One Foot in the Grave (1990) s03e01 Episode Script
Monday Morning Will Be Fine (35 min)
# They say l might as well face the truth # That l am just too long in the tooth # So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But l have not yet quite gone to seed # l may be over the hill now that l have retired # Fading away but l'm not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # (Crowd cheers on TV) Pass it up, for Christ's sake.
Look at him.
He's taking it for a bloody sightseeing tour of Milan.
Get rid of it! (Doorbell rings) - Who's that, for goodness' sake? - Oh, give me a break.
Why don't you just gift-wrap the bloody ball and tie a ribbon on it for him? No, no.
Come in.
Jack, it's Mr Meldrew from over the road.
They had a robbery.
lt's just there, love.
Help yourself.
lsn't that terrible? - Oh, dear.
When was this, this morning? - Just now.
We'd been shopping.
We were only gone an hour.
We came back and the whole Hello.
Could l have the police, please? You see? l told you they were burglars.
That's 50p you owe me.
You've got to be joking.
l don't know why this ref isn't wearing an ltalian shirt.
- What do you mean? - Sorry? What do you mean, that's 50p she owes you? You told her they were burglars? Erm Well, there were these four men earlier on.
- Dressed a bit like the SAS.
- Doing what? Ermthey were coming out of your front door carrying a three-piece suite.
One winked and gave me a thumbs-up sign.
l assumed they were removal men.
Winked and gave you a thumbs-up sign? Removal men, be buggered.
l said to her, ''l bet they're stealing his furniture.
'' ''You've been watching too many episodes of Crimewatch'' was all l got.
Oh! Oh This could be dangerous.
Whoa! Well saved! Yes! You watched them take it out and all you did was say, ''l bet they're burglars''? They were ransacking my bloody house.
They were nice as ninepence to us.
Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet.
You can't go by appearances.
That's how they get away with What? What do you mean, ''Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet''? - They weren't in here, were they? - They said it was thirsty work.
The one with the tattoo on his nose said he could murder a mug of Quick Brew.
Very thirsty work? l should think it bloody was.
There they were stripping my house to bits in broad daylight as merry as you please, and you invite them in for tea? What is this, Buster Edwards's private catering company? And two boxes of Mr Kipling's almond slices they wolfed back.
Talk about gannets.
Wonder they didn't eat the plates.
l'm beginning to regret giving them that jumpstart for their van now.
Whoa! Just shaved the woodwork.
Bad luck, my son.
Jumpstart their You're not serious? The van wouldn't start.
We were only trying to be good Samaritans.
Good Samaritans? Oh, hello? Yes.
l'd like to report a burglary, please.
And two extremely brutal murders.
(Margaret) l want to disinfect the place from top to bottom.
Just have to leave it to those two detectives.
Hope they can catch them.
Detectives? l thought it was two schoolboys asking for their ball back.
One of them walked like a duck.
l suppose you noticed that.
They were a bit young, but they were very methodical.
Walking like a duck doesn't mean he can't do his job.
Like being interviewed by Titch and Quackers.
Look at this.
You can't tell me this is methodical.
Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints? l thought it had mildew.
Look at it.
ln the bathroom, l saw them spraying their stuff on the lavatory seat.
What's the idea? Scotland Yard has everyone's buttocks on file, have they? Now you know what it's like with you and your talcum powder.
- What do you mean? - Lift the lid on that seat, you'd think someone had spilt a sherbet dab.
Anyway, can we just drop the whole thing now, please? l've just about had enough for one day.
OhGod! lt's a wonder they managed to get through these doors to steal anything.
Three weeks this carpet's been down.
Will we ever get them shaved or not? Sorry? They're driving me up the bloody wall, on top of everything else.
We agreed we'd wait for Chippie Joe to come back from holiday.
There's no point getting charged an arm and a leg.
They've left behind that bottle of dodgy Greek brandy.
You want some? l suppose, yes.
We've still got all the joys of reporting it to the insurance company.
That'll be about as much fun as a kidney infection.
Thanks.
(Both sigh) Yes, l'm enjoying this glass of glue.
Oh What a day.
Oh.
By the way, l've managed to get us out of Meg's wedding on Saturday.
So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot to be excused attendance.
