm on permanent standby.
Anything you want to do, no matter how depraved - Oh, my God - INDISTINC I don't want Jason to Oh, no, of course not.
I'll, um I'd better get to my room.
I'm in Willow, apparently.
Oh.
Very nice.
My favourite tree.
Tastes delicious.
Hi, Michael.
- Isn't it big? - Yeah, just going to go and look for my room.
If you don't hear from me in the next hour or so, send out a search party.
Oh.
Wow.
How funny.
Thanks.
Michael just made a funny joke.
Oh, well done, mate.
Yeah.
It was really witty.
About a search party.
- Oh, sounds great.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Michael.
We're going to be laughing about that all afternoon.
- Not a bad house, is it, Jason, mate? - Yeah, it's amazing.
I feel like Pauline must have spent a fortune hiring it Are you coming, Mum? They're doing champagne and nibbles.
Yeah, in a minute.
I wonder what the nibbles are going to be.
It's got to be, like, nuts or something.
What was Michael's joke? You can smell the cows.
Hundreds of them.
- Can you smell the cows? - Take this.
- And them.
- All I can smell is cows.
Take that, a minute.
And that.
Just take them.
What's this doing in here? I didn't know if they'd have one.
65 inches, 4k, surround sound, Wi-Fi, Sky Plus - and if you ask it nicely - Nan and Grandad are here.
Oh, great.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Well, we should, uh - What does it do? Oh, nothing.
Doesn't matter.
No, go on.
What does it do if you ask it nicely? No, it doesn't matter, mate.
- It's a, it's a forget about it.
- Oh, go on, please.
It, uh it makes you a latte.
That's really funny.
Well, thanks.
Wow.
- Did you actually find that funny? - Yeah! Of course, it's hilarious! OK.
Well, I came up with it yesterday.
The fellow who owns this place was showing us around, saying what the telly can do and I just came out with it.
- Wow! - Yeah.
I didn't even know I was saying it.
- That's really funny, Derek.
- Thanks, Kelly.
Oh, there's a fly now.
Hello, Nan! Grandad! Hi, Reg.
Hi, Maureen.
- I'm thirsty.
- Oh, dear.
She's had too many Pringles.
I've had too many Pringles, Cathy.
Stupid how many Pringles I've had.
Hello, everyone! - This is Kumar, the owner of the house.
- Hello, welcome.
Hello, nice to meet you.
- You've got such a lovely home.
- Thank you.
But Kumar and his family are sadly residing at the back of the house, aren't you? Yes, just during the rental period.
The kids are away at boarding school, so it's just the two of us.
It's not so nice back there, is it? It's cosy.
But you need the money, don't you? From the rental? Yeah.
- Should I show you the? - Did I mention the size of my divorce settlement? - You did, yes.
- Yes.
- I'll show you the barbecue.
- Reg.
Kumar.
- Big, isn't it? - Yeah.
- You got Wi-Fi? - We do, yes.
They've got Wi-Fi! Yeah.
Wi-Fi.
My God.
Was your towel shaped like a swan? - Yeah.
- Yeah? It's genuinely unbelievable.
- IN THE BACKGROUND: - I've just been getting a latte from the telly! - How's everything at the flat? - It's good, yeah.
There's a leak from our bath going into the flat downstairs, but we're pretending it's not, so it should be fine.
Right.
I'm OK, I just keep crying for no reason.
How much of it can we eat? All of it, just help yourselves.
What's wrong with it? There's nothing wrong with it.
- We just got some food for everyone to share.
- Why are you pawning it off on us? - And how big is the pool? - It's 12m.
- 12? - Yeah.
Mm.
And it's what? Was it 5.
5 acres of land? Uh, 4.
5, yeah.
Oh, 4.
5? Ohh.
Oh, OK.
Sorry, I was just leaning on my new car.
- I'll show you where the barbecue is.
- If you could.
I meant to say, I was a bit late, because I had to stop for a pee.
Of course I did.
How was it getting your nan across the gravel? I'm really sorry, I should have helped.
Didn't need your help, mate.
I think I might pop upstairs and finish my unpacking.
- Oh, it's all glamour with you.
- Yeah.
Um England.
Yes.
It's England all right.
You wouldn't get this in France.
I'll tell you what, and this is no exaggeration, I'd rather be dead than be French.
- I hate the Dutch.
- Oh, yeah, the Dutch.
I mean, what do they even do all day? You know the thing about the Dutch? No manners.
Is that right? We did a house move for this Dutch bird.
She offered us a cup of tea and she never even made it.
