Our Cartoon President (2017) s03e01 Episode Script
Impeachment
1 [ANNOUNCER.]
This is an NBC News special report.
I'm Lester Holt, and your aunt is now Googling "Lester Holt shirtless".
This week saw the historic start of President Trump's impeachment trial, the only trial where the defendant and most of the jury are best friends.
Here are the highlights.
Everyone remember where you're sitting.
Same seats in two years when we have to do this again.
No phones, no talking, only drink water and milk.
I didn't know there'd be milk here.
Ah, it's been 40 years.
What's one glass of milk? And if the President is innocent, it follows his legal team, is innocent, too.
Too true.
And I might I add that you all got nothing on this president.
Me? I got a lot.
I got so much my computer won't shut up about how it's out of memory.
I just can't wait to tell Iowa that their favorite Harvard professor got endorsed by the New York Times.
Oh, I got that endorsement too.
And if you tell one farmer, I will fucking kill you! Should we be worried that Joe Biden has got Iowa all to himself? Hey! Is Iowa the one where all the serial killers come from? Ah, we'll be fine.
[HILLARY CLINTON.]
Hi, Bernie.
I just drove four hours from Chappaqua to tell you to eat shit.
[BERNIE SANDERS.]
You got to talk to someone! - It's not healthy.
- That's not me.
A lot of people look like me.
I have a generic look.
Everyone's always coming up to me asking, "are you Rick?" I don't know Rick.
This vote is a lot pressure.
That might take off the edge.
Mmm.
That is good milk.
Ooh, I remember this feeling.
This is going great.
The team that best follows the rules always wins.
I'm done.
Nah, I want some more.
Welcome to the impeachment club, little buddy.
Isn't it crazy they always impeach you for the least bad thing you did? They just can't believe I have this black mark on my sterling record of making every day feel like September 12th.
The presidents in the gallery, please lower their voices.
[BILL CLINTON.]
Sorry! I got this thing where I can't hear dorks! - I'm not a dork.
- [BILL CLINTON.]
Says every dork! - [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Ha! - Don't laugh.
I'm trying to fix this thing for you.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I know.
I know.
Why do we even need to be here? This thing's not even over yet, and look what McConnell's wearing! I'm the milk man.
Mitt is the milk man.
The facts are uncontested, and, yet, still I feel like I'm losing.
[SUSAN COLLINS.]
Oh, no.
Mouse in the chamber.
Everybody forget this vote and run.
Senator Collins, just go be a lobbyist.
Hey, everyone.
It's John Bolton.
The guy who knows everything.
I'll start talking, and you tell me when you've got enough to convict.
Okay, so Trump's on the phone with Ukraine.
- John, what are you doing?! - It's called selling books.
You want in? Eh, I wouldn't mind selling out my boss for a few bucks.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Rudy, what the hell?! What? I can't have a creative outlet? There's something I want to say about Barack Hussein Obama.
- [SENATORS MURMURING.]
- [MITT ROMNEY.]
Not that.
Enough.
Everyone please remember this is the United States Senate.
We must not degrade the sacred institution once home to Strom Thurmond.
Let us comport ourselves with dignity, prudence.
And, Senator Collins, what are you doing? Oops.
I spilled my gasoline.
Better wipe it up with some Strike Anywhere matches.
You work and you work, and this happens, and it's all worth it.
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
"Our Cartoon President".
- Kids, we own this town.
- The economy is assing on all cylinders.
I'm currently DMing with several prominent dictators.
And I finally finished peeling that orange I found last week.
Sure, we've had scandals, but they were far too complex for the American people to understand.
Yeah.
Can you imagine if we had a scandal you could describe in one sentence? [REPORTER.]
Did you extort Ukraine into investigating your political opponent? Your question is unclear.
You should probably split it up into two or more complex sentences.
- [REPORTER #1.]
Mr.
President! - [REPORTER #2.]
Mr.
President! The House is impeaching me without first asking me if it's okay?! We're so sorry.
I tried to explain that bipartisanship was more important than the rule of law, but the House wouldn't listen.
What about the infrastructure bill we were definitely going to do? You don't think we thought about the bill? Of course we thought about the bill! Adam Schiff is running this investigation like he has shark blood in his veins.
I believe in two things: the rule of law and the greatest threat to our nation is charisma.
Sounds like the Senate is gonna have a trial.
- Uh-oh! - Impossible.
It was a perfect, beautiful call with Ukraine that had legs for days! I'd be dating that call if I wasn't already happily married to what's-her-name.
[CORK POPS.]
This is going to be a great year.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Ever since the impeachment inquiry began, I've been a prisoner.
They tell me when to wake up, when to call into Fox and Friends, when to devour my dry-aged Kobe slop.
[DON JR.
.]
The Democrats are controlling the narrative.
You need to fight back and tell your story.
We can slam this thing on the I.
T.
guy's head until he gives us a computer.
No one cares about my story, Don.
I'm a forgotten man.
Back to our ongoing coverage of Donald Trump's posture.
Let's go to our posture panel.
Just because you've given up on you doesn't mean I'm also gonna give up on yourself, as well, too.
This isn't a fairy tale, Don.
For once, the handsome prince with a well-defined bulge doesn't live happily ever after.
Alright, I'm gonna go slam this on the I.
T.
guy's head anyway.
[DON JR.
.]
You, with the USB drive, get over here! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WARREN.]
President Trump is a lawless criminal! I promise I'll run the government the exact opposite: like a rule-obsessed German nanny.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- And how am I going to do it? With plans.
Long, dense, sumptuously wordy plans that no American can make sense of.
I'm the boss, applesauce! [CROWD MEMBER.]
This is doing it for us somehow! God, I'm so jazzed! They were eating nutritious snacks out of the palm of my thoroughly washed hand! You do know that you're running for President of America, not Captain of debate or chess for whatever smart you-knows.
I need to lie down.
Your message is too complicated.
I've made mine very simple: I was born in 1982, I'm gay, and I helped destabilize Afghanistan.
Well, I think voters want more than that.
Hey, folks, I'm Joe Biden.
- Do you want more than that? - [ALL.]
No! [TRUMP.]
So after the Senate convicts me, I might just wander the Earth like a pariah, moving from barn to barn until some kid spots me and the town chases me out.
[ALL.]
No! Sir, if you go down, then we all go down, and I don't want to share a prison cell with Rudy Giuliani.
I don't blame ya.
If you think I'm bad to my wives, you should see what I do to a toilet.
I've been blacklisted by every plumber in New York.
I can only get rookies from Connecticut with something to prove.
Way to make this about you guys.
