Run the Burbs (2022) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Woke up in the mornin' ♪
Living like go, let's
go, today is my day ♪
Aw.
I miss the kids just finding
rocks and bringing them home.
Oh, and leaving them in their pants
till we found them in the laundry.
Mm-hmm.
- Keep.
- Keep. Yep.
- KHIA: Seriously. How much?
- LEO: I'd pay a dollar.
KHIA: Shut up. The canvas
cost more than that.
Not since you ruined it.
Okay. How much would
you guys pay for this?
- Priceless.
- A million. Priceless.
I'm going to do 20 bucks.
Because you want 15?
What?
They don't know the art of selling.
ANDREW: Demonstration time.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(IN POSH BRITISH ACCENT)
Well, hello there, neighbour.
Beautiful day for a yard sale.
(IN LOWER-CLASS BRITISH ACCENT)
We're actually selling our goods
because money is quite tight right now.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Guilt is a powerful selling tool.
ANDREW: I'm looking for a hat.
This one's all right.
A little worn, though.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Buyers
are always looking for flaws.
So, you counter with the value.
Oh, but look at that stitching.
Best I can offer is $20.
Oh, $30.
21.50.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Thirty. Firm!
Well, then, maybe I'll just go.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
The walkaway. The powerful
and they're gone.
Nice. They're ready.
It was so hot, how firm you were on 30.
The firmer, the better.
(IN ACCENT) Oh, but
I'm so firm at 21.50.
Oh, I can't possibly budge from that.
RAMESH: I do appreciate your hospitality
as I search for a new home,
but something must be done
about the water pressure
in your bathroom.
Or you could use the other shower,
as we've mentioned many times.
And share a bathroom with teenagers?
Ha! I think not.
Green light Sally, tatty ♪
Moved from the burbs
but I still get ratchet ♪
Ken, looking fresh in that visor.
Hey, Ravi. Nine-and-a-half, right?
Come on. I got you. Hey, remember.
The Andrew Pham table has
got something for everyone.
- Uh, 15.
- Fifty.
- Twenty-five?
- A hundred.
Inflation is real.
Fifty was uh, was good.
Thank you.
KHIA: Okay. I'm impressed.
But didn't you just
get that shirt for work?
Oh, celebs can't re-wear
the same clothes on TV.
The audience always comments.
You've done, like, three shows.
Three memorable shows.
Is Nanaji really selling his couch?
CAMILLE: (SIGHING) Not at that price.
- Can you watch my table?
- Yep.
(HUDSON IMITATING DOG BARKING, HOWLING)
Is that my dawg?
Oh, let me check.
If lost, return to Hudson Hawksley.
Looks like it, dawg.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man, I've barely seen you lately.
Oh.
How's Rockridge's newest
community development coordinator?
I'm good. Got that sweet corner office.
Making moves on my
neighbourhood projects.
But the best part is when
you work for Rockridge,
you get priority camp registration.
Man. Mannix and Khia used
to live on those waitlists.
I know. And for Leo's
last summer of camp,
I got him into the good dance camp.
The teacher was in the Jabbawockeez.
Almost.
And I'm ready to isolate and dominate.
(POPPING)
(ROBOTIC WHIRRING)
Hey. No squeezing the merch.
(BOTH ROBOTIC WHIRRING)
CAMILLE: Oh, wow.
How old are your wooden
spoons? Actually, never mind.
Mine are nicer.
Okay. I don't need your stuff,
and Dad, you've been here two weeks.
So, can you get rid
of some of these boxes?
It's only temporary.
I've got my eyes peeled
for just the right condo.
I know, you're looking
for apartments, though,
and you got enough stuff for a house.
- I'm already selling my couch.
- For $4,000.
Fine. I'll sell my entire life, too.
CAMILLE: Dad
- okay. Come on.
- Happy now?
Yes.
The passion. The angst. I feel it.
Would you consider selling
everything to me in bulk?
Um, that'll be a hun um
five hundred dollars.
Oh. Well,
I only have, uh,
one, two, three
you know what?
I'm going to give you the
good-neighbour discount.
Okay. Great.
ANDREW: "Good-neighbour discount"?
Yes! (LAUGHING)
I'm going to have a car in no time.
A car? No. I'm not ready.
Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're selling your toy rocket
from our trip to Florida?
No! Not Mr. Bingo.
That's what I said.
This is my last year before high school.
Teenagers don't need
stuffies. They need
deodorant.
