Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e01 Episode Script

1
That was
Great!
You sure your folks
aren't gonna be home soon?
Boy, you really
clawed me up pretty good.
This is great,
just the greatest.
Especially compared to
all the other
Look, I should
tell you something,
this was my first time.
Mine too.
Let's cut the chatter
and get back to the slappin'.
I don't have another condom.
Who cares?
Nothin' to worry about.
The works fell out years ago.
What about safe sex
and everything?
Safe sex! Get out
of the kiddie pool,
take a dip in the danger zone.
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole a TV
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
I am so jazzed!
I wonder who's gonna get picked
for Lord and Lady of the Dance?
I know who should be.
Oh, please, all of you would
make a good Lord and Lady.
Especially you, Jimmy.
Really?
Yeah, you'd make a great lady!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Quiet down, quiet down,
quiet down!
All right!
What's that on your face?
This?
Oh, damn bees.
Looks like a cold sore.
Well, it's not!
Well, it looks like one.
Okay, I just finished meeting
with the committee
of me, myself and I,
and we've made my
final decision for this year's
Lord and Lady of the Dance.
And the royal duo
this year is
Jared Westerly and Jerri Blank!
Yes!
I couldn't think
of a better choice!
Oh my God, I am
so happy for you!
I am super-jazzed!
Mr. Jellineck,
please help me!
[HUMMING SERENELY]
[HUMMING MERRILY]
Hey Jerri,
I got a riddle for you.
What did Derrick Blank say
to his half-sister Jerri Blank?
What, Derrick?
You're a fat ugly pig!
Get it?
All right, not at
the breakfast table, kids!
I got it, Derrick.
Listen "Sir Fags-a-Lot",
your japes cannot touch me.
I'll have you know that I
and my new popular
boyfriend Jared
have just been picked
Lord and Lady of the Dance.
What's that, Jerri?
You were picked
Lady of the Dance?
Oh, I get it, the theme
this year must be opposites!
That should be fun!
"Yes" means "no", "up"
means "down", you're a "lady".
No, Stepmother,
as a matter of fact,
being a lady,
I get to pick the theme
and I'll tell you what
it's not going to be
Sack wrangling.
So you might wanna pass,
Derrick.
Let's see,
theme theme
Theme theme
Theme
Oh, c'mon guys!
What good is having a court
if you don't do my work for me?
How about
Nothing.
Maybe we should think
about a setting.
Good for you, copperhead!
Uhh
A crack house
A back alley
A prison yard
Back of a cab!
Did I say prison yard?
Jerri, how about
something nicer?
Like hope or purity.
Purity!
What kind of purity?
Purity of love!
Purity of mind and body.
Racial purity!
That's a great idea!
Uh, but how are
we gonna decorate?
What's purer than water?
My father works at
a sewage filtration plant.
They have all these large
filters to clean water,
and hoses and stuff.
I could borrow
some of that stuff
and we could decorate
the lunchroom
with hoses and stuff!
Great idea, kids!
Hey, we could hang
streamers from the ceiling!
That's a little old-fashioned,
Mr. Jellineck!
[ALL LAUGHING]
It's not a cold sore!
I bumped my lip on a biscuit!
Sure looks like a cold sore.
Hey, Jerri, right?
Do I know you?
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop.
I'm pretty sure we had sex
in the back of my cab.
Oh, what do you want?
I want to talk to you.
Look, my new boyfriend Jared
is very popular
and very jealous.
It's probably not a good idea
for you to be talking to me.
I'll make it quick.
I've been diagnosed
with syphilis,
so there's a pretty good
chance you've got it.
I'm supposed to
tell people or something.
I already told the other
guys who were there.
Well, there must
be some mistake.
I'm not sick.
Except for the burning
sensation and the discharge,
I feel fine.
If I were you, I'd go get
my plumbing checked out.
And you better tell that new
popular boyfriend of yours.
Jared!
Hey, after we get this
all cleared up,
want to go for
another ride in my cab?
Are you listening?
I have a boyfriend!
Yes or no?
Yes.
Damn!
Cab drivers.
Number sixteen!
Syphilis!
Ooh!
Easy there, young lady!
Let's keep our genitals in a
"strictly business" relationship.
I'm Doctor Zorders.
Oh, hi, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous
'cause I've done this
so many times before.
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
All I'm gonna do is take
a little of your blood
and inject it into a dog
and take the blood of the dog
and inject it into a rabbit.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Now, why don't you hop up here
and roll up that sleeve.
You've seen the business end
of a needle before!
Oh, yeah
I was a diabetic for a while
until I kicked it.
Here, I'll help you find a vein.
Here you go.
Okey-doke, now,
while I'm testing this,
why don't I send you
to the movies!
All kidding aside, Jerri,
if you do have an STD,
it's important you get all
the information that you can.
So pay attention to this movie.
Here, Rex!
Hello.