Anything else I can do besides keep you out of prison? Get you some ice? Sir? Yes, Secretary of Cheese? I don't want to go prison.
I'm sporty and I'll miss the great outdoors.
Aww, that's too bad because you got "Fall Guy" written all over you.
I wanted to be the fall guy! My incriminating fluids are in their usual spot in the fridge.
Come on, Mr.
President.
Fight these airtight charges, pleeeeeeasssee.
[ALL.]
Pleeeeeeeease! Alright, I'll think about it.
If only not to think about Pompeo in hiking shorts.
It's a glorious sight.
[BILL CLINTON CRYING.]
Bill, Epstein's been gone for five months.
Get ahold of yourself.
You've traded your jet for wings, brother.
[CRYING.]
But her e-mails? Hillary, me again.
Do you think I've been sounding too smart? I'm afraid so.
If there's one lesson we learned in 2016, it's that I'm perfect and voters are complete morons.
Maybe they just need someone who'll speak to them like the detail-oriented, intellectually rigorous people that they are.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, and Bill is coping well.
If that's Jeffy, tell him I never stopped believing! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CONWAY.]
Think about it, Mr.
President.
If you cleared your name, you'd have the freedom to go anywhere, to do anything.
I've been here so long, I've forgotten how to imagine a better life.
You know, one where Eric's not around.
Can I have money for a jawbreaker? Just try, Mr.
President.
If I could do anything? If he could do annyyyyyything [DOBBS.]
Welcome back to Lou Dobbs Tonight.
We're talking government overreach with Newt Gingrich.
Wow, Newt did Dobbs and Ingraham? Must be between bookers or something.
Kellyanne, if I try to beat this impeachment, will you stick with me to the bitter end, no matter the cost? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kellyanne? Hello? Are you okay? - Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - Kellyanne? Okay, alright, well, I'm just gonna go.
Uhhhhhhhhh - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
- [WARREN.]
Hillary's wrong.
I know Iowa voters interrogate the facts and their unconscious biases before voting on their 20-minute lunch break.
May I have everyone's attention?! You know what chaps my hide? The Dodd-Frank Act provided an oversight mandate for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau Shut up, lady! We're trying not to think or feel! It's just we can end corruption in Washington if we just - [ALL.]
Booooo! - Quit tryna make us think and feel! I told her to shut up.
Hillary, you were right.
How do I connect with what does the media call them? "Everyday" Americans? I know just the vacuous dolts who can try to help.
Just promise me that, if you win, you'll name me President.
Bar's driving through a tunnel.
- Gotta go.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Liz says hi.
Oh, Jeffy, if you're here, give me and Alan Dershowitz a sign.
I-I-I-I-I think I felt a breeze.
Jeffrey, can you come back as a ghost and tell everyone I didn't take my underpants off? [PENCE.]
Mr.
President, a word? What is it, Mike? See another cloud that looks like a nipple - and need some time off? - Yes, but also, Kellyanne said you're considering trying to beat this impeachment thing.
I am.
I'm just not sure I have what it takes to pull this off.
Hey, you can do this, Mr.
President.
You have to.
Thanks, Mike.
You can go now.
No, I don't think you understand.
You have to do this because I cannot become President.
What? Why? Because I would be the worst president in the history of ever anywhere.
First of all, not even a decade ago, I was a radio host, and a bad one.
Also, I'm dumb.
Up until yesterday, I had no idea omelets were made of eggs.
I thought it was yellow pancakes.
- Mike, listen - No! - You listen to me, butthole.
- Whoa! I don't know how anything works.
I don't know where anything is.
I just say it's God because I am clueless! Mike, calm down.
Hey! You have to! You have to do this! Okay, okay, I'll clear my name! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You're doing the right thing.
I know.
Just leave.
You're scaring the shit out of me.
Okay.
Door open or closed? - Whatever you want.
- Don't make me think! I'm bad at it.
Were you not listening?! Closed.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What the fuck? [CONWAY.]
Since the whole war with Iran thing didn't really pop off, the only way to beat this impeachment thing is in the press.
We've met every communications expert on the Eastern seaboard.
And they're either too fat, too ugly, or too unwilling to die for me.
- What do we do? - There's one more.
[CONWAY.]
But I have to warn you, he's ugly.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Sean, are you ready? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
You can do this.
I'm sick of the justice system letting wrongly accused presidents like you fall through the cracks.
I want to clear your name.
Do you have a communications degree? - Nope.
- Did you graduate high school? - Nope.
- Play any team sports? - Nope.
- Can you drive a car? - Nope.
- Can you look at a car? - Nope.
- Would you be comfortable taking a breathalyzer right now? - Nope.
- Do you have a fixed address? - Nope.
- Ever nodded at someone without your hat falling off? - Nope.
- Can you hold your head underwater for two seconds without drowning? - Nope.
Nope.
- Can you So as far as I can tell, God took every chunk of useless flesh and feces and packed it into your one squat frame.
What makes you qualified to clear my name? Because I believe you.
Let's get to work.
Is there anyone else? No? Okay, let's get to work.
Your impeachment trial is in one week.
Facts won't matter.
What matters is that we tell a beautiful story about a man wrongly accused.
We need to get you out there in every medium TV.
There must be more.
- Books? - Books, sure! Start typing.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Don Junior has a typewriter covered in human blood and hair, but I can hose it down.
[WARREN.]
Hillary Clinton said if I could get you three to understand me, then I could get through to anyone.
Sorry the directions didn't specify how to operate a door.
I can't get the taste of the knob out of my mouth.
Thank goodness Chris Cuomo beat down the door.
My governor dad taught me that before setting me up real nice at CNN - where I read words.
- I'm Joe Kennedy.
My Dad was either Ted, Bobby, or John F.
Kennedy, maybe.
Let's start with my stump speech.
Right now, I begin by touting my key policies: modernizing regulations on influence peddling Here's an idea: how about every speech - comes with a small toy? - Like a cereal box! Let's get after it.
If I dump a bunch of chicken into a cereal box, is that now a cereal? Uh-oh, tough question made my brain spring a leak! What's the rhyme again? Out the nose, green is fine, but when it's red, me will soon die.
[CUOMO.]
Hey, can I put that red stuff on my face so I look like Braveheart? [HANNITY.]
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
His name is Donald Trump and, in 2019, he was earning a steady living as the President of the United States, until he found himself on the wrong side of the law.
Tonight, for the first time, we hear his side of the story.
I'm just trying to survive every day.
When was the last time you saw your family? Unfortunately, earlier today.
[CRYING.]
Oh, God.
