Stath Lets Flats (2018) s03e01 Episode Script

♪1
SINGS: Your eyes is the thing
that see
And if you look down hard
you can see your teeth
Your teeth is how you breathe
And your hand is
the way you squeeze. ♪
Ah.
They, they are,
they're so, erm, young at that age.
Do you know how I've meant that?
Yeah.
Ahh. Sorry, it's just that
I'm going to be my father soon.
My, er, dad.
A father to my dad.
SonSon. Sunny 'ell! Great.
I'm trying to tell ya,
I'm gonna be a dad.
OK, so shall we genuinely view
the flat, then, Gernold?
I'm not here to view a flat.
That's right, you're not Gernold.
I just bumped into you in the street
and started crooning to ya son.
Get on with ya!
Sorry to interrupt.
Where's this Gernold, then?
It's you! It's you!
Found you, Gernold.
Pleasure to meet you. I was just
singing to, er, a road baby!
Do you mean Bernard?
Cos, that's, that's My name.
Oh, right! Is anybody
gonna ask my name? It is Stath.
Er, this is Ali.
Hello, Ali. Are you a kid?
He knows himself.
Michael and Eagle lettings
Oh, God, look at that,
straight away it's impressment.
Jealous!
Because, obviously,
they got the widescreen.
Just a completely empty wall
and then right in the middle, gold.
If I had a TV like that
and the water came on it,
I'd think I was swimming.
Hey? Ha-ha!
Is it OK for me to swing my hand
near, around him? No.
I am so sorry about this.
And I promise you,
if you do take the flat
we will fill this with bricks
straight away.
How many sweets do you think could
fit into this room?
100?
Hey, much more than that, I reckon.
More?
Wooooah heeeeey!
Looky, they've got everything.
They've got a phone,
a clock, blue apple,
gold circle, clock,
specs, stick in a blood bowl,
stick, pincher on a disc
with two circles.
I'd love to be able to hand all that
over to my son in a black bag.
I wanna leave my family business
to my son
..but my boss died.
God, well no, what happened
was terrible, Martin,
but the business is fine.
We've just, like,
relocated, Martin, yeah.
We j'adore managing your
flat, Martin.
We've lost Julian.
We wouldn't want to lose your flat
as well, know what I mean?
Well, he fell off
an awards ceremony.
Yeah, climbing down.
PHONE RINGS
Left us in a little bit
of debt, tbh, Martin.
SHE LAUGHS
I get it, you're a landlord,
you'd rather your property wasn't
being looked after by some people
wearing suits in a living room,
but
PAN SIZZLES
Little morning fish, sick.
But, we are desperate to find
a new office, so hopefully.
Steven, is this good acting
for film?
AMERICAN ACCENT:
"Oh, no, I was in the war."
Yes.
Katheste edo anti na ton
kanete crisps.
Ferte ta crisps.
Parte ton crisps. What flavour?
Don't shout at me, Steven!
I'm gonna go. Well, I'll tell you
what I will say to you, Martin -
oh, actually to the landlord here,
as well, I'll say.
It's a phrase and I'm saying it
to everyone.
"We care so much about bleedin'
houses that we're workin' in one!"
And, God, I'm the size of
a house, as well,
so I could probably fit that
in the phrase.
Is this also good acting?
GUNSHOT!
Go, go, go, go.
Maybe take me with you.
Sophia. Get some crisp from my
bedroom drawer. I love you.
Obstruction! ♪
Oh, oh, sorry, Dean.
Oh, oh, oh, God! How's it going?
Haven't seen each other for ages!
Oh, you look very big.
That'll be the stairs. Hah!
Are you a church?
Dong, dong, dong!
Ooh! Scary.
Strange.
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt
the creative process.
That could be the next
Meet Joe Black. Ooh!
No, it's-it's literally just
a script about a girl
whose lost her goddamn mind.
Oh, you're kidding. Wow!
Sorry to sound like
the bloody press,
but this script,
is it for stage or screen, or?
Uh, just for Katia.
Oh, right.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
SOFTLY: Um Do you remember
when we said we liked each other?
THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, sorry, were you actually
saying something?
I-I-I thought you were just doing
small beeps.
Er, it's OK. Ill just go upstairs
and get some crisps
from my Dad's fish.
Oh, OK!
The father of the bride
The father of the bride
The most slender man I ever met
The father of the bride
BOTH: And many moooore. ♪
Haha, slender?
I'm not sure about that, I'm a pig.
A big pig on the stairs.
Haha, what?
No, but, father of the bride?
Why father of the bride?
Well, cos of I'm going to be
a father shortly.