You know what l'm like with weddings.
lt was bad enough at your nephew's last year when that organ exploded.
Don't remind me.
The father of the bride coming down with an unfortunate fungal infection.
Your mother turned round and thought it was the phantom of the opera.
Thought we'd never get her to stop screaming.
God, that bloody video camera man they hired.
Got us to pose under a tree and a bird's nest fell on my head.
Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth.
And egg yolk dribbling down my nose.
l told her a white lie.
l said you'd been rushed to hospital for an emergency prostate operation.
l had? You can still get her a present.
She said she could do with a decent pair of salad tongs.
l'll see what l can find.
Mmm (Sighs) l couldn't believe that pair across the road today.
Every time you go into their house, all they're doing is watching television.
l know.
lt's amazing to think that's all some people's lives revolve around.
A box in the corner of the room.
You take it away and you wonder what they find to do.
l know.
Ruth Rendell'll be on now.
Good God.
Really? You see, that's exactly what l mean.
Takes over your whole bloody life.
You sit there gazing at all that tripe night after night.
From now on, we can do without it.
What? You mean not get another one? Should have done it years ago.
lt'll give us a chance to get out and do something worthwhile of an evening.
Get out? Where? (Dance music, loud chatter) (Cash register beeps and clatters) l don't believe it.
- Sorry? - l thought it was when l was over there.
You don't remember me, do you? Billy Whitney.
lB, Stopsley Road Secondary.
Billy Whitney My God! Billy Whitney! This must be the coincidence of all time.
lt must be50 years.
God, how are you? l'd never have No, actually, you haven't changed.
You haven't changed a bit.
My God.
Stopsley Road, eh? There were some characters there in those days, eh? Oh, God, yes.
Who was that bloke that kept putting his face in the tomato soup? Bit of a mummy's boy.
Always wore a balaclava in the showers.
Er Er - Poxy Gateskill.
- Gaskill.
Gaskill, that's right.
Poxy Gaskill.
And that mad character with trousers like a circus clown.
Everyone used to stick handkerchiefs in their mouths to stop laughing.
What was his name? Deary me Er Meldrew.
Victor Meldrew.
Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh? There was a big drawing of him on the wall in the girls' toilets.
l can see it to this day.
Oh, yes.
You'd remember him, Steve, because a lot of people thought A lot of people thought the two of you looked a bit similar at one time of day.
Victor Meldrew, eh? Yeah, he was a right bastard now l come to think of it.
Yes, well, actually, Billy, l think Christ, yes, l remember now.
l gave him my hamster one year to look after while l was on holiday.
l came home and found that his cat had eaten it.
l mean, that was bad enough, except he tried to palm it off as a suicide.
He gave me some tale about it throwing itself off the sideboard into the path of a speeding marble.
Said his mother must have been crossbred with a lemming or something.
Yeah, l'd forgotten every word about it until now.
Yes, well, l'm sure it was an accident.
Hello, stranger.
We can't get away from each other.
Meg! ldidn't know this was your local.
No, it's one of Billy's.
l'm not sure if he's here yet.
Oh, yes.
There he is.
- You've been up to hospital, have you? - Sorry? Vodka and tonic, please.
How is he? Nasty things, prostates.
(Meg) My first husband had one.
Said it was like trying to empty a hot water bottle with someone standing on the nozzle.
Anyway, now you're here, you can come and say hello to my intended.
- Or are you meeting someone else? - No, no.
l just fancied a quick one.
You know.
- Hello, love.
- Oh, hello.
Sorry l'm late.
Buses again.
This is Margaret from the florist.
You remember.
l said her husband was rushed to hospital with leaky plumbing.
Nice to meet you, Margaret.
How's he doing? All right? ln absolute agony, l should think, isn't he? l would imagine so, yes.
Oh, l'm sorry.
This is an old mate of mine, Steve Posnett.
This is This is Meg, my bride-to-be on Saturday, and - Hello, Steve.
- This is Margaret from the same shop.
Pleased to meet you, Steve.
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
So you live near here, then, Margaret? Er Riverbank.
Oh, l know it.
Very handy for the rubbish tip.
And what about you, Steve? - Mmm? - Where do you live? Er Dunne Hill.
Up by the park.
That's quite near us.
ls it? l know this is going to sound silly and l should have said it before, but Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
What do you think of these? lbought them in that little shop.
