Offspring (2010) s03e01 Episode Script

Dr Nina Proudman, this is Dr Patrick Reid.
Hello again.
I suck at intimacy.
So do I.
Dr Patrick Reid, our new anaesthetist.
My old friend, may I present Dr Chris Havel? G'day.
Chris Havel.
How are you? Why did you have to meet now? I don't know.
You need to think about how you're living, Jimmy.
You're not a kid anymore.
You need to show some responsibility.
I made a mistake! Or two.
Jimmy, I'm pregnant.
Zara's pregnant to me.
What blood type are you? I can assure you I didn't lie about Ray's conception.
I just need for us to be together.
At the very least, we need to see Andrew.
It's been two weeks.
He lost a baby, too, Billie.
We may never be able to have kids, but I want to be with you forever.
I went to see him to tell him I can't be with him.
I need you to want to be with me.
I'm in love with you.
Watch out.
You might actually be happy.
The Proudman blood types do tell us one thing for sure.
Nina isn't Darcy's child.
Most parents are bursting with wishes the day their baby's born.
What do we wish for our little Nina as she ventures forth into life? We want our daughter to discover a challenging career she loves.
Yeah.
Her own home, financial independence, straight teeth.
And to find a good and honourable man.
Yes.
Preferably an absurdly attractive one.
I have all that.
Shit.
You're tempting fate.
It's an unfair amount of happiness for one person.
You OK? I do.
I want to know what goes on inside your head.
Say nothing.
I imagined a bomb squelched me into a gelatinous mess.
Because? Because my life's going too well.
It means I'm inviting disaster.
I'm wondering what could we do to get your mind off such unpleasant thoughts? Any suggestions? Good sex as well.
Ah.
Whatever.
I was thinking we should have a nice dinner - the four of us.
You know, me and Mick, you and Patrick.
A happy couples' dinner.
Would that be flaunting your happiness in the face of destiny? What's with the face? Hmm? You're not handling this relationship with your brain, are you? No.
It's going well.
Are you having 'sexcapades'? Well, as a matter of fact.
We Proudmans all have a high sex drive.
I've never been like this before.
I mean, the smallest thing sets me off.
If we watch a romantic film.
If we watch a sad film.
Well, that's hardly surprising, 'cause a weepy movie We watch an incomprehensible film about robots.
What? Oh, we were just sitting here the other day.
I was eating Ryvitas.
Oh, don't tell me Ryvitas are an aphrodisiac too.
I was making monster crunching noises.
How many times a day? Two.
Three.
Well, now you're just boasting.
Well, you asked.
What, do you want me to lie? Now you sound smug.
I'm not smug.
It won't last like this, you know.
I know.
Won't it? No.
So, are you saying that he's he's good at it? Yes.
I am victorious.
I am sweaty.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hi, Billie.
Hey.
Hello.
Is something wrong? No.
Hmm.
I know.
I stink.
I'll jump in the shower.
Hey.
Do you want me to leave immediately, so you can go in there and have sex with him? No.
We're not insatiable animals.
Anyway, you and Mick Me and Mick haven't had sex in three weeks.
Oh.
Three weeks.
Aww.
Look, that's that's Three weeks isn't such a It is for me and Mick.
I mean, sex has always been our strong suit.
But ever since the wedding night, it's just been off.
Hmm.
I came home early from the office a few nights.
Mick's been working so hard lately.
Mick's been working so hard lately.
And I try staying awake when Mick has a late shift.
Then I had a cold.
Then Mick too.
Mine must be swine flu.
Then there was the night where we played cards with the tenants downstairs.
I can't believe you chose that moment to play the left bower.
And then last weekend, we had a real togetherness effort.
You know, we cooked this special Thai banquet.
And we'd both been chopping up a lot of chilli.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow, ow, ow! Get the yoghurt, quick! Yeah! Oh.
Remember, all couples go through Don't use the counselling voice on me.
I am gonna rearrange my schedule, so that I can have intercourse with my husband.
Bye.
Bye.
Here you are, living in the present.