Oh, yeah! It's just cos
you were looking at me
and pointing at me, so I thought it
was something to do with me.
Well, we point to the ones we crave.
Right. You!
Oh, my God. It's the Sophie,
the movie maniac!
Gimme your autograph for my son.
Please!
Do you think that your son
will like my name?
What, Sophie? He bleeding bletter!
Stath, we're gushing landlords,
here.
Do you wanna get off the banno
and speak to one?
Oh, yeah.
I was actually gonna ask you.
Do you what size
the son is going to be?
Because I did quite want to provide
him a hooded T-shirt.
No. No size.
Mummy number two in da house!
Oh, my God. She's wearing red,
there's blood in the hallway.
Right, dump your letters
and waft off, please, Mrs Europe.
We're doing key work.
You careful what you mouth.
You want me tell your child
not to suck your nipple
because it's a claw?
Ooh! Get on with each other.
OK. Lettings rave, is it?
All right, Dean.
Why is it Hallway Guinness Record
in here?
HORN BEEPS
Huh?
Mate, come out, I've got some
Beep the horn.
I've got something nice
to tell you -
you're office is a house!
As in, you're As in, you're using
your house as an office.
Drive, drive.
Oh, we're shouting out of cars
at young fathers to be now, is it?
Nice door! Respect me!
Enough shouting, Stathi!
Everyone in my office.
I want a very quiet conversation.
You can only talk
if you are holding my fish.
Can I say, I'm sorry very
to everyone in my bedroom?
Oh, don't worry about it. That's OK.
I'm too sorry I gave Julian
the business
and he spend all the money
and I'm too sorry we lost the office
and now my stairs is an office -
but I maked mistaked because I'm old
and my brain is going like a rock.
Is there any quiet
and sweet questions?
Thank you.
That's Dad fish.
Oh, oh, did he ask?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold the fish,
yeah, yeah.
Is it OK to ask if we're likely
to be paid in the coming months?
OK.
I cannot pay any money to anyone
until we find landlords
and free office.
Huh?
What, actually? No pay?
Mm. You don't like this?
Oh. I definitely quit. Definitely.
Imagine if I didn't quit. No money?
You think I'm having a meeting
with a fish for jokes?
Oh, excurse me!
This is your family business!
You can't quit.
Why are you lot not quitting?
This guy got a kid on the way.
What you gonna do, just eat crisps
in your dad's bedroom?
What you gonna feed your yout?
Crisps.
Get another job, bruv.
Oh, my God, Stathi,
do you think that Bambos would let
you cut hairs again
at Mr Cheeky hair?
Cos Stathi used to be
a cutting barber.
Oh, my God!
Can you give me floor length?
I'm not goin' back to Mr Cheeky.
Do I look like a barber?
I'm wearing a grey suit!
I'm a dad on the way letting agent.
Nah, none of you are letting
agents, no.
You lot do bop all.
Has any single one
of you put your gob on the line
to get one of the landlords back?
No. For me, sadly, well,
I can't quit,
because I believe in Carole Collins,
and I think she will support her
child. So, ya know, I just muck on.
Sorry, I'm gonna support
this child too.
Stathi, you're a dad
and you need the money.
Listen to Carole
and help with the landlords.
I do want to make money!
What, you don't think I want
this kid to stand a chance?
I want Dean to stand
a chance, as well.
What do I have to do,
talk to langlords?
I'll talk to a langlord -
I can make money, I wanna provide.
Al, you can do it with me, come on.
What are we doing, sorry?
We're going to get in my car,
and we're going to talk
to a langlord. Let's do it.
I woke up today with this feelin'
That better things
are comin' my way
And if the sunshine has a meaning
Tellin' me not to let things
get in my way
When the rainy days are dyin'
Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'
All the bees and birds are flyin'
Ahhh
Get on up when you're down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it's not much ♪
Gotcha!
OK, one car found.
OK, so, langlord. LANGLORD.
God.
Do we know
Do we know what they do for work,
and how to talk to them?
How to get in touch with them?
I dunno, it'sit's tricky.
That's bad. That's bad.
It's a tough one, erm
Ooh! I'm a bit worried
I'm not gonna be able
to provide for my child now.
Oh. But that's not true, innit?
Do you know what I mean?
I'm smart behaviour. Yes.
You know people who smart
make money.
That's what I always say!
Come on, man. That's true.
Do you know that of me?
I know that of you, absolutely.
That's for sure.
Yeah, OK.
A bit more, if you
Oh, I mean, I mean, you're very
you're very energetic,
you know, we saw that.
Very energetic guy, and, er
Yeah, allall energetic people
areare intellectual
wealthy fathers.