We got this on your first
trip to the Calgary Stampede.
It cost me 50 bucks to
win, and you loved him.
Dad, chill. I'm becoming my own man.
- Ah.
- Watch my table.
I need a cardigan. Bones
are feeling the breeze.
(IN TOY VOICE) Ooh. I guess
it's just me and you, Khia.
Why are you like this?
(IN TOY VOICE) To break the social norms
of how society views Asian parents. Woo!
When I got my eyes
on something-something ♪
Then you know it's going down ♪
Hey, Marisol. How's little Juan?
Good.
I'm really hoping we can get
him into a summer camp tomorrow.
I hear you.
Those registration days are rough.
Speaking of, I heard a rumour
that you're working with Bob now.
Oh, not a rumour.
Well, it is so nice to have
some real neighbourhood
representation on the inside.
Oh.
Bob's never really there for us.
Forget about Bob. Whatever
you need, you come to me.
For anything. Including
all your VHS needs.
Right.
- Is that "Swept off my cleats"?
- Oh.
Director's cut. Only released
in the former Yugoslavia.
Oh, incoming. Mama's got a fan.
You do the cooking segment on
"Good Morning Gloria," right?
Guilty.
- Can I get a selfie?
- Get in here, girl.
Okay.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Can you do the line?
You know, "make sure it "
"simmers till it glimmers."
Amazing. Is there any
way I could get a copy
of the panipuri recipe
you teased last week?
Of course. One of my mom's specialties.
I'll make a copy.
Khia, watch my table.
Okay.
Hey. Back for more, I see.
I brought friends.
They want the Andrew
Pham guarantee, too.
I knew VHS would make a comeback. Okay.
Well, I sold my couch,
for a song, by the way.
Uh, have you seen my cookbook?
It was on the counter earlier.
Next to your boxes.
Ah.
Well, perhaps your selling coercions
inadvertently resulted in your
cookbook being sold as well.
You sold my cookbook?
The one that my mother
passed down to me,
the one that I've based
my entire career around.
Okay. To who?
To whom.
- Dad?
- I believe Sebastian bought it.
So bad it's bad.
Should I come along?
Camille? Should I'll come along.
Sebastian? Sebastian,
we have a problem. Are
are you re-selling all of our stuff?
And making fromage? Heck, yeah.
- (WHISTLING)
- Okay.
So, um, my father sold you a bin
with my cookbook in it.
Because I was forced to.
But it was never for
sale. And I need it back.
Hmm. Cookbook, eh?
Hmm. Ap-ap-ap
well, maybe if I had the 20
bucks back that I spent on it,
my memory would be less foggy.
Mm-hmm. Sebastian, that
cookbook means a lot to me.
- So, give it back.
- Okay, okay. Look.
Everything I bought
is on these tables here
or in my mystery boxes.
Oh, my God. Mystery boxes.
Oh. Okay.
You told me you needed a good price
because you'd been robbed.
Oh, no. I dreamt I was robbed.
You see, the lines of
reality blur for me.
Oh, my God. It's not here.
Did you sell my cookbook?
I don't know. Maybe. I sold a few boxes.
- To who?
- To whom.
Not the time, man!
Where are those boxes?
Uh, around. I mean,
check the pool neighbours.
- The renters, uh
- Argh!
Kyle? Uh
dawg, I had to empty
out my little money bag,
it's so stuffed.
My wares are selling like hotcakes.
Yeah. I saw.
Even the DVD set of
"Harry and the Hendersons,"
season three, huh?
Oh, it's a classic.
I made over $500 so far.
Look. I have been hearing rumours
that you've been taking bribes.
Bribes? For what?
For getting people's
kids into summer camp.
What? I would never take
MARISOL: I'll take these VHS tapes.
And there's a little tip in
here just so you, you know,
do your thang.
Twenty dollars for the shoes.
The rest is for the VIP access.
This is for tomorrow.
Beth Hussein. Soccer camp.
I've been taking bribes.
Taking bribes so you get rich,
other kids can't get into camp.
Hey, Bob. Hey.
I know you've been taking bribes.
Huh. How'd you find out?
Because I've been taking bribes.
It's about time.
You've been at the place long enough.
It was an accident!
Yeah. Me, too. Accident after accident.
I'm reporting you to Robin.
I guess you don't want
Leonard to go to dance camp.
It's Leo, and what the hell
is that supposed to mean?
I made up the employee-camp
perk, like, a decade ago
to put the twins in improv camp.