You know, just inside the mall? Oh, Margaret They're lovely.
Very elegant.
- Not too expensive, l hope.
- l'll wrap them up.
Do it properly.
lsn't that sweet? l told her we could do with a pair.
Crackerjack, love.
Sorry, Steve.
You were saying Well, l know this is going to sound foolish, but Aaaahhh! lt's just Yes? Wouldanyone like another drink at all? (Margaret) Thanks a lot.
That's lovely.
(Meg) See you tomorrow.
8:30 sharp.
- Night.
Lovely to meet you.
- You too, Billy.
- Good night, Mr Posnett.
- Good night, er Actually, l've just thought.
Erm l can get out here and walk the rest of the way.
Are you mad? lt's miles.
lt'll bucket down any minute.
We go right past your road.
Yes.
Yurch Thanks.
- Good night, then.
- Bye.
(Thunder rumbles) l feel so sorry for that woman.
- Why's that, then? - Her husband's a mental case.
l haven't met him, but by all accounts, it's a blessing they're not coming to the wedding.
Which one is it, Steve? Erm - Just the next corner here.
- Righty-ho.
Right, well Thanks very much, then.
- Good night, Meg.
- Good night, Steve.
Good night.
(Groans) Oh, my God Aahh! What are you up to? l thought you'd gone in.
You don't think l could use your loo, do you? l should have gone in the pub.
l don't think l'm going to last otherwise, see.
Yes, well, l'd really rather not waken anyone up at this time of night.
You go on in.
You're getting soaked to the skin, man.
l'll be fine.
Yes.
Right.
(Toilet flushes) l've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere.
(Footsteps) (Victor sneezes) l don't know why you had to get up.
You'd feel better if you stayed in bed.
(Croaks) l feel worse when l stay in bed.
(Coughs) You're not going to have an argument with Chippie Joe now.
Four hours l waited in for him yesterday.
Why can't people come when they say they will? (Music blares) Listen.
l'm picking up Radio Five again.
l go to buy a new telephone and l come back with Jodrell Bank.
l won't kiss you because of the germs.
l'll see you later.
Bye.
Bye.
(Knock on door) Morning, Mr Meldrew.
You well? - (Hoarse) Where the hell have you been? - We did say Wednesday, didn't we? How much do you want off these exactly? (Croaks) Just enough so they open but not enough for a draught.
l said how much do you want off these, Mr Meldrew? Just shave them.
A quick shave.
Anything off the top? Yes.
l'll have a shampoo and set.
And some blond highlights at the handles.
Just get on with it.
- (Coughs) - (Joe sings) l suppose you know you've got a chicken's head in your geraniums.
And your postman's leg's got a piece of drainpipe in it.
Look, who's doing this bloody jigsaw, you or me? Only trying to be of assistance.
(Coughs) (Sneezes) Looks like you've got a bit of a cold coming on there, Mr Meldrew.
(Phone rings) (Music) Will you get off this bloody line? l've just about had enough of this.
- Hello.
Operator.
Can l help you? - Hello? (Hoarse) You call this a bloody telephone service? (Engaged tone) l'll try them again later.
(Coughs) For God's sake.
He's supposed to have done this door.
(Crockery smashes) Oh.
l was gonna say be careful with this door, Mr Meldrew.
l haven't screwed it back in yet.
You won't see it from there.
- What? - Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.
l was just wondering what episode it was.
Still, l've seen them all a dozen times anyway.
Oh, for God's sake! Will you sit down and stop fidgeting about like you've got St Vitus' Dance? - What's the matter with you? - Me? - l knew this would happen.
- What? Getting all tetchy because you don't have a TV to watch.
Tel Me lt's you.
You don't know where you are.
Who doesn't? l'd get more peace with a family of orang-utans.
l don't miss it.
You needn't think that.
l don't miss it at all.
l'm only too glad of a chance to do other things.
(Doorbell) - Oh.
lt's them back.
- Who? The two detectives.
They'll probably tell us about our furniture.
(Murmuring) (Victor) Ah.
Yes.
Right.
- l'm just off to the police station.
- What for? What's happened? Er l've been arrested.
Apparently.
l won't be a tick.