Doctor, doctor,
we've got a dictionary in the car!
And bring a nurse,
cos he's seriously cool.
Ah, that's kind of you,
but I'm not -
you, you are the cool one.
I-I mean Sophie was saying
you used to be a barber,
I didn't know that! That's amazing.
What, Mr Cheeky?
Yeah, but I got fired from there
cos my cousin Bambos saw me touch
someone's back with a scissor blade
and cut their back, so What?!
Yeah, I know.
I could go park time there,
do you what I mean?
Yeah. If it was just park time
I could go.
But-but do you think you cousin
would hire you
if he fired you before?
Er, s'cuse away,
he'll take one look at you
when I walk into Mr Cheeky with him
and he'll know I've grown up.
So am I coming with you
for this, or?
Oh, hundred, hundred, hundred.
And the Director, he looks at me
and then he goes,
"Just don't say anything,
"cos your character is dead."
It was an incredible experience.
Koumbaro, Mr Bambos!
He comes in my shop, huh?
No dance for his cousin?
All right, you wanna dance?
Come on, now. I'll give you a dance.
Opa, hey. You see like that.
Kiri, bring him a small coke, yeah?
Oh, God So, what you doing here?
You wanna cut? No, no, no.
Because your hair's quite
shit, innit? Look at this.
Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that.
Th-there's a lot of it,
but it really doesn't earn
its place.
Ela, ela, ela, ela, ela, ela.
Go, go, go, they'll make you laugh,
they'll make you laugh.
Ela, ela. Thanks very much. Ahem.
I'm I'm coke. Al.
God, the place looks real, man.
Remember memories of just this?
Do you remember we used
to be like that together man?
Yeah, we were a good team. It's mad.
But honestly I just snuck by
to, erm
..to see how you are
and how's business,
and then quickly ask you something
else, er, park time.
You do know I'm in Greek films now,
innit?
He's kidding. What?
I'm looking at myself asking whether
or not he's Is he kidding?
Nah, it's very impressive.
You know I'm dividing my time
between here and Cyprus now.
Cos the acting work out there
is mental mega,
and, in fact, I'm going out there
in two weeks
literally to do a film
about a wooden woman.
Damn, it feels good to have that hot
metal between my fist again, man.
Ah, I missed it! I did miss it.
I, honestly, I find myself sometimes
just thinking, where did it all go?
Like, sometimes at night,
like, I literally find myself
going like thiswith my leg.
Scissor legs,
this guy's funny, isn't he?
He's got the jokes, hasn't he?
So, when can I start my shift?
Shift? A shift here?
Here for a job. Hey, no, no, don't
do that to me, please, come on, man.
No, no, yeah, yeah,
please, just park time,
park time, that's all I want.
No, no, no. Park time, park time.
You got souvla fingers, re koumbare.
You cut Panayi's back
givin' him a number four.
Don't bring up Panayi's back man.
I changed his back's life.
I get that, I deal with that,
I've growed from that.
I've been growing and growing
and growing since that.
But you got a job letting
flats innit? Michael & Eagle.
Have you done more fires,
is that what it is?
No, no, no, no, no fires.
Michael & Eagle is going blista,
man.
I just need a fiver more quid or two
for my son, for my child, man.
Come on, Al, tell him how more
grown up I am now.
Oh, he's honestly 2029.
20, 29.
Come on, let me prove myself.
Would you let him cut your hair?
Uh, oh, my-my head hair?
Oh, haha, I'm not sure about that.
Winter's round the corner
and I don't wanna lose this
insulation, so.
It's only six words,
but I'll live or die by them.
Can we keep your flat, Ashley?
Ashley? You've gone blank, darling.
OK, Katia,
I'm going to do Florida,
what accents can you do?
Wales, Utah, what you thinking?
Please Utah.
I'm getting me an Uber! ♪
What? I got 1p left in my overdraft.
One pence. Ooh, am I fiction?
Ooh, how am I gonna get home?
Oh, Dean, BT the way,
I kinda just wrote this play
just now,
I was wondering whether we could
show you,
if we're chilled to do that,
get some feejack, or
What else am I doing? I'm broke.
Also, could you photo it
for us, please?
What is this? Spin to start.
Hey, kid, whereabouts are you from?
Florida.
Hey, kid, whereabouts are you from?
Florida. As well.
You must be the barman. Yeah.
We got beer, red wines, black vodka.
Black vodka?
That doesn't sound like a drink!
That sounds more like a drugs.
Oh, trust me, it's drink.
CAROLE: Yeah, no, I'm all right.
I might have to go.
But it was drugs,
and that's how I got addicted
to drugs for the rest of my life.
