Reno 911! (2003) s03e01 Episode Script

- Somebody's got to take out the trash, and I Promise the citizens of reno that that person is gonna be Me, mike powers.
Dereliction of duty, sexual indiscretion.
- Mmm.
- Lot of charges leveled against this department.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you, uhAware of all the activities that take Place within the department? - Yes, sir, I am.
[echoes.]
- Does anything escape your attention? - No, sir, it does not.
- Are you aware that your balls are hanging out Right now? [echoes.]
You're all fired, so if you could turn in your guns And badges to, uh, the bailiff here.
I'm going to personally make sure that you all rot In prison.
[echoing.]
Good-bye.
You're all fired.
Man: That's a lovely shade of bitch.
[laughing.]
- What's up, mandingo? [laughter.]
- Aah! [gasps.]
I just had the most horrible nightmare.
We were all indicted and sent to prison.
[breathing heavily.]
- Wasn't no fucking nightmare.
Lay your ass back down! - Oh, hey, rufus.
possible by mtv networks.]
[siren.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [cheering.]
- Ha ha ha! - Whoa! Ho! Ho! [siren.]
[tires screech.]
[man speaks indistinctly over p.
A.
.]
[jones playing harmonica.]
[dangle breathing rhythmically.]
- Ahem.
- Typical day for me is, uhOh, about 10 or 12 hours Of exercising [jones playing harmonica.]
Uh, and then I practice some conversational german.
[speaking poorly accented german phrases.]
- Get your--get your ass out of my face, dangle.
- Get your face out of my ass! - What's it like in here? Well, when I'm not sitting in a fetal position, rocking back And forth and crying, I take a couple of catnaps every day, And then, other than that, it's just, you know, how do You spend the rest of the mind-numbing hours in here When there's absolutely nothing to do? - Aah! Aah! Ow! [crying.]
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ow! - The needle isn't even touching you right now.
- Ok, ok.
Ok.
- OhhAah! - Trudy.
Trudy! - Ok, stop, stop! - What--how much did you get done? - Nothing.
- Ok, go ahead.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Ok.
Aah! Aah! Ow! Did you finish? Is it finished? - I need--ok, you know what I finished? This part of his ear.
That's it.
- That's ok.
Thank you.
- Ok.
- Feels kind of good.
My roommates and I, things are pretty good.
I have night terrors, so they're not Excited about that.
Um, most of the time, I scream through the night that Something's trying to kill me, I violently thrash about, And sometimes I harm myself or others.
So, they're not psyched about that, but other than that We have a really good time together.
- ♪ swing low ♪ - ♪ sweet chariot ♪ - Hey.
Hey, hey! Hey! I sing.
You don't sing.
- What do you mean, you sing, I don't sing? - First of all, we can't sing it together.
It's an old negro spiritual.
You're not old, and you've never been negro.
- I'm singing the harmony, the white harmony.
- ♪ ah ♪ - ♪ swing low ♪ ♪ sweet chariot ♪ - Y'all stop, for real! You about to make me start crying.
Stop! Stop! This is creepin' me out! - Why, 'cause it reminds you of your mammy? Sorry.
I know-- [gasps.]
- Oh-- - ow! Ow! Help! Help! - Let's take a timeout.
Let's take a timeout.
- ♪ slam, slammy-slammer, the man has dropped down ♪ ♪ the hammer on me, jonesie, quite inexplicably ♪ ♪ incarceration, humiliation ♪ ♪ no transportation or mastur-ba-tion ♪ ♪ mike check, 1, 2, shaw, shank, shaw, shank ♪ ♪ these 4 walls cannot hold me, cannot contain me, cannot ♪ ♪ a'breaka my stride, for I am fed full with knowledge that ♪ ♪ few would believe ♪ - Uh, prison life, I have really Been trying to make the best of it.
I'm in a correctional facility.
I'm trying to make some corrections to clemmy.
You know, first thing right off the bat, first day, I got that going.
Um, a girl kicked my ass because I wouldn't kiss her.
Um, some bitch named deltrice or something like that.
