NewsRadio (1995) s03e01 Episode Script
President
[.]
Welcome back, Dave.
Oh, thank you, Beth.
How was your vacation? Oh, it was great.
Oh, thanks.
Let me get that for you.
I brought back some souvenir glassware.
So how was your vacation? What'd you do? I got to see my folks, visit a few museums.
Museums? Really? Where? In Wisconsin.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, sure.
Hi.
Hey.
Mm, did you miss me? Well, it was only a week.
Ah, it felt like an eternity.
Well, a week in Wisconsin will feel that way, right, Dave? [LAUGHS.]
Beth.
So good to see you-- Yeah? Could we have a minute? Oh, my God, I left my muffin in the microwave! Hey, what's up? Ah, Joe.
Hi.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
What's up, Dave? Huh? Nothing.
Welcome back.
Well, thanks.
How was, uh, Wis-can-sin? Uh, Wisconsin was great.
You know, I got to see my folks, uh, visit a few museums.
So, uh, what's the story with you and Lisa? You guys back together again? Look, we don't want this to be the cause of a lot of office gossip, but, yes, we've been talking about Yeah, I hear that.
issues that have been bothering us in the past Hey, Dave.
Back to the old grindstone, huh? Joe! Joe! Joe, come back.
I think there's been an accident.
What? [CACKLES.]
What-- What up? What, did I miss-- Did I miss something? Yeah, I think you missed Dance Fever by about 15 years.
Oh, yeah, this, um Yeah, what is that? Laugh it up.
But between me, you and these four walls, chicks really dig this, David.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's a chick magnet.
Really? Yeah.
How was Wisconsin? Oh, Wisconsin was great.
Got to see my folks.
Got to visit a few mu-- I can't pretend that's not there.
Dave, if you were a chick, you wouldn't be giggling.
If I were a chick, I wouldn't be talking to you.
Now, do me a favor.
Just-- Just turn around very slowly.
Why? What's up? [SCREAMS.]
[.]
[.]
LISA: Uh, Mr.
James is in your office, and you have to talk to him.
Why? Uh, trouble.
Oh, what kind of tr-- Another crazy wife search? Oh, no.
Worse.
Oh, what? He finally found a wife, but you don't like her? No, this has nothing to do with the wife search at all.
Husband search? Hey, Mr.
James.
Hey, Dave, how was Ohio? Uh, Wisconsin, sir.
Same thing.
Well, the heartland appreciates your respect, sir.
Did something important happen involving you while I was away? Oh, we can talk about me later.
Tell me about Ohio.
You didn't put my mother's name back on your wife-candidate list, did you? Dave, please, I'm trying to be polite here.
Ohio, let's hear it.
[SIGHING.]
Okay, well, it-- uh, it was great.
I got to see my folks, got to visit a few museums-- Okay, that's enough.
I have decided to run for president of the United States.
No.
Yes.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Why? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Why not? Have you ever held elected office before? Nope.
A-an appointed office? Mmnope.
Ever done any public service? [LAUGHING.]
Public service? Where'd-- Where'd you grow up? Canada? I'd be-- I'd better get Lisa in here.
Great.
Tell us both about Ohio.
Lisa, can? Would you mind helping me out with this? I-- Okay, but, um, Mr.
James Uh, as a reporter, I am warning you that anything embarrassing, damaging or just plain stupid you might say will be used against you.
Well, what the hell did I ever do to you? I'm sorry, sir.
It's my job.
Okay.
All right.
That's fine.
Just, you know, dig away.
I have nothing to hide.
Oh, come on, sir.
You must have some skeletons in your closet.
Oh, hell, yeah, I got skeletons running around, raiding leftovers from the fridge.
It's like It's like a skeleton convention in there, but you are not gonna find anything out about 'em.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Lisa, I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
And no one, not even you, could ever uncover the mysteries I hide.
It is impossible.
Could you stand up and turn around for a second, sir? Why? Well, I'd just like to see what I'm getting, because as of now, your ass is mine.
Woof! Yeah, that-- That's a real spitfire you got there, Dave.
[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF".]
There's my campaign manager now.
Ow! Well, if you'll excuse me, I got babies to squeeze and butts to kiss.
Beth? Yeah? How did you get dragged into this? I figure if I play my cards right, Mr.
James will make me secretary of transportation.
Well, why transportation? Dave, because! When you're secretary of transportation, you can walk up to anyone and say: "I need your car for government reasons--" That's not true.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, don't make me take your driver's license away, okay? Beth-- Ow! [HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF".]
How 'bout "Jimmy James for a new tomorrow"? How 'bout "Jimmy James: no more lies I like it.
about the government cover-up of alien bodies at Area 52.
" I thought it was Area 51.