[HANNITY.]
His days are spent in near total isolation, [HANNITY.]
disconnected from reality.
I sleep there.
I go to the bathroom over there.
Do you get out much? Once a day, I'll be allowed out for a rally with thousands of screaming racists.
[HANNITY.]
This man's freedom [HANNITY.]
is being held hostage by Adam Schiff, [HANNITY.]
a California Congressman [HANNITY.]
who wields his own brand of ruthless justice.
I will not rest until this man is brought to justice.
[COUGHS.]
Excuse me.
What do you say to other presidents facing impeachment? They can impeach your body, but they can never impeach your mind.
Donald Trump tells his side of the story in My Struggle: A Story of Hope, available tomorrow anywhere books are sold except for Germany.
So is it cereal? Nah, it's milky chicken.
Bummer! I'm one of the Kennedys.
[SIGHS.]
Elizabeth, what's wrong? I just don't know how to appeal to people like you.
What do you mean people like us? Guys who sleep with a couple hundred little tiny curlers in their hair? Is there any plan you can get behind? Ugh, plan this, plan that.
Plan that, plan this.
Seriously, cut me off.
I can't stop.
- Plan this, plan that.
- I wish I had plans, but my campaign manager just keeps telling me to say my last name and shut my handsome face.
I didn't vote for Trump for his plans.
He said America was bad and he'd make it great.
That was a story I wanted to be a part of.
So you don't think about which candidate has the policies that most align with your values? You just vote for who tells the best story? - Uh-huh.
- The best stories have trucks that talk.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
- [LINE RINGING.]
- [CLERK.]
Bookstore.
Yeah? Hi, do you carry My Struggle: A Story of Hope by Donald Trump? [CLERK.]
You'll have to speak up! It's bedlam here! Do you have My Struggle: A Story of Hope? - [CLERK.]
Naw, man.
Naw.
- Oh, okay.
You don't carry it? [CLERK.]
Naw, man, it's sold out.
[CLERK.]
I gotta go.
You take care, okay? [CLERK.]
Keep readin', brother.
A phone call rang out And the President answered It was Zelensky talking Javelins And someone wrote down a transcript Of the President asking for an illegal favor And now Nancy Pelosi's calling that impeachable behavior [ALL.]
Whoa, Why does Trump have to go? Just because he committed the crimes And admitted the crimes - Doesn't mean he should go - Doesn't mean he should go [VIOLIN PLAYS OUT OF TUNE.]
Hold on, Brian.
That's a rental, take it easy.
[VIOLIN CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Brian, I think you're going a little too hard on that thing.
Why does Trump have to go? That was a big deposit, Brian.
Please take it easy.
Why does Trump have to go? Lighter, Brian, lighter.
Little more of a touch.
[VIOLIN CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Fine, this is on you.
I'm gonna blame you, Brian.
[CROWD CHANTING "FREE TRUMP!".]
Facts don't stand a chance against us.
I want you to have this.
"Dear Sean, Put this book on your hat so that, when you nod, your hat doesn't fall off.
Sincerely, the 45th President of the United States".
Wow, you saved me a lot of money on a chin strap.
[CUOMO.]
Doctor said I'm a goner if I swallow one more gold chain, but I think he's just trying to scare me.
Oh, Lizzy's on! When I was a little girl, America was good, but then the bad man came along and made it bad, and I want to make it good again with the help of my talking truck.
- His name is Beep Beep - [HORN HONKS.]
and, like me, he loves America.
- I sure do! - Thanks, Beep Beep.
[WARREN.]
Elect me, bad man goes bye-bye, and every American gets a small toy.
[WARREN.]
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and I approve good.
- Heck yeah.
- Elizabeth, wow! Beep Beep endorsed before the convention.
Unthinkable! [ALL CHANTING "FREE TRUMP!.]
If he could do anything [DOBBS.]
Thanks for joining us, Newt.
Now let's turn to Donald Trump's impeachment spat with the Democrats.
Donald, wake up.
[SCHUMER.]
Do you hear me, Donald? Donald! Wake up! Whoa! How the F did you get in here? We made an appointment and arrived at the designated time.
You sneaky rat bastards.
You've woven quite the fairy tale, but tomorrow is your impeachment trial, and it won't be about whose story is better.
It will be about the facts.
Evidence you pressured Ukraine to spy on Biden somehow includes blood and semen.
I thought I told Pompeo to scrub that country down.
We're so sorry, Donald.
And the biggest tragedy? The trial fell right in the middle of infrastructure week.
[WOMAN.]
We're on in 10.
Wow, I'm up among men pinned under dirt bikes and women who put little wooden signs that say "kitchen" in their kitchens.
I just have to hold my own against the chessmaster.
Okay, everyone, please don't leave your mess here.
This is where I do the show Oh, it's my script.
Sorry, everyone.
Senator Elizabeth Warren, thanks for joining us.
Thanks, Chuck.
And I'd just like to say: Warren good.
Wow, nice message discipline.
Turning to domestic issues, the Dodd-Frank Act provided an oversight mandate for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
Ooh, yummy topic.
Mama likey.
Please explain to me how you get a full-time chairperson confirmed in the Senate.
Uh, um, it's a complicated issue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not what you said before.
You're off message.
I got you in a gaffe.
Let's get the graphic up.
Hmm, maybe I should be the President and she should be the guy who got yelled at by one of his interns yesterday.
[NARRATOR.]
C-Span will no longer air [NARRATOR.]
the 92nd Street Y conversation [NARRATOR.]
between David Brooks, David Frum, David Axelrod, [NARRATOR.]
David Plotz, and David Plouffe, [NARRATOR.]
moderated by David Remnick.
Instead, we go live to the floor of the Senate for the impeachment trial of the President.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, if Mike Pence comes by, just project confidence.
He's been acting like a complete luna Hey, Mike! What a great day for justice! I'm so excited to see you prevail.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Yeah.
So you feel like it's gonna work out? Like, you're gonna be president for awhile? Uh, yeah.
- Sean? - Yeah, for sure.
So I don't need to study up in the next few hours, like learn who won World War II? Figure out how to open a desk drawer? I think you're good.
Oh, hey, I think Karen was looking for you.
Yeah, you should go find her.
Cool, cool, cool.
Door open or closed? - There's no door, Mike.
- Cool.
See you guys later.
Karen! Hey, Lizzy Whatever, we saw "Meet the Press".
You were good.
Warren good.
Warren didn't feel good.
Warren felt like an idiot.
When someone calls me an idiot, I just go to sleep.
Problem solved.