There's no reason to assume you're gonna be pulverised Ooh! Still need to watch for oncoming traffic.
Hey.
Hi.
Good morning.
Morning.
I keep avoiding her, because I can't work out do I tell her or do I keep it a secret? You know my stance on this issue.
Tell Nina the truth.
"Blood types indicate that you cannot possibly be Darcy's child.
" But he's her dad in every way that counts.
I mean, what's anyone got to gain by exploiting that right now? Well, one could argue Why is it always me that hurls the grenades into the Proudman family? Hmm.
An unwelcome burden.
I don't want to be that person again.
Every individual has the right to know his or her genetic origin.
As an adopted child, you must appreciate the imperative to offer full disclosure.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
But it feels extra mean to tell her when she's so happy.
Is it better to tell her when? I don't know.
Wrestling with a moral dilemma, you are even more electrifying to me, Cherie.
I will tell her just not right now.
I'll find the perfect moment to drop this bomb.
I just have to keep my mouth shut till then.
Oi! Ah, Jim.
I just popped in to bring Zara some breakfast.
Oh.
Hey, sperm boy.
What have you got there? Thanks, Jimmy.
The sire of Zara's baby.
Is he good breeding stock? Well, yes, Kim.
I think Jimmy did inherit strong genetic material.
Mmm.
This is delicious.
It's rich in folate and calcium, which you need when you're pregnant.
What exactly is the arrangement between you two? Well, when the baby's born, I'm gonna be the full-time nanny.
Who would also happen to be the baby's father.
So, you can come back to work whenever you want to.
Excellent.
I reckon I could make a good nanny.
I think you're gonna be great.
Is there any chance of this becoming a proper lovey-dovey relationship? Maybe.
No.
Anyway, I can't hang around.
I'm taking on heaps of work to stock money away before the baby comes.
Ah.
The, uh, pregnancy books reckon we should collect our family medical history.
On only if you want.
See ya.
Speaking of pregnant women, Panicky Petra is coming in to be induced.
Oh, please don't give the patients derogatory nicknames, Kim.
Hi again.
I, um, just have to women, babies Does she have a problem with me? Oh.
Don't imagine trouble when it may never eventuate, Nina.
Just inhabit the present moment with joy.
Where's my man? Gone to buy mulch.
Mick reckons he's got you helping on a few jobs.
I'll take all the work he'll throw my way.
Just make sure you don't kill any more of Mick's clients' pets.
I won't.
Well, I've got some other pregnancy books I could loan you, if you like.
That'd be fantastic.
Really great.
Thanks, Billie.
Because I want to read everything I can, and I'd love to be able to yak with you Just don't gush at me.
I will manage to get excited about you having an accidental baby.
Just not there yet.
Fair enough.
May I have a Ryvita? No, you may not.
I need them.
Hi.
What's up? We haven't had sex in Three weeks.
I'm thinking right now.
Good plan.
I put on sexy underwear.
Great.
I'm wearing just the usual.
Don't care.
Need to get mulch? Fuck mulch.
Seeing you're this overdue and your blood pressure is Rising.
But we're not talking pre-eclampsia, are we? No.
Don't worry.
I think we should rupture your membranes, and see if we can get labour started that way.
Nina, you know I'm a hard-core worrier.
It's normal to be anxious.
The maternal mortality rate in developed countries is 10 in 100,000.
It's very, very Very low, yeah.
But someone has to be those 10.
I mean, why should I assume I'm not one of the 10? Petra, I understand, but I want you to keep things in perspective, and concentrate on your labour.
What if I need syntocinon? Massively increase my chances of having an epidural.
The thought of some student doctor jabbing wildly at my spine I'm not gonna let anyone jab wildly at your spinal cord.
Now, let's let's rupture your membranes.
Ah.
That was sensational.
Oh, thank God.
All is right in the universe again.
The earth is back on its axis.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, we Proudmans inherited high sex drive from both sides of the family.
I know.
I thank God for it every day.
We should sacrifice a goat in gratitude.
