Teachers (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Prep days, get paid for nothing days No kids are here days Prep days! [DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
- Who are you? - Who are you? Get the fuck out of my classroom! Get the fuck out of my house! [ROCK MUSIC.]
I've got a homeless man in my trailer.
No, it's not a trailer home.
It's my classroom.
I'm a teacher.
Yeah, I know.
I think I should have a classroom too.
Oh [SCOFFS.]
911 just put me on hold again.
Unreal.
Prep days are so weird.
Empty halls, no kids.
It's like being in a club during the daytime.
Did you see the "Gazette" article? Caroline's father is being investigated for embezzlement.
- I read that, too.
- I knew something was up when Elton John and a hologram of Tupac performed at her dad's birthday party.
- Good morning, everyone! - Hey, girl! - Look who it is? - What are you doing here? I know you guys were just talking about me, and for the record, my father didn't embezzle.
That's just something poor people say when they're mad they don't have as much money as you.
I don't know, Caroline, it sounds like - the evidence shows - Deb, please.
I already have enough on my mind with organizing tonight's back to school mixer.
Once again, it's going to be as close to a debutante ball as you can get a school cafeteria.
- What's the theme this year? - A night in Paris.
The food and decorations are going to make you feel like you're actually in France.
I've never spent time in France.
But I once banged a French guy, so I like to say France has spent time in me.
Let me know if you need help setting up.
Thanks.
If you could get the chairs from the storage room, - that'd be great.
- [SCOFFS.]
I was just asking to be polite.
Unbelievable.
- Where's Feldman? - Ugh, who knows? She's like a white trash teen's period.
Never on time.
Guys, something terrible has happened.
Guess who the new principal is? [LAUGHS.]
Boom! - Oh! - Bam, bam, bam! It's going to be a great year.
- Are you serious? - How is this possible? Oh, well, when Pearson left, I decided to throw my hat in the ring.
Let me tell you, ladies, it feels good to be on top.
Chelsea knows what I'm talking about.
- [GASPS.]
- Oop, no, that reminds me.
I know, as a teacher, I had a reputation of being somewhat of a puss-popper.
Oop, ah, did it again.
But things are going to be super profesh from now on.
- Okay? - Well, if you're the principal, you should know that there's a homeless man squatting in my trailer.
Yikes, good luck with that.
Excuse me.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hi, how was your summer? - Fine.
Although I screwed up the plumbing in my apartment after a vajazzling fiasco.
I clogged the toilet pissing rhinestones.
I'm Chelsea, by the way.
Nice to meet you.
Mavis.
We've met.
I've been the school secretary for 25 years.
I take your attendance sheets every day.
I drove you to the hospital when your bellybutton ring got caught on a spiral notebook.
Huh.
Well, it's always nice to meet a fan.
- Listen, Mabel.
- Mavis! Okay, chill, it's just your name.
I need the key to the storage closet so I can get chairs for the mixer.
No.
[SCOFFS.]
No? - No.
- Fine.
- I'll talk to Brent.
- He's busy.
Ooh, ha-ha-ha![GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Suck it, Williams! - He's playing virtual tennis.
- Doesn't matter.
Keys to the school's property are given out at the sole discretion of the administrative assistant.
- Who's that? - Me, you idiot! You're not getting the keys.
You can go now.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Do you guys know this lunatic in the front office? - You mean Mavis? - Yes! What a terrible name.
It's like her parents said, "Welcome to the world.
Now go, be ugly.
" I love Mavis.
She helped bake cookies - for my church's fundraiser.
- She hemmed my kaftan for me.
She got me a last-minute sub when my grandma died last year.
Well, she's a beast.
Wait.
Your grandma died? Yeah, almost everyone attended the funeral.
Is there somewhere I can donate? You should be nice to Mavis.
She's the heartbeat of the school.
Yeah, never mess with the front office.
She could make your life hell.
- She knows everything.
- Everything.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SLOWLY.]
Everything.
There is still no one here! I've got a homeless man bathing in my reading nook! - Get off my lawn! - It's asphalt, asshole! Jesus.
[FRENCH BISTRO MUSIC.]
Ah, Carolina! - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, your card is declined.
- My carte noire? - Mm.
Must not be a big enough purchase.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, here.
Use this one.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Declined.
Wait, uh, no, Thibodeau, this is for our mixer.
You don't get to speak French to me anymore! Now get your stubby hands off my coat, you filthy American peasant.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Ooh, who are the chocolates from? Nobody, I'm giving them to Mervis.
- It's Mavis.
- Oh, hi, hello.
Yeah, I have a homeless man Hello? Damn it, 911 put me on hold again.
- Hey, dawgs! - Let me guess.
You couldn't find any underwear so you're wearing two pieces of paper towel stapled together? No, that's the kind of mistake you only make once.
Actually, I need to tell you guys something.
