Rosehaven (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

1 (DANIEL GROANS) What are you doing back there? None of them are chilled.
Uh, it's 10am and you're drinking.
The temperature is the least of your problems.
- I'm not drinking it.
- Wuss! I'll drink it.
No, it's for Brian, who bought 29 Stafford Street.
I bought a bunch, but I forgot to put them in the fridge.
Hopefully it'll chill before he gets here.
Do we shake it and spray it on him like race car drivers? Or does he spray it on us? We give it to him and he drinks it at home.
Pfft! Boring! Oh, we got another inquiry for Farland Street too.
Oh, really? That's great.
Did they find us on the website? - They did.
- Mmm! I told you updating it was a good idea.
Did I tell you Mum actually said "good job" to me yesterday? You told me many times.
Just thought I did a good job, said, "Good job.
" So what? I found five bucks in my jeans.
Oh, that's mine.
I lost five bucks.
- In my jeans? - Yes.
They look good on me.
(PHONE DINGS) Oh, sweet! - What? - We got a review.
What review? I listed us on Google so people could leave reviews online.
We just got our first one.
Oh! Well, this calls for champagne.
- Just buy your own.
- It's 10am.
I don't want the bottle shop guy thinking less of me than he already does.
Actually, Mrs Marsh, can you read it, please? "Very unprofessional.
" What?! One star?! (CORK POPS) Whoo! One star isn't good.
Well, it's open now.
Yeah, we know Even if we had so far to go Even if the pace is slow Well, I'll be coming home to you again If we find Something to feel that we belong If we could right all the wrongs Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
Don't worry about it.
Even Space Jam got bad reviews.
Whenever someone searches for us, "very unprofessional" will come up.
You know, we're salespeople.
No-one's gonna want to list with us if they read that.
At least they're searching for us.
And it's only one review.
Yeah, but we don't have any other ones.
And we can't take it down either.
It's just up there forever.
They didn't even have to provide proof.
They just put it up and, boom, we're unprofessional.
I'll put one up.
"Very professional.
Six stars.
" No, if someone finds out you work here, it'll look worse.
We need to find Mel and get them to take it down.
Have you ever been in contact with someone called Mel? Don't think so.
Well, you must have dealt with someone.
Why me? I say this with the utmost respect, but if someone was gonna write a review about someone in the office not being professional, it's probably gonna be about the person with the stegosaurus on their desk.
- You bought me that.
- But not to put on your desk.
Maybe the review was about you.
(SCOFFS) Well, I doubt it.
Mum said "good job", remember? Well, it could have been about Barbara.
Or Mrs Marsh.
We don't know.
Maybe Mel's another realtor who's trying to tear us apart and this is exactly what she wants.
How would you feel about wearing a blazer? - Pig.
- Well, it's just a thought.
- It wouldn't be all the time - No, look, there's a pig.
What? - Oh, just ignore it.
It'll go away.
- Ignore it? If we look at it, it's our problem.
If we don't, it's someone else's.
I'm already looking at it.
Let's just focus on being more professional.
Absolutely.
Right after I make friends with this pig.
- No.
Em - Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! - (SHOP BELL RINGS) - Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Oh! Look at it! Just leave it.
I think it's lost.
Maybe it knows exactly what it's doing and you're disturbing its plans.
Maybe its plans are to find new friends.
You did it! Someone will own it.
It'll probably just walk home.
- Let's bring it into the office.
- I don't think Mum will like that.
Well, she didn't like me at first either.
- Yeah, but you're not a pig.
- What if it gets hit by a car? It managed to get this far just fine.
Can you just go in the kitchen and get some snacks? We don't have any pig food.
All food is pig food.
Just do it.
How many bad reviews will we get if people found out we let a pig die? (SCOFFS) That won't happen.
It will, because I'll be the one writing them.
I'll bring us down from the inside.
Don't think I won't.
(GROANS) Hey, buddy.
Do you want to come in the office? - You want to come? Come on, Daniel! - Coming! - Tea bags?! - You said all food is pig food.
Fine.
Hold the door.
You want to come in? Yeah, that's it.
Come on.
Oh! It's nice in the office.
- Well, this is great.
- It's working! This'll give us the edge over other agencies.
Good boy, yes! Ohh, walking, walking.
Shut the door! That's my desk.
