Parks and Recreation s03e01 Episode Script

Giddyup! Giddyup! Meet Leslie Knope.
I am the pants queen! Leslie loves whipped cream, dancing with friends, and working hard for the Parks Department of Pawnee, Indiana.
Cut it out, Tom.
- It never gets old.
She also loves her coworkers at City Hall.
Ron Swanson.
Tom Haverford.
Tommy Timberlake.
April Ludgate.
My mom is Puerto Rican.
That's why I'm so lively and colorful.
And Andy Dwyer.
Nailed it.
April and Andy like each other.
But when Andy accidentally kissed his ex-girlfriend, Ann Perkins, April left.
Wait.
April! And he hasn't seen her since.
In the midst of all this love, two black hats rode into town.
Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born.
I believe I am that human being.
And they brought with them some disturbing news.
Effective tomorrow morning, the entire government will be shut down until further notice.
What will Leslie do next? Will April and Andy make up and make out? Find out this season on Parks and Recreation.
Starting right now.
Ron.
We're back.
Bully.
The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Rounding up the team, so exciting.
I have goose bumps.
Feel.
And that's why they call me Prince Charming.
Because I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella.
These are way too tight.
Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.
Tom, we're back.
Jeremy! Suck it! By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.
Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up.
Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not? D, you have a visitor.
We back? We're back.
All right.
Jerry.
Oh, my gosh.
Look who's here.
Leslie.
The nightmare's over, Jerry.
We're going back to work.
You're not going to need this anymore.
Come on! I called shotgun.
Everybody heard me.
Well, I am usually not one for speeches.
So, goodbye.
Break's over, mofos.
Okay.
Here's the situation.
We are operating on a shoestring budget.
Park services have been slashed.
But we are all still here.
And we have a job to do.
Make the world's biggest pizza.
No, make this town fun for the people who live here.
Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority.
No, it's not.
We're getting pizza? April, hey, it's me, Andy Dwyer.
This is like the 200th message I've left you, without a response.
So, if you're trying to tell me something, I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.
It is truly great to see all of you, huh? It's great news! Okay.
I have to run.
Ben.
The bad news, which I get to deliver, is this.
Your only work for the time being will be existing park maintenance.
So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode.
Yeah! Jerry! Okay.
See, I've spent the last few months brainstorming.
And I have some really great ideas and I put them in my idea binders.
I mean, they're color coded, for God's sake.
Okay.
Actually, yeah.
There is one thing that you will be doing.
Apparently, in Indiana, if you don't provide a basketball league, people get very upset.
And quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names.
Like Turd-boy.
Whatever.
The point is I reinstated youth basketball.
Okay? It says here you only have money for two teams? Yeah.
They're going to develop a great rivalry.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators, and from gladiators into Swansons.
Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years.
It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.
Categories include Capitalism.
God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.
Crying.
Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
Rage.
Poise.
Property rights.
Fish, for sport only, not for meat.
Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
Haircuts.
There are three acceptable haircuts.
High and tight.
Crew cut.
Buzz cut.
Are the scissors broken in your house, son? So, are you happy to be back at work? Well, our budget's been slashed to zero.
I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field.
Request denied.
We literally can't buy I'm so sorry.
No.
I mean, look, when we were kids, the Parks Department would do these big projects.
Winter Jamboree, the Harvest Festival.
It's like they don't have faith in us anymore.
I'm not a paper pusher, Ann.
I need to be out in the streets, planting trees and cracking skulls.
Leslie Knope.
Ann Perkins.
How are my two favorite people in this entire town? Not good, Chris.
There was a whole line of people in my office complaining that all their programs have been slashed.
Yeah, I know, it's terrible.
Is there anything we can do about that? No.
Damn! Sorry, Leslie.
Ann, could I talk to you for a minute? So, how's it going? Save it.
Okay? I know you don't have faith in me and my department, and that's fine.
But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you.
All right.
Fair enough.
Go the other way.
But I'm just going to that All right, I'II Look.
I'm very flattered.
But again, I don't think I should go out with you.
Can I ask you why not? Because I thought we had a great time the night you got drunk and kissed me.
And you did use your tongue.
I just don't think I'm in a place to go out with anyone right now.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, Ann Perkins.
Leslie Knope.
Yes.
Did he ask you out again? He did.
He did.
He is nothing if not persistent.
And hot.
He's very He's pretty hot.
Yeah, he's hot.
But he's intense.
But he's really, really hot.
But he's your boss.
Oh, my God.
I just thought of an idea of how we can save the Parks Department.
Great.
Let me ask you one question.
Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Minus the money? Definitely yes, then.
Thanks, Ann.
Looking sharp.
Beautiful.
The backboard is your friend.
I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun.
Hey, watch this.
Go get it.
Yeah! And a second emphasis on mental.
Yeah, it can be hard work.
But every time I look one of these kids in the eyes and he calls me Coach That's how I know I agreed to be a coach.
Mouse Rat! Mouse Rat! Carnage! - Carnage! Okay, gentlemen.