I'm I'm poor! - What? - All my assets have been frozen pending my father's investigation.
You still have your teaching salary.
My salary? I just found out how much we make.
Do you guys know? It's like, really low.
Welcome to the real world.
Now bend over, and grab your ankles.
I don't know how to live poor.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
I'm going to have to start eating at Cracker Barrel.
Ugh, get over it, Caroline.
Side note: Have you met the front office woman? She won't let me have chairs for the mixer, and - The mixer? - I can't pay for a gala.
I thought the school paid for it.
No, and even if they did, I can't think of organizing something right now.
How do poor people accomplish anything besides being sad? - The mixer is cancelled.
- What? No, that's where I meet all the dads that got divorced over the summer.
What about me? I'm the art teacher.
The mixer is the one chance I have to remind parents I still exist.
No.
We're not cancelling.
[INSPIRING MUSIC.]
The mixer sets the tone for the whole year that school is supposed to be fun, a blast, a fricking party.
I'll be damned if I allow a party to get cancelled.
Come on, dudes.
We're going to crush this mixer like Brock Lesnar crushed the Undertaker in WrestleMania 30! - Oh, he crushed him hard.
- ALL: Hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Are you kidding me? - Can I help you? - Yeah.
I need to get in to get my glue and scissors - so I can help decorate.
- For what? - The mixer.
- I didn't get an invite.
Because you're not a part of this school, you moron.
- Now let me in.
- Not with that attitude.
I - [GRUNTS.]
- [ROCK MUSIC.]
Okay, dudes, what's the most important part to any successful party? - Penis! - No, food.
Hmm, I was close.
Now, we're going to have to get creative, and go full-on "Chopped" mode.
Before you are mystery ingredients that you must use to create a dish for tonight.
You'll have 60 minutes to prepare.
If your dish doesn't cut it You will be chopped.
Not actually going to do that, but I've always wanted to say it.
Lift your baskets.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Whoa, how'd you get into the school's pantry? Oh, my bro-bro Duncan is an amateur locksmith.
Chefs, your time begins now.
Go! It's not French pastries, but it's better than food from the pantry.
That'll be $66.
08.
Here you go.
- What's that? - Coupons.
Don't worry, I just learned about them, too.
We don't accept coupons.
Okay, uh, well, I need this for the mixer, and I don't have any money, so how are we going to handle this? If you don't have any money, I can't give you the donuts, ma'am.
Please don't call me ma'am.
It's already been a really tough day.
BOTH: One, two, three! - I win! - No fair! Your thumb's stronger from all the typing.
- Rematch.
- Mavis, hello! Ooh, looks like someone's ready for the runway.
- Where'd you get that cardigan? - JC Penney.
Can I help you? I wanted to give you these to apologize for not recognizing you earlier.
Is this supposed to be a joke? I'm deathly allergic to chocolate.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wish I was.
It might help me get down to my double digit goal weight.
So you'd like to be in a hospital for eight days with blistering hives, a migraine, and be so bloated the skin around your ankles splits? I'm just trying to make things right.
You don't know who you're messing with.
What? I'm not messing with you.
You do know I've got access to everybody's files, right? I know all your secrets, and I will reveal them.
I'm the wizard behind the curtain, honey.
Welcome to Oz, bitch.
No, don't put me on hold again.
Damn it! What are you still doing out here? I'm waiting for the police.
Well, it's hotter than Satan's anus.
I cannot have a pregnant woman dying on my property.
It'd be a legal nightmare.
- You'd better come on in.
- Fine.
[GROANS.]
My name's Zeke.
Shoes off, please.
Your feet are covered in dog poop.
[LAUGHS.]
That's not dog.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
- Ricky, my man.
- Feldman, what up? - Thanks for coming, bro.
- I got you.
- Oh, nah, man.
- Oh, I got you.
Mm-mm.
I need to borrow the tablecloth.
Whatever floats your boat, mama.
But if you're wrapping a body, it's going to take three of these.
Actually, we're going to need about 20.
You know you're going to have to leave.
I can't leave.
I have roots here.
I had to fight off another guy just for the rights to this place.
It was here I got his fingers in this pencil sharpener, - and he finally gave up.
- Jesus.
And this, this is my pride and joy.
My class's "I'm thankful" chain from last year? Got me through some tough times.
"I'm thankful for laser tag.
" "I'm thankful for crunchy french fries.
" "I'm thankful for my grandpa's pool.
" See, whenever I got down, I'd just read one of these and it would remind me that the world's not such a bad place.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
I started writing my own.
"I'm thankful I got out of that building before they burned that guy.
" - And that.
- My cat? That's my late wife, Samantha.
The love of my life.
I still jerk it to her every night.
[GROOVY MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
Are you going to get a new look this school year? - No, why? - Just wondering.
[GASPS.]
Is that a mugshot? I was dressed for the club in a bad neighborhood.
