Raising Hope s03e01 Episode Script

Living in an old house has its challenges.
Like how the water won't run while the washing machine is on its rinse cycle.
Spin cycle! And the air conditioner won't kick on unless the thermostat thinks it's 125 degrees.
Ow, it's burning my thumb.
Just power through it.
Or having to learn the combination to open the front door that sticks.
Hurry.
I'm trying.
It's push, twist left, pull, twist right, lift and open, right? No, no, no, that's the back door! The front door is twist left, pull, twist right, lift, stomp.
But that's just part of living in an old house.
And the longer you live there, the more it all just becomes normal.
I'm waiting for the spin cycle.
I think this is the first time I've ever seen your meat whistle, Burt.
I believe that's true.
Not a fan.
Hey We are so, so, very, very, very sorry for your loss.
Thanks for using your funeral voice, but nobody really cared for my grandmother.
Well, we wanted to be here for you.
And Jimmy said there might be shrimp? Help yourself.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Oh, you brought Maw Maw.
Where's the body? Oh, it's in the kitchen.
She was worried people wouldn't pay their respects up-close, so she surrounded herself with the buffet.
Good idea.
You, at my funeral, fill my bellybutton with ranch dressing, so people will have to dip their carrot sticks in there.
I'm gonna write that down.
Okay.
Is your mother here yet? She's around here somewhere.
Give me something to talk to her about.
Talk about her.
She's a big fan.
She went to India and she picked up yoga.
Yoga? I don't know anything about yoga.
Did she pick up anything else in India? Diarrhea.
Okay.
Good.
I've got a strong five minutes on diarrhea.
Make sure you bury me in a dress like this.
It looks custom-made.
I'll try to find you one kinda like it.
Not kinda like it.
Just like it.
And don't forget to wrap my head in tin foil so worms don't get in.
Yeah, I already told you I'm not doing that.
It's weird and it's a waste of foil.
I'm not taping one of your eyes open either.
Oh, come on, that'll be hilarious.
Mm Mom, this is my boyfriend Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is my mother, who is so self-involved that, though I have now said your name twice, I bet she has no idea what it is.
Jimmy.
Still doesn't.
Let's not do this.
Not today.
Your grandmother is dead.
We should be celebrating.
I may not have been the perfect mother, but I was a hell of a lot better to you than Nana was to me.
That woman once elbowed me in the nose because I was talking during Wimbledon.
When you were 12, did Nana leave you alone for a weekend so she could fly to Vegas with her boyfriend? Hey, you don't know Richard Dawson because he's dead now, but he used to be a big deal.
So, India.
I hear that place can be a real bummer on the tummy.
Is my daughter dating you to hurt me? I hope not.
Right before I die, I want to be frozen so they can bring me back after they discover the cure for whatever disease I had.
And, of course, the cure for being frozen to death.
Frozen, huh? What do they call that? Cryogenics.
I thought cryogenics was a religion.
No, no, no, you're thinking of Science-ology.
It's that religion that writer started.
L More Leonard.
And they use their science to freeze you and bring you back to life, huh? We should look into that.
Guys, I think the conversation may have taken a wrong turn somewhere.
If everybody could come to the living room, my grandmother had a video she made before she died, she wanted everyone to watch.
Yeah, she didn't think anybody was gonna want to do that either, so she put a chocolate fountain in there.
Hmm, chocolate fountain.
That's a great idea.
Come on.
Hm! Hello, everyone.
In case you're shedding any tears for me, please don't.
By the time you see this, I'm going to be in Heaven getting plowed by my dead husband.
When he sees me wearing his favorite dress, I'm going to knock his halo off.
I guess some of you are curious as to what I'm going to do with my money.
Hello, Tamara.
Now, how would I know that you would be in the most comfortable chair? Because I know you like the back of my hand.
You're a spoiled brat.
You have no respect for marriage or money and because of that, you get nothing.
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too.
All of the cash I have will be donated to a non-profit organization dedicated to getting rid of non-profit organizations.
The only thing left is this house.
And I've decided to give it to the only relative who hasn't broken my heart by getting a divorce: Sabrina.
As soon as you get married, you can move in and start a family.
Rest in peace, sweetheart.
See you on the other side.
I don't know why we can't talk about this! Just stop it! Jimmy, you saw that house.
The sooner you two are married, the sooner we can all move in.
That sounded a little like you think you're gonna live there, too.
Uh, yeah.
Jimmy lived here for 25 years.
He owes us.
This isn't your house.
It's Maw Maw's.
Shh! And I would like to live in it alone just once, before I die.
So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back in office and make it a sin.
Maw Maw, I'm not telling you I'm a woman.
And I'm not telling you this again: Show me your vagina and I'll believe you.
- No! - Burt showed me his.
I know that sounded like I have a vagina.
