Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e01 Episode Script
Frisky Business
1 Carpe diem, let's party! Yes! Voiceover: Last season on "Odd Mom Out.
" You shot the doormen.
I'm gonna do a group show.
I'd love to include you.
I wish you would stay.
Is this a test? No, I just wanted you to know how I feel.
So you met Mr.
Ernie Krevitt, genius investor.
- What's going on? - They're saying he pulled a Madoff.
- [gasps.]
- Brooke just got me in with him.
Sebastian! Of course I went all in.
Ernie was our best performing manager.
He was killing it for us.
Should we be freaking out? No, fortunately we never had enough money to invest with him.
- My mother did.
- Oh.
Candace?! We didn't have much money with him, did we? Babe, we still have each other.
[screams.]
No! [gags.]
I just can't believe she's gone.
I mean, she was so beautiful, I mean, almost too perfect to look at, like the teeth of an Obama.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt But I I I Now she's God only knows where with God only knows who.
I hate myself for losing her! Lex, I'm a grief counselor for those who've lost a loved one Not a yacht.
[sobs.]
Are you all right? It's just you've been standing here the better part of an hour.
Is there someone I should call? Who would you call? I had to fire my Art Advisor.
Now I'm expected to figure out if I like this painting.
All.
By.
Myself! Marisa? Are you okay? Jill.
You have no idea what I've just been through.
Our financial advisor made us choose between the chalet in Aspen and the horse farm in Millbrook.
It was a Sophie's Choice.
Have you ever read Sophie's Choice? Just be thankful that you were not affected by that crook, Krevitts.
Oh, I was affected.
We're out of tonic.
And I'd appreciate if you'd invest in a removable shower head.
Mother!? [theme music.]
Hey yes you know I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine Dottie! Miles! Let's hit the roadski! Must you project like that? You're not centerstage on Broadway.
Rolling Eyes Emoji.
Just trying to get the gang together You're gonna have the place to yourself this weekend.
Ah, thank goodness.
I haven't slept past eleven since I moved in.
I'm practically on a day laborer's schedule.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I thought I told you never to use that word.
I mean, really, do I look like a grandmother? You look like an angel.
A fallen Victoria's Secret angel.
Honey, I know it has not been easy, but it's important that we are supportive in her time of need.
'Til when? The Grim Reaper buzzes from the lobby? Mother, please turn off all the lights when you go out.
And don't leave out any food overnight and I suppose next you're gonna tell me not to have any boys over? Actually, yeah.
We don't want any - Ta-ta! - Okay.
You know that your mother's gonna throw an epic rager.
We're gonna come home to find Long Duck Dong on the exercise bike and Anthony Michael Hall trapped under the coffee table.
Don't be silly, honey.
Life is not a John Hughes movie.
- You're right.
- Otherwise I'd be married to Andrew McCarthy.
This city is one crawdad boil away from being a swamp.
I'm dying.
Oh I know.
It's so hot the Statue of Liberty is like [sniffs and groans.]
At least you're escaping to the woods! I'll be here with the cockroach conga line down Avenue A.
Are you still seeing Krevitt victims in the ER from rich person accidents? Our burn unit is inundated with people using their ovens for the first time.
- Seriously? - And last night, a woman checked in because she missed having her call button.
[cell phone rings.]
- Oh, let me guess, Graham? - Yup.
It's like four FaceTimes a day! It's still so weird to me that he's in Burundi but can FaceTime.
I was picturing him in the bush with some tribeswoman bringing him a telegram.
With, like, those neck rings Jill! No.
It's impoverished there, but it's still 2017.
They don't have like, bones through their nose.
They're wearing, like, Sean John t-shirts.
- Stop it.
- I swear.
- Time to go.
- Okay, give this to Hazel and tell that sweet girl I love her! Okay, and tell Graham I say [clicks tongue.]
[mimics African dialect.]
- That means "hi".
- You're going to hell.