Well, maybe not having sex for three weeks is the best thing that could happen.
What?! Well, because now we know that our relationship can survive that.
I see your point, but I have to vote in for 'never again'.
No, no.
We make a pact.
Never go without sex for more than, what, four days? Agreed.
Now, even even if we don't feel like it.
Even if we have to shake each other away.
Wake me up anytime.
We're so lucky.
We have all this love.
We need to spread more love.
What do you mean? Well, I got a few ideas, but For example don't you think we're ready to, maybe, you know try for a baby? You OK? Petra, hi.
I'm Dr Reid.
I'm one of the anaesthetists on staff here.
Nina asked me to come in and No need to inform me with the risk with epidurals, puncture to the dura, nerve damage, foetal bradychardia.
If I end up having a general anaesthetic, I don't need to tell you about the potential dangers.
No.
You don't need to tell me the risks.
'Cause you're an anaesthetist.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Please don't be offended.
- I'm not offended.
- Sorry I'm like this.
Hey.
Look, some people are lucky.
You know, they don't even think about this stuff.
Other people, including me I just obsess about everything that can go wrong.
Yeah.
It kind of goes with being an anaesthetist.
It's my job to be on the lookout for danger, and minimise pain, and protect you.
We can't give you a total guarantee about something like giving birth But it almost always goes great.
Yes.
It's why I'm in this department - babies get born.
Now, is there anything you want to ask me? No.
OK.
Hey! Oh, hi.
How are you? Much better.
Well, you both look glowing.
Oh, well, um we recently reaffirmed our love.
Yes.
You know what? It's technically called a wedding.
No, no.
We reaffirmed our love much more recently than that.
The thing is, um we feel ready now to to to take the emotional risk of trying to get pregnant again.
Oh.
Great.
I'm glad.
Well, so, um in other words, we want another vial of your life essence.
My essence is yours.
Aww! Just name the day.
I'll check my calendar, and let you know.
Well, the boys and I are ready to go.
OK.
And there's something else.
Is there? Yep.
We want everyone to be as happy as we are.
Well, that'd be good.
And you're giving us this amazing gift, and and we'd like to give you something in return.
It doesn't have to be a trade.
I'm quite happy to give my pollen unilaterally.
Just because you're a generous and wonderful person.
Oh, thank you.
And you, of all people, deserve to be loved, which is why I'm gonna find you a man.
Whoa! Billie, no, you can't do that.
I'm sorry, mate.
He doesn't want you to be his matchmaker.
Don't worry.
What the hell.
Let's see who Billie can find for me.
Thank you.
I'll let you know about the light fittings.
Thanks.
Back again? Hi! Was that the sort of thing that you were looking for? Oh, it's lovely.
A little out of my price range.
Did you see the wine cellar? Are you into wine? Yeah.
I love wine.
So, what's your view on neatly groomed facial hair? Fine on a man.
On a woman, I'm not so sure.
Are you doing a bio profile? No.
How do you feel about daggy dancing? Sorry? Like, um Off-putting or endearingly attractive? It depends on the person.
It could be cute, I guess.
Would you say that you're in the market for a life partner? Look, I should probably say that I'm This future partner - would you imagine that he or she? Yeah.
Well, that's the thing.
It would be a he, so, um Perfect.
Go for it, Petra.
Rest while you can.
Come on.
Do you want to try the fit ball again? Is Petra doing OK? Labour's well-established? Yeah.
Cherie reckons she's dilating like a champion.
Has has Cherie mentioned she might've been upset with me in the last couple of weeks? Uh-uh.
We figure there's always weird family stuff going on between you two.
Oh.
You be Cherie? Why do I have to be Cherie? Get up.
Who did you say the father of this baby is? Darcy Proudman.
"Holy bat shit! I'm delivering my own brother.
" I would never say, "Holy bat shit.
" My point is this one would expect ongoing weird for years.
Years after something like that.
We look suspicious without a child.
Like we're here to steal one.
Hey.
Dad, hey.
When you said "family medical history", you got me worried.
Are you sick or? No, no.