How do I even show my face at the impeachment trial? I got embarrassed by Chuck Todd.
I know this isn't the best time, but can you give this to Beep Beep? [GAVEL BANGS.]
The sergeant-at-arms will make the proclamation.
Hear ye! Hear ye! All persons are commanded to keep silent on pain of imprison [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Ladies and gentlemen, [ANNOUNCER.]
welcome to the impeachment trial [ANNOUNCER.]
of the President of the United States.
[ANNOUNCER.]
And now here's your defendant: [ANNOUNCER.]
Donald J.
Trump! [MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Thank God that worked.
In rehearsal, the whale carcass stuffed with dumbbells ripped the harness ropes in half.
You know, you weren't required to attend.
Yeah, I don't know if you noticed, but we're doing things a little differently this term.
Speaking for the prosecution, Congressman Schiff? Oh, fuck.
Oh, Lord.
According to transcripts released by your own administration eight phone calls inappropriately moved to a highly classified server blood and semen which according to 95% of legal scholars, fits the very definition of treason.
So we're just going to overlook how fabulous the White House was decorated for Christmas? It's a witch hunt, got it.
I'm thinking after this, we do some potato skins, maybe Skee-Ball.
Donald, I haven't seen that much evidence since they raided Ailes's office.
Hey, so just to be safe, World War II was the one in Vietnam, right? [CARLSON.]
Today's impeachment proceedings were such a disaster for the President that even I can see where this is heading.
My loyalty is now for sale to the highest bidder.
Phone lines are open.
No opinion is too depraved.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
So for the resignation ceremony, I'm thinking sobbing masses here and here.
No, Mr.
President, don't do it.
That reminds me: let's have a guy wrapped in tin foil show up, say he's from the future, and say my resignation leads to the end of mankind.
Uh-huh.
And what are you thinking for the kids? They can just catch a cab home.
Mr.
President, you're not resigning.
You're going to be acquitted by the Senate tomorrow.
Hello, Democrats have what many describe as a "satanic orgy of evidence".
And the Republicans have a satanic orgy of votes, so we win.
So if I'm reading this correctly, you don't care what I did? I have not been following this case in the slightest.
I've just been calling Republicans in the middle of the night and breathing into the phone.
They get it.
Are you okay, Elizabeth? You haven't touched your chicken-y cereal.
I thought we agreed it was milky chicken.
- Some friend you are! - I'm sorry.
I just know now that Americans electing a smart, female president is a fairy tale.
Don't knock fairy tales.
Fairy tales give us hope.
And they teach us how poor people need magic and talking mice to succeed.
Or they're the basis for an entire political dynasty.
They do give us hope, don't they? People sort of need them.
Hey, can you guys give me a ride back to Washington? [MURMURING.]
We'll do it for one million dollars.
- And a toy! - No.
Fine, but a heads up: none of us drive good.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CRANE WHIRRING.]
I rented the crane for seven days but the suit for one.
Real hot dogs and buns situation here.
- [GAVEL BANGS.]
- The defense will now make their case.
Whoo! Go defense! That's who I'm secretly rooting for! Not a secret anymore now, is it? Who do you think you are, my dad? What do I, walk in on you all the time shaving your ass? And then you tell me to go get the vacuum? Is that what you think you are? Well, you aren't! Hey, has anyone seen my flask? It looks like an old bottle of sunscreen.
Actually it is an old bottle of sunscreen.
Lifetime appointment, folks.
Would the attorney for Mr.
Trump deliver their opening statement? Attorney General Barr is in Indiana digging up dirt on Pete Buttigieg Spoiler: he might be gay while Giuliani is testing pick up lines at the 9/11 Memorial.
So I'll be representing myself.
Folks, I've been so concerned with weaving a fairy tale about how I'm the least criminal president in history that I forgot the facts.
Specifically, Republicans have a Senate majority so I can get away with whatever I want.
- The end.
- That's my guy! [POMPEO.]
Greetings, people of 2020.
I'm from the future.
Do not remove Trump from office for mankind's Mike, I'm not resigning.
Someone should've told you.
- [TIRES SQUEAL, THUMP.]
- [SENATORS GASP.]
Aw, crap! Kennedy, your family's experts on this sort of thing.
Get to work.
I'm okay.
If anyone finds any bones, just slip them into the pocket of my hiking shorts.
Thank God.
Alright, everyone, shut up! This is Cuomo Prime Time, my first guest is Elizabeth Warren.
The fact of the matter is that the Senate Republicans have the majority.
And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that facts can be a real bummer.
If you want to win over the American people, you've got to give them hope.
You got to tell them a story they can believe in.
And, sure, maybe it's a fairy tale, but it gives us something to aspire to.
[APPLAUSE.]
And that's why I want to be the first Native American President in history.
Bill, I got a lane to run for president! Would you mind leaving the country for a year? No problem.
Dershowitz and I just got a hot tip on a man who looks like Jeffy down in Peru.
If anyone asks, we flew the whole way with our underpants on.
Bye.
Each Senator, when his or her name is called, will stand in his or her place and vote guilty or not guilty.
Guilty.
Native American?! Come on, Liz, we've been through this.
Despite every word out of my mouth before 2016, the President is an angel on Earth.
Not guilty.
Ted Cruuuuz! Allow me to consult the Lord.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
Not guilty! [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator Collins? [MUMBLING.]
- [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator? - [MUMBLING.]
[JUDGE ROBERTS.]
A little clearer.
[MUMBLING.]
- [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator.
- I'm a little girl.
I can't vote.
Tra-la-la-lee-loo! President Trump is a symptom of a larger problem with the system that I will now describe in detail.
[JUDGE ROBERTS.]
We don't have time for this.
We'll just mark down "guilty".
Yeah, okay, sure.
In the name of preserving the infrastructure bill, not guilty.
The President is a disgrace to the office, a blight on our nation's history, and an existential threat to democracy itself.
Not guilty.
According to the tally, on these articles of impeachment, the President is not guilty as charged.
- Way to go, dad! - Way to win! Oh, thank God.
I'm so happy! Hey, what'd I miss? Anyway, I want you guys to meet Brenda.
Come here, Brenda.
We just did it in the North Tower reflecting pool.
[HANNITY.]
We did it, Mr.
President.
Check it out.
My hat's staying on and I'm nodding my head! - [CROWD CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
- Did you hear that? They're celebrating my acquittal in the streets! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I don't get it.
The Democrats are happy? We did it! We kind of held the president accountable! [CROWD CHANTING "KINDA!".]
But most importantly, we showed that this story isn't over! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What is she talking about? Oh, yeah, the election.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
This is an NBC News special report.