Yes, it's mine.
Mrs Marsh, do you know who might own this pig? It might be from the butcher.
Oh, of course, the butcher.
So I'll give them a call.
No! You can't call the butcher.
What if he's escaped? - That's why I'm calling the butcher.
- The butcher will kill him! Em, you eat bacon all the time.
You had some on the weekend.
No, I ate YOUR bacon.
So, technically, you killed a pig and I was just making sure it didn't die in vain.
- (SCOFFS) - Just wait! Please don't call the butcher.
I haven't made a mistake in ages.
Please, can I just hang out with a pig? Just for a bit? (PIG GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Oh, he's so thirsty! Maybe he's wild.
Does Tasmania have wild pigs? I don't think so.
Wild pig.
Out there in the wild.
You've seen some things.
Oh! One star! Do you think they even care who they're hurting? Like, what the consequences are? Mrs Marsh, have you ever come in contact with someone called Mel? No.
OK, could you do a search of all our records and see if we've ever dealt with, or are dealing with, someone called Mel? Possibly short for Melissa, or Melinda, or You could check the computer.
There's a Melvin at the Kemp Street flat.
The fox terrier? Well, you never pat him.
Any luck? He needs a name.
- No.
- He looks like a George.
Hi, George! His name is "generic pig that we have to give back"'.
He doesn't mean it, George.
You're cleaning it up if he poos or wees anywhere.
- So you're cleaning vomit? - No, no.
Anything out of any hole is your responsibility.
Hi, Mum.
How are you? Why is there a pig in my office? What did you call me? He was lost.
Right, so he just opened the door and walked in, did he? Well, uh, we coaxed him in.
Um one of us more than the other.
- Have you called the butcher? - We're not calling the butcher.
- What's the problem? You eat bacon.
- Not anymore.
- Neither does Daniel.
- I haven't agreed to that.
Well, if it belongs to the butcher, we just have to return it.
As inconvenient as it might seem, theft is illegal.
What if they kill George? George? - Emma named him.
- Mrs Marsh named him.
Oh, God! What if he's someone pet? Don't get your hopes up.
Um, Mum, we have another problem.
Is there a cow in the kitchenette? No.
We got a one-star review.
What are you talking about? If you look up McCallum Real Estate online, next to our office is a one-star review, out of five.
So? Well, they said we were "very unprofessional".
- Who said that? - Mel.
- Mel who? - Well, we don't know.
Have you worked with or are you working with someone called Mel? - Could be a fake name.
- Oh, could be a fake name.
I don't care what some random person on the internet said.
It's our only review.
If you're so worried about being unprofessional, don't bring a pig into the office.
I agree.
It was her idea.
Go and buy a leash and a blanket.
- Are we keeping him? - No.
We're gonna tie him up outside until I can figure out who owns him.
You've seen Babe.
They don't need leashes.
- It wasn't a doco.
- Go.
- I'll stay and keep him company.
- No, you don't.
I don't want you getting any more attached.
Can you send me photos if he does something cute? Sorry, I mean WHEN he does something cute.
(DOOR CLOSES) I don't think Mum understands what a big deal this is.
I know! In some cultures, a pig in the office is probably good luck.
No, I'm talking about the review.
Still? You can't control what people say about you online.
I could post a 10-minute video talking about how much you stink.
I'll post an 11-minute video talking about how much YOU stink.
We should make a video about George.
While we can.
I know it sucks, but Mum's right.
We need to find out who owns him.
What if someone was gonna eat you and you escaped and then some strangers were trying to take you back to get eaten? Well, if I was a pig, I don't think I could comprehend what was happening, so I probably wouldn't care.
Pigs are really smart, you know.
Can they track people? Maybe he can find Mel.
Mel's not a truffle.
You're not gonna let this go, are you? We got one star! And now we've got a pig running around the office, we'll probably get more bad ones.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, let's get George a little shirt and tie.
Or you could wear a blazer like I suggested.
What's wrong with what I wear? It's it's a little casual.
Yeah.
My look is approachable, functional, yet comfortable.
Basically, it's cardigans.
I just want us to look like we know what we're doing.
Steve Jobs wore turtlenecks.
And The Wiggles.
Are you gonna start wearing turtlenecks now? No! Gross.
This place is huge! - Do you need any worming tablets? - No, I'm good.