I'll call you back. Ugh!
SHE GROANS
What's happening, are you singing?
Is the baby mingling? Oh, I'm fine.
Where's your brother, Soph?
Er, I think he's just gone
with Al to save the business.
MUSIC: Parce Mihi Domine by
Hilliard Ensemble and Jan Garbarek
Ooh, sorry. Ooh
Come on, you gotta take it off
before you whick it, man.
Well, ignore the whick.
What do you think of the do?
Yeah, it's OK.
It's quite nice, innit?
It's quite tight.
Bale! Can I have some shifts, then?
No. This took you two hours
to do just a slicky.
We went out for coffees twice,
hey, I'm awake.
I was trying to be perfection.
DOOR CHIME
Right, why's Al's head wet?
All right, Carole?
Cos I smoothed it with product.
Hey, Sophie. Look at my head.
Oh, my God, it's very small.
Thank you.
So, while I've been grafting my lump
off with the landlords
so we don't have to work out of your
dad's bedroom any more,
you've just been in here getting
your friend's head wet. Is that it?
Yeah, I
I was trying to get some shifts
from the barber's. You told me to.
I did NOT tell you to become
a barber today.
Right, then why am I doing it?
Oh
WATER TRICKLES
Oh!
Oh, hellfire, that's
that's stocky, that's hot stock.
Why's everyone breathing so much?
Stathi, I think that's actually
the birth water,
because, erm What's that mean?
I think the baby's on the way,
and he's about to do an exit
out of Carole's way.
My son? My son, that's my boy,
my son is coming?
Why are you so sure it's a boy?
Do you know what's happening?
I'm doing someone. Do you know that?
Do you know anything?
Do you do anything? NO!
I do something. My God I'm leaking
in a Turkish barber's.
Who's that?!
Oh, God - well, do you know what?
From now on, it's just me.
I'm on me own, it's Collins only,
I mean, Dean's the only normal one,
and he's left, so
I don't have an office.
Oh, God. Oh, God,
the baby's gonna have your nose.
I'm gutted.
I'm gutted. I'm gutted.
That was quite a sad list of me.
Right, well, I've said my piece now.
Come on, then.
I'll drive us to the ward.
OK, OK, hey, why didn't you tell me
about this, hey?
If you need office space
you can use the barber's, OK,
while I'm doing a film about
wooden woman, OK? No charge.
No, no, no, we want, we want a
proper office don't we? We
Actually - and it's free, is it?
Yeah.
Yeah, go on, then, yeah, thank you.
Yeah. I'll be in touch
when I'm, erm, empty.
Bravo. All right, come on,
Sophie, we're going hospital.
Oh, am I coming?
Right, no, nobody's coming.
I can just about deal with
him being there, but that's it.
But I want
No, no, it's OK, Stathi,
because me and Katia
are gonna take Dean home
and I'm going to see Dean's house,
and I can tell you what it's like,
and also it's actually quite
an excitely day today.
Yeah. Cos the baby's coming!
And it's gonna see us and some head.
And we're thrilled to be back,
right on the high street,
where we - where we belong.
I'm also thrilled that you're back
with us, Ash.
We missed you!
Lovely! All right,
I'll tell you what -
no, no, it's all good,
I better bug off.
Cos I've got a bit of a sitch,
something's brewing, as per,
all right?!
Speak to you soon. Catch you later,
all right, darling, bye.
Right, well, we may actually
be able to pay people,
so, at least that's one normal thing
in my life.
HE SOBS
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah?
Yeah. Looking forward to
Yeah.
Looking forward to when it comes.
OK, all right. Take it easy.
Erm, right, I'll tell you
what I want you to do for me.
I want you get something
from the shop OK?
All right, yeah, yeah.
OK, yeah, I can do that.
What do you need? I can do anything.
I can do things. I can do anything.
Right, this is gonna sound weird.
Oi, boss man!
I need a-a bottle of water
and a sketch book.
What? Ugh, I said, you got
a sketch book for me, boss man?
I don't know what this is.
A book for the sketch,
think about it, man. I can do this!
Boss man, you got
a sketch book for me?
You want Scotch egg?
Nah, boss man,
a sketch book for the sketch.
Come on, boss man, one sketch book,
man, Carole's having a baby.
What? What is a Scottish egg?
This? Come on, boss man. How's
anyone gonna do a sketch in that?
It's full of celebs!
What's that, over there?
Oh. That's a sketch book! Oh!
Oh, he says! This guy!
Boss man, what you the boss of?
Tricksing me out?
Oh Is someone
on the ride with us?
Oh, my God, I thought
I heard someone say Daddy.