And then, I had to open it
up to a couple of co-workers
who figured it out. And I
been using it as leverage
ever since in case of rats.
That is so intricate.
And wrong!
Look. You of all
people should understand
the things you do for family.
It's not fair for everyone else.
Fine. The wait list for that camp
was a hundred kids long last
year, and they only take 20.
As the saying goes,
snitches get stitches,
and their kids don't go to dance camp.
Hudson didn't have it.
Young renters didn't have it.
Dr. De la Cruz didn't have it. Any luck?
No. But the pool
neighbours did present me
with this very exciting
business opportunity.
You signed up for an MLM instead
of finding Mom's cookbook?
No, no. This is direct marketing.
You see
- yeah.
- Oh
- CAMILLE: Okay.
- Well
maybe it's in here.
You know, this is your fault, too.
Say what?
You're the one who made
me sell all my things.
The cookbook is all her recipes, Dad.
It's her handwriting.
It's her little notes.
It's my notes, and all the changes
that I've made over the years.
Okay, okay.
Can I offer you these amino
acids as a token of my
you can give me some
space is what you can do.
What's that supposed to mean?
(SIGHING) Everywhere
I turn, there you are.
Interrupting my time with Andrew,
rearranging my cupboards,
dad-spreading all over the house.
- I hardly think dad-spreading describes
- And on top of all of that,
you sold Mom's cookbook.
So, I'm supposed to give away
all my meaningful belongings
to appease you,
and you lose one thing
and I'm the villain?
It isn't one thing, Dad.
It's the thing.
Oh, just walk away.
Always have to have the last word.
Very mature.
ANDREW: Come in. Come
in. Yes. Sit, sit, sit.
Thank you for coming.
We can't thank you enough, Andrew.
It really means the
world to me and Juan.
Oh. He got my hair just right.
Without these camps, we can't
afford childcare in the summer.
You know how expensive
privatized camps are.
Listen.
I called you here because
there's been a misunderstanding.
I can't take your bribes.
Of course. It is not a bribe.
It is an exclusive opportunity. Huh?
- Ah!
- Huh.
No, no, no. No. Please stop winking.
I really didn't mean
to take your bribes.
Hey, is this where we pay the bribes?
Mm-hmm?
Stop! I am not taking
bribes from anyone.
Now, or ever.
I didn't even know Bob was doing this.
Bob takes bribes from
his wealthy friends,
and we can never get our kids into camp.
Yeah. How come only rich
people get to give bribes?
I know the struggle.
Getting kids into
camps feels impossible.
But I can't take your money. It's
what about those on Bob's list, huh?
Are you going to stop them?
I don't think I can.
RAY: Well, great.
I guess we're all screwed, as usual.
No, no. Oh, no. No. Don't
look. I here's your money back.
Please don't be mad.
Still on for Bombay later?
I'll pay. My treat.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
Wow. I'm impressed. You sold it all.
It was easy.
But I need money to pay off
my braces. Please help me.
(KHIA CHUCKLING)
Well, you've officially
sold your childhood
and become a bond villain.
Mr. Bingo would be proud.
Well, I wish Mr. Bingo all
the best on his new journey.
Yeah, right.
Ugh.
Hmm.
Lately I been
spinning out of control ♪
That cookbook was the one
thing that me and my mom shared.
And now, it's gone.
I know.
But your dad's here in your life,
and he's trying to
make a connection, too.
Is being too connected a thing?
It is,
but he was there for us
when we needed a place.
How does someone so smart
get accidentally bribed?
I just thought I was
crushing the yard sale.
So, what are you going to do?
- The right thing.
- Hmm.
(SIGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
WOMAN: "Hello "
- Hey. Robin?
- is what I would have said
if I answered my work phone on weekends.
Leave a message and I'll
get back to you on Monday.
Robin, it's Andrew.
Bob's been taking bribes
and making a priority camp
registration list for his rich friends.
But registration is tomorrow
and it's Saturday today,
so by the time you get
this it'll be too late.
Unless
Unless I do something about it.
Sorry, Robin, but sometimes
you gotta break the rules
to save the rules. Oh-ho!
Pretty lit, right?
I don't think the kids
are saying "lit" anymore.
Ah. That's not very lit of them, is it?
(BOXES THUDDING)
I didn't do it.
♪
HUDSON: Which desk is yours?
ANDREW: The one on the right.
Corner office?
Well, it's in a corner.
- Oh, buddy.