I ought to hug you but I'm schvitzing my balls off.
- Don't touch me.
- Love you.
[birds crowing.]
[scoffs.]
[water splashing.]
- [ding dong.]
- Oh God.
There's no one here to answer it.
Do you think I should open it myself? If I'm not back in five minutes, eat Langley first.
Oh Devon! Thank God! There's someone at the door.
It was me.
Ugh, you have no idea what it's like being alone with these unruly hellcats.
If Ernie Krevitt wasn't already in jail, I would murder him for what he's done to this family.
- I had to cut my staff! - [gasps.]
From seven days a week to five.
We're living like animals.
What doesn't kill us, makes us thinner.
Amen.
Kids, we need the kitchen.
Go teach yourselves coding.
Thank you so much for coming, Devon.
- Mm.
- With Lex's fund in limbo, my company's our only source of income.
Mine too.
So give it to me straight.
What is the state of the union with Von Weber? As you know, we ordered 100,000 Native American inspired totes for last season's Navawhore collection.
Still a great looking bag! Then Krevitt relieved our target demo of all disposable income.
[sighs.]
So how many did we sell? 37,000.
You're telling me there's $14 million dollars' worth of merchandise just sitting there? Like Ghandi.
[exasperated sigh.]
We need people who weren't bank-raped by Krevitt to start paying attention to Von Weber.
- Who are they? - [scoffs.]
Does this paper chain look ghettissimo ? I feel like it's all about flash tattoos and drones these days.
Im just so excited to see her.
How much farther? Pull up the "Are we there yet?" feature on your screen and track our progress, hon.
I wonder if she's gonna look different.
Like, more developed.
When she left she had cherry tomatoes, but by now, they may be full-on heirlooms.
Jill, it's only been three and a half weeks! My parents always said I'd grown two inches by visiting day.
It says 11:45.
Why is Maine so far? Guys, we're going to play a wonderful game called: Silencio! Whoever's quiet the longest gets a prize.
You've been doing the vast majority of the talking.
What is the prize? You don't know until you win.
Might be a snack, or a wad of cash, or a brand new family! Ready? One, two, three: Silencio! B-T-dubs I got the new parent volunteer forms for school and I can't deal.
Between prepping for my Men in Uniform art show and your mom squatting like the cast of "Rent", I could really use some more support this fall.
Um, if that pause were any more pregnant it would have its own show on MTV.
I just think you're better at that stuff.
Better at pretending to care about inconsequential shit during interminable meetings? You're a lawyer.
Didn't you go to school for that? Let's talk about it later? Guys! We're here! [rock music playing.]
What's with all the Lester's bags? They should spell it L-E-S-T-I-Z-Z because everyone who shops there call it "Lestizz.
" How long 'til we get to see Hazel? Oh, are you Hazel's family? Yeah hi.
I'm Andy Weber.
My wife, Jill.
Hi! I am Kara, Remi's mom! - Remi? - Hazel's BFF! I've heard all about your daughter! How she taught the whole cabin the Badunkadunk Shake.
So, what did you bring for Bunk Junk? Oh um, the twins decorated these cookies.
How about you? Oy, what didn't we bring? We've got Zabar's cold bags, we've got Baked by Melissa, Mr.
Chows and Sushi of Gari 'cause they miss the ethnic so much up here.
But isn't it hard to keep that stuff fresh? No, we've got ice packs, and we were wheels up about an hour ago, so.
Wh what does that mean? That's the tail number of our jet! It's like the license plate.
Neat!? This place is like John Galliano and Mel Gibson's worst nightmare.
Moms and Dads, sisters and bros! Who's ready to see their campers? [cheers.]
Yes! I'm so glad we got Hazel up here in nature for a while.
Out of the rat race of the city.
Ready, set, go! - [energetic rock music.]
- [people chattering.]
Mom, are you okay? That was Pamplona.
But with Jews.
Okay, she's okay.
Come on! [rock music continues.]