I'm Lester Holt, and your aunt is now Googling "Lester Holt shirtless".
This week saw the historic start of President Trump's impeachment trial, the only trial where the defendant and most of the jury are best friends.
Here are the highlights.
Everyone remember where you're sitting.
Same seats in two years when we have to do this again.
No phones, no talking, only drink water and milk.
I didn't know there'd be milk here.
Ah, it's been 40 years.
What's one glass of milk? And if the President is innocent, it follows his legal team, is innocent, too.
Too true.
And I might I add that you all got nothing on this president.
Me? I got a lot.
I got so much my computer won't shut up about how it's out of memory.
I just can't wait to tell Iowa that their favorite Harvard professor got endorsed by the New York Times.
Oh, I got that endorsement too.
And if you tell one farmer, I will fucking kill you! Should we be worried that Joe Biden has got Iowa all to himself? Hey! Is Iowa the one where all the serial killers come from? Ah, we'll be fine.
[HILLARY CLINTON.]
Hi, Bernie.
I just drove four hours from Chappaqua to tell you to eat shit.
[BERNIE SANDERS.]
You got to talk to someone! - It's not healthy.
- That's not me.
A lot of people look like me.
I have a generic look.
Everyone's always coming up to me asking, "are you Rick?" I don't know Rick.
This vote is a lot pressure.
That might take off the edge.
Mmm.
That is good milk.
Ooh, I remember this feeling.
This is going great.
The team that best follows the rules always wins.
I'm done.
Nah, I want some more.
Welcome to the impeachment club, little buddy.
Isn't it crazy they always impeach you for the least bad thing you did? They just can't believe I have this black mark on my sterling record of making every day feel like September 12th.
The presidents in the gallery, please lower their voices.
[BILL CLINTON.]
Sorry! I got this thing where I can't hear dorks! - I'm not a dork.
- [BILL CLINTON.]
Says every dork! - [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Ha! - Don't laugh.
I'm trying to fix this thing for you.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I know.
I know.
Why do we even need to be here? This thing's not even over yet, and look what McConnell's wearing! I'm the milk man.
Mitt is the milk man.
The facts are uncontested, and, yet, still I feel like I'm losing.
[SUSAN COLLINS.]
Oh, no.
Mouse in the chamber.
Everybody forget this vote and run.
Senator Collins, just go be a lobbyist.
Hey, everyone.
It's John Bolton.
The guy who knows everything.
I'll start talking, and you tell me when you've got enough to convict.
Okay, so Trump's on the phone with Ukraine.
- John, what are you doing?! - It's called selling books.
You want in? Eh, I wouldn't mind selling out my boss for a few bucks.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Rudy, what the hell?! What? I can't have a creative outlet? There's something I want to say about Barack Hussein Obama.
- [SENATORS MURMURING.]
- [MITT ROMNEY.]
Not that.
Enough.
Everyone please remember this is the United States Senate.
We must not degrade the sacred institution once home to Strom Thurmond.
Let us comport ourselves with dignity, prudence.
And, Senator Collins, what are you doing? Oops.
I spilled my gasoline.
Better wipe it up with some Strike Anywhere matches.
You work and you work, and this happens, and it's all worth it.
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
"Our Cartoon President".
- Kids, we own this town.
- The economy is assing on all cylinders.
I'm currently DMing with several prominent dictators.
And I finally finished peeling that orange I found last week.
Sure, we've had scandals, but they were far too complex for the American people to understand.
Yeah.
Can you imagine if we had a scandal you could describe in one sentence? [REPORTER.]
Did you extort Ukraine into investigating your political opponent? Your question is unclear.
You should probably split it up into two or more complex sentences.
- [REPORTER #1.]
Mr.
President! - [REPORTER #2.]
Mr.
President! The House is impeaching me without first asking me if it's okay?! We're so sorry.
I tried to explain that bipartisanship was more important than the rule of law, but the House wouldn't listen.
What about the infrastructure bill we were definitely going to do? You don't think we thought about the bill? Of course we thought about the bill! Adam Schiff is running this investigation like he has shark blood in his veins.
I believe in two things: the rule of law and the greatest threat to our nation is charisma.
Sounds like the Senate is gonna have a trial.
- Uh-oh! - Impossible.
It was a perfect, beautiful call with Ukraine that had legs for days! I'd be dating that call if I wasn't already happily married to what's-her-name.
[CORK POPS.]
This is going to be a great year.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Ever since the impeachment inquiry began, I've been a prisoner.
They tell me when to wake up, when to call into Fox and Friends, when to devour my dry-aged Kobe slop.
[DON JR.
.]
The Democrats are controlling the narrative.
You need to fight back and tell your story.
We can slam this thing on the I.
T.
guy's head until he gives us a computer.
No one cares about my story, Don.
I'm a forgotten man.
Back to our ongoing coverage of Donald Trump's posture.
Let's go to our posture panel.
Just because you've given up on you doesn't mean I'm also gonna give up on yourself, as well, too.
This isn't a fairy tale, Don.
For once, the handsome prince with a well-defined bulge doesn't live happily ever after.
Alright, I'm gonna go slam this on the I.
T.
guy's head anyway.
[DON JR.
.]
You, with the USB drive, get over here! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[WARREN.]
President Trump is a lawless criminal! I promise I'll run the government the exact opposite: like a rule-obsessed German nanny.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- And how am I going to do it? With plans.
Long, dense, sumptuously wordy plans that no American can make sense of.
I'm the boss, applesauce! [CROWD MEMBER.]
This is doing it for us somehow! God, I'm so jazzed! They were eating nutritious snacks out of the palm of my thoroughly washed hand! You do know that you're running for President of America, not Captain of debate or chess for whatever smart you-knows.
I need to lie down.
Your message is too complicated.
I've made mine very simple: I was born in 1982, I'm gay, and I helped destabilize Afghanistan.
Well, I think voters want more than that.
Hey, folks, I'm Joe Biden.
- Do you want more than that? - [ALL.]
No! [TRUMP.]
So after the Senate convicts me, I might just wander the Earth like a pariah, moving from barn to barn until some kid spots me and the town chases me out.
[ALL.]
No! Sir, if you go down, then we all go down, and I don't want to share a prison cell with Rudy Giuliani.
I don't blame ya.
If you think I'm bad to my wives, you should see what I do to a toilet.
I've been blacklisted by every plumber in New York.
I can only get rookies from Connecticut with something to prove.
Way to make this about you guys.
Anything else I can do besides keep you out of prison? Get you some ice? Sir? Yes, Secretary of Cheese? I don't want to go prison.