It's time for the pre-game coin toss.
There's no coin toss in basketball.
Are those women's sneakers? Yes, they are, Ron.
You know what? They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is no one can tell.
All right, let's do this.
Match point.
Touchdown.
Et cetera.
Yeah.
Go, Lightning.
All right.
Okay.
I like what you're wearing, but I need it to be 300% sexier.
Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time? Or, like, a metal bikini? You know what's always sexy? Fingerless gloves.
What about if I wear this normal, sane outfit? Yeah.
Okay, but you're going to have to eat something sexy, then.
Like a banana.
For dinner? Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus? No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chili.
Yeah.
And how exactly am I supposed to casually steer the conversation towards the Parks Department budget? Okay.
It's totally easy.
Tell you what.
You be Chris.
I'll be you.
I'll show you how it's done.
Okay.
Ann Perkins.
You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you.
Thank you, Chris.
I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.
Can I get you a drink? I love every single beverage in the world.
I would like some wine.
And Oops, my vest popped open.
Just like the budget needs to pop open and you need to pour it into my Parks Department.
Great.
I am so excited that you finally agreed to go out with me.
What a magnificent flip-flop.
You're a magnificent asker-outer.
Tell me every single detail of your day.
I love dates.
I love connecting with someone.
I love engaging them.
I love being surprised by them.
I have never had a bad date.
They've all been either great or phenomenally great.
Nurses are the most undervalued members of our society by far.
I think all of you should make as much money as the CEO of Google.
Wow.
Thank you.
I agree.
Can I ask you a question? Why am I so positive all the time? Yes, that's exactly the question.
I was born with a blood disorder.
And my parents were told that I had three weeks to live.
And here I still am, some 2,000-odd weeks later, and I have enjoyed every one of them.
I think it's going well.
He's actually a really nice guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So, have you asked him yet about the money? It's a date, you know? It's kind of hard to casually bring up the Parks budget when you're talking about your favorite movies.
Jurassic Park.
Parks are so great.
The Parks Department needs money.
I just did it in three moves.
Well, then, why don't you just come here and do it yourself? Okay.
Holy crap! What? Chris and Ann, what are you two doing here? We are on a date.
And it is going phenomenally.
Thanks, but I'll stay for just one drink.
I am so happy I ran into you, because I wanted to speak to you about Well, well, well.
Ben.
What a fun surprise.
That's right, you were coming here tonight on a date.
And hey, Leslie is joining you on this wonderfully romantic occasion.
How about that? - Fantastic! It is.
Can I talk to you? Sure.
What are you doing here? BEN: Just confirming a suspicion I had, Leslie.
What are you talking about? I had nothing to do with this date.
They're both so beautiful.
They probably just want to see each other naked.
Okay.
Well, I know what you're trying to do, and you're not that good at being sneaky.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
I'm great at being sneaky.
- Clearly, you're not.
Hey.
You guys, let's all have dinner together.
The more the merrier.
Great.
Great.
Great job, guys.
Yep.
All right, Eric.
Taking a rest, or are you hurt? Taking a rest? Smart.
Destroy them, gentlemen.
Feel no sympathy.
Yes, Ron Swanson is dating my ex-wife, Wendy.
Big deal.
My girlfriend, Lucy, is the sexiest woman in town.
She's Cuban, she's got tattoos, and she's into me, which, as far as I'm concerned, is the sexiest quality a woman can have.
Oh, I have an idea.
You know what would be really fun? After dinner, we should take a walk by the pond in Ramsett Park.
Walking in parks can be very romantic.
Yeah, too bad the park's always closed, though.
Okay.
Well, you two are on a date.
So, Leslie and I should probably get going.
Well, I'm actually having a good time with everyone.
Chris? Me, too.
I'm having a fantastic time.
What do you say we take this whole "date-plus-two- other-people" thing up into the stratosphere? This place is outstanding! Great call, Leslie Knope.
Thanks.
Look.
Even Ben's dancing.
That's the way to shoot the ball, Chignoli.
Hustle back.
That's a foul! What? On whom? Your team.
Number 50.
He was double dribbling.
He's on defense.
Exactly.
That's a technical difficulty.
So, that means Andy's team throws the ball from the stripey thing.
Let's go! "The stripey thing"? Hey, there, how's it going? Great, thanks.
Can I buy you a drink? I'm very flattered.
But this is my stunningly gorgeous date, Ann Perkins.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
No problem.
In fact, let me buy all of you a drink for being so welcoming today.
Waiter! I think I may actually like Chris.
On the house, Leslie.
Thank you.
I'm sort of a gay hero.
Last year, I married two penguins at the zoo, and it turned out they were both gay.
Penguin wedding? Mm-hmm.
That's cute.
It was so cute.
But enough about how cute it was.
Why don't you think I should have the money? Good Lord.
Really? Look.
When I was 18 and I became mayor of my hometown, I used every last dollar we had to open a giant winter sports complex.
Called it Ice Town.
And it turned out great and everyone loved it.
Yeah, kind of.
It was never completed, and I got impeached.