There she is! There's my little girl! See I told you she'd look more grown up.
[sexy R&B music.]
Yay! La Durée! I love you, Mom.
Hon, be sure to share with the less fortunate.
Are jacks not a thing still? Thanks, Mom, I love everything.
Oh my God! It's just like I'm walking through a forest! I know.
Incredible, right? I like what you've done with your area.
- It's really creative.
- Thanks.
Jill, get over here.
- What's wrong? - Look! Babe, that's sweet! Who is this JR person? Calm down.
Crushes are as much a part of camp as pink eye.
Remi, show the Webers the dance Hazel taught you.
It is the cutest.
- [rap music.]
- Damn your girl got a fat ass I know my girl got a fat ass Damn my girl got a flat ass I know your girl got a flat ass Shorty got that bubble mind I'm smelling toast.
Isn't that a sign of a stroke? Adorable, right? My Remi is a danceaholic.
She's on a competitive team in Boca.
I want to start dance class this fall, too, Mom.
Sure, as long as the barre is horizontal and not vertical.
This isn't funny.
We're losing her.
Relax.
It'll twerk itself out.
Mommy, can you get me the jacks ball? Sure honey.
[gasps.]
You shaved?! I told y'all she the shit So here is the plan.
We gift the major influencer of each group a bag.
Then their friends will buy buy buy, tweeting and Instagram'ing us into the black, black, black.
Hm, it's basic trickle down Brookenomics.
It has to work! Okay for our web of influencers we have identified hip-hop baby mommas for the urban demographic.
Second-tier telenovela stars for the latina market.
- And NFL wives - A Von Weber on the arm of a game-day jersey? It just doesn't feel right.
Think of all your idols who've had to endure mainstream success.
Ralph Lauren, Tory Burch Tommy Hilfiger practically pioneered the hi low strategy.
Exactly.
Oh, I'm DMing you India Gants's latest post.
She's beachside in Montauk with Dot the Rapper wearing the cutest suit.
Track it down for me? I'll buy anything that she's selling.
Devon, we're a genius! Forget the local Brookes.
One big Brooke would sell all these bags in a heartbeat.
Perfect! We know she's already beachside, so I'll just deliver the bag! No gifting.
America's Next Top Model could gag on swag.
We're going to need to be stealth.
If a model owns a bag, but doesn't take a picture with it, did it even exist in the first place? Exactly.
We gonna need ankle boots on the ground to cleverly place a Von Weber bag in her next selfie, ideally without her noticing.
But I am on house arrest with my demon spawn.
I'll do whatever you need.
Swim-suit up.
I'm sending you in.
[exclaims.]
Mom, all the girls shave! I was a yeti.
Yes, but you're a blonde yeti! No one sees it unless the sun hits it.
Which is all the time in summer.
Look, once you start, you can't stop.
Shaving is like a gateway drug.
To what? Shaving other things? I don't know.
Just take your time.
Don't just go with the flow.
Wait, you didn't get your period, did you? No.
Phew! Yeah, eleven's way too young.
But Remi and Mollie have.
What? Jill, it's normal.
What are you talking about? We didn't have boobs and pubes then.
Her bunkmates have legit knockers and crimson tides.
It's environmental.
Because there's hormones in milk and chicken nuggets, the national menarche has plummeted.
What the hell is a menarche? A girl's first period.
I think it's Greek for "beginning.
" I can't accept that girls Hazel's age are on their Raggedy Ann.
And I'm not even the one freaking out.
Andy's ready to FedEx her to a convent.
Hang on.
First time using an iron? Yeah, you can't press the clothes when they're on your body.
I'll treat the burn and give you a prescription for an ironing board.
I gotta go.
Rich people require supervision.
Tell me about it.
I'm convinced Candace is going Coyote Ugly on my kitchen island.
["Old Time Rock and Roll" by Bob Seger plays.]