- What colour leash should we get him? - I don't think he'll mind.
It doesn't really matter.
We're not keeping him.
WOMAN: Hi.
Do you guys need a hand? We've got a special on feedbags today.
Two feedbags for the price of one and a half feedbags.
We need a leash for a pig about this big, but it doesn't matter what colour, because Daniel doesn't care if it lives or dies.
This is Daniel.
We also need a blanket.
Sure.
I'd recommend something like this.
Cheap but sturdy if you're not gonna be needing it long.
Oh, 'cause he'll be dead soon? I mean, you can say it.
We're not gonna need it long because we're going to kill George.
So Daniel can eat him, probably.
Daniel.
Right here.
- I'm sorry, is the pig a pet or ? - Oh, no, it's not a pet.
And if you're looking to slaughter, our man Gary can cut him up for you.
Oh, no, no, thank you.
Has anyone come in today asking about a pig they lost? No.
Right.
Uh, then just the leash, please.
And a blanket, just enough to make sure he stays warm outside.
Oh, so you care if he's warm but not if he's dinner? Why don't we skip the blanket and get him an oven? We had chicken parmas two weeks ago, with ham, and you finished off mine.
That was before I met this pig.
Oh, so you thought ham was vegetarian? It's not.
It doesn't grow on plants.
It grows on pigs.
Is that everything? Um I don't suppose the owner is around? Uh, hi Bob? Yes.
Are you the owner here? I am.
Is there a problem? Oh, no, no, I actually just wanted to say I had an excellent time in the store today.
Very helpful staff.
- Ah.
Well, that's good to hear.
- Yeah, no worries.
I'll certainly be leaving a glowing review online.
Excuse me? Uh, just when you search Western Animal Supplies, you'll see my review up there with five stars, of course.
Oh, right.
Thanks.
Uh, no worries.
Listen, I'm from McCallum Real Estate, two Cs, two Ls, and I was just wondering, if I left you a good review, would you consider leaving us one? Only if you wanted to.
I just think it's a great way for small businesses like ours to help each other out.
Listen, mate, I've got a lot of work to do.
You know, we've got the special on feedbags.
Oh, yeah, and it's a great deal.
Yep, sorry to interrupt.
Just a thought.
Um, thanks again for having me, and I'll I'll post that review now, so See you later.
I got a blue one.
You're right.
I do like ham.
And bacon.
Burgers.
Meatballs.
I just don't think about it.
I know I'm a hypocrite, but I just met an animal and I don't want it to die.
Is that so crazy? Mum asked me to help prepare a chicken once.
It still had its feathers on it, and I just I couldn't do it.
Ended up just having salad that night.
I still feel bad, 'cause it had eggs in it.
- The chicken had eggs in it? - No, the salad.
Maybe George is someone's pet.
He's pretty fit-looking.
Could be 'cause he goes on heaps of walks.
Maybe that's why he hasn't gone to the toilet on the floor yet, 'cause he knows how to behave indoors.
And he likes herbal tea, so he's fancy.
- Maybe he lives in a mansion.
- (PHONE DINGS) Oh.
Got another review.
What's it say? "McCallum Real Estate just tried to elicit a good review from me despite me not using their services.
I found this to be very unprofessional.
" One star?! Bob backstabbed me! - Who's that? - The owner of Western Animal Supplies.
He must have wrote it as soon as I walked out.
Did you? Try and elicit a good review from him? Well well, only if he wanted to.
I gave them five stars.
- So? Reviews don't matter.
- They do matter.
- As soon as you go on the webs - Hey! Let it go.
I gave YOU five stars.
I I just think it's a bit mean, is all.
Yeah, but you used our services.
I haven't used yours.
I certainly won't be now.
OK, well, maybe I'll give you one star.
Were you dissatisfied with my service? Oh, no, um - What did I do wrong? - Oh, n nothing.
Daniel's under a lot of stress today because his friend George is probably gonna die.
Oh.
It's a pig.
Still very upsetting.
Come on, Dan.
OK.
Clearly this is very important to you.
Maybe I could be a teeny bit more professional.
- Would that help? - Thanks.
It's not even that good a deal! It was my idea.
Oh.
Um (GEORGE GRUNTS) TOY: Warning! Warning! There.