- I know.
Want to talk about your feelings?
Always, but later.
Right now, we got to
hack into the mainframe,
a.k.a. Bob's computer.
Got it?
Classic Gen X.
"Bonerjamz" with a "Z."
(LAUGHING)
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Hey.
You sure you want to delete
all the names off of Bob's list?
- You don't think I should?
- I mean, what about Leo?
The little guy deserves a little privy.
Ah. I love a little privy.
I just can't let Leo
be part of the problem.
It's not fair, and that's
not who the Phams are.
You're a good man.
You do your thing.
I'll be lookout.
What are you doing?
Dad?
- What's going on?
- I'm going to a hotel.
(ZIPPER RASPING)
Seems my presence has become a nuisance.
Okay. You're not going to a hotel.
I am sorry that I blew up at you.
I'm sorry about the book.
It was an accident, but I feel terrible.
(SIGHING)
It seems living together again
has been a bit more of an
adjustment than expected.
I suppose I'm used to
having my own space.
We'll figure it out.
And you can stay here
as long as you need.
We just might need a few boundaries.
RAMESH: Of course.
Perhaps I'll start by putting
more of my things in storage.
Oh. Good idea.
You know
I like your biryani
more than your mother's.
What?
Meaning the cookbook
was a wonderful part
of her life to have,
but lately, I only see you open it up
to make your own additions.
I guess.
Perhaps
this is the universe
suggesting a fresh start.
I have been meaning to
write my own cookbook
ever since I quit my job.
There it is. Heh.
And I'd be happy to help
By staying out of your way.
Thanks, Dad.
Uh, peace offering?
(GLASSES CLINKING)
- Ugh.
- Ooh.
- What is this?
- Amino acids?
How many tubs of this
did you sign up for?
I'd rather not say.
ANDREW: And that's
why we had to break in.
Are you less angry I
ruined your Saturday?
Guess it's better than when
those raccoons trigger the alarm.
Hmm.
You gotta break the
rules to save the rules.
I knew it sounded lit.
I've suspected misconduct for years,
but if Bob has been taking bribes
show me.
(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING)
ANDREW: There you go.
Mm-hmm. Isn't that your son?
Well, Bob told me Rockridge employees
get priority registration.
I swear I didn't know.
I'll deal with it Monday.
Ooh. What are you going to
do? Suspend him? Fire him?
Ooh! Tell him you want to
talk, but schedule the meeting
for 4:45 so he has to
stress out about it all day?
Ah! Was that a smirk?
I swear I'm going to
make you smile one day.
I'm looking forward to it. (SIGHING)
Okay. All clear, buddy.
(SIGHING)
WOMAN ON TV: Hello, cheer masters.
Hey, buddy.
So, I've got some bad news.
Yeah. We heard.
Can you stop saying "lit"?
I thought "lit" was still Gucci.
Turns out I can't guarantee you
that spot in dance camp anymore.
But you promised.
I know, but I made a promise
to the community, too.
We can still try to get you
in the old-fashioned way.
You you get it, right?
Sure. Whatever.
(SIGHING)
Mr. Bingo!
I was going to save it
for your birthday, but
- You bought him back?
- Yeah. It was easy.
"Please. He didn't mean to sell him.
He wets the bed without his
stuffies to comfort him."
What?
I helped Dad win him.
I'm not just going to let
some rando brat have him.
Thanks. I never should've sold him.
Did you buy back my rocket, too?
Oh, I don't love you that much, buddy.
Ugh. Hey.
Hey! Stop that.
Mr. Bingo can't save you now.
Ugh.
So, I have decided to
write my own cookbook.
- Finally!
- Mm-hmm.
Dibs on the first copy.
Fifty bucks.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Sixty if it's signed.
(IN POSH BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, that's very pricey.
Well, there must be
something I can do
physically, hmm?
(GIGGLING) Hmm.
- Dad!
- Sorry, sorry.
I just want to escape before
anything further happens,
potentially damaging
our relationship forever.
- Okay.
- It won't happen again.
Too risky.
(IN POSH BRITISH ACCENT)
Now, now. Where were we?
Mm-hmm.
(RAMESH CLEARING THROAT) I'm sorry.
I forgot my toothbrush.
- Can you get rid of
- Murder someone? Yes.
("GPS" BY PIXEL NEKO PLAYING)
GPS ♪
(SINGING IN VIETNAMESE)
♪
GPS ♪
(SINGING IN VIETNAMESE)