Do you still remember Can you stilll stay up all night Come a little bit closer Got past security and also got a date Focus! You are only gonna get one shot at India with my bag and her selfie needs to be perfect or else she won't post it! Now put your shirt back on and get that snap.
You don't know I took my shirt off.
I always know.
O-M God.
I see her! Oh my God I'm walking over! You just used your excited voice, Devon.
I swear if you embarrass me It's soup.
10 feet away.
5 feet away.
Make the drop, Devon! T-minus selfie, going in five [muffled sounds and gasping through phone.]
Did you get the shot? Devon? Devon what happened? And how does it reflect on me? Where did that come from? And what do you want to do when you grow up? You'll need to be able to provide for my daughter, so "ceramicist" is off the table.
Do you have any longterm investment ideas? It's never too early to open a Roth IRA Andy? What are you doing? And that's how you master backspin in tetherball.
Who was that? A fella who who goes by the initials J.
R.
I don't think he's gonna be knocking on the Fireflies door anytime soon.
All right let's hit the road before you go to arts and crafts and fashion a chastity belt.
We're gonna play capture the flag with my friends.
Do you guys wanna join? Oh sweetie, we don't have time.
We have to go.
- Oh really?! - Aw, really?! Yeah, say your goodbyes, kids.
We love you, Hazie.
And we're so proud of the young woman you're becoming.
Thanks, Mom.
- Don't go shavin' - Mom! I'm never letting you go, Hazie! Dad! Okay now you can.
Or now.
Okay, put down your daughter.
Step away from the cabin.
See you in three weeks? Unless you wanna come with us now.
I'll see you before you know it.
[quirky music.]
Where are you Devon? [ding dong.]
Oh! India! Does this belong to you? Maybe.
- Does this? - Sorry Brookie.
Do I look like an idiot? No, you look stunning and that bag really suits you.
Listen, sister, I ain't mad at hustle, but don't ever try to hustle me.
See, I went rogue.
She knew nothing about this.
Well, according to my bodyguard, he was wearing a headset and reporting his every move.
I could sue.
Do you have any idea how much money I get paid for an endorsement? India, from one incredibly attractive businesswoman to another, please accept my sincerest apologies.
And hey, you keep the bag, huh? Oh I'm keeping it.
I have one with turquoise accents as well, that would really complement your eyes.
You're lucky your shit's cute.
What else you got? - Right this way.
- Come in.
Welcome to my palace to my palace Walking on these diamonds Tell 'em who the baddest who's the baddest Just tell them who's the baddest Looking at my necklace I know you feeling precious Open up the eyes Look at all this madness bitch - I'm rich - [ding dong.]
What seems to be the problem, Officer? Someone reported a disturbance in here, ma'am.
Really? I can't imagine why.
Because something disturbing is happening.
- [cheers.]
- [rap music.]
Mm, great Frosé babe.
Seriously, I am so proud of you.
Juggling your job and the kids all weekend all without the staff.
And kind of without me.
Look, I know I've been a little lost lately Sh.
Babe, look! Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The nannies.
[deep sighs.]
[slurp drinks.]
You know what, I am going to volunteer at Hazel's school this year like you suggested.
That's great but tread lightly.
'Cause if you hover too low, she could rebel and become a conservative, or a vegan.
But if I keep tabs on her Everyone says kids today are "growing up so fast" because of technology and everything, but I think it was way worse when I was a kid.
There was nothing else to do but experiment.
Yeah.
Lex and I used to go out to Sheep's Meadow and see how high we could shoot up model rockets.
Oh, I meant experiment sexually.
At my bat-mitzvah Jenn Linardos gave Trip Cullman a handjob on the putting green at our club.
Everyone called her the 19th hole after that.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Well, that's two years away, and she was the fastest one in our group.
I have a good idea.
Let's play that game: Silencio! Wow! Welcome back! - Thank you, Candace.
- The place looks perfect.
I'm shocked you would expect anything less.
Goodnight, Mother.