Area 51 is just a decoy.
Jimmy? JIMMY: Yeah? I'm still unclear on your platform.
My plat-- Okay, my platform.
My platform is Let me ask you guys a question.
What do you think's wrong with this country? Unemployment.
The federal deficit.
Government cover-up of alien bodies.
Overly-complicated tax system.
Alien bodies the government's trying to cover up.
Okay.
Thanks, Joe.
That was a rhetorical question.
You know what's really, really wrong with this country? Nothin'.
Your confusing thesis has captured my attention.
Tell me more.
Well, you know, every-- Everyone's down on America, you know, but from where I stand, she looks A-okay to me.
Not perfect.
Not perfect, mind you, but when those scrappy, little pilgrims first landed about 300 years ago-- Hang on a sec.
Matthew, come here.
What's the story with your face, son? Oh, yeah.
This, uh, just is something I, uh-- You know, I grew out on vacation to well, you know, make myself sexier.
Yeah.
You know, every man has a right to sex himself up however he sees fit, but you-- You You look like you belong in an amateur porn convention.
Thank you.
No.
No, Matt-- I tell-- M-Matthew, tell you what.
Let me-- Let me show you something.
Are, uh-- Are you ready? I'm ready.
No, no! Are-- Are you ready? Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
No, I don't think you're ready.
Hey, who's that? Oh, God.
Yeah.
That's right.
That is me with a moustache.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh Yeah.
Oh, uh-uh.
Yeah, well, I carry this around with me, you know, wherever I can, and if I get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.
Well, mine's gotta look a little better than that.
Matthew, that's what he would have said.
Poor, misguided freak.
I want you to think about that.
[.]
LISA: I just don't understand what Jimmy is doing.
BILL: Eating a sandwich.
No.
I mean, what could he possibly be thinking? Probably, "Mmm, good sandwich.
" This just doesn't make any sense to me.
No, I agree.
He has to have an ulterior motive.
Exactly.
And I know what it is.
What? Insanity.
The man's going nuts, and we've got front-row seats.
Do you think he needs help? I will personally kill anyone who tries to help him.
This is going to be the biggest story of the year, and I'm gonna be right there on the inside.
Like that guy who was friends with the Kennedys, who got the inside scoop and wrote the book about it.
I think that was actually Every journalist in the country is going to be eating right out of my hand.
Oh.
I just had this vision of Diane Sawyer licking birdseed out of your palm.
That's right, baby.
Eat it up.
Eat it all up.
I mean, does he think he can win? "Can" win? He's going to win.
He's got a billion dollars.
He could hire Steve Forbes as his cleaning lady.
Yes, but a presidential race isn't just about money.
Right, and Christmas isn't just about presents.
We can't just sit and let him make an ass of himself.
Come help me talk to him.
So dig anything up yet? Did you lose a bet, sir? Huh? You know, like with one of your rich friends.
The loser has to run for president, ha-ha.
No.
Let's see, last, uh, Last time I made a bet with a rich friend-- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yeah.
I ended up streaking through the Chicago mercantile exchange at noon.
Ouch.
What do you mean "ouch"? I was the winner on that one.
Sir, can't you just go back to the wife search? I mean, that was a perfectly good eccentricity.
Quick slogan idea.
Yep? "Jimmy James is so rich, he can't be bribed, even by the tobacco companies.
" I like it.
It's a little wordy, but I like it.
Tell you what, how 'bout for a campaign theme song, that song: "My Maserati does 185"? Yeah, "Life's Been Good to Me.
" Joe Walsh, 1978.
I'm on it.
That's my girl.
Sir, is-- Is there any way I can talk you out of this? No.
Well, some reporter digging up a good scandal might, uh, do the trick, but apparently that ain't happenin'.
Hm-hm.
Don't be so sure, sir.
Oh, brave talk.
Brave talk, but come on.
It's been a long time since I opened up the newspaper, read about Lisa Miller of WNYX breaking a news story.
Oh, yeah, well, uh A-ha-ha.
Huh.
Light the fuse and run away, huh, Dave? You baffle me, sir.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Jimmy.
Yeah? Could I borrow Dave for a moment? Mm-hm.
This is a very difficult time, and we need all the support we can get.
Look, Matthew, I've known you a long time, man.
I just can't sit here and watch you do this to yourself.
It's just a moustache.
Matthew, at this point, we'd like you to just listen.
We're going to go around the room, and I'd like each person to tell how Matthew's moustache has affected them.
Dave.
Okay, this is silly.
See, Dave likes my moustache.
No, I don't.
Matthew, I'm black.
I know.
And being a black woman in this country has made things a bit harder for me.
Now, I can't change the way I look, nor would I want to.
But you.