I don't.
She's referring to I was peeing the other day I'll explain later.
Now, look, since they brought it up, it is a nice house, and I mean, it's not like we never talked about No, no, no, no, Jimmy.
No.
Listen, my whole life I've had to worry about people liking me for my family's money.
Look, you fell in love with me for who I really am.
I don't some stupid house to be the reason we got engaged.
Then it won't be the reason.
You guys are being selfish.
What about Hope? She'd be in a better school district.
You really want her going to the same schools Jimmy went to? Mom, my schools weren't not that bad.
Name four consonants.
America, Europe, Mexico, and the North Pole.
Is that right? I don't know.
I went to the same schools.
Mom, just drop it, okay? I didn't even think about the schools.
I mean, it's good.
It's where I went.
It's not like I never thought about us getting married.
So I guess we should get married? It seems to make sense.
Did we just get engaged? I think we did, yeah.
Burt, go get the champagne I was saving for when Oprah comes crawling back to network TV.
I mean, you want to do this, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, totally I do.
Um, I think there's just I guess when I dreamt about the man that I loved proposing to me, I think I might have thought I would feel something that I'd never felt before, but you know, it's just the house and I-I don't know At least you're getting married for a house.
When she got married, all she got was a ten-pound baby with a two-pound nose.
Jimmy, you know what? All that really matters is that I love you.
No.
No, I want you to feel like you always dreamed you would feel when you got engaged.
I can do better.
I-I take back my proposal.
No, Jimmy, really it's fine.
Please, let me try again.
I want to do this right.
Okay.
Fine.
We're no longer engaged.
Thanks.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Oh! They're not engaged anymore.
Seriously? Well, help me find the cork.
The first step was to find out what kind of proposal Sabrina had always dreamed up without asking her.
Oh, and then when we were 11, she wanted it to be at a surprise party surrounded by friends and family.
She also thinks a Jumbo-tron proposal'd be cool.
Page 82.
Oh, and then she went through a "guy on a white horse" phase in high school, and that was followed by a skywriting phase.
Her diary never mentions horses or skywriting.
She does talk about some creepy guy at work.
I think it's Chet.
Hey, Mom, check out my profile page.
I finally got my new gal pal to stand still long enough for a photo.
So, what do you think? I vote for skywriting.
- White horse.
- Jumbo-tron.
What? No way! I wanted it to be perfect but she wanted so many different things, which was I supposed to do? I got it.
Good! This was beginning to bore me.
By the way, if you're going with the white horse, I think I can get that for you.
We're talking about heroin, right? He's gonna to ask you to marry him.
Maw Maw! It's okay.
When you asked me to go bowling but wear my nicest dress, I kinda knew something was up.
Well, act surprised.
He's really looking forward to this.
Oh, crap, I lost a meatball.
Virginia? I'm looking.
This is why I told you to go with the pork chop! From now on, flat food only in the car.
I don't know if I can do this, Virginia.
What do you mean? You already said yes.
This is just for fun.
Yeah, I know, but he wants me to feel something that I never felt before and I just I don't think that's going to happen.
Virginia.
I'm looking.
I know he that loves me and he's not asking me to marry him because of a house, but there's no doubt that he's asking me right now because of a house.
I think my grandmother's ruined this for me.
Well, then you gotta fake it.
Mmm.
- What? - Look Sometimes they work and work and work and they want you to feel something you never felt before, and you know there is no way you're ever gonna get there.
So you fake it.
You do that? I love Mike and Molly, but Burt broke our VCR killing a spider, so if a show's getting close and I'm not, I just put on a little performance of my own.
I faked it last night and I was by myself.
I blamed it on the arthritis, but the truth is I just lost interest.
Okay.
Ready? So, what do you say? Will you marry me? Yes, yeah! Yeah, Jimmy! Oh, my God, Jimmy! Jimmy, I want to marry you! I'm gonna marry you! I'm gonna marry you, yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, oh God, yes! Yeah.
Wow Jimmy just proposed the crap out of that girl.
I told you I could do it.
Pop.
Whoo-hoo! After almost three years of being in love with Sabrina, I couldn't believe we were actually engaged.
And Sabrina's mom seemed to be warming up to me.
Kind of.
Sabrina, Timmy - Jimmy.
- Jimmy.
In a lot of ways, I don't think that you're good enough for my daughter.
To Sabrina and Timmy.
Jimmy.
Most importantly, Sabrina and I were as happy as we've ever been.
In lieu of words strung together to form sentences, I have prepared a slide show to celebrate the life of the bride and groom.
Okay those were supposed to go by a lot faster.
Look, it's Insane Clown Wussy.
We all go through phases, Dad.
Ha! Speaking of phases.
Hey, Mom, you remember that summer? I think that was the only summer you had your old nose and your new boobs.