Now, I'm not throwing anything out, but doesn't that look better? - It looks boring.
- It looks professional.
Now, how would you feel about losing the cardigan? See? That looks great.
I'd buy a house from you.
- I'm cold.
- You can wear my blazer.
- Uh-uh.
- OK, baby steps.
Um, I was also hoping we could change your email signature.
What's wrong with my email signature? "Sent from Emma Dawes, McCallum Real Estate, Rosehaven.
" "Tasmania, Australia.
" "The Earth, hurtling through space.
" "And into your dreams.
" - It's - Fine.
Anything else? Yes.
If I print something out, please walk it over to me.
Don't fold it into a paper plane and throw it at me.
It's a time-saver.
Neither of us have to get up.
Yes, but most of the time, it doesn't reach me.
- That's why I need the practice.
- OK, just Fine.
No planes.
Is that it? Uh oh, stop trying to get the office to do Mexican waves.
- What? Everyone loves that! - Just Please.
Oh, and when I yawn, stop poking me in the ribs.
That's not a work one.
It's just really annoying.
Fine.
Overall, just be a bit more serious.
So don't be myself? Only when there's a customer around.
O K.
(SHOP BELL CHIMES) Brian.
Uh, you said to drop in.
Yes Good morning, sir.
Uh, hi.
Aren't you cold? So, uh, did you want me to sign some more papers or Oh, no.
Wanted to give you a little gift.
- Uh, cheers, Em.
- Uh Uh, just a thankyou for buying your first house with McCallum Real Estate.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - With our compliments.
- Thank you.
Most expensive bottle of champagne I've bought! (CHUCKLES) Uh, yeah, and as someone who has used our services now, if you would like to leave us a review online, we'd really appreciate the feedback.
Oh, you can leave reviews? Uh, yeah, just on Google.
And, uh, no need to read the other ones.
Oh.
Thanks again for this.
Oh, no worries.
Thanks for choosing McCallum Real Estate.
Have a pleasant day.
(SHOP BELL CHIMES) - (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, God! What was that? I was being serious! - You were like a robot.
- I wasn't! This? - You look angry.
- Oh! That's what Barbara does.
- What do I do? - Serious face.
Aren't you cold? Yes! I just got off the phone.
The pig is from the butcher's.
(GASPS) She left the back gate open and he got out.
Is he the butcher's pet? I didn't ask.
But she'll you know Well, she can do what she wants.
It's not our property.
Daniel, drop the pig off, please.
Do you think he's OK in the back like that? I mean, I can put out my arm if we stop suddenly, but will he bite? - This isn't the way to the butcher.
- It is not.
So, where are we going? Animal rescue.
I found one.
Will they accept a pig? A toilet-trained genius like this one? Straight in.
So we're stealing a pig and you're kidnapping me? We are saving a pig, and no-one's stopping you from opening the door and doing a dive roll.
- Are you in or out? - (SIGHS) Do you really want him to die today? - No.
I'm in.
- Yes! You are going straight to heaven.
(PHONE RINGS) - It's Mum.
- Oh.
Uh, stall her.
- How? - I don't know! I'm putting her on speaker.
You do it.
No! BARBARA: Daniel? Hi, Mum.
How are you? It's me.
Daniel.
Your son.
On the phone.
- Have you dropped the pig off yet? - Nearly.
What's taking so long? Cathy's only up the road.
Uh, yes.
Uh, we Hi, Barbara.
Uh, listen.
Emma, have you stolen the pig? He gave us the slip, Barbara.
We are looking for him right now.
Is he in the back seat? Uh Where are you taking him? Mum, I'm gonna hang up right now.
Please find it in your heart to forgive us when we get back.
Daniel That was close.
It's not your fault, George.
This is bullshit.
They call themselves a wildlife sanctuary? A pig isn't wildlife.
Well, I didn't know that! I mean, he's not a person! What about a farm? A farm might eat him too.
No farm.
Can he stay with you and Grace until we figure this out? Yeah, I I don't think that's gonna work.
We don't even have a fence.
Well, the spare room, then.
Just until I find someone.
I really don't want to keep a stolen pig at my house.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh.
Oh, Brian left a review.
"I like the house I bought, but the woman seemed mad at me for something.
I told a joke and she just stared at me.
" What woman? "And the champagne wasn't cold.
" I just grabbed one off the bench.
One star! Ugh! - That's three stars now.
- They're not cumulative! Maybe we are a one-star business.
You know, we're supposed to be at work right now, but instead, we've stolen a pig.
I think we should take him to the butcher and head back to the office.
Nah.
You don't have to do anything.
I'm just gonna take him to a secret location, which may or may not be your old cubbyhouse, and secretly take care of him forever.
(POLICE SIREN BLEEPS) Was I speeding? I don't know.
(GASPS) That pig wants bacon.
- No, Em - No, it's not happening today.
- Emma - We've come so far! - No, no, no - I just I didn't see him.
- I can see him.
- Doesn't matter if you can see him.
- This piggy is going home! - Emma Emma.
Daniel.
- Hi, Greg.
- Hi, Greg.
I had a phone call from Barbara that you two had stolen Cathy's pig.
Don't know what you're talking about.
We were gonna return him.
- After he died of old age.
- Yeah.
Look, I'm really sorry about this, but I'm gonna have to escort you both to the butcher's now.
- Cuff me.
- What? I will not drive this pig to that butcher.
Cuff me.
(GROANS) Uh Hang on.
Wait a sec.
I think they're in the glove box.
And a gun, 'cause you'll have to shoot me.
Well, taser me.
And put it on a low setting.
Please.
Em, we tried.
Do you really think George would want you to get tasered? That's a very complex thought for a pig.
They're very smart.
We did everything we could.
You can drive.
I must have left them at the station.
We can pick them up on the way if you like.
Come on, George.
Come on, buddy.
That's it.
Come on.
This isn't going on our record, is it, Greg? I don't know.
I hadn't thought about that.
- Maybe it should.
- No, it doesn't have to.
Well, let's wait and see what Cathy says.
I would like it on record that I tried to escape.
George.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to write it up.
No, too much paperwork.
Actually, I quite enjoy writing the reports.
The other day, I caught a man, mid-40s, throwing an apple core onto the ground.
You'd think that'd barely manage a paragraph, but when you really dig into what must have been going through his mind I I don't think George likes me.
For starters, he was quite near a bin, so we're not dealing with laziness.
- George, you're being unreasonable.
- This man had made a choice.
He said it was biodegradable and it was gonna end up on the ground at the tip anyway.
George Which made me think that perhaps the litter laws were more about Come on, George.
aesthetics rather than protecting the environment.
Attaboy.
Anyway, report ended up being five pages by the time I sent it off.
- And someone reads that? - I'm not sure.
Come on.
Come on.
- Hello, Cathy.
- Hi, Greg.
Handcuffs? Her idea.
I just need to say, this pig is very smart and really nice to me and he doesn't deserve to be hot dogs.
And I know I'm a hypocrite, but he's not just a pig.
George is now a friend and You mean Ned? - What? - His name's Ned.
Ned? Yeah, Ned.
So he IS your pet? Yeah.
Thought you'd go for a walk to the real estate office, did you? Looking for your own place, mate? You're not gonna kill him? No, no.
My niece met him and fell in love.
And if she ever comes round to visit and Ned's not around, she loses it.
- And he's not bad company.
- (GRUNTS) You want to press charges, Cathy? Want to press charges, Ned? Nuh.
We're good.
Should we get some sausages to celebrate? It was obviously a joke.
I'll see you back at the office.
- Do you think he misses us? - Probably.
- Me especially.
- Pfft! Yeah, right.
- Salad for dinner? - Yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES) We got another review.
You know what? Don't care.
Not gonna look.
Well done.
Can you please look? We got five stars! No way.
Really? "Thank you, McCallum Real Estate, for taking such good care of Ned.
" And the internet doesn't know Ned's a pig.
It could be a property mogul.
Go, team! Mrs Marsh? Mexican wave! Fine.
Barbara! Coming your way! Whoo! Did somebody die in this house? Uh You said "little old lady".
Maybe she was massive.
A massive old lady? He loved the place and I didn't want to ruin it for him.
I mean, the fact someone died in there doesn't change anything about the property.
(SOBS) This is too much.
I want out.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
- What's going on? - We're having a wake.
- Hey! - Nailed it! You have to sign it.
It's all creased.
Where's the other page? Wait You also got a package.
I'm kidding.
Nah, I'm not!