You're young, you're white, you're male.
Now, honey, why do you wanna flush all that down the toilet by making yourself look like Freddie Mercury, circa 1980? Matthew, no one can force you to do anything.
Only you can decide to make the right decision.
Bill, what are you doing? JOE: Dude! Oh, sorry.
Hey! CATHERINE: What's wrong with you?! Can I go back to work, please? Matthew, let's try a visualization exercise.
[SIGHS.]
Oh I'd like you to close your eyes.
Imagine you're-- Lisa! Hold on.
Dig up anything, uh, juicy yet? Maybe.
I didn't think so.
Tell you what, I got a couple of seconds.
I'll give you an exclusive interview.
Three questions.
Go.
Been indicted for insider trading? Nope.
Are you a tax cheat? Huh-uh.
Philanderer? I wish.
All right-- Interview's over.
Sir? Mm-hm? You know that I don't necessarily think you'd make a bad president, right? It's just that I-- I think you'd be wise to start smaller.
Oh, come on, Dave.
What am I gonna do? Run for prime minister of Cambodia, work my way up? No, no, that's not me.
I tell you what, between you and me, I-- I think I can win this thing.
Maybe.
Or maybe you'll just make an ass of yourself in front of the entire nation, lose all your money and your credibility and become known as that crazy old man children taunt by shouting, "How's it going, Mr.
President?" I don't see Bob Dole complaining about it.
I just think you should slow down.
No.
No.
No, David, if-- If nattering nabobs like you had their way, nobody would run naked through the Chicago mercantile exchange.
It's just a moustache.
[.]
So, what do you think, Dave? Very impressive, sir.
JIMMY: Yeah, thanks.
I just wish Beth had blown up a more recent photo of me.
BETH: I'm sorry, Mr.
James.
Matthew was carrying it around.
I saw it and thought you were going for a Teddy Roosevelt look.
No, no, the, uh, Teddy Roosevelt look I like.
It's the, uh, "he might just be a redneck" vibe that disturbs me.
Tell you what, can we, uh-- Can we lower this thing so my shameful tickler isn't quite so prominent? Yeah, uh, you wanna lower the head? Well what took you guys so long? We ran into Ted Koppel, so I took the opportunity to wet his beak a little.
Bill, that wasn't Ted Koppel.
It was just some audio technician with a funny haircut.
Once you get old Ted talkin', well, you just can't shut him up.
Really? What'd he have to say? "I'm not Ted Koppel, and you're standing on my cable.
" That Ted.
A little envious, but who wouldn't be? Imagine me, working for the crazy man who's going to be president.
Way to go, crazy man! DAVE: Dig anything up? Finally.
I have enough dirt on Jimmy to make Chappaquiddick look like a ride at Disneyland.
Let's not go overboard, all right? Let's try to remember that at heart, Mr.
James is a decent person.
Well, they're all decent persons, Dave.
But once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist, to make him my bitch.
Hey, don't talk about my crazy man that way.
Whatever you've got, let's just hold off unless it's necessary.
How'll I know it's necessary? I'll tell you.
What if I don't wait for you to tell me? I'll be forced to set myself on fire as a diversionary tactic.
Hey "Crazy candidate's press conference marred by actions of disgruntled other crazy man.
" I love it! I can't believe all the stations are going live with this.
I know.
Actually, this is the kind of thing that could transform the whole presidential race.
Dude, just shave it off.
[BAND PLAYING JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD".]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm gonna make a short statement.
Then I'll take your questions.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I am running for president.
That was the short statement.
Any questions? ALL: Mr.
James.
Yeah? Uh, Mr.
James, you own a lot of media outlets, such as New York's WNYX.
Does this mean you're expecting special treatment from the press? No.
No, not at all.
In fact, I'm, uh-- I'm holding my reporters to the highest standard.
I am expecting them-- Nay, ordering them.
--to give me more hell than all of you combined, you know? [LAUGHING.]
Okay.
Next question.
Bill McNeal, WNYX.
JIMMY: Yes, Bill.
Uh, Mr.
James, you're a veteran of the armed forces, an accomplished businessman, a tireless supporter of numerous charities.
As a personal friend, I have to wonder, aren't you perhaps overqualified for the position of president of the United States? Not at all.
Next.
Next, uh-- Next question.
ALL: Sir! Sir! Excuse me, uh, a follow-up, if I may.
Yes, Bill.
Uh, do you have a dog? Why, yes, I do.
A big, beautiful Irish setter.
Sounds like a real champ.
JIMMY: Thanks.
Okay, I think it's absolutely necessary.
No.
No, not yet.
Excuse me, Mr.
James.
JIMMY: Yes? Bill McNeal again.