What you are about to see
may be graphic and disturbing,
but it is in fact a fact of life
that sexually-transmitted
diseases are a fact of life.
One great weapon in our arsenal
is penicillin.
[SQUEAKING]
[CACKLING]
Did he get 'em?
Nope.
He never does.
Jerri, I have some bad news
You have syphilis.
No!
Not only that,
it appears that your syphilis
is infested with crabs,
and those crabs
are carrying gonorrhea.
Don't you use condoms?
Look, Doc, I go all natural,
that's why my prices
are so high.
Well, that's pretty
irresponsible,
but thanks to penicillin, there's
no need to act responsibly.
Penicillin is nature's condom.
Now, why don't we bend over.
That's what got me
in this "muff-up".
Seriously, drop your drawers!
Whoa!
Whoever was down here last
sure did some shoddy work.
Did you get the license plate
of the guy who hit you?
Seriously,
it's a mess down here.
And Jerri,
if you're engaged in
a sexual relationship,
you must tell your partner
you have syphilis.
That stings!
Tell him I have syphilis,
don't tell him,
tell him, don't tell him
Tell him
I gotta get more flowers.
Wait a minute, maybe
I don't need to tell him.
Maybe I'm gettin'
all worked up for nothin'.
He probably doesn't
even have it.
Hey Jerri, sorry I'm late.
Jared, how are you feeling?
Great!
Hey, I gotta go pop
in the bathroom,
I'll be right back.
Hey, a tinkle or a stinkies?
Neither, I gotta go
check somethin' out.
It's like a wiener roast
down there!
Hey, Jared.
Hey Jerri, how're the plans
for the dance comin'?
What are you gettin' at?
Nothing.
You broke me,
I've got the syphilis!
I can't keep a secret
from you, Tammala.
Oh my God!
Did you tell Jared?
I can't, if I tell him,
he'll drop me,
and what about the dance?
We're the Lords and the Ladies!
Jerri, you have to tell him!
If he has it and he doesn't
get it treated right away,
it will rot his brain!
I can't sit here and listen
to your spook stories,
especially when they might
convince me to do the right thing.
And bloating.
Now, can anyone tell me
how Elliot Ness
finally nailed Al Capone?
Uh, Casper?
On charges of tax evasion?
Well, that's
a common misperception.
Actually, what Ness did was,
he dressed up as a call girl
and infected Capone
with syphilis,
eventually killing him.
Do a lot of the people
die of syphilis?
Oh, absolutely.
Historically, syphilis is
right up there with Germans.
It wiped out the Romanovs,
it decimated our fleet
at Pearl Harbor,
and of course, Fidel Castro
impersonated Marilyn Monroe
and gave President Kennedy
a case of syphilis so severe
that eventually it blew
the back of his head off.
Oh, that's pleasant, okay!
Can anyone tell me how Mark David
Chapman gave John Lennon syphilis?
Anybody?
Anybody?
Anybody?
Anybody?
Mr. Jellineck,
can I ask you a question?
Sure, Jerri.
I was just about to
fire this in the old kiln,
for my lecture on erotic art
of the lost city of Pompeii.
How was Pompeii lost?
No one knows.
It was buried under tons of lava
which, of course,
destroyed all the records.
What's your question, Jerri?
Well I
What is going on with your face?
My lip fell down
a flight of stairs.
It really looks
like a cold sore.
What do you want, Jerri?
Well, let's just
say that someone,
and I'm not saying it was me,
gave somebody else,
who I'm not saying is Jared,
a vicious case of something,
that I'm not going
to say is syphilis.
Would it be wrong to
not tell that person
if you thought
it might upset them?
Hmm, that's a hard one.
All I can say is, Jerri, recently
somebody gave me a little gift
that I didn't really want,
and I can't return it,
not even for store credit,
and this somebody won't own up,
I think that's pretty wrong.
Talkin' about your cold sore?
No, I am not.
I think I know
what I need to do.
Thanksnice cold sore.
Stupid.
Geoffrey, ready for lunch?
PRINCIPAL BLACKMAN:
Attention hungry students,
today's lunch menu will include
crab salad
Jared!
Can I talk to you for a second?
Of course, Jerri, what's up?
You know I care for you, right?
I care for you too, Jerri.
And I would never do
anything to hurt you, but
But what?
Look, there's this doctor,
and he wants me to hurt you,
but I won't let him
make me, ya understand?
No, but it's kinda hard for me
to concentrate, because my
Balls?
Right, anyway, they feel like
a couple of roasted chestnuts.
Well I don't know
why that would be.
Look, I, uh, I gotta go.
Where?
In here!
Carrot coins, pickle spears,
atomic hot wings,
and dollar drafts.
Enjoy your lunch, that is all.
What do you want, Blank?
I'm hiding.
Well, do it somewhere else,
this is my "hidey hole".
Principal Blackman,
I have to confess something.
I have an STDs.
There's a shocker!