I'm just saying, I can't believe you got a boob job before a nose job.
Your grandmother did this my nose.
I wanted her to see that it did not affect my self-esteem.
But, in order for that to work, I needed much bigger boobs.
Just stop coming on the boat with me and my friends, okay? No matter how big your new boobs are, the boys aren't going to hook up with you.
You're old.
If the boat tips over, those boys are gonna be clinging to me for dear life.
And I am not old.
I can name every single character on Laguna Beach.
Come on, man.
You're in my math class.
No, I'm not.
I'm that guy's father, Burt Chance.
Go ahead, ask me anything.
I memorized it all.
I'll take that beer.
But I hate to drink alone.
Unless you think I'm too old.
What are you wearing? I'm not sure.
I got most of this at a yard sale.
I think it's like a cool Goth back brace.
It's a corset.
Seriously? Like, one of those old-timey bras they wore back when you were my age? Get the hell out of my car! Hana loka mu's the word for bride Noka Nu is how you say groom And when the Hana loka mu meets the little Noka Nu They have a Takaniki honeymoon I don't actually know any Hawaiian And I just made up all those words But let's a raise a glass of booze For the upcoming nuptials and wish you A Nakiliki Mekaliki Maki Hoki Poo! What are you doing? Uh, your father wanted to take a bath and I lost an earring in the Grown-up stuff.
We're doing grown-up stuff.
Well don't get used to this house 'cause I think just blew it for all of us.
I made out with Sabrina's mom.
Jimmy, do you know how inappropriate that is? The What is going on in here? Look you have got to get back out there and act normal.
Act normal? Are you kidding me? You're gonna be my mother-in-law and seven years ago, we were making out in the back of a car.
Just get it together.
I am trying to have a better relationship with my daughter and that is never gonna happen if she finds out about this.
So, if anyone asks what we were doing in here, let's all just say cocaine.
My husband wasn't my first choice, but back then there was no way my parents were going to let me marry a Jewish guy or a black guy or a or an Asian guy.
I often wondered what happened to Wang.
That was the black guy.
His nickname was Wang.
I don't know what to do.
I can't lie to Sabrina.
Don't be an idiot.
You didn't know it was Sabrina's mother when it happened.
It's seven years.
You probably don't even remember what her fake boobs felt like.
- Do ya? - Burt.
Oh, come on.
I got married at 17.
The closest I ever got to a fake boob was going up Kathy Conklin's shirt and coming out with a plastic baggy full of mashed potatoes.
I have to assume they've gotten better.
Jimmy, you would only be telling Sabrina what happened to make yourself feel better.
Think about Sabrina.
How is she going to ever kiss you again knowing you made out with her mother? It's gross.
So I'm supposed to go out there and act normal for the rest of the night? For the rest of my life? Yeah, fake it.
The way Sabrina totally faked how happy she was when you proposed tonight.
What? She wasn't faking it.
Come on, she said your name a bunch of times, threw in a few "Oh Gods," did all your mother's Monday night moves.
Wha? I didn't Can't believe she was faking it.
She seemed so excited.
She only faked it because she loves you.
And that's why you need to fake it with her.
So get out there and act like nothing's wrong.
If you knew I fake it on Monday nights, why haven't you ever said anything? 'Cause you put on a great show and then I get to watch Mike and Molly.
And even though it started out with what they would call today a date rape, our marriage lasted 67 years.
And, uh, since I suddenly can't remember where I am or who any of you people is, well, I'll just say "Happy New Year's.
" Happy New Year.
Seven years ago, I made out with your mother in the back of a car.
And I fiddled with her knockers a little.
I am so sorry, all right? I just I didn't want you to kiss me because I thought you might not want to kiss the guy who made out with your mother.
Although, I mean, you have kissed the guy who made out with your mother, you just, you just didn't know it.
Look, I didn't know it.
I just found out when I watched the video that I'd made out with your mother.
Is it just me or is he saying the words "I made out with your mother" way more than he needs to? Yeah, I don't know why he's doing that.
You know, I'm sure that he has brushed his teeth a whole bunch since then, sweetheart.
And, also, the boobs that he grabbed, they're not even mine anymore.
After the recall, your Uncle Andy turned them into an art piece for Nana.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
I just love you so much that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life keeping any secrets from you.
So, if you don't want to marry me, you don't have to.
But I want to marry you.
Really badly.
So I'm gonna ask you again.
Will you marry me? Yes.
By being willing to lose everything, I was able to show Sabrina I loved her 100% for who she was and give her the feeling she's been waiting for her whole life.
And she didn't have to fake it.
And we weren't the only ones who weren't going to fake it anymore.
All right, we are recording Mike and Molly, so you can take as much time as you need.
But try not to take too much time.
I'm recording over some of my favorite karate movies.