Is it true that you don't wear the medals you won while fighting for our country because you're just too modest? Hello? All right.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Could you tell us more about that wonderful dog? Why-- LISA: Excuse me, sir.
I have a real question.
[WHISPERS.]
Shut up.
You shut up.
Uh, Lisa Miller, WNYX.
Yeah, I know you.
Hi, Lisa! Hi.
Um Okay, uh, Mr.
James, drug abuse has become a very serious problem recently.
Have you ever smoked marijuana? No.
No, I have not.
Oh, really? Because-- But I did eat some marijuana brownies at a, you know-- An office party once.
By mistake.
I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna lie about it.
I'm not perfect.
But then, neither is this country, and maybe, just maybe we both need a little work.
[APPLAUSE.]
JIMMY: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Pfft.
Right.
How do you smoke a brownie? JIMMY: Next question.
LISA: Lisa Miller.
JIMMY: Yeah? It's not in your official bio, but my sources tell me you were a lobbyist in Washington, with close ties to the Nixon White House prior to, and during, the Watergate affair.
Could you tell me-- I was Deep Throat.
Does that answer your question? [CROWD GASPS AND MUMBLES.]
JIMMY: You remember? Deep Throat, the guy that got the crooked president kicked out of office.
That was me.
You were not Deep Throat.
Well, then, I challenge the real Deep Throat to come forward.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
LISA: Well, sir, what if the real Deep Throat is not here? Yes he is.
Boom.
Next question.
Is that all you've got? Yes.
That's it? Yes, I'm sorry.
I thought pothead co-conspirator would be enough.
Excuse me.
It's time for a little more slow-pitch softball.
Excuse me, Mr.
James, uh Yes, Bill? Who are you considering as a running mate? Good question.
Thank you, sir.
I am looking for a woman.
A woman of great courage.
A paradigm of intelligence, fortitude and feminine grace.
JIMMY: And I'll tell you the truth.
I-I have not found that woman yet.
I got it.
Hm? I know his secret.
Well, then-- Well, then, ask him.
I can't.
It's too humiliating.
Don't you wanna take him down? Yes, but not this way.
I can't.
No.
JIMMY: Yeah, Lisa Miller.
WNYX.
Go ahead.
JIMMY: You have a question, Lisa? Uhyeah-- Uh [SIGHS.]
LISA: With all due respect, sir are you running for president just to meet women? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I didn't think anybody'd figure that out, but, uh I guess I underestimated Lisa Miller of WNYX.
I suppose it was less of a bid for the presidency than a cry for attention from a lonely, lonely man.
I apologize, America.
And I hereby withdraw.
But if you're a young woman over 18, who'd like to help console me in my darkest hour, I have set up a toll-free number.
That's 1-800-J-JAMES.
Won't you please pick up the phone? JIMMY: You'll be glad you did.
That's 1-800-J-JAMES.
Thank you, and good night, everybody! [BAND PLAYING JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD".]
Wait a minute.
How many people are watching this? Fifteen million.
That's 7.
5 million women.
[PHONES RINGING.]
He's too smart to be president.
[.]
JIMMY: Would you look at that? "Billionaire bachelor candidate brought down by own reporter.
" It looks like you got everything you wanted, sir.
Yeah, I just was kind of hoping for the front page, not C-18.
Well, you-- You were only in the race for seven minutes.
Yeah, seven minutes.
Seventy thousand dates.
What a country, huh? Hey, way to go, Scoop! Really put NYX on the map, didn't we? Yes we did, sir.
I-- I do feel a little bit manipulated.
Well, that's what Woodward and Bernstein used to say.
Yeah.
You know what? This is sexy.
Okay? S-E-X-E.
You know what I think? I think you're all jealous.
Whatever.
I'm not.
MATTHEW: Oh, no.
You're not.
You're a frightened, little girl.
No, I'm not.
Frightened of the feelings that this stirs up in your most secretive places.
Matthew, it's disgusting.
No woman wants that thing rubbing against her face.
Oh, I think I know a few women who might just disagree.
Name one.
UhJill.
BOTH: Who? She's from Canada, and you don't know her.
MATTHEW: But you know what? I'll tell you what.
UhI'll kiss one of you, and if you really do find it disgusting, I'll shave it off right now.
How about that? No way.
Oh, come on.
Babe, you got what it takes? Oh, I don't have anything that even remotely resembles what it takes.
Well, Beth, it looks like me and you are gonna swap some spit.
How about it? [SNICKERS.]
You know what? Why don't I just spit on you from here.
Oh, for crying out loud, do I have to do everything myself? Actually, that wasn't entirely unpleasant.
[.]
Aren't you Al Roker? No.
I get that all the time.
I'm just a sound technician.
I was talking to Ted Koppel earlier--
Welcome back, Dave.
Oh, thank you, Beth.
How was your vacation? Oh, it was great.
Oh, thanks.
Let me get that for you.
I brought back some souvenir glassware.
So how was your vacation? What'd you do? I got to see my folks, visit a few museums.
Museums? Really? Where? In Wisconsin.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, sure.
Hi.
Hey.
Mm, did you miss me? Well, it was only a week.
Ah, it felt like an eternity.
Well, a week in Wisconsin will feel that way, right, Dave? [LAUGHS.]
Beth.
So good to see you-- Yeah? Could we have a minute? Oh, my God, I left my muffin in the microwave! Hey, what's up? Ah, Joe.
Hi.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
What's up, Dave? Huh? Nothing.
Welcome back.
Well, thanks.
How was, uh, Wis-can-sin? Uh, Wisconsin was great.
You know, I got to see my folks, uh, visit a few museums.
So, uh, what's the story with you and Lisa? You guys back together again? Look, we don't want this to be the cause of a lot of office gossip, but, yes, we've been talking about Yeah, I hear that.
issues that have been bothering us in the past Hey, Dave.
Back to the old grindstone, huh? Joe! Joe! Joe, come back.
I think there's been an accident.
What? [CACKLES.]
What-- What up? What, did I miss-- Did I miss something? Yeah, I think you missed Dance Fever by about 15 years.
Oh, yeah, this, um Yeah, what is that? Laugh it up.
But between me, you and these four walls, chicks really dig this, David.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's a chick magnet.
Really? Yeah.
How was Wisconsin? Oh, Wisconsin was great.
Got to see my folks.
Got to visit a few mu-- I can't pretend that's not there.
Dave, if you were a chick, you wouldn't be giggling.
If I were a chick, I wouldn't be talking to you.
Now, do me a favor.
Just-- Just turn around very slowly.
Why? What's up? [SCREAMS.]
[.]
[.]
LISA: Uh, Mr.
James is in your office, and you have to talk to him.
Why? Uh, trouble.
Oh, what kind of tr-- Another crazy wife search? Oh, no.
Worse.
Oh, what? He finally found a wife, but you don't like her? No, this has nothing to do with the wife search at all.
Husband search? Hey, Mr.
James.
Hey, Dave, how was Ohio? Uh, Wisconsin, sir.
Same thing.
Well, the heartland appreciates your respect, sir.
Did something important happen involving you while I was away? Oh, we can talk about me later.
Tell me about Ohio.
You didn't put my mother's name back on your wife-candidate list, did you? Dave, please, I'm trying to be polite here.
Ohio, let's hear it.
[SIGHING.]
Okay, well, it-- uh, it was great.
I got to see my folks, got to visit a few museums-- Okay, that's enough.
I have decided to run for president of the United States.
No.
Yes.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Why? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Why not? Have you ever held elected office before? Nope.
A-an appointed office? Mmnope.
Ever done any public service? [LAUGHING.]
Public service? Where'd-- Where'd you grow up? Canada? I'd be-- I'd better get Lisa in here.
Great.
Tell us both about Ohio.
Lisa, can? Would you mind helping me out with this? I-- Okay, but, um, Mr.
James Uh, as a reporter, I am warning you that anything embarrassing, damaging or just plain stupid you might say will be used against you.
Well, what the hell did I ever do to you? I'm sorry, sir.
It's my job.
Okay.
All right.
That's fine.
Just, you know, dig away.
I have nothing to hide.
Oh, come on, sir.
You must have some skeletons in your closet.
Oh, hell, yeah, I got skeletons running around, raiding leftovers from the fridge.
It's like It's like a skeleton convention in there, but you are not gonna find anything out about 'em.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Lisa, I am a cipher, a cipher wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
And no one, not even you, could ever uncover the mysteries I hide.
It is impossible.
Could you stand up and turn around for a second, sir? Why? Well, I'd just like to see what I'm getting, because as of now, your ass is mine.
Woof! Yeah, that-- That's a real spitfire you got there, Dave.
[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF".]
There's my campaign manager now.
Ow! Well, if you'll excuse me, I got babies to squeeze and butts to kiss.
Beth? Yeah? How did you get dragged into this? I figure if I play my cards right, Mr.
James will make me secretary of transportation.
Well, why transportation? Dave, because! When you're secretary of transportation, you can walk up to anyone and say: "I need your car for government reasons--" That's not true.
[SIGHS.]
Dave, don't make me take your driver's license away, okay? Beth-- Ow! [HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF".]
How 'bout "Jimmy James for a new tomorrow"? How 'bout "Jimmy James: no more lies I like it.
about the government cover-up of alien bodies at Area 52.
" I thought it was Area 51.