And so, now, um, I have to give her All my cigarettes.
So I'm not smoking anymore.
- Mail call.
Come to papa.
- [inhales.]
- Yeah, and then I got you a, uh, '97 cabernet.
- Ohh! Yo! - They didn't have a '96, huh? - You gonna start on me again? - I'm just saying, in the future, when you're picking Out a cabGo with an even year.
- If you don't want it, I'll take it-- - No, no, no.
- Yeah, don't get him mad.
- You know, being in prison, I have, Uh, finally decided to start my first novel.
Uh, started it two weeks ago.
It is "christine" by stephen king.
So far it's about a--it's, like, this car that at night, It comes to life, and it kills folks who said something mean About the car.
It's real good so far.
- Let me tell y'all about the worst date I ever been on.
This was my first baby's father.
We stand in this line for over two hours to take pictures.
We get up to the front, and this was his dance.
Get up to the front.
He said, "do you got some money?" - [gasp.]
- Do you understand me? Then the boy looked me in my face, and I said, "does hell Go with no?" But the argument was so rich.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, I felt like we connected, and I knew in that Moment when he was hollerin' and screamin' at me in that Parking lot, I said, "I'm gonna give him some.
" - I gave a guy some because he opened my car door for me, And I thought that was polite.
So I blew him.
- You know, they've never made a perfect prison.
Two words about, uh, prison escape: Plumbin'.
You know? You flush the terlet, that turd's gonna end up Somewhere outside of these walls, and, uh, if a turd can Make it out, so can we.
- ♪ ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh ♪ - This is maria stone reporting live From the washoe county penitentiary.
I'm standing here with new acting district attorney Scott greenberg.
There has been a warrant issued For the arrest of, uh, district attorney mike powers, As new dna evidence, uh, has linked him to a series Of prostitute murders and decapitations.
So, if you come in contact with mr.
Powers--and let me Tell you, he's very charismatic.
He's a very nice guy.
He compliments you very easily.
Uh, do not--do not take this into your own hands.
He is a dangerous person.
- And what does this mean to the deputies of reno's Sheriff's department? - Well, they're probably gonna walk, scot-free.
Yeah, yeah.
- Well, congratulations on your new position, mr.
Greenberg.
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, I'm having a party tonight.
They're throwing me a party.
They--do you have e-mail? - This is maria stone reporting live.
[tires screech.]
[siren.]
[siren.]
- Tonight, reno's finest are back on the street.
Released on parole, they are ineligible for civil service, But they are free, free to do anything they want, anything Except wear a badge.
The gates are opening here at washoe county penitentiary.
The deputies of reno are just moments away from freedom.
Sir, excuse me.
How does it feel to be a private citizen again? - Um, it's great.
Uh, I'm glad I'm not a cop.
Uh, fuck cops, and, uh, suck my dick.
- You have beautiful eyes.
- I know.
- How do you feel about district attorney mike powers? - Oh, there's no hard feelings.
You know, people-- People do what they do, and, you know, c'est la vie.
- And you're not interested in finding him And arresting him? - No.
I'm mostly interested in going home, taking a nice quick Whore's bath, and then heading out to hometown buffet.
- You know, we watch you every single night at 10:00.
Every night.
Boys, uh, [bleep.]
off to you.
Good to meet you, though.
- Take him to the rack, take him to the rack.
There it is! Ohh! - Ok.
Ok, ok, all right.
- Play some defense now.
- Now, now.
Oh, spin it.
- No.
- Boom! - God! - Yes.
Life is, uh, treating me pretty darn good.
Both jonesie and I are, uh, s.
E.
O.
S here at-- - Uh, security enforcement officers.
- Here at the beautiful washoe county mall.
We're, uh--we're in here in a nice, uh, Climate-controlled environment.
- And that also makes, uh, climate-controlled criminals.
- Yeah.
Pretty much, uh, you know, we don't have to yell "freeze," Or "drop the gun, son of a bitch.
" It's like, "hey, get out of the fountain.
Leave santa alone.