Evening, Mrs Meldrew.
l'm afraid we've got to take your husband away to help with our enquiries.
- As they say in the police force.
- What's he supposed to have done? Earlier today, a phone call of an unusually indecent nature traced back to this number was made to a young lady working at British Telecom.
The usual low husky voice whispering a stream of obscenities.
Obscenities? The line was not a good one but she distinctly remembers the caller's use of the graphic phrases, ''Stark bollock naked'' and ''Dripping all down my legs''.
Why your husband would want to spread dripping all down his legs is of course something it's probably best to draw a veil over for the time being.
Suffice it to say that by snapping into action at once, we were able to link this incident with another one being investigated by our colleagues at Morten Road ClD.
Relating to a midnight prowler who was frightened off last night whilst breaking into the house of a young divorced mother of three in the Dunne Hill area.
The lady gave us quite a nifty description of the offender seen through her back window and claims the resulting photofit to be an extremely accurate likeness.
And of course once we were able to match up the prints on her doorknob with those taken from your husband for elimination purposes the other day, the various pieces of the whole grisly jigsaw slotted neatly into place.
- ls that a piece of drainpipe in his leg? - l believe it is.
Right.
All ready to go.
After you, Constable.
Oh, yes.
Right.
l think he misses his police programmes.
Right.
That's about it, then, Mrs Meldrew.
delivered to you first thing Monday.
- Not until then? - ls that all right for you? All right? l have just spent the most unutterably miserable week of my entire life coping with a husband deprived of his television set.
lf l have to prolong that agony for another hour, let alone another weekend, l may just do something very regrettable with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs.
Erm l'll just have a word with dispatch for you.
l won't be a second.
(Screaming and laughter on TVs) On lTV this Saturday at 8, Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazy catalogue of riotous video clips sent in by you the viewers in You've Been Framed! The ''yolk's'' on you the public once again here at 8 o'clock this Saturday night on lTV.
You're in luck.
We can have your new TV set with you Saturday afternoon at 3.
(# Mission lmpossible theme plays on TVs) No, that's all right.
Monday morning will be fine.
# They say l might as well face the truth # That l am just too long in the tooth # l've started to deteriorate # And now l've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true # l have to pop my teeth in to chew # And my old knees have started to knock # l've just got too many miles on the clock # So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set-in-my-ways # lt's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
Look at him.
He's taking it for a bloody sightseeing tour of Milan.
Get rid of it! (Doorbell rings) - Who's that, for goodness' sake? - Oh, give me a break.
Why don't you just gift-wrap the bloody ball and tie a ribbon on it for him? No, no.
Come in.
Jack, it's Mr Meldrew from over the road.
They had a robbery.
lt's just there, love.
Help yourself.
lsn't that terrible? - Oh, dear.
When was this, this morning? - Just now.
We'd been shopping.
We were only gone an hour.
We came back and the whole Hello.
Could l have the police, please? You see? l told you they were burglars.
That's 50p you owe me.
You've got to be joking.
l don't know why this ref isn't wearing an ltalian shirt.
- What do you mean? - Sorry? What do you mean, that's 50p she owes you? You told her they were burglars? Erm Well, there were these four men earlier on.
- Dressed a bit like the SAS.
- Doing what? Ermthey were coming out of your front door carrying a three-piece suite.
One winked and gave me a thumbs-up sign.
l assumed they were removal men.
Winked and gave you a thumbs-up sign? Removal men, be buggered.
l said to her, ''l bet they're stealing his furniture.
'' ''You've been watching too many episodes of Crimewatch'' was all l got.
Oh! Oh This could be dangerous.
Whoa! Well saved! Yes! You watched them take it out and all you did was say, ''l bet they're burglars''? They were ransacking my bloody house.
They were nice as ninepence to us.
Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet.
You can't go by appearances.
That's how they get away with What? What do you mean, ''Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet''? - They weren't in here, were they? - They said it was thirsty work.
The one with the tattoo on his nose said he could murder a mug of Quick Brew.
Very thirsty work? l should think it bloody was.
There they were stripping my house to bits in broad daylight as merry as you please, and you invite them in for tea? What is this, Buster Edwards's private catering company? And two boxes of Mr Kipling's almond slices they wolfed back.
Talk about gannets.