It's OK.
I need to collect the information on everyone related to me by blood, so I know the genetic load my kid will inherit.
Oh.
I'll take Ray.
Here.
Write neatly.
Hello, little man.
Hello, little man! Wa-hey! Oh.
Let's go and play.
Let's go and play.
Let's go and play.
Look at you.
Hi.
He's my little brother.
I'm gonna have a baby of my own in a few months.
- Ray, look.
- Ah! See? Brothers.
You need to tick thyroid condition.
Your Aunty Maureen.
Oh.
Did she have a? That's why she had those bulgy eyes.
And don't forget your grandfather's shrivelled kidney.
You remember my family history better than I do.
Oh, you're doing brilliantly, Petra.
Just rest a moment.
Next one, we need a big push.
You'll get the prize for the most peaceful labour of the month.
Nina could tell you how loud I bellowed.
Oh, that's it.
Fantastic.
See? Nothing going wrong.
You want to come round here and see your baby get born? That's very good digging, Ray.
You're a very good little digger.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're the father of Zara's baby? Oh, come on, Geraldine.
Don't start.
People can have sex with more than one person at a time.
Oh.
Was that a dig at me? An infidelity dig at me? Zara's an unusual person.
Well, I think she's a lovely young woman.
Despite your father's rosy belief in the innocence in any attractive person of the female persuasion, it's logical to ask Mum! I just want to be sure you're sure.
I am sure Zara isn't lying.
She prefers someone else was the father, OK? Someone more established and mature than me.
Well, you got a few months to grow up before the baby comes.
Mm-hm.
"Mental illness"? Emphysema, gout, skin eruptions.
What the hell are tarry stools? These don't sound like things I want my kid to inherit.
When your baby's born, you're not gonna care about any of that.
You'll just imagine your child having a wonderful life.
Thanks for everything, and putting up with my angst.
Oh.
No problem.
Congratulations.
He's your daddy.
She's so beautiful.
Ah.
Cherie, since the wedding, I know I've I've been, well with Patrick.
Hmm.
Everything in my life feels right at the moment.
I love seeing you happy, Neens.
But I hate things being out of kilter with you and me.
Oh.
Petra, hi.
- You had a baby? - Yeah.
Sorry about being a pain before.
Thanks for everything.
No worries.
Oh.
Good on you.
She had a dream run in the end.
So I can stash my potions away and go home early.
The sexual electricity generated by those two could be harnessed to provide the power needs of a small town.
Oh, I've had a good day.
I feel great.
I could see that.
Your place or my place? Oh, let's go to my place, so I can get dressed for dinner.
Let's take my car.
It goes faster.
How are you? Yeah, I'm good.
Hello.
G'day.
Look at us all.
So happy.
It is possible.
It's OK.
It doesn't mean a bad thing is looming to engulf my life.
What, you need to replenish bodily fluids, I guess.
- What? - Get used to it.
There are no secrets between these two.
Hey, is that your brother over there? Shh.
We should say hi.
No, no.
Leave it.
They're on a blind date.
Arranged by Billie.
Yeah.
He doesn't know we're here.
What?! So, are we snooping on him? I can't see.
Can you see what's going on? Well, they're talking.
Don't recruit Patrick to be a spy.
He's loving it.
Yeah.
I don't mind.
Andrew's getting up, and he's coming over here.
Hi, Andrew.
Hi.
When did you spot us? Just now.
I didn't know the match-making included follow-up surveillance.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Anyway, it looks like more fun over here.
Can I come and sit with you guys, please? Is it not going well? Is he? No.
I'm the problem.
I don't want to risk saying the wrong thing, so I'm saying nothing of any conceivable interest.
I'm boring myself to the brink of coma.
Just relax into it, and be your lovely self.
Dance for him.
What? A dance? Don't tell him to dance.
He's not a trained monkey.
We we have big news.
Ah.
Um Mick and I are gonna try for a baby again, with Andrew's help.
That's great.
That's fantastic.
Congratulations! Hear, hear.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Hmm.