I'm sporty and I'll miss the great outdoors.
Aww, that's too bad because you got "Fall Guy" written all over you.
I wanted to be the fall guy! My incriminating fluids are in their usual spot in the fridge.
Come on, Mr.
President.
Fight these airtight charges, pleeeeeeasssee.
[ALL.]
Pleeeeeeeease! Alright, I'll think about it.
If only not to think about Pompeo in hiking shorts.
It's a glorious sight.
[BILL CLINTON CRYING.]
Bill, Epstein's been gone for five months.
Get ahold of yourself.
You've traded your jet for wings, brother.
[CRYING.]
But her e-mails? Hillary, me again.
Do you think I've been sounding too smart? I'm afraid so.
If there's one lesson we learned in 2016, it's that I'm perfect and voters are complete morons.
Maybe they just need someone who'll speak to them like the detail-oriented, intellectually rigorous people that they are.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, and Bill is coping well.
If that's Jeffy, tell him I never stopped believing! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CONWAY.]
Think about it, Mr.
President.
If you cleared your name, you'd have the freedom to go anywhere, to do anything.
I've been here so long, I've forgotten how to imagine a better life.
You know, one where Eric's not around.
Can I have money for a jawbreaker? Just try, Mr.
President.
If I could do anything? If he could do annyyyyyything [DOBBS.]
Welcome back to Lou Dobbs Tonight.
We're talking government overreach with Newt Gingrich.
Wow, Newt did Dobbs and Ingraham? Must be between bookers or something.
Kellyanne, if I try to beat this impeachment, will you stick with me to the bitter end, no matter the cost? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kellyanne? Hello? Are you okay? - Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - Kellyanne? Okay, alright, well, I'm just gonna go.
Uhhhhhhhhh - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
- [WARREN.]
Hillary's wrong.
I know Iowa voters interrogate the facts and their unconscious biases before voting on their 20-minute lunch break.
May I have everyone's attention?! You know what chaps my hide? The Dodd-Frank Act provided an oversight mandate for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau Shut up, lady! We're trying not to think or feel! It's just we can end corruption in Washington if we just - [ALL.]
Booooo! - Quit tryna make us think and feel! I told her to shut up.
Hillary, you were right.
How do I connect with what does the media call them? "Everyday" Americans? I know just the vacuous dolts who can try to help.
Just promise me that, if you win, you'll name me President.
Bar's driving through a tunnel.
- Gotta go.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Liz says hi.
Oh, Jeffy, if you're here, give me and Alan Dershowitz a sign.
I-I-I-I-I think I felt a breeze.
Jeffrey, can you come back as a ghost and tell everyone I didn't take my underpants off? [PENCE.]
Mr.
President, a word? What is it, Mike? See another cloud that looks like a nipple - and need some time off? - Yes, but also, Kellyanne said you're considering trying to beat this impeachment thing.
I am.
I'm just not sure I have what it takes to pull this off.
Hey, you can do this, Mr.
President.
You have to.
Thanks, Mike.
You can go now.
No, I don't think you understand.
You have to do this because I cannot become President.
What? Why? Because I would be the worst president in the history of ever anywhere.
First of all, not even a decade ago, I was a radio host, and a bad one.
Also, I'm dumb.
Up until yesterday, I had no idea omelets were made of eggs.
I thought it was yellow pancakes.
- Mike, listen - No! - You listen to me, butthole.
- Whoa! I don't know how anything works.
I don't know where anything is.
I just say it's God because I am clueless! Mike, calm down.
Hey! You have to! You have to do this! Okay, okay, I'll clear my name! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
You're doing the right thing.
I know.
Just leave.
You're scaring the shit out of me.
Okay.
Door open or closed? - Whatever you want.
- Don't make me think! I'm bad at it.
Were you not listening?! Closed.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What the fuck? [CONWAY.]
Since the whole war with Iran thing didn't really pop off, the only way to beat this impeachment thing is in the press.
We've met every communications expert on the Eastern seaboard.
And they're either too fat, too ugly, or too unwilling to die for me.
- What do we do? - There's one more.
[CONWAY.]
But I have to warn you, he's ugly.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Sean, are you ready? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
You can do this.
I'm sick of the justice system letting wrongly accused presidents like you fall through the cracks.
I want to clear your name.
Do you have a communications degree? - Nope.
- Did you graduate high school? - Nope.
- Play any team sports? - Nope.
- Can you drive a car? - Nope.
- Can you look at a car? - Nope.
- Would you be comfortable taking a breathalyzer right now? - Nope.
- Do you have a fixed address? - Nope.
- Ever nodded at someone without your hat falling off? - Nope.
- Can you hold your head underwater for two seconds without drowning? - Nope.
Nope.
- Can you So as far as I can tell, God took every chunk of useless flesh and feces and packed it into your one squat frame.
What makes you qualified to clear my name? Because I believe you.
Let's get to work.
Is there anyone else? No? Okay, let's get to work.
Your impeachment trial is in one week.
Facts won't matter.
What matters is that we tell a beautiful story about a man wrongly accused.
We need to get you out there in every medium TV.
There must be more.
- Books? - Books, sure! Start typing.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Don Junior has a typewriter covered in human blood and hair, but I can hose it down.
[WARREN.]
Hillary Clinton said if I could get you three to understand me, then I could get through to anyone.
Sorry the directions didn't specify how to operate a door.
I can't get the taste of the knob out of my mouth.
Thank goodness Chris Cuomo beat down the door.
My governor dad taught me that before setting me up real nice at CNN - where I read words.
- I'm Joe Kennedy.
My Dad was either Ted, Bobby, or John F.
Kennedy, maybe.
Let's start with my stump speech.
Right now, I begin by touting my key policies: modernizing regulations on influence peddling Here's an idea: how about every speech - comes with a small toy? - Like a cereal box! Let's get after it.
If I dump a bunch of chicken into a cereal box, is that now a cereal? Uh-oh, tough question made my brain spring a leak! What's the rhyme again? Out the nose, green is fine, but when it's red, me will soon die.
[CUOMO.]
Hey, can I put that red stuff on my face so I look like Braveheart? [HANNITY.]
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
His name is Donald Trump and, in 2019, he was earning a steady living as the President of the United States, until he found himself on the wrong side of the law.
Tonight, for the first time, we hear his side of the story.
I'm just trying to survive every day.
When was the last time you saw your family? Unfortunately, earlier today.
[CRYING.]
Oh, God.
[HANNITY.]
His days are spent in near total isolation, [HANNITY.]
disconnected from reality.
