Scrubs s03e01 Episode Script

Before I go into that building and start my day, I always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself.
Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body Not you, sir.
I know not everybody has got a body like you What's the rule about white boys dancing? Not allowed unless you're gay.
Morning, Steven.
Fine.
Then I'll just put on something that rocks.
As a third-year resident, you know everyone so well you can speak for them.
Remember, no more dancing.
Good morning, Bambi.
Sign this, please.
Who you eyeballing, tough guy? And of course Zsa Zsa, you put me in quite the pickle.
You see, with those earphones on you can't hear me, but the odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me.
So, what to do? Hell.
Stop addressing me as Dr Cox in front of your patients.
When they find out my name, they page me with questions when they realise exactly how inept you really are.
And as an added safety measure, from now on, I'll only be responding to Doc, Doctor, Caesar or The Big Cheese, and no, I'm not joking.
Not now.
Not ever.
See, things never really change around here.
Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball.
I'm gonna toast you so bad, your mama ain't even gonna recognise you.
Well, I heard that your sister started drinking again.
I'm still not great at smack talk.
- It's not supposed to be true? - No.
Let it pour, big guy.
Elliot was still searching for something to turn things around.
Isn't she beautiful? This car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low that I think it's worth it, don't you? I just deliver the cars.
She's all yours.
Frick.
The only difference is that by the third year nothing catches you by surprise.
Mrs Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.
So, what's wrong with me, Doctor? Good Lord.
I have no idea.
OK, don't panic.
Just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.
- Got a Code 3 down the hall.
- What's that? Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2.
That's a Code 2.
I cannot figure out what's wrong.
I gotta go ask Cox.
- Ask me.
- You're a surgeon.
You just cut people up.
You don't actually know anything.
Dr Cox.
Big Cheese.
If you're wondering why Dr Kelso's nose is squeaking, about a week ago he was torturing Elliot, and Dr Cox, well Needless to say, there were consequences.
Perry, great news.
I've swung it so that you get to go over to the state pen today and do the annual inmates' physicals.
Hell's bells, Bob-O, if you wanna fire me, just do it.
I would, but even though it was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Saw what happen, sir? So, can you look at her chart? Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass, I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat.
And you're third year now.
Wake up.
This whole "Dr Cox riding into the rescue" part of the show is over.
You're on your own.
Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of Radiology.
You told me my patient had colitis, but it was traveller's diarrhoea.
So? Sounds like good news.
He took it as bad news, maybe cos of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper.
What do you want me to do? Apologise to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal.
Think I'm gonna pass on that one.
I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that won't cause me any trouble no matter what I do.
So thanks for stopping by, and don't forget your car door.
I just don't want it to get stolen, OK? That was me not caring.
What? Now that we can always hear Dr Kelso coming, some people have modified their work habits.
So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy? - Is it serious? - No, Ted.
We swing.
Squeaky's a-comin'.
Bobcat, I was hoping that maybe you could get someone to cover for me out at the prison tonight.
I know that the very idea of you doing a favour for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond.
I can't even remember the last time I saw my son.
You're a father, for God's sake.
You understand, don't you? My son was recently kicked out of his Hare Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie and is now residing in the Portland subway system.
The point is that the only thing I care less about than my son is your son.
Have fun at the big house.
You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anaesthesiologist? - Yes.
No.
- No.
He didn't know I was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight.
If he's paying, get a brother some Sno-Caps.
- Turk, why don't you ever get jealous? - Woman, look at me.
How could someone with all of this be jealous of any of that? You know what I realised when I was dragging my car door around? I can't remember the last good thing that happened to me.
What makes everybody walk all over me? - No self-confidence.
- You can be a baby.
- Your voice is high when you're upset.
- Rhetorical question, OK? - Who wants a smoothie.
- Peach Fizzle.
- Banana Razzmatazz.
- Orange Goo-goo.
Got it.
Mrs Farr, I'm gonna start running tests for everything.
Good luck.
Look at the time.
In a hospital, you can never try to get anything done Friday after 5pm.
Anyone who can actually help you is out of here like a gunshot.
Hello? Anyone? Have a good weekend, Steven.
- Sean? - Hey.
Elliot, how you doing? You look great.
Except the buzz cut is tapping into my recurring dream where my dad makes me marry this army colonel who, it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines.
We become friends, but she smothers him with her thighs and frames me.
I'm doing about the same, too.
I thought you hated this place cos of when you got sick here.
You remember that? - You got sick on my face.
- That wasn't the smoothies.
You said you were falling in love with me.
When I get uncomfortable I hurl.
I know.
I get a little gassy.
This is gonna sound weird, but this is fate.
Things have just been so bleak lately.
I've been waiting for someone to come along, and here you are.
The one that got away.
- That means something, right? - Yeah, I think Hello.
It's OK.
It happens.
That girl is extra-strength crazy.
She's a doctor.
She's gotta have it a little bit together, right? Your smoothies are on your car.
Double frick.
I was trying to keep things positive with Mrs Farr.
You won't have breakfast with us tomorrow.
- Am I going home tonight? - No, the cook died.
What the hell am I gonna do? She wanted to come back and help.
I wasn't gonna let my baby be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot.
If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy, don't even bother.
I got everyone smoothies.