It was not prostitution.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Mavis.
Attention, Ms.
Snap, your monthly bulk shipment of Monistat has arrived in the front office.
Wow, gross.
12/9/14, 12/10/14, 12/11/14 how does she know that?! You're not in Kansas anymore, bitch.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
This is ridiculous.
These are perfectly good savings bonds! How about some pearl earrings? I'm sorry, I can't take those.
You're not going to take Mikimoto pearls for a bunch of glazed donuts? You're an idiot.
Okay, you want to play hardball? This is an oriental rug the Vanderbilts had in their summer home.
The Vanderbilts.
- Now give me the donuts.
- No.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
That's it, keep launching.
This is a mess.
Yeah, this looks like the outside of a fat high schooler's house.
- We're screwed.
- Guys, trust me.
Everything I've accomplished in life has been with limited resources and minimal effort.
I know we can do this.
Now launch.
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Are you ready? Bring it, let's go You really pulled it off, Feldman.
We pulled it off.
You guys, this place looks incredible.
Did you get funding from the school? No.
So you did all of this with no money? Wow.
Maybe I won't have to rob donut stores to live off of a teacher's salary.
- Thank you, Feldman.
- Hey, hey.
Check it out.
Looking good, ladies, real good.
The mixer, not your asses.
See that? Supes profesh, right? Feldman, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm leaving Fillmore.
- Why? - Over the summer, I applied for a teaching job in Amsterdam and I found out last week that I got it.
I came in today to tell you guys face to face, but I got sidetracked by the mixer.
I didn't even know you were looking for another job.
I wasn't.
I started by looking up medical marijuana on the internet, which led to legalized weed, which led to Amsterdam.
A few bowls later, I'm submitting an application for a teaching position at Den Sjove Skole.
So this is real.
Dudes, this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make aside from whether or not to sleep with Silent Bob.
But this move will allow me to do my two favorite things: mold the noggins of the future, and smoke that legal reef.
They're also paying me over 60K a year.
- Oh, go.
- Get out.
- Please, yeah.
- Yeah.
- When do you leave? - Tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow? Okay, we are skipping the mixer.
If this is our last night together, we are going to someplace where friendships blossom, memories are made, and the potato skins are always crisp.
ALL: Houlibee's! [AGGRESSIVE HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[ALL YELLING.]
ALL CHANTING: Chug, chug, chug, chug! [CHEERING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL YELLING.]
Okay, okay, stop! Get off me! [ALL YELLING.]
- Get off my foot! - Okay, enough, enough, enough! Get out the way, let me do my thing Out the way, let me do my thing I said, [SCATTING.]
you, let me do my thing Let me do, let me do my thing [ALL SCREAMING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Would it kill you bitches to wait up? I'm streaking for two here.
My dudes, this has been a truly amazing night.
And we did it in the most American way possible.
By getting wasted at a chain restaurant.
[ALL LAUGH.]
What an epic goodbye to this glorious country.
Oh, I can't believe you're leaving.
Fillmore's not going to be the same without you, man.
Aw, I'm going to miss you guys.
- And Toby, and Mavis, and - Okay, seriously? How does everyone know that woman? Oh, did everyone bring something to remember Feldman by for the time capsule? I brought these, in honor of that time you made the Chicago skyline out of tater tots.
And I brought cheese puffs, in honor of how I'd always know you'd been somewhere from the orange fingerprints.
I brought chocolate covered peanuts, from the time you tried to get them listed as a protein on the cafeteria menu.
I brought a hot dog in honor of the time you challenged the fourth grade class to an eating competition.
And I brought Ho-Hos in honor of that time you caught me getting shrimped by Sam the janitor.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Aw, I'm going to miss you dudes so frigging much.
[ALL AWW.]
[ALL SIGH.]
We will bury this time capsule, and in twenty years, we'll come back and dig it up together.
[ALL GIGGLE.]
[SOFT MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
I'm out of here.
Ever since you people showed up, this neighborhood's gone to hell! Stop jerking off to my dead cat, you freak! [SOFT MUSIC.]
Mary-Louise, get off me.
Oh, your pleated pants feel like a boner.
Where's Feldman? Wow.
She's really gone.
[CHIMES TWINKLE.]
Good morning, ladies.
Care Bear.
What are you doing here? I'm here for a meeting with Brent.
I'm taking over as Ms.
Feldman's long-term sub.
- What? - I haven't been able to find an administrator's position, and this way, I can help a certain someone with their bills.
It's a temporary financial hold, okay, everybody? - [ENGINE REVS.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, hey! That's my car! Ding dong, bitch.
Ding dong! No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey, Memphis! [CALMING MUSIC.]
Sorry, bitches, I could not wait 20 years for these sweet-ass tots.
This is the final boarding call for flight 815 to Amsterdam.
All remaining passengers please make you way to the gate at this time.
[SNORING.]