Anyway,
I think I might've infected my
boyfriend Jared with syphilis
and I don't know
how to tell him.
Hmm.
I'm not sure
I heard you correctly.
Repeat what you
just said, Blank.
I said that I
Who are you again?
[OVER INTERCOM] I'm
Jerri Blank, I have syphilis
and I've given it
to my boyfriend Jared
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!
But I'm afraid to tell him.
There, now you've told him,
get out!
No!
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
I can't believe
you gave me syphilis!
What makes you so sure that
I didn't get it from you?
It was my first time!
You lied to me, you said
it was your first time!
It was my first time
With you.
How did you get it?
Oh, it was nothing, babies!
I just had a little accidental sex with
some guys in the back seat of a cab.
It could happen to anybody!
I don't wanna see you again!
What about the dance?
Plan it without me!
I can't plan the dance
without you.
You've got all
the hoses and stuff!
Oh lordy, don't leave
your lady in a lurch!
Jared!
[GIGGLING]
What are you lookin' at?
There you are!
I was afraid no one
was gonna show up.
Jerri, we came to tell you
we're thinking about
quitting the dance.
What?
What's the point, Jerri?
Jared already took all
his hoses and stuff.
And besides, nobody's gonna wanna
come now that we have no hoses and stuff.
I'm so not jazzed.
Come back!
Jerri, what's going on
with the dance?
I've got the STDs
and everybody knows.
Jerri, that's nothing
to be ashamed about,
unless you're embarrassed
about having everybody know
you've done something
so shameful.
I guess there's not
gonna be a dance.
Oh, yes there is, Jerri, even if I
have to be both Lord and Lady!
I'm not gonna let your dirty
little activities destroy my dance!
Disgrace.
So, Jerri, how's it
going at school?
Terrible! Everyone knows
that I have the syphilis
and my boyfriend
broke up with me.
I'm so ashamed.
I don't know what to tell you.
Wanna watch the cartoon again?
Can't you just
write a note that says
it was all one big blooper
and that I never had it?
Sure, I can write you
a note that says
"Jerri
never had
an STD.
Dr. Zorders."
And you can take it
to your friends
and show them,
and they will feel bad
for misjudging you.
You can get your boyfriend back,
you can get back to the dance,
and your life will be better
than it was before!
But you don't wanna
do that. I don't?
No, Jerri, you don't want
the easy road.
You want the hard road
where you'll learn difficult
yet valuable lessons.
No, I'm pretty sure
I want the easy road.
No, Jerri,
you want the hard road,
where you learn what it means
to be a disease carrier
and one of biblical
proportions, I might add.
Now, in terms
of viral contagion,
you're off the chart!
Wow, I must be pretty special!
You're one in a million.
One in a million?
And to think I came in
here feeling
Feeling feeling ashamed!
I'm off the charts!
No, Jerri, you're not
hearing what I'm saying.
Oh, that's okay, Doc, 'cause
you're not saying what I'm hearing.
I gotta go,
I got a dance to plan!
All righty, there's
no need to panic.
I'm gonna lead us through this.
Tammy, what've we got?
Well, we have no theme
and nobody's coming.
[POP]
I can't do this!
The dance is tonight!
Why would you follow me,
I don't even have a spine!
I got something to say!
I feel no shame, only pride
because my syphilis
is a badge of honor.
It says that I'm not
afraid to live!
That I'm not afraid
to take chances.
Oh, it may be some
horrible disease
that if gone untreated
can lead to blindness,
insanity and even death,
but it's the only one I've got!
I am proud to be both
the host to this dance
and the host of my virus.
Condoms are for cowards!
Who's with me?
I are, Jerri, all of I are!
But we still don't have a theme.
Oh, I got your theme
right here, Pump 'n Curls!
Let's go decorate a lunch room!
There's no need
for introductions ♪
some things are
better left unsaid ♪
mmm, don't say
another word ♪
your body
makes me delirious ♪
aw, let's keep
this thing mysterious ♪
oh baby,
can't you see ♪
I like my love
anonymously ♪
Nice sore!
Yes, they are.
Oh but whatever you do
don't ask me my name ♪
Hey Jerri!
I can't believe this turnout!
Yeah, the kids have really
come to respect my disease
now that I've embraced it.
Heh-heh, I don't know why
I didn't catch it before.
I'm just sorry Jared
didn't show up.
Yeah, that would've been nice.
Can't you see ♪
I like my love
anonymously ♪
Jared!!
You made it!
Do you forgive me?
[INCOHERENT MUMBLING IN PAIN]
Ooh, did I ever get around
to mentioning to you
that you needed to get
that shot of penicillin
for that mean case of syphilis
I slapped on you?
Never mind, let's dance!
C'mon!
Let's keep
the lights on, baby ♪
oh my darlin' ♪
I don't want to know
your name ♪
let's keep it
anonymous, baby ♪
I want my love
anonymously ♪
yeah, baby ♪
I'm so jazzed!