Oh, um, your date's looking over this way.
I don't know how I'm gonna extricate myself from this nicely.
What, do you want me to do it? No, no.
I'll go back.
Perhaps I'm just not built for this true love thing.
Not like you lot, you lucky ducks.
Is that your phone? Mm-hm.
Jimmy? Nina, your apartment's on fire.
Oh, Patrick.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Daddy.
Oh, my darling girl.
What's happened? Oh! Now, it's not as bad as it looks, The firies have been tremendous.
Is it inside? Yeah.
There is some damage to your apartment, but the building itself is still structurally intact.
Oh.
That's good, I think.
Well, good job you had your smoke detectors, hey? Yeah.
Oh, Neens.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, your beautiful place.
Uh-huh.
How did it start? Uh Is Brendan out of the psych ward and back into explosives? No.
Jimmy.
Was Jimmy cooking deep-fried Kit Kats? Hey.
Oh, Jim! Are you OK? Are you alright? Were you cooking? Come on, it's not Jimmy's fault.
The fire was already going when I got home.
In fact, your brother is something of a hero.
He dashed in there and braved the flames, so he could rescue some of your belongings.
I wasn't sure what you'd most like me to save.
I figured photos and important papers were the priority.
OK.
Thank you.
It's Oh.
God, you've lost your stuff too.
It's no big deal.
I sold pretty much everything to pay back my debts to the family.
Lucky, eh? Andrew.
Oh.
I'll just get your stuff.
It's OK.
No-one was hurt.
And it's just my stuff.
I mean, it's just stuff, isn't it? Yeah.
Sure.
We're not our possessions.
A fire can be a cleansing thing.
Burning away everything that doesn't matter, so that you can rise like a phoenix.
Nina, you're allowed to be upset about this.
I know.
OK.
No-one expects you to see your home in flames, and then reach some kind of philosophical point of view.
What? Part of me is relieved.
What, about your flat burning down? Disaster has struck.
Balance is restored.
Yep.
Marvellous thing about this family when shipwrecks occur, we rally around.
Have you got the wheelie thing? I don't know.
She's alright.
Yeah.
We're fine, love.
Don't you worry.
I couldn't believe it.
Come in, quickly.
Hey.
Put the kettle on, eh? Remember when we got back to my apartment this afternoon? Yes, I do.
I said Oh, leave it.
Cointreau doesn't stain.
Mmm.
Then I said Wait, I've got some new scented candles.
And I said Do we really need those? We can keep this romantic.
Afterwards, we were in a mad rush to get to the restaurant.
I got flustered about the hair mousse.
Stupid Take off your pants.
Huh? I think that's how the fire started.
So, what you're saying is we Set fire to my apartment.
Shit.
Shit.
Are you gonna tell your family? No.
I'd never hear the end of it.
Our secret.
Woodfire pizza? Bonfire beef? Or some other fire-themed dish? Just something fast, and I'll throw some salads together.
Is there anything in the fridge for nibbles? What's the wine situation? Uh-oh.
We need to make a trip to the bottle shop, love.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Alright.
Yep, yep.
Nina, I just heard.
Poor baby.
Here, um, eat something.
Oh.
Thanks, Cherie.
It'll be OK.
I got my soggy birth certificate.
The names are almost washed off.
Hey, I should've apologised properly for questioning you about Ray.
Hmm.
I've been in a bit of a sex fog with Patrick.
I forget things.
Anyway, I'm I'm so sorry if I upset you.
You and Ray are such an important part of this family.
Did you ever work that out - the mix-up with the blood types? Are you OK? What? You made the wrong assumption about your parents.
Did I? Oh.
Martin and I discovered that What? What?! Dad's an AB? But I'm an O.
No.
It can't possibly No.
Must be a mistake.
Shit.
It's not a mistake.
Nina, I didn't know if I should tell Geraldine? Am I your biological child? Yes.
Why would you? But I'm not Darcy's child, am I? What? I can assure you he was present at your birth.
Yes, but was he was he present at my conception? Nina, you've had a terrible shock tonight with the fire No.