" You know? - "please don't do that.
" - "don't steal that stuff from the food buffet.
" You know? - "come on, you guys.
" - "come on, hey.
" - "seriously.
For real, don't.
" - "stop putting slugs into the video arcade machines, Or I'll, uh, shine my flashlight on you.
" We love the new uniforms, by the way.
I mean, I'm loving this color.
- They're light - Cotton, breathable.
Not that, uh, crappy, uh, baghdad beige we wear.
- Yeah.
That was disgusting.
- Oh, man.
- And it didn't do anything forYour eyes.
- [snorting and hocking.]
Oh, come on.
Talk to me.
[snorts.]
Ahh.
Ohh.
Come on.
There was sort of a little dark period there where I kind Of just laid in bed eating peanut butter For about 9 days.
And then I'd fallen asleep on the street one day, and there Was a bus bench ad that said something along the lines of Number one.
Someone was number one.
Some lawyer or somebody was number one, and I thought, "good god.
I got half my life ahead of me.
"it's time to--I'm number one.
It's time for me to take my shot at number one.
" And here I am, trying out for "american idol!" I'm going to hollywood! I'm just practicing that.
I'm not going yet, obviously.
- Well, since leaving prison, Things have been going pretty well for me.
I opened my own bed and breakfast in my house.
Ok, just a second.
Georgie? Uh, one sandwich per person.
Ok? So, let's not, uh--I saw that you had one earlier.
Excuse me, betty.
So this is mine.
Ok.
If you're in the reno area, you should check out trudy's Scratching post, bed and breakfast, In the reno-tahoe area.
Betty, can I get a tea? If you would like to come and stay, it's not very expensive, And you can stay in my living room.
I sleep in the master bedroom, but you can--there's plenty Of room in the living room.
Just bring a sleeping bag, and it's cozy and fun, And we have--if you like board games, we have sorry.
It's almost bedtime, you guys.
We go to bed at, like, 4:00.
And if you like animals, I have 13 cats, so come And give 'em a squeeze.
Uh, but not the black one, because he bites.
Mmm.
Honey, this is lukewarm.
Can you heat this up, please? [loudly.]
thank you! She's hard of hearing and dumb as a post, but what a doll.
That's good, georgie.
Please don't run into the furniture.
- Bitch, you better shut that baby up! - Don't tell me what to do! [gunshot.]
- Since I got out of jail, I've changed.
Do you see this? Huh? Ha! Nothin' but pure joy! Why? 'cause I'm not a cop no more.
Let's take a look at this! [car alarm.]
Start gettin' excited, people.
This is a winner! - This one has more bars, I think, On the windows than the other one.
- Yeah, but you know what? Bars not only keep people out, but they keep stuff in.
- Sure.
They keep stuff in-- - All right, now, this is beautiful.
You're only gonna be able to look through the windows, Though, 'cause I can't let you go inside.
- Oh, because of the "sheriff's line, Do not cross," yellow-- - Do not cross, yellow.
However, there is an upside, and that is that you'll get to Keep all the furniture inside - Mmm.
- That's not evidence.
Huh? Huh! [tires screech.]
[siren.]
[siren.]
- Hands inside the vehicle! Ohh.
See, as a cop, I had to enforce all kinds of rules.
Here I got one: Hands inside the vehicle.
You know what? Sometimes I don't enforce it.
What the fuck? This is the life, boy.
It really don't get no better than this.
Seein' the world, travelin' the country, gettin' to be my Own boss pretty much, 'cause mr.
Johnson's always drunk.
Been here for 5 days, still got all my fingers.
That's right.
I never get tired of this song.
They play this song all day.
It plays this, and it plays "ooh, that smell," By lynyrd skynyrd.
You know, this--this beats being a cop.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Let me just check my "to do" list for the day.
Oh, shit! I ain't got a "to do" list! I done it! I done everything! Whoo.
Got to watch it.
Last time I went in there for a beer, I got clocked pretty good.
Hey, baby, mustache rides! Yeew! - I'm out of jail, and I'm living my dream.