I sleep there.
I go to the bathroom over there.
Do you get out much? Once a day, I'll be allowed out for a rally with thousands of screaming racists.
[HANNITY.]
This man's freedom [HANNITY.]
is being held hostage by Adam Schiff, [HANNITY.]
a California Congressman [HANNITY.]
who wields his own brand of ruthless justice.
I will not rest until this man is brought to justice.
[COUGHS.]
Excuse me.
What do you say to other presidents facing impeachment? They can impeach your body, but they can never impeach your mind.
Donald Trump tells his side of the story in My Struggle: A Story of Hope, available tomorrow anywhere books are sold except for Germany.
So is it cereal? Nah, it's milky chicken.
Bummer! I'm one of the Kennedys.
[SIGHS.]
Elizabeth, what's wrong? I just don't know how to appeal to people like you.
What do you mean people like us? Guys who sleep with a couple hundred little tiny curlers in their hair? Is there any plan you can get behind? Ugh, plan this, plan that.
Plan that, plan this.
Seriously, cut me off.
I can't stop.
- Plan this, plan that.
- I wish I had plans, but my campaign manager just keeps telling me to say my last name and shut my handsome face.
I didn't vote for Trump for his plans.
He said America was bad and he'd make it great.
That was a story I wanted to be a part of.
So you don't think about which candidate has the policies that most align with your values? You just vote for who tells the best story? - Uh-huh.
- The best stories have trucks that talk.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
- [LINE RINGING.]
- [CLERK.]
Bookstore.
Yeah? Hi, do you carry My Struggle: A Story of Hope by Donald Trump? [CLERK.]
You'll have to speak up! It's bedlam here! Do you have My Struggle: A Story of Hope? - [CLERK.]
Naw, man.
Naw.
- Oh, okay.
You don't carry it? [CLERK.]
Naw, man, it's sold out.
[CLERK.]
I gotta go.
You take care, okay? [CLERK.]
Keep readin', brother.
A phone call rang out And the President answered It was Zelensky talking Javelins And someone wrote down a transcript Of the President asking for an illegal favor And now Nancy Pelosi's calling that impeachable behavior [ALL.]
Whoa, Why does Trump have to go? Just because he committed the crimes And admitted the crimes - Doesn't mean he should go - Doesn't mean he should go [VIOLIN PLAYS OUT OF TUNE.]
Hold on, Brian.
That's a rental, take it easy.
[VIOLIN CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Brian, I think you're going a little too hard on that thing.
Why does Trump have to go? That was a big deposit, Brian.
Please take it easy.
Why does Trump have to go? Lighter, Brian, lighter.
Little more of a touch.
[VIOLIN CONTINUES PLAYING.]
Fine, this is on you.
I'm gonna blame you, Brian.
[CROWD CHANTING "FREE TRUMP!".]
Facts don't stand a chance against us.
I want you to have this.
"Dear Sean, Put this book on your hat so that, when you nod, your hat doesn't fall off.
Sincerely, the 45th President of the United States".
Wow, you saved me a lot of money on a chin strap.
[CUOMO.]
Doctor said I'm a goner if I swallow one more gold chain, but I think he's just trying to scare me.
Oh, Lizzy's on! When I was a little girl, America was good, but then the bad man came along and made it bad, and I want to make it good again with the help of my talking truck.
- His name is Beep Beep - [HORN HONKS.]
and, like me, he loves America.
- I sure do! - Thanks, Beep Beep.
[WARREN.]
Elect me, bad man goes bye-bye, and every American gets a small toy.
[WARREN.]
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and I approve good.
- Heck yeah.
- Elizabeth, wow! Beep Beep endorsed before the convention.
Unthinkable! [ALL CHANTING "FREE TRUMP!.]
If he could do anything [DOBBS.]
Thanks for joining us, Newt.
Now let's turn to Donald Trump's impeachment spat with the Democrats.
Donald, wake up.
[SCHUMER.]
Do you hear me, Donald? Donald! Wake up! Whoa! How the F did you get in here? We made an appointment and arrived at the designated time.
You sneaky rat bastards.
You've woven quite the fairy tale, but tomorrow is your impeachment trial, and it won't be about whose story is better.
It will be about the facts.
Evidence you pressured Ukraine to spy on Biden somehow includes blood and semen.
I thought I told Pompeo to scrub that country down.
We're so sorry, Donald.
And the biggest tragedy? The trial fell right in the middle of infrastructure week.
[WOMAN.]
We're on in 10.
Wow, I'm up among men pinned under dirt bikes and women who put little wooden signs that say "kitchen" in their kitchens.
I just have to hold my own against the chessmaster.
Okay, everyone, please don't leave your mess here.
This is where I do the show Oh, it's my script.
Sorry, everyone.
Senator Elizabeth Warren, thanks for joining us.
Thanks, Chuck.
And I'd just like to say: Warren good.
Wow, nice message discipline.
Turning to domestic issues, the Dodd-Frank Act provided an oversight mandate for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
Ooh, yummy topic.
Mama likey.
Please explain to me how you get a full-time chairperson confirmed in the Senate.
Uh, um, it's a complicated issue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not what you said before.
You're off message.
I got you in a gaffe.
Let's get the graphic up.
Hmm, maybe I should be the President and she should be the guy who got yelled at by one of his interns yesterday.
[NARRATOR.]
C-Span will no longer air [NARRATOR.]
the 92nd Street Y conversation [NARRATOR.]
between David Brooks, David Frum, David Axelrod, [NARRATOR.]
David Plotz, and David Plouffe, [NARRATOR.]
moderated by David Remnick.
Instead, we go live to the floor of the Senate for the impeachment trial of the President.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, if Mike Pence comes by, just project confidence.
He's been acting like a complete luna Hey, Mike! What a great day for justice! I'm so excited to see you prevail.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Yeah.
So you feel like it's gonna work out? Like, you're gonna be president for awhile? Uh, yeah.
- Sean? - Yeah, for sure.
So I don't need to study up in the next few hours, like learn who won World War II? Figure out how to open a desk drawer? I think you're good.
Oh, hey, I think Karen was looking for you.
Yeah, you should go find her.
Cool, cool, cool.
Door open or closed? - There's no door, Mike.
- Cool.
See you guys later.
Karen! Hey, Lizzy Whatever, we saw "Meet the Press".
You were good.
Warren good.
Warren didn't feel good.
Warren felt like an idiot.
When someone calls me an idiot, I just go to sleep.
Problem solved.
How do I even show my face at the impeachment trial? I got embarrassed by Chuck Todd.