Sweet dreams, honey! [coughs.]
[whistles.]
Third door on the left.
" You shot the doormen.
I'm gonna do a group show.
I'd love to include you.
I wish you would stay.
Is this a test? No, I just wanted you to know how I feel.
So you met Mr.
Ernie Krevitt, genius investor.
- What's going on? - They're saying he pulled a Madoff.
- [gasps.]
- Brooke just got me in with him.
Sebastian! Of course I went all in.
Ernie was our best performing manager.
He was killing it for us.
Should we be freaking out? No, fortunately we never had enough money to invest with him.
- My mother did.
- Oh.
Candace?! We didn't have much money with him, did we? Babe, we still have each other.
[screams.]
No! [gags.]
I just can't believe she's gone.
I mean, she was so beautiful, I mean, almost too perfect to look at, like the teeth of an Obama.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt But I I I Now she's God only knows where with God only knows who.
I hate myself for losing her! Lex, I'm a grief counselor for those who've lost a loved one Not a yacht.
[sobs.]
Are you all right? It's just you've been standing here the better part of an hour.
Is there someone I should call? Who would you call? I had to fire my Art Advisor.
Now I'm expected to figure out if I like this painting.
All.
By.
Myself! Marisa? Are you okay? Jill.
You have no idea what I've just been through.
Our financial advisor made us choose between the chalet in Aspen and the horse farm in Millbrook.
It was a Sophie's Choice.
Have you ever read Sophie's Choice? Just be thankful that you were not affected by that crook, Krevitts.
Oh, I was affected.
We're out of tonic.
And I'd appreciate if you'd invest in a removable shower head.
Mother!? [theme music.]
Hey yes you know I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine Dottie! Miles! Let's hit the roadski! Must you project like that? You're not centerstage on Broadway.
Rolling Eyes Emoji.
Just trying to get the gang together You're gonna have the place to yourself this weekend.
Ah, thank goodness.
I haven't slept past eleven since I moved in.
I'm practically on a day laborer's schedule.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I thought I told you never to use that word.
I mean, really, do I look like a grandmother? You look like an angel.
A fallen Victoria's Secret angel.
Honey, I know it has not been easy, but it's important that we are supportive in her time of need.
'Til when? The Grim Reaper buzzes from the lobby? Mother, please turn off all the lights when you go out.
And don't leave out any food overnight and I suppose next you're gonna tell me not to have any boys over? Actually, yeah.
We don't want any - Ta-ta! - Okay.
You know that your mother's gonna throw an epic rager.
We're gonna come home to find Long Duck Dong on the exercise bike and Anthony Michael Hall trapped under the coffee table.
Don't be silly, honey.
Life is not a John Hughes movie.
- You're right.
- Otherwise I'd be married to Andrew McCarthy.
This city is one crawdad boil away from being a swamp.
I'm dying.
Oh I know.
It's so hot the Statue of Liberty is like [sniffs and groans.]
At least you're escaping to the woods! I'll be here with the cockroach conga line down Avenue A.
Are you still seeing Krevitt victims in the ER from rich person accidents? Our burn unit is inundated with people using their ovens for the first time.
- Seriously? - And last night, a woman checked in because she missed having her call button.
[cell phone rings.]
- Oh, let me guess, Graham? - Yup.
It's like four FaceTimes a day! It's still so weird to me that he's in Burundi but can FaceTime.
I was picturing him in the bush with some tribeswoman bringing him a telegram.
With, like, those neck rings Jill! No.
It's impoverished there, but it's still 2017.
They don't have like, bones through their nose.
They're wearing, like, Sean John t-shirts.
- Stop it.
- I swear.
- Time to go.
- Okay, give this to Hazel and tell that sweet girl I love her! Okay, and tell Graham I say [clicks tongue.]
[mimics African dialect.]
- That means "hi".
- You're going to hell.
I ought to hug you but I'm schvitzing my balls off.
- Don't touch me.
- Love you.
[birds crowing.]
[scoffs.]
[water splashing.]
- [ding dong.]
- Oh God.
There's no one here to answer it.
Do you think I should open it myself? If I'm not back in five minutes, eat Langley first.
Oh Devon! Thank God! There's someone at the door.
It was me.
Ugh, you have no idea what it's like being alone with these unruly hellcats.
If Ernie Krevitt wasn't already in jail, I would murder him for what he's done to this family.
- I had to cut my staff! - [gasps.]
From seven days a week to five.
We're living like animals.
What doesn't kill us, makes us thinner.
Amen.
Kids, we need the kitchen.
Go teach yourselves coding.
Thank you so much for coming, Devon.
- Mm.
- With Lex's fund in limbo, my company's our only source of income.
Mine too.
So give it to me straight.
What is the state of the union with Von Weber? As you know, we ordered 100,000 Native American inspired totes for last season's Navawhore collection.
Still a great looking bag! Then Krevitt relieved our target demo of all disposable income.
[sighs.]
So how many did we sell? 37,000.
You're telling me there's $14 million dollars' worth of merchandise just sitting there? Like Ghandi.
[exasperated sigh.]
We need people who weren't bank-raped by Krevitt to start paying attention to Von Weber.
- Who are they? - [scoffs.]
Does this paper chain look ghettissimo ? I feel like it's all about flash tattoos and drones these days.
Im just so excited to see her.
How much farther? Pull up the "Are we there yet?" feature on your screen and track our progress, hon.
I wonder if she's gonna look different.
Like, more developed.
When she left she had cherry tomatoes, but by now, they may be full-on heirlooms.
Jill, it's only been three and a half weeks! My parents always said I'd grown two inches by visiting day.
It says 11:45.
Why is Maine so far? Guys, we're going to play a wonderful game called: Silencio! Whoever's quiet the longest gets a prize.
You've been doing the vast majority of the talking.
What is the prize? You don't know until you win.
Might be a snack, or a wad of cash, or a brand new family! Ready? One, two, three: Silencio! B-T-dubs I got the new parent volunteer forms for school and I can't deal.
Between prepping for my Men in Uniform art show and your mom squatting like the cast of "Rent", I could really use some more support this fall.
Um, if that pause were any more pregnant it would have its own show on MTV.
I just think you're better at that stuff.
Better at pretending to care about inconsequential shit during interminable meetings? You're a lawyer.
Didn't you go to school for that? Let's talk about it later? Guys! We're here! [rock music playing.]
What's with all the Lester's bags? They should spell it L-E-S-T-I-Z-Z because everyone who shops there call it "Lestizz.
" How long 'til we get to see Hazel? Oh, are you Hazel's family? Yeah hi.
I'm Andy Weber.
My wife, Jill.
Hi! I am Kara, Remi's mom! - Remi? - Hazel's BFF! I've heard all about your daughter! How she taught the whole cabin the Badunkadunk Shake.
So, what did you bring for Bunk Junk? Oh um, the twins decorated these cookies.
How about you? Oy, what didn't we bring? We've got Zabar's cold bags, we've got Baked by Melissa, Mr.
Chows and Sushi of Gari 'cause they miss the ethnic so much up here.
But isn't it hard to keep that stuff fresh? No, we've got ice packs, and we were wheels up about an hour ago, so.
Wh what does that mean? That's the tail number of our jet! It's like the license plate.
Neat!? This place is like John Galliano and Mel Gibson's worst nightmare.
Moms and Dads, sisters and bros! Who's ready to see their campers? [cheers.]
Yes! I'm so glad we got Hazel up here in nature for a while.
Out of the rat race of the city.
Ready, set, go! - [energetic rock music.]
- [people chattering.]
Mom, are you okay? That was Pamplona.
But with Jews.
Okay, she's okay.
Come on! [rock music continues.]
There she is! There's my little girl! See I told you she'd look more grown up.
[sexy R&B music.]
Yay! La Durée! I love you, Mom.
Hon, be sure to share with the less fortunate.
Are jacks not a thing still? Thanks, Mom, I love everything.
Oh my God! It's just like I'm walking through a forest! I know.
Incredible, right? I like what you've done with your area.
- It's really creative.
- Thanks.
Jill, get over here.
- What's wrong? - Look! Babe, that's sweet! Who is this JR person? Calm down.
Crushes are as much a part of camp as pink eye.
Remi, show the Webers the dance Hazel taught you.
It is the cutest.
- [rap music.]
- Damn your girl got a fat ass I know my girl got a fat ass Damn my girl got a flat ass I know your girl got a flat ass Shorty got that bubble mind I'm smelling toast.
Isn't that a sign of a stroke? Adorable, right? My Remi is a danceaholic.
She's on a competitive team in Boca.
I want to start dance class this fall, too, Mom.
Sure, as long as the barre is horizontal and not vertical.
This isn't funny.
We're losing her.
Relax.
It'll twerk itself out.
Mommy, can you get me the jacks ball? Sure honey.
[gasps.]
You shaved?! I told y'all she the shit So here is the plan.
We gift the major influencer of each group a bag.
Then their friends will buy buy buy, tweeting and Instagram'ing us into the black, black, black.
Hm, it's basic trickle down Brookenomics.
It has to work! Okay for our web of influencers we have identified hip-hop baby mommas for the urban demographic.
Second-tier telenovela stars for the latina market.
- And NFL wives - A Von Weber on the arm of a game-day jersey? It just doesn't feel right.
Think of all your idols who've had to endure mainstream success.
Ralph Lauren, Tory Burch Tommy Hilfiger practically pioneered the hi low strategy.
Exactly.
Oh, I'm DMing you India Gants's latest post.
She's beachside in Montauk with Dot the Rapper wearing the cutest suit.
Track it down for me? I'll buy anything that she's selling.
Devon, we're a genius! Forget the local Brookes.
One big Brooke would sell all these bags in a heartbeat.
Perfect! We know she's already beachside, so I'll just deliver the bag! No gifting.
America's Next Top Model could gag on swag.
We're going to need to be stealth.
If a model owns a bag, but doesn't take a picture with it, did it even exist in the first place? Exactly.
We gonna need ankle boots on the ground to cleverly place a Von Weber bag in her next selfie, ideally without her noticing.
But I am on house arrest with my demon spawn.
I'll do whatever you need.
Swim-suit up.
I'm sending you in.
[exclaims.]
Mom, all the girls shave! I was a yeti.
Yes, but you're a blonde yeti! No one sees it unless the sun hits it.
Which is all the time in summer.
Look, once you start, you can't stop.
Shaving is like a gateway drug.
To what? Shaving other things? I don't know.
Just take your time.
Don't just go with the flow.
Wait, you didn't get your period, did you? No.
Phew! Yeah, eleven's way too young.
But Remi and Mollie have.
What? Jill, it's normal.
What are you talking about? We didn't have boobs and pubes then.
Her bunkmates have legit knockers and crimson tides.
It's environmental.
Because there's hormones in milk and chicken nuggets, the national menarche has plummeted.
What the hell is a menarche? A girl's first period.
I think it's Greek for "beginning.
" I can't accept that girls Hazel's age are on their Raggedy Ann.
And I'm not even the one freaking out.
Andy's ready to FedEx her to a convent.
Hang on.
First time using an iron? Yeah, you can't press the clothes when they're on your body.
I'll treat the burn and give you a prescription for an ironing board.
I gotta go.
Rich people require supervision.
Tell me about it.
I'm convinced Candace is going Coyote Ugly on my kitchen island.
["Old Time Rock and Roll" by Bob Seger plays.]
Do you still remember Can you stilll stay up all night Come a little bit closer Got past security and also got a date Focus! You are only gonna get one shot at India with my bag and her selfie needs to be perfect or else she won't post it! Now put your shirt back on and get that snap.
You don't know I took my shirt off.
I always know.
O-M God.
I see her! Oh my God I'm walking over! You just used your excited voice, Devon.
I swear if you embarrass me It's soup.
10 feet away.
5 feet away.
Make the drop, Devon! T-minus selfie, going in five [muffled sounds and gasping through phone.]
Did you get the shot? Devon? Devon what happened? And how does it reflect on me? Where did that come from? And what do you want to do when you grow up? You'll need to be able to provide for my daughter, so "ceramicist" is off the table.
Do you have any longterm investment ideas? It's never too early to open a Roth IRA Andy? What are you doing? And that's how you master backspin in tetherball.
Who was that? A fella who who goes by the initials J.
R.
I don't think he's gonna be knocking on the Fireflies door anytime soon.
All right let's hit the road before you go to arts and crafts and fashion a chastity belt.
We're gonna play capture the flag with my friends.
Do you guys wanna join? Oh sweetie, we don't have time.
We have to go.
- Oh really?! - Aw, really?! Yeah, say your goodbyes, kids.
We love you, Hazie.
And we're so proud of the young woman you're becoming.
Thanks, Mom.
- Don't go shavin' - Mom! I'm never letting you go, Hazie! Dad! Okay now you can.
Or now.
Okay, put down your daughter.
Step away from the cabin.
See you in three weeks? Unless you wanna come with us now.
I'll see you before you know it.
[quirky music.]
Where are you Devon? [ding dong.]
Oh! India! Does this belong to you? Maybe.
- Does this? - Sorry Brookie.
Do I look like an idiot? No, you look stunning and that bag really suits you.
Listen, sister, I ain't mad at hustle, but don't ever try to hustle me.
See, I went rogue.
She knew nothing about this.
Well, according to my bodyguard, he was wearing a headset and reporting his every move.
I could sue.
Do you have any idea how much money I get paid for an endorsement? India, from one incredibly attractive businesswoman to another, please accept my sincerest apologies.
And hey, you keep the bag, huh? Oh I'm keeping it.
I have one with turquoise accents as well, that would really complement your eyes.
You're lucky your shit's cute.
What else you got? - Right this way.
- Come in.
Welcome to my palace to my palace Walking on these diamonds Tell 'em who the baddest who's the baddest Just tell them who's the baddest Looking at my necklace I know you feeling precious Open up the eyes Look at all this madness bitch - I'm rich - [ding dong.]
What seems to be the problem, Officer? Someone reported a disturbance in here, ma'am.
Really? I can't imagine why.
Because something disturbing is happening.
- [cheers.]
- [rap music.]
Mm, great Frosé babe.
Seriously, I am so proud of you.
Juggling your job and the kids all weekend all without the staff.
And kind of without me.
Look, I know I've been a little lost lately Sh.
Babe, look! Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The nannies.
[deep sighs.]
[slurp drinks.]
You know what, I am going to volunteer at Hazel's school this year like you suggested.
That's great but tread lightly.
'Cause if you hover too low, she could rebel and become a conservative, or a vegan.
But if I keep tabs on her Everyone says kids today are "growing up so fast" because of technology and everything, but I think it was way worse when I was a kid.
There was nothing else to do but experiment.
Yeah.
Lex and I used to go out to Sheep's Meadow and see how high we could shoot up model rockets.
Oh, I meant experiment sexually.
At my bat-mitzvah Jenn Linardos gave Trip Cullman a handjob on the putting green at our club.
Everyone called her the 19th hole after that.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Well, that's two years away, and she was the fastest one in our group.
I have a good idea.
Let's play that game: Silencio! Wow! Welcome back! - Thank you, Candace.
- The place looks perfect.
I'm shocked you would expect anything less.
Goodnight, Mother.
Sweet dreams, honey! [coughs.]
[whistles.]
Third door on the left.