You know what I realized? I'm not meant to be a cop.
I am not meant to be a magician's assistant.
I was not meant to go to college.
I was not meant to donate blood.
I am a babylon sister, and I was meant to shake it With steely dan, motherfuckers! Whoo! Owh, owh, owh! I think of the dan the way a lot of people think Of the dead, uh, in that their music is the soundtrack to my Whole life.
And using the thing that I know how to do with people's Heads, I am going to get them to change the title of that Song from "hey, nineteen," to "hey, thirty-five and holding.
" I'm gonna do it.
I swear.
I am gonna just party my ass off.
I've already gotten started, huffing a little hairspray In the bathroom.
So you know what? Who needs, you know, a steady paycheck and a $10 co-payment When you got this? - We're--we're lovin' it.
It's great, just great to have the freedom, you know, To do what you want to do.
This is our world.
It's like one of those biodomes.
- We're going to go to, uh, barbados next week.
- Next week, and we're gonna try snorkeling.
- Yeah.
- Looking forward to that.
- And some surfing and - And then some surfing and some senoritas - Yeah.
- In barbados.
- Maybe we'll get you an earring.
Huh? - Well, maybe.
Maybe I'll get a tattoo on the ankle or something.
- That's a little gay.
- [whistles.]
- Hey! Hoo-hoo! Git.
Go.
- Hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh.
Listen, uh, I don't know.
Can you, uh, read the mall rules? There's no skateboards in the mall.
- It doesn't say that.
It says no loitering, and I didn't see anything that said No skateboards.
- Hey, don't tell me what I think you said or saw.
Ok? - Respect this.
You see this? You see what that is? Can you read? What does it say? - "security officer.
" - Yeah.
- Security enforcement officer.
S.
E.
O.
Remember those initials, ok? - Look at that.
See that? - Yeah.
I mean, I just don't understand-- - Where you going? - I'm just-- - You don't understand what, english? - Uh, buh, buh, buh.
What? Uh, buh, buh.
Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
- Buh, buh.
Buh, buh.
- Tell your friends, no loitering.
- They said no loitering.
- Take your crap.
Get out of here.
We don't wan to ever see you again, all right? - Pick it up! You've lost your mall privileges.
You've lost them.
Go! - Get out.
- Go! - Get out.
- I'm going.
- That's right.
- Ha! - Ha ha ha! Little - Ok.
Son of a bitch! - You're fucking dead! Yo! Oh, fuck! You're dead! - You're dead! [siren.]
- You know what, prison was fun.
People might not think that, um, you know, being locked up In prison for a, you know, unknown amount of time Would be fun, but for me, um, just sort Of knowing that I had someplace to go The next day was fun for me.
And they have a very good suicide watch program there.
- [people cheering.]
- Higher.
Higher, higher, higher! Higher, higher! - 1,475, bob.
- Ohh.
Dishwashers aren't that expensive.
[telephone rings.]
That guy's gonna lose.
I told you.
[applause and cheering.]
[beep.]
- Trudy wiegel, do you recognize this voice? It's your old buddy mike powers.
I know where you are, trudy.
I can see you right now, petting that stupid cat.
I'm gonna get you.
I'm coming for you and your frien-- [beep.]
[telephone rings.]
[beep.]
- Uh, hey, trudy, mike powers again.
I'm coming to kill you and all your friends.
- That's the guy who put me in prison.
[siren.]
- It's mike powers! - We're gonna play a little game.
It's called dig your own grave.
- Mike, we were just following orders.
If you're gonna kill anybody, it's dangle.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck? - [clementine screams.]
- Ohh! Ow! Ohh! mtv networks Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- - Hey carl, good to see you.
- What's up, carl? - Hey, missy.
Is that a new bicycle you're driving there? Looking good.
- Lawd, come on, miss clementine.
Youse knows how to make corn bread, greens, and chitlins, Fried chicken, and a butter pound cake.
- Lawdie, I'm gonna have me some of them, mmm, Fine ham bones and chitlins-- - No, you're the white lady.
- Oh.