I know this isn't the best time, but can you give this to Beep Beep? [GAVEL BANGS.]
The sergeant-at-arms will make the proclamation.
Hear ye! Hear ye! All persons are commanded to keep silent on pain of imprison [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Ladies and gentlemen, [ANNOUNCER.]
welcome to the impeachment trial [ANNOUNCER.]
of the President of the United States.
[ANNOUNCER.]
And now here's your defendant: [ANNOUNCER.]
Donald J.
Trump! [MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Thank God that worked.
In rehearsal, the whale carcass stuffed with dumbbells ripped the harness ropes in half.
You know, you weren't required to attend.
Yeah, I don't know if you noticed, but we're doing things a little differently this term.
Speaking for the prosecution, Congressman Schiff? Oh, fuck.
Oh, Lord.
According to transcripts released by your own administration eight phone calls inappropriately moved to a highly classified server blood and semen which according to 95% of legal scholars, fits the very definition of treason.
So we're just going to overlook how fabulous the White House was decorated for Christmas? It's a witch hunt, got it.
I'm thinking after this, we do some potato skins, maybe Skee-Ball.
Donald, I haven't seen that much evidence since they raided Ailes's office.
Hey, so just to be safe, World War II was the one in Vietnam, right? [CARLSON.]
Today's impeachment proceedings were such a disaster for the President that even I can see where this is heading.
My loyalty is now for sale to the highest bidder.
Phone lines are open.
No opinion is too depraved.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
So for the resignation ceremony, I'm thinking sobbing masses here and here.
No, Mr.
President, don't do it.
That reminds me: let's have a guy wrapped in tin foil show up, say he's from the future, and say my resignation leads to the end of mankind.
Uh-huh.
And what are you thinking for the kids? They can just catch a cab home.
Mr.
President, you're not resigning.
You're going to be acquitted by the Senate tomorrow.
Hello, Democrats have what many describe as a "satanic orgy of evidence".
And the Republicans have a satanic orgy of votes, so we win.
So if I'm reading this correctly, you don't care what I did? I have not been following this case in the slightest.
I've just been calling Republicans in the middle of the night and breathing into the phone.
They get it.
Are you okay, Elizabeth? You haven't touched your chicken-y cereal.
I thought we agreed it was milky chicken.
- Some friend you are! - I'm sorry.
I just know now that Americans electing a smart, female president is a fairy tale.
Don't knock fairy tales.
Fairy tales give us hope.
And they teach us how poor people need magic and talking mice to succeed.
Or they're the basis for an entire political dynasty.
They do give us hope, don't they? People sort of need them.
Hey, can you guys give me a ride back to Washington? [MURMURING.]
We'll do it for one million dollars.
- And a toy! - No.
Fine, but a heads up: none of us drive good.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CRANE WHIRRING.]
I rented the crane for seven days but the suit for one.
Real hot dogs and buns situation here.
- [GAVEL BANGS.]
- The defense will now make their case.
Whoo! Go defense! That's who I'm secretly rooting for! Not a secret anymore now, is it? Who do you think you are, my dad? What do I, walk in on you all the time shaving your ass? And then you tell me to go get the vacuum? Is that what you think you are? Well, you aren't! Hey, has anyone seen my flask? It looks like an old bottle of sunscreen.
Actually it is an old bottle of sunscreen.
Lifetime appointment, folks.
Would the attorney for Mr.
Trump deliver their opening statement? Attorney General Barr is in Indiana digging up dirt on Pete Buttigieg Spoiler: he might be gay while Giuliani is testing pick up lines at the 9/11 Memorial.
So I'll be representing myself.
Folks, I've been so concerned with weaving a fairy tale about how I'm the least criminal president in history that I forgot the facts.
Specifically, Republicans have a Senate majority so I can get away with whatever I want.
- The end.
- That's my guy! [POMPEO.]
Greetings, people of 2020.
I'm from the future.
Do not remove Trump from office for mankind's Mike, I'm not resigning.
Someone should've told you.
- [TIRES SQUEAL, THUMP.]
- [SENATORS GASP.]
Aw, crap! Kennedy, your family's experts on this sort of thing.
Get to work.
I'm okay.
If anyone finds any bones, just slip them into the pocket of my hiking shorts.
Thank God.
Alright, everyone, shut up! This is Cuomo Prime Time, my first guest is Elizabeth Warren.
The fact of the matter is that the Senate Republicans have the majority.
And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that facts can be a real bummer.
If you want to win over the American people, you've got to give them hope.
You got to tell them a story they can believe in.
And, sure, maybe it's a fairy tale, but it gives us something to aspire to.
[APPLAUSE.]
And that's why I want to be the first Native American President in history.
Bill, I got a lane to run for president! Would you mind leaving the country for a year? No problem.
Dershowitz and I just got a hot tip on a man who looks like Jeffy down in Peru.
If anyone asks, we flew the whole way with our underpants on.
Bye.
Each Senator, when his or her name is called, will stand in his or her place and vote guilty or not guilty.
Guilty.
Native American?! Come on, Liz, we've been through this.
Despite every word out of my mouth before 2016, the President is an angel on Earth.
Not guilty.
Ted Cruuuuz! Allow me to consult the Lord.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
Not guilty! [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator Collins? [MUMBLING.]
- [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator? - [MUMBLING.]
[JUDGE ROBERTS.]
A little clearer.
[MUMBLING.]
- [JUDGE ROBERTS.]
Senator.
- I'm a little girl.
I can't vote.
Tra-la-la-lee-loo! President Trump is a symptom of a larger problem with the system that I will now describe in detail.
[JUDGE ROBERTS.]
We don't have time for this.
We'll just mark down "guilty".
Yeah, okay, sure.
In the name of preserving the infrastructure bill, not guilty.
The President is a disgrace to the office, a blight on our nation's history, and an existential threat to democracy itself.
Not guilty.
According to the tally, on these articles of impeachment, the President is not guilty as charged.
- Way to go, dad! - Way to win! Oh, thank God.
I'm so happy! Hey, what'd I miss? Anyway, I want you guys to meet Brenda.
Come here, Brenda.
We just did it in the North Tower reflecting pool.
[HANNITY.]
We did it, Mr.
President.
Check it out.
My hat's staying on and I'm nodding my head! - [CROWD CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
- Did you hear that? They're celebrating my acquittal in the streets! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I don't get it.
The Democrats are happy? We did it! We kind of held the president accountable! [CROWD CHANTING "KINDA!".]
But most importantly, we showed that this story isn't over! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What is she talking about? Oh, yeah, the election.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!