Wonder they didn't eat the plates.
l'm beginning to regret giving them that jumpstart for their van now.
Whoa! Just shaved the woodwork.
Bad luck, my son.
Jumpstart their You're not serious? The van wouldn't start.
We were only trying to be good Samaritans.
Good Samaritans? Oh, hello? Yes.
l'd like to report a burglary, please.
And two extremely brutal murders.
(Margaret) l want to disinfect the place from top to bottom.
Just have to leave it to those two detectives.
Hope they can catch them.
Detectives? l thought it was two schoolboys asking for their ball back.
One of them walked like a duck.
l suppose you noticed that.
They were a bit young, but they were very methodical.
Walking like a duck doesn't mean he can't do his job.
Like being interviewed by Titch and Quackers.
Look at this.
You can't tell me this is methodical.
Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints? l thought it had mildew.
Look at it.
ln the bathroom, l saw them spraying their stuff on the lavatory seat.
What's the idea? Scotland Yard has everyone's buttocks on file, have they? Now you know what it's like with you and your talcum powder.
- What do you mean? - Lift the lid on that seat, you'd think someone had spilt a sherbet dab.
Anyway, can we just drop the whole thing now, please? l've just about had enough for one day.
OhGod! lt's a wonder they managed to get through these doors to steal anything.
Three weeks this carpet's been down.
Will we ever get them shaved or not? Sorry? They're driving me up the bloody wall, on top of everything else.
We agreed we'd wait for Chippie Joe to come back from holiday.
There's no point getting charged an arm and a leg.
They've left behind that bottle of dodgy Greek brandy.
You want some? l suppose, yes.
We've still got all the joys of reporting it to the insurance company.
That'll be about as much fun as a kidney infection.
Thanks.
(Both sigh) Yes, l'm enjoying this glass of glue.
Oh What a day.
Oh.
By the way, l've managed to get us out of Meg's wedding on Saturday.
So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot to be excused attendance.
You know what l'm like with weddings.
lt was bad enough at your nephew's last year when that organ exploded.
Don't remind me.
The father of the bride coming down with an unfortunate fungal infection.
Your mother turned round and thought it was the phantom of the opera.
Thought we'd never get her to stop screaming.
God, that bloody video camera man they hired.
Got us to pose under a tree and a bird's nest fell on my head.
Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth.
And egg yolk dribbling down my nose.
l told her a white lie.
l said you'd been rushed to hospital for an emergency prostate operation.
l had? You can still get her a present.
She said she could do with a decent pair of salad tongs.
l'll see what l can find.
Mmm (Sighs) l couldn't believe that pair across the road today.
Every time you go into their house, all they're doing is watching television.
l know.
lt's amazing to think that's all some people's lives revolve around.
A box in the corner of the room.
You take it away and you wonder what they find to do.
l know.
Ruth Rendell'll be on now.
Good God.
Really? You see, that's exactly what l mean.
Takes over your whole bloody life.
You sit there gazing at all that tripe night after night.
From now on, we can do without it.
What? You mean not get another one? Should have done it years ago.
lt'll give us a chance to get out and do something worthwhile of an evening.
Get out? Where? (Dance music, loud chatter) (Cash register beeps and clatters) l don't believe it.
- Sorry? - l thought it was when l was over there.
You don't remember me, do you? Billy Whitney.
lB, Stopsley Road Secondary.
Billy Whitney My God! Billy Whitney! This must be the coincidence of all time.
lt must be50 years.
God, how are you? l'd never have No, actually, you haven't changed.
You haven't changed a bit.
My God.
Stopsley Road, eh? There were some characters there in those days, eh? Oh, God, yes.
Who was that bloke that kept putting his face in the tomato soup? Bit of a mummy's boy.
Always wore a balaclava in the showers.
Er Er - Poxy Gateskill.
- Gaskill.
Gaskill, that's right.
Poxy Gaskill.
And that mad character with trousers like a circus clown.
Everyone used to stick handkerchiefs in their mouths to stop laughing.
What was his name? Deary me Er Meldrew.
Victor Meldrew.
Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh? There was a big drawing of him on the wall in the girls' toilets.
l can see it to this day.
Oh, yes.
You'd remember him, Steve, because a lot of people thought A lot of people thought the two of you looked a bit similar at one time of day.