The newspaper headline was, "Ice Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown.
" They were big into rhymes.
Well, I don't know.
I think Ice Town sounds great.
And the point is, at least you tried something.
Foul! Foul on number three for taking a number two on number four.
Roughing the passer! Double dribbling! That's a foul! That's a foul for touching the basketball.
What are you going to do about it? Nothing.
You fouled.
You can't do anything.
Okay.
You're ejected.
You're ejected.
What's the matter there, Ron? No players left? Andy's team! Look at them go! Oh, come on.
Now, you're openly cheering for the other team? Put my boys back in.
You made me the ref.
Deal with it.
You know what? Take this uniform off.
Hey! Hey! You don't deserve to wear it.
Ron's ejected for molesting the ref! Yeah? I'm ejected? Tom, what are you doing? - Yes, you are.
I'm ejecting you.
You're ejected, too.
Everyone's ejected.
She's ejected? Yeah! Go ahead, go! Well, that's a forfeit.
Andy's team wins.
No way! We won? Oh, man! Eat it! Andy! Andy! Andy! - Andy! Andy! Andy! Yeah! Yes! I dedicate this victory to April Ludgate.
It feels good.
And it feels sticky.
From the Gatorade.
We're barely able to function.
We could really use that money.
Well, you know, I don't know if it's because I'm in such a good mood or because of the charming Ann Perkins, but I am going to seriously consider that.
Really? That's great.
Mission accomplished.
Let's boogie.
Mission accomplished? Yeah.
There's a mission that Ann had thought of.
It was both of our ideas, but it was mostly Ann's.
We I had mentioned to Ann that it would be fun if you two went on a date.
So, then, you could talk about the money, and then, you know, maybe give it to me.
Wow.
I've just had my first bad date.
Ann Perkins.
Not that sneaky.
April! April! Where have you been? Oh, my God.
Hey.
How are you? I'm okay.
I'm dying to see you.
I called and I texted you, like, a billion times.
I'm sorry.
I was in Venezuela.
Really? Wow.
Across the pond.
Wow.
I thought maybe I would have heard from you at least once.
Because of what happened.
Ann kissing me? I am so sorry about that.
It was so stupid and it meant nothing.
I wouldn't worry about it.
It's totally fine.
Hey.
This is my boyfriend, Eduardo.
No, it's not.
That means we're going to lunch.
How do you say, "Have a great time, don't choke on anything"? Bye.
Leslie asked me to do her a favor.
And I love her, so I did it.
I'm sorry, and I'm here to eat crow.
I like you a lot.
Let's go out again.
Ann Perkins.
Budget solution number 28.
Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks.
Note.
Tired sheep could become food or sweaters.
Well, I got my answer.
About April.
She hates me.
Yeah.
And she got a boyfriend, I guess.
From some city in Mexico.
So what do I do? Okay.
Well, when your back's against the wall and odds are stacked against you, you just You You swing the hardest, damn it.
You go big or you go home.
And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home.
I'm not.
I don't even really have a home.
Go get her, Andy.
Okay! Okay, thanks, Leslie.
Okay.
So, we know the people who run this government have no faith in us.
My plan is going to change that and bring the budget back.
And the answer's been right in front of us the whole time.
Check your testicles? No.
Not that.
Although that is very good advice.
Looking at you, Jerry.
No.
What's going to save us is right there.
Gentlemen, I realize that times are tough and the budget is tight.
But if the people of this town have nothing else to do but sit in their houses and play video games, then Pawnee will die.
And we refuse to let that happen.
Now.
This town was historically known for two things.
Widespread obesity, and the annual Pawnee Harvest Festival.
People from all over Indiana would come and gaze in wonderment at how fat our citizens were.
And while they were here, they would also attend the Festival, a full week of corn mazes, hay rides, Ferris wheels, pumpkins the size ofjeeps.
We lost that festival a few years ago, due to another round of budget cuts.
And I propose we bring the festival back.
With ticket sales and corporate sponsorship, we'll earn all that money back.
And believe me, people will come.
What if they don't? Well, then you eliminate the Parks Department.
And you guys are all on board with this.
Aye.
- Yes.
Look, we're not just pencil-pushers.
We are a reflection of the community.
And we believe that we can strengthen that community.
Because in the end, the reason why we're all here is to bring people together.
That, literally, is the most moving thing I've ever heard.
And a good idea.
Yeah, all right.
Excellent! Great! Okay.
So, everybody, we're going to party hard for 15 minutes and then, we're going to have our first brainstorming session.
Hello, April.
Do you like the flowers? What are you doing? All due respect, Eduardo.
You seem like a great guy.
But I like April.
And I'm coming after her with everything I've got.
So, do you want to go out with me? No.
I thought you were going to say yes.
But that's okay.
Because I'll be back tomorrow to ask you again.
And again the next day.
And the next day.
Not Friday.
I have to go visit my cousin.
But I will be back after that to ask you again.
You should do it.
Follow your dream.
Oh, my God.
Really? That's awesome.
I'll see you tomorrow.