Night Court (2023) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Wow. I-I can't believe Dan
might be your boyfriend's dad.
My head is swimming.
I almost need a reminder
of how we got here.
Okay, fine. But this is the last time.
Previously on "Night Court"
Haven't seen you around here,
which is a good thing,
'cause it means you're not a criminal.
Get ready to see a little bit
more of me tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have this stupid.
"Sensitivity and Respect
in the Workplace" seminar.
I'm running it.
- Consent to ravage you.
- Consent given.
We are nowhere near meeting parents.
Parent. I've never met
my biological father.
This is my mom.
So, is this your first time in New York?
No, I lived here in the '80s.
Before I had Jake,
I actually dated a lawyer
who worked in this courthouse.
What a small world.
I wonder if the guy you dated knew
I think Dan might be
your boyfriend's dad.
Oh, that was helpful.
I like how you did it
in four to six digestible bites.
So you swear you haven't
told anyone about this?
I can keep a secret.
For instance, I haven't told anyone
Wyatt hooked up
with that scary security guard.
And that happened right in this room.
On surfaces that you eat off of.
Oh, get it, table.
It has to be handled
with the utmost care.
I can't just come out and say,
"Jake, Dan's your dad."
Dan is my dad?
I saw him there, but you were on a roll.
Not how I wanted you to find out,
but maybe this is better.
Now together, we can find
the perfect way
to tell Dan you're his surprise son.
Jake's my surprise son?
Starting now, everyone wears tap shoes.
I know this is shocking,
but let's focus on the positive.
Jake, Dan could be the father
figure you've always dreamed of.
Whoa, whoa, now I got to
live up to some kid's dreams?
In my dreams, you showed up
30 years ago in an Acura Legend
- and took me to play Skee-Ball.
- [LAUGHS]
I wouldn't be caught dead in a Legend.
Let's all take a break.
I mean, we don't even know if it's true.
We don't even know if it's true?!
[GRUNTING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Okay, so now we know
that's not the way to tell them.
This was a very poor way
to break this news to us.
If you had delivered
the information better,
we could be a family right now!
I am so upset!
I'm gonna take it out
on these priceless Fabergé eggs!
Wait a minute.
I only have Fabergé eggs in my dreams.
I guess that means this is a dream.
It would explain how I'm pregnant
with our future president.
Mr. Jasper, we all love Baskin-Robbins'
free-sample policy, but it's understood
the samples go in your mouth,
not your pants.
I'll let you off with a warning.
Ohh, so close.
I really thought I had it that time.
But I swear, you will
never beat me again.
Because this was my last case
as prosecutor.
What? No, Murray, you can't leave.
I never thought it was
possible I could win this much.
And I have a very high opinion
of myself.
Sorry, Dan. I was only filling in
until the DA's office found
a permanent replacement
for Olivia.
I still can't believe she left us
for a big law firm
with better pay and benefits.
But is she happy?
According to her Facebook, extremely.
Ah, there's really a replacement,
or just you in a wig again?
Wait, you were Arthur B. Lawyer?
Were you also Olivia? [GASPS]
I changed my clothes in front of her.
Yeah, this new prosecutor
is impressive on paper.
She did some corporate law a while back
but recently has been
a practicing criminal.
Uh, I know we don't get the best people,
but this can't be right.
No, it is.
- Hi, Dan.
- Aah!
Julianne.
You're out of prison.
Does the warden know?
The new prosecutor is the woman
who swore to destroy Dan?
I didn't know she was a lawyer.
They'll let anyone
be a criminal these days.
No, I left that life behind.
Now I want to use my legal
skills to make the city safer.
And to address the elephant in the room,
whom I no longer see thanks to
those fantastic pharmaceuticals,
I did want Dan dead.
But pff come on. Who hasn't?
Hey, I need to talk to your boyfriend.
What? No, you don't.
You have nothing in common
and no reason to see each other.
Yes, we do. I have an HR emergency.
Would you believe that our new HR rep
looks a lot like Flobert in a wig?
Fine. I'll call Jake.
I'll get right to the point.
I called this meeting
to disclose a relationship
with a co-worker.
This woman tried to kill me.
Okay, so on the form,
I'll just put "other."
Oh, never mind. "Kill me" is on here.
I guess I should also disclose
that we are in a relationship.
But that's it.
No other relationships to disclose.
So meeting over?
Uh, no, but I do
need to keep this brief.
I'm visiting my mom at the hospital.
She's fine,
but she just got some work done
on what she calls her "man-catchers."
My therapist said conversations
like that are why I got into HR.
Jake is extra close with his mom
because he doesn't know who his dad is.
No one does.
Fine, yeah. My dad wrestled alligators.
And your dad was a judge
who also did magic.
Now we're all caught up on dads.
Can we get back to the woman
who clearly took this job
to exact some horrible revenge on me?
Oh, Dan, six months ago,
you would have been spot-on.
I mean, yeah, old Julianne
would definitely have
conned her way out of prison
and lied herself into this job
just so she could watch you squirm.
But that Julianne is gone.
I killed her.
Cheeto?
Let's say for the moment that
I believe you, which I don't.
You could be a prosecutor anywhere.
If this is not some sort of
sick game of cat and mouse,
why did you choose the one courthouse
with this juicy little mouse?
Because hardly any judges in this city
signed up for Operation Second Chance.
But one judge signed up 40 times.
You signed off on this
and kept it from me?
I'm not keeping things from you.
Why does that keep coming up?
I don't think it has.
Unless you're keeping things from me.
Not keeping things!
Look, I had no idea
the new prosecutor was Julianne,
but her record's been expunged.
I got a glowing letter
from her parole officer.
Oh, and she was vice president
of the knitting club.
They gave her needles in prison.
How bad could she be?
Great, I've always wanted
to be trapped in a macrame net.
Oh, Dan, macrame
couldn't hold a guy like you
for more than three minutes.
Julianne's our prosecutor.
We just have to make it work.
Like one big happy family.
Not a family. No one's family.
We would have disclosed that earlier
when we were disclosing things.
I think I know what's going on here.
No time for theories.
Jake has to go see his mom's new rack.
- Come on.
- She sent me pictures,
but she said they don't do them justice.
The last time I saw Dan, we kissed.
And I think he's upset
because it meant more to him
than it did to me.
Oh, that's a lie.
I rocked your face.
I am telling you, she is
a wolf in sheep's clothing,
and I'm a juicy little spring lamb.
You just said you were a juicy mouse.
Uh, since that's the third use,
"juicy" is what we in HR
call a problem word.
Just pipe down, young man.
I'm old enough to be your father.
Okay, meeting's over. Good stuff.
Everyone's pappy happy.
Let's skedaddy skedaddle.
Get out!
Okay, I think I finally
figured out a way
to tell Dan
that Jake might be his son
this friendly, anonymous letter.
That explains why this article
doesn't make sense.
- Hey, Judge.
- Nothing.
Oh, you two were talking about
how Dan might be Jake's daddy.
Damn it, Murray, should have
known you couldn't keep a secret
after you told me about Wyatt
and that scary security guard.
That doesn't count.
I told you that in a dream.
Just tell him, Judge.
I was nervous to talk to my neighbor
about his loud music, but I did.
And that's how I met
Robert Durst dressed as a woman.
It's not as simple as you
meeting Robert Durst in disguise.
I mean, we're not even positive
they are father and son.
I could be getting Jake's
hopes up over nothing.
Telling them would be a whole
lot easier if I knew for sure.
Well, let's get some hard proof.
We can trick those guys
into a paternity test easy.
I'm always looking for a reason
to steal DNA.
And I'm always looking for a reason
- to hold a fake blood drive.
- [GASPS]
That's why we're friends.
No one's stealing any DNA.
We can get the answer in a normal way.
Now, what color roses say,
"Hey, Jake's mom, nice boobs.
Any chance Dan saw the befores?"
- Orange.
- Orange.
Midge, if the cafeteria in
the prison was run this well,
there would be no riots.
Oh, she's good.
Winning over the court one by one,
preying on the weak and the stupid.
Pulling the wool over their eyes.
Luckily, the three of us know better.
I like her.
She looks like
if Connecticut was a person.
Luckily, the two of us know better.
Maybe you've misjudged her.
She seems reformed to me.
Where'd you get the scarf?
I don't know.
I don't remember my life
before I got it.
She's literally pulled
the wool over your eyes.
I think it's pashmina.
You can tell that quack doctor
they're big enough
when I say they're big enough.
And I don't think these pills
are even working.
Hi, Susan. Brought you flowers.
A bouquet for your bou-bays.
Sorry, I'm super uncomfortable.
If it isn't my favorite cousin.
You got a lot of nerve showing
your face around here, Barbara.
Oh, no, uh, I'm not Barbara.
I'm I'm Jake's girlfriend, Abby.
Hey, Barbara,
do you remember your little joke
where you would pretend
to call a tow truck
and report two flats?
Well, they're not so flat
anymore, are they?
Maybe I should go.
But I have always felt
like I could tell you anything.
Well, if you're in a sharing
mood, maybe I'll stay.
Come closer.
Oh!
That's for telling me you
can't get pregnant in a pool.
Um, back to us
telling each other everything.
Um, you know, I was just thinking,
we haven't talked about
Jake's dad in a while, huh?
Come closer.
I don't want to.
Oh, Barbara, you know
I don't know who Jake's dad is.
Well, uh, maybe we could figure it out.
Um, didn't you date a lawyer
who worked at night court
right around the time
you were pregnant with Jake?
I dated so many people back then.
There was a lawyer.
And a judge.
A judge?
Was it a night court judge?
And a magician.
A judge and a magician?
Or a judge, comma, and a magician?
Where's the comma, Susan?
Oh!
Mom, if you don't stop
yelling at the doctor,
he's gonna take them back.
Abby, you came to visit my mom.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, yeah, we were just, um,
taking a trip down memory lane.
I never realized
how much you two look alike.
But that makes sense, because you are
related.
Yeah, we are kind of twins, right?
Like kissing a mirror.
Okay, I'm in. Let's get their DNA.
Don't ask why I changed my mind.
And just for fun
here's mine, too.
- Why would we test your
- I said don't ask!
So, getting Jake's DNA will be easy.
We both shed like Chow Chows.
Which is a coincidence,
not a trait inherited
from a common parent.
Well, don't worry about Dan.
His DNA's as good as ours.
- We have a plan.
- And it's foolproof.
Is Flobert in the trash can?
Yes, I am.
So, Dan just got his nightly coffee.
When he goes to throw out his cup,
Flobert will be in there waiting
with a sterile evidence bag
to preserve the integrity of the sample.
Bingo bango.
But in the meantime,
won't he just
be getting covered in garbage?
Oh, Abby, that's what
the "cups only" sign is for.
What "cups only" sign?
The one I'm sticking on right now.
I forgot to make it.
And another great thing
about the scarf is,
I can say anything when I'm wearing it,
and I still look cool.
To wit I think my rash is spreading.
Alright. Julianne, I saved you
a seat over here.
Yeah, she may have all of you fooled,
but under that veneer of civility
is a volcano of rage
just waiting to erupt.
And I'm just about to be that thing
that makes the volcano go
[SPUTTERS]
And, Dan, uh, just so you know,
when you're done drinking that coffee,
you can throw it out in that trash can.
Don't let the lack of sign fool you.
It's definitely for cups.
It is so refreshing to pick a seat
without having to navigate
gang dynamics.
"You have to sit on the floor
'cause you didn't pay proper
respects to Big Spider."
It's just exhausting.
Um, you know what, Julianne?
I wanted to apologize
for how I acted earlier.
I'm very impressed with
how you're handling this.
I mean, I couldn't work with
the man who sent my ass to jail
and stole the best years of my life.
I mean, I'd want to just pick up
a spoon and reach over the table
and jab him in the jugular with it.
Oh, boy. [CHUCKLES]
I am really gonna enjoy this.
Mm. This soup is cold.
That's because today's soup
is salsa.
Let me throw this out for you.
Oh, no, I think that's just for cups.
- Sweet Lord!
- Lord!
Thank you for this table. Amen.
As I was saying,
I'm just so glad
that you're completely changed,
because if you weren't fully reformed,
I mean, I can't imagine
the the bubbling rage
that would come up in you every
time you saw my carefree smile.
I could wear your teeth like a necklace.
That's how beautiful they are.
You know what?
Something weird's going on here.
Finally an ally.
No, there's a sock in my coffee.
Now, you said this is for cups?
Uh, yeah. Empty cups. Empty cups.
What the
Did you guys hear that?
- I didn't hear anything.
- Me neither.
So, Dan, you were saying something
about your bubbling rage?
No, not my rage, your rage.
No, your rage!
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
- What?
- I should take this.
Dan, as your friend,
I really think that
you should deal with your anger
before your anger deals with you.
Big Spider told me that.
Alright, fine. The volcano didn't erupt.
But she's this close.
Uh, that sure is a lot of broken glass
headed for the "cups only" trash can.
Sorry. I'm full.
Let this be a warning
to all of you, alright?
Because the the last words
out of the villagers of Pompeii's mouth,
"Oh, Julianne seems nice."
All I can taste is sock now.
Where the hell did that trash can go?
- I can get that for you.
- Okay.
What are you do
Mm-hmm.
Well, that was easy.
The evidence is overwhelming.
Fingerprints everywhere.
And you dropped your diary
at the crime scene.
Herman, is it possible
that you wanted to be caught?
Those prison bars,
do they take you back
to the bars of your crib,
the last place that you truly felt safe?
Apparently, we're changing
our plea to guilty.
30 days in jail.
Just a tip before you go back
on the inside.
Go and find the biggest guy
in the yard and give him this.
You'll have a friend for life.
Did you hear that?
She uses scarves as currency.
This is a debt I'll have to repay.
If she asks me to kill you,
feel this and tell me
you wouldn't do it.
Wyatt, don't worry
your warm little neck about it.
I finally have everything I need
to expose Julianne
for who she really is.
Alright, Judge, I got the DNA results.
Oh, Murray, I could kiss you
if I weren't now worried anyone
could secretly be my brother.
What? These are just headshots of you.
I thought if you had
the lab results first,
you'd be too distracted
to give me your honest opinion.
So, what do you think, silly or sassy?
Can I please just have the lab results?
And obviously sassy.
The People vs
Your Honor, I would like
to call for a mistrial.
This prosecutor is not
who she appears to be.
I knew it. She's a princess.
Sure, she's got a glowing letter
from her parole officer, Stan Kinds.
What do we know about old Stan?
I'll tell you what I know.
He doesn't exist.
Yes, I-I do.
No, you don't.
I called the number on your letterhead.
It was a laundromat.
Sorry. I have a second job.
The city's expensive.
No, this is not true.
You are a figment of her imagination,
designed to taunt and play with me.
Let me ask you this If not,
why is your name, Stan Kinds,
just a lazy anagram for "Dan stinks"?
Oh, it is? That's fun.
No, listen, I know that there's
this other information and facts
that proves that she's
a monster, like, um
Like telling you a scarf
is made of pashmina
when it's made out of lies.
Look, her start paperwork.
She has that her first day was the 22nd.
Today is the 21st. Ha!
Today is the 22nd.
Aw, I missed a dentist appointment.
Okay, now seems like
a good time for a break.
- Where are the lab results?
- They are right here.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, man.
I got to stop keeping everything
in unmarked envelopes.
Editor of the Yale Law Journal.
Passed the bar in three states. Huh.
This is all true?
You're, um, actually the real deal.
You know, that's on me
for only mentioning it
over and over and over again.
So you're not obsessed with me?
I'm just crazy.
That would explain why I thought
I heard a trash can screaming.
Well, you're not all wrong.
When I was in prison,
I did think about you.
A lot.
That kiss did rock my face.
But, Dan, you're bad for me.
And if I'm going to make this work,
then that is a line I cannot cross.
So instead, I'm just going to
have to go hard at you
every night
until we are dripping with sweat
and begging for mercy.
As lawyers.
Yeah, lawyers are good.
Oh, and and you weren't wrong
about the talking trash can.
That guy "Flo-bare" was inside.
Everybody here thinks
that you're the judge's boyfriend's dad.
You think what?
Would it make you feel better to know
that my boyfriend's not my brother?