They were out of Orange Goo-goo.
How can we help, Bambi? To figure out what's wrong, we need to get a whole bunch of tests done.
There's nothing wrong with needing your friends.
It's better than missing your family because you're making new friends.
That's my son.
He's adorable.
Can I keep it? No, you certainly may not.
Bad man.
Still, even that's not the worst.
I'll get the x-ray, you two work on the echocardiogram, and then all three of us will deal with the abdominal CAT scan.
- What can I do? - We got it.
Being such a mess that your friends don't ask for your help, that's the bottom of the barrel.
Sometimes, all there is to do is ponder your shortcomings by cannonballing four 32-ounce, protein-enhanced smoothies.
You'll be OK, Marshmallow.
Laverne, do you call me Marshmallow because I'm soft and easily flattened? Yeah.
But if it makes you feel better, it's also because you're very white.
Where the hell's Ted? Damn.
I know you're the only x-ray tech on tonight.
I just need a quick scan to make sure Mrs Farr doesn't have an obstruction.
Don't wanna know who they are.
Just wanna go click-click and get 'em outta here.
Your lady's about 40 people down on the list, and there are no cutsies.
Dammit.
Look, there's gotta be something I can do.
Because of the way I laid on top of you, I can say this is Siamese twins.
- How cool is that? - So cool, let's never tell anyone ever.
How can you get this cardiologist to do an echocardiogram? I've worked in the cath lab.
I know how they think.
Plus I had a one-nighter with him a long time ago.
This guy in here got tasty treats? I was here eight years before you.
I had sexual needs.
First of all, that's disgusting.
- Are you jealous? - No.
So you don't mind if I go in there alone.
Thank you.
So, Mitchell, I guess I was just hoping you would help us out with this patient, Mrs Farr.
Carla, love to, really, but it's already six and it's my son's birthday tonight.
- How old is he? - He's ten.
How long ago was it that you told me you were single and you took me dancing? Eight years.
I'll see you in the patient's room.
- All taken care of.
- How is that funny? Don't you love the outfit? I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor.
We agreed that we would wait until he's quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right? I may have painted his toenails for funsies.
I managed to get some tests done on Mrs Farr.
Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now to hear this from me.
Every time I go out of my way to help you children, I get nothing but trouble.
This is the first five-minute window I've had in a week to be with my son.
I'm not gonna have you pirouetting around while my heart is breaking inside.
Sorry.
Your heart is breaking inside? That is so embarrassing for you.
Thank you for that.
What are you doing in here? It's the men's room.
I know.
It's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and tried them and found them oddly comfortable.
I'm just gonna replace these urinal cakes and then I'll go.
Why can't I just grow up? Why can't I be stronger? Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way? No.
I'm a winner.
But I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid.
At the time, I thought she was my mother.
She said, "Time spent wishing is time wasted.
" She died shortly after that, and my sister, who actually was my mother, she never got over it.
Neither did my brother-dad.
The point is this.
If you wanna be different, then be different.
- Thank you.
- We're all under one roof here.
We gotta watch out for each other.
Come on.
There he is.
Watch out.
That's when we ran into a brick wall.
I'm head of the radiology department.
You call me in from home to do a CAT scan that could wait until Monday? - It's not happening.
- Dr Moyer - These are my machines.
- Sir - Whose machines? - My machines.
- How was that helpful? - They're mine.
My machines.
So you're going to sock me again.
Good God, Perry.
You're just beating up an old man.
Relax.
I'm just fixing your nose.
I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you there, Bob.
I shouldn't have done that.
Even if it did actually feel so damn good I changed my pants afterwards.
But, still, I'm starting to think it would be smart if you and I were to bury the hatchet.
What do you say there, Bob? Come on, handsome.
Listen up, ace.
You will always be a royal pain in my ass.
I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam that knife into your side, and you know it as well as I do.
- Much better, thanks.
- You're welcome.
People don't change, Perry.
So you're just gonna roll over and give up like you always do? Or are you finally gonna get mad and do something about it? Mine.
You're gonna give Mrs Farr the abdominal CAT scan.
Remember that colon patient of mine that you screwed up on? I'm gonna tell him whose fault that was and then help him physically and financially bitch-slap you, even if we both get our asses fired.
- Your move, Chuckles.
- Bring her down.
- Elliot.
- Hells yeah.
It feels good to gather the pieces of the puzzle together so we can finally look Mrs Farr in the face and tell her we still don't know what she has.
Why can't we figure out what's wrong with her? All right, you guys.
What do you know so far? The echo ruled out an aortic dissection.
The abdominal CT would have shown biliary disease.
- Think.
What's her background? - Persian Sephardic Jew.
Come on, you guys, give me a break.
You know this.
Familial Mediterranean fever.
Attaboy.
I'm actually grateful most things don't change.
Hello, slackers.
My paddle's stuck in me.
Not only is the status quo good for work, it's also somewhat comforting.
I would've never figured it out without you guys.
You four deserve all the credit, really.
Mrs Farr, Dr Cox has saved the day.
Don't you just love it? Come here.
If something does change, often it just reminds you of feelings you've had all along.
You look beautiful.
As I said, in the third year, there aren't a lot of surprises.
Hey, Elliot.
What are you doing here? Damn.