It's not about fire.
It's about blood types.
Oh, right.
You mean when we all did the? Oh, darling.
I don't know anything You don't need to know about blood types to have one, Mum.
No.
I mean I don't understand I do.
I'm a doctor.
According to our blood types, I can be your daughter, but I can't be Darcy's.
Oh, Nina.
When you were a baby, you had Darcy's green eyes, and I was so relieved, and And after that, I never let myself think about it.
And he was always so crazy about you.
You're sure he's not your father? No.
Well, the blood types prove it, then.
You aren't Darcy's, I suppose.
You you suppose?! This this is not a fucking clerical error, Mum! I'm not Darcy's daughter! What? I'm not a Proudman! Is this a joke? This What? What? How am I supposed to understand this? Would someone tell me what's going on? Apparently, Darcy is not Nina's birth father.
- What?! - I'm not a Proudman.
How can you sound so calm? I'm not calm.
Well, did you know and decide not to tell? I I won't be interrogated by my children.
Well, can we be sure we ARE your children? Yes.
Yes! Yes.
When I was a kid, I always prayed that I was adopted.
I always knew I was an accident, but I thought it was you and Dad who had the accident.
We did.
It's just only Nina who's Oh.
We're still half-siblings, aren't we? Yes.
- Dad.
What does Dad know? - Dad.
Oh, Dad.
Hey, Patrick.
I got you some soda.
Is that OK? Perfect, Darcy.
I wouldn't mind one right now.
Yeah.
Nina holding up OK? Yeah.
You know, she's Oh, she's a strong person that daughter of mine.
Oh, yeah.
It's I wouldn't mind one in the quiet.
Oh.
Top idea.
Ah.
Here's my girl.
You know, you could see the fire as an opportunity.
I mean, here you are with your terrific new bloke.
Now there's an excuse to go and buy all new clobber for the next stage of your fabulous life.
I mean I'm sorry that sounds like an annoying old fool thing to say, but I just I hate the thought of you No, Dad.
That That's a lovely way to see it.
And you're right.
- Mum, you are - How can you say that, Mum? Don't shout at me.
Are they ganging up on your mother? No.
I don't like the sound of that.
No.
I Dad, wait.
Hey.
Dad, wait.
What's the story here? - Hey, hey - For God's sake, Billie.
Can we discuss this later, please? Just shhh! Billie Proudman, your mother does not deserve to be harangued! Doesn't she? She lied to you.
I did not lie.
You so did! I didn't! I just never really Got around to telling him he's not Nina's real father.
What? The blood type showed it.
She she just confessed.
Geraldine? Mum?! Mum! Mum, you have to! Mum! She won't come out now.
She had the face.
Darcy, I can explain.
No.
Mum! Oh.
Nina.
This can't be right can it? Oh.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Yeah, sure.
Not if you don't want to.
I feel like the earth's splitting underneath me.
You don't want to talk about this.
I'm happy to.
We can.
Darcy is the father that brought me up.
Yep.
This doesn't have to be a big deal, does it? No.
Not at all.
You and Darcy have a great relationship.
So, it's OK that I've been lied to my whole life? I'm not saying that.
And the man that I thought was my father was Oh, this is a very, very, very big deal.
Of course it is.
No, it's not.
It doesn't have to be! It's just genetics.
It's a scrap of genetic material.
Why does that have to define who we are? No.
It doesn't.
It's all thrashing around my head.
It's OK.
You can thrash it around all you like.
What? What if it turns out you and I have the same father, and we can't be together? Ah! Ay! Por Dios! I am your half-brother.
Nina, look, my family came to Australia after you were born.
There's no way we can be related.
Oh.
Hey, careful.
If I admit something horrible, you promise you won't judge? OK.
I'm a tiny bit jealous that Nina gets to be the special one as usual.
You're judging me.
Well, I think the main thing here is The main thing here is, shit, what a horrible mess.
Poor Nina.
Poor Dad.
Yeah.
Are you alright? I love my father.
But he's not my father.