Area 51 is just a decoy.
Jimmy? JIMMY: Yeah? I'm still unclear on your platform.
My plat-- Okay, my platform.
My platform is Let me ask you guys a question.
What do you think's wrong with this country? Unemployment.
The federal deficit.
Government cover-up of alien bodies.
Overly-complicated tax system.
Alien bodies the government's trying to cover up.
Okay.
Thanks, Joe.
That was a rhetorical question.
You know what's really, really wrong with this country? Nothin'.
Your confusing thesis has captured my attention.
Tell me more.
Well, you know, every-- Everyone's down on America, you know, but from where I stand, she looks A-okay to me.
Not perfect.
Not perfect, mind you, but when those scrappy, little pilgrims first landed about 300 years ago-- Hang on a sec.
Matthew, come here.
What's the story with your face, son? Oh, yeah.
This, uh, just is something I, uh-- You know, I grew out on vacation to well, you know, make myself sexier.
Yeah.
You know, every man has a right to sex himself up however he sees fit, but you-- You You look like you belong in an amateur porn convention.
Thank you.
No.
No, Matt-- I tell-- M-Matthew, tell you what.
Let me-- Let me show you something.
Are, uh-- Are you ready? I'm ready.
No, no! Are-- Are you ready? Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
No, I don't think you're ready.
Hey, who's that? Oh, God.
Yeah.
That's right.
That is me with a moustache.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh Yeah.
Oh, uh-uh.
Yeah, well, I carry this around with me, you know, wherever I can, and if I get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.
Well, mine's gotta look a little better than that.
Matthew, that's what he would have said.
Poor, misguided freak.
I want you to think about that.
[.]
LISA: I just don't understand what Jimmy is doing.
BILL: Eating a sandwich.
No.
I mean, what could he possibly be thinking? Probably, "Mmm, good sandwich.
" This just doesn't make any sense to me.
No, I agree.
He has to have an ulterior motive.
Exactly.
And I know what it is.
What? Insanity.
The man's going nuts, and we've got front-row seats.
Do you think he needs help? I will personally kill anyone who tries to help him.
This is going to be the biggest story of the year, and I'm gonna be right there on the inside.
Like that guy who was friends with the Kennedys, who got the inside scoop and wrote the book about it.
I think that was actually Every journalist in the country is going to be eating right out of my hand.
Oh.
I just had this vision of Diane Sawyer licking birdseed out of your palm.
That's right, baby.
Eat it up.
Eat it all up.
I mean, does he think he can win? "Can" win? He's going to win.
He's got a billion dollars.
He could hire Steve Forbes as his cleaning lady.
Yes, but a presidential race isn't just about money.
Right, and Christmas isn't just about presents.
We can't just sit and let him make an ass of himself.
Come help me talk to him.
So dig anything up yet? Did you lose a bet, sir? Huh? You know, like with one of your rich friends.
The loser has to run for president, ha-ha.
No.
Let's see, last, uh, Last time I made a bet with a rich friend-- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yeah.
I ended up streaking through the Chicago mercantile exchange at noon.
Ouch.
What do you mean "ouch"? I was the winner on that one.
Sir, can't you just go back to the wife search? I mean, that was a perfectly good eccentricity.
Quick slogan idea.
Yep? "Jimmy James is so rich, he can't be bribed, even by the tobacco companies.
" I like it.
It's a little wordy, but I like it.
Tell you what, how 'bout for a campaign theme song, that song: "My Maserati does 185"? Yeah, "Life's Been Good to Me.
" Joe Walsh, 1978.
I'm on it.
That's my girl.
Sir, is-- Is there any way I can talk you out of this? No.
Well, some reporter digging up a good scandal might, uh, do the trick, but apparently that ain't happenin'.
Hm-hm.
Don't be so sure, sir.
Oh, brave talk.
Brave talk, but come on.
It's been a long time since I opened up the newspaper, read about Lisa Miller of WNYX breaking a news story.
Oh, yeah, well, uh A-ha-ha.
Huh.
Light the fuse and run away, huh, Dave? You baffle me, sir.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Jimmy.
Yeah? Could I borrow Dave for a moment? Mm-hm.
This is a very difficult time, and we need all the support we can get.
Look, Matthew, I've known you a long time, man.
I just can't sit here and watch you do this to yourself.
It's just a moustache.
Matthew, at this point, we'd like you to just listen.
We're going to go around the room, and I'd like each person to tell how Matthew's moustache has affected them.
Dave.
Okay, this is silly.
See, Dave likes my moustache.
No, I don't.
Matthew, I'm black.
I know.
And being a black woman in this country has made things a bit harder for me.
Now, I can't change the way I look, nor would I want to.
But you.
You're young, you're white, you're male.
Now, honey, why do you wanna flush all that down the toilet by making yourself look like Freddie Mercury, circa 1980? Matthew, no one can force you to do anything.
Only you can decide to make the right decision.
Bill, what are you doing? JOE: Dude! Oh, sorry.
Hey! CATHERINE: What's wrong with you?! Can I go back to work, please? Matthew, let's try a visualization exercise.
[SIGHS.]
Oh I'd like you to close your eyes.
Imagine you're-- Lisa! Hold on.
Dig up anything, uh, juicy yet? Maybe.
I didn't think so.
Tell you what, I got a couple of seconds.
I'll give you an exclusive interview.
Three questions.
Go.
Been indicted for insider trading? Nope.
Are you a tax cheat? Huh-uh.
Philanderer? I wish.
All right-- Interview's over.
Sir? Mm-hm? You know that I don't necessarily think you'd make a bad president, right? It's just that I-- I think you'd be wise to start smaller.
Oh, come on, Dave.
What am I gonna do? Run for prime minister of Cambodia, work my way up? No, no, that's not me.
I tell you what, between you and me, I-- I think I can win this thing.
Maybe.
Or maybe you'll just make an ass of yourself in front of the entire nation, lose all your money and your credibility and become known as that crazy old man children taunt by shouting, "How's it going, Mr.
President?" I don't see Bob Dole complaining about it.
I just think you should slow down.
No.
No.
No, David, if-- If nattering nabobs like you had their way, nobody would run naked through the Chicago mercantile exchange.
It's just a moustache.
[.]
So, what do you think, Dave? Very impressive, sir.
JIMMY: Yeah, thanks.
I just wish Beth had blown up a more recent photo of me.
BETH: I'm sorry, Mr.
James.
Matthew was carrying it around.
I saw it and thought you were going for a Teddy Roosevelt look.
No, no, the, uh, Teddy Roosevelt look I like.
It's the, uh, "he might just be a redneck" vibe that disturbs me.
Tell you what, can we, uh-- Can we lower this thing so my shameful tickler isn't quite so prominent? Yeah, uh, you wanna lower the head? Well what took you guys so long? We ran into Ted Koppel, so I took the opportunity to wet his beak a little.
Bill, that wasn't Ted Koppel.
It was just some audio technician with a funny haircut.
Once you get old Ted talkin', well, you just can't shut him up.
Really? What'd he have to say? "I'm not Ted Koppel, and you're standing on my cable.
" That Ted.
A little envious, but who wouldn't be? Imagine me, working for the crazy man who's going to be president.
Way to go, crazy man! DAVE: Dig anything up? Finally.
I have enough dirt on Jimmy to make Chappaquiddick look like a ride at Disneyland.
Let's not go overboard, all right? Let's try to remember that at heart, Mr.
James is a decent person.
Well, they're all decent persons, Dave.
But once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist, to make him my bitch.
Hey, don't talk about my crazy man that way.
Whatever you've got, let's just hold off unless it's necessary.
How'll I know it's necessary? I'll tell you.
What if I don't wait for you to tell me? I'll be forced to set myself on fire as a diversionary tactic.
Hey "Crazy candidate's press conference marred by actions of disgruntled other crazy man.
" I love it! I can't believe all the stations are going live with this.
I know.
Actually, this is the kind of thing that could transform the whole presidential race.
Dude, just shave it off.
[BAND PLAYING JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD".]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm gonna make a short statement.
Then I'll take your questions.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I am running for president.
That was the short statement.
Any questions? ALL: Mr.
James.
Yeah? Uh, Mr.
James, you own a lot of media outlets, such as New York's WNYX.
Does this mean you're expecting special treatment from the press? No.
No, not at all.
In fact, I'm, uh-- I'm holding my reporters to the highest standard.
I am expecting them-- Nay, ordering them.
--to give me more hell than all of you combined, you know? [LAUGHING.]
Okay.
Next question.
Bill McNeal, WNYX.
JIMMY: Yes, Bill.
Uh, Mr.
James, you're a veteran of the armed forces, an accomplished businessman, a tireless supporter of numerous charities.
As a personal friend, I have to wonder, aren't you perhaps overqualified for the position of president of the United States? Not at all.
Next.
Next, uh-- Next question.
ALL: Sir! Sir! Excuse me, uh, a follow-up, if I may.
Yes, Bill.
Uh, do you have a dog? Why, yes, I do.
A big, beautiful Irish setter.
Sounds like a real champ.
JIMMY: Thanks.
Okay, I think it's absolutely necessary.
No.
No, not yet.
Excuse me, Mr.
James.
JIMMY: Yes? Bill McNeal again.
Is it true that you don't wear the medals you won while fighting for our country because you're just too modest? Hello? All right.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Could you tell us more about that wonderful dog? Why-- LISA: Excuse me, sir.
I have a real question.
[WHISPERS.]
Shut up.
You shut up.
Uh, Lisa Miller, WNYX.
Yeah, I know you.
Hi, Lisa! Hi.
Um Okay, uh, Mr.
James, drug abuse has become a very serious problem recently.
Have you ever smoked marijuana? No.
No, I have not.
Oh, really? Because-- But I did eat some marijuana brownies at a, you know-- An office party once.
By mistake.
I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna lie about it.
I'm not perfect.
But then, neither is this country, and maybe, just maybe we both need a little work.
[APPLAUSE.]
JIMMY: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Pfft.
Right.
How do you smoke a brownie? JIMMY: Next question.
LISA: Lisa Miller.
JIMMY: Yeah? It's not in your official bio, but my sources tell me you were a lobbyist in Washington, with close ties to the Nixon White House prior to, and during, the Watergate affair.
Could you tell me-- I was Deep Throat.
Does that answer your question? [CROWD GASPS AND MUMBLES.]
JIMMY: You remember? Deep Throat, the guy that got the crooked president kicked out of office.
That was me.
You were not Deep Throat.
Well, then, I challenge the real Deep Throat to come forward.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
LISA: Well, sir, what if the real Deep Throat is not here? Yes he is.
Boom.
Next question.
Is that all you've got? Yes.
That's it? Yes, I'm sorry.
I thought pothead co-conspirator would be enough.
Excuse me.
It's time for a little more slow-pitch softball.
Excuse me, Mr.
James, uh Yes, Bill? Who are you considering as a running mate? Good question.
Thank you, sir.
I am looking for a woman.
A woman of great courage.
A paradigm of intelligence, fortitude and feminine grace.
JIMMY: And I'll tell you the truth.
I-I have not found that woman yet.
I got it.
Hm? I know his secret.
Well, then-- Well, then, ask him.
I can't.
It's too humiliating.
Don't you wanna take him down? Yes, but not this way.
I can't.
No.
JIMMY: Yeah, Lisa Miller.
WNYX.
Go ahead.
JIMMY: You have a question, Lisa? Uhyeah-- Uh [SIGHS.]
LISA: With all due respect, sir are you running for president just to meet women? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I didn't think anybody'd figure that out, but, uh I guess I underestimated Lisa Miller of WNYX.
I suppose it was less of a bid for the presidency than a cry for attention from a lonely, lonely man.
I apologize, America.
And I hereby withdraw.
But if you're a young woman over 18, who'd like to help console me in my darkest hour, I have set up a toll-free number.
That's 1-800-J-JAMES.
Won't you please pick up the phone? JIMMY: You'll be glad you did.
That's 1-800-J-JAMES.
Thank you, and good night, everybody! [BAND PLAYING JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD".]
Wait a minute.
How many people are watching this? Fifteen million.
That's 7.
5 million women.
[PHONES RINGING.]
He's too smart to be president.
[.]
JIMMY: Would you look at that? "Billionaire bachelor candidate brought down by own reporter.
" It looks like you got everything you wanted, sir.
Yeah, I just was kind of hoping for the front page, not C-18.
Well, you-- You were only in the race for seven minutes.
Yeah, seven minutes.
Seventy thousand dates.
What a country, huh? Hey, way to go, Scoop! Really put NYX on the map, didn't we? Yes we did, sir.
I-- I do feel a little bit manipulated.
Well, that's what Woodward and Bernstein used to say.
Yeah.
You know what? This is sexy.
Okay? S-E-X-E.
You know what I think? I think you're all jealous.
Whatever.
I'm not.
MATTHEW: Oh, no.
You're not.
You're a frightened, little girl.
No, I'm not.
Frightened of the feelings that this stirs up in your most secretive places.
Matthew, it's disgusting.
No woman wants that thing rubbing against her face.
Oh, I think I know a few women who might just disagree.
Name one.
UhJill.
BOTH: Who? She's from Canada, and you don't know her.
MATTHEW: But you know what? I'll tell you what.
UhI'll kiss one of you, and if you really do find it disgusting, I'll shave it off right now.
How about that? No way.
Oh, come on.
Babe, you got what it takes? Oh, I don't have anything that even remotely resembles what it takes.
Well, Beth, it looks like me and you are gonna swap some spit.
How about it? [SNICKERS.]
You know what? Why don't I just spit on you from here.
Oh, for crying out loud, do I have to do everything myself? Actually, that wasn't entirely unpleasant.
[.]
Aren't you Al Roker? No.
I get that all the time.
I'm just a sound technician.
I was talking to Ted Koppel earlier--