Victor Meldrew, eh? Yeah, he was a right bastard now l come to think of it.
Yes, well, actually, Billy, l think Christ, yes, l remember now.
l gave him my hamster one year to look after while l was on holiday.
l came home and found that his cat had eaten it.
l mean, that was bad enough, except he tried to palm it off as a suicide.
He gave me some tale about it throwing itself off the sideboard into the path of a speeding marble.
Said his mother must have been crossbred with a lemming or something.
Yeah, l'd forgotten every word about it until now.
Yes, well, l'm sure it was an accident.
Hello, stranger.
We can't get away from each other.
Meg! ldidn't know this was your local.
No, it's one of Billy's.
l'm not sure if he's here yet.
Oh, yes.
There he is.
- You've been up to hospital, have you? - Sorry? Vodka and tonic, please.
How is he? Nasty things, prostates.
(Meg) My first husband had one.
Said it was like trying to empty a hot water bottle with someone standing on the nozzle.
Anyway, now you're here, you can come and say hello to my intended.
- Or are you meeting someone else? - No, no.
l just fancied a quick one.
You know.
- Hello, love.
- Oh, hello.
Sorry l'm late.
Buses again.
This is Margaret from the florist.
You remember.
l said her husband was rushed to hospital with leaky plumbing.
Nice to meet you, Margaret.
How's he doing? All right? ln absolute agony, l should think, isn't he? l would imagine so, yes.
Oh, l'm sorry.
This is an old mate of mine, Steve Posnett.
This is This is Meg, my bride-to-be on Saturday, and - Hello, Steve.
- This is Margaret from the same shop.
Pleased to meet you, Steve.
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
So you live near here, then, Margaret? Er Riverbank.
Oh, l know it.
Very handy for the rubbish tip.
And what about you, Steve? - Mmm? - Where do you live? Er Dunne Hill.
Up by the park.
That's quite near us.
ls it? l know this is going to sound silly and l should have said it before, but Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
What do you think of these? lbought them in that little shop.
You know, just inside the mall? Oh, Margaret They're lovely.
Very elegant.
- Not too expensive, l hope.
- l'll wrap them up.
Do it properly.
lsn't that sweet? l told her we could do with a pair.
Crackerjack, love.
Sorry, Steve.
You were saying Well, l know this is going to sound foolish, but Aaaahhh! lt's just Yes? Wouldanyone like another drink at all? (Margaret) Thanks a lot.
That's lovely.
(Meg) See you tomorrow.
8:30 sharp.
- Night.
Lovely to meet you.
- You too, Billy.
- Good night, Mr Posnett.
- Good night, er Actually, l've just thought.
Erm l can get out here and walk the rest of the way.
Are you mad? lt's miles.
lt'll bucket down any minute.
We go right past your road.
Yes.
Yurch Thanks.
- Good night, then.
- Bye.
(Thunder rumbles) l feel so sorry for that woman.
- Why's that, then? - Her husband's a mental case.
l haven't met him, but by all accounts, it's a blessing they're not coming to the wedding.
Which one is it, Steve? Erm - Just the next corner here.
- Righty-ho.
Right, well Thanks very much, then.
- Good night, Meg.
- Good night, Steve.
Good night.
(Groans) Oh, my God Aahh! What are you up to? l thought you'd gone in.
You don't think l could use your loo, do you? l should have gone in the pub.
l don't think l'm going to last otherwise, see.
Yes, well, l'd really rather not waken anyone up at this time of night.
You go on in.
You're getting soaked to the skin, man.
l'll be fine.
Yes.
Right.
(Toilet flushes) l've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere.
(Footsteps) (Victor sneezes) l don't know why you had to get up.
You'd feel better if you stayed in bed.
(Croaks) l feel worse when l stay in bed.
(Coughs) You're not going to have an argument with Chippie Joe now.
Four hours l waited in for him yesterday.
Why can't people come when they say they will? (Music blares) Listen.
l'm picking up Radio Five again.
l go to buy a new telephone and l come back with Jodrell Bank.
l won't kiss you because of the germs.
l'll see you later.
Bye.
Bye.
(Knock on door) Morning, Mr Meldrew.