No - you've been gone about
20 minutes!
What have you been doing?
Sorry, all the shops were
very poorly, er, stocked -
But I sorted it. Sketch book, water.
Oh
What, is it the wrong one?
I just said to get
a bottle of water.
No.
You said, "This is weird, but can
I have a sketchbook and water?"
I said, "This is gonna sound weird,
"but get yourself a bottle of water
to calm yourself,"
and you said, "A fruity water?"
and I said, "No just a textbook
bottle of water".
Ohhh.
I chatted to those men
in the shops for ages, man.
I'm so sorry about that.
I'm so sorry about that!
I'll do something pleasant for one
week in our child's life,
I swear, man.
Do you want your sister to come?
She She can.
I feel all right as it is,
you know? So
Uh, yeah. Yeah? Is that allowed?
Yeah, we can
We can pick her up en route,
if you like.
Yeah, thank you - all right,
I'll give her a call,
find out where she is.
She said her and Katia
were dropping Dean off.
Oh, do we get to go
to Dean's house?!
Don't let any postman see you.
You're gonna get me fired.
All right, peace. Catch you lot
at the Jobcentre, yeah?
Oh, bye, Dean,
I'll miss your attitude.
Oh, Dean could I use your gents?
Erm, I had one too many
at Mr Cheeky. Sorry.
HORN BEEPS
Oh, that car.
Are you in there, Sophie?
Er, Carole said you can come
to the release of my child.
Dean, my love, do you have a toilet?
Ha, I've got a bladder
like a cherry tom.
I mean, it's small,
not red, you know.
Although there isn't much,
to be fair, that isn't red
if we're talkin' guts. Which I seem
to be 25/8 these days! Yep.
And Carole Collins in my
auntie's house.
Dean, Stath.
You know, from Michael & Eagle.
Mm-hm.
Look, I know we duffed you off
this morning, yeah,
and I'm sorry,
but I've been thinking about it
and I thought of an offer.
Would you come back to
Michael & Eagle if we paid you?
I mean, if you paid me, yeah -
that was the whole thing.
I know you were doing it
for my child. Nope.
Erm, just so you know
Carole's screaming upstairs.
What, is your house scary
or something?
CAROLE GROANS
Er, not fire brigade, middling wife?
What's happening?
You OK?
SHE SCREAMS
You OK?
It just came a quicker than
I had in mind.
I can do it on my own, cheers.
Dean, why do you have
a lock on you door?
What if people
want to come see you in your room?
Maybe so that people don't bust in
and get blood all over my sheets.
Well, that hasn't worked, has it?
That's the only thing
that's happened.
Tell her that the doctor's
gonna come.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carole, Carole,
if you wait a lovely big doctor's
gonna come. Al called.
Yeah, there's just a baby being born
in the bedroom of a lettings agent.
Stath, I can deliver baby.
I delivered my cousin's baby
on futon.
It's easy. Just pull, scream, baby.
OK, OK, Carole if you don't like
to have men in there,
would it be quite nice,
there's a woman out here
who you don't like called Katia.
Er, apparently she done a baby
before for someone on a futon.
Does that sound like something that
could be quite nice to help to you?
Erm Oh, shit.
Right. OK, fine. I've unlocked it,
I've unlocked it.
She said yes! Go, go, go, go, go!
Here I go, here I go!
Oh, I didn't see anything.
Did you see anything in there?
My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Dean, how should I feel?
How do I know? I don't know!
CAROLE SCREAMS
I'll teach my child about love.
Gordon Norris!
Do you remember when we were young?
Yeah. What happened?
Listen to it.
CAROLE SCREAMS
A child is being born today,
and one of the first things
he's gonna see
is one of the nicest hairs
in London. Oh, thanks so much.
Is it ready yet?!
My auntie's sleeping.
BABY CRIES
What is it? Small and red.
Is it health and safety?
Yeah. It's very, very, very
health and safety.
Ooh, Stathi!
I might go swimming
and get two egg on toast. No!
Quick, go inside, bruv.
Can I look at his head? Go in, man.
It's very good, Stathi.
Baby, then.
I just done her on the bed,
in the end. Haha.
Her? Is it Is it a woman?
Yeah, it's a girl, yeah.
So you're gonna give her
a girl's name, and
We don't have to give her a name
if you don't want to,
I don't wanna
Well, it's in the book,
erm, you wrote Dina,
and I-I like that, it's a bit posh.
Dina? The girl. Yeah.
Dina.
Can I cuddle towards you a
small amount? OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little bit.
Can I give her some information
or a sentence from me or something?
OK, quickly, yeah.
I can't believe
what I am seeing today ♪
No.