- You're kidding me? - No.
It's in their DNA.
If I discovered I was even a quarter Dutch I'd be out of here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Pills, cyanide, revolver, I wouldn't take my chances.
I'd completely erase myself.
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Well Hm.
Pauline's on good form, isn't she? I think this is going to be an interesting week.
Oh, God, yeah.
Fascinating, yeah.
No, I'm really interested.
It will be really interesting to, sort of, collate all the facts and figures and then go from there with a view to what the findings are.
CATHY CLEARS HER THROA Yeah.
I'm totally on my period at the moment.
Oh, are you? Yeah.
Apparently there's a whole other area out the back, where the family who own it live while they're renting it out.
Oh, what a place to hire for your birthday.
- I hate to think what they paid for it.
- Yeah.
- My dad would have loved it here.
- Oh, yeah.
He would have been straight out into that swimming pool, wouldn't he? Um no, I don't think so, mate.
No? Well your dad would have found it funny, though.
The chandeliers, the fancy furniture.
No, I don't think so actually.
Why did you come? - It's Derek's birthday.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, he invited me.
I've moved into a more consultancy role at work, haven't I? So bit easier to take time off.
- I think they're trying to get rid of me.
- Why aren't you in Spain? I'm just not.
OK.
- Mind if I sit by the fire? - Yeah, great.
Do what you want, mate.
Thanks.
And the long hours, you'd always feel like you're at work.
And I think I'd really miss gravity.
I'd get so hot in the space suit.
Do you know what I mean? Should we head downstairs, love? Um one of my friends from Sainsbury's, who you don't know, she wasn't at my birthday she's a little bit, sort of, pregnant.
- Oh, uh, OK.
- Yeah.
Like, just, like, six weeks, four days or something, something like that and she was asking me and I said I'd ask you, because you know everything, you're basically the best person I've ever met, have I told you that? - You might have mentioned it, yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, she was wondering whether, when you were as pregnant as she is, six weeks, four days or thereabouts whether it's normal to get, like little pains in your tummy? How little are they? They're just little pains, just, sort of, twinges and a few little aches down here.
And, and do they make her dizzy? Or does she have to sit down when she has them? Or? Um no, I don't think so.
They just sort of twinge a little bit.
I think that sounds pretty normal.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
If they don't hurt too much or don't get any worse.
She's got all these special bits of her body that she's never really used before.
- Now they're starting to wake up.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll tell her that, then, yeah.
Thanks.
How does she feel? Um disgusting, yeah.
She just, sort of, feels constantly sick I think and sort of like she's the tiredest and ugliest person in the universe.
And like she's always been the stupid one.
But now it's getting like I don't know.
But is she happy? Well, if your friend's got any other questions, - you can always ask me for her.
- Yeah.
Thanks, yeah.
I will do.
I'm just going to pop to my room and text her all that info and then I'm going to get back to dealing with my massive period.
Lovely.
How's Kumar? Boasting about the house again.
Huh! It's not that good.
I know! - I know.
- What's it got? Like, four acres? 4.
5.
Please.
He never forgets the point five.
He's got no self-awareness.
Sad really.
We should feel sorry for him.
I don't feel sorry for him.
I want to punch his fucking face.
Is your towel shaped like a swan? Of course, I insist upon it.
I think I'm going to start doing that at home.
Jason been OK? - Yeah, yeah we had a nice chat.
- I was in such a rush this morning, I was worried that he might have noticed or He didn't say anything.
- You don't think he suspects anything? - Michael, mate.
Have you seen the sofas in here? - What's that? - They've got piping.
- You're kidding me? - It's another world.
Look at it, mate.
Piping.
Mum, come and have a look at the garden.
There's a swing.
Oh, lovely, yeah.
And you just turn the gas on.
This actually reminds me of the third time I went to southern Brazil.
Oh, OK.
Have you ever had a churrasco in southern Brazil? no, I haven't, no.
We've, we've been to the north.
- Well, everyone's been to the north.
- Yeah.
Lovely loo roll.
It's three ply! It's three ply! How am I going to get up the stairs? I'll get you up the stairs.
Here's the birthday boy! Oh, bloody hell, champagne! It's a great house, Pauline, wow.
It'll do.
I was just saying to Marco how Dad would have liked it here.
Oh, God.
Yeah, he would have.
He'd have been straight in that pool, wouldn't he? He would have been straight in there with all his clothes on and we would have been stood about laughing.
I'd have been in there after him, wouldn't I? Yeah, yeah, you would have, love.
- Vegetable crusts.
- Coming!