You well? - (Hoarse) Where the hell have you been? - We did say Wednesday, didn't we? How much do you want off these exactly? (Croaks) Just enough so they open but not enough for a draught.
l said how much do you want off these, Mr Meldrew? Just shave them.
A quick shave.
Anything off the top? Yes.
l'll have a shampoo and set.
And some blond highlights at the handles.
Just get on with it.
- (Coughs) - (Joe sings) l suppose you know you've got a chicken's head in your geraniums.
And your postman's leg's got a piece of drainpipe in it.
Look, who's doing this bloody jigsaw, you or me? Only trying to be of assistance.
(Coughs) (Sneezes) Looks like you've got a bit of a cold coming on there, Mr Meldrew.
(Phone rings) (Music) Will you get off this bloody line? l've just about had enough of this.
- Hello.
Operator.
Can l help you? - Hello? (Hoarse) You call this a bloody telephone service? (Engaged tone) l'll try them again later.
(Coughs) For God's sake.
He's supposed to have done this door.
(Crockery smashes) Oh.
l was gonna say be careful with this door, Mr Meldrew.
l haven't screwed it back in yet.
You won't see it from there.
- What? - Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.
l was just wondering what episode it was.
Still, l've seen them all a dozen times anyway.
Oh, for God's sake! Will you sit down and stop fidgeting about like you've got St Vitus' Dance? - What's the matter with you? - Me? - l knew this would happen.
- What? Getting all tetchy because you don't have a TV to watch.
Tel Me lt's you.
You don't know where you are.
Who doesn't? l'd get more peace with a family of orang-utans.
l don't miss it.
You needn't think that.
l don't miss it at all.
l'm only too glad of a chance to do other things.
(Doorbell) - Oh.
lt's them back.
- Who? The two detectives.
They'll probably tell us about our furniture.
(Murmuring) (Victor) Ah.
Yes.
Right.
- l'm just off to the police station.
- What for? What's happened? Er l've been arrested.
Apparently.
l won't be a tick.
Evening, Mrs Meldrew.
l'm afraid we've got to take your husband away to help with our enquiries.
- As they say in the police force.
- What's he supposed to have done? Earlier today, a phone call of an unusually indecent nature traced back to this number was made to a young lady working at British Telecom.
The usual low husky voice whispering a stream of obscenities.
Obscenities? The line was not a good one but she distinctly remembers the caller's use of the graphic phrases, ''Stark bollock naked'' and ''Dripping all down my legs''.
Why your husband would want to spread dripping all down his legs is of course something it's probably best to draw a veil over for the time being.
Suffice it to say that by snapping into action at once, we were able to link this incident with another one being investigated by our colleagues at Morten Road ClD.
Relating to a midnight prowler who was frightened off last night whilst breaking into the house of a young divorced mother of three in the Dunne Hill area.
The lady gave us quite a nifty description of the offender seen through her back window and claims the resulting photofit to be an extremely accurate likeness.
And of course once we were able to match up the prints on her doorknob with those taken from your husband for elimination purposes the other day, the various pieces of the whole grisly jigsaw slotted neatly into place.
- ls that a piece of drainpipe in his leg? - l believe it is.
Right.
All ready to go.
After you, Constable.
Oh, yes.
Right.
l think he misses his police programmes.
Right.
That's about it, then, Mrs Meldrew.
delivered to you first thing Monday.
- Not until then? - ls that all right for you? All right? l have just spent the most unutterably miserable week of my entire life coping with a husband deprived of his television set.
lf l have to prolong that agony for another hour, let alone another weekend, l may just do something very regrettable with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs.
Erm l'll just have a word with dispatch for you.
l won't be a second.
(Screaming and laughter on TVs) On lTV this Saturday at 8, Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazy catalogue of riotous video clips sent in by you the viewers in You've Been Framed! The ''yolk's'' on you the public once again here at 8 o'clock this Saturday night on lTV.
You're in luck.
We can have your new TV set with you Saturday afternoon at 3.
(# Mission lmpossible theme plays on TVs) No, that's all right.
Monday morning will be fine.
# They say l might as well face the truth # That l am just too long in the tooth # l've started to deteriorate # And now l've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true # l have to pop my teeth in to chew # And my old knees have started to knock # l've just got too many miles on the clock # So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set-in-my-ways # lt's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #